


Guilt of the Innocent

by Kiragirl17



Series: Guilty until Proven Innocent [1]
Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Conflict, Depression, Drama & Romance, Heartbreak, Kidnapping, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Pain, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Denial, Self-Destruction, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-02-19 16:30:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 230,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2395181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiragirl17/pseuds/Kiragirl17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being wrongly accused, Jim's life is thrown off course. He returns to Iowa to drink away not only his guilt but also the memory of a situation that he had no control over. When the painful truth is revealed, can the Enterprise get her Captain back before it's too late? Or is he lost to them forever? S/K</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ride of the defeated

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after reading a few stories with this Prompt, and I decided to give it a go. I hope you like it. I have seen the movie too many times to count.
> 
> I am okay with grammar, but I do admit to having a comma problem!
> 
> This is a repost basically. I had this story on another site, and I am listing it here as well.

Chapter 1:

The Ride of Defeat

* * *

  
He didn't know how he ended up in this situation. No, that wasn't completely true. He had an idea how he had gotten here. He shook his head as the memory threatened to take over. He wasn't going to relive that memory, that horrifying nightmare. It made him shiver thinking of it. Damn it. It made him feel weak, and he wasn't weak. He wouldn't allow himself to be weak.

  
"Are you sure, Captain Kirk?" The man eyed the blond in front of him. If he had to judge, Jim was a man defeated. There was no fight left in his eyes. "It's a big decision. You don't want to rush into it." In his opinion, Kirk had given up.

  
Jim stared the Admiral down with one thought in mind. He had placed a lot of thought into this decision, and the Admiral had no idea how much it was killing him, but he had no other alternative. He shook off his anger, before speaking, "With all due respect, Admiral Barnett, I have thought about this."

  
"I do not believe you have," Barnett said, turning to the monitor where the documents for Kirk's resignation were waiting for completion. “If you did, you wouldn't have chosen this. You've accomplished what many of us only dream of. You and the Enterprise have saved a great number of lives. You, the youngest Captain in Federation history, are the golden boy of Starfleet. Why would you throw it all away?" He started to type without waiting for an answer.

"I'm not throwing it away." Being James T. Kirk, he wanted to lash out and strike the man, sitting in front of him; however, that would only cause trouble. It wouldn't serve his purpose.

"I know some, who suffer through your situation, don't recover, and often..." The Admiral shook his head, not wanting to finish his thought. He didn't want that to happen to Captain Kirk, who had so much left to accomplish. "Don't throw your life-"

"Don't tell me how to live my life. I have made my decision."

Admiral Barnett met Jim's glare. "Understood." There was no use in fighting with a man, who had given up. The only person he would listen to was himself. Maybe after a couple months, he would come running back to Starfleet. "I will accept your resignation from Starfleet, but Admiral Pike must sign off on it." He gave him one long look before turning away.

* * *

The alcohol felt like frozen knifes, running down his throat, but it took the edge off. It was a comfort to his aching heart. It made life seem almost livable, which of course he knew wasn't. He had nothing to live for. He had given up the one thing that gave him meaning, and now, he was a man without purpose. He had no idea what he was going to do next, besides having another drink. Alcohol was the only real thing in life. It was the only thing he could count on. It was going to be there the next day.  
Jim ordered a lime green shot and downed it. It tickled his buzzed senses as it passed through his body. He didn't care that his senses were disappearing, or that he was making a fool of himself. He just didn't care anymore. The only thing that he cared about was his pain, his rocketing pain. It needed to end, and the only thing, that assuages it, was alcohol. It had loosened the pain's hold on his heart. He ordered another drink and raised it to his warm lips. The clear liquid gave him a sense of security.

"Jim, put the drink down," a voice ordered.

Said man finished it. Soon after, Jim ordered another drink and brought it to his lips, but before he could drink the delicious liquid, the bottle disappeared from his hand. "Hey! What's your problem?" he asked, jumping to his feet. The alcohol had started to affect him. Everything was spinning, but he was able to pinpoint his drink.

"Jim," the man muttered, throwing the drink away. He placed a hand on the intoxicated man's shoulders. "Let's go, you had enough." Jim broke from his grip.

Kirk made his way back to the bar and ordered yet another drink, but the strange man, who looked familiar, took it from Jim. "Hey!" Jim protested. The anger that was boiling through his blood was directed at this man, who kept interrupting him. He needed his drink, damn it. He hadn't gotten to that point, the point where everything disappeared and were simply forgotten. He needed to forget who he was. He didn't want to be James T. Kirk anymore. He hollered for the bartender.

Confusion was present on Tom, the bartender's face, when he arrived. "What can I get you?" he asked.

The strange but familiar man cut Jim off, before he could order another drink. "As an officer of Starfleet, I, Admiral Christopher Pike, recommend that you not supply this man with another drink. He's clearly intoxicated." Tom glanced between them and walked away. It was stupid to pick a fight with Starfleet.

Damn it, Jim thought. Even in this buzzed state, words still made sense. The word Starfleet rang through him body. "What the hell gives you that right?"

"Jim." Pike reached for Jim, but the young man pulled away. "You're drunk."

"Says you." Kirk had a high tolerance for alcohol, which was the only reason he could understand what Pike was saying. He wasn't drunk. "Why are you here?" he asked, feeling his senses returning. Things became clearer. Words had meaning again.

Pike stared at the young man in front of him. "I'm here about your resignation." He didn't recognize the young man in front of him.  
Jim waved him off, looking for the bartender, but Tom, whose glance landed on Admiral Pike, ignored him.

"Jim, can we talk?" Pike asked. Not wanting to have conversation at the bar, he walked away and took a seat at one of the many round tables. He signaled for Jim to join him, but the young man ignored him, trying to get Tom's attention. "You know, this is the same bar where we first met."  
Remembering that night was somewhat amusing, even though he got his ass kicked; however, the man he'd nicknamed, Cupcake didn't fare better. Jim laughed, thinking about it. He had his share of bar fights, and most of the time he came out bloody, but that was the fun part. He was lucky that he didn't have many scars. In fact, he was lucky to be alive. He had been in many life and death situations, not even counting the situations he got himself into, while he was the Captain of the Enterprise. He would be dead without…Bones. He shook his head. He didn't want to think about him.

"You were a bloody mess."

Jim gave up on the bartender and took a seat across from Admiral Christopher Pike. "I vaguely remember." His eyes wandered, looking for a target. Maybe, he could get a pretty young person to buy him a drink. I need another drink. I'm starting to think clearly. His eyes spotted a beautiful young lady in the corner. Now, I just need to get her attention without Pike knowing.

"You cleaned up and made one fine captain."

"Says you." What good is a captain, whose crew doesn't want him? He hid his smile as the 'target' met his glance. She smiled, quite obvious that she found him attractive, and walked to the bar. Win.

Pike took a nice, long look at Jim. "What happened to you, Jim?" The target ordered a drink, and made her way to Jim. "Jim?"

Placing the drink in front of Jim, she failed to notice Admiral's expression as he eyed the drink. She also failed to notice Jim's expression as she reached down Jim's chest. She was inches away from his manhood; normally, he would be okay with it. He was a player; however, he wasn't feeling this. In fact, he was freaking out, but he wasn't going to show it. He wasn't weak. With one swift movement of the hand, he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her away, but he had her close enough to whisper into her ear. "Watch your hands, sweetheart," he warned in a harsh tone. His breath made her shiver.

She stared into his beautiful blue eyes and froze. He let go of her hand, and she hurried out of there without saying a word. Jim eyed her out of the corner of his eye, until she was a safe distance away. He grabbed his drink, before Pike had a chance to steal it.

"Besides the fact, I marvel at how you got her to buy you a drink, I saw that," he said, eyeing the drink in Jim's hand.  
Drinking half the bottle, Jim was slowly relosing his senses. "Saw what?"

"I saw how you tensed, when she reached for you."

"And you wouldn't? You know where she was going," he responded, defensive. He would need another drink after this, as he could still feel anxious. He didn't know what he was going to do after the bottle was empty It was a good friend, his only friend.

"Oh? I know where she was going, and I know you. You don't normally fret out over touches like those, and now? Jim, you have to let it out."

"Shut-it." Jim had no interest in talking about that one night. He had no interest in reliving it. That one night changed his life forever; it was the night that he lost his crew and everything that he ever dreamed.

Pike took a deep breath. "You can't keep it in."

"I'm not some chick, who needs to talk about what she's feeling. I'm James T. Kirk and I refuse to be that person who tears up over everything."

"I never said you were, but you can't run from it."

"I'm not running from anything," Jim uttered, finishing the bottle. He had an urge to obtain another target to get him a drink, but he doubted that Pike would fall for that.

"I don't know what you're going through, and I won't say that I do; however, I'll say that you don't have to go through this alone. You have friends." He stood up to leave. "I will not accept your resignation. You'll report to the U.S.S. Enterprise in two days." He stared down Jim, who nursed the empty bottom for the last few drops.  
Jim fought the desire to hit Admiral Pike. Who did he think he was? He didn't know what he was going through. He had no right to tell him what to do. "I will not report to the Enterprise. I won't be somewhere where I'm not wanted."

"Not wanted? Aboard the Enterprise with your friends?"

"I don't have friends," he muttered, after the drop landed on his tongue.

"What are you talking about? You have-"

"No, I don't." He stood up rather fast, and the room spun. "I don't." He shook his head, trying to find the door. Targeting the door, he made his way.

"Jim, what's going on?" Pike asked, following the blond. By the time Jim answered the old man, they were outside. However, he didn't answer with his words, but rather, with his movements to his bike. "They don't know what happened to you, do they?" There was no answer. Shock was present in his voice. "So what do they think happened? What do they think of you?"

The young drunk man made his away to his motorcycle, playing with the key in his hands.

"I never knew you were a coward, Jim." Pike eyed him. He didn't like how this was going. "You left the Enterprise over a lie?"

"I didn't leave the Enterprise over a lie." Jim climbed onto his bike. "I left the Enterprise, because the fit wasn't right for anyone anymore." His helmet was secured on his head, but the keys still dangled in his hand.

"You know that's a lie. You're the only one, who's right for that ship."

Jim glanced back, noticing the look in Admiral Pike's eyes. It was pure fear, as if he was watching him ride to his death, and he could be right. Jim was passed the legal limit; he could easily be riding to his death, but he didn't care. He didn't care if he died right then. In fact, he wished he would die right then. He wouldn't have to face what had happened to him. He wouldn't have to know that the people, who mattered most to him, hated him. He wouldn't have to face a life without the Enterprise. "I don't fit there anymore, and I won't fit anywhere else."

"Just tell them what happened to you."

"Tell them what? I was sexually assaulted. That I was…" He couldn't say the world. His ego wouldn't let him say it, and though it made him sound sexist, any man that allowed themselves to be raped wasn't a man. "No, if they're willing to believe that about me in the first place, then we weren't friends to begin with." He wasn't going to beg.  
Pike took a deep breath. "You can't get through this without them."

"And I can't get through this with them," he countered. He needed to get out of there, before he went crazy, even if he was already crazy. Slipping the key into the slot, Jim turned it over, and the bike came live.

"Jim, don't you dare." The engine roared as Jim placed his foot on the gas. "Don't you dare."

The young man registered the fear in Admiral Pike's voice, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anyone or anything anymore. The engine roared again.

"If you drive away now, you'll kill yourself." Pike made his way to Jim, but the bike took off as fast as Jim could possibly get it. He heard Pike yelling for him to stop. He heard him curse. He heard him cry out to him, but no matter what he said, Jim had no interest in listening to him. He had other things on his mind, and his life wasn't one of them. Nothing about his life made the list.

The road became nothing more than dirt as Jim turned off the main street. This dirt road brought back so many memories. He remembered stealing his dead father's car and driving it off the cliff. Though he got the shit beat out of him by his stepfather, he didn't regret much. The only thing, he regretted, was jumping out of the car. He should've gone over the cliff too, then; he wouldn't be in this pain. Then it hit him; that it was easily corrected.

Somehow, he threw off his helmet without slowing down. The engine seemingly roared with such anger that Jim didn't know existed. The tires screamed as the speed rose to an unnatural level. The wind blew into his face to the point that he couldn't see. His eyes watered. His mind flashed back to that same old memory, making him feel like a child. For a second, Jim had truly thought he had gone back to that time, and he wished that it could stay that way. Back then, he had no trouble, well besides his dear old mother and Frank. There was no doubt in his mind that they wished he had died back then. He hated to think that his own mother hated him, but that was how it was.  
Brought back to reality by a bug lodging itself in his throat, James T. Kirk spotted the fateful cliff. His foot pressed harder on the gas, and the engine hollered one last time as it reached into the red. Jim knew the engine wasn't going to last much longer, but that wouldn't matter. He only needed to go a little bit farther to take off into the air. His eyes focused on the cliff, which seemed like the only way out.

It was calling to him.

Closing his eyes for second, he remembered the last happy memory he had. His lover's face appeared in his mind's eye, causing him to snap back to reality. Even if Spock hated him, which he knew he did, he wouldn't want him to do this. Jim didn't know why he would think of what that man would've wanted. Spock believed that Jim betrayed him and treated him like he was nothing; however, Jim was the one, who had been betrayed. All of his friends had turned their backs on him without even listening to him. They judged him before they knew what had happened, not that he would have told them anyway. He couldn't even admit it to himself.

The mood was gone; however, he didn't have time to stop the bike. The only way he was getting out this alive was to jump, which was what he did. His body buckled, hitting the ground; it was one of the most painful experiences of his life. His head felt like it was on fire, his arms felt like they had been ripped from his body, and his chest felt like it had been stomped on by a half ton horse. He heard the faint explosion of his bike; he knew he was still alive.

"Fuck," he muttered. Not only was he in extreme pain, he had just lost his brand new ride. He loved that bike. Damn. He was going to have to walk home now, but he had no one to blame but himself. He was the one who wanted to kill himself. He pushed himself up off the ground, forcing the scream back down his throat. He was going to feel this in the morning. He wiped the dirt from his face, only to discover he was covered in blood. After examining himself, he found numerous bleeding lacerations. It didn't bother the blond as he found the blood to be rather cooling, especially in this hot sun.

"Better get walking," Jim told himself, seeing miles of nothing. There was nothing around that could be used as a shelter, and he needed to get to out of the heat. Shit, I feel like I have been hit by a car, he thought. At every step he took, pain shot through his whole body. "This is going to be a long walk home."

When young Kirk got home, it was already dark. His body had developed a heavy limp, by the time he came upon his driveway. He was out of breath and knew he would 'die' the second he reached his bed. He was so tired, and he didn't care if he bleed and ruined his new bed. He just wanted to go to bed and sleep the pain away, but he doubted that would happen when he noticed someone on his porch. He hoped it wasn't Admiral Pike. He didn't want to hear what that man had to say. He didn't need a lecture.

To his surprise, it wasn't Admiral Pike, but rather his long lost brother, whom he hadn't seen in years. He would have run to his brother, if he wasn't in extreme pain; instead, a smile appeared on his face. "How did you find me?" Jim asked, hiding everything he was feeling. He didn't want this meeting to be ruined by his many problems.

"I heard someone had brought old Gina's place," his brother smiled. Standing only a few inches taller than Jim, he wasn't as lean and muscular as his younger brother, but he was built. "I just came out here to introduce myself, being a good neighbor," he smiled. "Being the gentleman."

"And you were always the gentleman, Sam." Jim hadn't move, since spotting his brother on the old patchy porch. He didn't want Sam to notice how beat up he was. He was glad for the cover of darkness.

"Yea, I was." Sam stepped down from the porch. "So why are you here, Jim? Last, I heard of you, you had joined Starfleet." A chuckle escaped from his lips. "And Mother wasn't pleased."

"Of course she wasn't," Jim said, remembering that woman. She wasn't please at anything that he had accomplished. He had no illusions that she would be happy for him.

"Anyway," Sam said, rubbing his blond head. The Kirks were a family full of blonde. "I hear congratulations are in order, you know for saving the world."

His older brother was traipsing through uncomfortable waters. Jim didn't want to talk about that life anymore. He would rather talk about the shabby house that he had brought. The farm house looked like it was going to fall apart, but Jim liked it. Repairing it, it gave him something to do. "I guess."

Sam eyed his brother. "I know we haven't seen each other in years, but I know when something's wrong. What is it? Why are you here? Why aren't you with Starfleet?" He took a few more steps closer to Jim, and the state of his little brother became visible.

Jim shivered under his brother's eyes. He felt inferior like he had failed his brother. "I'm fine, Sam." He didn't want to talk about Starfleet. "Just crashed my bike on the way back," he answered, noticing Sam's concern.

"Is that why you walked back?" There was a pause. "Why didn't you call anyone? I'm sure someone would've picked you up."

Jim snorted. They both knew that there was no one, who he could have called, even though there were a couple that came to mind, but that wasn't the point. "Yea, Sam. I could've called Frank." He narrowed his eyes, walking past him.

"JIMMY!" Sam yelled, seeing how badly his brother was injured.

"What did you expect? I crashed." Jim limped his way to the door, searching for his keys. It didn't surprise him, when he couldn't find his keys. They probably went over the cliff with his bike. Fighting the urge to curse, he pulled out his ID and picked the lock. He didn't want his brother to know where his keys really were. "Would you like to come in?" He pushed the door open.

"Yes, I would like that," Sam said, following his brother into the house. "We can catch up. I would like to tell you about Joy."  
Jim turned around, too quickly. He almost lost his footing. "Joy?"

"My fiancé," Sam smiled.

He looked away from his old brother, ashamed. His brother had great news to tell him, but he only had bad, which he couldn't even tell his brother. Sam didn't need to know about the trial, the resignation, and the suicide attempt. He didn't need to know any of it. "That's great. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks." Sam went on all about Joy, who seemed like a great lady. She was everything that anyone would ever want in partner. "I can see that you're bored."

Jim wouldn't say that; he rather enjoyed listening to his brother talk. He was happy that his brother was able to find someone, who he would be able to spend the rest of his life with. He wished that he could have found that special someone. Well, he did find that special person, but… He shook his head. He mustn't think of Spock at this time. The man had already told him so (in so many words) that he didn't want him. Even his (well not anymore) crew told him that they didn't want him. Did anyone want him? "Not at all." He smiled.

Sam laughed. "Well that's good."

"So when are you getting married?" Jim would be there no matter what.

"In a three days, and I want you there. That is if Starfleet will let you."

"I'll be there no matter what Starfleet says." The word stunned as it left his mouth, but he wasn't going to let it show. Sorry, Pike, but I can't.

"Excellent," Sam smiled. He sat across from Jim in an old chair that needed to be thrown away. "I guess it would be stupid to ask, if you had visited Mother yet. I know she would love to see you."

Jim did his best not to laugh, but he wouldn't keep in his snort. She would rather see Dad than me. He thought. "I bet Frank would love that."

"Hey, they can't turn away the famous Starfleet Captain, who had saved the planet as well as their lives."

"You would never know," Jim said, not having the nerve to correct him. He didn't know, if he would ever have the nerve to correct him. He doubted that he could ever be able to face Frank or his mother, if they knew. He could almost see the look on Frank's face, if he ever found out. "I knew you would always be a failure, boy." He didn't know if he could take that.

"Give Mother some faith. I doubt she could be able to turn away her baby boy."

Jim almost laughed again. He was never her baby boy, and he would never be no matter what happened. "If you say so, Sam." He couldn't disappoint his brother.


	2. Loss of the Innocence

Chapter 2:

Loss of the Innocence

 

* * *

Admiral Christopher Pike believed in people rather than facts. Facts were constant, but facts would mean nothing without people acting on them.

He had no evidence that James T. Kirk would show up. He hoped, or rather, prayed that Jim would show up, even if there were no sign that he would; however, Jim would do anything to be unpredictable, but it made him quite predictable at times. He remembered when he convinced him to join Starfleet. Jim arrived, after the shuttle was schedule to take off, but Pike still waited for the boy. He knew Jim was going to show up; however, this time, he wasn't so sure. He had never seen a man so defeated.

"I don't think he's coming, Admiral."

Pike sighed, glancing to the man next of him. "I don't think he is either, Captain Pitts." It was already ten minutes past shuttle departure time. _Damn you, Jim._

"Hey, he'll be back to Starfleet before you know it." Pitts, who was much older than Pike, stood at six foot three inches. His starch white hair had started to thin out on top. He was slightly overweight, but he hid it well. "That's why you put me in charge of the Enterprise." He smiled.

Pike's eyes brushed over the horizon for a brief second. "I hope Jim will change his mind before you retire in two months." He was slightly annoyed at Jim. He placed his faith and reputation in him, only to have it thrown in his face. However, he didn't blame Jim for his decision. Pike didn't know what the Enterprise crew did to lose their Captain's trust, but once it was gone; it took hell to get it back.

"Two months of the unknown would send anyone back. Kirk isn't the type to sit back and do nothing." Pitts walked back to the shuttle and rested his hand upon the frame.

"He'll be back, and his crew will be waiting for him."

I hope so. Pike shook his head. His crew misjudged him, and now, they have lost him. It was a sad day for Starfleet, losing one of their star captains. "Let's get you to the Enterprise. It's time they meet their new captain."

Pitts nodded, entering the small shuttle. Pike took a deep breath, before following the man into the craft. There was only one thought on his mind: this was going to be an interesting meeting. The only thing, that could lighten his day, would be the shocked expressions of the crew, when they met their new captain. Closing the door, he made one quick look at the horizon.

* * *

  
Leonard McCoy stared off into space, wondering what the hell had happened to Jim. He had disappeared a short week ago without a word. When Jim didn't return, he contacted Starfleet himself as no one else cared to. Not that he blamed them, not after what Jim had done to Spock. Everyone sided with the pointy-eared goblin, even Leonard himself had. He thought Jim had changed and became a better man, but he was deeply mistaken. It wasn't like he hadn't done this before, but Leonard thought it was different. He was very wrong, and that was what unnerved him. He felt like a moron for believing Jim, and that was the last straw. He was sick of fixing Jim's mistakes.

The doctor took a deep breath, remembering how everyone treated Jim. Bones knew if he faced what Jim had from the crew, he would've disappeared. They were rude and disrespectful to their Captain, and that probably pissed Leonard off the most. They may dislike and hate Jim, but when it entered the workplace, it had gone too far. He was shocked how far Spock, of all people, had let them take it. He was supposed to be all logical, but he was acting in the most illogical way.

He glanced around the sickbay. He was alone, which was expected, considering they were docked at one of the earth's orbiting spaces ports. There wasn't any reason for any of the crew to be hurt as they were all stuck on ship. The only person, who wasn't accounted, was Captain Kirk, but it wasn't abnormal for a Captain to be absent while docked. He probably was in an important meeting. Besides, Starfleet had already said that everything was fine with James T. Kirk. He was to be as expected, which didn't sit well with Dr. McCoy. What the hell did that mean? To be as expected? Did something happen to Jim? No, Jim would've told him if something were wrong. But you guys aren't speaking, remember? Leonard took a deep breath, worried about Jim. He's probably sleeping with some chick, and you're worrying about nothing. That one thought made him curse loudly. It would only make his situation worse, if anyone upon the Enterprise were to find out.

The good doctor quickly left the sick bay, wondering if there was any word on Jim. The bridge being the best place for information, Leonard made him way there, only to find the bridge crew in a lively conversation. He wasn't the only one sick of a weeklong dock. Tensions were running high again.

"What do you think it is?" Sulu asked.

Spock, who sat awkwardly, responded, "if was vital to this ship, I am sure we would have been made aware of it." His long fingers typed away.

"Spock's right. I'm sure Kirk's on some beach somewhere with a girl." Uhura didn't notice Spock finch slightly, but Leonard, who was eyeing the commander, saw it as clear as day.

"I don't think ve should be talking like that," Chekov said, feeling uncomfortable.

Uhura glanced to Spock, whose full attention was on the monitor, and decided against saying what was on her mind. The bridge went silent as no one dared to speak.  
Leonard looked away and, took a few steps in. He ended up behind the captain's seat, which reminded him of Jim. It even smelled like him. He shook his head. Was he the only one taking this seriously? Was their Captain's safety not important? He knew that they were upset, and he couldn't blame them; however, they had crossed the line. He didn't dare call them out in Spock's present. That man scared him at times.

A few minutes later, the door to the bridge opened, but no one made a sound until they realized who it wasn't. Admiral Pike, and some unknown man stood calmly with their arms rested behind their backs. What were they doing here? Spock, signaling the rest of the bridge, rose to his feet. McCoy eyed the two men.

"At ease, men," Pike ordered. Everyone returned slowly to their seats, but Pike and the strange man held their attention. Pike opened his mouth, obviously wanting to get this over with. "I would like to introduce you to Captain Pitts, the new captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise."

For a brief second, the bridge went completely silent, but it didn't remain that way. McCoy burst, "What do you mean new Captain? What the hell happened to Jim?" His face flared, as he took a step forward. Anger was present in his voice.  
No one dared speak until Spock stated, "The purpose of human pranks escapes me. Where is Captain Kirk?" No one else worked up the nerve, not that Spock understood how someone could work up a nerve. How would that help someone speak?

Pike took a deep breath. "This isn't a prank. Captain James Kirk is no longer the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Yes, I gathered that." His eyes flicked to Spock, before resting on Pike and their new Captain, who looked way too old to be the new Captain of the Enterprise. The man looked days away from retirement. What would be the point in appointing him captain?

"Has he transferred to a new ship?" Sulu asked. Had they gone too far?

Light frown appeared on Pike's face. "I wish, but no. Mr. Kirk is no longer with Starfleet. He handed in his resignation for medical reasons."

Dead silence filled the bridge again. The word coward escaped from Uhura's lips, but only McCoy and Spock heard. "Medical reasons?" The doctor asked. "Are you kidding me? I would've known, if that were true. I am his doctor."

"You were his doctor, McCoy." Pike stepped deeper into the bridge.

"May I ask what those were, Admiral?" Spock asked, as McCoy remained silent.

"J-" Pike started, but Captain Pitts stopped him with a wave of the hand. "I believe, Commander Spock, that if Mr. Kirk wanted you to know, you would've been made aware. As it is clear you have not, I will not reveal it to you." Pitt walked passed Pike, heading to the Captain chair. McCoy, who was standing next to it, stepped away not wanting to be in his path.

"What are you saying?" Leonard asked. He didn't like this man's tone.

"I'm not talking in riddles, Doctor." His hand ran over the chair. Pitts hadn't seen anything like this before. The Enterprise was really top of the line; no expense was too much.

"I'm merely saying that you mustn't have been close to Captain Kirk. I doubt anyone was." His eyes surfed the crew.

McCoy held down his anger, knowing it wouldn't be wise to unleash it on a superior officer. In addition, he knew Captain Pitts was right, and that alone killed him. During Jim's last month aboard this ship, he was treated like he was slime.

Pike let out a sigh, knowing where this was going. "I think I'll let you guys bond." He would have to make check in later to make sure no one was dead. "I have a meeting that I have to go to." He left without another word, leaving Captain Pitts with his new crew.

Tension rose as Captain Pitts took a seat in the captain's seat. Everyone eyed up the new captain, unsure what to think of him, but McCoy knew he didn't like this. He hated not knowing what happened to Jim, and he knew he wasn't the only one. He was going to find out what had happened to his best friend.

"Stop gossiping and get back to work. I want a full systems check." McCoy didn't have time to think as Captain Pitt started to run down a long list of orders. There was a brief hesitation, but no one dared question the man. He may be old, but he was strict.

* * *

The church, a fitting example of 21st century artisanship, was kept up nicely. The arches were carved out marble that sparkled in the sunlight. The pillars were shaped to look like long, never ending–spirals. The altar had angels carved into the sides, and behind it was painted a beautiful mural. The pews, a dark cherry wood, were created to look like carriages. The marble floor was covered in a red carpet, which was recently placed. Multiple kinds of flowers were lined in front of the stained glass windows. That was before the bride got her hands on the church.

Red fabric hung from the arches as red rose petals lined the floor. Red flowers of multiple shades replaced the multi-colored flowers on the window. Red fabric spiraled down the pillars. Red fabric interwove in the pews, while red bows hanged off the ends. Incense was placed randomly throughout the church, causing the church to slowly smell like cinnamon. It was truly beautiful.

Jim wondered around the church, taking everything in. His hands ran over the cold marble. He was happy for his brother but he would be lying if he said he wasn't jealous. He was very much jealous. He wished he had what his brother had with Joy, or rather, he wished he still had it.

"It's beautiful, isn't? Joy has an eye," Sam said. He was already in his fancy penguin suit. He looked good in black; it made his blond hair stand out.  
Jim sighed, returning to the center of the church. He was still limping. "Yes, she does. So how are you affording this?" He knew damn well that Frank wasn't helping, and Winona wouldn't be any help, if Frank was against it. She did whatever that man wanted.

Sam smirked. "I have my ways."

Jim laughed, wondering what Sam did. He hoped it wasn't anything illegal, but since he wasn't with Starfleet anymore, he forced his mind off it. "Really? Then you can hook me up with a new bike?" Sam playfully mocked no, and their laughter filled the church, which was due to fill up in an hour. "That was good. I needed a laugh."

"Jim, what does that mean?" Sam asked, walking to his younger brother. He eyed his finely dressed brother, who still sported signs of his crash. His beautiful face was still scratched up, and a large Band-Aid was plastered to it. His body was still bashed up, but his suit covered many of these injuries. "What's going on?"

Footsteps could be heard as Jim turned away. "Nothing's going on. Everything's fine." Besides, the fact that I lost my purpose. He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Jimmy," Sam said.

"Don't Jimmy me. I'm fine, and besides, this is your wedding day. You should only be worried about that." He put on the biggest smile he would muster. "My only brother's getting married. Nothing else matters."

Sam walked to his brother and carefully pulled him into a hug. Patting him on the back, he pulled away; however, his hand was still clapped to his arm. "That may be true, but I'll always be your brother. I'll always be there for you."

"Yes, you'll always be." Even when you left. Jim smiled, not wanting to ruin such a peaceful moment with Sam. He wasn't going to let his dark thoughts to ruin this day.

"Sam, Jim," a woman called out from the entry.

Both men turned to face the woman, but only one responded. "Hello, Mother," Sam said, walking to her. He pulled her into a big hug.

Jim didn't move, nor did he make any sound. It had been years since he had seen the woman who had given birth to him. The last time was when he moved out of the house at sixteen, which she wasn't too upset about. It made him wonder, if she ever cared about him. If anyone ever cared about him. Was he going to live a life of abandonment? Was that all he was good for? Damn, I need a drink. He promised himself that he wasn't going to drink, not on this day, but if he was going to have to deal with his mother and Frank, he would have to.

"Sam, can I talk to Jim alone please?" His mother asked. "I believe your groomsmen need you." She smiled.

"Yes, Mother," Sam responded, placing a kiss on his cheek. He glanced over to Jim, before leaving.

Winona Kirk was a beautiful woman, and her smile was warm and inviting. It could have made the strongest of men turn into a puddle but not Jim. Coming closer to her youngest son, there was a sharp intake of breath. She took him in. "Jim, what happened to you?" She asked.

He couldn't bear to look at the woman and turned away. His eyes rested on one of the stained glass window, which portrayed a classic image of the catholic religion. This church was created in an era that religion was huge. "It's nothing. Just crashed my bike." Jim had no interest in talking to his mother.

She tried to get a better look of him. "Jim." She reached for him, but he shook her off. "I know we aren't close. We have our problems, but-"

"But what, mother?" He exhaled.

"Jim."

"No, I refuse to talk to you." I need a drink. His promise was thrown to the curb.

"Jim," she called out him. Her voice was calm and collective.

"Why would I talk to you? You abandoned me with Frank, so you wouldn't be reminded of my father." He balled his fist. He couldn't talk about it without getting emotional. That man made his blood boil; he doubted he would be able to restrain himself if he saw him. He needed to consume alcohol, if he wanted to stop himself from killing that man.

"I don't understand why you have a problem with Frank. He has been kind to you and your brother."

Jim snorted. "Only around you." He turned his head, catching her eyes for a brief second, as he looked for a way to escape. The entry wouldn't work, because he doubted Sam was too far away. This had to be a trap; his brother wanted to get them together.

"What's with the attitude?" Winona asked. Her peaceful tone had vanished. "Is this because of your resignation from Starfleet?"

All of the sudden, the air left his lungs, and he had lost all ability to think. Things went fuzzy. "How do you know about that?" he asked, his voice shaky.

"I work for the Federation. Your resignation spread like a wildfire. You're the golden boy of Starfleet."

Jim felt his whole body shake. If she knew about that, what else did she know about? "Does Sam know?"

"No, Jim. I didn't tell him. I thought you were saving it until after the wedding but now I'm wondering if you were ever going to tell him." She walked to Jim.

He waved her off. "What does it matter? I assume you had already told Frank, and he's probably going to spill the beans just to mess with me." He needed to sit. He needed to think this through. The step by the altar looked like a good choice.

"Yes, Frank knows, but I doubt he would do that to you."

Then you don't know him that well. He eyed his woman. She hadn't changed much. She still had the same blind faith in Frank. I need a drink…no, I need five drinks.

"I told him that we should keep it quiet for a little bit." She stood a few feet in front of him, not making any motion of contact. She knew Jim didn't want her to touch him.

_I definitely need a drink_. His step-father would rub his resignation in his face. Frank would love to show him how useless he was. Narrowing his eyes, he wondered what else he should be worried about. "What else did you hear about me?"

"Was there something else?" Winona asked, worried.

That's good. At least, Starfleet can keep something quiet. He didn't know what would happen, if the knowledge about his ordeal was released. How would his 'family' react to that? Would Frank laugh in his face and say he deserved it? Jim didn't think he could handle that. And what would his mother and brother do? Would they feel sorry for him?

Would they pity him? He didn't need their pity. He didn't need anyone's pity. "No."

Winona took a deep breath; Jim answered far too fast for to be fine. "Jim, what else is there?"

His body ached, pushing himself up. "No. There's nothing that I wish to tell." Even if he wanted to tell his mother, he wouldn't be able to.

"I'm here, if you would like to talk."

Walking past his mother, he headed to the door. He had no interest in talking to his mother. "If I wanted to talk, it wouldn't be with you."

She flinched at his tone, but she shook it off. "I'm happy we had this time to talk. I believe it has been beneficial." Jim didn't even look back to acknowledge that she had spoken. The door to the impressive church slammed closed as the young blond stormed out, leaving Winona alone.

* * *

 

  
It had been a long time, since he stepped through these halls. It brought back memories, but he pushed them back, having had enough of them. It was illogical to be affected by memories, which had no influence on the present, other than to bring out emotions, and emotions were illogical, as they served no purpose. There was one memory, however, that he couldn't push back. It plagued his dreams, which was also illogical. Why would someone intentionally hurt themselves? He didn't usually dream, but to humans, dreams were important; it was the way that the self-conscious revealed itself. Spock didn't know what this dream was trying to tell him, but he had no interest in finding out.  
He remembered the night, when Captain Kirk and a few Starfleet officials went planet side to meet with the government officials. It was a routine thing, but Spock found himself worrying. He didn't know understand why. It was illogical. There was no point in worrying, because it served no purpose, and it would accomplish nothing. In the end, he assumed it was well placed, because Captain Kirk was late. His heart skipped when his Jim came back, and broke when Jim walked into the Captain's quarters. When the door opened, Spock only noticed the smell on Jim, and nothing else. He didn't see Jim. The disgusting smell had overwhelmed him, sending all logic out the door. His Captain had betrayed him and mated with another. Spock disappeared from the room as fast as he could, refusing to let Jim explain. Spock shook his head, trying to get the memory out of his mind.

He had become emotional. He was snarky with the crewmembers, and his anger had passed to the others, who started to treat the Captain as he had. The Vulcan, who had his heart broken, didn't care, even though it went against his Vulcan half. He accounted this to his human half. When Captain Kirk disappeared, he became more illogical. It didn't matter how angry he was. He was worried about Jim, but that worry didn't last long; as the crew pondered what their famous Captain was doing, or who he was doing. He came to believe that his Captain didn't care what his crew thought. Not that it mattered. It was illogical to care what others thought about oneself. His younger days were a testament to that.  
However, they were wrong. It was obvious that Kirk cared what they thought. His resignation was proof. The fact that Kirk left Starfleet made Spock wonder if he was sorry for betraying him. He wasn't going to take him back, but it made him feel a little better about the situation. Nothing good would come from Kirk's resignation; he was too valuable to lose, and it annoyed Spock that Kirk left. He didn't believe him to be a coward, but he guessed he was wrong, which also annoyed him. It also annoyed him at the level that Kirk could annoy him. It was most illogical.

  
Closing his eyes, he stood in the middle of the hallway, whispering something to himself in Vulcan to calm himself. He mustn't let that man get to him. He had to collect himself before he met his future self, who was on Earth. Spock was interested in talking with him, which was the only reason why he was at the Academy. After a few deep breaths, he continued his way down the hallway. He needed advice and guidance from his counterpart. He didn't know how to deal with this Kirk situation; in addition, he didn't know whether his betrayal was still affecting him or his captain leaving without word. Was it both? It pained him to be in the same room as Jim, but yet, it pained him, when he wasn't. What was wrong with him? There had to be something wrong with him to be this illogical.

  
It didn't take long for him to find who he was looking for. Ambassador Selek, his counterpart, was visiting the Academy for important business, and Spock hoped that Selek would have time to speak with him. He knew Selek was in meetings all day, and there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to; however, he had no other alternative. The Enterprise was leaving for a month long mission, with their new Captain later this evening. It would be the first mission without Captain Kirk, since he had taken over the Enterprise a year ago.

  
Stepping closer, he got a better view of his future self, who was in a deep conversation with Admiral Pike. Even from this distance, he knew it was personal, but he couldn't make out what they were speaking. He could make out words here and there, but sentences were out of his reach. When he moved closer, he could make out what they were saying; however, they became quiet at the sight of him.

  
"Can I help you, Commander Spock?" Admiral Pike asked, eyeing the younger Vulcan. His stance became formal at the sight of him.

  
"I request to speak with Ambassador Selek, if he has the time." Spock glanced over to his older self, wondering what was he was thinking.

  
Pike met Selek's glance, before returning to Spock. "I do believe that will be fine. Selek and I are just finishing up." He turned away from him. "I do believe our conversation was constructive. I hope you understand my concerns."

  
"I very much do, Admiral Pike, and I share your concerns." Selek looked down, thinking about the situation. "I will have to see, if there is anything I can do."

  
"Very well. I have to go. Important business. An admiral's job's never finished," Pike saluted, before disappearing.

Spock watched him leave, before speaking, "I have some things to discuss. I-" He refrained as Selek silenced with his hand.

"Not even going to say hello? What happened to simple conversation manners?" Selek eyed his younger self.

"I did not believe these were necessary." Spock's eyebrow rose.

Selek took a deep breath. "They are unnecessary but nice." He looked over the young man, who had so many lessons to learn. "What do you have to discuss? I am afraid that I am in a hurry."

There was a long silence. "I cannot meditate or think properly. My nerves will not cede. I am acting in the most illogical way."

"Spock, have you consider that you are perfectly fine." Selek smiled in the most unVulcan way. His stance was soft and friendly.

"What do you mean?"

"You are half-human. These are your emotions. They are what make you different. You are influenced by them. What are you feeling?"

"I am conflicted." He paused, waiting for Selek to speak, but the old Vulcan remained quiet. "I cannot get him out of mind."

"Jim is simply hard to forget." He asked, already knowing the answer, "Why do you not go see him?"

"Why would I see him?" Spock asked, narrowing his eyes. "He had left Starfleet of his own freewill."

"Maybe, you don't know the whole story."

"I do not wish to hear about Jim's experience," Spock said, failing to notice the sour expression on Selek's face. You do not know the whole story.

"You are mistake. You do." Selek exhaled slowly. "I have to say farewell. I have somewhere to be. On an ending note, you should meditate on your memory. It may has something to tell you." He saluted, before also disappearing down the hallway.

Spock was left wondering what his counterpart meant. He told him he could not meditate, but yet, he ordered him to. For some reason, Selek wanted him to relive that memory; however, he didn't know that Spock was reliving it every time he closed his eyes. It haunted him every second of the day. He saw it too many times to need to relive it. He knew that there was nothing to tell. His counterpart was wrong. He flexed his hands, trying to forget that memory.

* * *

  
Thwacked!

Jim went flying back against the wall, causing pain to run through his whole body. His old injuries felt like they were on fire, but he wasn't giving up. Pushing off the wall, he tackled Frank to the ground, pounding him. Frank bucked Jim off and threw pouch at his face, but Jim blocked and countered. Fists flew for some time, before someone grabbed both Jim and Frank from behind and pulled them back. Frank shook off his restraint, but he didn't lunge for Jim. Instead, he straightened his suit, while Jim tried to break away from his. He wanted to go after Frank, who only laughed.

Something in Jim's head clicked. He suddenly remembered where he was, and his aching body froze. The person, holding back, released him, but Jim didn't move. His eyes were on the crowd; however, only two affected him. He was used to being treated like slime, but these two cut him to the core. His brother and his new wife were the only ones who mattered. It didn't matter that he had only just met the woman. Her opinion mattered. It was their wedding day, and he promised that he wouldn't do anything to ruin it, which had just happened. Turning away, he couldn't take the look in their eyes.

"I always knew you were a screw-up, boy. No wonder Starfleet didn't want you." Frank chuckled. The crowd started to mutter.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked, eyeing his younger brother.

"Didn't you hear? He isn't in Starfleet anymore," Frank chuckled.

"Jim, is this true?" Sam asked, taking a few steps from his brother. He was still upset with his brother, but he was starting to understand Jim's mood.

Turning his back on his brother, he picked his dress coat off the floor. His drink laid in a puddle on the floor. He didn't look back as he began his walk of shame. Making his way to the door, he ignored the increasing pain. He had disappointed enough people in his life, and besides, he shouldn't have gone to this wedding anyway.

"And they considered him their golden boy?" Frank's laugh was the last thing Jim heard as he exited the hall.

The sun was low in the sky; it was due to set soon. Taking a deep breath, he walked away from the building. Having no transportation, he had no choice but to walk home. He didn't mind walking, considering it give him time to think; however, walking was extremely painful. Shit, that fight must have reopened something. He checked himself, but he wasn't bleeding; however, his side was a deep shade of black and blue. I must have broken something, when I 'crashed'. And he doubted that that fight helped.

  
He took steps, before he was forced to stop; the pain was overwhelming. It was good thing that he wasn't a doctor, or else he would be freaking out with all the possibilities. He knew if B-McCoy was here, he would be freaking out. He knew he should be freaking out, but James T. Kirk did not freak out.

He startled by the slamming of a door. "I'm leaving, Sam. I'm sure your pretty wife wants me gone."

"She doesn't want you gone, just the problems that you're causing."

Jim stood still. It wasn't his brother, but at least, it wasn't his step-father; that man had already ruined everything. "Well, that's good to know," he muttered, turning around.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked the beautiful brunette. She was wearing a flowing red dress, which signaled she was a bridesmaid. "Shouldn't you be in there with the bride?"

She walked toward him, her eyes studying him. "There isn't anything important going on. Besides, don't you like my company?"

  
He shifted under her glance. He didn't unlike her company; she was easy on the eye, and if it wasn't for Spock, he had no doubt that he would be flirting endlessly with her… Why should that man even matter? He turned his back on him. He left him, abandoned him. "I don't mind it all." His grin filled up his face. "But I'm wondering why such a pretty thing is out with me."

  
Her eyes wandered up and down his body. "Walk."

"What?"

"I want you to walk to that curb," she ordered, pointing to a curb about twenty feet away.

He narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"I want to assess your injuries. Now move."

"Are you a doctor or something?"

"Yes, I am. I saw you limping back there. I want to check you out. Now move."

Jim muttered under his breath. Of course, I would run into a doctor. He followed her orders; however, he stopped midway. The pain was too much to bear threatening to overtake him. His teeth snapped closed, masking the pain. He didn't want this doctor to see how much pain he was in.

"Finish the walk."

He ignored her, looking for somewhere to sit. He would just sit somewhere and wait until she left. He located a good spot, not too far from him. Biting his bottom lip, he made his way and lowered himself onto a large rock.

Exhaling, she walked to Jim, staring him down. "Why didn't you finish?"

"I'm sorry, Doc, but I do not need your assessment. I'm fine." He wished he had a drink. He really needed one.

Her eyes became sharp. "It's obvious that you aren't." She bent down in front of him and poked him in the side, causing him to holler out in pain. "See."

"What the hell? What's with you doctors and poking me?" He tried to stand, but he didn't have the energy. Before he had time to react, his shirt opened, and she was examining his multi-colored injury. "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Shut-it," she ordered, applying pressure as he almost flew off the stone. "This doesn't look good." She ran her fingers over his skin. "We need to get you into the hospital."  
Pushing her off, he struggled to his feet. "I'm not going to hospital over an injury like this." His breaths became hollow, causing him to loosen the tie from his neck. He told himself the tie was too tight and there was no need to need to worry.

She took hold of his arm. "If I'm correct, you have broken a few ribs. I need to get you to the hospital before you pierce your lung."

"I'm fine," he said, pulling away from her.

"Mr. Kirk, I need to get you to the hospital." Her voice was becoming strained.

Waving her off, he took a few steps away from her. He struggled to catch his breath, but he didn't let it show. "I'm fine."

"And James T. Kirk will always be fine no matter what happens."

The doctor jumped, not recognizing the voice, but Jim knew to whom the voice belong to. "Spock," he uttered. The name felt weird on his tongue.

"No, not Spock. Ambassador Selek," the man spoke, coming into view.

"Yea, yea, Ambassador Selek." They didn't think the same, obvious by the fact that Selek was still talking to him, but Jim wasn't in the mood to talk to Spock, even if it was Spock Prime. "What do you want?" He closed his eyes. Even if it wasn't Spock of this time, it still hurt to look at him.

"I have been, and always shall be, your friend." He moved closer to the man, who had lost his way.

Biting his bottom lip, Jim turned to face Selek. He wasn't going to let his pain seep through to his face, even though he knew it was visible to the Vulcan, who cared. He closed his eyes, wishing his Spock felt the same way.

Selek took a deep breath, before turning to the girl. "You said he needed medical attention, Doctor."

"Yes, he does." She eyed his ears. Living in Iowa, she had seen her fair share of aliens, but she hadn't seen a Vulcan before. There was no reason for them to come to Iowa; there was nothing here but dirt.

"Very well. Jim, let's go." Selek moved closer to the young man.

Struggling to stay on his feet, Jim's world had started to spin. "If you're here to talk, let's talk." He fought to get this words out.

"We can talk once we get you checked out," Selek said.

"What gives you the right to worry about me, Vulcan?" Jim hissed. He took a few steps, eyeing Selek.

"Jim, we are friends," he responded, waving the doctor over. Jim's unsteadiness on his feet had become noticeable.

Black started to pierce thought his vision, and he became lost in it. In a stance while standing still, everything went back, and he could distantly hear them, calling him, but he didn't care. He was too exhausted to care. The darkness was welcoming.

* * *

Selek watched Jim's chest move, but he kept an eye on the doctors, who were checking his vitals. It wasn't that he mistrusted these doctors, but they were only humans. They made mistakes, and he wasn't willing to lose someone he cared about because of their possible mistakes. Placing a hand on Jim's, he was able to calm himself. Jim was always able to calm him, even when nothing else worked.

"You know you need to relax." The bridesmaid, now in a lab coat, doubled checked everything, making sure things were in order. Her brother-in-law was worried, and this kept him with his wife, when he wanted to be here with Jim. She should actually be there as well, but she wasn't going to leave Kirk in such a condition.

Vulcan's eyes wandered over Jim's sleeping form. A breathing tube went down his throat. A Band-Aid stuck to his chest, where his blood-filled lung was draining. "I am relaxed." His eyes wandered to her face. "When will he wake up, Doctor?" There were no ifs about it.

"His injuries are extensive, but they should heal over time. I can't give an exact time, because that's up to him." Her eyes studied the sleeping blond, before resting on the Vulcan's hand on Jim's. She found it unusual, based on her readings on Vulcans. "His injuries aren't consistent with a normal crash," she said louder than what she meant she'd intended.

"What do you mean?"

"These injuries are consistent with a person jumping off a moving object at high speeds." She shook her head, catching his eyes. "Don't listen to me. Just thinking aloud. Anyway, I should go report to Mrs. Kirk." She walked out of the room without another word.

_Jim_. Selek could feel his essence, and he didn't like what he was feeling. "Let's see what is going on." He placed his hand to Jim forehead, knowing this was an invasion of privacy. This would be considered a crime in the Vulcan race. Jim couldn't consent and had no power to stop Selek from entering his thoughts; however, Selek didn't have any other choice. He placed his fingers against his face and melded with him.

  
The mind was a truly wonderful place, and Jim's mind was usually no exception. It was a creative and beautiful; however, it was a desert wasteland at the moment. "What happened to you, Jim?" He found Jim, resting against the wreckage of a cherry red car, which was mangled belong belief. It was hard to believe that it was once a car, because it was nothing more than metal scraps. Plus, Jim didn't look well. His hair was a mess, and his officer uniform, if it could be called that, was ripped to pierces. His skin was visible and scarred. Dried blood was plastered to it. "Jim," he called out to him.

  
The blond didn't move, but he heard him. "What are you doing here, Old Spock?"

  
"You are not shocked that I am here?" he asked, making his way over. Jim's face was scratched up.

  
"I expected it from you." Jim looked forward at a cliff. "You aren't known for your patience," Jim put it nicely.

"No, I am not."

Jim's fingers played with the dirt. "Like the car? It was my father's."

Selek's eyes glanced toward the car. "What happened to it?" It was important to understanding what was going on in Jim's head.

The wind picked up. "See that cliff over there? I drove the car over it."

Silence filled the area. "How are you alive, Jim?" Selek didn't know the exact measurements, but there was no way that Jim could have survived that.

"I jumped." Out of nowhere, a ghost car raced passed them with a small boy driving. His memory relived itself with the Iowa cop included. "See," he pointed to his small self-jumping out of the car.

Selek narrowed his eyes as the small boy almost slid over the edge. "Jim, do you like worrying people?"

Jim laughed, glancing over to Selek, before pushing himself off the ground. "You have seen nothing, Old Spock." The mangled car disappeared, and another ghost appeared. Jim watched his past self ride toward the cliff.

"No," Selek whispered, feeling his heart die a little. What Jim was feeling filled his head. It wasn't like this with the previous memory. What was different this time? Were the feelings stronger this time? "No, Jim. Not you." Jim tried to kill himself. Relief filled him, when Jim jumped off the bike.

  
"What did you expect, Old Spock? I lost everything. I lost my faith in myself when I was raped. I lost my lover. I lost my crew. I lost the Enterprise. The Enterprise! I lost my identity with that ship. I had nothing to live for. Correction, I have nothing." Jim walked away from Selek.

  
"You did not have to walk away. You can get it all back," Selek said.

  
"No, I can't. I may be able to get the Enterprise back, and be with him; however, what had happened to me will still be there. The look everyone gave me will still be there. I can't forget how they treated me." He shook his head.

  
"Do not forget it."

Jim raised his eyebrow. "What do you mean, pointy-eared bastard?"

"Our experiences make us stronger."

"Or in my case, weaker." Jim closed his eyes. The surrounding started to blink out and flash to a different memory. In these brief flashes, Jim was tied down and struggling to get away. This injured body was visible. "No, I don't want this!" He tried to block out the memory, but it wouldn't go away.

Selek felt his anger rise. He doubted he would be able to control himself if he ever saw the person, who hurt Jim. He wondered what the younger Spock would do if he knew.

"Jim," he called out, placing a hand on his shoulder. The memory became unimportant as Jim's distress rose. Nothing else mattered. He pulled Jim into his arms, protecting him. "Jim." His hand ran through Jim's hair.

The memory became stronger, revealing everything that had happened to him. "Get out!" Jim yelled, fighting off Selek. "Get out!" Shutting all of his senses, he fell to his knees.

"Jim," he went down to the young man. "Only you can change the memory." Selek's smooth, calm voice had turned rough. He was having a hard time controlling his anger. How dare someone hurt Jim? "You have to fight this. You can do this, Jim."

"No, I can't." He cradled his head into his hands. He didn't want anyone to know what had happened to him.

"The Jim I know can," he said, trying to ignore the cries of help from memory-Jim. The sickening sounds were overwhelming.

Pushing away from Selek, anger rose inside of Jim. "Don't compare me to him!"

 

"Jim, it is only logical to be compared to yourself." Selek was confused

"I'm not him! I'm not the Jim you know!" The painful memory started to flicker.

"I did not mean insult," Selek said. "I meant to encourage you."

"I had enough of you and your Logic!" Jim pushed off the ground. "It's not wanted here! NOW, GET OUT!"

Everything went white as Selek was pushed out of Jim's mind, having never felt so much resistance before. Jim put up a defense that could keep out the most trained Vulcan, and he wasn't going to try to break through it, which would end badly. He wanted to help Jim, but there was nothing else he could do.

Letting go of Jim, Selek stood from the chair, becoming aware that he wasn't the only one in the room. In the corner of the room, stood Frank and Winona, who looked rather upset by something. "Hello," he greeted, keeping an eye on Jim. "Ho-"

"I think it's best if you leave," Winona said in a motherly fashion, eyeing the monitors connected. The sensors were all over the place, signaling how distressed Jim was.  
Selek looked down at Jim, realizing she was right. His presence was stressful to Jim, and that wasn't good at this stage. He didn't want to hurt an already suffering Jim. "Very well," he said. Though he didn't want to leave, he decided leaving was best, having somewhere to be. He had already spent more time than allowed; however, he didn't regret it. Walking to the door, he took one last look at Jim. He said a blessing in Vulcan and exited, leaving a frowning Winona. She didn't approve of the old Vulcan.


	3. Unspoken Truths

**Chapter 3**

**Unspoken Truths**

* * *

 

Could a man truly know himself? Could he really know what he was meant to do? Who he was meant to be? Was life completely random? Or was there a set destiny? Did each experience create a person? Would one change in history change one's destiny? Was he still meant to be something great? There were so many unanswered questions. How could anyone be sure of anything with so many unanswered questions? However, even if these questions were answered, could someone truly know himself?

People went through life unsure of who they were or what they were meant to do. They had no idea of who they were. Living their lives unsure what would happen to them the next day. Their life had no identity or purpose, and they went through life without a sense of accomplishment. People spend their whole life trying to make a difference. Trying to be someone. Looking for greatness. Looking to make a difference. Life without meaning was as painful as getting shot in the heart.

Most people would never find it; however, once someone had, they couldn't let go. They couldn't drink themselves away, even though it felt good in that one moment. Life wasn't for the one moment, but rather, for the many moments in life. What good was the present, if it only lasted for a second? How could someone enjoy life, if they had nothing to look forward to? Life was only exciting, when it was worth something. As it stood, life wasn't worth anything.

* * *

 

Talking a long walk inside of the Enterprise, Selek was able to take it in. It brought back so many memories, which might never happen in this timeline, and now, there was no chance of them happening. Though the timeline was different, the resignation of James T. Kirk had shot it to hell. Without Captain Kirk, the Enterprise wouldn't reach her full potential, which would be tragic. All of those good deeds would never have happened, and that wasn't something he liked to think about. The universe needed the Enterprise.

The old, time-traveling Vulcan wasn't supposed to be on this ship, but his unexpected trip to the hospital made him miss his 'flight.' The ship, he was booked on, was on a tight schedule and couldn't wait for him. Selek wasn't upset at this, considering he wasn't the only person scheduled to be on it. It didn't wait on the passengers, when it wasn't of a vital concern; however, it wouldn't be a problem, if he wasn't on a strict schedule. Starfleet was kind enough to offer its services, based on the reason for why he had missed his 'flight.' They wanted Kirk back.

When Selek came across the observation dock, it was empty. The silence gave him time to think, which was what he needed. There had to be some way to get Jim back. Though his logic was impressive, there was no sure way to bring him back. Selek could to talk to Jim all he wanted, but it would get him nowhere, and he couldn't force Jim back. It would also serve no purpose. Forcing Jim to do anything would only push him in the opposite direction. He was stubborn as a goat.

Maybe, Jim's stubborn drive could be used to bring Jim back. Knowing him, he couldn't do the same old thing day after day, not knowing what was going to happen to him. Jim joined Starfleet in the first place to get out of Iowa, where he had already suffered the known.

Turning around, Selek discovered he wasn't alone, but He was not surprised by who it was. He didn't expect his counterpart to seek him out, knowing Spock didn't consider him helpful, but rather, highly illogical. He was correct: it wasn't him. He was also correct that it wasn't McCoy, who was very worried about Jim. McCoy and he didn't hate each other, but they rarely got along in his timeline, thinking in different ways. At times, the doctor didn't believe he had a heart. In addition, he was also correct that it wasn't any of the other crewmembers, who had turned on Jim. It was in fact the new captain, Captain Pitts.

Selek didn't have one conversation with the man that wasn't a simple greeting. When the Captain came to seek him out, he was surprised, but he wasn't shocked. It would be illogical for a captain not to talk to an ambassador, not that he was on official business. It was a relief in a way; Admiral Pike had told him much about this retiring Captain. "What do I owe this honor, Captain Pitts?"

The man walked into the room, taking in the old Vulcan in. It was the job of a captain to take everything in and make sure that nothing went unnoticed. Life would be lost, if a captain didn't take notice. "I personally haven't met James T. Kirk, but I've heard a great many things about him." Pitts's glance left the old Vulcan.

Selek ignored the fact that his question went unanswered. "Did you come to talk about Jim?" He didn't suspect him to, knowing Pitts had to no relationship with Jim.

"I'm unhappy to hear about his resignation." He faced the window, arms folded behind his back. "It was a sad day."

"Yes, it was." Selek eyed the Captain, wondering what he might want. It was logical to assume that he wasn't going to answer any of his questions, if he were to ask.

Pitts turned and faced him. "I hear you're friends with Mr. Kirk."

"That is correct."

"I also hear that you had contact with Mr. Kirk during your visit to earth."

"I did." Selek's curiosity was growing.

The Captain took a few steps toward the Vulcan. "I assume it wasn't successful."

"May I ask the reason for of this conversation?"

"Simply a conversation, Ambassador Selek."

"About what? Is there a point to this simple conversation?"

"It's always about a point with you Vulcans." Pitts studied Selek. "Sometimes there's no point."

"That is illogical. In every conversation, there is always a point or else there would not be a conversation in the first place." Selek's eyes followed him.

Leaving his position from the window, Pitts made his way toward the door. "I believe you have won this round. I do have a point. I was engaging you about your relationship with Mr. Kirk."

"What is the point in that?" Selek asked, wondering about this man's true purpose. He made no sense, and none of his actions let up to any visible plan.

"I'll keep it to myself."

"Do you assume that you could use me to get Jim back? If that is the case, your logical is faulty. I cannot convince him to come back to Starfleet."

"I have my reasons, Ambassador." There was pause. "I enjoyed this chat, but I have some duties that I must attend to." Pitts waved, before disappearing through the doorway.

It puzzled Selek how Pitts found enjoyment in their conversation, when it left him confused. What did he get out that puzzling chat? He didn't gain any clues of the Captain's desire, and he needed a better understanding of Pitts, who handed him so many questions.

* * *

 

Elsewhere in the ship, McCoy was looking through the crew's medical histories, but he didn't need or want to look into them. He just needed an excuse to look through Jim's medical file, not that it would give him an excuse. The doctor didn't have any reason or right to be looking into Jim's file, considering he was no longer with Starfleet and no longer his responsibility or concern. He could be in a world of trouble, if someone were to find out. After searching through many medical files, he 'came' upon Jim's, but it wasn't any help. The file was opened; however, the later sections were sealed, which surprisingly started the same day as that mission on that neutral planet. The same day that Jim had cheated on Spock. _What the hell? What does that mean?_

Did something happen on the planet? Were the two events related? Was it just a coincidence? He closed his eyes, trying to put the pieces together, but nothing fit. He knew that he was missing something; there had to be something. _If Jim was injured, I would've known._ He was the CMO, and he would've been in charge of Jim, if he were injured. The planet had their own hospitals, and they were well equipped to handle emergencies. Jim would've been in good hands, but in McCoy's mind, there was no one better to handle Jim than himself. Maybe, I'm just over thinking this. There were hundreds of possibilities of what could have happened. _Spock would say I was being illogical._

It didn't matter what he thought, if no one else believed there was a problem. Starfleet obviously didn't think there was a problem. Spock didn't acknowledge the possibility of a problem. The crew well McCoy didn't know what they thought exactly. He knew what Uhura thought, knowing how she personally felt about Spock. She was a love sick puppy for that man. He didn't know what she saw in him. Heck, he didn't know what Jim saw in the guy, but he knew Jim felt strongly for him. However, the point was that no one was out right worried about Jim, if they were worried at all.

Exhaling harshly, he gave up on the medical files and violently pushed the computer away. He didn't like this. He didn't like this at all. He had a bad feeling about this whole situation, and he was worried about Jim, even if he had nothing to go on; however, he trusted his feelings. It didn't matter how illogical Spock may think it was, feelings had meaning. He knew what he was feeling: something wasn't right. Loving what he was doing, Jim wouldn't have left Starfleet for anything. He loved the Enterprise. There was nothing more important in his life than this damn ship. That was why this situation didn't make any sense.

The intercom went off, stealing the doctor away from his worries. It gave his mind something else to think about. As a doctor, he knew worrying wasn't good for one's mental health as well as one's physical health. "McCoy here."

"Doctor McCoy, report to the Bridge."

"Yes, Sir." The intercom cut out, leaving McCoy alone in his thoughts. _Wonder what Captain Pitts wants now._ He didn't know if he disliked the Captain because he replaced Jim or if he was just bitter. He knew that he had no real reason to be on the bridge, but he wandered up at times. It wasn't daily, and he was always in the sickbay, when he was needed. However, Pitts put a stop to it. He didn't see the point of him wandering onto the bridge and had ordered him away, unless he was called. The doctor did see his point, but that didn't mean he had to like it, and trust him, he didn't like it one bit.

The turblift came upon the silent bridge. _Did someone die?_ Well that would be a reason for being called, but that wasn't what brought him here. Taking a few steps, he was able to see the patient, if he could call the ensign that. McCoy could hear her labored breathing from across the bridge. Sweat was present upon her brow, and her body was slow to act. It wasn't more than the common cold, but there wasn't much he could do for her. Besides, the CMO had other things to do.

Exhaling slowly, Pitts followed McCoy's glance and shook his head. "Though she shouldn't be in the bridge in her condition that's not the reason I called you here." He shifted his glance to a Lieutenant, sitting a few chairs down from the girl.

The Lieutenant was sitting quietly, doing his work. From afar, the good doctor couldn't tell that anything was wrong with him. "What's wrong with him?" His eyes ran down the Lieutenant, who was doing everything in his power not to look.

"I need him to be escorted to the sickbay for a full mental checkup," Pitts ordered. His glance rested in space. They were heading to New Vulcan, settled over a year ago, and after dropping off the Vulcan Ambassador, the U.S.S. Enterprise would be investigating a weird message sent from a distant sector.

The Lieutenant jumped from his seat as if he was sitting on a bomb. "I know I made an error. I flinched over an ordered, but it isn't anything to call the Chief Medical Officer about."

Abandoning their work, everyone on the bridge turned, facing the Lieutenant, who only freaked out more with every glance he caught. McCoy could see that his presence wasn't helping, and it didn't help that whole bridge was eyeing him.

"I believe it's time you leave with the McCoy or I'll have to call security," Pitts demanded as he glanced around the bridge, ordering everyone back to work with his eyes.

McCoy held back his glare, knowing it would be unwise to show disrespect to his Captain. Pitts would eat them alive, if anyone disrespected him; he wasn't like Jim. Jim. He wouldn't have done this. He wouldn't be this cruel. However, they had no one to blame but themselves. "C'mon, Lieutenant," he called to the man, who couldn't be any older than twenty-three. To avoid any more trouble, he needed to get the boy out of here. There was no telling what Pitts would do to the Lieutenant.

The boy glanced toward the doctor, before looking around the bridge; his eyes rested on the silent First Officer. If anyone was going to step in, it would be that pointy-eared hobgoblin, but he wouldn't say anything. He may not like what was going on, well that was if he showed enough emotion to like anything, but he wasn't going to show it. It didn't matter what he thought about the situation, it wasn't his place to step in.

"Why? What did I do?" Lieutenant asked, trying to keep his cool.

"You might have to sedate him, Doctor McCoy." Pitts didn't like weakness; you were as strong as your weakest part. At this point, the Lieutenant was their weakest part. As the Captain, he wouldn't stand for that.

McCoy made his way to the boy and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You aren't doing yourself any good. Just come with me, and you'll be back to your post in no time." The boy quieted down, deciding to listen to the doctor, who had his best interest in mind.

Pitts turned his attention to the Leonard, who wasn't ready to what he was going to get. "Doctor McCoy, do you have some knowledge that I don't?"

"I don't see why he wouldn't, if he checks out fine." McCoy knew he should have kept his mouth shut. This man wasn't Jim, who would've welcome advice from him.

"You got away with a lot under Captain Kirk, but that ended with his resignation. You're the ship's doctor, and nothing else. Do not cross that line again and give advice that has no medical bearing," Pitts ordered, harshly.

A vein in McCoy's forehead popped as anger ran through his blood. This Captain, who had no idea how the Enterprise worked, had struck him the doctor down without a second thought. Leonard knew that he was only a doctor, and logically, Pitts was correct; however, that didn't mean he was right. McCoy could bring something to the table. "Yes, Sir," he sneered through his teeth. It didn't matter how he felt, he must keep his mouth shut. He didn't need any more trouble.

The rest of the bridge watched in silence as McCoy grabbed the boy by the arm and pulled him into the lift. Spock's eyes rested on the doctor, knowing him well enough to know that the doctor was boiling. He knew that he had more to say. In that, Spock respected McCoy; he knew his place. However, something sparked inside of the young Vulcan, when Captain Pitts referred to Kirk. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it grew from the loyalty that he still had for Kirk. He was a good Captain, and no one could take that away.

* * *

 

Few Days Later-

The Enterprise was operating at 100%, but that didn't mean everything was running smoothly. The crew was eating themselves alive with worry, as they didn't want to earn the new Captain's rage. That lieutenant was still confined to his quarters, until the Captain felt he was 'ready', which no one was sure, when that would be. McCoy went out of his way to avoid anything that wasn't medical. The only places that the good doctor visited were the sickbay, the mess hall, and his quarters. The whole crew had heard what had transpired on the bridge, and no one wanted to be next. The outburst had sealed many minds about the Captain. He was a strict man, who expected perfection from his crew, and wouldn't settle anything less. In fact, he was almost willing to do anything to get that perfection; however, that didn't make him evil. That just made him appear to be a heartless robot, which many of the crew had started to believe.

Normally, Spock wouldn't see a problem with this command style; however, he saw how the crew was responding. They were too worried about making a mistake that their work was getting sloppy. The Captain had started to notice, and he wasn't all too kind about it, making tiny remarks, which only reminded the crew about their imperfections. As the First Officer of the U.S.S. Enterprise, Spock went to Captain Pitts one night to talk about the growing concerns among the crew, and he would be lying, if he said everything went fine. It didn't go as planned.

_"I expected more from a Vulcan. I heard you're a logical species. Maybe, I was wrong."_ Spock shifted forward in the conversation. _"Let me explain. In order for a ship to survive, it needs to operate flawlessly. Any mistakes can result in the destruction of said ship, and I won't let that happen to the Enterprise. In order to achieve that, I can't let anything slide; I can't let things go with a slap of the wrist."_

Pitts had a very logical argument, and Spock couldn't argue with it. In fact, he agreed with the Captain in many respects, but there were other ways to achieve that total 'perfection,' which was nearly unmanageable if not impossible. Pitts expected the crew to work with him, while Jim worked with the crew to get that 100%. Some people couldn't operate under Pitts's kind of leadership. Each had different methods with different results.

A voice, signaling the end of its move, snapped the Vulcan out of his thoughts. It took Spock a few seconds to realize what was going on as the voice went off again.

"End game," he ordered, losing all interest in playing 3D Chess against the computer. His mind wasn't in the right place, and he didn't find the game challenging anymore. Though computers were logical and 'perfect,' it wasn't putting up a fight so to speak. It had become easy for Spock to beat, and there was no point in playing unless he played another person. A person could learn and become a challenge. Sure, a computer could adapt and be programmed; however, it couldn't learn. That was what he liked about playing against Jim. Jim was unpredictable, which was highly illogical, but he gave Spock a challenge no matter how illogical he was.

Jim. Everything reminded him of that man, and he couldn't take it anymore. He just wanted to rest and have peace of mind, but that wasn't going to happen. For the last month or so, his Vulcan ways had been lost to him; ever since that day, he wasn't himself, and he couldn't understand why. Logically, there would be conflicting emotions when ending any relationship. When he ended his relationship with Nyota, it wasn't like anything he was feeling now. His feelings for Jim ran deeper than his feelings for Nyota, and it would make sense for him to be suffering more this time; however, it was going a bit too far.

Illogical as it may be, he felt like he was missing something. His calculating mind wouldn't let him rest until it found an answer. There had to be an answer, and he was going to find it no matter how long it took. He needed an answer.

The intercom went off in his room, pulling him from his thoughts. "Spock here."

"You're needed on the bridge."

* * *

 

The call to the bridge was a welcome distraction no matter what had happened, when they entered the weird abnormality. After a few hours of nonfunctioning instruments, the Enterprise escaped it. It was a rather simple equation, but Spock found the whole situation fascinating. He wished that he had more time to study it; however, he had multiple reasons for wishing for that. One, he truly had found it to be fascinating and wished to know more. Two, it cleared his mind of everything else. During the whole event, Jim hadn't crossed his mind. The nightmares were at a rest, which he needed. Maybe, he found a solution to his problem, though it wasn't as good as an answer.

After finishing his shift on the bridge and listening to Pitts's lecture, he made his way back to his quarters to study the abnormality. Pressing in his key code into the intercom outside his quarters, the door opened, revealing the room to him. A figure on his bed startled him, but he quickly recovered. Illogical as it was, half of him wanted it be Jim, but he wasn't upset, when it wasn't it. Even though he was curious to why Jim left, he just wanted to forget him.

"What is the reason for this visit?" he asked. He wasn't in the mood for visitors, and he definitely wasn't in the mood to talk to the woman on his bed. He just wanted to be left alone.

Uhura slowly stood as if she was waiting for him to join her on the bed. "I wanted to talk. Is it unbelievable that I want to talk?"

Moving to his desk, he plugged in the information about the abnormality into the computer. "Judging from past acts, yes, it is." He turned his back to her, trying to focus.

"Don't you have to faith in me?" she asked, stepping closer to him.

"I acknowledge your communication abilities." His fingers typed away at the keyboard. His tone was rather plain.

Swallowing hard, she decided to continue. "No, I didn't mean with my communication abilities. I meant do you have faith in me personally?"

"I do not believe this has anything to do with faith. I am merely answering on the basics of prior acts."

"Logical as always." She wanted to reach out and touch him. She wanted to hold him in her arms. It would be foolish to say she didn't want him back.

Turning slightly, he eyed her. "I am Vulcan."

Taking a deep breath, she responded, "Yes, you are. As we all know, logic can be wrong." She wondered herself where she was going with this.

"It is impossible to be always right. Even logic can be wrong at times. Captain Kirk was proof to that." He returned his work.

That name created anger inside of her as she wished she could beat the crap out of him. Though he ended up betraying him, Jim had something with Spock that she would never have. Yes, she was jealous. "True," Uhura answered, refraining from insulting Jim. She didn't want to turn Spock away.

Shifting his glance across the screen, he didn't respond.

Her eyes wondered up his back, stopping at his smooth, pale neck. She had made up her mind, and she wasn't going to change it. Rounding up on him, she placed her head on his strong shoulder and her arms around him. "I'm here for you."

He stiffened in her arms. "I do not need your comfort."

"Everyone needs love and comfort."

"I have no need for these things." He rested his arms tightly against his chest, knowing he wasn't going to get work done with her in the room. He didn't need to read her mind to know what she wanted. "Only humans have need for these things." He stared at the screen.

"But you're half human." She licked her lips, eyeing his delicious neck. "I can help that half." She started to lay kisses to his neck. "Doesn't that feel good?" She could feel him tense up, but she continued as her eyes searched for his.

"Am I interrupting?" A voice called from the door.

Jumping away from Spock, Uhura turned to the door to find Ambassador Selek standing in the doorway. "No," her voice was small. Being one of the few, she knew who the old Vulcan was. "You interrupted nothing." The look in his eyes was very different from the look in the younger Spock's eyes.

"I can see." The older Vulcan's eyes wondered to his younger self, who had yet to move. "I am sorry that I have interrupted this nothing."

"Um, I've got to go. My shift's about to start," she lied, not wanting to be in this room anymore. She hurried passed Selek and out of the room, not wanting to face his judging eyes.

Selek took a few steps into the room, wondering what he had interrupted. "I hope that I did not ruin anything." Though the Vulcan didn't lie, that didn't mean he had to be truthful. He was half-human after all.

"You entered without notice," Spock stated, returning to his work.

"Blame my old age," Selek said, looking around the room. There were no signs that anything had happened between the two, but that didn't mean it didn't. He himself had never liked a messy room, and he had no doubt that his counterpart was the same. He could've cleaned up. "It is a habit. This was my quarters in my timeline, where I did not need to notify. I am sorry. It will not happen again."

Spock glanced back to Selek, whose eyes suggested deep thought. It was hard to tell what either of them was thinking. "Is there a reason for this visit?"

"I was wondering how you are feeling." Selek recalled, remembering their pervious conversation. "Have you thought about what our last conversation?"

"There is nothing to think about," Spock responded, his eyes studied the screen. The weird abnormality was fascinating, but Selek had distracted him. Did he know something that he didn't? "Unless, there is something you know that I do not know?"

Swallowing hard, Selek didn't want to betray Jim's trust by telling Spock, but he couldn't lie to his counterpart. "There is always more to know."

Twisting around in his chair to face his counterpart, Spock locked eyes with Selek, searching for answers. "What do you know that I do not?"

"Spock, there will always be something I know that you do not."

"…I am aware." His quarters was usually warmer than the rest of the Enterprise, but judging by his counterpart's expression, he looked rather uncomfortable in this room. He was aware that older Vulcans had trouble regulating their body temperature, but his temperature seemed off. "But there is something that you want me to know. You keep pushing me to meditate. Why is that?"

His eyes searched deep into Spock, wondering if his counterpart was ready for the information. If only Spock would've listened to him, he would already have known the knowledge, but he wasn't mature enough. Selek wasn't going to deny Spock growth by telling him. He had to find it out on his own, even if he desperately needed to know. Selfishly, Selek wondered if he wanted Spock to know the truth. "You are correct, but you must learn it on your own."

Spock's eyes narrowed, as he remembered their last conversation. "Is it about Kirk? Is there something about him that I do not know?" Replaying the memory of Jim's betrayal, he didn't understand. Was he right?

"Maybe, I should leave you to mediate," Selek suggested. Was he still betraying Jim, even though he wasn't saying what happened? A part of him wondered as he turned to leave.

"I do not appreciate the secrets. What happened to J-Kirk?" Spock retrained himself from moving any closer to the old Vulcan. Jim made Spock do illogical things; even his name could do that to him. He didn't trust himself. _I have to know._

Selek's mind flashed back to Uhura, wrapped around Spock. Maybe, Jim didn't need Spock back, considering his heart would be broken even more. "Good-bye, Spock. The Enterprise arrives at New Vulcan in a few hours, and I must prepare myself," he said, leaving Spock's quarters, before he could protest. The old Vulcan almost smiled. He had gotten Spock interested, and with that interest, Spock would find the answer.

* * *

 

_There has to be something_ , McCoy thought, sitting in his office, located in the Sickbay. Besides the nurses gossiping about something that he didn't care about, he was the only one in the area at the time. He had other things on his mind to worry about. _Jim wouldn't just leave. There has to be something._ A medical file wouldn't be sealed unless there was something to hide. Staring at the monitor, he wondered what he was missing. Getting sick and tired of his lack of progress, he pushed the monitor away as exhaustion started to take over. He had spent hours trying to figure out what had happened to Jim. He had to know what had happened to his best friend, because there was no doubt in his mind that Jim was in trouble. He wouldn't have given up his dream if he wasn't.

_If only_ … Leonard needed someone on his side as he doubted his word alone would do anything. He was the just the doctor after all; what would his word mean? However, who could he get? Scotty? No, he still had that dog thing hanging over his head. Uhura? Definitely, No. She was still very bitter about the whole situation. Sulu or Chekov? No, they each had enough to worry about without getting 'into bed with him.' Besides, none of the listed held enough power to get anything done. The only person, who McCoy could think of, was First Officer Spock. He would've some pull; however, would Spock do it, especially after what had happened?

Corridors were filled with people running to their shifts, as they would be considered late if they were a second behind. Even a second was vital, and that one second could mean life or death. Space, though quiet and empty, could turn deadly, which was what Pitts had instilled into the crew. His punishments were tough and hard, but they served a purpose.

Making his way to Spock's quarters, doubt passed through his mind. Would Spock listen to reason? Putting his Vulcan half aside, Spock, still affected by Jim's betrayal, wouldn't hear anything that involved Jim. McCoy had the feeling that Spock would throw him out of room the second he mentioned Jim. He just hoped that his Vulcan half would give him a second to explain. If Spock let McCoy explain, he would get the pointy ear hobgoblin to join him.

Arriving at the Spock's door, McCoy's heart stopped. He didn't know if he could ask him for help. Never agreeing on anything, they hardly ever got along, and the only time that they did was when Jim was there to break up the fight. Without Jim, Spock and McCoy could barely stand to be in the same room together, and now, he was asking him for help. What was he thinking? The answer, he wasn't. Maybe, Spock wouldn't help. Maybe, he was wasting his time.

Pushing the intercom to signal the resident of his arrival, McCoy entered the room ready to defend his cause, but he saw Spock sitting on the floor in a meditation pose. "I didn't mean to intrude."

"I am finished," Spock answered, sounding irritated.

McCoy wondered if he should just leave. "If I'm bothering you, I can leave." He already felt like his presence was annoying the Vulcan, and he didn't need to make it worse. He still had to work with the man.

"You came for a reason, Doctor," Spock stated, pushing off the floor. His hands went to their standard position behind his back. His eyes searched McCoy's face for any clue to what this was about.

McCoy's mouth twisted as he tried to figure out what to say. How could he phase it to make Spock listen? Was there a way to phase it without pushing him away? "There's something more than what they're telling us. We have to find out what it is."

Spock eyed the doctor, wondering what he was up to. Mutiny? That wouldn't make sense. McCoy was far too loyal for that, and running to the First Officer wasn't the best idea, when trying to commit mutiny. "What are you talking about?"

"There's more to Jim's resignation then what we were told." McCoy paused slightly, waiting for Spock to jump in and stop him, but the First Officer remained silent. "His medical records are sealed. Sealed from the day he came back from that planet. You know the day," he paused. "Something must've happened."

"I know the day," Spock said, holding back every emotion. "However, Kirk's records are sealed for a reason, which means we should leave it alone, McCoy." The inter-workings of his Vulcan mind had started to spin.

"He resigned for health reasons! If that was the case, I would've known what was wrong with him. I'm the Chief Medical Officer! Also, I contacted Starfleet a couple of days after Jim disappeared, asking where in the hell he was, and they replied saying, 'Kirk's fine and as expected.' I don't even know what that means, but I'm assuming that something happened to Jim on that planet, and no one wants it known. Something's wrong. I can feel it in my bones, and don't tell me it's illogical," McCoy sneered. He had to make Spock understand.

Turning his back on the doctor, Spock's mind wondered back to what Selek had said. His counterpart kept telling him that there was something more to that one night. What was he missing? Was Kirk in trouble? Did he need them? Did Jim really betray him?

"Yes, I know assumptions are illogical and have no standing. I know I need facts; however, I'm right. I can't prove it, but there's something I'm telling you." McCoy narrowed his eyes, watching Spock. "Damn it, man, are you listening? Or am I too illogical for you?" His annoyance was growing.

Turning slowly to face McCoy, Spock spoke, "I am listening. There is no need for anger." He watched as McCoy paced the room, which humans did a lot to think. "I agree with you."

McCoy could've been knocked over with a feather. "Really?"

"Selek said there was something more. That I was missing something."

"Which is?"

"He did not tell me. I have to learn it on my own."

"What?"

"Vulcans are into self-learning. Selek wants me to find the answer on my own, which I do not understand," Spock said, feeling uncomfortable. He felt that that conversation was private, but it was vital information, and he filled him in.

Staring at Spock, McCoy spoke, "then what are you waiting for? Meditate. Find the answer. GO!" He waved him off.

"Which was what I was doing," the half Vulcan said, almost snapping at the Doctor. "I do not see what he wants me to see."

"Is there something I can do?" He felt useless. Jim was in trouble, but there was nothing that he could do, and he couldn't do anything unless he proved Jim was in trouble. He knew Jim was in trouble.

"There is nothing you can do," Spock responded, calculating possible strategies. Even if they found out what Selek wanted them to know, it might not be the answer that either of them wanted. Kirk could still have betrayed him and left, because he was too big of a coward to stay.

"Can't we talk to Selek?"

"Selek is no longer on the Enterprise. He left 23.6 minutes ago." McCoy threw his hands up to defeat. "I will try meditation again."

"Okay, then go."

Spock eyed the illogical doctor. "I must do it alone." He didn't necessary need to do it alone, but it was easier to focus. McCoy made it difficult to think with his emotions clouding his judgments.

"Fine, fine. I'll go." McCoy eyed the Vulcan, hoping they weren't wasting their time. They needed to know what had happened to Jim. They didn't know much, but he knew Jim needed them, even if he didn't know it himself, and Leonard wasn't going to let his best friend down. Leaving Spock's quarters, he left with a hope that wasn't there, when he entered. Maybe, it would turn out right.


	4. What a Wonderful Life!

**Chapter 4:**

**What a Wonderful Life!**

* * *

 

Jim had enough, and he was ready to explode. He couldn't take his mother anymore, and he was definitely sick of her hanging over him as if he was going to die at any second. At that this rate, he wished he would, so he wouldn't have to deal with that woman, who wouldn't give him the time of day when he had truly needed it. He remembered when he needed her as a child and she wasn't there. At his sixth birthday party when he was about to blow out his candles, he scanned the crowd looking for his mother, but she was nowhere to be found. Apparently, she had to leave his party on some vital planetary issue. Jim had never found out what that issue was, and he had wondered if he would ever find out, not that he cared. He just wanted to know what was more than important than him. Why couldn't she even say good bye?

There were so many times in his childhood that he wondered that. During his middle school years, he had joined a soccer team, mostly to get out of the house; however, he still had that hope that his mother would be proud of him, considering he was good at it. In fact, he was the star of his team, and all the other parents were proud of him. He wished that his mother felt the same; however, he soon had learned that she did not. After loads of begging (well Jim wouldn't call it begging), she came to one game, but she only stayed for 13.7 minutes. Remembering each second, he knew it was too good to be true. He was right, and Frank wouldn't let him forget it, but he didn't give up until a few years later.

He realized the only way he could get the attention he wanted was to act out, which was what he did for years. One of those times, he had gotten into a major fight with Frank in which the cops were called. While Frank had a few scratches on him, Jim was covered in blood and gashes, but his mother didn't believe that he didn't start it. The cops had believed him and demanded to take him, but apparently, they had been mistaken, and his mother had somehow thrown them off the property without taking Jim. Not even a few seconds later, she ripped into him. Without touching him, she had made him feel worse than Frank had. It was that day that he had given up. It was that day that he realized that he wouldn't count on his non-existent family, which he could never in the first place.

He wasn't tied down, but he could've been. His mother had decided that he needed a babysitter, and no one was better than she was. He was just glad that she didn't bring his good-for-nothing stepfather. He eyed her from his position on the sofa, while she ate her mighty delicious sandwich that he wanted, but he was pretending to be asleep in the hopes that she would leave. He doubted that she would leave, if he was awake. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn't going to sit around and do nothing, and she was right. Jim wasn't the type to do nothing, and as soon as she left, he would be working, trying to fix up the house. The roof was in need of a major repair.

Winona, taking a deep breath, picked herself up, and made her way to the kitchen. He heard the water turn on and the dishes clashed together, making him twitch. His mother wasn't a house wife. She could burn water without even trying, which Jim didn't even know that was possible, but his mother could do the impossible in the kitchen, well besides cooking anything edible. It made him wonder, if he would have any dishes, when she left. He shuttered as he heard a dish break, which was followed by his mother cursing. He was about to jump up and run into the kitchen to stop the killings. His kitchen couldn't last long without his support, but he wouldn't give it with his mother around. That would just bring her destruction upon him, and he would much rather surrender his kitchen than face his mother.

After another string of curses, she emerged from the kitchen, and she looked unharmed but not happy. Jim wondered if there was ever a time that she was happy. He didn't know if she was happy with Frank, but you didn't have to be happy in your life to live it. He knew that he would never be in happy in his new life, and he was going to try to forget that fact by drinking.

"Jimmy, how's my son doing?" she asked, as if she expected him to answer. She walked to the sofa and sat on the arm.

Kirk did everything in his power not to respond. He wanted her to leave and talking to her wouldn't accomplish that. What he wanted was something that would get his blood pumping. He wanted a rush of adventure, which was rare in Iowa, but he would find it. He needed to find it, and he hoped that fixing the roof would give him that. Wow. If he had to stump to home-repair for an adventure, he had reached rock bottom. Maybe, alcohol could give roof fixing that rush he was looking for. He knew drinking while two stories off the ground was a very bad idea, but it would give his life that risk. He needed the idea that he could die at any second. Without that, life wasn't worth anything.

His mother continued talking to him as if he cared about what she was saying. "What have you gotten yourself into? I can see that something's wrong." There was a slight pause. "I'm worried about you."

Wanting to block her out, his mind drifted to the delicious alcohol that he had hidden in his house. He needed to drown himself with it, which would lead to horrible ideas like the fixing the roof while intoxicated, but he didn't care. Consequences meant nothing to him, only caring about the present.

His mother took a deep breath as she rose from her position. "I don't trust that man. You should stay away from him."

Me listen to you? Ha. Like I would listen to you... Wait who? Who are you talking about? Frank? I doubt that. He thought, as he wished that he had paid more attention to the conversation. He was interested now, but he couldn't let on or she would talk even more, which was something he didn't want.

"I have to go, but I'll be back to check on you," she said, fooling around with her sleeves. She laid a kiss to his cheek, which took all his willpower not to stop her, and took off. He waited until he heard her car leave before he got up.

He still wondered who she was talking about, as he collected his alcohol. It didn't take long for him to down it and get his tools. His balanced had started to go as he made his way to the ladder. It was amazing that he was able to position the ladder right and get on the roof. He laid out his tools before taking a sip from a new bottle. It felt bitter sweet as it went down his throat, but it created a warm feeling throughout his body. It made him feel somewhat alive, when everything else failed.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

The hot sun was beating down upon his back as sweat poured down his face. Empty bottles had littered the roof as he finished his last beer not too long ago. He would've gone back into the house for another bottle, if he could've managed it, but his balance was too far gone. He had a hard time standing, and it would be difficult, if not impossible, to make it down the ladder; however, it didn't mean he was any safer on the roof, considering he had nailed his hand with the hammer a great number of times. Four of his fingers were already red, and a couple of his fingers were bleeding, but he did not care. The pain distracted him from the lack of alcohol.

"OW!" Jim yelled as he hammered his already injured hand again. Shaking his hand, he reached for the roof tile with the other hand, but it was just out of reach. He wiggled his fingers, trying to work the tile toward him, which didn't work; instead, the tile went flying in the opposite position. And Jim being drunk had decided to chase after it, which wasn't a bright idea. He couldn't catch the tile as it went the edge, but he also couldn't stop himself before going over the edge as well. He was just glad that he had the strength to hold on, because there was no doubt, he would have some serious injuries from the fall. If he landed wrong, he would break his neck, which didn't seem like a bad idea at the time.

His eyes searched for the ladder, but it was too far away to be helpful. He glanced down, wondering if there was a way that he could land without hurting himself. He calculated what he would need to do to not break his neck. Though he didn't care if he died, he had no interest in dying right then. If he was going to kill himself, he would do his way and not by some consequence of a bad idea, because he was the only one, who was allowed to decide what would happen to him. Besides, James T. Kirk wasn't going to be known for falling off his roof to his death. He didn't care if he was known for driving off a cliff, but he refused to be that idiot, who died by falling off his roof. He was not an idiot, though some could argue that.

Jim took a deep breath as he wondered what he was going to do. He knew there was a bush a few inches right of him, and it would break some of his fall, but he would still get hurt somewhat. He didn't have any other choice, considering that was the only 'soft' surface around. His brain, which had started to work again, had made a list of what he could do to minimize his injuries. His clear mind indicated to him that he would need a few more drinks after this, because Jim didn't want a clear mind. His mind haunted him every second of every day, and it was slowly killing him. He needed a release, but that would involve letting it be known, which he wasn't up to. He didn't want anyone to know what had happened to him. He didn't want anyone to know how weak he was. Damn it, he wasn't weak.

"Oh, my god!"

The scream had ripped Jim from his thoughts; however, he didn't move. He didn't have the strength to look back to see who it was. He knew it wasn't his mother, which was really good thing, but it was familiar; however, he couldn't place it, which was probably due to the blood leaving his head.

It took a few moments for her to calm down, before she was able to speak again. "Where's the ladder?"

Really? Do I have to do everything? He thought. "Over there," he answered, getting annoyed. He didn't need her help. He didn't need anyone's help, and he would prove it. When she got it around the corner, he shifted his weight and let go. He flexed his body as he tried to angle just right. He closed his eyes as he made impact with the bush. It slashed him in multiple places and his body hit the hard ground beneath the bush. His cuts had started to bleed as he pushed himself out of the bush. He straightened himself up and brushed off the dirt. As he tried to keep his balance, his body was crying out in pain.

The woman, breathing shallowly, had come back with the ladder. She was having a difficult time with the huge ladder. "Did you jump?"

"Yes," he answered as he eyed her. His brain had finally done its job and figured out who she was. She was the doctor from before, but he couldn't, for the life of him, remember what her name was. He had only seen her a few times since his brother's wedding. According to his mother, he had been out for a week, which was most of his hospital stay.

"Mr. Kirk! You could've hurt yourself! You only got out of the hospital yesterday!" She let the ladder fall, which made Jim twitch. She circled around him. "I've to take you back now."

He laughed, startling the doctor. "There's no way in hell that I'm going back! You remember the first time I woke up? I escaped, which will happen again, if you drag me back." He narrowed his eyes, wondering about this woman. Why was she here in the first place?

"I remember," she responded, her eyes watching him like a hawk. "You almost killed yourself." The second Kirk had tried to leave the hospital, he had gotten into a fight with some man and almost had gotten run over by a car. He was lucky that his brother was there to pull him out of the way. "Not even twenty-four hours out, you almost kill yourself falling off the roof."

Jim rubbed his temple. "I didn't fall. I jumped; there's a difference," he snapped, having enough of everyone. He didn't need to be watched, and he definitely didn't need a doctor. He was use to the pain. "Why are you here anyways?"

"Your mother had hired me to check on you," she answered, looking almost ashamed.

"Oh, great. A personal doctor, what every man wants," he snorted, looking over the doctor, whose name still escaped him. His eyes wandered to her jacket, wondering if her name was displayed on a nametag, which it was. She was still wearing her hospital scrubs. "Ms. Rae Martin, may I call you Rae?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "If this is some attempt of seducing me-"

His eyebrow rose. "Honey, if I was seducing you, you would know." It almost came out as a growl. It annoyed him that she would even think that he would seduce her. He was in a committed relationship… No, no, he wasn't, and it stung to think about it. Everything about that situation hurt. "Now, what do you want before I kick you off my property?"

Rae took a step back, wondering what she had said. All of the sudden, Jim had turned cold, and she had no idea why. She thought her statement was playful, but maybe she was wrong. Why would anyone get mad over that anyway? According to his mother, he wasn't seeing anyone and was up for grabs, which was something she reminded Rae about on the daily basis. Jim was a handsome man, and any girl would love to bag him. At times, she did find herself wondering what it would feel like to be in his strong arms, but she quickly erased the thought. She didn't need to think of her patient that way. She didn't need to think about how safe she would feel in the arms of the famous, world-saving ex-Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. "I came to check on you," she said as her thoughts of him changed. She didn't feel so safe around him now. What happened to you? She didn't need him to tell her that something had happened to know that something in fact happened; she could figure it out just by looking at him.

"Well, you saw, and now you can go," he responded, turning his back on her. He didn't limp, but it was visible that he was in pain; however, he had no one to blame but himself.

There were only a few things that could explain the change in mood. "Is there a special someone?"

He turned around all too fast and almost lost his balance. His mood had overshadowed the alcohol that was running through his system. "What?" His tone was very harsh. "Why should it matter to my doctor if I'm seeing someone?"

Ignoring his question, she continued on, "Is it that Vulcan, who visited you in the hospital?" Though there was an age difference between the two, she had seen how the Vulcan was with Jim. He was very protective of over him.

"Selek?" Though Jim had 'kicked' him out, he did miss him, but that could be the fact that he was a Spock. He was a comfort to Jim, even when it didn't seem like it. "No, I'm not dating the Ambassador, and why does that matter?"

"Just wondering." She said, not wanting him to know her real reason.

That answer didn't sit well with Jim. "You can leave now. This conversation's over." There was something in her eyes that told him that there was more, which didn't sit well with him. He needed more alcohol.

There wasn't anything that she could say to stay. He was walking and talking; in addition, this was his property, and she couldn't force him to do anything that he didn't want to do. "I just wanted to make sure everything's good with you. As your doctor, I need to assess you."

"Who said you're my doctor? I know I didn't hire you, and if I did, I would fire you. Now, get off my property," he demanded. He didn't know who the hell she thought she was, but he knew that he didn't have to take this shit. He didn't need a personal doctor, and he certainly didn't need a baby sitter. There was no doubt in his mind that this was what his mother had in mind.

Rae took a deep breath, knowing he was in his right to refuse her. If he didn't want to be treated, he didn't have to. "Fine, I'll go." She exhaled slowly, knowing his mother wasn't going to like this. When that woman was mad, it wasn't pretty. It didn't take long for her to jump into her car and drive away, leaving Jim alone.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

The first week, he stayed around the house fixing it up, while drinking, which was a dumb idea, considering one: he didn't know a thing about home-repair and two: he was drunk; however, he needed something to do. He couldn't sleep all the damn time, which was what he did for week two. Waking up from his dreams of wonder, he hated getting up every morning to the same old thing. He needed something else in his life; Jim Kirk was a social butterfly, and he needed human contact that wasn't his crew, Dr. Martin, Frank, or his mother. Maybe, he should go get a job…Ha. That was funny. What could James T. Kirk do? What could he do that would top being the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise? There was nothing better than that ship, so why did he leave? Oh, yea, that sadist bastard who decided that he was going to use Jim as his personal sex toy. Everything was robbed from him that one night, showing him how alone he really was on a ship of four hundred and thirty people. There was not one person on that ship he could've turned too for help, when he truly needed it, even his best friend, Bones, had turned on him. He didn't know what was worse, not having anyone to turn to or the event itself.

Smash!

He had picked up a bottle of alcohol that he had been drinking and threw it at the wall. Why did his thoughts always return to that night? He didn't want to think about it, and he didn't want to think about his ex-friends, so why couldn't he get them out of his head? He had other things to worry about like figuring out what he was going to do with the rest of his life. What could he do in Iowa besides farming? There wasn't anything that came to mind. He took deep breath as he stared at the new stain on the wall. What had he signed himself up for? Shaking his head, he went into the kitchen to get something to clean up the alcohol.

Once that was cleaned up, he headed to his cheap motorcycle, which he had to buy after destroying the good one about a week ago. Being a dumbass, he thought it would be a good idea to drive after drinking. He was scratched up, but it wasn't anything hospital worthy, even if his pissed ass mother thought it was. His 'personal doctor,' who his mother had tried to hook him up with, checked him out. He wondered why the doctor would associate herself with his mother, but he guessed she was paid well. Everyone had a price, including him, but he wasn't sure how high his price was.

The engine came alive, as he turned the key over. The roaring of the engine was one of the few things that relaxed Jim, the first being alcohol. He was on his way to becoming an alcoholic, if he wasn't already, but he didn't care. It just meant he was doing something right. It was better than trying to kill oneself on a daily basis, right? That was how he looked at it. His helmet remained tied to the back of his bike as he took off down the road. Wind flew through his hair; his faced was battered by dirt and pebbles. It made him feel alive, but what made him truly come alive was seeing his mother's face as she drove pass him, going to his house. It was priceless.

The small town didn't have much, but it was littered with bars, which was what Jim liked. If one bartender kicked you out, you had another bar to go to, which happened to Jim a lot, but it wasn't his fault. People just liked starting fights with him. Could you blame them? He was James T. Kirk, the famous (ex) Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Did it bug Jim that he would never be rid of that title? Yes, it did. He wanted to forget everything about Starfleet; however, he would be lying if he said it wasn't useful. It was especially useful for getting free drinks, which was a good thing, considering he did not have a job.

After filling out multiple applications, he had an urge to kill someone. One, he hated forms, and two, people wouldn't stop asking him questions. Yes, he knew questions were a part of the process, but they were asking him about Starfleet. They didn't need to know why he had left, and he was getting sick and tired of people asking. It wouldn't affect his performance on the job. Plus, he couldn't see himself doing any of these jobs for the rest of his life; he saw himself as a captain, but that didn't matter now.

After getting a quick bite, he filled out even more applications to jobs that he didn't want. When he finished, he hopped on his bike, but before he could start it, a man called out to him. Jim narrowed his eyes as the man ran to him. He looked like a pimp as he was dressed in a dark purple suit and heavy chains, which stroke Jim as being weird. No native would dress like that. "May I help you?"

"I'm Jordan Sunn, owner of the Temple Night Bar," the man responded as if it answered all of Jim's questions. He was shorter than Jim was by at least a foot, and he was twice the age of Jim. "I saw you filling out applications."

"Yea, so." Jim straightened up on his bike, wondering where this was going.

"I'm in need of a bartender, and you're prefect for the job. Being easy on the eyes, all the ladies and males will come just to flirt with you. I even bet you'll get some of the picky customers," Sunn grinned.

Jim did his best to keep back his snort. Though it wasn't his first choice, it was a pretty good choice. He had no interest in being the center of attention for everyone's sexual desires, which wouldn't help what he was feeling now, but the tips would be good. Going against his very core, Jim decided against his gut. "I'll take it."

Sunn clapped his hands together. "Excellent. Also, you'll make great security. I'd heard about your Starfleet days."

He had to bite down on his lips to stop himself from moaning. Was there a place in this universe where no one had heard of him? He just wanted to escape. "Yea, no one will want to mess with me." He flexed his muscles.

"That's what I'm hoping for!" The man smiled. "When can you start?" Jim was everything that his man was looking for. His smile was the best part.

"Anytime."

"Tomorrow?"

"That works." Sunn said his good byes before returning to his bar. Jim watched the man leave while a knot formed in his stomach. Something told him that this was a very bad idea, but he ignored it. He was going to show himself that he would handle this, even if it was a mistake.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Jim had enough of this job, and the next person, who touched his ass, was going to be punched in his or her face. This was only his fourth day on the job, and he wanted to kill someone. Every time he left the safety of the bar, there was someone glued to his ass. At times, he had been poked in the ass by a few men, which freaked him out, as it reminded him of it. However, it wasn't just man. As he wiped off one of the table, a woman draped over him. Her hands slid down his chest while she whispered into his ear, "I haven't seen you here before." Her voice screamed sex.

Breaking out from her grip, he took a few steps away from her. "I started a few days ago," he said, eyeing her. She wasn't human, but she still had the same basic shape. If she was human, she would've been sick, considering she was half the size of a human girl. Her body was long, just like her fingers that ached to touch him.

Reaching out to him, she grabbed onto Jim. With her super strength, he wasn't able to fight her. "Sunn made a wise choice this time," she said, taking a drink of her alien wine.

He gripped her arm, applying pressure in the hopes of moving her. "Indeed," he sneered. He was okay with flirting with people, but he wasn't okay with people touching him. By touching him, they were taking away the little control he had. "Can you let go? I have costumers," he said, eyeing the bar as it was starting to fill up with people. He wasn't the only one working at the time, but he had no idea where his co-worker was. She was probably making out with some man in the corner, which was how they first met.

Placing a kiss on his cheek, the alien let him go much to his relief. "Sure, but I'm not going anywhere." She licked her lips.

He shuddered. He had enough of the customers trying to stalk him, having caught a few, who had tried to follow him home. Thanks to his Starfleet training, he was able to get rid of them, but he couldn't really blame them. He knew when he was drunk, he did crazy things like driving. He took off before she had a chance to change her mind.

After filling everyone's orders, he left the safety of the bar again to search for his co-worker. The strange female humanoid seemed to have disappeared; however, it didn't take long for him to find her. She had her tongue down a girl's throat. It was nauseating. He couldn't stand watching people making out with each other, but it was hard to look away. Shaking his head, he forced himself to turn away as he had to look for his co-worker. Pushing through the crowd, he had finally found her, but she wasn't making out with anyone as he expected. Instead, she was fighting with some man.

"What's going on here?" he asked as he arrived. His co-worker was crying.

"This doesn't concern you, bartender," the man growled, pushing Jim away, and returning his attention to the girl, who looked like she was going to faint.

Kirk let himself drifted backward as he took in the situation. The man was at least double his size, and there was no doubt that he could kill Jim just by sitting on him; however, he could've said the same thing about Cupcake. He didn't back down in that situation and he wasn't going to back down now. "I need you to leave."

The man turned away from the girl and faced Jim. "What did you say?" he asked, towering over Jim by two feet.

"What? Can't hear, Moron? I said, 'I need you to leave.'" When it came to fighting, it didn't matter what kind of weapons you had, if you didn't have a mind to use them. This man screamed no brain.

Laughing, the moron poked Jim in his shoulder as if to show him how strong he was. "Leave now, before I change my mind," he ordered, turning back to the girl.

Pulling the man back with one arm, Jim swung the other arm, nailing him on the right cheek. Jim was never one to listen when someone told him to walk away, and he definitely wasn't the one to turn away from a scuffle. It didn't matter if there was five against one, he would still fight. He wasn't a coward, even if everyone thought he was.

The moron swaggered backward, not expecting Jim to punch him. "I'm going to kill you," he threatened, wiping the blood from his mouth.

The bar had gotten rather quiet at the sight of the bartender fighting with a customer if they could call him that, considering he hadn't brought anything. The drunken half of the bar was very interested in watching the fight, while the other half wanted to stay as far as way from the fight as humanly possible, which they did by leaving; however, no one in the bar mattered at that given point to Jim.

"Oh, I doubt an idiot like you is smart enough to know how to kill someone," Kirk teased, causing the man to throw a pouch at him. Jim was too fast for the moron and dodged, but the moron didn't give up. The punches kept coming, but none of them landed. Jim ducked and nailed the man, whose name was still a mystery, in the stomach, causing him to buckle. Jim took the opportunity to swing his leg forward directly into the moron's face, forcing him to his knees; however, he wasn't the only one. Apparently, the moron had a friend, who had come up behind Jim and nailed him in the back. He didn't have time to defend himself as the friend kicked him in the side. Doubling over in pain, blood dipped from Jim's mouth. He found himself being picked off the ground by the moron, who had the time to recover; however, Jim wasn't going to let himself be defeated by these two idiots. He swung his leg forward, kicking the moron in his side, causing the dimwitted giant to drop him, but before Jim could catch his breath, the friend punched him, sending him into the nearest table and breaking it.

His fingers had searched the ground looking for some kind of weapon, which came in the form of a beer bottle. When the friend grabbed him by the throat, Jim smashed the bottle right in his face, causing the friend to drop him and reach for his face, oozing in blood. The moron rushed Jim, tackling him to the bar, and started to punch him in the face. The punches didn't stop, and Jim wondered if he was going to be scarred. He could feel his face lose its appearance. All of the sudden, Jim could breathe as the moron was flung off him. He didn't know what was going on, considering his vision was fuzzy. He could only make out shapes and colors and couldn't make out who had stepped in to help him, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

When he picked himself off the bar, he started to see black spots, but he was able to make out what was happening. His co-worker was still hiding in the corner. Most, if not all, of the customers had left, considering they weren't being served anymore. Two men in familiar-looking red uniforms were kicking out the moron and the friend. Jim slid off the bar and took in the whole place, which looked like a bomb had gone off. The floor was littered with wood fragments from the tables and chairs. Broken glass was plastered to the ground, and the walls and floor were painted with various kinds of drinks. The collective blood of Jim, the moron, and friend was spattered across the bar. In all, Sunn wouldn't be too happy when he came in the next day.

In addition, Kirk didn't look pretty as his face was covered in welts and bumps. He was slowly gaining a black eye, which had started to hurt. His black uniform was all slashed up, and glass was buried in his skin. Standing on his legs felt like he was standing on jelly. "Thanks for the help," he mumbled to his saviors. The two men, after kicking the two troublemakers out, spun to face Jim. It was then that he realized who they were. How could I have missed it? It annoyed him that he was saved by two babies (he refused to call them men), who hadn't even graduated from the Academy yet. It was a wound to his ego.

"That's what Starfleet does," one of the man commented. He had grin on his face that screamed arrogance.

Jim knew that smile personally, having used it many times, but it hadn't been his friend lately. "I guess," he responded, wiping the blood off his face.

"You guess?" the other one asked. "Don't you know that Starfleet is a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada?"

Jim felt his stomach turn. Pike had used the same line on him, trying to get him to enlist. What did Starfleet do? Engrave it into their cadets' minds? It was clear that they were both going to be red shirts as part of the security department. "As the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, no Starfleet personnel may interfere with the healthy development of alien life and culture. Such interference includes the introduction of superior knowledge, strength or technology to a world whose society is incapable of handling such advantages wisely. Starfleet personnel may not violate this Prime Directive, even to save their lives and/or their ship, unless they are acting to right an earlier violation or an accidental contamination of said culture," Jim spouted. He wasn't going to be shown up by these babies.

The second one eyed the bartender with curiosity. "That was word for word."

Spitting out blood, Kirk folded his arms across his chest. He had always been knowledgeable about Starfleet from a young age, which was probably due to the fact it pissed off his mother.

The first one studied Jim closely, trying to figure out who he was. "Without Starfleet, you wouldn't be here right now. This planet would be gone," he said, annoyed that the bartender was belittling this fine organization.

Leaning against the bar, Jim's eyes wandered to Jess, his female co-worker, who was cleaning up the glass. The four of them were the only ones in the bar at that moment. "Don't you mean if it wasn't for James T. Kirk and crew of the Enterprise?" He didn't wish for them to know who he was, because he being a bartender could get back to certain people, but he wasn't going to let Starfleet get all the credit.

"You can say that."

"I do say that." Jim exhaled slowly, getting annoyed. He just wanted to drink then go to bed. Shifting his weight, he knew he was going to be in pain the next day.

The second one was about to open his mouth as Jess, who had given up cleaning, came running to Jim. "Jim, I don't know what we're going to do. This place's a mess. Sunn's going to kill us."

Jim snorted, hoping Sunn would try. That man couldn't lay a hand on Jim, but she had a point. They were probably going to be fired, but he would rather enjoy that. He couldn't deal with this job anymore, but he didn't mind the fighting. It gave him some excitement in his dreary, dull, mind-numbing life; however, he didn't sign up for the consistent molestation. "I would like to see him try."

"Jim?" the second one muttered.

"Yea, it's my name," Jim narrowed his eyes. He didn't like these people whose names were still a mystery.

"Short for James?"

His eyebrow rose. "Yes," Jim answered, hoping this wasn't going where he thought this was going.

The first one picked his head up, eyeing the bartender closely. "Why didn't I see it before? I have seen your face so many times. You're the talk of the academy." He hesitated as if trying to add a dramatic pause. "I never thought I would meet James T. Kirk, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise in a low life bar like this."

Jim wanted to knock him out, hearing the patronizing tone in his voice. "Ex-Captain. Didn't you hear, I retired," he sneered. His fists were itching to pound him.

"What? At 26?" the first one laughed.

Am I some practical joke now? If only I was still a Captain. Jim straightened himself up, ready to throw these two losers out on their asses. If it was possible, he felt more of idiot for letting these two save him. "After saving the earth, there wasn't much left to do in Starfleet."

"I heard you couldn't handle the pressure, which is fine. Some people can't handle it." It seemed the first one was asking to be hit. "It's a good thing you got out now."

In an instance, Jim had him by the throat struggling for air against the bar. "I can handle it just fine. I'm not weak," he sneered. It would be so easy to snap his neck right here. He didn't have the strength to keep fighting. He didn't care what happened anymore.

The second one attempted to free his friend, but Jim shoved him away. Trying to get free from Jim's grasp, the first one clawed at Jim's hand, but it was no use. Breathing had become difficult, and everything had started to go dark. "Just look at you now."

Blinking, Jim let go of the cadet and stared at his hands. He would have ended the boy's life with a flick of his wrist, but Jim wasn't a killer. No matter how angry he was, he wasn't going to resort to killing to show his point. "You two leave now, and don't come back, whatever your names are."

The second turned to the first one, making sure he was okay. "Cadet Ryan and Cadet Smith," he said as if it mattered. Jim wasn't asking for their names, but Ryan felt that Jim still was owed some kind of respect.

"I don't care. Just go!" Jim ordered. The two cadets didn't waste any more time and hurried out of the bar and away from Jim, who in Smith's mind needed professional help. He didn't even wait five seconds after the cadets left to toss the keys to Jess to close up. "I'm leaving."

"But Sunn doesn't like it, when I lock up."

Jim looked back to Jess, who looked bewildered. "Trust me, you don't want me here like this." He needed to calm himself down before he did something stupid.

"Okay," she said.

He glanced at her, feeling guilty leaving her, but he wasn't feeling guilty enough to stay. In addition, he didn't feel like playing the good guy, which was what he'd done for the last year. He didn't want to worry about anyone or anything anymore. He wanted to be free. "See you tomorrow, well if we still have a job," he said before leaving the poor girl alone in a broken bar.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

It was too early in the morning to deal with Sunn, and he was completely out of alcohol, which only made the call worse. In addition, Jim's head was pounding, which was due to the alcohol he had consumed when he came home. On the plus side, if Jim could call it that, Sunn didn't fire him, considering the profit had been so good the last four nights that repairing the bar didn't set him back too far.

Damn it. If there was a God, he was cruel, because he didn't have any painkillers, well that was if he didn't count the ones that had expired ten years ago. They were tempting, but he could hear McCoy's voice in the back of his head, telling him not to even think about it. He groaned. Even when the doctor wasn't around, he was. If he ever saw Bones again, he would slug him.

Letting gravity overtake him, he landed on the ratty sofa. His eyelids felt like they weighed a ton as they threatened to close, but he welcomed the sleep. His body needed time to recover, and he had the time, thanks to having a night job; however, he wasn't able to rest his eyes for a second, as a knock came at the door. Maybe, if I ignore it, it will go to away, he thought, situating a pillow over his face, but it did not block out the excessive knocking. Get the picture! I'm not answering.

The person knocking didn't get the message and kept knocking, making his headache worse. "Jim, open the door! I know you're in there!" His mother's voice sounded like Satan himself. He groaned, wondering how Frank dealt with her. "James Tiberius Kirk, you open this door right now!" She started to pound on the door.

"Oh, shit, she pulled out the full name. I'm in trouble!" he mocked, getting up. It was useless to ignore her, because she wouldn't stop, knowing he was there. Groaning loudly, he pushed his battered form off the shabby sofa and staggered to the door. Against his better judgment, he opened the door, revealing both his mother and, to his displeasure, Dr. Martin. "What do I own this pleasure?" he grunted.

"Jimmy, what happened to your face?" Winona asked, reaching for his face.

Jim smacked her hand way and returned to his spot on the sofa. "Bar fight," he muttered, resting back on the sofa, and placing his arm over his eyes. "What do you want?" he hissed as he felt the doctor's presence next to him.

"Let me see," she ordered.

"Go away."

"It hurts, doesn't it?" She asked, not expecting an answer. His right side of his face was swollen, and his left side was bruised and scratched up. He was also sporting a black right eye. It was wonder that he could see at all out of it. Lowering his arm, he eyeballed the smarty-pants doctor. "I can give you something if you let me look at you."

"Fine, Doc. Just don-" Before he could finished, she hypoed him twice. "HEY!" He would rather have dealt with the pain than be poked in the neck with a hypo. This was why he hated doctors, but he had to give them credit, considering he would be dead without them. Besides, his face had started to deflate, and the pain had disappeared. "Thanks," he muttered softly, hoping she wouldn't hear, but he had no such luck.

"No problem," she beamed, collecting herself off the ground.

Jim watched her walk to his mother's side and talk to her in a whisper. What's going on? He was only able to make out a few words here and there: off Planet, the Federation, his name, the doctor's name, and an event. What did it all mean? He knew it wasn't good with the word Federation floating around, and when he placed the word event next to it, it was worse. Narrowing his eyes, he didn't like it either that his name was said in the same breath as the word, Federation. "You know I dislike not being a part of conversations that concerns me in my own house. Now, spill," he ordered.

Rae looked at Winona as if she had all the answers, which didn't sit well with Jim. He detested the idea of his mother holding all of the cards. "I've been invited to an event that the Federation's throwing," she answered.

Lies. He didn't know how she was lying, but he knew she was. In his training to become a Starfleet officer, he was taught to pick up lies, and he was quite competent at it as he was an expert. Now, why is she lying? Before he could bust her, he had to find out what she was up to. "What does that have to do with me? I heard my name."

"Well, I was going to go with Frank,-" Jim couldn't help but snort there. Frank at a Federation event? What!? Were they hoping for conflict, because Frank was only good for conflict? Winona glared at him, before she finished her sentence, "but he can't come. Something came up, and he can't leave, so I was hoping you would accompany me."

Jim was hysterical, laughing so hard. Him at a Federation event? He hated going to those things even when he was a Starfleet Officer, so it was more difficult to believe than Frank being at one. He would rather be hypoed twenty more times than attend one of those things; plus, if the Federation was throwing this 'party,' it must be fairly important. Most likely, there would be some very important officials there, and there was no doubt that Starfleet would be there, considering it was a part of the Federation. If the above were true, the Enterprise would be there, based on the fact that it had saved the Earth, which was where headquarters was located. There was a high chance that he would run into his crew, and in particular, Spock. He had no interest in seeing any of those judging eyes again. Besides, if he saw Spock, he was sure he would slug him. He had so much unexploited resentment toward him and Bones. Could you blame him?

After he had stopped laughing, he responded, "Hell, no."

Winona pushed Dr. Martin aside and marched her way toward her self-indulgent, unmanageable son. "When I said hoping, I meant you are." She got right into Jim's face to show him how serious she was.

"Listen, Mother," he said, glaring directly into her eyes, "There's no way in hell that I'm going to any event that's funded or sponsored by the Federation." He was also very serious.

"You don't have a choice, because Dr. Martin's coming with us, and if she has to hypo you a hundred times to get your ass there, she will." Winona was a very obstreperous person, when she wanted something.

"Hey, don't bring me into this," Rae protested as she backed up. She didn't want to be anywhere around these two, when they blew. Both Kirks glanced back at her before returning to each other.

"Besides, why don't you want to come? What happened, Jimmy?" she asked. Being a mother no matter how indecent she was, she knew something was up, but she didn't know what.

"Nothing happened! I just don't want to go," he asserted. He hated it when anyone called him Jimmy, but he really hated it when she called him Jimmy. She would always make him feel like an ill-advised child.

Winona took a few steps back. "Jimmy, I think it would be good for you." She looked back to Dr. Martin for help, but she gave none. "Besides, you don't want to stay in Iowa and do nothing."

Jim stood up and walked past his mother to the window. She was right, but he didn't want her to know that. "I'm not doing nothing. I have a job, and I'm fixing up the house. That's not nothing."

Exhaling, his mother spoke slowly, "Bartending isn't a job; it's a joke, and this isn't a house. It needs to be knocked down."

Lately, he had been easy to anger, which was showing true now. How dare she insult what he was doing? Sure, his job wasn't accomplishing any on the level of being a Starfleet Captain, but he was doing something. He was standing on his two feet, which was rather amazing, considering he left his dream. "I didn't ask for your opinion." His body was stiff as anger surged through him.

They always had an unconventional relationship, but this was a bit too much. Silence had filled the air, and no one wanted to pierce it. Winona didn't want to believe there was a problem between them, and she was perfectly fine with pretending that it was fine. "I'm picking you up in two weeks for the spaceport. You have no say," she said, heading to the door. She grab on to Rae. "Two weeks, James." She disappeared out the door without another word.

Jim picked up the nearest object and hurled it at the wall, shattering it, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to do what his mother wanted. He would show her that she didn't have any control over him. He shook his head, which felt a whole lot better, and went upstairs to get ready for work. He was going to have a long day ahead of him. Though it was unwise of him since he was still recovering from the previous night's fight, he was kind of hoping for another fight, because he just wanted to forget. He wanted to forget everything. If only he could ease his memories and start anew. That was an idea. If only he could. Maybe, he could ask Selek about it.


	5. Logic of Life

**Chapter 5:**

**Logic of Life**

* * *

 

When there were four hundred and thirty Officers, not people, on board, it was impossible to know everyone. Being the ship's doctor, he had met a great number of them, but he didn't remember their names. He hated to think like it, but they were numbers on any ship like the Enterprise. When one of those numbers was killed, they were replaced. There was no moaning about the loss and there was no hesitation. What had to be done must be done. As a doctor, McCoy hated this. As a doctor, he was supposed to help and cure them, so that they wouldn't die. However, his job seemed like the opposite lately. It was like he was sending people to their deaths, but then again, he shouldn't be feeling this way, considering that he, too, was a number. If he were to die, they would replace him in a heartbeat. It was all about the numbers. McCoy took a deep breath, looking over four security officers who had perished on the planet they were orbiting now. They did their jobs, making sure that Captain Pitts and Commander Spock came back alive, but they lost their lives in the process.

Checking the ship's computer, McCoy let out a sigh of relief as the Enterprise left the planet's orbit. It was quickly dismissed, however, when Spock—his own green blood speckled on his face- carried in another body. "The mission has been completed, but the Enterprise has encountered another loss." Spock lowered a blue shirt onto the bed and turned to leave.

"Where do you think you're going?" McCoy asked, stepping in front of him.

"I am needed on the bridge."

McCoy exhaled. "No, you aren't. I've to check you out." He turned his back on the Vulcan, searching for a specific hypo for Spock.

"I am fine, Doctor. I ensure you that I am capable enough to return to duty," Spock stated, folding his arms back. He was a Vulcan after all. His body worked at a different standard than humans.

"Humor me," Bones said, feeling annoyed. Spock was always like this, and at times, he was worse than Jim was when confronted about their medical needs. That was saying a lot.

"Humor you, Doctor? I did not realize that this was a joking matter."

McCoy felt his eye twitch. Though Spock claimed that Vulcans didn't banter, he sure did. "Spock, as the Chief Medical Officer, I can make you. Now, sit down." He rather enjoyed that power some times, as he loved the non-existent expression on Spock's face. If only he could use it on Captain Pitts. He would love to see his face.

"As you wish doctor," Spock replied, sitting down.

It didn't take long for McCoy's medical scanner to appear. "Have anything you want to speak about?" His eyes drifted to his scanner, but there wasn't anything majorly wrong with Spock, besides a wound, which McCoy could fix.

Shifting as McCoy pulled away, Spock answered, "No." His tone hadn't changed, and it was on the edge of being snappy. His trouble meditating had affected his mood, but there wasn't anything that the doctor could do to help that.

Exhaling slowly, McCoy stepped to the computer and imported the information. "I'm prescribing medical rest. Do with it what you like, but you're off duty for the day. I'll inform Captain Pitts."

"That will not be necessary. I am fine, Dr. McCoy."

The Doctor snorted. He had started to see how Spock and Jim got along so well, but it still annoyed him that Jim had messed it up. Jim… Don't think about him. He shook his head as if it would ease what he was thinking. "And I thought Vulcans didn't lie." He hoped that the missing information would prove him wrong about Jim.

"We do not lie." Spock stood up, wiping the blood off his forehead. Being a Vulcan, he was stubborn and wouldn't admit that there was a problem. "I am fine."

Leonard wished that there were some way that he would get his patients to stop arguing. At times, he wondered if he was a babysitter instead of a doctor. "I'm the doctor here, and only I can say if someone's fine!" He eyed the green blood on Spock's hand, wondering what the hell had happened down there. What could've killed five men and injured Spock?

"Quite true, Doctor. I shall head to my quarters."

McCoy almost laughed. He had gotten Spock to do something; he won, finally. He liked the feeling. "Oh, Spock before you go," he said, stepping towards the Vulcan. Before Spock could answer, he stabbed him with a hypo.

If he was Jim, he would have flipped out and yelled at him, but Spock just eyed the doctor and raised his eyebrow. "What was the reason for that?"

He shrugged as if that was an answer, but Spock's stare told him he wanted more. "Precaution," he said, throwing the hypo away. "Pardon the expression, but you're only human."

"There is no need for insults." Spock rested his arms behind his back. "If there is nothing else, I will be leaving."

McCoy shook his head, wondering about that pointy-eared hobgoblin. Only he, a half human, would consider it an insult to be called human. What was so wrong with being human? "You can leave." He waved him off. "Just remember to rest, Spock." If he didn't know any better, he would have said that Spock muttered something back. Shaking his head, he went back to the five dead bodies in his sick bay.

"We're all numbers, aren't we?" he asked himself when he was alone. It made him feel unimportant in this universe, where it was all about the numbers. He didn't want it all to be about the numbers; sometimes numbers weren't all that important. It was about the person like Jim. Pitts may have replaced Jim as the Captain, but not all numbers were the same. Pitts couldn't replace Jim no matter how hard he tried, and it was clear he knew it.

* * *

 

He wished he knew where they were heading, but he wasn't provided with that kind of information. He was just the doctor, after all, and didn't need to know where they were going to do his job. It was getting rather annoying rather fast. He was sure if he were to ask, someone would tell him, but that wasn't the point. The point was that he should be given the information. He wasn't given anything that wasn't medical, and it annoyed the hell out of him. With Jim, information was freely given, but with Pitts, he had to jump through blazing hoops while saturated in lighter fluid. It was better to be left in the dark than to ask his Captain. Oh, how he missed Jim.

The trail was cold so the only thing he could do was wait for Spock to see whatever Selek wanted him to see, but for weeks now, McCoy had waited. However, Spock had come up empty, and without that, they couldn't do anything. They couldn't understand why Jim left. Without that knowledge, they would have to face a life without Jim, which surprisingly they both didn't want. They knew Jim was the best thing for this ship, even if Jim did what he did; however, they would never know. But would anything change if all had not been what it seemed? Jim had already resigned. Could he come back from that? Could he return to the Enterprise? How could he? They already had a captain. Sure, Jim was the golden boy of the Federation, but that didn't mean he could kick someone out of the Captain seat.

Sure, the food wasn't as good as homemade food, but it was usually a lot better than this. He knew one's mood affected one's desires for food; but he wasn't expecting this. It was downright disgusting. What was wrong with him? He shook his head. He should know what was wrong, considering he was the CMO; nevertheless, he blamed Jim because it was always Jim's fault. He wasn't one to start a fight, but he wished he could slug that thoughtless bastard. Did he ever think of anyone else? If he did, he wouldn't have left; well, he wouldn't have cheated either. Besides, even if they knew what that old bastard hobgoblin knew, it didn't mean that he hadn't cheated. What did it mean, though?

"Dr. McCoy, is there something wrong?" Sulu asked, taking a seat across from him. "You haven't touched your plate. Is it poisoned?" He joked, taking a bite as he waited for him to answer.

Poking the food, he exhaled. "If only." His response only made Sulu stare at him. "What I mean is at least I would know why I can't eat." McCoy had decided that he wasn't going to bring Sulu into the Jim situation. He didn't need to worry about Jim when McCoy knew firsthand how it felt.

"Oh, that's a relief." It was the Doctor's turn to stare. "What I mean," Sulu laughed, "is that I would be dead if it was poisoned, considering I took a bite." He took another bite of the food, which he found to be decent. McCoy laughed. "So what's wrong?"

"Just thinking about something. It's unimportant," McCoy said, catching sight of Sulu's face. "So I would assume you know where we're going." Well, he would hope that Sulu knew where they were going. He was the pilot.

Taking another bite, the helmsman laughed. "You assume right." He wiped off the food off his face. "We're heading to New Vulcan."

"Weren't we there about a month ago? Why are we going back?"

"Acting like a transporter service. We're picking up some delegates, mainly Ambassador Selek and Ambassador Sarek, but there'll be a few others," he informed him.

"For what?" McCoy asked, feeling insignificant. Why wasn't he being made aware of this?

"Where have you been for the last week? Under a rock? Pitts has been going off about it. Rather annoying, if you ask me." He took another bite.

McCoy had been avoiding the Captain, only seeing him when he had to. Besides, he wasn't allowed on the damn bridge to hear Pitts, which was fine by him, considering Pitts was a son of a bitch. "Did you forget I'm not allowed on the bridge?" It came out worse than what McCoy intended. No, he wasn't bitter.

There were times when Sulu was afraid of McCoy, and when McCoy was like this, he was afraid. Very afraid. He never wanted to get on McCoy's bad side, and if he did, he would hypo himself into a coma to escape his wrath.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

"It's fine," Sulu muttered. "It's for that fancy party the Federation's throwing. Anyone who's anyone will be there. I'm surprised you haven't heard about it. The Enterprise has to go, which mainly means Spock, Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, you, me and, of course, Captain Pitts."

McCoy felt his eye twitch, hating these kinds of events. He loathed the whole idea of being paraded around for the Federation. "And I didn't know, why?" he asked, knowing Sulu wouldn't have an answer. "And why us?"

"And why not? We're the reason that Earth's still there." Sulu liked the spotlight, but he would have to agree with McCoy. He hated being paraded around.

"That wouldn't explain Captain Pitts." What was with McCoy and sounding snappy? He wasn't bitter, damn it.

Sulu took another bite. "He's the Captain of the famous Enterprise, even though he isn't the famous Captain Kirk."

No, McCoy wasn't bitter, and he would hypo the person who dared call him bitter. "And of course, he would shower in the Enterprise's glory."

The look in the Doctor's face said it all. Sulu understood why McCoy was bitter, feeling the same way, but he needed to move on or else he would suffer for the rest of his life. "You act like they're treating him as their new golden boy," Sulu commented. "They aren't."

"How do you know?" Besides the fact, that Pitts is far from being a boy. That old goat.

"They wouldn't have invited Jim if that was the case. There's serious doubt that he'll show, considering there's some unknown blood between them." McCoy's eyebrow rose. "Jim's holding a grudge against them for something. I don't know what." He paused to take a bite. "But the Federation has kept it quiet for the most part that Jim had resigned. They didn't want people to know that they had lost their golden boy."

"How do you know all this?" Sulu caught his interest, well he already had, but that was beside the point.

"I know a few people."

"Why are they trying to keep it quiet?" Why would Jim have a grudge against the Federation? What did they do?

Sulu snorted. "Why wouldn't they? Losing Jim was a blow. They needed him. Correction, they need him. Losing him will hurt them. Can you imagine what everyone will think when it comes out? Jim had boosted their image, which had driven a lot of support. They need that support. And he was a mighty good captain."

"They must know it will come out. Jim isn't one to lay low," McCoy commented, pushing away his food. There was no way he could eat now. Sulu had given him a lot to think about.

"Maybe. They probably presume no one will find out and pretend for the universe's sake that James T. Kirk's still the Captain."

"But wouldn't they need a Captain who would lay back and let Jim take the credit for his work?" McCoy asked, knowing there was no way that Pitts would let anyone take credit for his work. "And it's a lot to presume that Jim would go along with this as well." Jim was not noble, cheating a few times at the academy, but he wasn't dishonest. He would not take credit for something he didn't do.

"It's just speculation. Besides, they might believe that Jim's going to come running back to Starfleet in a few months with his tail between his legs, and they would tell everyone, if anyone asks, that he was on a well-deserved shore leave." Sulu took a few more bite, before finishing his meal. "You never know. Doesn't Pitts seem a bit old to be a Captain of a starship? He looks minutes away from death."

McCoy had to give it to Sulu. "Never thought of it like that." If this is the case, then Jim's resignation was his own choice…but the Jim I know wouldn't do that. What does this all mean?He shook his head. The trail was still cold, and he could only pray that Jim would show up, which made his heart skip thinking about it. What if he did show up? Stop it, McCoy. Don't get your hopes up.

"Anyways, McCoy, I've got to get to bridge," Sulu said, getting up.

"Yeah, yeah, go." McCoy had a lot to think about. Should he tell Spock about this? Sure, Spock had agreed with him up to now, but that could change. He was on the edge of going crazy. If he wasn't careful, he might have to list himself as medically unstable. McCoy was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Sulu staring at him as he left.

* * *

 

Maybe, he had gone crazy, as he stood outside of Spock's quarters waiting for him to return from duty. It had been a few days since his conversation with Sulu, and he hadn't gotten it out of his mind. He needed to know what Spock thought. Shaking his head, he told himself to calm down. Maybe, Sulu was right. Maybe, he should let it go. It had been over a month since Jim had resigned, and during that time, he had plagued McCoy's thoughts. He needed to let him go, but he couldn't. Jim was his friend, and it did not matter what he did, because he still cared for him. He was angry with himself for how he treated Jim, and there would always be a part of him that blamed himself for Jim's resignation. He knew that no one could make Jim do anything, but if he was there for Jim, when he needed him, Jim could still be here. He was Jim's first real friend, and there was no doubt that it was painful to have a friend turn on him.

And why did he care that Jim cheated? It wasn't as if they were dating. It wasn't as if it affected him, and it wasn't as if he liked Spock, because he would never like that heartless pointy-eared bastard. So why was he so cold to Jim? Leaning against the wall, the question filled his mind. It was the only thing that he could think about. Why was he so cold? He didn't have an answer. Shaking his head, he felt ashamed. How could he turn on his best friend? That was worse than what Jim had done.

"Dr. McCoy, what is the reason behind this intrusion?" Spock stared at the doctor, who had blocked his way into his quarters. The doctor did in fact look like he was going crazy, which was the result of not sleeping.

Breaking away from his thoughts, McCoy glared at Spock. "Intrusion?" Insulted didn't describe what he was feeling. He thought that they had come to an understanding. He knew that he and Spock were two different people, but he thought that they had teamed together to figure out what had happened to Jim. "Intrusion?"

"Yes, Doctor, that is what this infringement of privacy is called." He folded his arms across his chest. Though he could push past McCoy, he didn't feel like starting a fight with him, which would have happened if he did.

"Why I oughta!"

"I did not mean insult. It was merely the truth," Spock commented, raising his eyebrow.

"Only you could insult someone and not believe you had insulted someone," he snapped, throwing his arms up in the air. "It may be the truth, but don't you know some people find the truth to be insulting?"

McCoy was one of most combustible people that Spock knew, and that was saying a lot. He often wondered how Kirk and McCoy got along so well. They were both very stubborn and refused to admit when they were wrong. It was rare for similar people to get along. "That would be Illogical, Doctor."

"This universe may run on logic, but people do not. Humans, for one example, are very illogical, but you should know this, considering you dated one, no, two." McCoy moved away from the door, signaling for Spock to take this conversation inside. "I would expect you to be used to the illogical side of people."

"I recognize that humans are illogical, but I do not part take in it," Spock said, walking into his quarters.

"Don't forget you're half- human." This time, McCoy meant it as an insult.

Narrowing his eyes, Spock spoke, "If you are just going to insult me, you can leave."

"What, Spock? It's the truth, and it's illogical to be insulted by the truth," he mocked. "I thought you couldn't be illogical." McCoy had nearly forgotten why he was here in the first place.

If Spock was anyone else, he would've snapped at McCoy, but Vulcans didn't snap. That would involve an illogical emotional response. "You never answered my question. What is the purpose of your visit?" he asked, rerouting the conversation. He didn't want to talk logic with a person who had no concept of it.

Breaking away from his thought process, it didn't take long for McCoy to tell Spock about his and Sulu's conversation. "What do you think?"

"It does not change much, if anything at all," Spock explained. They knew Jim left for a reason, which was unknown to them, and that conversation didn't place any light on the situation. Jim had still left.

"What do you mean? It changes things. Jim can come back! The thing Selek wants you to know must be what had happened to Jim to make him hate Starfleet."

McCoy's argument had meat to it, but they were still too far from the truth. "What is your point? We do not know what that may be, if there is anything at all. Kirk could be irritated at Starfleet for anything." When it came to Jim, anything was possible. Jim was known for making trouble.

"Spock, listen to me."

"I am, Doctor, but you need to listen to me. We cannot do anything without facts, and granted your conversation with Sulu was informative, we are not any closer to the information."

McCoy had to give it to Spock for being logical, but he was so sick of logic. He knew that his gut was right, and he would show everyone that he was right. "Fine," he muttered, turning to the door. "But we would be closer in knowing the answer that Selek wants you to find." McCoy didn't wait for a response as he left the room. He had too much on his mind to say, and he knew that they would end up in a fight if he stayed.

By leaving, McCoy missed what Spock had said. "You are accurate in that respect. If I was only wise enough to receive Selek's message, I would be closer to understanding what was wrong with Jim." He blamed himself for his failure. Somewhere in his mind, he knew that he had failed Jim because there was no doubt that something was wrong with him. There was no way Jim, cheater or not, would leave everything he ever cared about behind. Jim loved the Enterprise more than anything, and sometimes he wondered if he loved it more than him, not that it mattered.

* * *

 

"I presume you have been to one of these events before," Captain Pitts said, looking over systems checks. It wasn't as if he hadn't been to a gala/receptions like these, but he had to make sure that his selected senior officers knew how to handle themselves. Very important officials would be attending. He needed them at their best.

Spock rested his arms against his chest. "I assure you that everyone understands what is expected of them." It wasn't their first Federation affair, and it wouldn't be their last, especially when they were from the famous U.S.S. Enterprise. His mind, which was hard to focus lately, had drifted to Jim, who hated these things. Even if McCoy hoped that Jim would show up, Spock knew he would not, considering Jim would much rather be sprinting away from Romulans with lasers than attend any social occasion. He would never understand why anyone would favor being injured than attend one of these events. It was highly illogical.

"Good. The Federation doesn't need any problems, being so close to accruing another member. With this new ally, new resources will emerge," Pitts said, but he did not explain what those resources were. "The Federation's pulling out all the stops, and that includes the best of Starfleet." He pushed the P.A.D.D. away and leaned back in his chair.

"I recognize the importance," Spock said. They wanted to show the universe what they had.

"Did you know Mister Kirk was invited?"

"I have been made aware of it." Spock wondered where Pitts was going with this. What was the point in bringing up Jim, a man who he had no connection with anymore?

"Kirk's presence could mean a great deal. He might shift the balance in our favor." He straightened in his chair and started to type away at the computer.

"Possibly," Spock said, taking the P.A.D.D. from the table. He took one glance over it. "However, it would be illogical to discuss something that will not happen, and it would be a waste of one's time. As a Vulcan, I do not partake in the art of wasting time, and I recommend that we do not." It came out more as a lecture than Spock intended, which had been happening a lot. He really needed to meditate, but no matter what he did, he could not clear his mind. Even if he were to lock himself in his quarters, he would not be able to. He did not know what was wrong with him, but he knew this could not last for much longer.

Pitts's eyebrow rose, not expecting that from the Vulcan. He had noticed a change in Spock over time, and he had seen him "snap" at the crew a few times. Vulcans didn't snap in the same way humans did, but it could be described as deathly. With their tone, they could express so much that yelling could not. Pitts didn't know what he did to receive it from Spock; however, he didn't care for it, but there wasn't much he could do considering he didn't snap. He could not reprimand a Vulcan for being a Vulcan. "It may be illogical to talk about it," Pitts muttered harshly, "but I know more about the situation than what I'm letting on."

It was Spock's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I would ask what that knowledge is, but it would be reasonable to assume that if I am meant to know it, I would be informed. However, I do pose the question as to why you are telling me this. What is your point, Captain?"

Pitts stood from his chair, but his eyes rested on the monitor. "I should've guessed you would say that. Pardon for me for using your word; however, it was illogical to assume you would say anything else. You Vulcans are all the same."

Spock watched this man with curiosity, wondering who this man really was. "Logic is what Vulcans live by."

"Yes, they do," Pitts paused, looking over his first Officer. "You remind me of Ambassador Selek." Selek and Spock had the same aura about them. During his conversations with them, he found himself in the same illogical spot, but that was usual, considering they were Vulcan and he was not.

He was slightly taken back by Pitt's statement. It was logical to be compared to oneself, but Spock wasn't expecting it. It wasn't as if Selek and he were the exactly same—they weren't—which was what Spock prided himself on. There were some major differences between them, which could be caused from age. "That would be sensible, considering our relation to each other." There was no use in denying it, considering they shared appearances. It would be better for him to have Pitts believe that they were family than for him to know the truth; however, that would involve a lie. Vulcans didn't lie.

"A family member, interesting," Pitts commented.

Spock was thoroughly confused. How was it interesting that he and Selek were related? "Is there anything else, Captain?" he asked, feeling this conversation lacked a point. He could be wasting time.

Exhaling, Pitts looked up at Spock as a frown appeared on his face. "Yes and no," he answered, causing Spock to raise an eyebrow again. "I would like to speak about a personal matter with you, Mister Spock."

Spock shifted, as he was rather uncomfortable with that idea. Vulcans were a private species, and they rarely spoke about private matters with anyone when it was not important. "What is this matter that you wish to speak of?"

Walking to Spock's side, their shoulders were almost touching as they faced opposite directions. "I wish to speak to you about James T. Kirk," he said, before passing the Vulcan. It was one of those times that he wished he had a window.

"I believe we have already spoken about Kirk," Spock responded with his back toward Pitts. How was Kirk a personal subject? Well, that was if he knew about their relationship, but they kept it quiet. There were some doubts that it would go over well with headquarters-not that they cared; however, Kirk didn't want the bureaucracy in their relationship, so no one outside the Enterprise knew, besides Selek and Sarek. There was some hint that Pike knew, but they were not sure.

"This isn't whether he's coming or not. I'm wondering about his last month as the Captain." Pitts ran his fingers through his beard. "Was he acting differently? How was his behavior? How was he treated?" He wondered what really had driven him away from the Enterprise.

"I am afraid that I do not understand what you are asking. Why would that be important?" Kirk had a reason for leaving, and Spock had believed it had to do with the cheating. Was there something else, as Selek and McCoy wanted him to believe?

Pitts found it incredible that Kirk hadn't told anyone what had happened to him. He was under the impression that he was close with his crew, particularly First Officer Spock and Doctor McCoy, but they didn't have the slightest clue. He wondered what had gone through their minds during the last month of Kirk's captaincy. They must have noticed Kirk's strange behavior, considering they were his friends. He knew Kirk didn't take the whole ordeal well, according to Admiral Pike. "I feel that it's a bit odd that no one noticed." He knew Kirk did not tell them, but they had to know something was wrong, right? They all seemed so unaware that anything was wrong. How could they not have noticed it? They should have noticed, considering they were trained to notice things.

"I am afraid that I did not notice anything atypical. What was I supposed to have perceived?" Spock asking as his interest peaked.

If he had to judge by what he was hearing, there was nothing in Starfleet that would draw Kirk back. Pitts was hoping that something that would bring Kirk back, but it seemed that he wasn't close to anyone. What was going on? Was the crew of the Enterprise heartless? Did they not care? Pitts turned back and scrutinized Spock, before speaking, "It's pointless to enlighten you."

The tone of Pitts's words told Spock a lot more than his words themselves. It was quite clear that Pitts didn't think highly of the crew, him included. It wasn't that Spock cared whether Pitts liked the crew or not (because he didn't), but he wished he knew why. What had they done to anger the Captain? He knew of nothing that he or the crew could have done to anger him so much. And why would he care about Kirk's behavior in his final days aboard the Enterprise? It wasn't like it mattered now, considering he was gone and the likelihood of seeing him again was about 1.233%. "Have I performed negatively in your presence to reserve such treatment?" He knew that he himself was acting a bit out of the ordinary, and at times, he had become snappy.

Pitts turned away from Spock and headed to his desk. Spock's performance had been nothing but satisfactory, and he had performed highly compared to the others, but that wasn't what this was about. It was about the Kirk situation and how not one of his crew had noticed that something had happened. He knew it didn't hold any bearing in running a ship, but it did affect Kirk. They should've noticed that their Captain was acting abnormally, which if they did, it could've kept him as the Captain of the Enterprise. "This has nothing to do with your performance, Mister Spock," Pitts muttered.

"I must have failed your expectations if I am to judge by your tone," Spock explained. Humans were easily readable, and Spock had always been able to tell when they were lying. Their tones and expressions didn't match their words, which was the case here. He knew he had been short with the Captain, but he didn't know what he did to merit his anger. Humans were emotional creatures no matter how much they try not to be.

Spock was right, but he didn't understand why. Maybe he couldn't understand why, considering this situation wasn't black and white. He wasn't sure if a Vulcan could understand anything in the grey zone. "You have performed proficiently."

His eyebrow rose as he thought the situation over. He had performed well, but at the same time, Pitts had implied that he had not. "Captain, your tone and words are conflicting with each other. A clarification is needed."

Pitts exhaled, wondering if he had overstepped. He most likely had. "Don't worry about it. In fact, just forget I even said anything. It's unimportant."

If Spock wasn't a Vulcan, he would have snorted. "Humans often use that phase to hide the fact that there is something important. Only 6.334%-"

"Commander, I don't need to know the percentage."

"I was merely enlightening you," Spock said as anger rushed through his body. "I felt like I needed to clarify the meaning behind that sentence."

Narrowing his eyes, Pitts had started to wonder how Kirk dealt with his Vulcan crewmember. He himself had the urge to hit him. "Just drop it."

"It is impossible to 'drop' a conversation as it has no physical form." It wasn't as if he didn't know what Pitts meant, because he did. Jim had used the phrase many times, but it also had the same underlining meaning of "it's unimportant." Though he had 'dropped it' with Jim, it was with hesitation.

"This conversation's over, so get back to work. That's an order."

Spock had no choice but to listen to his captain, but he took something away from the conversation. He now knew that something had in fact happened to Jim and it involved Starfleet. He had to find out what it was, and he had to know if it was related to what Selek wanted him to know. Maybe, he should go meditate. He had mediated on it before, but he had never been more interested. Maybe he could come up with something this time. If not, he would make Selek, who was due to arrive in 17.252 earth hours, tell him. He had to know.

* * *

 

Candles were lit and the room lights were dimmed; music played softy in the background. The aura of the room was calming and relaxing. His uniform was replaced with robes that Vulcans often use in meditation; however, that was a few hours ago. The candles were almost out, and the music had started over for the sixth time. His robes were ruffled, and the aura of the room had changed. It was no longer calming, but rather exasperating, and it was becoming harder to focus. It was difficult to begin with, but it had been getting increasingly grueling. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to control himself. He blamed the memory for this issue; however, the more he thought about it the more he wondered if it had to do with Kirk's departure. They weren't bonded, but Kirk relaxed him. Though thinking clearly was almost impossible with the blond around, Spock didn't have to worry about anything, well, besides Kirk and his illogical ideas that somehow worked.

He forced himself to take deep breaths as he returned to his pose on the floor. Having no other way to find the truth, he closed his eyes and forced himself into meditation. His chest expanded slowly as fresh (or rather recycled) air filled his lungs. Closing off to all distraction, he drove deeper into his mind. All his life experiences flew past his mind's eye as he searched for the right one, which didn't take long to find. He watched it a few times, but he still didn't see anything. It only heightened his already tense mood; however, he did not give up. He had to know what it was that Selek knew, but what could it be? What was so special? What was in that memory? If it had to do with the room, he wouldn't need to study that specific one, so it was logical to assume it had to do with Jim.

He replayed the memory as if he was replaying a scene of a movie. The setup of the room appeared, and a ghost form of Spock appeared at the desk. Everything looked the way it did that day. The bed was unmade like the way Jim had left it and his dirty uniform from the day before was thrown in the corner. Old-fashion paper books lay open on the desk, which the ghost Spock eyed curiously, while a P.A.D.D. was a few inches below. The present Spock, which could've been called the ghost considering he wasn't a part of the memory, stood beside the bed.

Spock took a long look around the room as he steadied himself for Jim's arrival, while his past self started to read the old-fashion books collected on the desk. It wouldn't be long before Jim entered the memory, which Spock still found illogical. The Jim he knew was sneaky and meticulous, and if he really had cheated, he wouldn't have come back the way he did. Jim would've tried to hide the fact that he had sex with someone else, but he didn't even attempt to hide it—which wouldn't have helped anyway, as Spock was a Vulcan. It was hard to get anything past a Vulcan; however, Jim might not have wanted to hide it, but that didn't compute with him. If Jim wanted to end the relationship, he would have ended it. Kirk wasn't the type to be in a relationship that he didn't want. Sure, he was a player and often used girls and a few men, but Spock would've known if that was the case here. He had never sense anything accept love from Jim, so it didn't make sense that Jim would use or cheat on him.

The door opened in the memory, causing both the ghost Spock and present day Spock to turn to the door, as a ghost Jim walked into the room. It didn't take long for the ghost Spock to freeze at the sight of him. Jim's eyes widened in shock, and Spock froze the memory. This would be the time, where the 'fog' would be the lightest, considering he was becoming less logical each passing second. At the thought of Jim cheating on him, Spock had left logical at the door and his senses couldn't be trusted. He would need to chip away at the fog to see what he was missing, which was something he had a difficult time of doing.

He met a wall each time he meditated. He never saw anything, and his anger grew at each second. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to keep it up without being consumed by his anger. It was shameful for a Vulcan to be this emotional, and he didn't know what he would do if this continued. He needed to find out the answer for himself.

Spock rounded on the frozen ghost Jim and wondered what he was supposed to see. The Jim in front of him was in perfect condition; there wasn't a single mark on him. He even had a smile on his face; however, he would smell an odor coming off Jim. The smell alone could make Spock lose control and he often pondered why he hadn't lost control like the time on the bridge. He knew he had been close.

This scent had pushed him out of meditation many times, as it broke every wall around his emotions. He mustn't allow himself to lose control, because he needed to know the truth. Exhaling slowly, Spock tried to block out the smell. He was a Vulcan, they weren't controlled by their emotions, and he refused to be on account of his human half. He would find the truth just to serve his own ego, which could be a better reason. If he wasn't going to do it for himself, he wasn't going to do it at all. He had to do it for himself, if anything was going to happen. Spock slowed down his breathing as he tried to control what he was feeling. It took a few minutes in his mind, but it could've been hours. He stood in front of Jim for what seemed like hours until he gave up, because he couldn't get past the smell, a revolting stench of another on his Jim.

He opened his eyes, revealing the room to him. The candles had finally died, unlike the music as it restarted for the nth time. It only served to enrage him. He stood up from his spot on the floor and shut the music off, which he did by slamming his fist down upon it and thereby breaking the music player. "Why can I not get this?" He had tried everything to see it, but he couldn't get past it. He couldn't admit that he was wrong. How could his calculating mind be wrong? He had been trained from a young age that logic was unswerving.

"You are looking at it incorrectly, Spock."

Spock turned around to come face to face with Ambassador Selek. "Selek, why are you here? I thought we were picking you up at New Vulcan." He never expected to see his future self in his quarters now. He had planned to meet him in the transporter room, if not on New Vulcan.

Selek took a long look around the room, before he turned to him. Raising an eyebrow, he responded, "The Enterprise had already visited New Vulcan and gathered the delegates 2.321 hours ago. I wondered why you had not sought me out, either to ask me about the knowledge you attained or to ask me about the knowledge you seek, but you were deep in meditation, I see."

"It lasted longer than I expected." Time meant nothing.

"There is no need to ask how it turned out." It was clear his meditation was fruitless.

Spock turned to him. "No, it did not. Why do you not tell me instead of insisting I learn it on my own?" He made his way to his computer and stared at the monitor.

Selek had multiple reasons for wanting Spock to find out on his own, and one just happened to be Jim. "Growth, Spock," he said, "Growth."

He almost snorted, because Selek to be out of his mind. He hadn't learned anything, and in fact, it was impairing him. "I have not attained anything from my meditation, so why not enlighten me?"

"It cannot be told," Selek said. He knew Spock hadn't been pleased with the idea of meditating on that memory, but he also knew that Spock had tried, which wasn't a word that Vulcans used often. With a lack of a better metaphor, his younger counterpart was at the end of his rope, and he was close to giving up, which was also something that Vulcans did not do. "It has to be shown."

Eyes stared at each other for a few seconds as Spock tried to understand what was going on. Was Selek really going to tell him what had happened to Jim? He had wanted Spock to learn this secret on his own, and he had started to wonder. If he didn't know any better, he would think that Selek was tricking him, but he was going to take that chance. He had to know what this all was about, and he needed to know as soon as possible.


	6. Hang them All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope the wait was worth it! This is my longer chapter so far!
> 
> There are a few Irish influences in here. The Temple Night Bar's name have been influenced by the Temple Bar in Dublin. Bulmers is a drink in Ireland, and it is sold in America under a different name, Magners, but i have decided to use Bulmers instead, because that was the name it was first served under.l.
> 
> I do hope you enjoy it!
> 
> And there one section of this chapter that I do not like, but I had no idea how to rework it.

**Chapter 6:**

**Hang them All**

* * *

 

"Dammit!" Jim yelled as he hammered his finger once again. It should be noted that Jim wasn't the best at being handy, so it was probably a good thing that he was a bartender. He knew more about drinks than most people, including most bartenders, who should know about alcohol. "OUCH!"

Pulling back his finger, there was nothing holding up the wood, and it fell on his foot. Now, that wouldn't be a problem, if there weren't a nail sticking out of it and if it hadn't pierced his foot. On the plus side, it wasn't a long enough nail nor did it have enough momentum to go all the way through his foot, but it still went in 3 quarters of an inch. Without thinking, he yanked the nail out of his foot, which resulted in him biting down on his lip. Placing half of his weight against the part of the fence that wasn't broken, he pulled himself into a standing position as the blood filled his shoe. "Mother F-" he bit down again on his already bleeding lip.

He wasn't buzzed, and he certainly wasn't drunk, when he drove his bike into the fence. He had only a couple of beers, but considering he wasn't a lightweight, they didn't affect him or so he told himself. If that were the truth, he wouldn't have driven his bike into the wooden fence that lined his driveway. The good thing was that he wasn't going fast enough to damage his bike; however, that couldn't be said about the old shabby fence, which fell like dominoes in a row. Five yards needed to be repaired, which Jim wasn't too happy. He still had to fix the roof, which should've been completed already, but his inexperience hindered him. It took twice as long to fix anything, and it only served to irate him more. He had other things to worry about like trying to get out of that Federation receptions. A simple 'no' wouldn't work with his mother, having already tried that on several occasions. She wouldn't take no for an answer; nevertheless, he would still try it.

There was nothing that interested the retired starship Captain. He was sick of this house and everything that it stood for. He hated it. He downright hated it, and if he didn't have his ego, he would be gone. He wasn't going to show Starfleet or his stepfather that they were right. They weren't. "How do I get myself into these things?" he asked himself. He wasn't talking about the accident, but rather how did he get himself in this spot. Why was he always the screw up? Everything he ever did blew up in his face, and he was left with nothing, but he should've been used to it, considering it was all he ever knew. He came into the world with nothing, and fate made sure he continued life with nothing.

He limped back to his house, using the wobbly fence for support. It could barely support his weight. He groaned at the thought of having to replace the whole fence; having not finished the roof, he didn't need another large task. The fence stopped a few feet from the house, and he was left to hop the rest of the way as his foot couldn't support his entire weight. "This is nothing." As a trained Starfleet officer, he could handle the pain, and during his time as Captain, he had been injured many times. This injury didn't compare.

Jim dragged himself into his porch and into the house. Limping his way to the kitchen for the first aid kit, he returned to the living room shortly. The living room was littered with clothes, and papers were spread across the room. Plates laid on several surfaces across the space. The room was a complete mess, but Jim just didn't care. He had other things on his mind to worry about. He hadn't had the time to clean his house, with his job and the outside to worry about. It could also be that he didn't feel like it. He was a man after all.

Sucking on his bloody lip, he pulled off the left shoe and sock to reveal his bloody foot. Wiping off the blood with a wet nip, he examined the hole in his foot. He knew he should call Doctor Martin, but he was a grown man and didn't need a damn doctor to look over this tiny wound. The bleeding had slowed, and he could take care of it himself, having taken care of other injuries. While reaching for the alcohol to disinfect it, he felt himself curse. He hated the very idea of wasting alcohol, but he had no one to blame but himself. It strung as he poured the alcohol onto his foot. He reached for the kit and pulled out a large Band-Aid and some disinfectant cream. He carefully applied the cream and wrapped his foot. Scooping up the first aid kit, he placed it on an end table, too lazy to walk back to the kitchen.

Picking up his bloody shoe, he headed to his room to freshen up for work. He had a long day ahead of him, and he had only a few days before they headed off into space, which meant he only has a few days to think of a way to get out of it, in case a simple no continued to fail. He was 26-year-old man, and if he didn't want to go, he didn't have to. But his mother was stubborn. She would do everything in her power, not that she had much, to make Jim go. He wasn't sure what she had planned, but he knew it couldn't be good. If he had to guess, he would guess that she would drug him and drag him on that ship, and after he was in space, he couldn't escape. In addition to his mother's craziness, he also had to deal with that Doctor (who his mother was paying). There were many things that woman could poke him with; he couldn't even imagine what she could do to subdue him. He hated doctors. If doctors didn't save lives, he would suggest they hang them all.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

It was a slow day at the bar, and Jess hoped it would speed up. She needed the money, and she would do almost anything for it, short of selling her soul, but she wondered if she would do that. In a way, she already had.

During the time that Jim Kirk had worked at the Temple Night Bar, he hadn't talked much about his life. There was a word here or there, and once or twice upon hurting himself while doing something stupid, she had heard Kirk curse 'Bones' as if he or she were a real person. She didn't understand this, but she didn't need to understand. As long as his cursing didn't drive away customers, it was none of her business. She didn't need to know him to work with him, even if she wanted to. She had asked him about his life and he had always dodged the questions as if they were too painful to answer. She didn't know what had happened to him, but she knew he had a story tell. She might not be the one, who was meant to hear it. Nevertheless, it needed to be told.

Just by hearing Kirk's mother's screech, Jess could tell that she wasn't someone he could turn to. Her very presence could make the temperature drop ten degrees in any room. So when Mrs. Kirk stepped in the bar a few hours ago, Jess wanted to run away screaming. That woman made her sound stupid, not saying she was a genius to begin with, and she wouldn't let her say no. Mrs. Kirk wanted to see Mr. Sunn, and she wanted to see him right away. Whatever Mrs. Kirk wanted from the owner wasn't good if Sunn's mood was to judge.

Restraining himself from kicking her out the door, he escorted her to the door with a huge, fake smile. "That woman," he hissed, unable to finish his sentence. "Who the hell does she think she is?" In his anger, he kicked over a nearby chair, which sent him hopping around in pain.

Jess stared at her boss as he hopped around the whole bar, looking like an idiot. "What does she want," she asked, when she mastered up the courage.

Sunn stopped and rotated to face Jess. "What doesn't she want?" He twitched. He hated dealing with people, which was why he usually stayed in his office and away from the insanity. It was a few minutes later, when Jess turned to wipe off some of the tables, that he answered her. "She demanded that I give him time off. It's like she think she can order me around," he started, going off into a rant. "I said no to her request, saying if Kirk wants time off he should ask me himself, but she goes on saying that he would never ask for time off, and it didn't matter who asked." He paced to release his anger. That woman had gotten under his skin. "I then asked her what if Kirk doesn't want time off, because he doesn't seem like a guy who needs his mother to ask for time off! You know what his mother said?"

It was best for Jess just to go along, because there was no stopping Sunn; however, it was a good thing that no one else could see this rant. The bar had emptied, when Mrs. Kirk and Sunn entered his office to talk; that woman could clear a bar fast. "No, what did she say?"

His whole body shook. "That it doesn't matter what he says. It's like it doesn't matter what he wants." There was a long pause as he tried to regain himself. "I'm going back to my office. Don't bother me." He left her alone without another word. Jess shook her head at the day's event. That woman was indeed crazy, and she wondered how Kirk dealt with his mother. Just five minutes alone with the woman made her want to jump out a window. She would hate to be related to that woman; however, she didn't have time to ponder that as people started to arrive. It still looked empty, though it could be worse. At least she would have tips.

Wiping off the counter, two new arrivals caught her eye as they sat down a few tables away. She had seen one of them before, but she couldn't remember where. She stared long and hard at the woman as she walked to the bar to order drinks, leaving her friend alone at the table. There was something awkward about the girl at the table. "What can I get you," Jess asked.

"Can I have a Classic Bulmers and a Slusho Mix?"

"Coming up," Jess smiled, pulling out two glasses.

"Do you know when Jim Kirk is coming into work?" the familiar woman asked as she was served the Bulmers. She glanced toward her table to where her friend was sitting.

"He should be in later today, why do you ask?" Jess was curious as to why her colleague was so important today.

"Just want him to meet someone," the woman said as Jess served her the Slusho Mix. "Alright, thanks." She paid Jess and headed back to her table with the drinks.

Shaking head, Jess turned to another customer, but she still wondered about that woman. Even though the town was small, it was impossible to know everyone. Still being a bartender, she knew many faces and always had the feeling of familiarity. She probably served that woman before. Exhaling, Jess put the feeling behind her and focused on her job. If she let these feelings get to her, she would go crazy. However, she kept an eye on the pair because Kirk was a friend, even if he didn't consider her a friend. They remained at their table for an half and an hour as they waited for Kirk to show.

Jess still eyed them curiously, wondering when he was going to show. He should be in any moment; Kirk was only late a few times, which Jess found impressive. She didn't know why, but Kirk hated to be late. He would do anything to be on time, and she meant anything. He would always factor in traffic, even if there were hardly any traffic in this small town and would be 15 minutes early to his shift. On the rare occasion that he was late, there was a sour expression on his face, and Jess knew better not to ask.

When Kirk appeared, his face was distorted, but it wasn't his stay-away-or-I'll-kill-you face. He was stressed, which was something that Jess understood quite well. "Kirk," Jess waved him over. She let out a soft cry as he hobbled his way over to the bar. What did you do? She wondered, remembering him to be a risk taker. Her eyes left him for a brief second as they wondered over to the pair, which had yet to notice him. It gave Jess time to brief him about the day's events, knowing he would like to know them. Plus it would be safe to warn him about Sunn's rant about Mrs. Kirk.

"What, Jess," he said, using her first name. He had no interest in her gossip.

"First, your mother was in today to talk to Sunn," she paused, knowing he would interject.

His face sported an expression that Jess couldn't explain; it was a mixture between anger and shock. Kirk stayed that way for a few seconds. "She what," he asked louder than expected, but his voice didn't carry. "What in the hell did she want?" His tone was frightening, and it could send chills down anyone's spine.

"She wanted to talk to Sunn—"

"About what?" Kirk sneered.

Jess exhaled slowly, knowing that he probably wouldn't like it. Kirk may not talk about his life, and today was the first day she met his mother, but she could tell that they didn't get along. He wouldn't be very happy about this. Between Kirk, Mrs. Kirk, and Sunn, she would be hearing a lot about this for a very long time. "Time off. She demanded that Sunn give you time off."

"She what?" This time his voice carried, causing a few heads to turn. "Who in the hell does she think she is?" His whole body shook. "I don't need nor want time off! She's just trying to get me to go with her to stupid event. You know what? I'm not going. She can jump off a cliff for all I care. Where was she when I needed her as a child? Nowhere! That's where! And now, I don't need her!"

Yep, Jess knew it. However, she never expected him to reveal this. "Kirk, calm down."

"I'll calm down when she disappears!" His hands balled. "Is Sunn here," He asked, taking a deep breath.

"Um, Sunn can wait. You have two guests over there." She pointed in the direction of the pair, who was in deep conversion. "They asked for you."

Kirk turned, and his eye twitched when he saw them. "What are they doing here?"

"I don't know. They didn't tell me. All I know is that that they want to talk with you." Jess took the bar rag and started to wipe off the counter. "I can handle the customers, so go. Besides, who are they?"

Kirk shook his head as if he was thinking over his next move. "I only know one of them, and she is my 'personal doctor,'" he said, putting up air quotes.

Personal doctor? What the hell? She wondered about that for a few seconds. "Go," Jess ordered. She learned so much about Jim Kirk in such a short time, and she didn't know what to make of it. "Go."

"Fine," Kirk replied.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

His mother had pushed his last nerve. How dare she come down to his place of work and talk to his boss? Who in the hell did she think she was? Well, he knew who she thought she was, but she was wrong. He'd had enough. She needed to know that he was the boss of his own life and that she couldn't control him. She may be his mother, but that didn't mean he wanted her in his life. He wanted nothing to do with her, but she couldn't understand that. In fact, it seemed like she couldn't understand anything. She didn't understand how much anger and resentment he had toward her, and it didn't matter what he told her. She wouldn't listen, which was one reason they didn't have a relationship. His words couldn't get through to her. It didn't matter what he said to his mother, she wouldn't listen. She would never listen.

To make matters worse, she had talked to his boss and he had no idea as what she said. Was he going to be fired because she ran her mouth? Was it going to destroy his working relationship with Sunn? He didn't want to think about it, for he might kill his mother. Might? Funny. He was going to kill his mother, who had taken it upon herself to ruin to his life. He had so much anger toward his mother that he wondered how long it would take him to lose control. Spock had commented on multiple occasions that he lacked control over his emotions, which on every occasion ticked him off, and his temper had only gotten worse after the rape trial.

However, he had other things at that moment to worry about, causing him to redirect his anger at his mother for a different time. His doctor and her friend needed his attention at that moment. His anger was replaced with annoyance as he limped his way to the table. Lucky for his doctor, he just disliked her and she wouldn't feel the force of his anger, which was reserved for his mother. Unlike his mother, she respected his wishes for the most part. She didn't bother him unless it was medical or when his mother forced her, which he couldn't hold against her. Winona had made it impossible for Ms. Martin to say no; it was easier just to do what she wanted than to fight with her. His mother was like a racehorse that would never tire unlike the rest of the world.

His annoyance was slightly overshadowed by his curiosity to what Martin wanted. Considering she was bothering him at his place his work, there had to be something. However, coming to the bar, he couldn't kick her out if she was a paying customer who was behaving. Could this be a trick of his mother? Did his mother force Martin down here? But what role did the friend play? Was this all a game? He shook his head as he stopped halfway toward the table. The occupants had yet to notice him. Was he overthinking this, seeing backstabbers everywhere? Slowing his breath, he reminded himself not to jump to conclusions before he had all the facts. He had made a habit of it, which was something that Spock annoyingly commented on all the time. He forced his mind to take a step back and to focus on the issue in front of him. He had to figure out what Doctor Martin wanted, so he could return to work, before Sunn came out of his office to discover the fact that he was not working.

It didn't take much to push him forward as his curiosity had gotten the best of him. With his arms folded across this chest, he arrived at the table. Hiding his annoyance, he asked, "What do I owe this visit to?"

Both girls jumped as they didn't notice Jim before that second. "Kirk," Martin breathed.

"What do you want?" He rephrased his question, revealing his annoyance. His eyes wandered between the two girls, catching the not so sneaky glances from the silent friend. She was studying him, which made Jim wonder why. What was going on?

"Why don't you sit," Martin smiled, tapping the table.

"Why are you here?" he asked, as he remained standing. He had no interest in being friendly; he wanted this over as quickly as possible.

Martin let out a harsh breath as she glanced toward her friend. "I wanted to introduce you to-"

"Why," he asked, interrupting her. He shifted his weight as he eyed the friend. There was nothing special about her that he could see. She seemed like a normal girl with nothing important to tell, so why should he waste his time? He had other important things to do.

Martin stood up as if it would give her the upper hand. "You'll benefit from it." It was clear that the doctor was annoyed with him.

"Says you," he muttered, as he was sick and tired of everyone telling him what was best for him. How did anyone know what was best for him? He was the only one who knew who he was, and the only one who knew what was best for him.

Martin had opened her mouth to speak, but the friend had beaten her to it. "It's pointless to try to tell it to him, trust me." Martin and Jim both turned to her. "There was a time that I felt the same way as he did." The friend wasn't smiling, but it wasn't a frown on her face. It was kind of a mixture of both.

Jim eyed the chick as his annoyance had started to turn. How did she know how he felt? What made her think that she had anything idea of what he was feeling? She had no idea of what he had went through, no one did.

"Nicole," Rae muttered as she eyed her friend, who had remained in her seat.

The friend, or the recently named Nicole, glanced to Rae before locking eyes with Jim. "Rae, why don't you leave Jim and me alone to talk?"

Rae was hesitant as the air could be cut with a knife. It was clear that Kirk didn't want to talk or listen to anyone. There was no point in talking if Kirk wasn't open to it. "Alright," she said, looking between them. She backed up slowly before turning to leave.

Jim watched her leave, before he turned back to Nicole, who sat plainly at the table. He stared at her, as he rewrote his thoughts of her. Referring to him by his first time unlike Ms. Martin, who at least knew him, annoyed him. She didn't know him or anything that he was going through, so why should she be allowed to use his name? "What do we need to talk about?"

"Why don't you sit?"

What was it with people and wanting him to sit? Would it change the message if he were to sit? He didn't think so. "I would prefer to stand." He hoped that standing would speed things up, as sitting would invite a long conversation.

"So be it," Nicole exhaled. "Rae brought me here to talk with you."

Jim glanced back to bar to make sure that Jess was okay. "Listen. I thank you for coming and all, but you're wasting your time. I don't need the lecture or whatever Doctor Martin had in her mind." He may have been curious to why they wanted to talk, but that didn't mean he wanted to talk.

He went to walk away, when Nicole spoke. "You can't let the fact you were raped overpower you." Being in a public area, there was always a chance that someone could overhear; however, the good thing about a bar was that it was loud and it would be hard to overhear things.

Her words had stopped him dead in his steps. How did she know? Was he that readable? He prided himself on the fact that he wasn't an open book, which was how he kept it a secret on the Enterprise. If this woman who he hadn't known met before knew, who else knew? "You're mistaken." Denial was his best friend, and it was the thing that got him through the day.

"I'm not mistaken. Anyone with training could tell." Her eyes locked eyes with the back of his head. She had gotten his attention, but it would mean nothing if she didn't get him to listen.

Her last statement stroke a chord, making his anger show its face, but it wasn't directed at her. If a total stranger could tell, why couldn't his crew figure it out? Why couldn't Spock?

"I know the signs." Nicole watched him turn to her, and she could see the emotion in his eyes. Her voice got soft as she spoke. "I was raped."

What hit him first was her strength, when her words came of her mouth. Unlike him, there was no stutter or pause. Unlike him, she could say the word. Unlike him, she was calm and sure of herself. How did she do it? How was she able to stay strong when he couldn't even speak the truth? He wished he could be that way—he needed to be that way. He hated how he was now, and he despised how he was acting. He hated himself for feeling jealous of the girl, who had somehow gotten past it.

"Why don't you sit?" she asked.

This time, he listened and took a seat across from her. Everything in the bar disappeared and Nicole was the only thing that existed at that moment. He had so many questions that he wanted to ask, but he kept them to himself. He had no interest in feeding her, even if he wanted to. "Who knows? Who—" His heart beat quickly.

"Calm down. You have nothing to worry about," she said. He had surprised her as five seconds ago he had denied the whole thing. He may not have admitted it, but he was still talking to her. She hadn't expected him to. "Now, what was your question?"

"How could you see it? I don't know you." His voice was shaky.

"As a doctor, Rae had made some observations that made her suspect it. Rae and I became friends before I was raped. She had noticed how I reacted, which is similar to how you are acting. She came to me hoping I could help you." Nicole looked toward the bar at Rae.

He turned his head slightly, seeing Martin at the bar with Jess. "Who else knows?" Though it was somewhat calming to have someone to talk to, he didn't want other people to know.

"Just Rae and I," she answered.

It was a relief that he didn't want to worry about his mother knowing; he didn't know what his mother would do if she knew. He assumed she would move in and wouldn't let him leave the house for anything. He couldn't take five minutes with his mother, so he hated to imagine spending every second with her. "Why would she want you to talk to me?"

"I thought it was obvious," Nicole said, as she finished off her drink.

His face twisted in discomfort. He didn't want to talk about it, even though it was killing him. "Would you like another drink," he asked, changing the subject. Though he was uncomfortable, he didn't stir from his seat. He couldn't find the strength to leave his seat.

"No," she responded. She knew this was going to be difficult, but she couldn't understand how difficult until that moment as she stared him down. He may deny the whole thing, but she was still going to talk to him. When she was raped, she wished there had been someone to talk to. "Changing the subject with me won't work," she warned. This was a serious conversation.

"Damn," he kidded. "So what will work?"

"Jim, just hear me out. What will you lose?"

He hated the fact that she was right. Listening to what she had to say wouldn't make his life any worse, and if she was right, he would only benefit. He sighed, "Fine."

She smiled slightly as she started off into her story. Nicole was once a therapist, who worked at the same hospital that Rae worked. In her job there, she had counseled many people and had known that one of patients had taken a liking to her, but she had believed that she could've discouraged him. That was not the case. The patient's obsession with her had grown to an unhealthy level, and to this day, Nicole blamed herself for not seeing it. He was her patient; she should've known. She should have seen the signs; then again, she wasn't looking for them. She wanted to believe that he was improving, but she was wrong. He was just getting worse, and it had burst one night. He had followed her home one night and had knocked her out from behind. He had tied her to the bed and raped her repeatedly as she could do nothing to stop him. Sometime after she had fallen asleep from pure exhaustion, he had disappeared. She used that time to escape, knowing if she didn't, he would have raped her again.

Jim couldn't even look at Nicole as she told her story, feeling ashamed. He knew the pain that she had gone through, but he couldn't bring out any emotion except pity, which was something he didn't want for himself. "Did they catch him?" he asked.

"Yea, when I escaped, I went straight to the cops, and they caught him in no time. The trial, though painful, went very well," she said, remembering the whole event.

At that, he felt semi-annoyed as he remembered his equal, if not more, painful trial, because it didn't go as planned. It didn't go well at all.

"You can't put your life on hold. You need to live your life and return to your purpose, your dream," she declared before he could ask another question. She needed him to rethink his choice and his life.

His pity had turned to spite as he listened to her. How dare she lecture him, when she was doing the same thing? As he recalled, she was no longer working at the hospital. "And how about you, huh? I understand that you're no longer working with the hospital. Don't lecture me, when you're doing the same thing."

She should've expected his much from him; however, she took it as a good sign. He was no longer denying it, which was a huge step. Now, she just needed to get him to listen, which she knew was hard. "It's true that I no longer work with the hospital—" Jim snorted. "—but that doesn't mean I no longer work as a therapist. In fact, I work with a nonprofit organization, whose mission is to help special victims. I counsel rape victims."

"And what am I, your next patient?" He growled. He disliked doctors of all kinds, and he was sick and tired of people hanging over him. He could take care of himself.

"I didn't come to give you therapy. I came to talk, but I'm here if you need to talk. If you need a therapist." Her hand danced closer to him, but she didn't make contact.

"I don't need your help," he said, sounding as if he was covered in itchy poisoned ivy.

"Jim—"

"Kirk," he snapped. He was fed up with her talking to him as if he knew him, because she didn't.

"Kirk," she restarted, "I can help you." She locked eyes with him. "I know what you been through. I understand what you're going through." She stopped. His eyes told her everything that she needed to know.

"You say you can help, well than tell me. How long did it take you to get over what happened to you?" A part of him knew her answer, but he hoped he was wrong and that she was over it. He didn't know how long he could deal with himself; all he did was whine and it annoyed the hell out of him.

Her eyes were soft. "I," she paused as if she was looking for the right words, "I can't say I got over it, but—"

"Then you can't help me." He stood from the chair.

"Wait," she said, standing as well. "Just because I'm not over it doesn't mean you can't move past it and live your life." She watched his back as if it would give her any clues.

"How can you move past something if it's always there?" He stood completely still. "How can I live my life if every time I close my eyes I see his face?" His whole body froze as the face of his rapist flashed in his mind.

"That's because you're letting it," Nicole commented.

Upon her words, his anger forced him to act. Rotating rapidly on her, he slammed his fists down in front of her, startling her, and she almost jumped out of her seat. "I'm doing this to myself?" He sneered. There was no fucking way he was doing this to himself. There was no fucking way. How mess up did someone had to be to purposely make himself insane? Did she think he was insane? "I have no choice, because trust me, lady, if I did, it wouldn't be his face that I'm seeing. It wouldn't be that one night that haunts my dreams." His outburst had caused a few heads to turn and linger on him, but he didn't find it in him to care.

"You do have a choice, but you've got to rise above it. You've to live your life."

His anger started to build. "What do you want me to do? I've got a job, a house, and a life," he stressed. He wasn't lying on the sofa doing nothing. He wasn't wasting away on the sofa, which was what he wanted. He wanted to hide and never come out. He didn't want to see the light of day again.

"You aren't fighting. You don't care anymore. You're letting everyone and everything take you down. You're embracing the darkness without the possibility of there being something more, something better." Nicole stared up into his eyes, trying to get a read of him. He had already snapped.

He wished that people would just leave him alone and stopped trying to tell him what he was doing wrong; however, he couldn't fight her with this one. She was right that he was embracing whatever came him way—he hated how things were, but he didn't have the strength to chance it. Maybe, he thought, she's right. He quickly shook that thought from his mind, because he couldn't take being wrong. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You'll never move forward if you don't live your life."

"What do you call what I'm doing now," he hissed. The last time he had checked, he was living. He wasn't laying around in some ditch somewhere. He was living, just not the way he wanted or the life path he wanted.

"Just walking through life won't make you happy. You can't wait for life to throw you a lifeline, because it won't. You have to make it happen yourself. That's the secret, Kirk." She was honest, but she had no idea if he would listen. "I know. I did, and after a long time, I'm happy."

He shook his head as he backed up from the doctor. He was so sick of doctors and their efforts. When would they learn that he didn't need their help? Would anyone ever listen to what he wanted? Did his voice mean nothing? "Who said I wasn't?"

"You did," she replied as she remained in the chair.

Kirk had turned from her. "Funny, I don't recall saying that."

"Not in so many words."

He forced himself to take a deep breath as anger threatened to overtake him. At times, he wished he had the control of a Vulcan, and this was one of those times. His emotions were all over the place, and he had no idea how much longer he would be able to control himself. He snorted as he turned his back on her. "Why don't you stop thinking that you know what I'm feeling, because you don't," he snapped.

Overlooking his injured foot, he stormed away, and his disregarded her calls. He needed to get out of there, and he needed to get out of there now. He didn't care that he was on the clock, and he was supposed to be working. He didn't care that Jess came after him, trying to stop him. "I've to get out of here, now," he told her. He didn't care if he was fired. He just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

He didn't know how he had gotten himself home because all he could think about was what Nicole had told him. She had given him a lot to think about, and he didn't know what to make of it. His head felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure. There were too many things going through his mind, and there was only one thing that could clear his mind.

It didn't take long, even with his limping, to receive two bottles of whiskey from the kitchen and returned to the porch. He knew his drinking was becoming a problem, but he couldn't bring himself to care because right now, it was the only thing getting him through the day. It helped him forget how messed up his life was. He smiled as the alcohol burned as it went through him. A chuckle escaped from his mouth as he felt his senses go.

He wished for a carefree life, where he didn't have to worry about anything. Why couldn't the world just give up on him like he did? Why would anyone care? What made people think that he was special enough to be saved? He just wanted to be left alone, where he could be depressed all he wanted. He deserved nothing more than a lonely life. Why would anyone like him deserve to be happy, especially after what had happened?

Sure, it hit some cord inside him that his mother cared enough to make his life a living hell, but he really couldn't stand her. Everything about her pissed him off, even on his good days (which weren't many). Her voice alone made him want to tear off his ears, and the sight of her made him want to gouge his eyes out. Even her retarded ideas made his gut twist in pain, but that could be because they were horrible ideas in general. The Captain in him couldn't respect or trust her, as her track record with him sucked. That was why the very idea of being alone with her in space drove him batshit. He was already going insane and he didn't need her to add to his insanity.

Someone somehow had gotten within a few feet of him, but he would blame that on the whiskey. "What do you want?" he asked. His high tolerance was the only thing keeping him up.

"Your mother sent me."

He didn't know what pissed his drunken self off more: his mother butting into his life again or Frank being a few feet in front of him. He decided that he would be pissed more at his mother because he could always hit Frank to release his anger. He snorted, "I never expected you to take orders from my mother."

"You little shit," Frank snapped, slapping the bottle out of Jim's hands before he could react. The full bottle of whiskey shattered, hitting the ground. Broken glass scattered everywhere and the liquid scattered across the deck, covering everything. "I take orders from no one."

Launching himself off the porch, he grabbed hold of Frank's shirt. He'd wanted to pound his stepfather's face in since the wedding, but he hadn't had the chance until now. "Now, why did you do that," he asked.

It didn't take much force to push the drunken Jim off him. "Listen, you little bastard, I'm this close to pounding your face in." The only thing stopping Frank from hitting Jim was Winona, who would surely pound him for touching her beloved son. When the boys were younger, he would get away with slapping them around as she was off planet more often than not, and he also knew where to hit them to hide the marks. Plus, she couldn't even look at Jim without seeing his father, and both Jim and Frank wondered what had changed to make her so attached to him. "I don't have to worry about hitting an underage brat or a Starfleet captain," he said, glancing over Jim.

"Why the fuck are you here," Jim asked. Frank's threats meant nothing to him anymore, but it seemed like Frank didn't realize that. Frank still thought he was that big tough man he was all those years ago, but time wasn't friendly to him. The man had put on 75 pounds in all the wrong places. Even though it mentally scarred him, he wondered how his mother had sex with Frank. It made Jim want to puke to think of him naked. Well, that could be said about all people, considering what had happened to him.

Frank glared at Jim. "Your mother—"

"Yes, yes, I know. Get to the point, Stupid," Jim teased. He knew it was a bad move to pick a fight with Frank, especially with an injured foot, but he blamed it on the whiskey. Alcohol could make him do the craziest things, but he didn't care. His attempt at ending his life was proof to that. He didn't think it was possible, considering Frank lacked all communication skills, but the man was growling at him. "Does speech escape you?"

"Why you!" Frank was seconds from attacking the drunken Jim, who had such great joy in insulting him. After a few breaths, he was able to calm himself. "Your mother believes I can convince you."

If there was no way his mother could convince him, he doubted his 'loving' stepfather could. "How so, Tubby?" he asked. It would be any insult now that would cause Frank to give in and attack him.

"I could think of a few ways, Shitface."

"You could think? I never knew a primate like you could," he commented, smirking. It didn't matter what Frank said to him, because he had heard worse and experience worse from his crew, during his last month.

Frank glanced around the place. "I could never live in a dump like this, but hey, it's the best you will ever get. Trash like you should live in trash."

Now, that insult hurt a little bit, mostly, because he said it to himself every time he looked in the mirror. Though it was Frank, it still hurt to hear someone else call him that. "Why, Flab, are you jealous?"

"You could say that, considering this would be a nice place to store my shit, though I have to be looking at shit all day," he said, glaring at him. It was quite clear that he was referring to Jim.

"If I didn't know any better, I would think you're going to visit me more." Well, that would be one way he could be convinced to go into space with his mother. He couldn't stand one more second with this man. "Sorry, I don't date fatties." Neither his mother nor Frank had any idea of whom he had interest in, considering he never told them.

"Well, I don't date fags."

"What did you just say?" Jim hissed. He hated that term more than anything else. It showed such disregarded for the world around them.

"You hear me, Faggot," Frank laughed. This was the first visible outbreak that Jim had showed. "I should've known you were such a pussy. I'm sure you open your legs for whoever comes knocking. Is that how you became a captain?"

Jim's fist balled. Sure, he loved getting into fights, but he doubted that would serve any good, considering it would send his mother running. He didn't need her yelling at him. "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be alive," he responded. He tried to calm himself down, but it wasn't working. Once again, he wished he had Spock's control.

"I'm sure that Vulcan enjoyed his time with you. How many times did you invite him to bed? I'm surprised he let some a slut into his bed."

It took Jim a few seconds to respond. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Frank didn't know about Spock, did he? How could he? He didn't tell anyone outside the Enterprise about his relationship with his first officer.

"He visited you at the Hospital, when you were unconscious. It was rather disgusting if you ask me." He let out another chuckle.

Jim found himself growling at Frank. How dare he insult Selek? He was one of the few people Jim could count on. Though Selek and Spock were the same person, Selek was different and wouldn't turn his back on him. He would do anything to help or defend Selek. "Only thing disgusting here is you." He was ready to attack.

"If I was your mother, I would disown you. Selling yourself? I wonder what people would say."

Jim found it funny that Frank thought he would care if she disowned him. He would rather enjoy it if she did. He didn't want her as a parent. "Get off my property," he hissed.

"How much did that Vulcan pay you?"

"Get off!" he yelled. It surprised himself.

Frank chuckled. "Or did he simply have his way with you? Don't worry; he's probably a slut as well."

Jim grabbed him by the collar. "Don't you dare insult Selek in front of me. He did more for me than you or Winona ever did."

"I can't insult him? That's fine. I can insult you for days without repeats." He just let another laugh as if he wasn't afraid of Jim, whose hands were inches from his neck.

"You ran out of insults for me a long time ago," he hissed

"What made you like this? Were you raped? Is that why you're a faggot, because you liked being raped?"

That was it. The minute that Jim heard the word rape, he lost total control over himself. He dropped Frank and pounded into him. Sure, Frank 'kicked' his butt at the wedding, but Jim wouldn't count that, considering he was seriously injured. This time, his stepfather couldn't defend himself from the ex-Captain. Jim was a trained Starfleet officer, who had no trouble beating the most skilled opponent, not counting Vulcans or Romulans. The last time he took on either of them, their hands were tightly around his neck. With their super strength, there wasn't really a way he could win in hand-to-hand combat. Weapons, on the other hand, could even up the field.

Frank swung his fist. Jim went to block, but considering he still had alcohol in his system, he missed, and Frank's fist collided with the side of Jim's face. It sent him back onto his injured foot, which couldn't support the sudden weight, sending him onto his back. Frank didn't waste anything in tackling Jim and laying into him; however, it didn't take long for Jim to push his fat, portly 'Uncle' Frank off him. Pushing himself off the ground, Jim locked eyes with the man, who he hated with all his heart. There were only a few people he hated more than Frank.

"Come here and let me kick the gayness out of you," Frank demanded. His breath was short and hollowed; he wouldn't be in this fight for much longer.

Jim started to laugh. He never understood why people could be so stupid. Why there so much hatred toward gays? What were they afraid of? "You kick my ass?" Jim's laugher wouldn't stop. "That's funny coming from a man taking orders from my mother."

Frank charged him, but it didn't take much for Jim trip the man to the ground; however, Frank yanked his bad leg, sending James to the ground as well. That was where they stay for a while, as they struggled with each other. Somehow, Frank found himself on top. "I bet you like being bottom," Frank hissed, sending chills through Jim. "It's people like you who deserved to be raped."

Hearing Frank say that brought up anger that he hadn't felt before. He wanted to kill the man on him and bury him in the backyard. What really surprise Jim was the fact that he was inches away from doing it. His whole body ached at the chance to end this man's life. Rolling on top of Frank with his anger aiding him, Jim unleashed his fist into Frank's face. There was nothing stopping Jim from pounding his stepfather's face in, as the man was defenseless. Jim had overpowered him in the matter of seconds.

A few minutes later (or what seemed like seconds), Jim was hauled off Frank. He didn't know who had pulled him off Frank, but he fought against the person. Forgetting about Frank, he blindly sung at the man, who held him. His fist landed on his cheek forcing the man to let him go. Jim was about to throw another punch at the man, but his voice had stopped him cold, "Jim, stop."

Jim's hands fell to his side as he caught sight of his brother, Sam. All of his anger toward his retarded 'Uncle' had turned to shame, and he felt worse than he ever before. He looked up to his brother in a way, and now, he had slugged him. He would be sporting a black eye the next day. What did that make him? Was he anything anymore? "Sam," he muttered.

Sam walked to Frank, pulling the old man up from the ground. Frank's face had gone through the ringer; his face had started to turn a dark blue. His lip was slit and bleeding rather profusely; in addition, scratches covered his body. Frank was bloody mess, and it was shocking that Jim hadn't noticed it sooner. He was close to killing the man, and he felt no guilt about it. Sam had whispered something to Frank that Jim couldn't hear, but he didn't care.

Frank glared at Jim. "You're lucky that I don't sue, or maybe I will, Faggot," he hissed. He limped away to his car.

There was no doubt that Sam had heard, but he didn't seem to care unlike Jim. He launched himself in Frank's direction, but Sam stepped in the way and blocked his way. "What the hell!" Jim had cursed as Frank made it to his car.

His brother pushed him back. "Jim, calm the fuck down!"

Jim's eyes wondered to Frank, who had already started to drive away. The fight was over now whether he liked it or not. "Why are you here," he hissed.

Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother. He knew something had happened to Jim, but he had no idea what it was. "After Mom sent Frank, she called me, figuring she had made a major mistake. I came here as fast as I could, knowing something would happen."

Jim shook his head and turned away. "Well it did. You can leave now." He really did love his brother, but it pissed him off that he took orders from his mother.

"Jimmy," Sam called out to him.

"NO! Don't you call me that." Jim shook his head.

"Jim," he called out again. "I don't know what's going on with you and Frank—"

"Don't you even dare try to defend that jackass," he ordered. "You know how he is." He shook his head as he headed to the porch.

"Yes, I know how he is, Jim, and I heard what he said. I have no doubt that your earlier conversation was dreadful, but you shouldn't have attacked him. What were you thinking? He would do anything to hurt you." Sam shook his head. He didn't want anything to happen to his little brother.

"You don't think I know that? I know that, but that doesn't mean shit."

Sam studied him brother. Jim was never the one to lose his cool so fast, but lately it was becoming a common thing. What was going on? What made him like that? "Jim, tell me what happened."

Jim turned to look at his brother. "Frank pissed me off."

"That isn't what I'm talking about. Why did you quit Starfleet?"

"I didn't quit."

"Fine, you resigned. The same difference! Now, what the fuck happened?"

Worry was clearly present in Sam's eyes. "Nothing happened." However, he didn't need to worry his brother who had other things on his mind to worry about like his pretty little wife.

"Bullshit! I know something's wrong, that something has indeed happened. I'm your brother. I know you." Sam walked closer to his brother, who had taken a seat on the porch.

Jim felt his anger peak again. "No, you don't," he hissed, standing up. "You left, remember? Before I resigned, I haven't seen or spoke to you in over five years, so don't tell me you know, because you don't!" He was inches away from his brother's face, ready to strike.

"Jim," he said through his teeth. Sam was getting defensive, which was common when someone was getting into his face. "Calm down."

"Oh, shut it. You walked out on me, so you don't get a say." His hands balled. Like everyone else.

The older brother took a deep breath, trying to calm him down. He wanted to understand what was making Jim act this way, but his patience was running low. "I'm sorry. What do you want me to say?"

He shook his head and backed away from Sam, trying to think. He didn't know what he wanted Sam to say. "I don't know, but don't say you know me!" There was pause. "I don't know you," he whispered after some time.

"You know that isn't true." He paused. "Sure, there was that five year gab, but that doesn't change anything."

Jim eyed his brother. "So what happened to Aurelan? Last, I heard, before heading to Starfleet, you were going to marry her." Sam stared at his brother with a painful/angrily look in his eyes. "Judging by your look, it isn't a subject you would like to talk about. So what did you do to her? Did you cheat on her with some slut?" Silence. "Maybe, what you're asking me isn't something that I want to talk about either," he hissed.

"You know what," Sam yelled, "fuck you. I was trying to help, and look at what I get." He rudely gestured at Jim. "I'm so sick and tired of trying to help you."

"I don't want your help. I don't want anyone's help, so fuck off!"

Sam dug his nails into his fist, trying to keep his temper under control. "We're fed up of you being so sullen and temperamental. We're only trying to help, but god forbid. Stop being a bitch, because no one's going to want to be around you if you keep acting like this."

"I don't want you people around! I want to be alone, dammit!" That was what he deserved in his mind.

"Why? What are you afraid of?"

"NOTHING! I just hate you all!" He was at his end of his ropes when he said it, and the minute he had was the minute he regretted it. "I wish you all would just leave me the fuck alone."

Sam's face was unreadable. "Is that how you feel?" Jim's silence was his answer. "Fine, we'll leave you to your horrible life. Sorry we caused you so much discomfort!" He shook his head, and turned his back on his brother.

Jim knew he had really hurt his brother, and he wanted to apologize, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. He had opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"And Jim," Sam said, turning his head slightly. "It'll be so much better without having to worry about you. Mom has been so worried about you, and it's a shame. At least she won't be wasting her time anymore." There was pause as if Sam was trying to recollect his thoughts. "You never considered yourself a part of our family, and you don't deserve the Kirk name." With that, he started to walk off.

All the regret that Jim had felt earlier had turned to anger, again. "Well, fuck you! Fuck you all." He didn't need them. He didn't anyone. He was just fine on his own. He watched Sam pull out of the drive, before he walked into the house. He didn't need anyone.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

The next day, anger was still rushing through his veins, and all he wanted to do was get the hell out of there. If all he did was make his 'family's' life terrible, he wasn't going to sit around. As he made his way to his bedroom to pack, his phone rung, but he didn't answer. He decided that he would let the answering machine pick it up. There was no real reason to pick it up, was there? He already decided that he was leaving Iowa; he didn't know where, but that didn't matter. He just needed to get the hell out of there.

Sunn's voice echoed through the house. "Kirk, pick up this phone, or else you are fired!" Jim snorted. He no longer needed to work at that dump anymore. Sunn was silent as he waited for him to answer, but after a few minutes of nothingness, he spoke, "Answer the phone. Fine, Kirk. You made me. You're fired." Sunn hung up. Jim's laughter filled the house. There was nothing holding him back anymore. There was nothing keeping him. He was finally a free person, with nothing to worry about.

It didn't take long for Jim to load up the bike, considering one, it was a bike, and two, he didn't have much stuff to pack. He brought enough clothes to last him a few weeks and a few bottles of alcohol. The only non-clothes or alcohol was a little golden statue of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and his metals. He didn't have any photos, considering he burned them. He didn't have anything, well besides the house, but he would probably sell it down the road. He wouldn't need it anymore.

He jumped on his bike just as a car pulled into the driveway. He hoped it wasn't his mother, because he knew it wouldn't end well, if it was. He left out a sigh of relieve when Jess walked out of the car. She ran to him as soon as she saw him. "I heard you were fired, and I wanted to make sure you were okay." Her eyes widened when she saw that his bike was packed.

"I'm fine," he muttered.

"Where are you going?"

He didn't want nor feel like telling her the truth, so he decided to lie. "I need a break, so I have decided to take a trip." It wasn't a complete lie.

"Okay," she muttered, but it didn't sound like she was sure.

"I'll be back," he smiled, but he had no idea why. Jess was always nice and supportive; it had saddened him to leave her. She was one of the few people who didn't bug him for a story, and he would always be grateful for that. He leaned down to her and kissed her on the cheek. "Tell everyone I said good-bye." He didn't give her time to respond as he turned over the key and took down the driveway with no idea of where he was going or whether he would ever be coming back.


	7. Tushah nash-veh k'dular

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To address some a few questions: Jim doesn't just kick his family out, because in some sense, because they are his family. I have sister, who I can't stand, but I don't give up, because I believe she can change, and I want to be with her when she does, though I won't be stupid about.  
> It is kind of the same Jim. Thought he can't stand his mother, he won't get a restraining order. He had always dreamed of a perfect family, and there will always be a hope for that, and he wont kick her to the curb. He is holding on to that hope. Though he hadn't said it, he wants his mother to act like a mother, because he knows she could be. He is holding out hope, but he isn't going to voice it. I hope that helps. my explanation sounded so much better in my head

**Chapter 7**

**_Tushah nash-veh k'dular_ **

* * *

 

It really was a beautiful day. There was no denying that. The sun was out, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The blue/green ocean waves were quite a sight; the birds and the sea creatures were out. It was an impressive sight; the San Monica's Pier was really a breath-taking place. Jim had always wanted to see it. He had seen photos of the place, but he never had the chance to see it before, so it was no surprise, when he headed there first. The pier hadn't change much in appearance, but it had changed. Most of the stores had vanished as most of the tourists went other places for fun and entertainment, but most of the rides were still in working order. Like the Golden State Bridge, it had attained the same Monument status. There were still a hand full of tourist, who visited this place, but it seemed like the beach had lost it draw.

However, in his eyes, it wasn't a waste of a trip. He could look out at the ocean for the rest of his life, and he would be happy. Though he had seen the earth from space, he hadn't seen all the beauty that it held. It was quite an amazing sight. He looked as far out as possible. It really did look like one could fall off the earth, if one were to sail out that far.

Wanting to be alone, Jim enjoyed the peace and quiet that came with the pier. It gave him the space to think that other places did not. Being James T. Kirk came with a price as he came to learn. Everyone in his or her right minds knew who the hell he was. Like children for example. Jim shook his head. He had come to dislike them. He didn't know what it was, but if he had to retell how he saved the earth one more damn time, he was going to kill someone. Don't get him wrong, he was flattered for their hero worship, but he couldn't deal with their consistent questions. Though children had their nonstop questions, he enjoyed them over adults, who were annoying as all hell.

Walking into any bar, he was surrounded by chicks and a few men, who wanted to get into his pants. He didn't know what it was, but he wasn't that easy anymore. He wanted something more than just sex, and there were a few reasons for that. One, he had been raped, and he was now turned off to sex in the most part. Two, after being in a serious relation and experiencing everything that came with it, sex didn't mean as much. He wanted a relationship with meat in it. In addition, It had become a new tend to pitch ideas to Jim over and over again, and no one would take no as an answer. Now, he knew all this came with being James T. Kirk, but he wished he had Jim time. He needed Jim time. He needed it to be all about him for a while. For the longest time, he had to worry about everyone and he needed a break.

He rested his head on the railing as his life played through his head. He wondered what his life could've been like if his father was alive. He knew he could ask Selek, but the chances of that old Vulcan answering him was low. Selek didn't believe that it would be wise to tell him, not that he thought the timeline would be in danger as it was already fucked thanks to Nero, but rather, he wanted to save Jim the pain of knowing something he would never experience. Selek would tell him a few general facts, but he would never go into detail. Jim was glad that Selek fused to tell him some things, because he knew he wouldn't have the self-control. He took a deep breath. He hated the fact that his counterpart had a different life, because he would compare it all the time. In his mind, he would never live up to the Jim Selek knew, and he hated the fact that he had to compete with himself. He hated that he was living in that shadow. He hated it, downright hated it. He was jealous of the other Jim, who had grown up with a father and a loving mother. He was jealous of a life he never knew and would never know.

As he spotted a seal, he sense a person come up behind. When he wasn't drinking, Jim's senses were pretty good. "Can I help you?" he asked instead of 'what do you want,' which was what he wanted to say. He kept his eyes on the seal that seemed to be enjoying itself.

"I knew I would find you here."

* * *

 

"I was under the impression that you were going to show me what it all meant," Spock said, eyeing his counterpart, who was standing a mere foot from him. If it were anyone else, Spock would have stepped back as to avoid the close contact. From that distance, it would be clear to anyone that he was unstable, but he knew it would be clear to his counterpart regardless.

Selek eyed his younger self. "I am sorry that I have misled you." It had been a few minutes since Selek had informed Spock that he would show him the truth. "I would like to clarify. I will walk you through what had happened." It was still about growth.

Spock took a deep breath, knowing he should have expected this from his counterpart. Vulcans were about growth and the wisdom one might attain through it. With Vulcans, it wasn't simple, and Spock knew it, but he did not like it. "Understood." Spock was being rather illogical about it, which unnerved him. A Vulcan should never be illogical.

His counterpart's hands reached for his face. "I will guide you through the memory." There was no need of explanation to which memory it was. "I will not allow you to be blinded by your emotions."

Spock let out a glare. He hated that word, and he hated that Selek was right. He was blinded by his emotions, and it was affecting his actions. "What must be done?" he asked, leaning into Selek's hand.

"Show me the memory," was Selek's response, and Spock obeyed. His mind ran back to that night, the night that haunted him. Both Selek and Spock found themselves in the quarters of Captain James T. Kirk, about a month before he resigned. Spock lets his mind wonder, as he realized how much he missed the sight of Kirk's quarters. Whenever he went to Captain Pitts, he disliked how different the room was, and he would be lying if he said it didn't affect him. The memory flicked. "Spock, pay attention," Selek ordered.

The memory flicked for a few more seconds as it strengthened itself. A ghost Spock appeared at the desk, eyeing the antique books. Present Spock and Selek remained at the corner of the unmade bed as they waited for Kirk to appear. "I do not see the point of this memory," Spock said, pausing the memory. He knew that Selek wanted him to observe this memory, but he couldn't understand why. He had studied this recollection many times before, and there was nothing that stood out.

"Spock, you see what you want to see, which is why I am here. I will help you see through the cloud of your emotions."

Present Spock narrowed his eyes at Selek, who was eyeing ghost Spock. "Do not insult me." He didn't know why he waited this long to snap at Selek, considering he had already called Spock emotional.

Selek turned to Spock. "I do not remember ever being this hostile at your age. It seemed that the change in the timeline had changed many of things." The old Vulcan turned his attention to the door. "Interesting."

Though Spock himself had used the word interesting many times, he didn't like how it sounded coming from Selek's lips. He was beginning to understand how the rest of the crew felt, whenever that word escape from his lips. He was about to respond, when Kirk entered the room. His appearance was the same as before, and the smell was worse, if that was possible. Ghost Spock froze, catching sight of Kirk, who looked happy as normal. Anger ran through his veins as Kirk took a few steps into the room. When Kirk's eyes had widened, Spock froze the memory, as he could not face it.

"Why did you stop?" Selek glanced toward Spock, who fists tightened. "The memory is not finished."

Spock looked away from his counterpart, as his emotions had gotten the best of him. Not only was he ashamed of being an emotional Vulcan, he felt ashamed that he was not strong enough to face the memory. Maybe this was why he would never understand what Selek was teaching him. "It would be pointless to go farer into the memory as I…" He paused, not finishing his sentence. He knew Selek was in fact him, and they were inside his mind, where secrets didn't exist, but that didn't mean he wanted Selek to know how weak he was. "The pain…" Once again, Spock didn't finish.

" _Nam-tor kusut vel t'kashek. Kup-putash-tor kashek_." (Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled) Selek glanced toward Kirk.

Spock stared at the floor as Selek spoke. The look on his counterpart's face was pure pain, and Spock knew that Selek felt the same as he did. "…The smell is too much to bare."

"There is no smell."

"What?" He couldn't comprehend how Selek couldn't smell the stench rolling off Kirk. The smell alone could make Spock lose control.

"You see what you believed to be true as your mind saw the truth."

Spock stared at his counterpart as his brain processed his statement. Did that mean that Selek saw the truth? He shook his head. "What do you see?" he asked.

"The truth." Selek's expression looked painful, which surprised Spock. Selek had an aura about him that Spock wished he had. As illogical as it was, Spock wanted to be like Selek. His counterpart had found a way to combine both the human and the Vulcan way. Though it was very hard to tell, Selek was emotional; however, he was very rational about it. He experienced emotions, but he did not allow them to control him, which was something that Spock wished he had. "Let the memory play, but focus on the Jim that you loved not on the Jim you believed to have cheated on you."

Spock closed his eyes for a brief second, or what seemed like a second. He allowed himself to take in what Selek had said as memories of his time with Jim flashed before him. He had missed those times. Opening his eyes, he allowed the memory to play forward.

Ghost Spock stood, staring wide eye at Ghost Kirk. Emotions were clearly written on his face.

He really was trying. He really was, but the good memories they had together could not keep out the disgusting odor. Doubt started to fill him head. "Spock, focus," Selek, who had sensed the struggle of his counterpart, ordered.

As Ghost Spock turned his back on Kirk, Spock took a second to relive the good memories, which had helped, but what really helped was Selek. His counterpart, whom mind was connected to him, helped to guild his thoughts. He was able to break away at the fog.

"Spock, let me explain," Kirk begged. Ghost Spock didn't answer as he started to pack his things. It was as if he couldn't hear Kirk, but the present Spock knew the truth. If he hadn't have blocked him out that day, Spock would have lost control, which wouldn't have been good. With Selek's steady hand, Kirk's state had started to reveal itself. "Spock, please," Kirk begged again, as he inched closer.

Present Spock froze. He didn't know how he had missed it, but he did. It killed him as he heard Kirk's voice. Kirk sounded like he was about to break down; he sounded liked he had been crying. It had unsettled him; his tone was a clear clue to how Kirk felt. He was broken and defeated. If Spock had to describe it, he sounded dead. If this weren't in his head, Spock's hands would have been bleeding as his nails dug into his flesh. He never wanted Kirk to be so broken, but he had no one to blame except himself. His mind flashed to Kirk's remaining time on the Enterprise, wondering how Kirk sounded then.

As he listened to Kirk, Kirk's true form revealed itself. He didn't know how he had missed Kirk's state before, but he was 'kicking' himself. If it weren't for Selek, Spock would have turned away, not ready to take in a broken Kirk. "You need to see this," was his response. He was right.

Though Kirk was wearing long sleeves, Spock could still see light red markings around his wrist. There were also small bruises. However, what really shocked Spock was the faint hand shaped impression around his neck. It brought out anger in Spock, the likes he had never knew. Who dared to hurt his Jim? He would kill them slowly. He wondered what made him refer to Kirk as Jim again, but he also wondered when he had reclaimed Jim as his own.

"Spock, please," Jim begged. Present Spock could see how close Jim was to tears, and it brought more emotions to the surface. Ghost Spock didn't however notice how broken Jim was, as he walked past to the door. "Let me explain. Spock, please." His voice was about to give out. Jim's eyes followed Ghost Spock.

Spock knew that Ghost Spock wasn't going to let Jim explain, but he couldn't stop hoping he would. How could he not tell that something had happen to Jim? He felt Jim freeze as Ghost Spock paused at the door and glanced back at him. "It would be ill-advised as this affiliation was purely a scientific experiment." With that, Ghost Spock vanished out the door, but it didn't take long for Jim to follow him out.

"SPOCK!" Jim cried out. It seemed that he didn't care who saw or heard him. He just wanted Spock to listen, but Spock had disappeared around a corner, ignoring the now crying Jim.

Selek and Spock stood at Jim's side; Spock didn't need to go after the ghost form of himself as he knew what happened next. His only care was the crying Jim, who had fallen to his knees not too long ago. This was where the memory froze, as Spock didn't know what had happened next with Jim; but he had what he needed to know. "Jim," he called, reaching out to the ghost as he went down onto his knees; however, his hand went right through him. He didn't know what to say to Jim, not that it mattered, as he couldn't hear anything. How could he have missed it? How could he had not seen how broken his mate was?

"You have seen what you were supposed to have seen," Selek said, dragging them out of mind-meld.

Spock was on his hands and knees in his quarters, trying to catch his breath. He knew better than to try to reenter his mind as he lacked the strength, though he wanted to see Jim again. He needed to see Jim again. He needed to know what had happened to his beloved. "Do you know what had happened to J-Kirk," he said, still on ground. Though he had called Kirk by his first name, it wouldn't be right for him to refer to Jim in such a personal way, not after what he had learned.

"Yes, I do."

Spock stared up at him. "What happened to Kirk?" He had to know, even if the expression is Selek's told him that he didn't want to know.

Selek took in a deep breath as he prepared himself. "Jim itishi k'lasa." (Jim was raped.) He knew he couldn't have answer Spock in English.

" _Nauto_?" (What?) Spock could not believe his ears. Selek had to be lying, but that wasn't possible as he was a Vulcan. It made him want to drop down dead, as it meant he had betrayed his beloved at the time that he needed him the most. What kind of Vulcan was he?

" _Tushah nash-veh k'dular_." (I grieve with thee.) It broke Selek to see Spock like this, because he knew exactly what he was going through. He felt pain himself, knowing that Jim was hurting.

* * *

 

"I knew I would find you here."

Jim knew that voice, but he couldn't place it. "So you found me. What do you want?" The sound of the waves crashed below the piers.

"I came to look out at the ocean," the woman said, as she took the spot next to Jim. Leaning against the railing, she glanced at the same seal that Jim was looking around. "That's a cute seal."

Jim glanced to the woman, and he realized to whom he was talking to. He hadn't seen her in years, but he knew her the second he saw her. She had not lost her beauty; if it was possible, she had become more beautiful. "Aurelan, what are you doing here?" It wasn't that he didn't want to talk the beautiful woman, but he never expected to see his brother's ex-fiancé here. They talked, but they were never best friends, and he would never expect her to seek him out.

Aurelan glanced toward Jim before looking back out to the see. "Your brother called."

Jim ever so slowly turned to her. "He what?" He didn't know what that meant.

"He's worried about you."

He shifted his body. "So he called you?" He didn't understand why Sam would call Aurelan to ask if he was okay. He knew he was missing something.

She pushed her hair behind her hair as she rotated, so her back was leaning against the railing. "Sam knew you would come here. You always wanted to come here, and he knew I was living here now, so he gave me a call," she sighed. It left a bad taste whenever she talked to her ex.

"I still can't believe he called you," Jim replied. He didn't know what exactly had happened between them, but he knew that something had to have happened.

Her eyes wonder down the pier, as if she was looking for something. "You know he regrets everything he said to you. He wishes he could take it back."

"If he regrets it, why did he send you? He should've come up here himself," Jim responded bitterly. He straightened up slightly.

"Just because he figured you would be up here, doesn't mean you would come here." She paused. "Besides, he can't just leave his new wife."

Jim stared at her from the corner of his eye. "I guess." He studied her for a few seconds as he wondered why she did what his brother had asked. "So why did you do as he asked?"

She didn't answer right away, as if she was trying to figure out what to say. "Well, he wouldn't let me say no, and…" She paused. "I wanted to help. I know how it feels to be kicked from your path." She turned back to the ocean and pointed to the seal. "Every year, there are thousands of sea animals beached, and if no one had helped them, there wouldn't be alive and there weren't be as many beautiful creatures."

Glancing at her from the corner of his eyes, he didn't like being compared to a seal. "That still doesn't mean that someone would get them back into the ocean. It's the cycle of life. Survival of the fittest."

"So you would let it die a painful death?"

Taking a deep breath, he answered, "No, but I don't see how this has anything to do with me."

She took out a camera to take a photo of the seal. "You need help like any beached animal."

He narrowed his eyes, as he tried to figure her out. Who said he needed help? He was doing just fine if you asked him; however, the last few months could contest differently. Maybe, he did needed help… He shook his head. He was being crazy, because he didn't want help. Accepting any help would just make him weak, right?

"Sure, time has passed, but I'll always lend a helping hand to you." Aurelan padded his head, which startled Jim. "There isn't anything wrong with accepting help."

He almost snorted. His whole life he was taught that accepting help was weak, and it would come back to bit him in the ass. He learned that lesson from a very young age. Frank was never kind to him as a child, but he was always worse whenever Jim had gone for help. If he was a Vulcan, the railing would be broken as his hands squeezed it with all he had. His childhood wasn't a good one.

"Let me help you. Talk to me." She stared down at his hands, where were turning red. It was obvious he was hiding from something.

"Why don't you tell me what happened between my brother and you." Jim had no interest in talking about himself, as he hated everything about himself.

She looked him over as if she was thinking about what he had just said. "What about this? I'll tell you a little about that, if you tell me what happened?"

Though boats were hardly used anymore, that did not mean you didn't see one now or then. What was the point of using a boat, when almost everyone had a hover car? The only real use of a boat was either for the old fashion fishing or some other kind of water entrainment. Nowadays, people went to the sky for entrainment. It was surprising, but nice, when a boat suddenly appeared in the water. A father was teaching his young son the way of the ocean. The small child was enjoying himself, as he caught a small fish, which would be thrown back as it was too small, but none of that matter to the child, who had caught his first fish.

Though it was a joyous occasion, Jim felt jealous, as he never had a father-son experience. His heart pinged as he fantasied about the memories he could've had with his father, even if it was something as stupid as fishing. He closed his eyes. His life would've been different if he had a father. "You assume too much." The child laughed. "I don't care that much."

Aurelan took a deep breath. "I never expected that you did."

Leaving the beloved father-son, he glanced toward his brother's ex-fiancé. His curious had been peeped again as he wondered what her game was. What was she after? It couldn't be as simple as just wanting to talk, could it?

"I just offered so it would give you some ground to stand on. You're the one who asked." Though she wanted to help, she wasn't going to let him walk all over her. He would never open up that way.

"What do you get out of this?" He knew his brother had asked her, but that didn't mean anything.

"Nothing. In fact, there're so many other things that I could be doing." Her eyes wondered to the same boat that Jim was eyeing seconds earlier. "I was planning on studying and observing the underwater plant life with my friends." She took her breath. "It was going to be fun, but I can do it another day."

Though it wasn't on his bucket list, he knew people found enjoyment in science, Spock being one of them, but don't get him wrong, he did find science to be an important and interesting field; it just wasn't his idea of fun. "I'm sorry you're wasting your time then."

"I'm not. I find this talk to be meaningful and important."

"How so?"

"It's important to get back to your path. As I'm supposed to study life, you're supposed to be Captain of the Enterprise," she said, poking him in the forehead. "It's your calling as science is mine."

Taken back from her contact, Jim shook his head, thinking about what she had said. She was wrong…He wanted her to be right, but she was not. The only place he felt right was in the captain chair on the Enterprise. He missed it. He wanted to be in that seat, ready to complete his mission. "I don't know about it."

"What makes you think that? You were a great captain, a captain we could trust." There were horror stories about captains, and James Kirk wasn't one of them. If Aurelan could serve under a captain like Kirk, she would have no problem enlisting with Starfleet.

Jim glanced to her before turning away from the father and son. Placing his hands into his pocket, he slowly wandered over to a bench that was a few feet down. He sank into the seat and threw head back, so he could look at the sky. All of this happened within a minute of silence. "You would be the only one who would believe that."

She made her way over towards him. "What makes you think that?" she asked, standing over him.

Without moving, he stared up at her. "My crew told me." He shifted his glance, as he couldn't take the look in her eyes. "But hey, no big deal! I can do something else with my life."

Taking a deep breath, she sat down next to him, but she didn't lean back. "Somehow I don't believe that." Jim didn't respond. "Did they specifically tell you that they didn't trust you?" She didn't like his silence.

He couldn't keep his hands still. No, they didn't tell it to his face, but he knew. Every time, they looked at him. Every time, they responded to him. Every time, they passed him in the hallway. Every time they questioned him, he sensed it. They didn't trust him. "I thought we weren't talking about this," he snapped.

Aurelan looked at him. "Then why are you still here?" She sensed it from the beginning. She knew the second she saw him that he wanted to talk. He wanted someone to listen. Sure, he was putting up a fight, but he wanted someone to fight back. He wanted someone to care enough to fight back.

"…I don't know," he admitted. He had no reason for staying.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned back. "I broke up with your brother."

Picking himself slightly up, Jim stared at Aurelan. He wasn't expecting her to speak about that. "Really?" What else could he say to that?

"It was my decision, but it wasn't easy." She glanced toward Jim, who had yet to lean back again. "It was the right choice, even after what happened."

"What happened?"

Her eyes wondered back up to the sky. "Alcohol."

Jim was locked onto his brother's ex-fiancé. "What?"

There was hesitation. "Your brother… he could never control himself when he drink, which was a reason why he stopped drinking. When he started, he could never stop, and he turned into another person. I didn't recognize him half of the time, but I thought I could change it…or rather, I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, but I was wrong."

Jim felt his heart race. He never knew that about his brother, but they weren't close, hardly ever talked; however, he expected to know something like that. He expected his brother would tell him…but then again, he never told his brother what really had happened to him. "What made you…What did you…" He didn't know what to say.

Her eyes wandered to him, and he could see how painful it was for her to talk about it. "I'll never know how it feels to lose a parent like you guys did, but I knew Sam took it bad. Every year on that night, Sam would drink himself to near death. He knew his life would've had been different if your father was alive, and he couldn't live with it." Her eyes left him again.

_At least, he doesn't know it really was._ Though Selek was limited with what he told Jim, he did tell him a few things about his father, and it hurt like a bitch that Jim could never be able to experience it. Jim hated his counterpart for that as well. "Did something happen?"

"He cheated on me, which I could get pass. Call me a stupid chick who didn't want to lose someone she loves, but I forgave him. He was so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing." Tears started to form in her eyes. She really did love him.

Jim almost snorted. He could never understand how someone could be so stupid. How could you forgive someone who cheated on you? His heart hurt, knowing he wasn't forgiven, but it really couldn't be called cheating, now. He really wished Spock had listened like Aurelan had. "What couldn't you get pass?"

"He got her pregnant."

Jim jumped, landing on his feet. "What?" He was an uncle? His mind was racing. Why didn't he ever meet the brat? The look in her eyes wasn't good. "What happened to the child?"

"Miscarriage." Jim stared. "Let's back track a little. He wanted to stay with me, even after he found out, but I wasn't going to let his child grow up without a dad. I told him it was over and he should go to her. He went, without a fight." She looked into Jim's eyes. "He knew my reasoning."

"How did he lose the kid? Why didn't he go back to you?" He had so many questions.

She closed her eyes as she tried to gain strength. "He was drinking one night, which was unusual, considering he only drunk once a year." She paused. "I don't know what happened, considering we weren't talking. The girl didn't want him talking to me, which I guess was understandable. All I know, he was drinking, and she fell. I doubt he did anything to her, but I can't be sure. He called me after it happened and told me she had lost the baby. It was over he said, and he wanted to come back to me." Tear started to fall. "Stupid me, told him okay. To this day, I don't know what was going through my head when I agreed. I was happy again, but that didn't last. After he told me he wanted to come back, we didn't speak again. I called him, but he never answered the phone. After a few calls, I knew what had happened. He had changed his mind, but you know what? It was a good thing. It really was. I'm glad we didn't get together."

Her story made his question everything that he was doing. He didn't want to become his brother. He didn't want to lose control of himself and end up hurting someone. He knew he should stop drinking, but even now, he was dying for a drink. "What happened to the girl?"

"He married her. I guess he really did love her."

Jim could not believe his ears as he took a seat. "It was Joy?" He couldn't believe it. He really couldn't.

"Nice lady?" She didn't bother confirming.

He never had a conversation with girl without his brother around, and when they did talk, she was the one who did all of the talking. "I guess." His mind was still trying to work itself around the whole situation.

She looked at him. "That phone call was the first call since that night he told me he wanted me back."

Jim didn't respond. He didn't know what to say, but he wanted a drink, even after hearing what had happened to his brother. Say something to stop me, Aurelan. He wished he wasn't dependent on drinking. "Why did you tell me this?"

She turned back to the sky. "I don't know. I felt like I should." She closed her eyes. "I was hoping that you would talk to me. It was really selfish if you think about it." She didn't know what else to do.

"Do you really want to know?" Jim had given up. If she cared this badly, he would tell her. He knew she would leave after she found out the truth, but at least, she would know the truth. "I'll tell you." _Thank you._

* * *

 

Spock stared at the ground as he tried to wrap his mind around what Selek had told him. "How?" he asked, switching back to English. He didn't understand how something like rape could happen to Jim.

Selek eyed his counterpart. "I do not need to inform you about the population on Dalenius." Though he had already broken Jim's trust by telling Spock the truth, Selek didn't want to go into detail. Not only did he feel uncomfortable speaking about it, it was Jim's story to tell. If he didn't want to tell anyone, Selek wasn't going to force his hand.

He did know about the population that lived on that planet. The planet was barely advanced enough to enter into the Federation, and he also knew that the Federation only considered it, because they had something that they wanted. They were an aggressive group with a limited sense of the greater good. This was the reason why he contested Kirk going down there without him. It wasn't that he didn't think Jim could take care of himself, but Daleniens had four times the strength of humans. Come to think about it, humans were a weak species. How did they serve this long? There were many other races that were far more intellectual than they were, and there were countless species that were stronger than they were. He wondered why he had even let Jim out of his sight in the first place. "You do not."

Selek closed his eyes as he replayed a certain memory in his head. "I do not feel comfortable telling you without his permission."

It hurt to say the least that his Jim went to Selek. He knew he didn't have the right to feel jealous, not after what he had done, but that didn't mean he didn't feel it. He always knew his counterpart and Jim had a special relationship, but that didn't mean he had to like it. Illogical as it was, he wasn't a big fan of his counterpart. "Do I not have a right to know what had happened to my Captain?"

"Jim is not your captain."

That took the breath from Spock, but Selek didn't catch it. "Would it not be public record?" His eyebrow rose. "There would be no betrayal of trust."

Selek shifted his eyes and wandered to the desk. Being Vulcan, both he and his counterpart saw no need in material items. They were a distraction. "You will have trouble finding those records, Spock." There was no need to explain, as Spock knew first-hand how difficult it was. Spock had tried to look for any records on James T. Kirk. "I would assume you would have already looked."

"I have."

"I would also assume that your search was fruitless."

"Correct."

He didn't know what it was, but Selek was getting sentimental about being in this room. He remembered serving under his Captain Kirk and he wished to be nowhere else. "Therefore, you already know public record. There is nothing I can tell you about that situation."

Spock took a few steps toward Selek. "Your logic is flawless; however, I feel -"

"You feel?" Selek interrupted as his fingers danced around the keyboard.

Glancing in a way that only a Vulcan could do, Spock came around to his desk. "It is reasonable to assume that you can enlighten me without betraying Kirk's trust." In his mind, logic was always right and it should always be followed. "It would be illogical to believe that there is no record. Others must be aware of what had happen to Kirk."

Selek's fingers run traced the computer. "That is correct. I would be lying if I said that no one else on this ship knew." There was an inter-battle going on inside of Selek. He wanted to tell his Spock everything he knew, but that would not be honorable. He would be betraying Jim. If he wasn't Vulcan, he probably would have told Spock everything; however, he was and he could not. Even though Jim needed the truth to be revealed, he wasn't going to go against Jim. Besides, Selek didn't know if he wanted to send Spock to Kirk, remembering the scene he walked in on with Uhura.

He took a long breath, which he had seen Kirk do many times to calm himself. "Captain Pitts." He didn't need to guess; he knew Pitts knew about Kirk. Spock remembered the questions that Pitts had asked him, and it would make sense he knew. Why else would he ask about Jim's behavior during his last month of his captaincy?

"Correct," he responded with a long breath. He wasn't really looking at anything.

There was a long silence.

"Your silence would presuppose that there is another person." Spock waited to see if Selek would answer, but he did not. "Who is this person?"

"It would be of no benefit."

"Should it not be me who decides what might benefit me?"

To a Vulcan, logic was the most important thing, and there was no defying it. "Our father."

"What?" Selek ignored the illogical response. "What do you mean? Why does he know?" Spock paused, realizing how human he had become at hearing this. His logic became blinded by his emotions.

"He knows because Jim told him."

If it was possible, Spock felt deader inside. How could Kirk tell his father what had happened but not him? As he knew, Kirk and his father weren't close. He wasn't even sure that they liked each other. They tolerated each other for him. It was beyond him why Kirk would go to his father. The little voice inside his head disagreed. You turned him away. "If that was true, my father would have told me."

"Do you believe I would lie to you?" If he wasn't Vulcan, Spock would have thought he had offended Selek. "I have no reason to lie, Spock. And Sarek had no reason to tell you. What purpose would he have in telling you?"

"I have a right to know what has happen to Jim." Spock was becoming more human with each passing second.

"You had lost all right to Jim, when you turned him away. It would have been illogical for Sarek to have informed you." Selek knew himself well enough to know that Spock was close in snapping.

Spock stared at his counterpart before turning to the door. Without saying a work, he exited his quarters. Selek knew where Spock was heading. Though hope was illogical, Selek hoped for the best.

* * *

 

Jim settled his self on the bench and stared at the sky. He didn't know if he could tell her what had happened to him, which was obvious by his silence. He had to try, didn't he?

"Take your time," Aurelan said in no hurry.

Taking a deep breath, he started, "some things are classified." It wasn't as if he cared, because he didn't care what happened anymore. Besides, the rape trial and rape were classified, so if she wanted the truth, he would have to break his oath. Did that even exist anymore? He wasn't sure. "It all happened when we visited a newly discovered planet, Dalenius. I won't tell you why we went down there, because it doesn't matter." He took a pause. "All that matters is the fact that the Dalenians are savages."

She stared at him. "I doubt they are savages." If that were the case, Starfleet wouldn't have sent him.

Shifting to get a better view of her face, he stared deep into her eyes. "Yes, Aurelan, savages. The things they did…do aren't human." Yes, he knew that they weren't human, but it was an expression. "However, I guess, it's partly my fault." He shook his head, wondering how much of it was his fault.

She stared at him. "How is it your fault?" she asked, noticing him flinch. She knew it had to be something.

Jim closed his eyes, trying to relax. He could feel his heartbeat speed up as he went through what happened in his head. "I went down to Dalenius without security or my First Officer." He flexed his fist. It really was a bad idea.

"You didn't go alone, did you?" She didn't know Starfleet protocol, but she doubted that a Captain would go down alone to a non-federation planet.

"No, my First Officer didn't approve. Though he had no say in the matter, he would do anything to make sure I didn't go to that planet alone, even insubordination." He laughed, but Aurelan had no idea why. She wasn't aware that his First Officer was Vulcan. "I beamed down to the planet with one medical, one tactical, and two science officers." There was pause. "There was also an admiral and an ambassador."

"Okay, so what happened?"

"Many things," he commented, which resulted with her glaring at him, "None of which deals with the issue at hand." She didn't need to hear the detail of meetings or anything along those lines. "Things were going well, considering we had a few setbacks, which could've been avoided if I brought a certain someone." His fist flexed again. "Maybe, this all could've been avoided if I brought him, but I thought he was needed on the bridge." He started to shake.

"Jim," she muttered.

There was a few seconds of silence before he spoke. "I pride myself on the fact that I'm able to pick up on the smallest of details, but I was blindsided by this. I didn't see it coming at all." He closed it eyes, realizing how stupid he was. "I didn't notice that one of the committee members took a fancy to me." There was another pause, but Aurelan didn't push him. He needed to get this out in his own time. "He came to me a few hours later, when I was alone. I thought he wanted to talk about the treaty, but I was wrong."

She wondered if she should place a hand on his shoulder in support, but she decided against it. She didn't want him to feel like he was locked in.

"I should've notice how odd he was acting, but I didn't. Maybe, I wouldn't have known what I was looking at." Jim squeezed his eyes shut as if he was experiencing physical pain. "I should've questioned his strange gift. Why would anyone give a person a leaf tied to a stone? It didn't make sense. I'm idiot. How could I be so stupid not to notice the hunger in his eye? Why did I turn my back on him? Why did I lead him on?" It was difficult to breathe. "That has to be the reason why he thought that he could claim me. I hate myself. I should-"

"JIM!" Aurelan yelled, grabbing his shoulders. He flinched at her touch, but he didn't pull away. "Calm down. You have to breathe, honey. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out," she repeated until he obeyed. There were a few minutes before she spoke. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't." She knew what had happened.

He stood suddenly as if he were burned. "It was." Aurelan thought her heart was about to break, when she saw the tears flowed. "I should've read the brief that Lt. Uhura had prepared. I shouldn't have gone to the planet without security or my First Officer." He had started to shake. What's wrong with me? "It's entirely my fault."

Aurelan finally took notice that Jim had yet to refer to his First Officer by name, but she pushed it aside for later. "No, it isn't. Don't you dare think that!" she stressed as she reached for him.

He eyed her hand dangerous; he had started to freak out. Maybe, it wasn't a good idea to tell her. Maybe, he was too weak. Maybe, he was right in resigning from Starfleet. How could he handle a ship if at any moment he were mere seconds from panic attack? "No, I must've leaded him on." He sunk to his knees. "He was right."

She was at his side in a stance, and her arms embraced him. Resting her head against his, she whispered into his ear. "No, you didn't, and even if you did, the moment you said no is the moment it should've ended." She felt him tremble in her hands. What did that bastard do to Jim? The Jim she knew was proud. "Who is this he?"

"My ex," Jim admitted.

Aurelan had to admit that she had never thought Jim was bi, but if he was happy, nothing else matter, well, besides the fact he wasn't at that moment. "What are you talking about?"

"He broke up with me the moment I came back to the ship, because I was a bastard and cheated on him." Tears had started to soak the ground.

"No, Jim. You didn't." She didn't know who this man was, but she assumed he was the jackass First Officer that Jim didn't name. She wanted to beat the ass that had abandoned Jim when he needed. "Let me beat that mother fucker First Officer of yours." She held him tighter.

She would barely hear him over his sobbing. "He isn't a motherfucker. He's a Vulcan," Jim sniveled.

Now, that wasn't something she expected. "It doesn't matter. Whatever the fuck he is, he shouldn't have done that to you." She was referring to both of the jackasses in a way. "Do you want to continue?" She didn't want to cause him any more harm.

He didn't want to, but he felt he should. "W-when I turned my back, h-he knocked me out. I d-don't how l-long I was out, but when I-I came around, I was t-tied to the b-b-bed," he struggled to get it out. He had started to shake in her arms. "P-please, don't. D-don't make me r-relive it. P-p-please." He didn't think he would be able to get it out. The memory scared the shit out of him. He could remember every detail, and every time he remembered it, it felt like it was happening again. He felt himself crying out for the Dalenian to stop, but the man wouldn't listen. He didn't think he could tell anyone what that man did to him. Sure, he knew Selek knew everything, well that was because he went inside his mind and saw the memory.

"I won't." She decided she wouldn't leave. She would stay at his side as long as he needed her. "Breathe, Jim. Please, breathe. In. Out. In. Out."

"Thank you," Jim muttered as he buried himself into her arms. He didn't know what it was about this woman, but he felt safe, wanted. He needed that. "H-he was with me for the w-whole night, which was r-rather long as D-Dalenius's days are l-longer than Earth's." There was another pause. "I was l-later found by the A-Admiral, who n-noticed I wasn't at brunch and came l-looking for me. He found me t-tied to the b-bed and knew I was r-r-raped." He was holding onto her shirt for dear life. "I-I…" He had nothing to say.

"I would assume the Dalenian was charged." The admiral wouldn't have allowed their captain to be raped and do nothing.

"He was." His breath had become hollowed. The trial was almost as bad as the event itself, and he didn't want to relive it either. He wanted to put the whole event behind.

"So the bastard is in jail." Aurelan had decided that it was the safest place for that man, because if she ever saw him, she would murder him. There was no doubt to that.

"No," he uttered. It was barely there.

"What?" She also jumped. What? How could that have happened?

"H-he got off, because apparently in his culture it wasn't r-rape. The Federation couldn't touch him unless they went against regulations." If he didn't know better, he would've thought he was bipolar as anger overtook him. He pushed away from her arms and stormed to the railing as if he was interested in jumping. "Who would've thought a leaf tied to a rock meant he was claiming me as his mate? How does a rock give someone permission to r-rape someone?" He was beyond pissed. He wanted to kill someone.

Aurelan was startled. "What?"

"And apparently I accepted his claim, because I allowed him to set it in front of me." His nails had started to dig into his flesh. "I had no right to deny him after I had 'accepted' it."

Her mind was working out everything that he was saying. "So what does that mean? Are you married to him now or something?" Did she have to go to Dalenius and kill someone to set Kirk free?

"It was close, but the Federation wasn't going to let that happen, or rather Admiral Pike wasn't going to let them. I don't recall much besides yelling." He didn't want to recall what those blasted Federation officials almost did. Jim looked up to the stars that now haunted him. He missed his ship, and yes, he still referred to it as his ship. "The Dalenius Council knew they couldn't enforce it because of my lack of knowledge of their culture; however, that didn't mean they didn't try. They offered the Federation everything they wanted, and I could tell they were tempted, but Pike turned them down without a second thought." Jim closed his eyes. "I'm thankful to that man." That man had done a great deal for James T. Kirk. He was like a father to him.

"Jim," she uttered. He didn't say it, but it sounded like the Federation almost sold him out. "Jim, is that why you quit?" She came up next to him.

"It wasn't the main reason." He really was bipolar. He went from freaking out to anger to just plain uncaring. "I resigned, because I was a danger to the Enterprise." He wasn't going to allow his ship to be weakened by his presence. "What good is a captain who could have a meltdown any second? I lost count to how many times I broke down in my quarters after leaving the bridge. That can't happen on the bridge or any time really." It killed him to leave the only place he felt at home. "Besides, you can't lead if your crew doesn't trust or respect you. That can get people killed. That couldn't be allowed that to happen. I care for my crew too much." There, he went again. He was depressed.

"Why wouldn't your crew trust nor respect you?" She doubted any crew would turn on their captain if he was raped. If they did, they didn't deserve to be a part of Starfleet.

"They didn't know I was r-raped. They all assumed I cheated…I don't want to say sided, but that is what they did." Besides, it was never good when there was a disconnection between the commanding officers.

"Jim… Why didn't you tell them?"

His head fell. "I didn't want them to know that I was weak. That I allowed myself to be r-raped. And in a way, I thought I had cheated on that fucken Bastard." He was pissed off at Spock for not giving him chance, for abandoning him. How dare he? He also wanted to beat the shit out McCoy. They were all bastards.

"It wasn't your fault." He shook his head in disbelief. "The fact that you went along with the trial proves you're a strong person!" She tried everything, and she wouldn't stop until she got him on the right path.

"Besides, why would I tell them? They all turned their backs on me." He turned and walked away. "I don't need them."

Jim was ten feet down the pier before she knew what had happened. "You don't mean that. I know you care about them, and you know, you can't be angry with them, if you didn't tell them. How could they have known?"

"They didn't have to jump to conclusions. They could've let me explained, but they didn't. I may like it hard, but not that hard," he commented. He wanted to get away. He needed to get away. He didn't want to talk about himself anymore. "I tried, but they didn't want to listen. They lost all right."

"You were their captain. You could've made them listen, and don't tell me they lost all right, because you still care. I can see it in your eyes!" she yelled, bring them both to a stop.

"No, I don't. I hate them."

"If you didn't care for them, you couldn't hate them." Jim was glaring. "You should go to the Federation party, or whatever it is. Do or don't go back to the Starfleet, but going to this party will give you closure, and you need closure. You need to tell that life goodbye." Aurelan was wise beyond her years.

"How do you know about that party?" He narrowed his eyes. He would be lying if he said this conversion didn't help him. Talking to Aurelan did help. Knowing that someone cared made him feel alive again.

"Sam."

"He needs to shut his mouth."

"You should go."

Jim didn't respond for a few seconds. He didn't know if he agreed just to shut her up, or to because he wanted to go "Fine, but I'm not going back to Starfleet. I'm only going back so I can beat the shit out of my old First Officer and my Chief Medical Officer, and there'll be Alcohol, free Alcohol." Maybe, this would be good for him. He needed to get pass this and live his life. He needed to stop the hell he was putting himself through. If he wasn't going to change for himself, he wasn't ever going to change. Talking to Aurelan was a step in the right direction, and now, he just needed to keep on the next direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case, you were wondering about the planet I mention in this, I had made it up. Yes, I have research different planets, but none fit what I needed, so I thought it would be best to make up. I do hope that doesn't bug anyone of you too much.


	8. The Mistakes of the Mind

James T. Kirk really didn't know why he was here. He knew that he said he was going to go, but as he sat in the spaceport, he started to doubt his decision. Wait, let's face it, he doubted his decision the second he made it. It wouldn't help him, or so he thought. How could it help him, when he was so against the idea? Besides, why would he want to be near the crew of the _Enterprise_? Not only were they disrespectful (an unworthy trait in a Starfleet crew), they had turned their backs on him, without a chance to explain, so why should he give them a chance? They didn't need to know the truth. It wouldn't change anything; it wouldn't bring him back. Also, he didn't want to tell them, and he certainly didn't want their pity. He didn't think he would be able to take it, if they knew.

"What do you mean that there're no flights?"

He would be lying, if he said he didn't like it. The lack of a craft gave him an excuse. It wouldn't be his fault if he didn't make it. Jim picked up his head and looked toward Aurelan, who was arguing with the poor man behind the counter. He had been sitting there for hours, as she tried to arrange a flight to the gala. She came with him to the spaceport, because she knew he wouldn't do it himself, and she was right. Without her encouragement, there was no way in hell that he would be getting on any plane.

"That's unacceptable. I need a craft now, not three days from now," Aurelan hissed, leaning over the counter.

"The last flight left over an hour ago for the Dreon system, and there won't be another flight for a few days." The man looked like he had the day from hell.

"There has to be something!"

"There're no other civilian ships. I'm sorry," the man said.

Toning out the two, he stared at his black leather jacket before glancing around the port. It wasn't a busy day, but there was still a few people hanging around. A few families were present, but Jim wasn't watching them. Instead, he was watching the people in the uniforms. This spaceport wasn't just for civilian, looking to vacation off-planet; Starfleet also used this port for their ships. It wasn't largely used by Starfleet's ships; however, he didn't like it. He knew way too faces, and there was no doubt that they knew his. He didn't know why it mattered if they knew he was there, considering he was attending that stupid, bloody event for those new federal planets, or was it just the one planet. He wasn't sure of anything involving the event (like the name). He had no idea of where they were going. He was surprised that Aurelan knew, but he should've known better, considering she was a genius. If he were still a captain, he would want her on his ship. Her mind would come in handy.

But he wasn't a captain; he wouldn't need to worry about the quality of his crew. He didn't have to worry about his ship or lifesaving missions. No one's life hanged in his hand, and his consequences were (mostly) all his own. He was risking no one but his own… He dug deeper into himself. He didn't care about the difficulties that came with being a captain. He didn't care that he risked his life every single day. He didn't care about the stress. None of that matter to him, because he was doing something that mattered. His life was worth something when he was Captain.

_Calm down, Jim._ He told himself, as his breathing became shadow. Angry and angsty thoughts filled his head, affecting every fiber in his body. _Calm down,_ he told himself again. There was no telling what he may do when he was like this, but he did have an idea. No one was worthy of that monster, well besides McCoy and Spock. He took a deep breath. He needed to calm himself down. Picking up his head, he eyed the crowd, who weren't scarred like him. He was jealous, but he knew he had no one to blame except himself. It was his fault that he was here.

"It's settled."

Jim had literally jumped a few feet in the air. "What?" he muttered, setting himself back in his seat. He didn't see or sense her approach, which only meant he was losing his touch. Aurelan had a smile on her face, which seemed weird considering there no way they were getting to that thing, but Jim didn't mind.

"It's settled," she repeated.

*O*O*

* * *

After sending the assistant away so they could deal with the personal issue, silence had appeared. It didn't matter that they were father and son. It didn't matter that they shared blood. It didn't matter what they felt, because even Vulcans feel. Some would say that they felt more deeply than humans did; they just didn't wear their emotions like humans.

Spock didn't know how to start a conversation with his father that wasn't business. It didn't matter what he was feeling, when he left Selek. The minute he saw his father he lost all fight. There was something about his father that made him feel like a child, a useless child. He hated that feeling, but it couldn't compare to how much he hated himself for what he did to Jim.

"What is on your mind, Spock?" Sarek asked, breaking the silence. Keeping the silent would be a waste of time, and it would be illogical to let it go on, even with the situation.

The question sat for a few seconds. There were many things on his mind, but Jim Kirk was main focus. Spock was tempted to say that it would be unwise to unleash his mind, but speaking his mind was the main purpose of his visit. He wanted, or rather demanded, to know why Kirk went to his father and not him. "Jim Kirk."

Sarek's expression did not change. "What about Kirk?" As any father would, he had a vision of what he wanted for his son: his son bonded with a female Vulcan from a noble family. He knew it would never happen, as it wasn't his path. Spock never belonged on Vulcan, where everyone treated him with disgust. He wished that he could change the past, but he could not.

Spock stepped forward. "Why did Kirk come to you?"

"That conversation is none of your concern," he answered. He never had anything against the young man; in fact, it was the opposite. He did like Kirk, even if he never admitted it. He was a wise, respectable, honest man, but he wasn't the person he saw his son with; however, Kirk had all the characteristics for a good mate. "Meditation would be wise, Spock."

He was never Vulcan enough for his father. "I am not a child. Do not tell me what to do." He was on a mission.

"It seems that someone has to. You are being emotional."

Anger had started to flow through his veins. "Why did Kirk come to you after he was raped?"

Though Spock's anger was present in his voice, it wasn't what stroke Sarek. Spock sounded weak as he voiced the true. "He wished to tell me himself that your relationship was over," he said, not bothering to ask how he knew. It would serve no purpose.

"I never realized that you were speaking." Anger never suited a Vulcan.

Sarek turned from his son. "Kirk is an honorable man, a suitable husband for any person." He paused. "He wished for me know the truth. He believed I had a right to know that…how did he put it, my son 'was up for grabs.' He assumed that I would be happy about your relationship ending. 'Now, you can hook him up with a Vulcan like you always wanted to,' he told me." After a few seconds of silence, he turned back to his son and spoke; "I did not believe that." He believed Kirk was good for his son. "You had done Kirk a great wrong, and I am ashamed of you." He had started to consider Kirk family.

"Father," Spock uttered, as his anger left him.

"Leave me."

"…Yes, father," he replied. Though Sarek never really answered his question, he knew the answer. Kirk was noble, and he was not. Kirk had done right by his father, as he had not. Spock left the room without another word and went straight to his room. Selek was not waiting for his return, but Spock knew the old Vulcan had other things to attend to; however, that wasn't comforting. Spock felt alone, completely alone.

*O*O*

* * *

It took a few seconds for what Aurelan was telling him to sink it. It wasn't that he doubted her skills. He just never expected her to be able to secure a flight, but apparently, that was the case. He wasn't sure how she was able to. "So I hope your soul was worth it," he teased. He was still curious. He doubted that Aurelan had the money to charter a flight, not that he put it past her.

She laughed. "I didn't sell my soul, and I wouldn't just to get your ugly ass to that Federation Event. Sorry, I like you, but I don't like you that much."

"Ouch," he chuckled. He really did chuckle. Though she had 'insulted' him, he was enjoying her company. He missed the friendships- not the people- that he had on the Enterprises. He missed the banter. He missed the jokes. He missed the laughs. He was grateful to Aurelan for giving him the laughs. "And my ass is not ugly. I can give you about," he paused, as if to count, "forty people who would disagree with you."

"They don't count if they slept with you," she joked.

Sam was an idiot, and if Jim ever saw him again, he would tell him that he shouldn't have let her go…He would also tell him that he was sorry. He was wrong, and he wanted his brother back. Shaking the thought out of his head, he smirked. "I only slept with about half of them, but there are at least twenty people, who I didn't, that would agree with me." Sure, most people who had seen his ass had slept with him, but there were a few incidences where it was an accident. He never expected that a girl at his high school would decide to dare the whole cheerleading team to run through the male locker-room, when he had just dropped his pants. He never expected his brother to depants him at a school dance. He never expected McCoy to invite people over at the same time that he had decided to dance around the dorm room naked. He never expected Cadet (at the time) Uhura and a few of her friends to steal all of the cloths and towels in the changing room, making him run naked back to his dorms. He also never expected to lose at strip poker one night on the Enterprise. He never expected any of these things to happen, but he did have a laugh at them. "However, they did want to sleep with me after seeing my beautiful ass." At times, Jim had quite the ego.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "I bet you couldn't wait to sleep with them."

"Hey, hey, you make me sound like a whore," he joked, but the word strung as it came out. He knew there were a few people, who thought that about him, and he hated to think that he had lost his two closet friends over something like that, but he had no one to blame besides himself. He was the one, who decided he was going to give a relationship a chance; he should've known it wouldn't have worked out. He would still be on the Enterprise, regardless of the rape, if he never dated Spock. No one would've thought he was a cheater. "I was just passing out the joy."

They both laughed at that, knowing it was all a joke. She didn't think he was whore, and he knew that. "Anyways, our ship is leaving in a few minutes, so we better start heading to the transporter."

Making sure his jeans sit properly, Jim stood up slowly (pulling them up as he stood) and threw his bag over his shoulder. "Wait. Did you say we?" He never expected her to come with him, not when she had a job, an important job.

Aurelan smiled. "You didn't think I would let you go alone, now did you?" He nodded. "I couldn't let you face this alone," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go." They started to walk.

This woman was something else. He didn't know what, but he would guess that she was an angel. She was everything that he needed, and he would be forever grateful to her. "So if you didn't sell your soul for my ass, how did you get a flight? There're no more citizen ships," he asked, eyeing the place.

"Keyword, citizen."

He froze. "What?" He had no interest in stepping a foot on a Starship. It would be too painful. "No."

"Jim," she muttered, as she placed a hand on his shoulder.

Shaking it off, he stared deep into her eyes. "NO, I'll NOT step foot on a Starfleet vessel, not after what happened." How could she even think that?

Aurelan knew it was risky, but they had no other choice in the matter. There was only ship leaving Earth for the Dreon system in time, and it was the U.S.S. Constellation. "Jim, I know it isn't the best, but it will get us there."

He knew that he was being stupid. Why would it matter that he was traveling on a Starfleet vessel, when he was going to a Federation Event, where there would be tons of Starfleet Officers? Maybe, it was the fact that he disliked Starfleet now. Maybe, it was the fact that he really did miss being captain. His head fell. That was part of it, but it could be the fact that the ship was the same class as the Enterprise. They were too much alike for his tastes. "No," he said, taking a step back from Aurelan.

He was so close to running, but he couldn't. He was so sick of being weak, of running away. Why did he have to be like this? Why had his strength disappeared? He used to captain a whole damn ship, without fear, but now he was afraid of his own shadow. He was too worried about making a mistake. He wanted to crawl into a whole and just die, well not die per se. It was this that he knew it was a good thing that he resigned, thinking about his present state. A captain needed to be strong and perfect, which he was not.

"I don't know what's going through your head, but-"

"Let me think," he said. His breathing was stressed. Was he going to let fear control him _again_? Was he going to let that bastard control him, even now? No, he wasn't. It was time that things changed, even if he didn't have an idea of how he was going to do that, but for starters, he wasn't going to let his fear stop him. He was in control of himself, no one else. It was his life.

"We don't have time for you to think. The U.S.S. Constellation is leaving in a few minutes." She doubted that they would leave without them, but she didn't want to push their luck. It was good fortune that she even got them to agree to it. She knew it had to do with the fact that one of them was Jim Kirk. It seemed like they really wanted him to attend the event. She knew nothing of politics, but it played a part it this.

Jim picked up his head and nodded.

Aurelan smiled.

*O*O*

* * *

Thought it had become a standard thing and somewhat annoying, he did at times enjoy his atoms being ripped apart from each other, while beaming aboard a ship. Beaming turned him into a philosopher as he contemplated what life was really like, and how easily it could be taken apart.

Beaming was in no way a simple process, and it could turn deadly at any seconds as atoms fused back together. (Many people had lost their lives, because the machine was 'acting up.') There was no telling what could happen if something were to happen during a beaming; however, Jim still enjoyed it. Thought it was a puzzling and strange feeling to have your atoms arranged into light, it was refreshing. It took the whole wind in your hair to a completely new level. He smiled as he felt his Atoms start stir (though there was really no feeling); it brought back pleasant memories of his time on the Enterprise (before the evil, evil event). It gave him hope or rather it fooled him into thinking that everything was fine, thought it wasn't no matter what anyone thought.

Though it only lasted mere seconds, it felt like heaven. He didn't want to open his eyes as he felt his senses returning, but he couldn't just stand there with his eyes closed. Forcing his cerulean eyes open, the transporter room was revealed to him. At first, he didn't notice the crew, who eyed him curiously, as they wondered why the famous Captain had retired. His pleasant sensation from the beaming vanished as he took in the room. He felt betrayed at the sight of it. The U.S.S. Constellation was a constitution class starship just like the U.S.S. Enterprise, meaning they were constructed under the same design. Though the Enterprise was a newer (in order words more advanced) ship, there were differences, but overall the ships looked simpler, and that applied to this very room. It reminded Jim all too much of the Enterprise.

Stepping off the transport pad, he turned his attention to the officers. There were a total of four officers: three red shirts (who operated the controls), and one gold shirt (who was the Captain of the ship). Jim knew this, because he knew the man personally. "Hello, Captain Kirk."

His name brought him out of his thoughts. "There's no need for that, Captain Decker," he responded. "I'm no longer a Captain." He would be lying if he said it didn't hurt.

Decker stared at Jim for a few seconds before he let his smile show. "You may no longer be Captain of a ship, but you'll always be a Captain."

Jim didn't know if he agreed with that. He would need to have some stability in his life for that to be true. "In any case, you can just call me Kirk. I need no title," he responded, deciding not to address it.

"Alright," he responded. "If that's what you liked." It was common practice to address a retired officer by his or her rank. It was a sign of respect.

"It is," Jim said, eyeing Decker. He had met the thirty something man four years ago, just after he had joined Starfleet. Pike had made Jim attend a summit (because he thought he would learn something) in which Decker was present; however, meeting the man wasn't something he expected. Decker, shore leave at the time, wasn't invited to speak, but he had something to say. He was strongly interested in the summit topic and he felt like Starfleet was mistaken in this area. Decker made some enemy as he spoke out, loudly; however, that was what attracted Jim to him, which was something that Pike didn't like.

Decker eyed him for a second, remembering the rebellious Captain Kirk. His eyes shifted the companion, who had remained forgotten until then. "So you must be Ms. Swift. You had been quite the nuisance." His smile revealed that he wasn't annoyed.

"I wouldn't say I'm a nuisance," Aurelan muttered. "I knew what I wanted, and I went for it." Eyeing the man, she pushed her brunette curls behind her head.

"Well, you caused quite a stir," Decker commented, taking a few steps toward her. He stared at her for a few seconds, before turning to Jim. "But we were already acting like a transport service for Deon," he commented, slapping Jim's shoulder. "So, we were able to help out."

Aurelan put on her best smile. "Thank you."

"It was no problem," Decker said, pulling Jim into his arms. "Anything for this man."

Jim fought the growl that was in his throat. Decker was always like this, but it hadn't ever been this annoying before. It didn't have anything to do with Decker, but rather, it was Jim's overactive emotions. He was really getting sick of them, tired of them controlling him. "Well, thanks, Decker," Jim teased. "I always wondered if you liked me." He forced out a laugh, which sparkled Decker into laugher.

"I miss you, kid," the Captain commented, placing a firm grab on his shoulder. "Let's me walk you to your quarters, and Ensign Farrell, can you show Ms. Swift to her room."

"Yes, Sir."

Jim knew what that meant. Decker wanted to talk to him, and it was something personal, but he didn't have much choice. Decker was able to direct him without trouble out of the transport room, after he had contact his number one telling him that they were clear to leave.

There wasn't much conversation between them as they walked through the Constellation. Kirk was too busy staring at the ship that reminded him of the Enterprise, and Decker was staring at him, as if he was studying him. There was a lot of mystery around his leave, sparking many rumors (most weren't pretty). Decker knew Kirk well enough to know that none of the rumors were true, though. He doubted that Kirk would really do half of those things, and he seriously doubted that Kirk was dying of some rare alien STDS. It had to be something else, because there was no way that that could've killed Kirk's spirit. He wouldn't have quit over that, so it had to be something much worse.

By the time they had reached the assigned quarters, many things had crossed Decker's mind. That was his problem: he thought too much. He should let things die. If the kid didn't want to talk about it, he shouldn't make him. Besides, he had other things to worry about, but that didn't explain why he was still there. "Here we go, Kirk," he said, showing him in. "It isn't like the Captain's quarters-not that they're anything great, but you know."

Kirk laughed. "I know, Captain." Stepping farther into the room, he took it in. "It'll be just fine." It was hard to judge what he was thinking, as he dropped his small bag on the bed. It was small room, but it had everything that he needed: a desk, computer, bed, and its own bathroom. The bed was cattycorner from the desk, while the bathroom was across from the desk. A dresser, which Kirk probably wouldn't use, set next to the desk.

"Well then, I'm glad you like it. I wasn't sure if it was big enough for your ego," he teased, trying to get something out of the man.

"What is it with people and attacking my ego? There's nothing wrong with a planet size ego. Now, a solar system ego is another story."

Decker didn't know how to ask it, but he was interested in Kirk's story. "Some could disagree with that." How could someone approach that topic? Shaking his head, he decided to drop it for another time. He had time; it would take about 22.5 hours to arrive at the colony, where the event was being held. "Alright, I'll-"

"You know you can just split it out. I promise I won't bite."

The Captain started at Kirk's head, wondering if he was overly readable. "There's no fooling you."

"Nope," he said with a second of hesitation. "Now, what is it?"

Decker knew he had to step carefully. He really hated moments like these; he never knew what to say. Somehow someway, he always ended up with a foot in his mouth. "Why did you leave Starfleet?"

The young man walked to the monitor in the room, which showed the emptiness of space. "The million dollar question. That was what I thought you were going to ask." Kirk looked up and smiled at Decker; it was a weak smile.

"Kirk," Decker muttered, trying to get a reading on the situation. It was clear he didn't want to talk about it and he wasn't going to force him.

"Would you believe me if I said it was stress for being promoted too soon?"

It was a clear lie. He knew firsthand how hard being a captain was, but he knew the second he saw Kirk that there was nothing that could stop him. The Enterprise's record spoke to that. Kirk was unstoppable. "If you say it is, then yes," he answered, knowing it was the answer that Kirk wanted. He wasn't sure if it was what he need, but he knew it wouldn't do any good to push the boy.

There was something in his eyes that Decker couldn't read, when he made eye contact with Kirk. "Thank You." Decker stared at him for a few seconds. This boy (who was far from being a boy) was something else.

"Bridge to Decker." The words brought both them back to reality.

"Decker here," he replied after a second. He had other things to worry about, and it was calling.

*O*O*

* * *

He knew Decker was going to ask him that question the second he walked him to his quarters. Sure, they were friends, but that didn't mean that a Captain walked civilians to their rooms. Captains had other important things to do with their times, so it was clear that Decker wanted to talk. Jim hated it when people wanted to talk about _it_ , but he was glad that he didn't push. Pushing would mean it was still there. He just wanted to forget about it. Move on. Be his old self again. "I need…I need to get over this," Jim muttered to himself. "Anyway possible."

It was a dangerous thing to think along those lines; with those words, a person allowed themselves to do almost anything. At this point, Jim _was_ willing to do anything to forget about _it_. "I wonder," he muttered as he lay in bed, staring at the stars on the monitor. He had toyed with the idea of asking Selek to ease the memory of _it_ , but he never put much thought into it afterwards. Though he doubted the old Vulcan would do that, he still wondered. Selek had done a great deal for him. Maybe, he would do this for him.

He rolled to his side, away from the monitor. He stared at the metal walls as he thought about Selek. _Why couldn't Spock be like him?_ They were the same person, but they were different. Maybe, it came with old age, or maybe, it had to do with Jim's counterpart. That Kirk must've trained Selek well, and Jim thanked his counterpart for that. He didn't know what would've happened, if Selek wasn't there for him. When he first called Selek, he thought he was being a burden to the old Vulcan, who had other things to worry about that were more important than he, so he didn't called after that, but Selek called him the next day. It surprised Jim at first, but Selek convinced him that he wasn't a burden and that he deeply cared for him. He called him every day that Jim didn't. It meant a lot to Jim, and it was what had gotten him through his final days on the Enterprise. He kept Jim going, because he didn't want to let him down, like everyone else.

Grabbing his pillow, he pulled it over his head. "Ugh!" He hated the last month on the Enterprise. He hated how he felt, and even with Selek's consistent calling, he felt alone. Sure, he felt alone in Iowa during those weeks he spend there, but it was nothing compared to what he felt on the Enterprise, his home. He had no one to turn to, when he needed it. They had all turned away from him…not all, but it felt like it. Chekov and Scotty were some of the few that didn't. He didn't confided in them, but talking to them about news or Enterprise related items helped. They didn't push for anything else, because they knew if he wanted to talk about it, he would. For that, he was grateful. They were probably the reason why he stayed as long as he did.

Tossing and turning in his bed, he tried to get some sleep, but his mind kept him up, as it wandered to Sarek. He didn't know why his brain flashed to him, but he wondered what went through that Vulcan's mind, when he told him what had happened. Unlike with Spock or Selek, he couldn't read that Vulcan. "Ugh," he muttered again. Why did he care? Why care now? He knew there was a chance he could see him soon, considering everyone was invite to this thing. (At least, he could see Selek again.)

Settling on his back, he stared up to the ceiling as he tried to organize his thoughts. _"Your son's up for grabs."_ The words replayed over in his head. Those words were the first thing that Jim said to Sarek as he opened his door. There was no expression on the old Vulcan's face as Jim said those words, but he knew that there was something going on in that impressive mind.

Just a few days before the rape trial, the Enterprise had stopped at New Vulcan to pick up Selek, who had requested transport to Earth. According to the really old Vulcan, he had business on Earth, but Jim knew the truth. He wanted to be there with him as he took the stand, in which Jim was grateful. He would've never asked himself, but it seemed like Selek knew what he needed. Anyways, with the help of Scotty, Jim beamed down to New Vulcan just before Selek was beam aboard without anyone knowing, so he could talk to Sarek in person. He wanted to tell him himself that his relationship was over and he could now offer up his son to some random Vulcan chick.

"Ugh," he muttered yet again. The only thing that Sarek gave off was the guessing eye, as he spoke to him. _"James Kirk, your lack of matters is appalling."_ He threw his arms over his eyes, as he thought about that day. He would be lying if he said he was cheerful and inviting that day. He wasn't a nightmare, but he was very close to it.

_"I don't care about my manners at the moment."_ Thinking back on it, he wished he'd acted differently. He knew if someone had come to his door when he was like that, he would've told him to fuck off and not invite him in. Somehow for some reason, Sarek had invited him.

_"They are what separate us from animals."_ Jim knew Sarek was right, but that didn't help the situation. It really did not. Everything was building up at that point.

His hand flung to his side looking for the pillow to cover his face. _"Well, then you should be happy that Spock and I had broken up; now, you can hook him up with a Vulcan, with manners, like you always wanted to."_ He pulled the pillow over his face, as so many thoughts floated through his mind. He just wanted to sleep, but it seemed that his mind was too worked up.

_Sarek expression softened. "I was unaware that Spock and you had ended your courtship."_ Even now, Jim was surprised that Spock never told his father, though he knew Spock and Sarek didn't have a good relationship, even after the destruction of Vulcan. However, he expected Spock to tell his father, as he had told everyone else (not that he told anyone. His actions spoke volume.)

There wasn't much to say in response. _"What?"_ Jim grabbed the pillow and threw it against the wall, and hid under the blanket, which gave some kind of comfort. Why hadn't he told his father about their breakup? Could it have been to avoid the 'I told you so?' Jim shook his head. Spock wasn't like that…

_"Spock has not informed me of this," Sarek said, as he studied Jim._ He could never understand why Vulcans felt the need to repeat themselves after someone had spouted the word what.

_"Of course, he didn't!" Jim shook his head, as he went off into string of curse words._ He didn't know what Sarek thought of him, but he didn't want him to think too badly of him. _It took a few seconds for him to calm down. "He's an idiot."_

_Sarek had given him a questioning look, knowing that his son was not stupid. "Spock has an IQ of-"_

" _I know! I meant that he's…" Jim paused, trying to find a word that would explain. "I know he isn't stupid, just an idiot." Another questioning look. " I mean… Ah!" The Vulcan had Jim talking in circles, which ended with Jim telling him the truth. "He believed I cheated on him, but I didn't. I… was r-raped." His voice was small._ Rape was a serious crime in the federation, but in the Vulcan culture, it was worse, ten times wore. He shook his head under the blanket as he skipped forward into the conversion. _"I know you don't like me, but I expected more from you." Jim had mutterer, after receiving little feedback from him._

_"You were not the one I saw my son with, but I never desired this," Sarek commented. It was clear that he was taken back, but Jim was blinded to it._

_"So what did you desire?" Jim asked, as anger rose inside of him. He had started for the door. He heard something out of Sarek's mouth, but he couldn't make it out as he stormed out._

After pulling the blanket from his head, his stare returned to the monitor. He didn't know why he thought going to see him would help. It didn't do anything but make him feel worse. "Why? Why do I care?" he asked, wondering again, why he was thinking about this. It didn't affect him anymore. As he thought about it, he didn't notice his eyes lid fall, and darkness over take him.

*O*O*

* * *

Having not spoken to Jim since the accident, Selek had decided to hail him at his home address again. He disliked not having talked to Jim in such a long time, especially when Jim's emotions were all over the place. It was dangerous to leave Jim alone at this time. Selek had tried to call before but he was either never home or someone else answered, like Winona Kirk. He didn't know her very well in his time, but she was different. If he didn't know better, he would have thought that she was a completely different person. In this time, she wasn't his biggest fan, which showed in the hospital, but he did not understand why.

There were a few minute delays before his hail went through, but it came with being on a starship. The security was high, but that was expected. When the call connected, it rang for a few minutes, but Selek waited patiently, giving time for Jim to answer. After a few seconds, he sighed, not reaching him again, and stood from the chair. If this kept up, he would make a trip to Earth to check on Jim. He would-could-not let anything happen to Jim.

However, he might not have to make the trip, as his call was taken. Making his way over to monitor, he was delighted that it wasn't Winona, but to his dislike, it wasn't Jim either. If his memory was correct, it was Sam, his brother, who had died by neural parasite in his time. It was a relief to see him alive. After a weird exchanging of greeting, Selek spoke, "I wish to talk to Jim Kirk."

"He's not here," Sam said, as he looked over the Vulcan.

Selek wondered if he was like his mother and lying about Jim's location. He had no idea why Winona disliked him; it was quite illogical. He stared at the man, trying to read his expression. His time with humans had equipped him for reading human's expression.

"I'm not lying. Unlike my mother, I don't care who talks to Jim. He's a grown man."

"I was not implying that you were." Selek's glance left Sam and wandered around the background. The house looked like it hadn't seen a cleaning instrument in months.

Sam folded his hands across his chest. "I could see your doubt." He shifted as in annoyance.

Selek took a breath, pondering if he had lost his touch. He knew Jim had no trouble reading him, but that was a different story. "I did not mean to offend. I only wished to speak to Jim. If you only-"

"I do not know where he is," he said, cutting him off.

"When he comes back, can you give him a message?" He did not know how reliable Sam Kirk was, but he would leave a message, in the hopes (as illogical as it was) that he would hear it.

"No."

Selek narrowed his eyes. He really didn't understand humans, granted that he was half-human. "May I inquire why not? I do not see why you are keeping me from contacting Jim."

Sam's expression changed. "I'm not my mother, and I find it insulting that you would assume that I would withhold calls from my baby brother." His tone clearly revealed how annoyed he was. "…I can't give him your message, because I don't know where he is. He just took off a few days ago."

"I did not mean insult. I was simply-"

Once again, Sam cut him off. "It's fine. I'm just grumpy. It's this situation. I didn't mean to take it out on you." Releasing a sigh, he took a breath. "I'm the reason why Jim took off. We got into a huge fight…Our tempers got the better of us. It's a trait of us Kirk man." He paused. "I hate myself for what I said to him, and I wish I could take it back, but… Jim took off to god knows were, and I doubt that he's coming back." Sam shook his head. "I was an idiot. I should've beaten Frank, not Jim. The shit he was saying to Jim. What kind of big brother am I?"

The old Vulcan could never understand why humans would just spout off to a random stranger, especially a Vulcan. Though he never expected it, he was interested in Sam's comments about Frank and Jim.

Sam looked at Selek, with a puzzling expression. "I don't know what Jim went through before his resignation from Starfleet, but I know it was bad. I recognized the pain in Jim's eyes. I doubted you will tell me what it was." Sam took a deep breath, as if he was waiting for Selek to jump in. "I also don't know why my mother dislikes you, because you must care for Jim. Vulcans don't befriend easy, and for Jim to gain that, he must mean something important to you. I wouldn't keep him from you. You could easy kill me, with that super Vulcan's strength." He chuckled

Selek knew Jim and his brother had a strained relationship at best, but to hear the older Kirk say this, he knew he cared for his brother.

"If I hear from my brother, I'll tell him you called."

"Thank you," Selek responded. It wasn't what he expected, but he was grateful. With that, Selek closed the feed.

Standing from the desk chair, he walked over his mat. He needed mediation after that conversion. He was more worried for Jim than before, if that was possible, and now he wondered what his stepfather said to him. He wished he could speak to Jim and check his welfare. He disliked being disconnected with Jim. He had the desired to kidnap (not that he expected resistance) Jim and bring him back to New Vulcan, where he could keep an eye on him. Steadying his breaths, he relaxed himself, and he closed his eyes, thinking about that.

A few hours later, Selek opened his eyes to a ding at his door. Standing up, he walked over to the door and opened it to reveal McCoy. At first, he was surprised, but he knew no one else would come to his door, well besides Pitts or Sarek. "Hello, Doctor."

"Selek," he responded in his southern accent. "May I come in?"

"You may." Selek stepped to side, letting McCoy entered. McCoy from his time would've just entered, with some insult that he didn't mean (well half of the time). Studying the good Doctor, he could tell the man was stress and hadn't slept. From that, he knew what he wanted. "This is about Jim," he stated after the door had closed.

"You bet your Vulcan ass, it is." McCoy stared at him.

"I do not know where he is." It was the truth.

"But I bet you've spoken to him."

Selek walked past him to his desk. "Yes, but it been over a month since our last conversion." _And it had not ended well._ His mind flashed back to the hospital.

McCoy followed him. "Tell me."

"Tell you what, Doctor?"

"What happened to him and whether he's okay?"

Selek turned to face him, speculating about the consequences that would be if he told him. Spock knew, so it would make logical sense that McCoy would know soon; however, that was balancing on a few things. In this time, he was not sure of Spock and McCoy's relationship. Were they even on speaking terms? His McCoy and he hardly got along. And, it also depended on Spock's emotional status at the moment. "Jim is as expected."

"Really? That's how you're going to respond?" McCoy threw his hands in the air. "You can't find another response? I know he's as expected, considering that's what Starfleet has been telling me for weeks. I just want to know what happened to my friend. Is that too much to ask?" He had started to pace around the room. To Selek, he looked like a human animal, the bull.

"I suggest you rest. Your body will shut down without the necessities, like sleep." Selek was convinced that he should wait. He needed to talk to Jim, before he took his next step.

The doctor stopped and narrowed his eyes at Selek. "Sleep? Who could fucken sleep? My friend's missing. Sure, I know I had done a lot to lose the ability to call Jim my friend, but I still worry about that infant."

"You have."

McCoy stepped to the Vulcan. "You don't need to remind me! I just want to know if Jim's okay!"

Lying was never his strong suit, but he knew the answer that McCoy needed. He would give it to him for his sanity as well as Jim's. Though Jim would never admit it, he still cared for McCoy. (If he didn't, he wouldn't be so angry with him.) He wouldn't want to see him like this. "He's adapting well."

The man snorted. "I doubt that. Being Captain was his dream."

"It was, but things have changed. It is time that you accept that and move on, Mr. McCoy."

"I'll when I see him face to face."

Selek felt sorry for the man, no matter how illogical it was. "He does not wish to see or talk to you. You need to worry about this ship and not your illogical emotional attachment to Jim."

If it was possible, McCoy exploded. It was amazing that he hadn't hit the old Vulcan yet. "That wasn't what you told Spock…Urgh... And, I'll care about Jim to the day I die!"

His words had ranged in Selek's head. "It was true that there was something more to the memory, but it was not the answer you wanted." He believed he was digging the hole that most humans talked about. The true would come out, now that Spock knew, and there was nothing that he would do to stop it. McCoy would find out, but at least he would be rested. "If you care about Jim, then take care of yourself. I would doubt that he would want you in this state."

"Fine, whatever! Don't help," McCoy yelled as he stormed out of the room.

Selek took a deep breath, wondering he had done the right thing.

*O*O*

* * *

He rolled to his side, starting to wake. It took a few minutes to regain his senses, and he was amazed how relaxed he was. Jim hadn't slept this well in a long time, and it brought a smile to his face. Slowing opening his eyes, he faced the wall, not wanting to move. He felt this comfortable, and half of him wondered if it had to do with the ship. The Enterprise could always 'rock' him to sleep in ways that nothing else could.

Jim had no desired to leave the warm comfort of the bed, and he had no reason to leave, which brought another smile to his face. He had nowhere to be at the moment, and he enjoyed that feeling. He could lie in bed as long as he wanted. That made it more comfortable and relaxing. The thoughts of last night (Was it last night? He wasn't sure, considering he had no idea of how long he was out, and they were in space) didn't even cross his mind. He had no worry in the world; it was freeing.

Rotating to his other side, his eyes wondered around his room. It took him a second to realize that there was something in his room that wasn't there before he fell asleep. Jumping to a sitting position, he froze, as a pair of eyes seized him. He didn't know what to do. He was starting to freak out. Who the hell was in his room? He couldn't see very well, but the eyes were clear as day. "Hello," he said, with best effort not to sound weak.

"I was wondering when you're going to wake up. You've been out since you got here, 12 hours ago."

The first thought that passed his mind was wow. He had no idea that he slept that long, which was something he wasn't even been able to do. He remembered only two times, when that happened, and that was because he was exhausted. He hadn't been sleeping well, since leaving the Enterprise. That wasn't surprising as it was home. Second was the owner of the voice. He knew the person, who he hadn't seen in a while. "Gary Mitchell, it has been awhile," Jim replied.

"It has." Gary turned away to turn and to the monitor.

Jim kicked his legs over the bed, happy that he had fallen asleep wearing clothes. This situation would've been awkward if he hadn't. "I didn't know you were serving on this ship. Heck, I didn't know you graduated yet."

"Yep." He turned back to Jim, as he stood up. "I been station on this ship for a few months."

"Really."

"So, Jim, do you want to have a tour of the ship, not that you need it, as you were Captain of an constitution class yourself, but you might enjoy getting out of this room," Gary said, changing the subject. "I know I wouldn't want to be stuck in my room for ten hours. I-"

"You're rambling." Jim said, standing. Straightening himself out, he wondered what was up with Gary. He normally wasn't like this.

"Sorry."

Jim waved him off. "Let's go." He had the weird feeling that he wasn't going to like the conversion, as they walked out of his quarters.

*O*O*

* * *

After Jim had pushed the weirdness of the day away, he was able to enjoy the tour of the Constellation. Gary seemed to really enjoy giving the tour, which spoke volumes to how much he loved the ship. Jim could understand, as he loved the Enterprise. There were a few major differences which Jim noticed; one was the science labs. On the Enterprise, the labs were more expansive, meaning simply that they were much larger; however, that was not to say that the Constellation Science department wasn't impressive, because it was, which was why Aurelan had took refuge there. Jim was surprised at first to find her there, but he could see the joy on her face. She was a child in a candy store. He made sure that his and Gary's arrival was left unnoticed by her. He didn't want to bother her, knowing from his prior relationship that she would not want to be bothered, while in the lab.

Instead of bugging Aurelan, Gary took him to engineering, which was also different. Though the speeds of both ships were even, the engines were of a different design. As the Constellation was built sooner, it didn't originally have speed the Enterprise had, and it had to be upgraded. After that, Gary took him to others labs, but they didn't spend as much time in those labs. Lastly, Gary had asked him if he wanted to see the Bridge, assuming that Decker wouldn't mind, but Jim had turned him down. He had no interest of stepping foot on any bridge and seeing the captain's chair, even if it wasn't _his_ chair.

After the 5.45 hour tour (It was a large ship), Jim and Gary found themselves in one of few observation decks. Jim was staring intently at the stars that were far more impressive than he remembered. Gary was sitting on one the benches, staring at Jim's head.

"So why did you do?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.

Jim had been wondering when he was going to be asked that question. He didn't think Gary would wait this long, but maybe, he thought that he would get a better response after the tour. "So was this why you creepily came to my quarters and watched me sleep?" That still bugged him. Who stared at a person so intently like that, when they were sleeping?...Someone came to mind.

Gary narrowed his eyes. "I didn't mean to watch you sleep," he said harshly. "You didn't answer, so I came in to see if you were okay. You were okay, as far as I could tell."

"So why did you stay?" Jim turned his head slightly.

Gary stood and took a step toward Jim. "You looked close to waking up."

Shaking his head, Jim decided not to respond to that. There was something that Gary said that stroke him. "Why didn't you think I was okay?" he asked, as he turned to Gary.

"You resigned your post."

Jim stared at Gary for a few seconds as he tried to wrap his mind around what Gary had just said. "How does that make me less than okay?" He had no idea of how the Enterprise responded to his resignation. Did they wonder what happened to him? Were they worried? He doubted it.

Gary opened his month for a second, before deciding to close it. A few seconds later, he opened his mouth again, "Only an insane person would give up the Enterprise as insanity would be the only reason, being medically unable."

"…You think I'm insane? Really? How long have you known me? Why do you think I would give up something that valuable, if it wasn't for the best? My leadership would only end in terror. I couldn't let anything happen to that ship!" Jim was in Gary's face. It blew his mind that he think that. They had been friends for years. He should've known that Jim wouldn't have done anything to put anyone in danger. His happiness and desires meant nothing if someone else was going to pay for it. Sure, he cheated, but that was different than putting someone's life in danger.

The two men stared deep into each other's eyes. "And you think resigning would help your crew? What are you afraid of?" If it was possible, Gary stepped closer to Jim. "Maybe, it's a good thing. A ship needs a strong Captain, someone like me. Someone who doesn't abandon his crew."

Jim's hands balled. It wasn't that Jim didn't think Gary couldn't lead, but he wasn't really for it. "Greed for power isn't something you desire in a Captain."

"I think you're just jealous."

"Jealous?" Jim said, backing up from Gary. He wasn't jealous in the least bit. "You think I'm jealous?" he asked pointing at himself.

"You had always been better than me, and now that I'm the one on top, you can't stand it."

"You're crazy!" Jim turned from him and back to the window. "You've nothing that I want."

"Don't I?" Gary crossed to Jim and stepped in front of him. "Look at you. You've a past, while I have a future." He paused. "You're jealous."

"I'm not!" Jim said, pinning Ensign Gary Mitchell into the glass. He stared him down, but there was doubt in his mind. Was Gary right?

"I don't know why you would be," he commented, grabbing on Jim's hands. "You can have it all, but you know what, you won't. You won't risk it all. You're a scared puppy dog. What happened to the Jim I knew? The Jim that I played pranks with. The Jim that risked everything. The Jim that saved earth."

"I'm still here," he growled.

Gary narrowed his eyes. "It doesn't look like it."

Jim pushed Gary harder into the glass, saying nothing. What could he say? Gary was right. He was just an empty shell that he once was. He was just going through the steps of living. He knew he had to get over this, and live. He needed to escape from the darkness that held him. Jim's hold loosened on his old friend, enabling Gary to break away. "I'm here," he whispered, wondering for the first time if he made the right choice. Was it right to leave the Enterprise? To give up?

Gary stared at Jim. "Prove it," He said, before walking to the door and pausing. He glanced back. Jim turned to Gary, making eye contact for a brief second before leaving without saying another word. Jim was left alone to his thoughts, which were in a state of confusion.

The Constellation was due to arrive in 20 minutes. The planet had its own orbiting spaces ports, much like the ones around earth. Everyone had started to prepare for docking, well besides Jim. Jim hadn't left the observation deck. Sitting down in the corner, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He wasn't sleepy, but it was relaxing, and he needed it, after the conversation with Gary. He had so much stuff going through his head, and only the stars could help him. They had calmed him in ways that he didn't think possible.

The stars were the reason why he stayed for four hours; besides, he had nowhere better to be. He didn't want to bother Aurelan, as he felt that he had bothered her enough. If he found himself to be annoying, she had to be annoyed by him. All he did was cry and whine about his horrible his life. Why would anyone want to hang with him? He didn't want to be around himself, but what else could he do to change that? He was going to that stupid event. He was on a damn starship. There was a chance that he was going to see _them_ again. He knew it had to do with attitude, but how could he change the way he was feeling? He wished it was as easy as turning on a light, but nothing was that easy.

The door suddenly opened, startling him. For the last four hours, no one had bothered him. Picking up his head, he looked toward the door to see Aurelan, who wore the biggest smile he had ever seen. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

Shifting, Jim took a deep breath. "Well, I've been here for the last four hours."

She made her way toward and dropped down next to him. She looked toward him, but he stared off, not wanting to look at her. "Ah, the last place I've looked. Why-"

Jim quickly cut her off, not wanting to answer her why. "How were the Science labs?"

"How did you know I was there?"

"Ensign Mitchell took me on a tour and I saw you there. You look like you were having fun, so I left you alone." He figured he would answer all possible future questions that she might have.

"You didn't have to."

Jim snorted. "I don't need to bug you all the time. Gary kept me company," he answered, leaving out their little conversion. She didn't need to know about it.

"That's good."

"So why were you looking for me?"

She picked herself up and walked toward the window. "They're getting really to beam down."

Jim picked his head and stared at her. "I didn't realize we were there." The 22.5 hour ride seemed short, but when he was asleep for 12 hours of it, it went fast. It was probably a good thing, as his mind worked work against him.

"Yep, just arrived a few minutes ago," she smiled, staring out the window. Her eyes had locked with an object that he assumed to be the planet. Still sitting down, he couldn't see what she was looking at. Jim wasn't sure if she had ever been off the earth. Planets looked differently from outer space, and there were a breathtaking sight. It could explain the expression on her face. "It's beautiful."

He smiled. He loved the view from orbit. "I love the view from space. Planets look so different."

"That isn't what I'm talking about." Aurelan looked at him for a brief second, before returning her glance to the window. "I'm referring to the Enterprise."

"What?" Jim jumped to his feet and raced to the window. His heart stopped as he laid eyes on the ship that had brought him great joy and sadden. He couldn't look away from the ship, even if it stung him deeply to look at the ship.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alight, I hope you liked it, and here are my notes.
> 
> 1) Dreon is a star system. I didn't randomly pick it per se. I had spent hours looking for a system, but nothing fitted what I wanted, so I just pick that.
> 
> 2) I give the Aurelan the last name of Swift, because it was the actress who played her in the original series.
> 
> 3) I know some of you were interested in Sarek and Jim's conversation, so I worked it in. Now, it isn't a block flashback, which I see a lot. I wanted to structure it differently, and I am unsure it worked, but I figure I would give it a shot.
> 
> Until next time.


	9. Death of the Soul

He sighed as he walked to the transporter room. He would rather stay onboard the beloved Enterprise and worked than waste his time at that stupid party. He had this great idea which could theoretically increase the engine's output by 6.123%, and he would need the silence to work out the details. He paused as he looked down at his P.A.D.D. He had to get everything figured out, if he wanted to present his idea to the Captain.

Scotty sighed again. He didn't know why he bothered, considering the fact that Pitts wouldn't even listen. He knew the Captain had other things to do and his ideas were a bit risky, but he would at least like some consideration before shooting his ideas to hell. This was one of the reasons why he missed Jim. Jim would listen to him and give him valuable feedback, even though he would turn him down in the end. In fact, Jim would do that to anyone who had an idea. He made time for his crew and tried to ease the barrier between the captain and the crew. Jim thought it made the ship run smoother.

That could've been the reason why it hit Jim so hard when the crew 'deserted' him after the 'incident.' Jim never talked to him about the action that Spock accused him of, but he knew how hard Jim took it. And he didn't have to be a genius, which he was, to know that Jim didn't do it; however, he couldn't figure out why Jim didn't do anything about it. He was the Captain, and there were numerous things that he could've done. (Sure, he ran the ship top notch, but everything else he didn't.) Scotty could only assume that Jim didn't have the will or the inter-strength to do something, which surprised him, because Jim wasn't the type of guy, who would sit back and do nothing.

Though not all of the 437 onboard the Enterprise treated Jim with a lack of respect, it felt like it, and that feeling could drain anyone. That was why he and Chekov refused to pay any attention to the rumors, though that was difficult.

The doors slid open to the Transporter room, and Scotty walked in. "Ello," he said, glancing around the room. Looking to be asleep, Sulu stood next to the door. Chekov stood behind the control panel for the transporter with two red shirts, and Uhura was leaning against the far wall, reading a P.A.D.D. McCoy, Spock, and Pitts were the only one missing for the transport, but Scotty wasn't worry. Instead, he made his way over to Chekov after no one had responded to him.

"Hov are you, Mister Scott?" Chekov asked when Scotty arrived.

"I'm doin' alright, Chekov," he responded as he looked over to what the Russian was doing. "Just workin' on something, but I be wastin' my time." Scotty scrolled down the P.A.D.D. looking over the schematics for his idea. He had put so much energy into it.

"Vhat? The Kaptain von't." Chekov took the P.A.D.D. out of Scotty's hand and looked over it. "I knov he's tough, but he von't shoot it dovn."

"He will," Scotty said, taking back the device.

"Ki-" Chekov started when the door slid open to reveal McCoy, who seemed to be semi rested.

The Doctor looked around. "Waiting on the Captain and the hobgoblin, I see." He was still grumpy.

"Yea, they should be here soon," Sulu answered. None of the gang seemed too happy about the Federation event, but they had no choice in the matter. If they were ordered, they would go. They had no other choice in the matter.

"This is a waste of time," McCoy snorted.

Uhura straightened up. "I wouldn't say that. This is an opportunity of a life time, where we can network and make a name for ourselves."

"We've already made a name for ourselves," Sulu cut in. "Sure, it can be an opportunity for us, but that isn't the point for our presence. We-"

"That's enough. There's no need to fight," Scotty said. It seemed that all they did lately was nitpick, and it made Scotty want to pull his hair out. Last time he checked, he worked on a starship and not in a day care. He didn't know why they were acting like children. They never acted like this when Kirk was around.

"Mister Scott's right," Chekov said, stepping away from the control panel. "Ve are supposed to be a team. It's important."

As Chekov spoke, Captain Pitt had entered the room. "Yes, Mister Chekov's correct. Being a team is important." He glanced around the room and made his way over to the transporter in silence. "Are we ready?"

"What about Commander Spock?" Uhura asked.

"He'll be down later. Let's get going," Pitts ordered. They didn't have time to be waiting around, as they had things to do. Making sure he had his P.A.D.D., Scotty was the last one on the transporter. "Energize."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

The Enterprise had arrived a few days early, which meant that the officers had a few days off to enjoy themselves, which was nice. They needed it. Uhura was relaxing using some of her culture traditions. Sulu was training and tending to plant life that he took from the planet. McCoy was trying to read old Terrain Classics, but his mind was wandering. Spock, still on the Enterprise, was locked up in his quarters doing something Vulcan. And Captain Pitts…No one really knew what he was doing with his time…It was assumed by the crew that he was talking to Admiral Pike, who had arrived a day before they did. They didn't care what he was doing as long as he was alive and safe.

Chekov and Scotty had just returned from the Enterprise as they had been working on Scotty's new schematics for the engines. It was a relaxing to get their hands on it. Scotty walked a little behind Chekov, who was talking off a storm about Russian engineering. It was adorable to listen to the Russian ramble, but it did not help Scotty, whose mind was wandering. Forcing himself to listen to Chekov wasn't difficult, but he was distracted easily. For example, the U.S.S. Constellation of the Constitution Class had caught his eyes and stopped him.

It wasn't as if the Constellation could compare to the Enterprise in Scotty's eyes, but it still was an impressive ship. It had been one of the ships that many people desired to serve on. Before the Enterprise was built, he had desired to work on that ship, but it was a desire that never came true. Instead, he was forced upon a cold ass planet, because of a failed field test. However, there was a bright side to that story, which started with the famous James T. Kirk. Damn, he missed that man.

"Mister Scott?" Chekov, who had stopped a few yards away, called. "Is there something vrong?"

"I'm just checkin' out the Constellation." The ship had only arrived a few minutes ago and was still in post docking procedures.

As he walked over, Chekov said, "It's an impressiwe ship, Sir."

It was and it made Scotty wondered why they needed so many starships presented. What or who were they trying to impress? "What are we up to?" Scotty went to leave, but he didn't get too far. It was Chekov's turn to be distracted. "What is it, Chekov?"

"Kirk."

"What?"

"It's Kirk! It's Kirk." He pointed off in a direction, but by the time Scotty had looked, he only saw Captain Pitts. What was Pitt up to?

"Are you sure?" Scotty stepped toward the direction that Chekov pointed at. "I see only Captain Pitts."

"It was Kirk."

* * *

 

*o*o*

* * *

Jim had made it back to his quarters somehow, but he wasn't sure how he did it by himself. (He had refused to allow Aurelan to walk him back.) He needed time alone to think. He hadn't had that in a while. Sitting down on the bed, he rested his head on hands, and he allowed himself a few seconds of silence for that was all he could give himself as he was due in the transporter room in a few minutes. He lifted his head, reminding himself that he had to be strong. That he needed to move forward. Standing up, Jim reached for his jacket and bag and flung them over his shoulder.

He told himself that this was the first step in a long journey, and if he could do this, the rest would fall into place. It did fall into place when he stepped off the transporter in the orbital space station. He felt better that he had been able to take the first step, even though he was faced with something that he wasn't expecting as he materialized.

"Hello, Jim."

Jim hadn't expected to see him so soon, though he knew he was going to see him eventually especially after the way he had left him. Pike had thought that he was watching a dead man ride off. "Hello, Admiral Pike," Jim responded.

As the crew of the Constellation wasn't due to disembark for a few more hours, there weren't many people in the room. Other than a few red shirts, there was an older gentlemen in gold (according to his uniform, a Captain), Pike, and Aurelan who stood behind Jim.

"How are you?" Pike, whose eyes pierced through Jim, asked.

Oh, how he hated that question. What could he say to that? Nothing much. A bit of depression. No answer would satisfy Admiral Pike, and telling the truth wouldn't do any good. "Decent, and how are you?" It was always polite to ask about the other person, and it got them to talk about themselves and not you.

"Been Busy. Still Busy, so let's cut down to business," Pike responded, motioning to the doors.

* * *

 

*o*o*

* * *

After saying bye to Aurelan, Jim followed Pike and the Captain out of the transporter room and down a long corridor. Pike and the Captain were talking, but Jim wasn't sure of what they were talking about. His mind was wandering back toward the Enterprise and how he wished he was still the captain of the ship, but he wasn't and he wouldn't after everything that had happened.

"Kaptain Pitts!" It had pulled Jim out of his thoughts and stopped him as well as Pike and the Captain.

Jim turned, recognizing a Russian accent, and his heart softened a bit. Chekov had a way to get him to smile with his cute innocent hyper self. Facing the man, he felt his heart beat slowed when he saw that it wasn't Chekov. He wouldn't admit to it, but he wished it was Chekov.

"Kaptain Pitts," the Russian called again, once he was a few feet away.

But then again, it was probably a good thing that it wasn't Chekov. What would he say to him or any of his crew? 'Oh, sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.' 'I just had to get away.' 'I couldn't be Captain of the Enterprise anymore, as you all suck." There wasn't anything that he could say.

"Ensign?" Pitts turned to face the young man.

"Kaptain, I'm reporting on the status of the Enterprise. You vanted it as soon as possible"

The Captain nodded. "I do, but I have a meeting, so send the report to my quarters."

Turning his attention away from the ensign, Jim focused on Captain Pitts, who must be the new captain of the Enterprise. Though Jim hadn't expected to run into the new Captain, he wasn't as he imagined. For some reason, a part of him thought Spock would've been made Captain, as he had proven himself time and time again. He had all the skills needed to run a Starship. Anyhow, Captain Pitts wasn't what he envisioned. He didn't envision him to be so old. Okay, he wasn't _that_ old, but he wasn't young either. He couldn't go running through the hills if an away mission went wrong. Being physical fit was important in any Captain. It meant life or death.

"Let's get going," Pitts said. Pike nodded.

Jim glanced toward the direction that the Ensign ran off in. Half of him wanted to go with him, but the other half wanted to walk away. He wasn't ready to deal with the past just yet. He missed that ship so much that it hurt to see it. He had no one else to blame, because it was his choice to walk away.

To walk away from the most important thing in his life.

It hurt. It felt like he had ripped his own arm off, but he had no other choice. It was for the best…or was it? He had doubted himself the second he turned in his resignation papers. Did he make the right decision? Was his logic clouded? Did he make the decision too soon? He did wonder. He wondered a lot, and seeing the Enterprise and the new Captain made him doubt everything. It filled him with despair and desire for everything that he had. He would be lying if he said he didn't want it back. He wanted it back, but he couldn't have anything that he wanted. He didn't trust anyone at that moment.

* * *

 

*o*o*

* * *

Jim paused at the doors that Pike and Pitts had disappeared through. He had some idea of why Pike wanted to talk; however, he wasn't sure why he would. The Enterprise had a Captain, so why did they need to talk to him? There wasn't anything that they could do.

He had to move, he told himself. He couldn't just stay at the door, because he had to make the next step. He stepped through the doors to see that Pike had already taken his seat behind the desk. Pitts was leaning against the far back wall, eyeing him. "Take a seat," Pike said, pointing to the chair across from him.

Jim hesitated for a second before he took the seat. Usually when someone was asked to sit, it was going to be a long conversion. He took a deep breath as he wasn't in the mood for a conversion. "How did you know I was onboard the Constellation?" he asked, cutting off Pike.

"Captain Decker had informed me immediately of your arrive on the Constellation," Pike informed him. "I was a bit surprised. I wasn't expecting you to come."

"I wasn't either," Jim muttered. This was the last place that he wanted to be.

Pike's eyebrow rose. "However, I'm glad you came. I've been worried about you. I thought I would be hearing about your death."

Jim had a hard time looking at Pike without feeling guilty. The man had been nothing but supporting since he met him. He was like a father to him, and without that, he didn't know where he would be. Dead most likely. "I know. Sorry about that."

"Sorry. Is that the only thing you can say? Sorry?" He picked up a stress ball and threw it at Jim. "I was worried about you, Jim!"

Making no movement to stop it, Jim was hit in the face. "I acted selfishly. I'm sorry." He picked up the stress ball that had landed in his lap. He knew this had to be an awkward situation for Pike.

"Alright." He paused. "Let's get to business," Pitts said, cutting off Pike again.

The awkwardness died down as they shifted away from his almost death.

Jim glanced toward the Captain, wondering what this business was. He had already figured that he would be talking to people about the Federation. What else did they want from him? "Which is?"

"Your reenlistment into Starfleet," Pike answered. Yep, the awkwardness was back.

Trying to hide his surprise, he broke out into laugher. He didn't know if it was because he wanted to or because he wanted nothing to do with Starfleet. He decided it was the ladder one. "Why would I do that?" There were a few reasons why he would, but Pike didn't need to know about them.

"Because Starfleet needs you."

"Needs me? Why would Starfleet need me? I'm just one person." He folded his arms against his chest. If that was the case, he wouldn't have been sent through the ringer. The trial was a joke as the lawyers and the judge hid behind stupid rules and protocols.

"The universe needs Captain James T. Kirk," Pitts commented, stepping toward Jim. "You made a name for yourself that no one else can fill."

"I didn't get there alone," Jim muttered.

"No, you didn't, but you were leading force. The Enterprise needs her Captain back," Pike said.

Jim stared. "The Enterprises has a Captain and it's him," he said, pointing to Captain Pitts.

"It's only temporary," Pitts inputted. "I'm retiring soon, kid."

Ignoring the fact that Pitt had called him a kid, Jim said, "Why would you pick a temporary Captain?" He knew it was a stupid question. He knew he was the reason. They wanted to give him time to change his mind, but could he do that? He had resigned, and though he could be mistaken, he wasn't sure he could come back unless he wanted to start from the ground up not that that bugged him, since he never really started at the bottom. He went straight to the captaincy.

"I figured you for a smart guy," Pitts said as he crossed to Pike's shoulder.

"I don't want the Enterprise back," he lied. His reaction to seeing the ship had told him that. If he was truly over that ship, he wouldn't have acted like he had been shot in the heart.

"Really? Who wouldn't want that ship," Pitts said, pointing to a monitor on the wall that suddenly pictured the docked Enterprise. "What can compare to that ship? Nothing. Starfleet is about adventure and discovery, which you don't have as a bartender."

"How do you know about that?" Jim didn't know much about this old Captain, but apparently, he knew about him.

"Reenlist, Kirk."

Jim took a deep breath before he spoke. "No."

"Jim," Pike breathed.

They needed to understand why. Though he wasn't happy with the regulations of Starfleet which only seemed to benefit those in charge, he couldn't captain the Enterprise, even if he wanted to. The crew didn't want him and that was all that matter. They wouldn't serve at their best if they didn't believe in him. "They don't trust or want me."

"I don't give a damn what they want. They're officers. They must follow orders," Pike snapped.

"Orders?! Orders don't God damn matter. It's trust that matters. Without that, nothing will succeed. I tried. I gave it my all, but they… You have the reports," Jim answered. During his last months as the captain, his approval rating has decrease by a significant percentage. Though Jim had never complained to Pike, it was a living hell. At the beginning, Jim could handle it, but after a while, it ate at him. His crew didn't trust him, and for a while, he didn't blame them as he didn't even trust himself, but that didn't mean that he wasn't pissed.

"I do, but I must say, I find them to be total bullshit," Pike said. He slid the reports to Jim, who made no movement toward them. "Total junk from children throwing tantrums. You're the best thing for that ship, even if they can't see it."

"No." He repeated. It was harder the second time.

"You can change the senior staff and choose a new First Officer," Pike responded.

That hit him. He didn't know why, considering if he was to take the Enterprise back that would be one of his conditions. "Pike." But taking the position away from Spock made his heart ache. Jim's eyes fell.

Pike glanced toward Pitts, who was leaning against the wall behind Jim. "If that doesn't persuade you, I can offer you a new ship in two years. Top of the line ship that will out class everything so far: the U.S.S. Providence."

Jim had heard of the ship before he had resigned. He would be lying if he said he hadn't drooled over the designs for that ship, which incubus specs from the Narada. He would love to captain that ship, but could he ever replace his love for the Enterprise? It was just a ship, right? No, it was more than that; however, he needed a change. Maybe, the U.S.S. Providence would give him that, but maybe, it wouldn't. How could he be sure? He had to be sure, because this was a major decision that would impact his good for nothing life…

He needed a change, because his life depended on it. That was what Gary was trying to make him see. He needed to take a risk or else nothing would happen. He wanted to move on in his life, and he needed to move forward.

It was life or death.

But was going back to Starfleet the right answer? He didn't always agree with Starfleet or the Federation, but he respected their mission. They had a purpose, and they were accomplishing it.

"Admiral Pike. I'm not longer with Starfleet. I have no right to a ship." Why couldn't he say no again?

"I don't hear no," Captain Pitts commented.

Sighing, Pike shot Pitts a warning glance. "Jim, you're still apart of Starfleet." He picked up a P.A.D.D. and slid it over to Jim, who paid no attention to it. "You have everything right to a ship."

"What are you talking about? I resigned from Starfleet." What was Pike talking about? Jim glanced to the device in front of him. Without picking it up, he could tell that it was his Starfleet profile.

Pike stood up and walked to the viewing screen on his wall. "I told you I wouldn't accept your resignation, and I didn't. If you look at the P.A.D.D., you'll understand."

 _What the hell did Pike do?_ Jim thought. He knew he wouldn't like it. Picking up the device, he glanced over his profile and froze as he saw the words at the bottom: 'Extended Medical Leave.' There was no word about his resignation. It was like he never handed it in; instead, it showed that he left the Enterprise for medical reasons. What the Fuck? What the hell did Pike do? Who gave Pike the right to decide for his life? Sure, he only meant to help, but what made his decision right? "Pike," he hissed. His anger was back. "What the hell?" He slammed down the P.A.D.D.

"Kirk," he said, switching to a formal tone. "As your superior officer, I had the right to deny your resignation based on the emotional condition that you were in." He stepped to his desk, and he stared hard into Jim's eyes.

"Emotional Condition? Are we Vulcans now?"

"Kirk, you can't deny that you made a rash decision?" Pike asked. "Your ra-"

"Pike," Jim growled. He glanced toward Pitts, who seemed to be watching him very carefully. He didn't know what Pitts knew, but he knew that he didn't want to talk about it in front of the stranger, his replacement. "No. This conversation is over." He stood up quickly.

"No, it isn't. As you're still enlisted in Starfleet, I can make it an order."

Jim laughed. "Well, I guess then I'll resign again." Did Pike really think he could stop him? He couldn't, even if there was a part of him that wanted him to.

"I won't accept it."

"What do you want from me?" Annoyed as he was, Jim tried to be reasonable. Sure, Pike was pissing him off, but he helped Jim, when he needed it. He owed him something. "What will make you accept my resignation?"

Pike walked over to the closet and pulled out two captain uniforms: one formal dress and one yellow regular uniform. He laid the uniforms down on the desk and sat down. "This will. I want you to attend the event as if you are on the medical leave, and after the event, if you still want to resign, I will accept it."

Jim narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure how that would work. Didn't everyone already know that he had resigned (which was why he didn't understand how Pike had listed it as a medical leave in the first place)? His crazy mother knew. Those two idiot cadets he met in the bar knew. Decker knew. Gary knew. There was no telling who did, but he would play this game, if it meant he was gone. "That's it?" However, he was left with other questions. Why would Pike give up so easy? What game was he playing at? Did he think that he would change his mind? Did he want his mind changed?

"Yes."

Jim glanced over to Captain Pitts, whose eyes were hard to read. What was he getting out of this? There had to be something. "I'll do it." He didn't like the idea of being 'blackmailed,' but he had no other way. However, the question remained: did he want to 'rejoin' Starfleet? Pike had offered him two ships in a sense. Could he again turn his back on the Enterprise? His reaction to seeing the Enterprise had told him that he wasn't over the ship. His lack of desire at seeing the captain chair on the Constellation was also proof.

He didn't want to return to his boring life. He didn't want to be a bartender or a washed out Captain, who couldn't handle things when they got difficult. He wanted to do better than his counterpart, even if it was impossible. Even if he wanted something more, could he handle it? He could barely handle the Enterprise during his last months, but then again, he didn't give himself a chance. He let it go on. He let all of those glances go on. He was the Captain for crying out loud. He could've stopped it or at least did something.

"Good," Pike smiled.

Jim didn't like that smile. Pike _was_ up to something. Pike's tone had changed. As he stood up, Jim kept a close eye on Admiral. "Is that all, Sir?" If Pike wanted him to play the part, then he would.

"Yes, Captain Kirk. That is all."

Jim stood there for a few seconds. God, he missed that titled. He knew he shouldn't allow himself to get attached to it, but he couldn't help it. He missed it.

He slowly picked up the uniforms and headed to the door. He wondered if he had made the right choice. Was it right to pretend that nothing had happened? He knew Pike didn't want him to pretend that everything was the same. He wanted to stop denying that something had happen and move on, but he couldn't help but wonder if this would hurt him in the long run.

* * *

 

*o*o*

* * *

McCoy enjoyed comforts, but he didn't need them. They served as a distraction, a distraction that only tormented him. Though it was needed, he had completely forgotten about James T. Kirk, and that ate at him. Maybe, Selek was right. He needed to worry about the present and leave Jim alone. His illogical attachment was only hurting him. He wasn't sleeping or eating well, and if he was his own damn patient, he knew what he would say. He needed to worry about himself. He needed to take care of himself, or else he would be listened as medically unstable. And if that happened, McCoy didn't know what he would do. He needed this. He needed his position as the Chief Medical Officer.

Shifting in his bed, McCoy stared at the off colored wall with a large photo that featured a war scene from the planet's history. It was a rather odd image of colors that were supposed to represent different armed forces. McCoy didn't know what to make of it, but he forced himself to think about it. It helped him get his mind off Jim, even if he didn't want to. That was where he stayed until the door to his room opened.

Pushing himself into a sitting position, he eyed Spock, who had entered the room. He hadn't seen Spock since Selek had come aboard the Enterprise. McCoy had to say it that he looked better than Spock, and it made him feel semi better, but it also made him worried. He had never seen Spock look like this. He looked like he had been hit by multiple busses. What the hell had happened?

"Spock, W-"

"I need your help hacking into the Medical Database," the Vulcan said, cutting off the Doctor.

"What? My help? Why?" McCoy's mind was racing.

Spock stepped closer to McCoy. He looked like he was suffering from some kind of injury. "McCoy, it is about Jim."

His heart stopped. "What about Jim?" McCoy stood from the bed, shaking.

"If you help me, I can show you." Spock made his way to the computer that was linked to the computers on the Enterprise. The purpose of the connection was to allow Doctor McCoy to keep an eye on the Sickbay.

McCoy knew that Jim could bring out illogical responses from Spock, but he never imaged this. "Alright, Spock. This has better be something. Breaking into the Medical Databases is serious."

"If anything happens, I will take full responsibility."

"No, you won't. We'll share it." They had never been good friends, but he could see how someone could be close with Spock. He was willing to do anything to protect the ones he cared about, even if he would deny it. "What do you need?"

Spock didn't even look up. "I need your medical codes. I need the access to the database before I can hack it." He paused, as McCoy's breath caught in his throat. "It will not be traced back to you."

McCoy took a deep breath. It didn't matter if it did or not, because as long as they found out about Jim, nothing else mattered. He would do anything for Jim…He just wished he had done that in the past, when he needed it. He hated himself for everything that he did, and he would make it up to the man.

*O*O*

"Are you done yet?" McCoy was a patient person, but that had gone out the window the second he handed over his codes. He would have to change them after this, not that he doubted Spock, but it was a security risk. Plus, he was the only one who was supposed to have those high ranking codes.

"No." It was a simple no, but it was filled with emotions that McCoy didn't think was possible for Spock. It only added to his worries.

It was taking longer than expected to hack the medical records. Spock's abilities were beyond anything that McCoy thought was possible, but the system was made to prevent hacks. In fact, Spock had worked on some of the specs, but that should've made it easy to hack, right? No, it seemed that Spock made sure that his specs were impossible to hack, even by himself. He would have to do a number on the system.

"Done." Spock responded a quarter of an hour later. He had successfully hacked into the system and gave himself the highest security ranking. If he was anyone else, it would've been a major problem; however, since he was he, it was safe. Spock had no interest in anything but Jim's medical record, which Spock had found in no time. He pulled up the record and scrolled down toward the end.

McCoy almost pushed Spock out of the way (not that he could), as he tried to read the file. There were much more than he expected there to be _. What had happened to Jim_ , he asked himself. He thought he was going to faint as he noticed something in the file.

Jim had been Raped.

Raped.

How could he have missed that? He knew that Jim liked it hard at times, and he allowed that knowledge to affect his judgment, but how could he not see that something was wrong? How could he miss that? How could he have turned on his friend? His best friend?

He thought he was going to puke as he glanced over the official rape report. No, he was going to puke. He bolted from the desk to the restroom. After his stomach was empty, he filled the sink with water. He was tempted to drown himself as he felt sick to his stomach. How could he have betrayed Jim, when he needed him the most? No wonder, Jim left. He had seen a few rape victims before, and they needed all the support that they could get. He didn't doubt Jim's strength, but he doubted Jim's recovery. There was no one there when Jim needed it. That could kill anyone. Anyone.

Oh, Fuck.

McCoy felt sick again. He puked again.

O' God. What if Jim was dead? What if he killed himself? What if he couldn't have withstood the rape and the betrayal and decided to end it all? Was his pain too great? McCoy had no clue what had happened to Jim as the filed ended the day of Jim's medical leave started. He had been under the impression that Jim had resigned.

Walking back over to the sink, he dipped his face into the water for a few seconds. He didn't reach for the towel to dry his face. "Jim, please," he pleaded with his reflection as if he was looking at Jim. Water dripped down his face. He had to find out what happened to Jim. He had to make sure Jim was still alive, and he had to make it up to him, even if it wasn't possible. He rested his head against the cold counter. He knew he didn't deserve Jim's forgiveness, but he would try to save Jim.

Pushing himself up, he drained the water and walked back into the other room. Spock was staring intently at the screen. His fists were balled and he was shaking. "Spock," McCoy said, walking over. He hadn't read the whole report. He knew there had to be details about _it_ , but he didn't want to know. He didn't need to know, or rather, he wasn't strong enough. "Spock," he called again. If he wasn't strong enough, what about Jim, who faced it alone?

Said Vulcan turned his head to McCoy. It was visible that he was struggling with his emotions. "I must find Jim." McCoy had never heard Spock sound like this. His voice was ruff.

"How?"

"Selek. He knows of Jim's location. I will go to him and demand Jim's Location." He paused. "I have to go to him."

"I doubt he would want to see us."

"Us?" Spock asked.

McCoy stared at Spock. "I'm going with you, and there's nothing that you can do to stop me." Okay, there were a few things that he could do like the nerve pinch. "He's my best friend. I have to see him."

"Very well."

He could tell that Spock wanted to see Jim alone, but that wouldn't be a good idea. They had no idea of how Jim would react to seeing him. "How do you plan on getting to earth?" They were stuck on the Enterprise, which wouldn't be going anywhere near earth.

"I will find a way, Doctor. I will find a way." Spock was still shaking, as he stood. He walked slowly to the door. "I have to meditate."

"Go, Spock." He knew better than to stop Spock. It would be dangerous for the both of them if McCoy tried to stop him. After Spock had left the room, McCoy returned to his computer. He could barely glance over the report without the urge to puke. If he felt like this, he wondered how Jim or even Spock felt. Spock had betrayed his lover. That had to be a painful realization.

He turned off the monitor and walked to his bed. He allowed gravity to take over and allowed the tears to flow. What had he done?

* * *

 

*o*o*

* * *

Uhura did feel like shit, even if no one believed her. She didn't want to take advantage of Spock, because she did truly love and care for Spock. She had even supported Jim and Spock's relationship, because she saw how happy both of them were. Yes, both of them. She did care about Jim. She really did. Though it annoyed her, she enjoyed Jim's meaningless teasing, because it meant that he saw her as more than just sex. He saw her, just like he saw each member of the Enterprise. They were people not numbers. For that, she cared and respected Jim, but that couldn't save him after what she saw. He had almost destroyed Spock after he had cheated on him. She saw had much Jim meant to Spock. She knew what Spock would do to keep Jim safe. He would give up everything for Jim. And it broke Spock when he learned that Jim wouldn't do the same. That he didn't care. That was why she hated Jim. Sure, she was jealous that Spock would never do that for her, and that hurt, but that wasn't the reason of her hatred.

Jim had taken something from Spock that she could never have and spit it right back in his face. It made her sick to think about it. If he didn't want the relationship, why in hell did he enter it? Was he that selfish? Though the golden boy reputation had gotten to his head (it would anyone), he wasn't really selfish. He always put others before himself. What changed to change that? She wished she knew. It might not make the situation better, but it would help Spock to heal. He needed that. She wished she could help him.

Sure, throwing herself at him wouldn't help, but she thought she could distract him. Everyone needed a good distraction nowadays, especially with the new Captain, who believed that nothing was prefect. Unquestionably, nothing was, but he didn't have to thrive for it as if it was possible. The crew was running on empty and their nerves shoot. Yes, Captain Pitts was a good Captain who had saved the Enterprise from a few deadly situations, but the crew was stressed. They were too afraid of failure. With him, failure wasn't an option, and it was something to be ashamed, which made people afraid of their own shadows.

Uhura sighed. For that, she missed Kirk. It was a bad idea to run a crew like that, especially when they were used to a captain like Kirk. The change was too great and too fast.

She rounded a corner, heading to her quarters for the event. She and the rest of the senior staff wouldn't be staying on the Enterprise during the event. Uhura didn't care, as she just wanted to get back to their space travel. At first, she saw it as a networking opportunity, but now, the event, which wouldn't start until the next day, didn't interest her at all. She stopped as she closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She wasn't in the mood to socialize with people who had no idea what being a part of Starfleet was all about.

Hearing footsteps, she picked up her head and opened her eyes. Anger rushed through her veins at the sight of the man in front of her. She never expected to see him. She had wanted to see him, so she could tell him off, but at the same time, she never wanted to see him again. The Enterprise needed to heal and they couldn't do it with him around.

"Uhura." She heard him mutter her name. It was stupid of her to be pissed at him for saying her name. She had other reasons to be pissed. At least, he didn't use her first name.

"Kirk," she hissed. "What the hell are you doing here?" She looked him over. He was wearing a leather jacket over a plain white shirt and dark jeans. The jeans hanged loosely around his waist, and a very thin strip of skin was visible. He was holding something over his shoulder, which pressed his white shirt against his finely chiseled chest.

"I was invited." He stared at her.

She shivered. She had never heard him talk like this; his voice was devoid of any emotion. It was as if he was dead. "That didn't mean you had to come." She felt as if he was staring right through her.

"Which is your opinion. It's a good thing that Starfleet doesn't follow your opinions, now isn't it?" He took a step toward her.

Why was the temperature dropping? It was freezing. "Shut up. You have no right to be here." She knew she should've shut up, but her anger was getting the better of her. She had wanted to yell at him for months.

"I have more right than you do."

Again, he said it without emotion. If she wasn't so pissed, she would've been worried about him. "I have no right? No, you don't have any right not after what you did."

"After what I did?" Jim snapped. "What I did? You don't have any fucken idea of what you're talking about." He had dropped him bag and took a small step toward her.

Uhura blinked. She didn't expect him to snap, especially when he did nothing during his last months as the Captain.

"You have no idea of what I have been through. Not at all, you stupid B…" He crunched his fists almost to the point of blood, but she could tell he was holding himself back. He even stepped back as he tried to control himself.

"Kirk," she muttered. He was extremely pissed, and it scared her. She had never seen anyone this angry, well beside Spock the day that he choked Jim on the bridge.

"You think you know everything, but you don't," he sneered through his teeth. "You have no idea of what I went through. How alone I was. How close I was to the edge. How I wanted to die. You have no idea. Or rather, you didn't care." His face distorted in pain.

At that, her anger had started to turn on her. She had no idea that he was so depressed, but it was her own damn fault that she didn't notice. She didn't want to. "That's your fault, you cheating bastard."

"I didn't fucken cheat."

"Liar!" How dare he say that?

Jim flexed his fists and took a step toward her. "I'm sick and tired of being accused of something I didn't do."

"Don't lie," she muttered. His anger had overpowered her anger. "Spock could feel it." Even in her anger, that sentence was strange to her. How could anyone sense something like that?

"He sensed the intercourse, which happened." His breath had become labored.

Uhura's worries at his depression disappeared. It was his own fucken fault that Spock left him. "And that isn't cheating?" He needed to look up the definition of cheating.

"It isn't cheating if it was again my will, and trust me, it was," he said. "I never wanted it." He released his fists as if he ran out of stream.

All of the sudden she felt sick to her stomach. That only meant one thing, but that wasn't possible. How could James T. Kirk been Raped?

"I never asked to be r-raped," he said with a shaky voice.

With that, Uhura felt dead inside. Very dead inside.


	10. Death of Secrets

**Chapter 10**

**Death of Secrets**

* * *

"I never asked to be r-raped."

Though anger was coursing through his veins, he felt as if a weight had been lifted off his chest. He could breathe again. He could live again. He could move on, because there was something more. He had wished for that feeling before, but he was never able to before. He couldn't see that there was something more, but now, there was hope as he was able to say it out loud to someone, even if it was Uhura. He could move on and live with the fact that he was raped.

"Kirk."

His name brought him out of his thoughts. He took a deep long look at her and felt guilty that he wasn't feeling guilty about the pain in her eyes as she learned the truth. He knew he was being foolish for feeling that way. Who cared what she was feeling, when she was the one who accused him of cheating? She wasn't living his life. She wasn't the one scorned from the Enterprise. She hadn't watched her closest friends turn on her. She still had her dream, while he lost his. Why in the hell did he care? And that pissed him off even more. She had no right to feel pain when he was the one who was raped.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was so soft that it was hard to hear.

He stared at her with no interest of answering or speaking to her anymore.

"I'm so sorry!" She cried. She moved toward him as if to give him a hug. "I didn't know."

He was never a big fan of hugs…well depending on whom they were from, but that was beside the point. He didn't want to have any contact with Uhura after what had happened. Sure, he wanted to get into her pants the first time he saw her, but things had changed. Now, he wanted nothing to do with her. She had no right to be sorry for him, when she turned her back on him. Sure, she didn't know what had really happened and she acted out because she cared deeply for Spock, but that didn't mean he understood. He was her captain and he would've liked to think of her as a friend, and he had expected more from her, but her behavior had showed him her true nature. He deserved more.

Reaching for his dropped bag, he stepped away from her. He didn't want to be close to her. "That doesn't change anything." He was treated like shit, and her saying that she was sorry didn't mean he was going to forget and forgive.

She looked at him as if she was trying to figure out what to say. "But it might! Why didn't you tell us?" Tears had started to run down her face, which only pissed him off more. "Why did you let us go on thinking you cheated?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. He didn't feel like he owed her anything. "Why shouldn't I have? Why should I share anything with any of you people?" he snarled. They turned their backs on him! He didn't owe them a goddamn thing. She was lucky that he was even talking to her. The bag was dangling from his hand as he thought about throwing it.

"Jim," she muttered. "I know we hurt you, but-"

"But what?" Hearing his first name out of her mouth made him angrier, if that was possible. She had no right to address him by his first name. "How could I come to any of you? You didn't give me a chance to explain as you all thought I was the son of Satan! Spock wouldn't allow me to speak to him about anything that wasn't ship related and that was rare. He changed shifts to limit the amount of contact. Doctor McCoy, my goddamn best friend, the only friend that I ever had, wouldn't even look at me. I had to force him because he didn't want to see to me, and when I cornered him, he yelled at me. He wouldn't even let me get a word out. And you glared at me and shouted nasty comments about me to everyone around you. You didn't think I could hear you, but I did." Jim put his arms through the strap of bag, leaving it to hang from his shoulder. "And most of the crew took after you three! So tell me, how could I come to any of you?"

She was speechless.

"You have no fucken idea of what I went through! No fucken idea in the hell what I went through during my last month, and you have the balls to ask me why I didn't come to any of you?" His nails had started to dig into his hands. "You were too blinded to see the fucken truth, which was right in front of you!" He wanted to punch something. Sure, he wanted to hurt someone, but he would never lay a hand on Uhura. (Spock and McCoy wouldn't be so lucky.) "So goddamn blind!" His fist went flying, and he nailed the wall hard with his right hand.

"Jim!" It was clear that she wasn't expecting it. After getting over her shock, she ran to him, but she didn't make it in time as he sent another punch to the wall (his left this time). "Jim! Stop!" He sent to punch again, but Uhura grabbed his hand. She could see how red his fists were. His skin was broken in some spots.

Jim turned to her. His fists felt like they were on fire, but he didn't care. All he cared about was her lack of respect for him. He was sick and tired of people being disrespectful to him and he wasn't going to deal with it anymore. "Don't call me Jim! You have no right to address me as if we're friends!" He pulled away from her. "No one has that right!" He wanted to punch the wall again.

"Ji-Kirk," she said, correcting herself. "What about Scott and Chekov? I know you were close with them." Her voice was shaky.

Jim stared into her eyes, and he knew that she was trying to make herself feel better as she tried to point out that he wasn't totally alone. But it didn't help her case. "So?"

"You would've talked to them!" She brought her hands to her chest.

God, his hands hurt. There was blood, but it wasn't anything major. "I did, but that didn't mean I told them. They didn't need to know that burden." If they knew the truth, it would've caused problems with his crews. Chekov and Scotty already had a hard time dealing with the crew and Jim knew it would be worse if they knew. There was no doubt in his mind that they would've done anything as they were very protective of him, and he didn't need more tension between the crew, because that could've resulted in death. "And stop trying to make yourself feel better. You have no right to."'

Tears dripped down from her chin to her outfit. She was a wet mess. "I know I don't, but tell me what I can do? How can I fix this?"

He almost laughed. She thought it was fixable. Silly, Silly girl. It wasn't fixable. Not at all. She and the rest (well some, really) of the crew (besides Scotty and Chekov) burned that bridge. "Pretend you never saw me." He turned away from her and started to walk away. After a few steps, he stopped and looked back. "It will be better for everyone."

"Kirk, it won't be for anyone. The Enterprise is a mess! McCoy won't even leave Sickbay anymore, and Spock is-"

Turning back fully to her, Jim snapped, "I don't want to hear about how hard they have it! They deserve whatever comes to them!" They turned their backs on him, and they didn't deserve him.

"Fine!" she yelled. Her tears had stopped, and it seemed that she was getting pissed at him again. "But think about yourself! I can see your pain, and how much you're hurting. It won't be good for you!"

Jim glared at her. "You have no right to care about me! Just leave me the hell alone like you have been doing!" He paused. He turned away from her. "I'm sick of this conversion. Bye, Lt Uhura." He started to walk away. He needed to get away from her. He heard her call his name, but he didn't care. He just needed to get away from her. He knew she was following her, but he would lose her. He had to lose her.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy dropped into his bed. He looked around his event quarters once again, as he had been doing all day. They were nicer than he expected or wanted. He would've been fine with anything after what he had done to his friend. He felt like shit and he thought he deserved shit. He treated his best friend like shit without giving him a chance to explain, and for that, McCoy would feel like shit for the rest of his life, even if Jim forgave him.

However, he was also very much annoyed. Why in the hell didn't Jim tell him? Sure, he knew that he didn't give Jim any chances, but when that boy wanted something, he would get it. He wouldn't give up until he got what he wanted, but why didn't he push this time? Why did he just give up? That wasn't like the Jim he knew, but did he really know Jim anymore? A lot of things happened to change Jim, and McCoy had no idea of who Jim was anymore.

He stared at his bag. _What should I do?_ He started to wonder. Should he really go see Jim? Would it do any good? He didn't know how Jim would react. He knew Jim wouldn't be happy to see them. And why should he be? He _and_ Spock were the ones who turned their backs on him. "Why did you let it go on?" He muttered. Sure, he knew some rape victims had a hard time opening up, and Jim was never really good at letting people in. (For heaven sake, he wouldn't even know about Jim's brother if he didn't come across it in a news article.) But why did he allow himself to be labeled as the bad guy?

"Jim, is this one of your acts of heroism?" He asked. Jim had always put others before himself, and at times, McCoy hated that about the man. Jim needed to think about himself first sometimes, but he never did, and he would never as he was low on his priorities. He would give up his life for another in a heartbeat, which said a lot about his character. Did he allow himself to be hated so others wouldn't be hated? McCoy shook his head. That didn't make sense. How could allowing the ship to hate him be a good thing? "Jim, what were you thinking?"

He couldn't understand what the blond was thinking, and it annoyed/pissed him off. Jim never thought things through, which was a major flaw of his. He went head first into things without thinking about the consequences, and at times (well most of the times), he ended up hurt, but he didn't care as long as everyone else was alright. His pain meant nothing if someone else was hurt, but then again, he never admitted being hurt in the first place. This also very much annoyed the good doctor.

Pushing himself out of bed, he decided that he wasn't going to wait for action. He was going to do something, even if it was stupid. He was going to seek out Selek, who would be busy. Unlike him, Selek was an ambassador and he had actual things that he had to do, but that wasn't going to stop McCoy. He had to do something or else he would in fact go crazy.

It didn't take long for McCoy to find Selek's quarters as he had access to the computers. He almost ran to the room, but he thought better of it. He didn't want everyone else to know how crazy he was, and he didn't want to admit to the fact that he was.

When he arrived at the Selek's door, an angry feeling filled him. This wasn't the first time that he found himself outside of Selek's room, and that time didn't ended well. Not well at all. McCoy felt worse than ever after that conversion with Selek. _Wait!_ He thought as he recalled that conversion. _He lied!_ Selek had told him that there wasn't anything else. He lied to his face. How could Selek do that? He had believed that Selek was Jim's friend. How could he do that to his friend? _And_ he was Vulcan. Wasn't it against the law for Vulcans to lie or something? Plus, Spock (didn't matter which one) didn't lie. It was against his DNA.

Pissed off, McCoy entered the room without permission or notice. He didn't care if he interrupted anything. How could Selek let him believe that there wasn't anything wrong with Jim? Because of that, more time was allowed to pass, and he needed that time, because there was no telling of what Jim's mental state was.

Selek looked up from the desk and stared at McCoy with a look in his eyes. "Doctor McCoy, can we discuss what is on your mind at another time?" He placed the P.A.D.D. down. "I am busy at the moment."

"I don't care! You lied to me about Jim." McCoy stepped forward, only focused on Selek and nothing else.

"Doctor, this is not the best time, may we-"

"We will talk now!" McCoy glared at Selek. He was never a big fan of hobgoblins.

There was a sudden movement in the room, drawing McCoy's attention away from Selek. "I believe Doctor McCoy wants to talk to you. I will leave you two to talk," Sarek said as he stood.

McCoy became quiet. He felt like a fool as he failed to notice Sarek in the room. How could he had not notice that the Ambassador was in the room? Sarek was almost impossible to look over as he had a presence that could take over the room. He also failed to notice the female Vulcan in the room, who was eyeing him with her Vulcan stare. He shifted uncomfortably. He felt like a total idiot.

Selek nodded. "Very well," he said as Sarek and the female Vulcan left the room. After the door slid close, Selek stood and stepped toward McCoy. His hands were behind his back as he took in the doctor. "I was in a meeting, Leonard."

McCoy narrowed his eyes. No one really called his Leonard. It was just Doctor or McCoy (well Bones if he counted the nickname Jim gave him). Hearing his first name from Spock (young or old) was strange, and he didn't much care for it. "You lied to me."

"I do not lie, for lying would be illogical."

"You told me that Jim was as expected! You lied. He isn't as expected. He was raped," McCoy yelled. It strung as the word passed his lips. "You told me that there wasn't anything more. That he was adapting well."

Selek took a deep breath. "I told you the truth. He is as expected…for someone that had been raped."

"You kept certain parts from me!"

"I kept Jim's confidence."

McCoy narrowed his eyes. "His confidence? Is keeping his confidence worth hurting him? Because that's all it's doing!" No good came out of Jim's secret; because it created such distance that it caused harm everywhere it went. Friendships had been ruined, relationships destroyed, and futures demolished. It was all because of that secret, of that lie.

"I did what Jim needed." His voice was sound, too soft for a Vulcan.

"Needed? He needs it much as a-"

Selek stopped him with only a look. "And you know what he needs?" He raised his eyebrow and McCoy remained silence. "Jim did not need the truth. He needed a friend, who would not lecture him. Who would not tell him that he was wrong. He needed to be right."

McCoy stared at Selek, because he knew Selek was right. If Selek had broken Jim's confidence, there was no telling what would've happened, but McCoy knew it wouldn't be good. Being completely alone was a feeling worse than death. It would kill anyone. "Buy why did you push Spock to the truth?"

"I am also the friend that Jim requires."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

After setting down his bag in his quarters, Jim sunk into the bed and stared at the ceiling. He didn't know what came over him, when he saw Uhura, but he didn't like it (well he did like it). The anger that he felt scared him. He would never hit Uhura, but there was some part of him that wanted to hurt her just as she had hurt him. Sure, she hadn't hurt him as bad as McCoy or Spock, but she had hurt him. She was the unvoiced hatred of the crew, and that hurt him in ways that Jim didn't think was possible. The thought that his crew, his trust crew that he would do any for, couldn't trust him ate at him.

The looks from Spock and McCoy were the worse. There was no one that he trusted more than them, and to have them turn on him felt as it his heart had been ripped from his chest with a wooden spoon. Though after a while, he stopped paying attention, but the damage had already been done. His heart had been broken and there was no fixing it. And he didn't care if it was…no, that wasn't true. He didn't want it fix, because he didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to be hurt again, because he knew if he couldn't take it again. He barely made it through the last time.

Standing up, he went to the bag and unpacked it. He placed the two uniforms in the closet in the order to keep them nice and clean, not that he cared. Why should he care what he looked like? He wasn't staying with Starfleet. He didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought, even though he had to play along to make Pike happy. He would make sure that Pike was happy with his acting.

Sighing, Jim turned to the replicator and got a drink of water. His very essence screamed for alcohol, but his mind screamed against it. He needed a break from the alcohol, because if he didn't take it easy, he could lose it. He didn't want to be control by alcohol. He didn't want to be controlled by anything, or anyone. He had enough of not having any control over his own life. He was going to take back his own life, even if it killed him.

He swirled the glass as he thought about his life. This wasn't at all how he pictured it. Sure, he never pictured that he would enter Starfleet and become a Captain, but he never expected this. He never expected to be a washout captain with no future. He took a deep breath. He didn't know why he ever expected anything else. He should've learned growing up.

He dropped down into a chair near the replicator, as a sudden weight overcame him. His life had gone so wrong. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way, and Jim knew that thanks to Nero and Selek. He didn't know how to handle that fact. His life wasn't supposed to be this messed up. His fingers danced in the water as he took a deep breath. He wished he didn't know. He wished he had no idea of the other James T. Kirk.

Jim didn't look up when the door slid open. He knew who it was, as he knew her. She would be worried about him. "Aurelan, do you like your quarters?" His wet fingers dropped to his lap and he started to swirl the glass. He stared at the water as it smacked against the glass.

"It's nice. I could do with a new neighbor, though." She eyed the drink in his hand.

Without looking up, he smiled. "I see you're making friends." His eyes were focus on the movement of the water.

She chuckled. "Well, you can switch quarters with me."

"I'm too lazy for that," he laughed.

She snorted. "Oh, I know. And it is such a shame. Your quarters are so much nicer than mine."

Jim glanced toward her. Their quarters were in two completely different sections, and he had no idea if his quarters were nicer than hers. He didn't really care, since he only needed a bed. Who cared about anything else? "So who is this neighbor that you don't like?"

Aurelan was silent, wondering if she should say it. "Your mother," she breathed after a few minutes.

Jim's head shot up. His mother? His mother was here? Sure, he knew she had planned to come and to bring him, but he never thought she would go without him. He doubted anyone would want her here. "Really?" he said through his teeth.

"Yep, and she was oh so happy to see me. Your mother never liked me."

Jim wasn't sure what kind of relationship Aurelan and his mother had, but he knew it was better than his. Anyone's relationship with his mother was better than his, and at first, he wondered why. But now, he knew perfectly well. "You had a better relationship with her than I did." He stood. The thought of his mother made him want to drink even more. He couldn't deal with his ex-lover, ex-best-friend, ex-crew, and his mother all in the same place; however, he wasn't going to drink to hide from his problem anymore.

"Jim," she called slowly to him. Her voice was soft.

"I'm taking a walk," he said suddenly. He disappeared from the room quickly. He needed to get his mind off drinking.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Though Spock had been worrying about Jim in the most non-Vulcan way, he had other things to worry about (even if it was impossible to think about anything besides Jim). The event was important and he must represent Starfleet. It was his job; however, after the event, he would focus his attention on Jim. He would do everything that he could to find Jim and never let the Human out of his sight, even if Jim would never forget him.

Spock took a deep breath as focusing on Jim now would be would be pointless, because he couldn't do anything from this planet. He needed to focus on what he could do. However, that was impossible. Jim would always be on his mind, and there would not be one second that guilt didn't fill him.

Standing from the mediation rug, Spock straightened his robes and headed to the closet to change into his uniform. There was doubt that Spock would be sane if it wasn't for his mediations. It was the one thing that kept his emotions in check. After changing, he took a quick glance in the mirror. The senior members of the Enterprise were having a meeting later to discuss what was to be expected of them at this event. Spock had no doubt why Pitts wanted to have the meeting. Pitts didn't think too highly of them, and Spock didn't blame him. Betraying one's captain was a horrible offense, and each member of the senior crew besides Mister Scott and Chekov were guilty of it.

After making sure he was presentable, he exited his quarters and headed toward Pitts quarters. Pitts wanted to discuss something with him in private, and Spock could only assume it had to do with the productivity of the crew. It had been decreasing since Kirk's resignation, and they both knew why. The crew wasn't use to the way that Pitts ran the ship, but that didn't mean that Pitts would ease up.

"Spock."

His name pulled him out of his thoughts. "Father," he responded as he turned to him.

"I came to enquire on your emotional state," he said calmly.

Spock stared at his father. Before the death of his mother, his father had never enquired about his mental state. It was a subject that his mother always tried to touch, while his father never did. It was common for Vulcans to keep everything inside even from their mates. He remembered how frustrated his mother was, because she had a hard time getting anything out of his father or him. So it was strange to hear his father ask. "I have a meeting with the Captain that I must attend to." He had no interest in sharing with his father. He knew his father was ashamed of him for his actions against Kirk, and Sarek had every right, because Spock had brought shame to the family. However, he felt betrayed by his father, because Sarek kept Kirk's secret.

"At times, Spock, it is best to speak one's mind."

Sarek had asked Spock to speak his mind before. It had helped him, but he wasn't interested in doing it again. He didn't want to share what he was feeling with anyone. "I do not have time."

"Very well," Sarek responded.

Spock nodded and made his way to the Captain's room, leaving his father alone in the hallway. He walked away in silence, because there was nothing else to say. Making his way to Pitts' room, his mind wandered back to his father. He had no idea what his father was thinking. There was a part of him that wondered. Was his father truly ashamed of him? Did he regret having him as his son?

Entering the room, Spock looked around. Pitts was at the desk, working on the computer, and though his attention was solely focused on the computer, he did not fail to notice Spock's arrival. "Sit, Commander, we have a lots to talk about."

"Yes, Sir." Spock took the seat across from the Captain. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Reassignment of certain members of the Enterprise," Pitts said.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Sarek stared in the direction that his son went off in. He had been worried about his son's mental state the second he had told him he was ashamed of him. Sarek had never been ashamed of his son before, even when Spock turned down the Vulcan Science Academy. Though he had never showered it, he was always proud of Spock, but his actions toward Kirk were shameful. He was not aware that his son could be so cold to another being; however, he was still his son. He had seen the effects of learning the truth about Jim.

With his arms folded behind his back, Sarek walked through the hallways as he thought. There was a lot on his mind as he thought about the changes in the timeline. He didn't know how much, but he knew that life would have been different. His homeland would still exist as well as Amanda, and it broke his heart, a heart he denied at times, that he knew this wasn't supposed to happen. Amanda was still supposed to be alive and Vulcan was supposed to still be there.

As he walked, he could hear footsteps around the corner. He could tell the footsteps came from a man, who was fairly light in weight. And if Sarek had to judge from the footsteps, the man wasn't in a hurry. It seemed liked the man was walking aimlessly, lost in thought. As Sarek rounded the corner, the man came into view. Sarek focused his eyes on James T. Kirk, who did not think he would ever see again.

"Ambassador Sarek."

"James Kirk, it is nice to see you again," Sarek greeted with a standard Vulcan expression. "I was not expecting your presence here."

Kirk took a deep breath. "I wasn't either, but here I am." He paused as he looked down. "I would like to apology for my actions before. I was rotten to you."

Sarek took a deep long look at Kirk. "There is no need to apology to me."

Kirk jumped in quickly. "Why? Because it's illogical?" he asked, snappy.

"No," Sarek answered, startling Kirk. "You were not in the wrong." Kirk stared at him, blinking. "My son was wrong. In turn, we were wrong."

Kirk just stared. It was clear that he wasn't expecting it. "Sir?"

"I believe it is us, who should apology to you."

Kirk's month hung open.

"Spock had acted shamefully, and I have told him this," he said as he crossed to Kirk.

There was silence. "You told Spock you were ashamed of him," Kirk said slowly after a few seconds. "Does that mean he knows?" He reflexed his fist.

"He does," Sarek answered.

"Who told him?" Kirk asked harshly.

Sarek stared at Kirk, as he tried to figure out what Kirk was thinking. "I do not know. He came to me to find out why you told me instead of him. He was greatly hurt by that."

Kirk's face was distorted at that though. "I don't care. I just want to know how long he knew and who the hell told him."

"James, does it matter? He is truly sorry for the pain that he has caused you."

"You're worried about him? Aren't you supposed to be ashamed of him?" Kirk snapped. "I don't care what he's feeling! He has no right to worry about me!" He shook his head and took a few steps away from the Vulcan. He stared at the wall as he tried to figure out what to say. "I'm over him," he said after a few seconds.

"I never said you were not," Sarek commented as he turned to face Kirk's back.

"Because I am," he muttered. Kirk shook his head again and turned away from the wall.

"Of course, James Kirk," Sarek said. He watched Kirk closely.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you."

"There is no need to apology. I believe I have already told you that," Sarek responded.

Kirk laughed. "I need to remember that." He turned his head to look at Sarek. "Thank you," he said and turned away. "See you later, Ambassador." Kirk disappeared around a corner and out of sight.

Sarek watched him go. It was nice to see Kirk and how he was doing. He wished he could do something for Kirk, because he had started to consider Kirk family, and Spock had hurt him.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

"So he knows," Jim muttered. He always wondered what would happen when Spock found out the truth. He wondered if Spock would seek him out. There was a part of him that hoped that Spock would, but there was also a part of him that wished that he would never see Spock again. However, Spock didn't need to seek him out, when they were both on the same goddamn planet going to the same goddamn party.

There was no doubt that Spock would see him and now since he knew, he would want to speak with him. But Jim didn't want to speak with him. He had no interest in speaking with him. He hoped that he could avoid him, and he would do everything in his power to do so.

As he walked, Jim came across a bar. He could see the alcohol and he could practically smell and taste it. Before he was able to fight off the urge to drink, but now, he didn't know if he had the will power. He didn't think he would be able to deal with both Spock and McCoy (there was no doubt that McCoy knew). He needed a drink. Grabbing a stool at the bar, Jim took a seat. The bartender came over and asked him what he wanted. Jim ordered a beer, and the man set the glass down in front of Jim and walked away.

Jim stared at the glass. He swirled it and watched the alcohol as it flew around the glass. He stared at it for god knew how long as he struggled with himself. He knew what it did to him, and he wanted to keep himself in check. But it was so tempting. He stopped swirling it and brought it to his noise. He smelt it, which wasn't a good idea. It made him want to drink it more. He put it down and glared at it. He didn't need it. He really did need it.

But he wanted it. He really really wanted it. But should he? Would one drink hurt? He didn't think one drink would hurt. He wasn't a light weight in any means, and he could handle quite a few drinks before he even felt it. He picked up the glass and bright it to be slips. He tipped the glass up.

"Kaptain Kirk!"

Startled, Jim put down his drink and looked in the direction that he heard his name. "Chekov," he muttered as he saw the Russian. Why did he keep running into people from the Enterprise? But he didn't mind this one. He missed the little cute Russian.

"Kaptain Kirk," he yelled again as he ran over to Jim. When he got there, he hugged Jim tightly. "I missed you."

Jim didn't know what to do, as Chekov hug him. "You can let me go now," he stated calmly.

"O, sorry," he said in a thick Russian ascent. He took a step back and smiled at Jim. "I knev I sav you! Scotty didn't beliewe me!"

Jim laughed as he looked at Chekov's face. The kid was a really adorable kid, and if (big if) he took the new ship, he would make sure that Chekov was assigned to that ship. "He should now." He picked up the glass, still tempted to drink it. "How are you, Chekov?"

"I'm vell! But I don't like the nev Kaptain. Ve miss you."

Jim figured the crew would've enjoyed him not being there, but he guessed not. He had only meet Captain Pitts once, and he knew he didn't like him. Pitts was very over bearing in the conversion that Jim had with Pike, and that was just a conversion. He hated to see how he was in charge. He felt bad for the enterprise, but they needed it. "Is that so? Captain Pitts can't be that bad?"

"But he is!"

Jim knew he was, but there wasn't anything he could do about…well unless he took up Pike's offer. He could take back his Enterprise…When was it his ship again? "You have to give him a chance." He stood up and held the glass close to his chest.

"I did, Sir!" Chekov said loudly. "He is wean, Kaptian."

The area started to get noise as people filled into the room. Jim scanned the crowd. "It doesn't matter. He's your Captain." He didn't know why he was defending the Captain. He didn't really like him.

"I knov, Sir," he said, sounding like a puppy. He backed as he looked at the clock on the wall. "I hawe to go. Meeting vith the Kaptian."

Jim looked over the crowd one last time. "I should be-" The glass fell from his hand and shattered as it hit the floor. The alcohol soaked everything as it was a full glass.

Chekov became very worried about his Captain, yes his Captain. "Vhat wrong, Kaptain Kirk?"

This couldn't be happening. Jim should've known that they would be here, but he never thought that he would run into the Daleniens here.

"Kaptain?"

"I need to get out of here," Jim said softly. It was almost impossible to hear.

Chekov looked at Jim and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go."

"What about your meeting?" Jim asked very shaky. His whole body was shaking.

Chekov smiled. "Vhat meeting?"

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Uhura hated herself. How could she have done that to Jim? Could she not see that he was hurting? She didn't care before. It was all about Spock, because she loved him. She was worried about him and she couldn't see anything else. She should've noticed that something was wrong. She prided herself in her ability as a communication officer; she should've seen the signs. Walking toward Pitts's quarters, she decided she was going to tell Spock, because he needed to know. He had to know, so he could fix it.

Entering the quarters, she could see Spock standing near the back wall, while Pitts sat at his desk. McCoy was sitting quietly in a chair in a corner. Sulu was also sitting in a chair across from Pitts with a P.A.D.D. on his lap. Scotty was leaning by the door with a P.A.D.D. in his hand. Chekov was missing, which was strange. That boy was never late to anything. It made her worry, but she had other more important things to worry about. She needed to tell Spock right away, so they could save Jim. Maybe, they could get him back.

Uhura rushed toward Spock, but she didn't make it. "Lt Uhura, you can talk to your boyfriend after the meeting," Pitts said, glaring at her.

"Yes, Sir," she said, not bothering to correct him.

But Spock did. "She is not my girlfriend."

Pitts stared at him and turned to the door. "Where is Chekov? Have any one seen Ensign Chekov?" No one had seen him, and Pitts sounded angry. He muttered something to himself. "Let's get down to business."

 _Yes, it's over!_ Uhura thought as the meeting ended. She needed to speak with Spock.

Spock was the first one of the room, and it was clear that something was on his mind. McCoy was next, followed by Sulu and Scotty. Uhura tried to get out before than them, but she couldn't. They were the closest to the door. By the time, she made it out of the door. Spock was down the hallway.

"Spock!" She yelled, startling everyone around her. They stared at her as she ran down the hallway. Spock stopped and turned around. He remained there, most likely wondering if he wanted to wait or not. "Spock, please wait! This is about Kirk." The one name froze everyone.

"What is it, LT. Uhura?" Spock asked, interested. "It has better be important as I will not stand for insults against Kirk."

McCoy followed up behind her, but he didn't say anything. Sulu and Scotty stood a few yards away from McCoy.

Uhura looked away. She had started to wonder if she should do this, but she had to. She had to tell them the truth. "K-Jim," she started, switching to his first name. She couldn't be distance with this. "He didn't cheat on you." Her statement startled everyone, because it was the last thing anyone thought she would say.

"I know, LT Uhura, but how do you know?" Spock asked.

Uhura blinked. How did he know? And why wasn't he trying to find Kirk?

McCoy stared at Uhura. "Yea, how do you know?" Sulu and Scotty were watching in silence.

"He told me!" So McCoy knew too? And he wasn't trying to find Kirk, either? What kind of a best friend was McCoy?

"And you believe him now?" McCoy asked as he stepped toward her. "What changed?"

Uhura brought her hands to her chest, wondering if she should tell them in the middle of the hallway, but they had to know that they were wrong, even if they already seemed to know. "He told me truth that he was raped." She thought she could hear a pin drop.

"When? When did he tell you this?" McCoy snarled. "And you didn't tell us before? Did you enjoy his pain?"

"You have no room to talk!" She glared at him. She was confused. Did or didn't he know? "He told me today," Uhura said. She was too worried about Jim to care about McCoy's snarl.

"How?" Sulu asked. Scotty was silent. McCoy was glaring at her, and Spock was just staring at her.

"He's here."


	11. The U.S.S. Future?

Jim stood in front of the mirror, playing with the collar of his uniform. He would switch into his formal robes later, but for now, he would remain in the standard uniform to meet with Admiral Pike. Pike had requested his presence and he ordered him to wear the damn uniform. He didn't want to, as it reminded him how much he missed it, but he made a deal with Pike, and he wasn't going to go back on his part of the deal. He was a man of his word to the very end.

Stepping away from the mirror, he took a deep breath and headed to the door. He knew he agreed to this, but that did not mean he had to like it. He didn't like it, because it just reminded him how much his life sucked. It reminded him how much he missed the captain's chair. It reminded him of how good life was and good it could do. He knew he could never go back and it hurt.

The door to his room slid open to reveal Pike, and to Jim's happiness, no Pitts. Jim couldn't stand that man and he wouldn't admit why to anything or anyone. "Pike," he greeted with a slight smile that he had to force. It didn't have anything to do with Pike, though Jim wouldn't explain that to the old man. It had to do with everything else.

"Jim," he greeted back. He took a real long look at Jim, which didn't sit well with the blond. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you look horrible."

"Geez, and I thought I look so cute," he replied, running his hand through his hair. He headed past Pike to the door.

"Jim," Pike called after him.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Pike took a deep breath. "You never want to talk about it."

He had good reason to why he didn't want to talk about it, and no, he wouldn't admit those reasons for anything, even under torture. "Why did you invite them?" he asked after a few moments of silence. He wondered why Starfleet would invite both the Daleniens and him. But if Jim were to think about it, he knew the reason. No one in their right mind though he was going to show up. Hell, he didn't think he would end up here. It took his brother's ex-girlfriend to convince him to come, when no one else could. She didn't have any had any hided motives like his mother.

"First, I didn't invite anyone. I'm just an Admiral; I don't have that power," Pike said, staring at Jim's back. "And two, who are you taking about? You mother? Starfleet didn't invite her. She talked her way in with the Federation."

Though he didn't want to deal with his mother, it wasn't the issue. Jim shook his head and turned back to Pike. He took a deep breath. "The Daleniens."

Pike took a deep breath. "Jim….I… Jim." He struggled to find the right words.

"You knew?" Jim roared. "You know those things are here?" He shook his head. "How could you invite those beasts?" For the first time, Jim saw anger in Pike's eyes. Why was he so angry? He wasn't raped, wasn't shunned off his own ship, and lost everything that he ever cared about. AND Pike was blackmailing him. He couldn't forget about that. Why would he care about Pike's anger? "They destroy everything that they come into contact with. They deserve-"

"ENOUGH," Pike snapped. "Just enough! You can't judge a whole race by one person. Just look at the human race. We're filled with murders and rapists."

Jim knew that Pike was right, but he didn't care. Daleniens were alike and that was evidence when they tried to force Starfleet into handling Jim over to his rapist.

"And only a certain nobles were invited from Dalenius. You should know that doesn't include Salean."

Salean was the name of the one, who raped Jim, and it still sent chills down his spine. He never wanted to hear that name again. "How do you know that he isn't with them?"

"You know as well as I do that no one can sneak into a Starfleet event."

Jim shook his head and turned his back on Pike. He wasn't in the mood to talk anymore, as if he wanted to talk in the first place, and it wouldn't do any good anyways, because they would just get into a fight over the Daleniens. "Let's just get this over with."

*O*O*

It wasn't as bad as Jim thought it would be: meeting and discussing Starfleet items with other officers. Jim would never admit the fact that he enjoyed it, because he didn't, well…that was what he told himself. He didn't want to admit that he liked talking to these old Starfleet Goats, who kept telling him that he should be the New Captain of the U.S.S. Providence. A part of him wished he could take that ship, while other a part of him want to be the Captain of the Enterprise again (like that would happen); however, there was a third a part of him that wanted nothing to do with Starfleet. Jim had no idea which part of himself to choose, and that was the problem with Pike's deal. It made him doubt everything. It made him doubt all of his decisions that he made.

He did not like that feeling. He did not like it at all.

*O*O*

Jim sat with his back against the wall as Pike argued with a few other Admirals. About what? He didn't care. He stopped listening after the first hour, as he couldn't take how stupid they sounded. He didn't understand how people would fight over the same thing for over two hours. To him, it seemed pointless and a waste of time to fight over anything, when no one wanted to change their minds, but he knew that someone had to agreed. Someone had to change their mind. Eventually one of the Admirals would need to change his or her mind and the other ones would follow suit.

He eyed the Admirals. He had an idea of who would fold first and it was the big Women, who looked like she smelled something disgusting. His first reaction was that it was him (and he wasn't referring to his smell as he didn't smell), but it appeared that all of the Admirals were pleased at his presence, which surprised him but at the same time didn't. No, he realized that she had no interest in things like these. She was like him in the sense that she would rather be in the action than talking about the actions. She was probably a recently promoted Admiral, who missed the field.

The Admiral next the big woman, in Jim's opinion, would be the hardest to convince. The thin man was leaning on the table with his eyes scanning the other admirals, but his eyes never stayed on anyone for too long. He looked at each of them like they were inferior, which didn't stay well with Jim.

Next to that Admiral was a bigger set Admiral, who seemed like he had been to too many weightlifter challenges, but Jim would tell from the Admiral eyes that he was an old softly with a kind soul. This man was already on Pike's side, but he would be a very useful tool to gain support.

There were a few other Admirals present, but they were the same to Jim and they were yelling at each other. Jim wasn't sure if it was over the same thing or something else, but again, he didn't care. He didn't even know why he was in this damn meeting. Even if he wasn't really a captain anymore, he had no reason to be in this meeting, but he guessed Pike wanted to keep him close, which was smart.

Jim wondered for a brief second what his old crew was doing at that moment. Did Uhura tell everyone his deep dirty secret? Were they looking for him? He hoped they weren't as he didn't want to deal with them. Did that change anything if they were sorry? Would he cave if they all came to him on their knees? He would like to think he wouldn't, but he wouldn't know until he was in that situation.

"Captain Kirk."

Though he would like to see them suffer for the pain that they each caused him, he didn't want to become that kind of person, who enjoyed the pain of others. That would mean he was one of them.

"Kirk."

Was someone calling his name?

"JIM!"

His head flew up to the whole room looking at him. _O, great… What did I miss?_ He took a deep breath before taking a long at Pike. "Yes?"

"What do you think?" Pike asked with a slight smile and it was clear that he knew that Jim wasn't paying attention.

_Shit…._ What should he do? Should he admit that he wasn't paying attention? In school when he admitted that he wasn't paying attention, it made him look cool, but that was then. If he did that now, he would look like a fool. He was James T. Kirk, and he wouldn't allow himself to look like a damn fool, even if he was a fool. "Why would you like the opinion of a Captain, who hadn't been on a Starship in months?"

"You're not just any Captain, Captain Kirk," the Big Women Admiral said. Her eyes soften a bit, when she looked at him.

"Yes, I know, but still…" Jim didn't want to finish that sentence and he knew he didn't have to. They all knew what happen to him and they all knew that he wasn't….stable. Well, they had idea, but only Pike really knew how unstable he was at the moment.

"Nothing changes the fact that you're the reason why we're here," said the lean Admiral, who looked like he was sitting on glass. "So what do you think?"

Jim still had no idea of what they were talking about; he could guess, but he wouldn't know to say. He took a glance at Pike, who still had a slight smile on his face, which may or may not be helpful. Jim straightened up in his seat and took a deep breath. One way or another, he would be making a fool about himself. He might as well look cool like a pickle. Hey, he liked pickles. "No idea is prefect and there'll be problems with each idea," Jim started, taking a look around the room, "but with the right person, those issues can be tackled." He had no idea if there were really any issues… "I believe that it's good idea as long as there is 100% effort place in it." Shit, he just spoke out his ass….and it sounded stupid.

Pike stood and had a big smile on his face, which made Jim wonder what the fuck just happened. "And does that help you, Admiral Komack?"

That surprised him as Jim didn't even know that man was here. He glanced toward the man, who sitting in the corner of the room, and he was staring right back at him. What was happening? Jim didn't have an idea and he hated it.

"I had no doubts to begin with, and now, I believe it would be a great idea. I believe this will bring support our cause," Komack said, looking around the room. "Are we all agreed?" All the Admirals nodded, which surprised Jim as none of them could agree before…What did Jim agree to? "Then it is settled." He stood, which cued the others.

Jim looked around still unsure of what the hell just happened, but he knew the meeting had come to an end.

"James Kirk will be the New Captain of the U.S.S. Providence," Komack said as they, besides Pike, all headed to the door.

Jim stood so fast that the room spun and no words of protest came to lips as all of the Admirals left leaving Jim alone with Pike.

"Jim, are you okay?" Pike asked.

Shaking his head, Jim spoke, ''WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" He took another deep breath to calm himself as yelling wouldn't help anyone. He had done enough of that.

"If you were paying attention, Jim, you would know exactly what that was," Pike said, leaning against the wall. "It was the reason why you were here. Why else would I bring a Captain to an Admiral Meeting?"

Fuck, Jim knew there was a reason. "Why didn't you tell me?" Pike only stared at him. "Fine, fine. I guessed I should've paid attention, but you ambushed me!" His hands balled. Sure, he would love to captain that ship, but he couldn't. He wasn't ready….well that was what he told himself, and he wouldn't be ready if he didn't move forward. "You tricked me! You know I'm resigning _again_ after this. Why in hell would you give me a ship?!"

"I know, but I need people to think you're the Captain. I won't bore you with the reason why. After the gala, we can say that you can't accept the ship due to Medical Reasons, but right now just agree to it."

He couldn't believe this. How could this happen to him? Giving him ship knowing that he would just walk away from it. That was going to hurt, when he did give it up. "I know what you're thinking. That I won't resign and take the commission."

"I think you will, but in case you don't, your medical leave will give you the perfect reason not to take the commission if it's your wish to resign."

"Fine, I'll pretend to take the commission for the time being." He shook his head. "Why do I feel like a puppet?"

"It isn't just you."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Aurelan sat at the bar with a drink in her hand. She had just ran into Jim's mother, who had dragged Sam along with her, and the sight of her ex was just too much for her. However, it could've been worse if Sam's wife would've come as well. She didn't think she would be able to deal with the woman, but that didn't matter as Winona was worse than she remembered. A part of her felt bad for Mrs. Sam Kirk, but another part was glad as it was the best kind of torture. Sam, on the other hand, was exactly how she remembered him, and she had to remind herself that he was taken. She took a deep breath.

If it wasn't for Jim, she would leave, but she wouldn't abandon him here to fend for himself, even if she had every urge to do so. He needed her, when he was surrendered by sharks. She still couldn't under how anyone could betray Jim the way they did. It didn't matter what he did, even if he did something. He was their Captain and he needed them.

She downed the drink and ordered another one. She knew she shouldn't be drinking, as Jim was struggling with the issue himself. She needed to be strong for him, but she needed to drink. The Bartender set another glass in front of her and she grabbed it quickly.

"You should never drink along," a stranger said in a southern accent.

Aurelan turned her head to the stranger, who was wearing a Blue Starfleet uniform with a medical badge. "And you should never drink with strangers."

"True," he said slowly, but he still took the seat next to her. "Leonard McCoy," he said as the Bartender handed him a drink. "It's nice to meet you." He tipped his glass to her.

McCoy? Jim's McCoy? The bastard who betrayed his best friend? Her blood started to boil. How could anyone do that to his or her friend? It made her sick.

The friend -betrayer took a deep slip of his glass. "So what's a lady like you doing here?"

"Not talking to a bastard like you," she said, standing up. The room spun. But she didn't care.

"Now wait a second." He remained sitting, but he rotated to face her.

"What? You don't like my tone? It's what you deserve for turning your back on your best friend," she paused as she noticed the look on his face. "You and that so called crew treated Jim like shit!" She picked up her drink and threw it in his face. "You deserve so much more!" She yelled before storming away.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

So he was once again a Captain of a Starfleet Vessel and it felt….it felt nice. No, that wasn't quite right. It felt great, so fucken great, and he didn't know if he would be able to give it up. Maybe that was Pike's plan in the first place and for that Jim loved and hated him, but would it be so bad for him to take the Vessel? He hated that fucken farm house. He hated that fucken town. He hated being normal. He wanted to be something more, which was what being Starfleet was all about. But he wouldn't go anywhere else. It was safe. He didn't have to worry about people. By going back to that town, it was like Starfleet days never happened.

But…

Jim took a deep breath as he stared at the clear liquid in the glass in front of him.

It didn't matter what he wanted, because he wasn't stable. The glass in front of him was proof of that. A ship could not have an unstable leader, and that was what he was. He tried to kill himself, he had a habit of drinking himself to death, and he could rather shot first. Granted he hadn't shot anyone, but he did almost kill those cadets. He was also judging a whole race by just one person. Pike was right earlier about the Daleniens, even if Jim didn't want him to be. He never wanted to forgive that race for what it did to him, but he also knew he couldn't really blame the whole race.

Jim stared at himself in the mirror as he wore his formal Uniform, which he hated, but at the moment, he enjoyed the feeling of being in the gray dress uniform. It made him feel like he was worth something, and with that feeling, James T. Kirk felt like he could do anything. He smiled, really smiled, even if he knew this would end. He wouldn't allow himself, an unstable person, to take control over a ship.

He took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, when the door to his room opened. "Captain Pitts," he said. He wasn't expecting to see him at his door. Well, he didn't want to see him at his door for that man had everything that he had let go.

"I hear you decided to take the Providence."

"So," Jim muttered. Sure, he didn't really take it, but no one was supposed to know that. Besides, it would really be his ship for a short time.

"So you don't want the Enterprise anymore?"

Though Jim knew Pitts was just a filler, it was still strange that Pitts wanted him to take the ship from him. "The Enterprise doesn't want me," he said bitterly. "Let's talk about something else."

"How are you, Kirk?"

Jim stared at this man. Why would he care about him? "Fine, why?"

"You don't need to lie to me. I know you aren't fine." Pitt leaned back against a wall, watching Jim like a hawk. "I know that you aren't all there. You haven't been complete since you were raped."

How did everyone know that? C'mon, it was confidential. "I should've known that you knew." Pitts must be someone if he knew. The question was who he was to Starfleet.

"I do think you should keep the Providence. It'll help you heal."

Jim stared at him. He didn't know if he wanted to be angry or listen to the advice of the old man. He had no right to tell him what to do, but at the same time, he needed to listen to someone else. Because listening to himself wasn't working and it was only hurting him. He didn't know when he had become so negative with himself, because he knew he was negative about himself before the Rape. "What do you know about me?" It wasn't as harsh as he would have liked.

"I know more than you think, Kirk," Pitts said. He looked over Jim, but Jim could not see one judgmental look. "You won't heal unless you let yourself heal." He straightened himself away from the wall.

Jim wanted to argue with him, but there was nothing that Pitt said which was wrong. Jim wouldn't allow himself to heal as he kept everything inside and he refused to let anyone in. He had let Selek in, well somewhat and that had saved him. He didn't think he would've last on the Enterprise without that old Vulcan. "Is that the reason for your visit? To lecture me?" Sure, he could use the advice, but he was sick of people telling him that he was wrong.

"No, Kirk." With that he turned and headed toward the door, but before he left the confused Jim, he said one last thing. "Don't worry about Ensign Chekov. There will be no punishment." Pitts was gone.

"What was that all about?" Jim shook his head. Pitts was up to something, but Jim didn't know what. He would assume that it was the same thing that Pike was up to. But he was glad his Russian was safe.

The door to his room slid open.

"Dude, I don't want…" Jim turned around to see Selek, who he hadn't seen since the meld. "O' Hey, I didn't know it was you."

"Clearly," Selek said as he stepped into the room. "How are you feeling, Jim?"

Though Jim knew that Selek wasn't like other Vulcans, it was still strange to be asked how he felt. "Truly, like shit, but I do feel better than I did."

"I am pleased to hear that. You have come a long way since the last time I saw you," Selek said. His eyes were soft.

"Well considering I was in a hospital bed, I can see why," Jim teased. He always felt comfortable round Selek; he would almost feel like himself.

Selek walked across the room and toward the glass on the top. "Have you been drinking, Jim?"

"Not today," Jim muttered. He hated that he couldn't stop drinking and that he was disappointing Selek by drinking. "I'm…" Jim started, but didn't finish as Selek silenced with his hand.

"You can never disappoint me, Jim. I admire your strength," Selek said.

Jim laughed. "I don't have any strength."

"You cannot see it, but you do. You would not be here if you did not."

"Keep this stuff up and I might believe you," Jim said as crossed to the bed and sat down.

"Then I shall keep saying it," Selek said as he picked up the glass and dumped it out in the bathroom. Jim just watched as Selek came back into the room. "You do not need to drink, Jim, to forget the past. You need to remember that you have a future."

"You talk as if it's easy. It's not."

"Jim, I never-"

Jim cut him off. "I know. I know. I'm trying. Maybe, not like everyone wants me to, but I am. It's just going to take some time." He knew that Selek was correct, and he wanted to believe him, but he needed to forget the past as it was haunting him, telling him that he wasn't good enough.

"Let's take a walk," Selek said, heading back toward the door.

"Okay," Jim said, as he headed out the door with Selek. He felt safe with the old Vulcan even though he knew that the main event was going to start soon, and he knew he would run into his worst nightmares.

*O*O*

Jim stood at the entrance of the main hall. He had seen the room yesterday and he didn't believe it was this big.

Though the event wasn't supposed to start for a few more hours, Pike had requested Jim's presence, and if Jim had to guess, he supposed it had to do with the Providence as its hologram was in the center of the hall. Jim wouldn't stop staring at the ship as it could be his if he wanted it. He did want it, but he wanted a lot of things, which he couldn't have. Jim took a deep breath.

The room had a blue theme to, which Jim thought had to do with the Planet's obsession with water. The inhabitants had placed a great value on water as they saw it as the beginning of all life. Though Jim had to give it to them, he did not like the idea of walking in water during the whole event. Granted it was only an inch of water, but it was enough to make a mess of everything. It soaked the bottom of his pants and water sprayed every time he took a step, but nonetheless the inhabitants thought of it as a blessing every time water touched their skin.

He looked around the room and noticed the stage, which had the Federation Symbol proudly displayed in different shades of blue. Blue columns, which looked like ice, shined brightly at the sides of the stage. Clear tables were scattered around the room and chairs circled each table. The blue lights made the tables sparkle as if they were sitting in moon light. Jim had to admit that the room looked nice, but he could do without the water on the floor.

Next to the Providence that attracted Jim's attention again stood Pike, who held a P.A.D.D. in his hand. He was looking at it with a hard glance. "Pike, you called?" he asked, when he finally decided to enter the room.

Pike looked and narrowed his eyes at him. "Sometimes, I think you're a child."

Jim shrugged. "Aren't we all children when we look at it? We'll never know everything that we should. Wisdom is what separate children from adults."

"Even if we have wisdom, it does not make us adults."

"Isn't that the truth?" Jim asked as he crossed to the Hologram. "So what did you want to discuss? And No, I don't want to talk about _it_ , and I don't want to talk about _them._ " Jim could not stress that enough.

"No, I get the fact that you refuse to talk about it and I know pushing you won't help," Pike said as he turned his back on hologram. "But I'm here if you want to talk about it."

It touched Jim to heart to hear Pike say that as the old man was like a father to him. "I know and thank you," he said. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"The _Providence_ ," Pike said as he handed him the P.A.D.D. "You need to look this over before tonight." It was clear why as the Providence seemed to be a key figure in tonight events. "She's quite the ship."

"I bet." Jim looked it really quick, and he could see that it was something, which he would love to Captain. "Is there something else?"

"It'll be announced tonight that you'll be the Captain."

Jim couldn't help but grind his teeth. He didn't want it to be announced as he was just going to resign again. It would just make it worse, because he knew people would be laughing at him, well more than usual. "I guess I can deal with that," he said through his teeth.

"Jim," he spoke.

"Do I need to do anything special?" Jim hoped he didn't have to name a crew anything, because that would suck.

"Nothing too special. Just nod and look pretty." That was something Jim could do. "And oh, during the event, you just need to socialize with some of the Officials."

_Urgh_ , Jim thought. That was the worst part of these things. He hated talking about politics with key officials as they each had their own opinion, which was always correct. They also had a god complex to them as they thought they were gifts from the heavens, but really, they were just annoying pests. "Really? I thought I was done with that shit." Though officials annoyed, he hated talking small talk. He sucked at it.

"You'll never be done with it, Captain Kirk," Pike laughed.

"Really? Oh' man, that sucks," he laughed.

"Yes, even if your resign. You'll always be the great James T. Kirk."

"I don't know about the great part, but I guess I'll always be James T. Kirk….well I could change my name." He tried to hand back the P.A.D.D., but Pike made no effort to take it back.

"To what?" Pike joked.

"Well, Chris seems like a good name," Jim teased, as he turned away from Pike to stare the Hologram. He missed being a Captain, and although he thought about of how much he missed it, he knew he couldn't go back, as he didn't trust himself. He was up and down; he had no idea of how he would react any more.

"You can't have that name. It's mine."

"Well, hey, I'm James T. Kirk. If I want it, I can have it," Jim joked. It felt weird to say those words, because they were true. He had the choice to come back to the Starfleet or not. It was all up to him. He just had to say yes.

Pike smirked. "Now, that's what I want to hear, but you still can't have my name."

"You can't copyright name."

"I can, and I did." Pike chuckled as he turned away from the hologram and slowly walked away. "I'll see you later, Captain. Don't be late."

"I'm never late," Jim said.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

George Samuel Kirk was his own person, who would never live in any one's shadow, even though he shared the name of his dead father. You would've thought that he would've been haunted by that fact, but he wasn't. He didn't care that his father died a hero; in fact, he was pissed. How could his father die and leave his family behind? Sure, he knew his father had saved hundreds of people's lives, but that didn't change the fact that he left his family alone with his memory that wouldn't let them live. But he refused to let it control him. He wouldn't allow anyone to direct his life, which was why he ran away from home and never looked back. But that didn't mean he didn't think about the life he left behind.

Every single day, he worried about his little brother, who was haunted by the ghost. Unlike him, Jim looked like their dead father, and unlike him, Jim had to live in their father's shadow. He had to prove that he was worth the death of their father, even if it wasn't his fault, and it was impossible for him live up to their father's shadow, which Jim was reminded of every single day by their mother and Frank.

And now, Jim was suffering again and there was nothing he could do to help his little brother, even if tried, because Jim didn't want his help. He didn't blame Jim as he did abandon when they were kids. He left him along in the torture, and for that he would never forgive himself.

So there was George Samuel Kirk, or as commonly known as Sam, sitting at the Bar before one of the biggest Federation events of the year, and he wasn't drinking even though he wanted to. He wanted to drink and he would always have that desire to drink, but like with his father's death, he would not allow it to control him. However, he was worried about Jim's problem with drinking, because it was an issue. He had seen how it affected Jim and Sam didn't want that for his brother. He loved him, even if Jim didn't believe him.

Sam took a slip of his nonalcoholic drink, as he thought about life. Though he needed to help his brother, his mind did wander to Aurelan, who he still cared about. He had no idea of why she was here; he knew he had asked her to look for Jim, but he had no idea if she had found him. He would assume she did and she was here with him, but he couldn't be sure. He doubted that Jim would be here.

And why would he want to come here, when he was faced with the past? One of Jim's biggest problems was facing the past. He could deal with the unknown of the future, but he couldn't deal with the unchanging past. The fact that he couldn't change it, couldn't fix it, was the issue. He was afraid of things he couldn't change and Sam could see it as clear of as day.

The older Kirk brother swirled his drink as his mind went back to Aurelan and him. Sam shared the same fear as his brother, but he was willing to look at it and learn from it…well, that was what he told himself. He wasn't sure if he was lying to himself or not.

He downed his drink as if it was alcohol, and he wondered if it would affect him like alcohol if he thought hard enough. Sure, he enjoyed the feeling that it gave him, but he hated that it took away all of his choices.

Sam took a deep breath as he took a long around. There were a few others, who were drinking unlike him, but none caught his eye besides the Vulcan at the end of the bar, which was strange. Though he hadn't met any Vulcans, he would bet his ass that they didn't go to the bar and got wasted….not that Alcohol would get them wasted. Sam wasn't quite sure what would get a Vulcan drunk, but he doubted they ever got wasted. That wasn't logical, not at all, and those Vulcans loved their logical, even if they didn't use emotions.

His interest was peaked as to why the Vulcan was drinking, though he wasn't sure what he was drinking. Sam stared at the Young Vulcan, who he couldn't guess the age of. He would guess that the Vulcan was about his age, but he couldn't really be sure as they aged differently than humans, and that was okay with Sam. He didn't want to live that long.

The Vulcan was a part of Starfleet, which Sam could tell by the clean cut blue Starfleet Uniform that he was wearing. His hair was prefect without a hair out place, and his uniform looked like it just came from the cleaners. His shoes were shined perfectly, but Sam could see that the Vulcan was out of place and it wasn't the fact that the Vulcan was in a bar. He didn't need to be an expert to see the emotion on the Vulcan's face.

Sam stood up and walked over to the Vulcan as he was curious. "Are you okay, Commander?" He asked, noticing that the Vulcan was a First officer, which was a bit odd. Though Vulcan was destroyed changing many destinies, Vulcans didn't enter Starfleet.

The Vulcan didn't look up from his drink. "That would involve an illogical emotion."

Sam should've guessed that he would say that.

"And I do not practice the art of-how do you humans say it- 'spouting off life stories to total strangers'."

"You're a ball of sunshine, aren't you? So fun to be around."

"I do not see the purpose of comparing me to the Rays of the Sun as I am either hot nor a ray," he said, placing his glass down. "I do not see the logic of being 'fun.'"

"Well, that's not fun," Sam said for the lack of anything else to say.

"Fun is illogical."

"You said that before." The Vulcan looked up and stared at him, which startled him. The Vulcan was staring at him with the strangest look in his eyes. "You okay?"

"You look familiar," The Commander answered.

Sam knew he never met this Vulcan; heck, he didn't meet any. He knew Jim knew a few Vulcans like that Old one, who their mother didn't like. Sam could never quite figure out why their mother disliked the old Vulcan, but he wasn't going to try to figure out. There was no logic to his mother insanity. "I don't know any Vulcans, so I don't know why I would look familiar."

The Vulcan looked away like he was ashamed. "It is not you. You look like my Captain…my Old Captain," he corrected.

Sam stood there and stared. There was only person that he looked like and that was Jim, who had been a captain. He knew Jim's first officer was a Vulcan, and he knew that something happened between them, something bad, but he was unsure of what it was, though he knew it had hurt his brother badly. That angered him. He didn't know how, but he hurt his baby brother. "So you're the Famous Commander Spock of the U.S.S. _Enterprise_?"

"I am," Spock answered.

"I know why I look familiar," Sam said. Spock glanced at him before looking away. "People say I look like my brother," he paused to see if the Vulcan would jump in, but he didn't. "You know him. He was your Captain after all." Spock's head turned back to him. "Yep, I'm the brother of the James T. Kirk. The name's George Samuel Kirk or Sam as people call me." He stared at the Vulcan intently stare. "And you're the one who hurt my baby brother." He didn't know what happened, but he would never let anyone hurt his baby brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first, I didn't know if I wanted Sam to come with Winona, but I doubted she would go by herself and there was no way that Frank was going to go.


	12. U.S.S. Destiny?

Jim stared out in to the distance as he stood on a balcony. He had a nice view of the Planet, which was mostly covered by water. He could see the water's remarkable glow and it was impressive. He wasn't sure what made the water glow, but it was glowing brightly. It made everything, even things in space, shine in a blue green color.

Jim didn't want to go back to his quarters nor stay in the hall. He also didn't want to be anywhere near alcohol as it was too tempting. He didn't know if he would be able to resist it. "This is ridiculous," he said to himself.

He didn't know why he was letting everything get to him, and he was beginning to feel like an idiot. "Stupid," he snorted. "Why do I let people do this to me?" Pike was using him and though he could never hate the man, he disliked him at the moment. He was forcing Jim to do something that he didn't want... or maybe he was trying to get him to realize that he did need it.

Dragging on that thought, Jim stared only to turn around when he started to hear voices. That meant one thing, the stupid event had started. He would be forced to mingle, something he dreaded. His mind drifted from hatred to annoyance. He hated having to mingle with people, who really didn't know what was going on.

Forcing himself to walk towards the door which led to the hall, he wondered if he could just hide on the balcony. Pike said he had to speak a few people. He didn't say when he had to do, how long he had to, and to how many people he had to speak with. But he was kidding himself if he thought Pike would like that, and he had to make Pike happy, so he would accept his resignation unlike the last time.

"Damn it man," he cursed. He was pissed when he found out about Pike's trickery. How dare he do that? He had no right to play with his life…. he shook his head and sighed. He didn't want to think about the strange happiness he felt when he learned what the man had done. It gave him hope that things could go back to normal.

He leaned against the glass doors and stared at the guests, which had filled the room. This wasn't some small event. This thing was freaking huge, which meant there was a chance he might not run into his old crew. He thought he could handle it thanks to his confrontation with Uhura, but he wasn't sure he would be able to deal with seeing Spock or McCoy, two people he wanted to beat the shit out of. They had betrayed him on a deep level, and he wondered if he would be able to trust anyone ever again. Sure, he let Aurelan in but hadn't given her his complete trust. He knew she would leave him as well, but because she had to.

"Water?"

Jim shook himself out of his thoughts. "Sure," he said taking a glass. He took a tiny step into the room. Water sprayed up his legs. _Stupid floor!_ The waiter was humanoid. He looked almost like a fish as Jim noticed the webbing between his fingers and the toes of his bare feet. His face would have looked almost human if he didn't have gills.

The waiter smiled, or what Jim thought was a smile, and walked away gracefully. Jim couldn't help but stare as the waiter looked like he was gliding. His movements almost sung if that was possible. It made Jim want to follow if his common sense hadn't kicked in at the last second. "What the hell?" What was wrong with him?

"I see you met the inhabitants of this planet," a voice called from behind him.

Jim turned to see Gary, who looked nice in his formal uniform. He glanced back, but the waiter had disappeared into the crowd much to Jim's dislike. "O' really?" he asked as he brought the water to his lips. He blinked as he wasn't expecting it to taste so good. _Screw alcohol!_ He thought. He was going to drink this all day.

"They are like Sirens, but they aren't going to kill you when they have finished with you. Just have wild fun with you," Gary laughed. "I think I would like to have some wild fun, don't you? Might have to take one to my quarters tonight."

Sure Jim wanted to have fun, but he wanted it on his terms, not someone else's. "I don't want to know about your sex life, Gary," Jim joked.

"That's sad. I was going to invite you!"

"I don't want that invite. I so do not want to see you naked!" Jim teased. He took another slip of water, which he felt through his whole body.

"That's hurts," Gary laughed as he leaned against the wall next to Jim. "So why are you in a Starfleet uniform?"

Jim almost forgot that some people didn't know. "It seems that I never really resigned. Pike never accepted my papers and didn't tell me that until I got here." There was no need to lie to Gary.

"Really?"

Jim couldn't read what Gary was thinking. "Yep."

"I guess you should have expected that from Pike. That man does truly care for you. He knows what's best."

Granted, Jim didn't know what was best and he was tired of people acting like they knew when no one really did, but it stopped him. "Pike knows what is best," Jim repeated out loud.

"Yep, well I have to go. I see my Captain calling me over. See ya," Gary said as he waved good bye.

Jim didn't even look up. He just nodded as he repeated to himself, "Pike knows best." Maybe he should listen because lately, he had been wrong. Pike could be right this time.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Spock walked closely behind his captain as they headed into the hall. The room was already filled and soft music was playing. Water gushed everywhere as they walked, soaking the bottom of their pants. Different languages floated through the air. Spock, even though he wasn't as fluent as Uhura, could understand almost all of them.

But Spock's mind was not there. It was back at the conversion that he had with Sam Kirk. He really couldn't call it a conversion as Sam had yelled at him for almost of it. Spock could not understand the point in yelling. It did not make one's point correct or more logical. It did nothing but make a situation worse, which it had done in that situation. But Spock did not stop him, even if he wanted to stop to. It was unwise to yell at an unbalanced Vulcan, but he deserved it. It had been his fault for this whole mess. It was his fault that Jim was hurting.

He did learn a few things about Jim in that conversion which broke his heart. No one knew for sure, but there was a chance that Jim had tried to kill himself. The motorcycle crash could have been an accident, but the injuries made the doctors wonder if Jim had crashed on purpose. It also made Spock wonder when he learned about the rest of Jim's 'accident.' How was Jim's mental state? Was he even the Jim he had known anymore?

Spock glanced back to McCoy, who hadn't learned about Jim's 'accidents' yet. McCoy knew firsthand Jim had a knack of getting into trouble. It made Jim who he was, but could Jim really try to kill himself? He didn't want to know the answer, and he wasn't going to let Jim hurt himself again. He would find him, apologize profusely, and never leave his side again.

Pitts looked back and said, "Be on your best behavior. Show the universe the crew of the U.S.S Enterprise." He gave them small smile, which surprised them all. He disappeared in the crowd.

McCoy stepped toward Spock. "Should we split up and look for Jim?" he asked. He gave silent thanks to Uhura, whom informed them he would be present.

"I doubt he would let you find him," Sulu commented, folding his arms against his chest. Scotty and Uhura stayed quiet and listened to them. They would look for him, but Sulu was correct. Jim would not be happy to see them, yet there was a chance he'd talk to Scotty and Chekov. However, the Enterprise's navigator seemed to have disappeared again.

"Doesn't mean we can't try," McCoy said, calmly. His mind had been in overdrive ever since that strange woman threw her drink at him. He needed to find Jim. Maybe he could find her if he was unable to find Jim. She seemed to know his former friend.

"Sure, but you might not like what you find," Sulu said as he took a water from a waiter.

"Why don't we just stop talkin' and just find him?" Scotty asked, looking around. He had no interest in talking with them. He wanted to find Jim and make sure he was okay.

"He's right," Uhura said.

"And have anyone seen Chekov lately?" Sulu asked, looking around. Besides a couple sightings, no one had seen the Russian since he missed the crew meeting.

"Nope," Scotty said. "We can look for him later. Let's find Kirk." His eyes surfed through the room. It was hard to make out anything in the crowd of people.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim had enough. He had spoken to enough officials to last him a lifetime and if he had to speak to one more person, he would punch someone. He didn't want to speak to anyone about his captaincy because he didn't want to talk about something that was nonexistent. It would get worse once the news about the Providence was revealed. "Stupid," he muttered. Why did he agree to do any of this? It was because he was an idiot.

Shaking his head, he tracked through the water, which annoyed the hell out of him. He understood these people loved water, but this was ridiculous. He took a seat at an empty table, which was surprising, considering how many people were here. It was more surprising that he was able to get away for a bit, as it seemed everyone wanted to speak to him.

Kicking at the water, he scanned the crowd looking for possible dangers like the Daleniens. Though he knew he was being paranoid, Pike was wrong about that race. They were beasts. He knew Salean's father, Seleen (who Jim considered to be one of the worse), was present because of what he did. He ran the high council, which meant he ran the damn planet. That fact made life difficult as that man would do anything to get Jim back to Dalenius.

He leaned back and stared at a wall trying to ignore the people walking past him. People were less likely to talk to you if you didn't make eye contact with them. He also tuned out their voices so he would be less likely to answer back, which he sometimes did against his will.

"Whatcha doing?"

He jumped and almost fell off his chair. He didn't notice her until she came up next to him and he could have slapped himself. He turned and his mouth almost dropped. Aurelan was gorgeous in her little black dress. Her hair, half down, fell neatly around her face, framing it. He couldn't help but notice how her red lips popped. "Hey," he said, trying to recover.

"So what are you doing?" she asked as she took a seat next to him.

"Trying to stay unnoticed, which is hard I tell you," he said, scanning the crowd. There were a few people staring at him and he did his best not to glare back. He turned back to her. Once again, he couldn't help but look her over. Her legs looked amazing in that dress. If he wasn't suffering from a broken heart, he would have invited her back to his room. He still might do that just to piss off Spock. "And where have you been?" he asked. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Pissing off your mother. It's a fun sport," she said as she slid closer to him. "I loved your brother's and hers face when they saw me. It was priceless." She laughed.

Jim froze. His brother was here? He knew his mother was already here, which pissed him off, but his brother's presence was good news. He had wanted to see Sam and apologize. He had been an asshole to him and now regretted it. He looked around the room. "I would like to see him."

Aurelan made a face. "He's your brother." She shook her head and her curls flew around her face. "I don't want to see him again. I don't want him to know I'm not over him." Jim knew the pain she was going through. He felt the same with Spock.

As a waitress came back, she dropped two glasses of water in front of them. "Thank you," he said as she walked away. He stared at the water, wondering what they spiked it with. There had to be something, because he couldn't stop drinking it. "We could always pretend to be together," he joked. She stared at him and he knew that she was thinking about it. She didn't know if he was serious or not. He wasn't really, but he wanted to shove it up Spock's ass.

"Are you joking?" she asked. She stated at him. "I doubt that would be beneficial to you after what happened."

He hated that people kept reminding him. He wasn't some child or idiot. He knew and would never forget. Never ever forget. "I just think it would be fun to see their faces." He did worry about his brother, and what he would think, because no one should ever date their brother's ex-girlfriend.

She stared at him as she was thinking. He knew she was doubtful. "That would be stupid. People do that shit all the time and it never ends well."

Jim waved before he wrapped an arm around her. It felt strange and wrong, and he fought it as he knew he couldn't stay in love with Spock forever. "Let's have fun before hell comes down," he said, thinking about who was also here.

She grabbed his hand. "Sure, why not?"

He smiled. "Really?"

"NO!" She said as she slapped him in his head. She shook her head as she leaned back from him.

"You're no fun!" he said as he rubbed his head. He was a little hurt by her reply but knew she was right. "So-"

"There you are!" Jim and Aurelan looked up to see Admiral Pike, who looked very put together in his formal uniform. Everything was in place down to his shoes. "I have been looking all over for you. There are a few people who would like to see you," he stated. Pike glanced over Aurelan.

"Been trying to hide, but it doesn't seem to be working. My blond hair just stands out," he said as he stood up. He didn't know what was going on, but he was all jokes today. It was better than tears or anger.

"Come with me," he said. "I have some people, who want to meet you." He put his hand on Jim's shoulder pulling him toward him. "You didn't mind, do you, Miss Swift?"

"No, of course not," she said as she remained seat. "I know a few people here."

Jim knew she did, but he was sure she didn't want to speak to Sam or Winona. He wanted to tell Pike no, but he couldn't do that. He had to do what Pike wanted. "Don't have too much fun without me," Jim smiled.

"Oh, I will try," she said.

*O*O*

"Urgh!" Jim muttered as Pike and he said good-bye to another official.

"It's almost over," Pike smiled as he led Jim to the bar. He ordered himself drink.

"That's if you don't count tomorrow," Jim responded. He watched as Pike brought his whiskey to his lips. He licked his lips. The amber liquid looked so tempting. Jim wanted to have some, but he would not allow himself to even taste it. He didn't want to be controlled by it so he ordered himself another glass of the water. " _What is in this shit?"_ he asked himself. He couldn't help but drink it.

Pike took a deep breath. He walked to a corner of the hall and Jim followed, eyeing him.

"Is something up?" Jim asked in a whisper.

"I wanted to warn you."

"Warn me about what?" Jim was curious. "I already know about the Enterprise." He glanced around the room, surprised he hadn't run into Spock or McCoy. He knew things would be bad if he did. He had no idea if he would be able to control himself.

"Seleen is here."

Jim hated that name. "I would assume so," he said slowly. If he saw that man, he would probably hit him. That man, if he could, would force him to marry his son. He would tie him up if he could because he didn't believe Jim had a right to choose. In his deranged mind, Jim belonged to his son.

"And he wants to speak to you."

"No," Jim stared. That was the last thing he wanted. He would fight to hell to keep his rights.

Pike wrapped his arm around Jim's shoulder. "I told him to leave you alone."

Jim laughed. "Like he would listen." If that man wanted something, he would do anything to get it. He didn't care about laws or rules.

"He understands that there will consequences with the Federation if he does."

"Really?" Jim didn't know if he believed it. Was the Federation willing to offend a whole planet for him? That really touched him. It meant something to him that he couldn't describe.

"Yes," Pike smiled.

Jim exhaled. He felt good. It felt really good. "Alright!"

"Admiral Pike!" A voice called from the crowd.

Pike turned into the direction of the voice. "I have to go. See you later," He smiled, "when it's announced that you're the new captain of the _Providence."_

"Urgh," he muttered. "Can't wait." That would be in a few hours. He didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't know how it was going to feel and wouldn't try to guess.

He watched Pike leave when a thought came to his mind. Once it was announced, there would be no hiding from his old crew. They would know of his location and he knew them well enough (or so he told himself) to know that they would try to talk to him now that they knew the truth.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim had to find Aurelan. He felt bad that he left her alone. She really didn't have to be here. She came only so he wouldn't be alone and that meant a lot to him.

Putting on a smile, he walked through the crowd, keeping an eye out for his stupid mother, his crew and Seleen, who to his joy he hadn't ran into. There was no doubt he would punch any of them if he saw them and that would not help him. He would just end up in jail, and he had no interest in going to jail. He never wanted to see the inside of a jail cell again.

Taking a deep breath, he made his way through the crowd. He was stopped every few seconds as someone wanted to speak with him. "Captain Kirk, it's a pleasure." "I dreamt of meeting you." "How are you?" "What do you think of that new Starfleet regulation?" "Your leadership skills are something I wish more captains shared." He could deal with those questions. He could not deal with "How was your Medical Leave?" "What happen to you?" "Are you okay? I heard about your leave." Those are the questions he did not want to answer. He didn't want people to know he wasn't okay. He didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to forget its existence.

Shaking his head, he moved through the crowd. "Captain Kirk!" He turned to the direction of the voice. To his displeasure, it was another no name Federation official. "How are you?"

"I'm well. How are you, sir," Jim replied. He knew he had seen this man before but could not remember who he was.

"I'm well."

Jim forced himself to smile as the man spoke. He wanted to get far away from this person as soon as possible, but every time he tried, the man pulled him back. "Yea," he muttered. He took a deep breath as he glanced around.

"This addition will be a benefit to the Federation."

"Yup," Jim said. He didn't know what else to say. What could he say? He didn't want to be in this conversation and he knew talking would keep the conversion going. The official went on and on.

"Don't you agree?" he asked.

He knew he probably shouldn't answer the question, considering what happened to him the last time, but he had to say something. "Sure," he stated, knowing it was probably the best way to answer.

The man started rambling again, but Jim wasn't listening. Suddenly he spotted something very familiar. There, about fifteen feet away from him, stood a man he didn't want to see. Though he only saw the back of him, he immediately knew who it was. His blue uniform and stiff form was enough to identify the person. It was Spock. His Spock…no, not his Spock and he would never be his again. He didn't deserve another chance… not after what he had let happen.

His heart started to race and his breathing became heavy. Sure he knew he would see Spock again, but he didn't know it would affect him so much. He felt speechless at the sight of the Vulcan officer. During his last days on the Enterprise, his life was a leaving hell. He was alone with no one to turn to during a point when he just wanted to die. He wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. He wanted it all to end, because he thought he deserved that. Now he knew better even if he still thought that way at times.

He was also royally pissed at Spock for everything that he did to him. He treated him like shit. He remembered every stare, every nasty comment, every action. At the time it killed him, but now, it just pissed him off. How dare they treat any crew member like that?

He was also afraid. Yes, afraid. Afraid of what would happen when he came face to face with his ex-Lover. Would his anger hold up? Would he be able to speak, unlike now? Would he be able to stand up for himself? He wasn't sure and that made him feel weak. He was afraid of what would happen if he spoke the truth.

He still also cared for him on some level. He still cared about what he thought, but it did not mean he wanted to be around Spock or anyone else who betrayed him. He loved the Vulcan, even though it annoyed him. In their time together, he had shown him something that he didn't think was possible. He made him feel special. He made him feel like he mattered to someone. Though he broke his heart and trust, he still loved him.

Yet Jim was stubborn and he would never forget. He would never forget what happened to him and how his crew responded. He might still care, but he would not open his heart back up. They did not deserve his forgiveness.

"Captain Kirk?" the man called. He noticed that Jim wasn't paying attention. "Captain-"

"Mr. Jones," a voice called out.

Jim shook himself out of his thoughts and hoped Spock hadn't notice him. He turned to see Selek and felt his heart jump. He loved the old Vulcan. "Selek."

"Mr. Jones, do you mind if I borrow Captain Kirk?" he asked softly as if he knew that young Spock was nearby.

"No not at all."

Selek lead Jim away without much trouble. When they got a safe distance away, Jim spoke. "Thanks for the save." He was grateful to Selek, who always seem to know the right time to save him.

"There is no need to thank me, Jim," he responded.

Jim scanned the room again, making sure Spock was nowhere in sight. He wanted to wait as long as possible so he could work up the nerve to yell at him. He didn't think he could as he was speechless just at the sight of his back. "Still."

"How are you, Jim?" Selek asked as he led him to a table.

Jim shook a side. "You keep asking me that." He wasn't sure how he was right now. He wasn't okay, but he wasn't completely screwed. He was messed up. "I'm fine," he stated. He stared in the direction of Spock.

"And you will always be fine."

"Yup," he said as he grabbed another glass of the planet's water from a waitress, "How are you? I'm surprise you're not with Sarek."

"I was for a time, but he is speaking with Seleen, who is looking for you." Jim froze and Selek took the time to pat Jim on the arm. "Sarek and I both knew it would not be wise for that to happen, so he is keeping him distracted."

"Really? He would do that?" He knew he could count on Selek, but it warmed his heart to know that Sarek cared, even if he would not admit it. He wished Spock was more like his logical father….Okay, not completely like him.

Selek took a seat across from Jim. "Do not have doubts about Sarek. He has his good moments." He stared at the water. "It is nice to see a glass of water in your hand." He knew of Jim's problem with alcohol. It was a constant worry for the old Vulcan.

"I know, right," Jim said. He knew how bad his drinking had become. More than once, he had almost killed himself because of it. He knew he needed to stop. "There's something about this water." He looked up at the Vulcan and smiled. He always found himself smiling with Selek.

Selek stared at the glass. "I know. It seems to have addicting qualities. Please do not over drink. I do not know what the long term effects will be."

Jim did not like the thought of that, but he knew there had to be something better than alcohol's side effects. "But it is sooo good," he whined.

"You are a child," Selek commented.

"And there's nothing wrong with that," he grinned. He didn't know what it was about being with Selek but he felt better, though that feeling would go out the window at the sight of Spock or Seleen. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it might be because he was here. He was a captain for the length of the party. He could stay a captain if he wanted to.

"Kaptain Kirk!"

Jim turned, knowing that Russian voice anywhere. "Chekov." He did miss the kid. Okay, he wasn't a kid any more, even though he was still a teenager at the age of nineteen.

"I hawe been looking eweryvhere for you," Chekov said. He had a huge smile on his face.

"Have you now?" Jim joked.

"Yep."

Selek watched. "I see you are still speaking to someone from the Enterprise after what happened."

"Vhat happened?" he asked. He knew the outcome, but he had no idea what really happened. He wanted to know what had made everyone on the Enterprise turn their backs on Captain Kirk.

Jim stared wondering if he should try to tell him. Uhura and Spock already knew what happened, and by now, everyone else must know, right? What would happen if Chekov knew? Try as he might, he could not forget _it_. There was no getting rid of that terrible night. He knew from before, when he had confronted Uhura, that it would feel good to let it go. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his chest. He would like to feel that again. "I'll tell you," he looked back to Selek, who gave him a nod.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Usually Spock was not against attending events like this, but when he was looking for Jim, he disliked speaking to people. It was an annoyance. He had been unable to find Jim and he was beginning to wonder if he was really here. Maybe Uhura had been mistaken. No, that couldn't be right because she learned directly from Jim as he had told her he had been invited. Maybe he left because he couldn't deal with being at this event.

"Yes," he responded. The man in front of him had answered a question.

"I agreed." He smiled before turning. "I hear someone calling my name. This was a nice conversion, Commander Spock."

"I agree," Spock stated. Normally he didn't lie, but today he did. It hadn't been an enjoyable conversation when he wished he was somewhere else. The man disappeared into the crowd.

"I see you didn't have any luck either," McCoy stated as he came up next to Spock.

Spock shook his head. "It is logical considering the number of people in this room."

McCoy hated logic. "But still, we should've found him by now."

"Statistically we should have found Jim by now unless he is avoiding us on purpose."

McCoy knew that was correct. Jim must have known they were looking for him and had been avoiding them. When Jim didn't want to found, nothing could locate him. It was one of his best skills. "I-" He was interrupted by a couple arguing and they were getting louder. Normally he wouldn't care until he noticed one of them was the woman who had thrown a drink in his face. He wanted to say a few choice words to her, until he noticed the woman she was yelling at. It was Jim's mother, whom he had only seen once in a photo. Jim didn't have a relationship with his mother, and from what little Jim had told him, he didn't blame him. "That's Jim's mother," he muttered.

Spock turned toward them. "I doubt she would know of Jim's location." He also knew of Jim's relationship with his mother and concluded that Jim would never turn to her for help. He watched the argument and saw another familiar looking person standing next to the pair. "Samuel Kirk is there as well," he stated. He knew from their conversation that Jim and his brother's last encounter did not end well.

"His brother? He's here?" This was interesting. Why was he here? What was going on?

"I do not know why and it does not matter." Speaking with Sam, Spock knew he did not know of Jim's location. They had not been speaking since the fight.

McCoy watched as Jim's mother yelled at the woman. He could barely make out what she was saying, but it was clear she did not want the woman here. He had no idea what she had done to have the older woman yelling at her, but considering she had thrown a drink on him, he wasn't in the mood of caring. He did know those three had something to do with Jim.

Jim's mother, Winona if he recalled correctly, was yelling at the strange woman. She tried to keep her voice down, but her anger had gotten the better of her. Their voices became loud enough to for the doctor to hear them. "Stay away him. You tried to go after Sam, but that didn't work, so now you are after Jim and his fame. Go away, Aurelan."

The woman or Aurelan, as Winona called her, snorted. "You have a lot of nerve." She shook her head. "I'm not after Jim's fame. I'm here because I care about him."

"That's strange," Sam chipped in.

"It's not," she stated. "He needs me, so I'm here."

Winona glared at her. "Or you're using him!"

"I'm not using him. I love him," she stated. It came out as if she didn't mean to say it.

"You're dating him?" Sam said in shock.

McCoy stared in shock. Did Jim get over all of them so sudden? His heart had dropped, but he knew they had no one to blame but themselves. They were the ones who had treated Jim like shit. "Spock, did you hear that?" He didn't know if he wanted Spock to know that Jim had moved on. He didn't think he could take it even though it was their fault.

"I do not listen to others conversions." Spock stated as he stared at the stage. He never understood why humans listened into conversions that were not of their concern. If someone was meant to know, they would be told. "Admiral Komack is speaking."

McCoy had no interest is listening to the man, but Spock did. It was a good thing or that was what McCoy told himself. He didn't need to know that Jim was in love with someone else. "Okay."

On the stage a few Admirals were standing. Pike was there with Pitts, who was standing to the side of him. He had a smile on his face, which McCoy had never seen before. That man was never happy. Admiral Komack stood center stage behind a podium, speaking about how the new addition will benefit the federation. Everyone was quiet at the sound of him, but Winona would never be quiet.

Komack rambled on and on. McCoy wondered if he was going stop spouting off and just let the event continue. "I would like to take the time to reveal our new Starship." McCoy stared. Now that was interesting. He heard rumors that they were working on something new, but he didn't know much about it. Jim, being a Captain, had been informed, but he didn't tell the doctor, although he had hinted that Starfleet was working on something new for the fleet. He wasn't sure if Spock knew about it. He could never get anything out of that Vulcan.

"Did you know about the ship?" he asked Spock.

"Yes. A few months before he left, Jim had showed me the designs for the ship. They were impressive."

McCoy should have guessed that Spock would have been told, because the Vulcan was knowledgeable and his advice would be invaluable. He knew he shouldn't feel insulted, but it did hurt a bit that Jim didn't show him. Sure, he was just a doctor, but he was also Jim's best friend…okay, maybe not at this moment.

Komack lifted his arm and pointed toward the middle of the room. Everyone turned to look, but there was nothing there. A few seconds later, a hologram activated and revealed an image of a ship. Its sudden appearance caused the people closest to it to step back. "I would like to introduce our new Starship, the U.S.S. _Providence_." People around the image clapped. The ship was truly impressive.

Spock glanced over the hologram, remembering the specs that Jim showed him. There hadn't been many changes in the appearance, but he did notice a few things that he had suggested were added into the ship's design.

"This ship represents our growth. It's the future," Komack stated as he lowered him arm.

McCoy stepped toward Spock, forgetting about the argument he had overheard, and said, "What about the Enterprise? I thought she was the future." He knew everything was replaceable and technology was always changing, but that did not mean the Enterprise was old news.

"The Enterprise is not as it had been before everything that happened over the last year," Spock answered. The Enterprise wasn't at her best without Captain Kirk in the chair.

"Because Jim's gone," McCoy added. Jim was here somewhere. Spock and McCoy were beginning to wonder where he was standing. They both knew this party was not where he really belonged nor on another ship. None of those ships were the Enterprise and she couldn't be her best without him. "I hate this."

Spock looked at him, but didn't say anything. He agreed.

"The ship isn't complete yet, and they are already making a big deal about it," McCoy complained.

"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, "You must not let your bitterness cloud your judgment. It is logical that they do this. The U.S.S. _Providence_ will become one of the Starfleet's staples." He knew it would be fascinating to serve on that ship.

"Yea, yea," McCoy said, waving it off. He was judgmental and that made him who he was.

Komack stepped to the side of the clear podium and the Federation symbol disappeared. A more detailed image of the _Providence_ appeared on the screen. "It has been designed with the latest advances." The imaged changed, showing what the interior would look like. "There's nothing else like it."

McCoy stared at the image. He knew it would be more advanced than the Enterprise and felt insulted that they didn't consider the Enterprise special anymore.

The ship had been upgraded since the last time Spock had seen it. "Doctor, maybe you should stop glaring."

McCoy turned to Spock. "I'm not glaring."

"There is no need to lie."

"Shut-up."

Komack walked back to the center of the stage. "However, a ship cannot be great without a great captain to lead." He smiled. "We are pleased to announce that we have found the _Providence_ 's captain. He has proven himself time after time and though he is young, he has shown us his impressive character. An impressive captain for this impressive ship. "

"Too bad he can't take Captain Pitts, but he isn't really impressive." McCoy remembered what Sulu had said before. Pitts was a bit old for a new commission. He took a deep breath.

Spock glanced toward him. "It would be wise to be careful. It would be foolish to speak aloud about your distaste for Captain Pitts."

McCoy knew it could cost him his commission, but at this point, it would give him a chance to find Kirk. "I know." However, he could not fight Spock on this.

"I would like to call the U.S.S. _Providence_ 's captain to the stage," Komack said, as he motioned to the side of the stage. A figure had appeared from the crowd and slowly walked onto the stage. "I would like to welcome Captain James Tiberius Kirk, the new captain of the U.S.S. _Providence_."

McCoy felt his heart race as Jim crossed the stage to Admiral Komack. He couldn't believe that Jim was here and looked well. The man on stage looked healthy and strong, which wasn't something he was expecting. The last time he saw Jim, he had been declining. He was thin, pale, and barely talked. He was like the walking dead. Now, he looked normal, like he had never been sickly. After he got over Jim's looks, his brain caught up. Jim had accepted a different commission. What did that mean for the _Enterprise_? How could he not come back to the _Enterprise_? Jim loved that ship.

Spock, who McCoy had forgotten about, had started to make his way to stage. Spock needed to get to Jim, and he didn't care who got in his way. However, he could tell that something was different about Jim. He may look like Jim, yet there was something very different about him. It worried the Vulcan as he moved closer to the stage.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim felt his heart race as he stood at the side of the stage. He had readied himself but didn't know if he was truly ready for this. Did he prepare himself well enough? He didn't have a chance to think as Admiral Komack called his name, "I would like to welcome Captain James Tiberius Kirk, the new captain of the U.S.S. _Providence_."

He glanced at Pike, who had a smile on his face. He held back a glare and kept walking. _Of course, he would be smiling._ Jim kept back his growl. Of course he would be happy in Jim's pain! Yet Jim knew that was incorrect. _No, he cares about you!_ Pike would never be happy in Jim's pain. The admiral was doing all of this to help him heal, but was it really helping?

Hearing the clapping of the audience, which brought him back to reality, he did his best not to look shocked or angry. Though he could see their faces, he didn't want to look at them. There was a chance he could see Spock or Seleen, who was hunting him.

When Jim arrived at the podium next to Komack, the admiral smiled and shook his hand, which sparked camera flashes. "Ladies and Gentleman," he stated, "Captain James Kirk."

Jim did his best to smile even though on the inside his heart was hurting. He wanted to take the ship but still wasn't sure if he was ready. He still didn't trust himself. "Thank you," he said. His heart was beating so fast. "I am honored." Sure, Pike said he didn't have to say anything, but Jim didn't really expect that. He really couldn't take a commission without saying something.

"Is that all you have to say?" Komack teased. "I bet there's something else." He looked to the audience. "Is that all? Don't you want to hear more?" The crowd clapped again in agreement.

"I didn't prepare anything," he said, annoyed. He knew he couldn't just say thank you and sit down. He really didn't want to give a speech.

"You can come up with something in that mind of yours," Komack whispered to Jim.

"I guess." He was going to beat someone. Jim turned to the audience. "This is an honor." He took a deep breath. "I never expected to get the _Enterprise_ ," he paused, thinking of that ship, "at such a young age. Now, I'm gifted, yes gifted, with a new ship. It is amazing to know that Starfleet has such faith in me." He didn't know if they really had faith in him or not. How could they when he didn't have faith in himself? "I will continue to serve Starfleet and be the best captain I can be. I hope I can make Starfleet proud." He took a deep breath.

"You will, Captain Kirk," Komack stated, patting him on his back. It wasn't very long, but he had said enough. And he didn't want to say anymore.

"Thank you," Jim said again.

He shook his hand again and made his way back off the stage. He kept his view away from the audience. He smiled as he saw Chekov and Selek waiting for him at the side of the stage. He could see the shock on Chekov's face as he hadn't expected Jim to accept a new ship, not after what his former captain had told him. The navigator was still able to take it in. He was compassionate but didn't pity him. The look on Chekov's face when he thought about the crew brought a smile to his face. The Russian still looked cute despite being angry. Jim had to admit it to himself. It had felt good to tell him the truth.

He turned to Selek, who was also surprised. He did not know that Jim would be given a new ship. Jim couldn't tell if the old Vulcan was happy or not. He knew Selek had an interest in getting him back to the _Enterprise_ , because that was where the Vulcan felt he belonged. It was where he had been in Selek's timeline. He could also see the worry in the Vulcan's eyes. He wasn't sure if he could handle a new ship and knew Jim doubted himself.

"Hey," Jim said as he got off the stage. Komack continued talking, probably about him and the _Providence_. He wasn't paying attention any more as his part was finished.

"I did not know you were going to get the _Providence_."

Jim wasn't sure what to say, and he knew he couldn't lie to Selek. He would have to explain in private. "Yep. I-"

"Captain Kirk, it is a pleasure to see you again," a voice said. Water slapped around as someone walked to them.

Jim turned and froze at the sight of Seleen. He had the creepiest smile Jim ever thought possible. Selek narrowed his eyes and placed himself between Seleen and Jim. "Hello, Seleen. How can we help you?"

Chekov had noticed Selek's and Jim's behavior. He placed himself next to Jim to give him some support.

"I wish to speak with Jim."

"I will not speak to you!" Jim snapped. His hands tightened into a fist. He was ready to strike.

"Why not? We are like family," Seleen said stepping forward.

Jim was nearly shaking. He didn't want to be related to his own family and there was no way in hell he would be 'family' to his man. "Go away," he growled.

Seleen smiled and took another step. "I wish to speak to you about Salean. He misses you."

Something in Jim's mind cracked. "Don't say his name to me!" He said loudly, causing quite a number of people to stop and look. His hand had stayed in a fist. He wanted to punch him and had no interest in anyone stopping him.


	13. The Desire for Violence.

The blood started to rush to his face as Jim shook in anger. How dare this man bring up Salean in front of him? There was a part of Jim, a part that scared him, that wanted to torture the beast to death, and he didn't know if he could hold that part back. It wasn't like he hadn't taken a life before, because there were a few times he had to as a last resort while on a mission.

"I…I.." He knew better than to speak what was on his mind because he didn't need the whole damn party to hear him threaten a council member. That would be very bad. Shaking his head, he tried to get control of himself.

Closing his eyes, Jim tried to think of anything else, because murder was not the answer. That would really put his ass in jail, and that wasn't something he wanted. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he allowed the person to pull him away because he could not have done it on his own.

Jim heard Seleen step and call to him trying to get him to stop, but Selek had gotten in the way and would not allow him to pass. That was another thing that Jim was thankful for that man, as he always knew the right thing to do, when he didn't know what to do.

Somehow Chekov was able to maneuver him to a different room. Jim had walked mindlessly to a wall as Chekov closed the door behind him. "Kirk," he called to him.

Jim had rotated, placing his back against the wall. "I…" He didn't know what he wanted to say to his Russian friend, because his mind had turned violent and that scared the shit out of him. Sure, he wanted to beat Spock and McCoy for their betrayal, but that violence was different than what he was feeling right now. He seriously wanted to kill that man, because he wanted revenge. He wanted to make that man feel what he was feeling. "I…I…" he couldn't get anything out.

"Kaptain," Chekov called and crossed to him.

Refusing to look at his former crew member, Jim slid down the wall. Jim knew he wanted to hurt him, but what did he want to do to Salean? "I'm…sorry," Jim finally stated. This was the reason why he couldn't allow himself to take a commission. He wasn't able to let go and trust himself again.

"For vhat? I don't understand."

Glancing over to him, Jim studied his face. There was no pity on his face, and Jim was grateful for that, but he couldn't stand his caring eyes. He didn't deserve that. "I let everyone down."

"You didn't."

Shaking his head, Jim turned his back to Chekov and buried his head into his knees. He hated that he was showing his weakness in front of the young ensign, but he had no interest in hiding. He had no will. "I…" Jim had made wrong choices from the beginning. If only he told the truth and acted with courage that a Captain needed, he wouldn't be a big baby right now. He would still be in the Captain chair.

"Ve let you dovn," Chekov said, looking at Jim's back. He didn't make any movement to touch him.

"I…I want to hurt that man," Jim admitted. "…No, that isn't truth. I want to kill Seleen and his son." He didn't want to lie anymore, even if he didn't want to admit it. Jim needed to let someone else in. "That scares me. I can't trust myself, so how can I lead a crew? How sad is that? I can't trust myself. What am I good for?"

"Don't doubt yourself." Chekov stared at Jim, unsure if he would reach out him. "Ve all at one point hawe, Sir."

Jim took a deep breath as he pushed himself off the ground. "No, I'm always doubting myself, and that's trouble for a captain." He started to pace around the room. "I'm not James Kirk anymore."

Chekov, who reminded seated, spoke, "Vhat are you talkin' about? You are Kaptain Kirk."

"NO, I'm not!" he snapped as he paced harder cross the room. "I'm not the same man, who once captained the Enterprise. I'm a weakling and a coward, who just want to give up, because I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of being kicked, and I'm sick of trying to get back up. So sick of life." He shook his head, in exhaustion. As he passed across pass a table, he picked up a paper weight. "At one point, I just wanted to give up. Just give up."

Jim eyed the strange piece, wondering what it was for a brief second. "And I hate myself for that. I absolutely hated myself, so badly that there was times that I…" Could he say it? Could he admit that he at one thing thought about ending his life? Could he be strong this time? "…thought about ending it, killing myself." Jim could hear Chekov intake, but he refused to look at him as he didn't want to see the look in his eyes. It pissed him off even more thinking about it. Anger flowed to him, because that man took everything from him, and he hated that. He hated that someone was able to make him feel powerless. How could he allow that to happen to him? "How could I let someone do that to me? Why?"

In an instant, he flung the weight at the wall, breaking it in a loud bang. Chekov flinched, but he didn't move from his spot, and he also didn't speak. He knew Jim needed this; Jim needed to let it out.

He started to pace again, paying no attention to the broken weight: his arms were swinging wildly. "And who the hell does _Salean_ think he is?" Instead of just pacing back and forth, Jim paced in the long circle around room. "What give that asshole the right take someone's life? I want…." He didn't finish as he picked up a chair and threw it at the wall, not caring if the whole party could hear him. "If I see him again, I'm not sure what I would do." He shook a breath, trying to calm himself. "…I want to kill him." His words were soaked with angry.

Chekov flinched again as he could feel the rage coming from Jim. "Kirk," he muttered

"And I don't know if I could stop." He crossed to another chair and picked it up another chair. "There are so many things that I want to do with him. Like hitting him with this chair," he stated as he sung it again the wall a few more times. He kept swinging it until the chair broke apart. "I want to see him fall apart like that." He picked up the broken wood, not caring that he had cut his hand on a nail. "I want to hit him with this a few times."

And that still scared him. When was he willing to sink down to Salean's level and steal someone's life from them? He didn't know, but he didn't like it to think about it. If he was willing to do that, he would be a monster. He dropped the wood and stated to punch the wall with his injured hand a few times. "..."

"Kirk," Chekov jumped and stepped toward. "Stop, please."

Jim turned, and his hand dropped to his side. Blood dripped from him hand, but he didn't care as he studied the young Russian. On his face was worry and it pissed him off again. He wasn't mad at him, as if that was possible; he was mad at everyone else. Why couldn't they be like Chekov? "I'm sorry."

"Ewerything vill be fine," he tried to reaching out to him.

Turning sharply to the door, Jim snapped, "No, won't." Blood still dripped from his hand as he reached for the door. "My life is gone. My so call friends are gone, and I don't want them back. I want to…" He shook his head. "No, it won't fine." He didn't want to think about his so call friends, because he needed to remain calm and control himself. He couldn't let his violent tempter out, even if he wanted to.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Spock's heart pounded as he stepped closer to the end of the stage, where Jim had disappeared. Though he knew he was not worthy of Jim's forgiveness, he had to make sure Jim was okay and he had to protect him, even if Jim wanted nothing from him. Though he had no idea of what he was going to say to his ex-lover, he had to see him and make sure Jim was okay. He needed to talk to him even though there wasn't anything he could really say to make it better. He had to try.

As he made it through the crowd, he noticed Selek, speaking with Seleen if he remembered correctly, and the conversion did not look friendly. Spock knew him to be the council member of Dalenius; he had spoken to the man once, when the Enterprise visited the planet. He did not agree with Seleen's culture or beliefs; however, he had to respect the man, because of who he was.

Once he was close enough, Spock could make out what they were saying. "I will notify the Federation if you keep persisting," Selek said. The old Vulcan was standing tall with his hands behind his back, and his tone could scare most people.

"I do have a right to speak with Captain Kirk," Seleen stated as he eyed an empty hallway.

"Only if he wishes it, and he does not wish it. Respect his wishes or face the consequences. I believe you are aware of the Federation's penalties if you do not."

"I do not care-" Seleen started.

"One should be careful when speaking in public," Spock interrupted as he made his way toward them.

"Commander Spock," Selek greed formally.

"Is everything alright?" Spock asked as he eyed the two, knowing something was going on with them and it had to do with Jim.

Seleen eyed him. "We are well." He took a deep breath. "However, I must go as there is someone I need to speak to." He turned and left without another word.

Selek took a deep breath. "We must be careful of him," he warned as he turned to the empty hallway.

"Why is that?" Spock asked taking a step after him.

"He is after Jim."

That took the air from Spock's lungs. "Why would he be after Jim? Was he the one that…" He could not finish the sentence because he could not handle the thought of it. There would be no doubt that he would make that man suffer if he was. Changing his focus to Jim, he could not comprehend how Jim was able to get back up and how strong he was when everyone else turned on him. Sure Jim had left, which made people think he was a coward, but now Spock saw the truth. He was strong as he was able to do what was needed. He left everything he loved for the better of others without a thought for himself, and Spock felt shameful because he had helped to force him out.

"No, he is the father of the filth," Selek answered. "He is trying everything in his power to force Jim back to Dalenius to mate with his son. His persistent is becoming harassment." Selek's tone and body was stiff as if he was trying to control his anger. "Because of this, the Federation has ordered him to stop all attempts to communication with Jim, and they had stated there will be consequences he does not adhere to this."

Spock glanced around, looking for Jim; he was hoping Jim was not round. "I have seen Jim walk off into this direction. Has he-"

Selek turned around. "Unfortunately, he had already seen Jim, and I am afraid that Jim did not take it well." He took a deep breath and walked toward the empty hallway.

"Where is he now?" Spock asked. He had to make sure he was okay. He knew his presence would not do Jim well, but he knew he had to try, even if it would mean they would never see each other again. That was what he deserved anyways.

"Ensign Chekov had taken him down this hallway to an empty room. However, I am unsure if it would be wise for you to come." Selek started to walk off.

Spock followed. "I have heard about Jim's disregard for his own life from his brother." It pained him to think that Jim had thought killing himself was his only way out. "I will not leave him without making sure he is okay first. Though I am not worthy of Jim, I cannot allow him to suffer. I need to fix this."

"There are some things that cannot be fixed, Spock. I believe our father had taught you that."

"If that was the case, why did you lead me to the truth?"

"Because Jim needed it."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

As he walked out of the room, he held no belief that he would be returning to the party. He knew Pike would be upset, but once he heard what had happened, Jim was sure he would understand. He couldn't handle people right now and he really couldn't handle his emotions at the moment. He was angry one second and the next he wanted to curl up into a ball. He really couldn't stand himself and that didn't need to be at a party.

"Kirk!" Chekov had followed him out, which Jim knew would happen. The ensign cared too much to let him go.

"I'm fine," Jim stated, trying to hide his still bleeding hand. It didn't want to stop bleeding.

"Ve should see a doctor!" Chekov pointed off to toward the medical bay, trying to steer him.

Jim, who had seen enough doctors and medical facilities for a life time, wanted nothing with that idea. He just wanted to go back to his quarters and rest for the rest of the night. He needed to put his brain to rest because it kept going to that dark place, which would lead to death. "I'm fine," he repeated.

"And James T. Kirk would always be fine."

It took Jim a few seconds to realize that that voice did not belong to the Russian. "Selek," he smiled, only smiling for the old Vulcan. "Is he gone…" His voice faded as he saw the person behind Selek. If it was possible, Jim's anger had grown.

"Kommander Spock," Chekov greeted.

Jim looked between the two wondering why in the hell would Selek bring Spock to see him. Selek knew how he didn't want anything to do with any of his old crew. "Why are you here?" Jim hissed. Turning his attention to Selek, Jim spoke, "Why did you bring him here?" He could see the hurt in Spock's eye when he glanced back, and it pissed him off again. Spock had no right to feel pain, because he had betrayed him and left him alone when he needed them.

"I follow him, Jim. I want to speak to you," Spock answered. His tone was soft, and Jim had a hard time hearing him. "I am sorry."

Jim had to make sure he wasn't hearing things, because Spock just said he was sorry. That Vulcan had never said he was sorry because he didn't believe in saying it as he rarely sorry for any of his actions. Spock was never the one to regret his actions, even if Jim didn't agree with his actions. Even after their many fights, Spock never said sorry. According to him it would be illogical for him say sorry because he was right. "So? That doesn't change a damn thing!" Sure it warmed his heart that he did say it, but he had stabbed his heart and sorry would not heal it. "Leave me alone."

"Jim," Spock spoke.

He hated how Spock said his name; he wasn't allowed to speak his name so intimately. "Just go," he stated, trying to hold back his anger. He didn't want a repeat of what happened to that room to happen again, and he was sure breaking Spock's face would be harder than breaking the wall. "There's nothing you can say," he waved him off with his bad hand, which he regretted a second later.

Selek stepped forward. "Jim, what happen to your hand?" he asked, concerned as the blood didn't seem to want to stop. "We should have a doctor look at it."

"It's nothing," Jim answered a little too fast.

"Jim, I would agree with Ambassador Selek," Spock stated as he took a step toward Jim. There was a hesitation in his step.

Every time he heard his name out of Spock's mouth, Jim wanted to snap and yell at him, but he couldn't. It had taken Jim a long time to get the Vulcan to address him using his first name, and he had liked how it sounded. Though it was painful each time he heard it now, he didn't have the will to tell him to stop. "You have no right to care about me, Commander. No right at all, so don't even try to care about my pain," Jim demanded.

"You are correct that I have no right, and I would agree; however, you are hurt." Spock was eyeing Jim's hand as he took a deep breath. Even when he thought Jim had betrayed him, he hated to see Jim hurt, and right now, it was killing him because he was the reason.

Chekov looked to his Commander. "I tried as vell, Sir. He vill not listen."

Selek took a deep breath. "Jim, it is not weakness to ask for help. It shows strength." He took a few steps to Jim. "Please, ask for help."

Jim glanced at him, knowing he was right, but he didn't want help from them. "I can handle myself." He looked back to Spock, still fighting the urge to deck him. He knew he would have already if his right hand wasn't in pain. "Do me a favorite? Leave me the hell alone and you can tell the rest of the Enterprise to do the same."

"Jim," Spock called again.

It was something to listen to Spock, because Jim had never heard him sound so weak, even when Spock first thought Jim had cheated him. However, Jim didn't care. He was happy Spock was hurting, because he deserved it, after what they did to him. "Just stop saying my name, because you really have no right," Jim snapped. "Just go!" How many times did he have to say that? Jim turned to leave, because if Spock didn't leave, he would. His anger was starting to boil over.

Selek eyed Jim. "Maybe, it would be wise to listen. Forgiveness is the first step in moving forward."

He had thought about it for a brief second. "No, I don't think I want to," Jim answered. He knew Selek was right, but he wasn't really ready for that, and he didn't want to. Why did they have the right?

"Jim," Selek said as he crossed to him. He placed his hand on Jim's shoulder. "In order to move on, you must let it go."

Jim narrowed his eyes at Selek, as he looked him in the eye. It was starting to look like Selek was on Spock's team, and that pissed Jim off more. Sure, it made sense as they were the same person, but Spock didn't deserve to have anyone on his team. "Since when are you siding with Spock?" he asked in a whisper.

"I am worried about you," Selek admitted in a whisper. "You are not allowing yourself to heal. You need time. I believe taking the Providence is an unhealthy idea." Selek was only a few inches from Jim, as he spoke,

There hadn't been time for Jim to tell Selek or Chekov that he wasn't taking the ship and this was just a publicity stunt, but now, he wasn't sure if he wanted to enlighten them. "Well, you're the only one who thinks that," Jim snapped, loudly, drawing both Spock's and Chekov's attention. "I'm taking the ship and there's no stopping that," he stated turning away. He was sick and tired of being told what was good for him. "I can decide what is good for me!"

"Jim," Selek called out as Jim took a good number of steps away from him. "I am simply looking out for you."

"I do not need a fucken parent, Selek," Jim snapped. His anger was bursting through, and he was ready to hit something again, even if his hand was still hurting. Though the bleeding had slowed, it was still bleeding. He had done a number on his hand.

"He is looking out for you, like I should have done, and as I will do," Spock stated. "Again, I am sorry that I have not. I have shamed myself for betraying you. I should have believed you."

Though Spock needed to make it up for hurting him, it pissed him off that he said sorry again; saying sorry wouldn't help him. "Stop saying that," Jim stated, crossing back to Spock. "Just shut up and leave me the hell alone. I don't want to talk to you and hear what you have to say. There's nothing you can do to fix this." He was inches from Spock, holding back his anger or at least trying to. It was failing.

"I would agree with you that there is nothing I can do, but I need to try, Jim. I need to make sure you are okay," Spock stated, with soft weak voice. "If anyone were to happen to you, I would surely die."

Jim laughed, which threw people off. "That's fun, considering you shamed me off the Enterprise. You care about me now because you know I was truthful, innocent? Fuck that!" Jim hissed getting closer if that was possible. "You and everyone else treated me like shit. If you truly cared, you wouldn't have treated me the way that you did. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do." As Jim thought, he wondered where all this fight was, when he was still on the Enterprise. Why didn't he fight back? Why did he just lay down and die?

"I had thought you have…" Spock trailed off.

"Don't you say that," he shot back. "No one should be treated that way no matter what they did. I was your Captain!"

Spock looked into Jim's eyes. "I know. I have no excuse."

"Good."

"I need to make it up to you, even if you do not forgive me."

"Well that's impossible, because there is nothing you can do!" Jim snapped. "Just go before I hit you."

Selek stepped closer at Jim's threat. "Jim, let me take to you me medical."

Jim took his focus off Spock, who could've easy fought him off, and turned back to Selek. "No, I'm fine. I can take care of this in my quarters."

"Jim, let us take care of you," Spock asked, drawing back Jim's attention.

"I will never let you take care of me again, Spock." Jim, who could usually read Spock, was having a hard time reading the emotions he was seeing in the Vulcan's eyes, but he knew there must be pain, and Jim didn't care. "Just leave me alone," he stated yet again. "All of you just leave me alone." At this moment, he didn't want to deal with Selek, who had sided with Spock. There was no doubt that Spock knew of the rape _because_ of Selek.

"I cannot, Jim," Spock replied. "I cannot, knowing your mental state."

"My mental state? How would you know anything about it?" Jim was back in his face, and he could smell Spock's scent. O', he had missed it, and it had filled him with good memories, but they couldn't erase all of those bad memories out of his mind. There was a part of him that wanted to forgive and forget, because he did want to go back to his life on the Enterprise. However, it wasn't possible to forget what they did to them.

"I know about the crash, Jim, and how it was not an accident."

"What?" Jim muttered. No one knew besides Selek that he had intended to kill himself, even if some of the doctors thought it. "You told him?!" Jim snarled toward Selek.

"I did not, Jim. I would not betray your trust," Selek stated taking a step toward them.

"You already did," Jim replied, knowing Selek would not lie to him. However, he had told Spock the truth about the rape, when he didn't want to, and he didn't know if he could let that go. Why did everyone think they knew what was best for him? How can anyone know him better than him?

"Jim, it was your brother," Spock stated. "He told me about the accident, and I do not know if it would be wise to take the Providence Commission. You need to heal."

Jim was so sick of listening to Spock and just snapped, allowing his anger to take over. Not caring that his hand was in pain, he swung his hand and hit Spock in the face. "Shut-up!" Pain shot through his hand as his hand started to bleed again, but he hid the pain. "I don't give two shits what you have to say." He knew Spock could have stopped him from hitting him.

"Jim," Spock stated. "I-"

"NO! You have no fucken right!"

"I-"

"Jim, there you are! I have been looking everywhere for you," Aurelan stated as she stepped into the wall way. Though it looked like her hair was a little messy and her face was red, she still looked beautiful. "Your hand!" she stated as she crossed to them and gently picked up his hand.

"I'm fine, Aurelan," he stated as he looked at her.

She looked around to see Spock starting at her with an intense look. "Let me take you to the medical ward."

He tried to flex his hand, but he couldn't and groaned as his hand could be broken. He knew better than try to punch a Vulcan. "Fine," Jim submitted. "I will go with you." Jim, who tried his best to avoid them, could see the pain in both Selek's and Spock's eyes.

Aurelan put her arm around his shoulder and walked down the hallway past Chekov, who allow them by without a word. "You need to be careful, Jim," she stated.

Jim didn't say anything as Aurelan walked him away, because he didn't have anything else to say to them. If he stayed, he would have hit Spock again and that would have been bad, so he allowed himself to be dragged away by Aurelan.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

As Aurelan and Jim arrived at the medical ward, she spoke, "So that was your ex?" She sat him down in a chair.

"Yes."

"So are Vulcan's faces as hard as I thing?" she asked as she looked around for a doctor. The ward was like a ghost town as she couldn't find any one.

"Is it that obvious?" Jim asked, as he leaned forward in the chair. He went over the conversion in mind as he tried to figure out what he was going to do about Selek and Spock. Though he knew Selek was doing what he thought was right, Jim still felt betrayed by him. How could he go to Spock behind his back? "Stupid," he muttered to himself. He knew Spock would try to talk to him again, which he didn't want, and he knew there would be others like McCoy.

"Yes, and did it feel better punching him?" she asked as she spotted a doctor.

Jim took a deep breath. "It did and didn't." He had always wanted to beat Spock for what he did for him, and he felt freedom as he was able to release some of his pain. But it broke him a little bit more as it meant he was farther and farther away from old lover. "And I do wish to punch him again even if I do break my hand," he spoke again, wondering if it was possible for him to move on.

The doctor walked past Aurelan and looked at Jim's hand. "It doesn't look broken, which is good. I can have this fix in no time." He disappeared behind a curtain.

"Jim," Aurelan said as she took a seat next to him. "I heard the end of that conversion. Did you try to kill yourself?" There was a concern look in her eyes that took his breath from her.

Jim pulled back the certain trying to see if the doctor was around. He didn't need someone else to think him unstable, which was what Spock thought. What right did he have to worry about this mental status when he was reason behind it? "I have thought about it, and I was close. I…I jumped off before going over the cliff."

She placed her hand on his injured hand and tried to look at his face, but he was looking away from her. "Jim."

"I was in a bad place, still am really, but at that time, I couldn't see the upside. You know I probably would have if I hadn't been thinking about him." Jim looked down. The thought of Spock had broken Jim out of his thoughts that day and made him jump from his bike.

Aurelan looked at him. "You were thinking about him?"

He took a deep breath. "I thought that even if he hated me, he wouldn't want me to kill myself."

"That's true."

"I don't care."

"He does," she stated as the doctor had come back with a device.

"I don't care if he does. I just want to move on and forget that he exists." Maybe, he really should take the Providence, as it would make it easy to escape from him. And he really did want to be back on a ship.

The Doctor stepped in front of Jim and ran the device over Jim's hand. In a few minutes, Jim's hand healed. "You're good to go, but it will be sore for a few days."

"Thanks," Jim muttered as he got to his feet. The Doctor disappeared again, leaving Aurelan and Jim alone. "I need time to myself, Aurelan."

She looked at him. "Is that a good idea?"

"I don't a baby sitter!" Jim stated before leaving her. She didn't follow.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Spock watched Jim walk away with Aurelan if he recalled correctly, as an emotion ran through him. Through deep breaths, he was able to keep his jealously in check. "Do you know her?" he asked Selek. He knew it was foolish because he was the one who had betrayed and turn him away.

"I am aware of who Miss Swift is," Selek answered.

Spock stared down the hallway, wondering how she was able to get Jim to listen to her without a fight. "She came with Jim?" He had no right feel jealous or anger when he was the one who betrayed Jim.

"She did," Selek replied.

"Sir, may I speak freely?" Chekov asked as he stepped forward.

Turning his attention to the Russian, Spock spoke, "There is no need to stand on ceremony right now, Ensign." Chekov had seen enough and it would be foolish not to listen to him. He also seemed to be one of the closest people to Jim at the moment.

"You are an idiot, Sir," Chekov replied.

"I must contest-" Spock started.

Selek cut him off. "He is not insulting your intelligence. He is simply stating that you have handled the situation poorly, which I have to agree with." He took a deep breath. "Neither did I."

Chekov was confused. "Hov did you let him dovn?"

"Jim feels like I have betrayed his trust and I must admit. I have," Selek stated.

Spock narrowed his eyes. "Maybe, not soon enough. Jim had been alone enough and you have allowed him to do so, instead of just revealing the truth." There was a pause. "Jim could have killed himself as you allowed him to suffer," he stated.

"Do not speak as if you are innocent, young one. If I would have tried to control him, he would not have allowed it and the outcome would have been worse. If you wish to blame someone, Salean is the reason," Selek answered, almost snapping. "You should also blame yourself. I am not the one who had abandoned him and I am not the one who allowed Jim suffered alone."

"That was a mistake," Spock answered. "I will make up for it."

Chekov glanced between the two. "I don't think you can," he answered as he turned and walked away. "You hawe broken him, Sir."

Spock and Selek watched him leave, knowing that he was right. "It would be best to leave Jim alone for now," Selek stated. "He needs time to himself."

"I cannot do that. I must insure Jim is okay."

"You know he is not fine, and your presence is only hurting him."

"Were you not the one who forced me to see the truth? Why are you forcing me away now?" Spock eyed as he walked to the room Jim and Chekov walked out of it. His heart almost dropped as he saw it. Broken pieces of wood laid everywhere and there were flecks of Jim's blood. He could see the indent on the wall, where Jim had hit it. Selek had walked in behind. "Jim."

"I am worried, Spock. He holds everything inside and I believe it is killing him. This is Jim's reaction after seeing Seleen, and his reaction to seeing you was also alarming," Selek admitted. The worry was breaking through his calm voice. Spock turned back to him, and Selek could almost see the pain that Spock was feeling. "Jim needs help."

"And you believe I am not it," Spock spoke, turning back to the broken wood. "And I do not believe he is ready for the Providence."

"Neither do I, but he will not listen," Selek answered.

"Something needs to be done."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

By the time McCoy realized that Spock had left him, Jim had disappeared off the stage. "Stupid hobgoblin," he muttered to himself as he made his away to the end of the stage. He knew he should've expected that from Spock, because there was nothing that could keep Spock away from him now. He also knew that Jim would not take it well if he was ambushed by them, and he knew it would turn out bad. _Maybe, I would just let Spock at him first,_ he thought to himself. However, he couldn't wait to see Jim, his best friend, who he had to talk to.

Making it to the end of the stage, he noticed Jim wasn't here, but he spotted Selek and Spock disappear down a hallway. Fighting an urge to go after them to see if they had located Jim, he could see there was tension between them, and it would be stupid to get in a fight with two angry Vulcans, who wouldn't admit they were angry. That would be a death wish, which McCoy didn't have.

"Where is Jim?" he asked himself as he looked around again. Taking a deep breath, he thought about the situation. Spock had probably scared Jim away, and no one was going to find him now, which annoyed him.

"McCoy!"

The Doctor turned around to see Sulu walking toward him. "Sulu," he greeted, wondering if he could somehow hacked into the security system to search for Jim. He disregarded that idea as he knew he would never be able to do that.

"I can't believe Kirk is taking another ship, not that I blame him," Sulu stated. "However, I take it you didn't find him." McCoy snorted. "Yea, yea. I know."

He didn't like the idea of Jim taking another ship either, but he didn't have a choice or a say. If Starfleet thought he was ready after the terrible event, he must be ready. He knew he couldn't be the judge of Jim's readiness, because he had no idea of what Jim went through or what he was going through. McCoy couldn't even imagine what Jim had gone through or how alone he must have felt.

His mind wandered to Jim's time away from the Starfleet, and he wondered what was going on in his head. He had no idea of how Jim did in his time away or even if he was stable, but if he had to judge, Jim wasn't ready. He ran away and hid so he wouldn't have to deal with it. He would rather lie than admit what happened to him…McCoy did know they were to blame for that as well, and for that, he couldn't forgive himself. He turned away from his friend when he needed him the most and he hated himself for that.

"Have you found Chekov by a chance?" he asked, trying to thing about something else.

Sulu shook his head, looking around. "Wait, there he is."

McCoy stared off in the direction Sulu had pointed in and he could see an angry Russian coming toward. "He looks angry." He had only see Chekov angry a few times and each one of those times, he was scared to leave the Medical bay.

"Maybe, he found Kirk," Sulu answered.

"I don't-"

"Hey, Chekov," Sulu spoke.

Chekov looked between the two as if he was looking for something to say.

"Are you okay?" McCoy asked. Guessing from Chekov's appearance, there was nothing wrong with him, but he knew something was wrong with him. He looked pissed.

"Hov dare you do that to Kirk!" he snapped. "He needed you and you left him!"

Sulu looked at him confused. "You know?"

"Yes," he answered. "Kirk told me so!"

McCoy almost jumped. "You have seen Kirk! Where is he?"

Chekov looked at him wondering if he should tell him. "He vas on his way to the Medical Bay."

That made McCoy's eye grow. "What happen to him? Is he okay?" He was freaking out in side, because he knew Jim already had a bad act of getting into trouble and he hated to see it now.

"Vhy should I tell you?" Chekov asked.

McCoy knew Chekov was right, because he was of the reason why Jim left, and he knew he had no right to Jim after what he had done. "I need to make sure he is okay."

Chekov took a deep breath. "He's not okay, Doctor."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Jim sat alone in a dark corner staring out a window at the planet below with one thought on his mind. He hated when people tried to tell him to do and he was tired of listening to people who thought they knew more than he. How could any think they knew what was best for him? They couldn't and he was going to show them.

"I'm taking the commission and there isn't anything or anyone that can stop me," he said to himself.

He knew he wasn't ready, but he had to do something, because what he was doing wasn't helping anything. It would also shut up the Enterprise, and he would love to see that.


	14. Chapter 14

Unwilling to do anything, Jim was now lying alone in his bed, staring at the ceiling as he thought through what had just happened in the last few hours. After the run in with Spock and Seleen (and the medical bay), Jim went straight to his quarters, and didn't leave after activating the locks. There had been a few knocks at his door, but he didn't answer any of them. He didn't want to talk, and whoever it was at his door had left after a few seconds without a word, getting the picture that he didn't want to talk. That surprised Jim, as the people he knew who could be knocking wouldn't give up. He was glad that they left him alone.

Taking a deep breath, Jim looked away from the ceiling and glanced at the mirror across the room. Although he couldn't see himself from that angle, he couldn't help but stare. The light was reflecting strangely off the mirror. "I need a life," he said to himself as he was easily distracted by the light.

"I need to get over this shit," Jim told himself, being sick and tired of feeling like garbage. He needed to get over that because he wasn't a baby. And the idiot liars were right. He needed to get over it if he wanted to move on with his life. Maybe taking the ship wasn't the best idea, but it was the only idea he had. He couldn't go back to how he was living before, even if he wasn't ready to take a ship at the moment. Besides, the Providence wasn't even finished yet, so there was time for him to heal. Although he didn't like the idea, he considered the thought of seeing a therapist when he got back to Earth. _Might go see one,_ he added to that thought. He knew he should talk to someone, because this not talking was only hurting him.

He shot up from the bed. He really didn't want to speak about it to anyone, even if it could help him. He didn't want to open up to anymore pain because he wouldn't be able to take it. "I can't." he muttered to himself as he stood up, "I need a drink." Yes, he knew he shouldn't, but he just couldn't take this reality anymore. How could anyone think he could? _"You don't need a drink, Kirk."_ If he kept telling himself, he might believe it.

"But I want it," he whined to the room. He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, but they didn't stay shut for long. "And I'm going to get one." Each time he closed his eyes or tried to rest his mind, he went back to that night and the fear he felt. He had never felt that weak before, and seeing his ex-crew and Seleen had brought back that fear. He couldn't deal with that, which was why he needed a drink, even if he kept telling himself that he was finished with drinking.

It was a fight to stay away from alcohol, and he was going to keep trying. He had promised himself that he would stop, because he didn't want to lose control. He wanted to have a clear mind and didn't like the thoughts that kept intruding. He didn't know how to make the terrible thoughts stop without drinking them away.

_That's it!_ Jim decided he was going to have a drink because he would go crazy without one. He didn't want to deal with his problem right now. He could deal with it after he got back to Earth. He needed to if he wanted the ship and he decided he wanted the beautiful ship called _Providence_. Yes, there was a part of him that wanted to go back to the _Enterprise_ , but he didn't know if he could handle taking that one. There were so many bad memories on that ship.

Slipping on his shoes, Jim stood up and walked to the closet to put on his leather jacket. He was still wearing his non-formal uniform without the golden shirt that he had changed into when he returned to his quarters. He had slept in his blacks and had no interest in changing out of the wrinkled clothes. He shrugged on his coat and headed to the door. Just before heading out, he glanced at the clock on the wall. He liked that it was very late. There were lesser chances that he would run into anyone.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

The lights in the corridors were dimmed. There was no need for bright lights as everyone was supposed to be sleeping. It seemed like the lights designer wasn't aware that Jim wouldn't be able to asleep. It seemed like the bartender wasn't aware either as the bar was closed. On top of that, the replicators wouldn't supply any alcohol. He guessed he could try a store but that meant he would have to go planet-side, and he didn't have any interest in traveling that far. He was too tired to try, and he also knew if he did, he would most likely get lost because sometimes his directional skills sucked.

"You don't need to drink anyways," he told himself. Though he had the biggest urge to take a drink right then, he knew it was the best that he didn't. He didn't know what he would do if he was drunk…He knew it was a problem which would get worse if he didn't stop.

Though there was no one around, Jim flinched when he came to the banquet room where it had been announced that he would become a Captain again. It was the room where he ran into Seleen, who was still no doubtingly looking for him. "No," he told himself, shaking. He wasn't going to allow himself to be controlled by a room of all things.

Before taking a step into the large room, Jim looked to see if the water was gone. He wasn't sure if it was there all of the time or just during events, but to his joy, the water was gone. Eyeing the room around him, Jim walked to the stage. He didn't know what it was but if felt like he was being called there. Once he got to the center of the stage and behind the podium, he took a long look around the room.

The room, no longer glowing, was amazingly clean even though there had been a massive event a few hours ago. There was nothing out of place, which was to be expected since this room would be packed again in twelve hours. The Providence was displayed as a large hologram in the center and was the only light source in the whole room. Jim didn't mind the darkness as it hid him from any one passing by, not that he expected anyone at this time of the night.

Jim stood behind the podium and stared at the empty hall. He closed his eyes for a few seconds as he imaged it full of people and his ex-crew. He imaged them watching him, wondering what he was going to say. By now, they must all know what had happened to him… knew that he was innocent the whole time. They must have felt like shit, but Jim didn't care. It annoyed him that he enjoyed their pain. A Captain should never feel joy over someone's pain even if they deserved it. A Captain needed to forgive those who crossed him.

"What makes you think all of you deserve my forgiveness?" he asked the imaginary crew. In his eyes no one deserved anything from him but anger. "You turned your backs on me when I needed you the most. What makes you think I would let you back in, back into my heart?" His voice started to pick up as he spoke. He stared at one spot just a few feet away from the stage. "You don't get a say in my life anymore." In that spot, he imagined his ex-First Officer. "I just want you to forget that I exist. Just pretend like you never met me and let me move on. I need to move on and I can't do that with you." There was sadness in his voice.

Jim walked away from podium for a few steps before turning back. "I'm going to take that ship," he said, pointing at the hologram. "I'm going to make it one of the best ships in the fleet. I don't need you for anything."

Jim's mind demanded a drink as he could visualize Spock's face perfectly. The pointed ears, the upswept eyebrows, the dark eyes… He could see the sorrow and pain in Spock's face, knowing he had betrayed his Captain. He had turned his back on his lover, unable to take the pain in his eyes. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care and Spock could suffer all night long.

"But wouldn't that mean you haven't moved on yet, Jim?" he asked himself. He knew if he wanted to move on, he needed to look past his friends' betrayal and forgive them. No, that didn't mean he had to be friends or even talk to them again. It just meant he had to release them from their guilt. _"But I can't."_ He didn't think he could as he had too much anger towards his former crew. He didn't know how to release it without violence.

Jim turned his attention to another blank spot. "And you. You were my best friend. My only friend! Even if I did what that asshole said I did, you're supposed to side with _ME!_ " he yelled. "You don't even like that hobgoblin and you picked him over me. How could you do that to me?" It had killed Jim when McCoy turned on him. Jim was surprised that he was able to make it through that alone. It had hurt worse than Spock's betrayal. "Why in the hell do you care if I cheated? I wasn't dating you!"

Shaking his head, Jim turned away from the podium. "And there's the fact that you call yourself a doctor. How could you not notice the pain I was in? How could you not notice that I was dying on the inside? How could you not notice the depression? I wanted to die…and I almost did. Did you know that I tried to end it all?" He took another deep breath. "Of course not. No one did."

Jim turned to a different spot with such hatred that he was surprised it didn't catch on fire. "And you. Who in the hell do you think you are? What makes you think I belonged to you? I belong to no one, but that didn't stop you from trying. Even in my dreams, I can't get away from you. If I could kill you I would, but we all know I can't. Murder is murder." He took a long deep breath as he was pissed and needed to calm down. "You r-raped me, Salean," he snarled. "For that you deserved to rot in hell! For the past few months I allowed you more than what you allowed me. I gave you control… control that I have never given anyone, and now I'm taking it back."

His voice became calm and soft as his anger started to disappear. Though he knew it was going to be an uphill battle and the urge to drink was still there at the very moment, Jim Kirk was going to reclaim his life. It was going to be long and hard but he was going to do it. "I'm James T. Kirk, and I'm the boss of my own life." He turned back to the end of the stage and stared at the Providence, which was _his_. He just had to claim it.

"Jim, I didn't know."

Jim almost jumped five feet into the air as he thought he was alone. Standing in the entryway was his brother, who he hadn't seen since the fight. He knew Sam was here and wanted to apologize, but he wasn't sure how to say it. "Sam, how much did you hear?" he asked. "Why are you up so late?"

Sam stepped into the room with his hands in his pockets. There was a look in Sam's eyes that Jim didn't like; pity. "All of it." He stopped at the edge of the stage but didn't step on it.

"Didn't anyone teach you manners?" Jim asked, putting up his defenses. He didn't want anyone to see him.

"Why do you do this?"

"Do what?"

"Not let anyone in," Sam answered as he stepped onto the stage. "This has more to do with you than with your crew's betrayal. Why won't you trust people? Please let someone in."

Unlike anyone else, Sam could read Jim's emotions. Jim, though he wanted to move on, didn't want to let anyone in or accept any help. "No," he answered. He didn't want to lie anymore. "I can't."

"I know it's hard, but…"

"No, you don't. You never had everyone you trusted knife you in the back," Jim interrupted. He lost count of the number of people who had. Sam was one of them, but Jim knew he couldn't blame him anymore for what happened during their childhoods. Sam was just as scared as he was when they were younger.

"You gave such a nice speech. Did you already forget it? Forgiveness is the key," he stated. He reached out his hand to his brother as a sign of forgiveness. "I'm sorry." Jim stared at the offered hand. "I was a jerk that day at the farmhouse. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm truly sorry. I wish I could change things."

Jim took his brother's hand. "Thank you." He paused. What he was about to say next was very hard for him. He took a deep breath before speaking. "But you also have nothing to be sorry for what happened when we were kids." He pulled his brother into his arms and hugged him. They stood in that hug for a few seconds before releasing. "I missed you, Sam." Jim could forgive his brother because he knew Sam had also suffered during their childhoods. He was too scared to stay and too strong to leave. Yet some part of him wondered whether or not Sam would defend him from his mother.

Sam stepped away with a smile. "You have forgiven me. Now, it's time to forgive the others." Jim didn't answer and just walked past him. Sam turned and watched Jim as he walked to the hologram. "It will help."

"I know."

"And talking does as well." Sam stepped to one of the many tables and leaned against it.

"I know."

"So why didn't you tell me or anyone else?" he asked, glancing back.

Jim flinched. "If we're being honest here, why would I tell anyone?" He dropped down to sit on the end of the hologram box. "We weren't, aren't really, close. I can't stand mother dearest at all." Yes, there was a part of him that wanted to work it out with his mother, but each time he thought he could, she shot it down. He couldn't take her fake happiness, because in the end that was all it was; fake. He could still see it in her eyes. She was forcing this connection with him and that hurt. There shouldn't be any forcing with a relationship. "Oh, there was a deadbeat crew, who couldn't even look at me…. I couldn't admit it to myself, so how could I tell any of you?"

Sam stared as he was unable to speak.

"Can we change the topic?" he asked his brother. He really didn't want to talk to his brother about this….well anyone really.

"Yes, but you still need to talk to someone."

"I know." They locked eyes for a few seconds. "I know."

Sam turned back to Jim with a thought in his mind, but he didn't reveal it. "Are you and Aurelan dating?" he asked. There was something in this voice that Jim couldn't pinpoint.

It wasn't something Jim expected Sam to ask, and why would he ask that? What would give him that idea? Yes, he had played with the idea of pretending to date her, but she shot that down. "No, she just brought me here. I thought about pretending though," he admitted. "Neither of us were over our exes."

Turning, Sam stared at Jim. "What?" It was cleared he was shocked.

Jim eyed Sam from the corner of his eye. "Yes, Sam. She isn't over you." He flashed back to what Aurelan had told him about her former relationship with his brother and about his drinking problem. Was Sam over it yet? "Are you?" he asked aloud.

"Are you going to see Mother?" Sam asked changing the subject.

Nope, it didn't seem so. Jim inwardly sighed. It looks like he wasn't the only one who needed to talk to someone. "No. I think it's time to go to bed." Jim turned toward the door. "I will say that it was great to talk to you, Sam. Maybe, we can talk some more." That was the true, and Jim meant it. He just didn't want to talk about _it._ "About something else though." He smiled at his older brother.

"I would like that," Sam responded. "And I did come to your room earlier but you didn't answer."

"That was you? That would explain one of the knocks." There had been a few knocks on the door. He refused to answer and had no clue who had tried. "But yeah, just stop back sometime." With that Jim left the hall leaving his brother alone.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Jim really did mean to go back to his quarters but the second he turned down the corridor, he suddenly changed his mind and was off in the opposite direction. He knew he should be sleeping as he had a big day ahead of him, but the nightmares wouldn't let him get any rest. The only solid sleep he had in the past month was on the Constellation, and he still didn't really understand how. It probably had something to do with the fact it was a starship.

Within a few minutes he found himself at the door of Admiral Pike's room. "I hope he's alone," he joked. He didn't know anything about Pike's personal life, not that he really cared to find out who the Admiral was sleeping with. "Urgh," he muttered as an image of Pike and some girl appeared in his mind. "That's going to scar me for the rest of my life."

Taking a deep breath, Jim rang the bell to the door. He wasn't surprised when there was no answer. Though the chances were low that Pike would answer, there was also a chance he would have to yell at him to go away. Jim knew first hand that Pike wasn't a heavy sleeper, which had landed him in trouble a few times. He rang the bell again, and again there was no answer.

"Maybe, I should walk away," Jim said to himself. This could be a sign just to leave, but he really wanted to speak to Pike. "I could wait for tomorrow, but…" He was scared because there was a chance he would turn chicken and change his mind. Taking a deep breath, Jim rang again, and this time he held it for a few seconds. He knew this had to be annoying Pike.

"This better be an emergency or I'm going to make it one!" Jim heard Pike yell through the comm. He held back the laugher as he doubted that Pike would do that. "If this is some prank, I'll court martial your ass!"

As the door flew open, Jim spoke, "Already happened once." He waved it off, chuckling. That one court martial flashed before his eyes as he thought about it. It had been the first time he met Spock, and that didn't turn out well….but then again, that whole day didn't end well. He rubbed his neck.

Leaning against the door and getting over his shock at seeing Jim at his door, Pike narrowed his eyes as he crossed his arms. "This one would be ten times worse." He looked at Jim. "What's going on?"

"I needed to speak with you."

"And this couldn't wait until morning?" Pike asked annoyed.

Jim took a deep breath. "No," he answered simply.

"Come in," Pike said, moving to the side of the door.

He waved Jim in. Jim took a step into the room before freezing. There, in the corner of Pike's quarters were a few bottles of alcohol, and even after his promise, Jim still craved a drink. He wanted one badly, but he knew he couldn't take a sip. _I can't be in here._ "Can we take a walk?" Jim asked, not wanting to talk in here.

Pike narrowed his eyes. "It's late."

"I know."

"Fine, let me get changed," Pike sighed as he turned away from the door.

Jim glared at the whiskey before watching Pike head to the restroom in his quarters. "I'll wait outside for you," he spoke. Pike nodded as he left Jim outside. Taking a deep breath, Jim leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.

What was he going to say Pike? Should he tell him the truth about everything? Pike didn't know the whole story even if the Admiral thought he did. He didn't know how badly Spock and McCoy had betrayed him and that his whole crew turned on him for something that had nothing to do with them. He just knew something happened. Sure, Jim was pissed at the whole lot of them, but he didn't want to throw the crew under the bus and let Pike roast them.

There was also the fact that Jim had a drinking problem….yes, he could admit it to himself, but he didn't want to tell anyone else. They didn't need to know that. He took a deep breath. If he told Pike about the drinking, it wouldn't turn out well and he could lose the _Providence_. Who would want a drunken idiot in charge of a ship? Okay, Jim didn't blame anyone for that one, but he still didn't like it. He was trying to change everything about himself. Would that account for anything? He hoped it did.

There was also the issue that he had anger management problems and tried to kill himself. That wasn't exactly captain material. No one wanted a captain like that. "What am I going to do?" he asked with a sigh. He couldn't go on with his life as it was right now, because it would eventually kill him. Should he go back to Starfleet? He was unstable and people knew it. Spock knew which annoyed him. He knew how protective the Vulcan was of him, and what he would do anything if he thought Jim was in danger.

Again, that protectiveness just pissed him off and it made him want to hit the pointy eared bastard, even if it was a very stupid idea. He didn't need a broken hand. He hadn't run into McCoy yet, but he already knew that meeting wasn't going to turn out well either. He had so much anger toward the doctor that he would probably hit him the moment he saw him. He had planned to try hard to avoid them until he realized there would always be a chance. All three of them were part of Starfleet.

Jim turned as he heard the door open. Pike walked out wearing a black shirt and pants like Jim, but his blacks weren't a part of a Starfleet uniform like Jim's outfit. "So what do you want to talk about?" he asked.

"Let's walk," Jim said as he turned. He had to work up the nerve to tell Pike the truth.

In silence, Pike walked behind Jim eyeing him. It didn't take a genius to know that Jim wanted to talk about something important and knew from experience he couldn't push the kid to talk.

After they reached an observation deck, Jim turned to face Pike. He leaned back against the glass and took a deep breath. "Pike," he spoke.

Though he didn't want to push Jim, Pike was tired and would rather be sleeping than standing in a dark room. "You know I would like to get back to sleep."

"Got a hot girl in there?" Jim joked. Though he shouldn't be changing the subject, he needed a laugh.

Pike narrowed his eyes. "No, I don't. Not you." There was a chuckle.

_Geez, does everyone thinks I am man whore?_ He thought to himself. The crude joke hurt, but he let it go. There was no need to pick a fight over it.

Pike stopped chuckling when he saw Jim's jaw tighten. He had forgotten what a lot of people assumed about Kirk. "But that isn't what you wanted to talk about? And if that is, I'm going to slap you."

Jim smiled softly. "First of all, I'm sorry for how I acted since I got here. All of it had been uncalled for." He had acted like a child towards his former commanding officer and Pike didn't deserve it.

"You woke me up to say you're sorry?" He sounded annoyed. "It could have waited until tomorrow." He walked to the bench in the corner of the room and took a deep breath. He remembered it took a lot for Jim to say he was sorry. "I do accept it though. I understand what you were going through." There was an interesting plant next to the bench, which Pike studied as he sat down.

It was now or never for Jim. "An apology wasn't why I woke you up, but it's important." He took another deep breath. "I want the _Providence_."

Pike smiled. "I figured you would. I wondered how long it would take you to decide." He leaned forward. "But again, why did you wake me for this?"

He knew it was stupid to wake Pike up because the man was grumpy without sleep. "I needed to say what I'm about to say now."

"Did Spock piss you off? Are you accepting this because you're angry?" he asked. "I saw you both go down the same hallway. What did he say?"

Was that the reason? Yes, he wasn't thinking about the assignment before Spock pissed him off, but it wasn't the only reason why he was accepting the Providence. He needed it. He needed his old life back. "Not really."

"Jim…"

"It isn't," Jim snapped. He also wasn't taking it because several people told him it was a bad idea. This had nothing to do with that.

"Okay, then what is it?" he asked. "There's something. I can see it."

Jim allowed himself to slip down the window into a sitting position on the ground. "I think…no, I know," he admitted after a few seconds, "that I have a problem."

Pike eyed him on the floor. "We all have problems."

"This might stop me from taking the _Providence_ ," Jim stated as he rested his head on his knees. He stared at the floor, feeling like he was going to make the biggest mistake of his life.

"Jim, what is it?"

"I have a drinking problem."

"I know."

Jim stared at him, his eyes wide open. "What? How?"

Pike stood up and walked to Jim. He slowly sat down next to him and put an arm on Jim's shoulder. "I did watch you ride off drunk. I saw the signs, and I saw how you acted when you noticed the whiskey in my room."

"Signs? Am I that readable?" he asked, annoyed at that possibility. It was the last thing he wanted to be.

"That and Selek told me."

"What? Why would he tell you?" It pissed him off. Why would Selek tell Pike anything? It was none of his business. _He cares about you,_ he told himself.

"He doesn't believe you're ready for the _Providence_. Spock agrees, but I don't know how much weight I would put in his opinion about you," Pike admitted.

"They both need to just mind their business," Jim snapped.

Pike eyed him. "I thought you and Selek were close."

Jim shot to his feet. He was angry and annoyed. "He betrayed me to Spock." He ran his hand through his hair as he crossed to the plant Pike was looking at earlier. It was a funny color that made Jim take a double look. _How could Selek do this to me?_ It made Jim want to yell at him.

"How did he do that?" he asked. "I don't understand why you don't tell Spock the truth? I'm sure he would've stood with you. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Jim yelled. "There's nothing going on!" He kicked the plant, but all the action did was shoot pain through his body.

"Jim!" Pike yelled, jumping to his feet as Jim winced. "There's something. Tell me." There was compassion in his voice that made Jim want to tell him everything.

Shaking his head, Jim turned. He had a feeling that Pike knew about his relationship with Spock, though he had never been sure about it. "There's more," Jim spoke. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth. He explained everything. He revealed his relationship with Spock to Pike. He told him about his last days on the Enterprise, about his anger, and his lack of caring. He told him about his pain, his attempt to take his own life, and how he kept thinking about it.

"Jim…"

"I did, Pike. When I left you, I had reached my end. I wanted to end it all…There's a small part of me that still wants to end it all," he confessed. There were tears running down his face. "See? I bet you want to take the _Providence_ away from me now, don't you?"

Pike took a deep breath. "I want to help you, Jim. I want the best for you."

Jim turned and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't answer my question." He tried to curb his anger but it was getting harder to do. He thought it would start to get better now that he had something, but it was about to be taken from him.

"Though I'll do anything for you, I'm an Admiral in Starfleet. I cannot allow an unstable man take control of a ship when there's a chance he can hurt those in his command."

"So yes," he replied, slowly. Jim knew Pike was correct and if he was in Pike's spot, he would do the same thing. "Then why let me think I could take it?" His voice was soft, almost too soft to hear.

"I didn't think you would take it to begin with since you know the whole 'forcing you into this' ruse." Jim stared at him with an intense look. Pike took another deep breath. "And if you did, I have two years, Jim. Two years to get you back."

Jim exhaled. "You think I can get better?"

"I have faith in you."

"You would be the only one." It seemed like no one, except Pike, believed in him anymore, and it pissed him off. He thought he had Selek in his corner but now he wasn't too sure. It appeared he was siding with Spock now which annoyed the hell out of him. Selek knew what Spock did to him, so why would he do that? He was supposed to be his support.

"They have faith in you. You just can't see it."

Shaking his head, he took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do." He was at a lost to what he was supposed to be doing. Was he supposed to pretend he was okay? Was he supposed to show his pain and tears? As he closed his eyes, he blew out the air he was holding. He didn't want anyone to see his broken self. He didn't want anyone to know that he was dying on the inside.

"You took the first step." Pike put his arm around Jim and pulled the younger man towards him. "Once we get back to Earth, we can move from there." He guided Jim forward to the door. "Let's get you to bed. You need to rest. "

"Rest," Jim muttered as he allowed Pike to guide him to his quarters. He didn't think he could do that with so many thoughts running through his mind.

"Yeah, I'll be back in the morning for you," he stated. "I came to your room earlier but you never answered. Let's hope you answer in the morning."

Once they got to the corridor outside of Jim's room, he pulled away from Pike, who reluctantly allowed him to do so. "I can make it from here. Thank you, sir."

Pike took a deep breath. "Anytime, kid." He smiled as he turned to leave.

Jim watched as Pike walked away. He hadn't told Pike about his run in with Seleen, because he wasn't sure what good it would do. Yes, he would love to see Seleen thrown out on his ass, but it wouldn't stop that monster. He didn't want to seem like a bigger baby than he already felt. He wanted to move forward not backwards and that involved forgiveness. Sam had been right, but he didn't know if he was strong enough for that.

"And Jim," Pike called, bringing Jim out of his thoughts. Jim turned and saw that the Admiral was a few feet away from him. "If you wake me up in the middle of the night again, there'll be hell to pay."

That made Jim chuckle. "Yea, yea." He waved his off. Pike disappeared around a corner, leaving him alone in the dark. Jim stared off into the direction. "What am I doing?" he asked himself as he crossed to the door. There was a part of him that always seemed to doubt his own actions.

It took him one try to enter the code to his door even though he was dead tired and his eyes were nearly closed. The door slid open and he walked to his bed without turning the lights on. He didn't need them as he would be going straight to bed or at least trying to sleep. He wasn't really sure if he could sleep anymore.

Sitting down on the bed, Jim took off his coat and tossed it aside. He had aimed for the desk but missed and the coat landed a few feet short. He didn't care and wasn't going to pick it up. Facing the room with his back to the wall, he lay down on his side and exhaled. He shifted a few times, trying to get comfortable.

Before closing his eyes, he noticed something on the table in his room, which hadn't been there before he left for his night walk. "Lights," he called out. The lights flicked on, quickly revealing the object on the table. "What the hell?"

In a vase on the table, stood some very ugly looking flowers, or what Jim thought were flowers. He didn't have any idea of what kind they were but knew he had seen them before. He had no idea why the obnoxious flowers, which were dark in color, looked familiar to him. Jim Kirk wasn't a fan of flowers as they were useless in his opinion. Sure, they smelled good, but that didn't last. Why would anyone waste their money on something that was going to die soon anyway? If Jim recalled correctly, he only purchased flowers one time because an ex begged him to buy her flowers.

However, the real question was how they did they get into his quarters? No one could get into his room unless they had the access code, and no one, including Aurelan, had the code. It was how he liked it. He didn't want anyone to have unneeded access to him.

Jumping to his feet, Jim walked to the vase to get a closer look. After he found out who sent the flowers, he would go yell at that person, because it pissed him off that someone was able to get in his room. Noticing a card in the flowers, Jim pulled it out. _There are only a few people that could have sent this,_ he thought. If had been from Spock (not that he suspected they came from him), he would throw them at his face.

He opened the card and froze, even though his heart was moving at a million miles per hour. "How is this possible?" he asked, shocked. Closing his eyes, Jim tried to calm himself, as he was about to have a panic attack. "No. NO," he yelled, dropping the card. "I won't let you." He picked up the vase full of flowers and hurled them against the wall. The vase shattered, soaking the wall and floor with water. The flowers had flown everywhere, scattering their ugly petals all over the room. "NO." He pushed the chair out of the way as he made his way to the door. He couldn't stay here anymore.

Jim couldn't get out of the room fast enough, leaving the card on the floor. There was nothing special about the card itself as it was a single piece of white paper, but it was the message that had been written on it that had sent Jim running.

**_Jim,_ **

**_Oh, how I miss you and the feel of your skin on mine. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I want to see you, but there're so many forces in my way, which I must deal with first. I know these flowers aren't much, but I hope they remind you of my love. I promise, I will see you soon, because nothing will keep me from you, my love._ **

**_Your Salean_ **

The note had shaken Jim to the very core. He didn't know what was going to do but knew he had to do something. Though he wanted and was going to move on (Jim had told himself that he wouldn't fail), he didn't know if he would be able to handle seeing Salean again. It only made things worse that he knew Saleen was hiding somewhere, watching him. He knew eventually the fear alone would surely kill him…. He knew Salean wouldn't let him go.

Jim was really beginning to think life wasn't worth it anymore.


	15. Captain MIA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are wondering what happened between McCoy and Kirk, this chapter will answer some of them.

* * *

Aurelan hadn't seen Jim since he stormed out of the medical bay, and she was worried. She didn't know what was going through his head, but she knew it probably couldn't be anything good. Jim had been so negative about himself, which she knew happens a lot with victims. They blamed themselves, thinking of all the things they could have done to change and/or stop it. She knew Jim blamed himself because of their first conversation. She had told him then that it wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't listen. She had played the blame game herself when Sam never called her back. Even though she didn't consider herself a victim, she had blamed herself at the time. It took her a long time to see that it wasn't her fault. Jim needed time. She knew if he kept on this track, he would be fine, but she was worried that something or someone would try to stop it. _Salean, I wish I could stab you,_ she threated in her mind. Thinking of Jim's former crew and what they did, she realized they could set him back as well.

_"Maybe, you're worrying about nothing,"_ she told herself as she came across his quarters. After taking a deep breath, she pressed the comm, but there was no answer. She stared at the unit for a second, wondering if she should try again or leave him alone. _"Maybe, he isn't here."_ She shook her head. If he wasn't here, where would he be? She rang the room again. "Open up, Jim," she ordered into the comm.

There was still no answer. "Time to wake up!" she yelled. It would be bad if he was still sleeping. Jim had to be at this morning meal with the Admirals, and Pike stressed the importance of it last night when she ran into him. He wanted to remind Jim last night but stopped when he realized Jim needed some time to cool off. Aurelan had wanted to tell Pike about the night's events, but she didn't want to go behind Jim's back. He had enough people doing that to him.

"Jim," she sighed in annoyance. She slammed her hand down on the comm and to her surprise the door slid open. "What the hell?" Even when Jim was inside his room, he never left the door unlocked. To prevent someone from having the ability to come right in, he never told anyone his code, including her. It really worried her that the door was unlocked. "Jim," she called, not wanting to step in. The sight before her reminded her of one of those scenes in a horror film. The type where the viewer says, 'you're an idiot for going into a dark room.'

Taking a deep breath, Aurelan took a step inside. "And I'm the idiot in this movie." She took a quick look but couldn't see anything. "It might help if I turn on the lights _,"_ she told herself.

"Lights." The lights popped on, revealing the room to her. Her heart almost skipped a beat as she noticed the broken chair and vase. Pieces of wood were spread all over the room, and shards of the glass vase were sticking out of the carpet and walls. The flowers, though Aurelan wasn't sure were flowers in the first place, were scattered everywhere.

Stepping to the flowers, she dropped down to her knees. "It's dry," she whispered, examining the spot. "This happened a while ago." Something had to have happened to make Jim snap like that. _"I have to find Jim,"_ she thought as she moved to her feet. She knew for Jim to do this something bad must have happened, and she had to make sure he was okay. She took a long look around the room, looking for some clue to what happened and where he went. Just as she was to about to leave, she spotted the white card on the floor.

_"This must have come with the flowers,"_ she thought as she picked it up. Her heart stopped as she read the card. If she remembered correctly (not that she could forget), Salean was the name of the asshat that raped Jim. "Jim," she uttered as she thought about the pain he must be going through. Who did that fucker think he was? Didn't he care that he hurt Jim and was continuing to hurt him? She sighed as she realized he didn't, because he raped him in the first place.

Though she knew Jim wouldn't like what she was about to do and not that she really cared, she needed to tell Pike. There was a big chance that Jim was in danger. "Jim, where are you?" she asked as she bolted out of the room.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Pike took a deep breath as he watched all the Federation Officials, Admirals, and Captains walk into the dining room. Jim was missing from the group which both annoyed and worried him. He had stopped by Jim's room earlier to personally get him because their midnight talk had left him worried. Not to his surprise, Jim was not in his quarters.

_Jim,_ he thought. He didn't know what the young captain was going through and he wasn't going to try to guess what he was going through. He might never fully know, but he was going to do everything in his power to help him.

He put on a smile as he looked around the room. Even if he didn't like everyone in the room, he really had nothing against them. Decker, for example, had an impressive track record and was a good Captain, but it didn't mean that Pike had to like him. He didn't. It annoyed him that Kirk and Decker were good friends. Decker had bad habits that he didn't want Jim to pick up.

"Admiral Pike."

Pike glanced over to see Captain Pitts, who took the seat next to him. "Captain," he greeted. "How are you?" Turning back, he eyed Decker, who smiled at him.

"I'm well," he stated as he took a look around the room. "You know you're glaring at Captain Decker, right?" Pitts asked with a chuckle.

Shaking out of his thoughts, Pike turned to Pitts with wide eyes. "I'm not glaring," he stated, defending himself.

Pitts laughed again. "Good, because you don't need people talking."

Pike exhaled, knowing that Pitts was right. He didn't need people gossiping, and it wouldn't be fair for him to dislike a good Captain like Decker, even if he was a jokester.

"So where's Kirk?" Pitts asked as he looked around for Kirk. "I heard no one has seen him since he walked off the stage last night. Did you ever find him?"

"He found me," he said with a smile.

Pitts looked at him with a calculated stare. "So where's he now?"

Pike knew the man was fishing for something, but he wasn't sure why or what he wanted. "Something came up," he replied. Pike didn't want to tell Pitts that he had no idea of Jim's current location. _Jim, you can't be doing this,_ he thought. He knew Jim hated these things and would try everything to get out of them, but he had to stop if he wanted to keep the _Providence_. It looked bad after everything that happened right after he turned his back on Starfleet.

"I hope everything's fine with him."

"It is," Pike stated, though he wasn't sure about that.

Pitts opened his mouth say something, but he was interrupted by Admiral Komack, who suddenly stood up. His smile was as neat as his uniform. "Let's eat before we talk about business," he smiled again as he waved in the servers. When he turned to Pike, he gave him a look as if to ask him where Jim Kirk was at that moment.

Pike shrugged, knowing he would have to talk to Jim about his absence. Komack and Pike kept eye contact as the food was brought out. Breaking it first, Pike shook his head as he glanced to an empty place setting.

"What was that about?" Pitts asked, noticing Komack's and Pike's staring contest.

"Don't worry about it," Pike replied.

"I-" Again, Pitts was interrupted as a loud commotion could be heard from the other side of the door. Every head turned to the door. "What's going on out there?"

Pike didn't answer as he was trying his best to listen to the commotion. He thought he heard someone shout his name, but he could have been wrong. It was hard to tell with all the chatter from the room, and the voices of the security personnel. He was about to turn away when a woman outside raised her voice. "I need to talk to Admiral Pike!" she yelled. "It's important." He rubbed his forehead in annoyance as the whole room turned their attention to him.

"I'll handle this," Pike stated as he stood up. He became annoyed as he could feel their eyes staring at his back. Captain Pitts stood up to go with Pike, but the Admiral waved him off. "I can handle this alone," he told him as he walked to the door. The woman in the hall was shouting for him, no one else.

Admiral Pike quickly walked out of the room and took a step towards the sounds. To his surprise, it was Miss Swift, who was arguing with a red shirt he didn't know. He waved the security guy away so he could speak to her alone. He had a strong feeling he wasn't going to like what she had to say.

_Why is she here? And why is she yelling for me?_ He thought to himself. He barely knew the woman, having only spoken to her twice. He did know she arrived here with Jim but wasn't sure why he trusted her. Perhaps they were dating and even if they weren't, they did seem close.

"Miss Swift," he called. Aurelan, if recalled her name correctly, turned to him and he could see the worry on her face. It wasn't a good sign. "Why are you looking for me?" he asked, getting straight to the point. She had interrupted an important conference. "This has better be important."

She was holding something in her hand. "It is. It's about Jim." Her voice was filled with worry.

"What about Jim? Did something happen to him?" he said, starting to get very worried. He knew Jim had a knack for getting into trouble. He recalled how even back at the Academy, Jim would try anything to get out of these social events.

"I don't know."

He eyed her, completely annoyed "So you dragged me out here and you don't know if something happened?"

"Read this!" she demanded as she shoved the card into his hand.

Pike took the card and stared at her. "What's this?" he asked, looking at the note. He looked at her again before reading the note. He felt his stomach drop as he read it. "I'm going to kill Salean," he swore. The Admiral was always protective of Jim and now he felt that more than ever.

"You'll have to get in line," she angrily stated.

"Are you sure Jim saw this?" There was a chance that Jim hadn't seen the card.

"Well, his room is trashed. The flowers that came with this are all over the floor."

Pike looked at her before glancing to the door. "I need to tell Admiral Komack," he said.

"We don't have time! We have to find Jim right now! That rapist could have him," she frantically said.

"If that's the case, we're going to need all the help we can get," he stated. "Go get Selek and bring him to Jim's quarters."

She looked at him. "Why Jim's room? He isn't there. He just left it a big mess."

Pike looked at her. He was torn between wanting to half smile or say something smart but stopped himself. It wasn't the time or place for any of that. Right now he had to find Jim and kill a certain Dalenien. No, two Daleniens. "We might find something there." He still held the card in his hand and had no interest in giving it back to her. He needed it.

"Okay, but hurry," she stated as she turned around. Without a second thought, she ran down the hallway toward Selek's room.

Pike watched her for a few seconds before walking back into the room. As the door closed behind him, he felt a few eyes on him, which annoyed him. He knew there were all expecting him to walk back to his seat, but he didn't. Pike was not a stranger to embarrassing and awkward moments, but now, he felt like he was doing the walk of shame. Forcing his head forward, he walked toward Komack, who was half way finished with his plate. The Admiral stared at him sternly as he tried to figure out what was going with Pike.

Pike's mind wandered to Jim and where the hell he was hiding. For a moment he tried to convince himself that just because Jim had received a note from Salean, it did not mean the Dalenien had him. Maybe, Jim just needed to get away from the world. Jim had a habit of disappearing when things got bad, and Pike didn't blame him after everything that he had been through. He just wished Jim would come to him or someone else when he needed help.

Taking a deep breath, he continued his walk toward the back of the room. He still felt eyes on him as he arrived at the front table. He leaned down to Komack, who was eyeing him strangely. "Is everything okay with that woman, Pike?" Komack asked, quietly. Pike was a few inches away from him. "Didn't break her heart, did you?"

Pike narrowed his eyes. "No, I did not. This is about Jim. Something's wrong," he stated, rubbing the card that Aurelan had given him with his thumb.

Komack glanced at Barnett from the corner of his eyes. "And I figured that he just skipped this like the rest of us wanted to do," he said, with light smile. "So what happened?" Pike handed over the card to Komack and watched as anger set in. "Are you sure Kirk saw this?"

Pike nodded. "Yes."

Komack glanced around the room, noticing a few eyes on them. It was obvious that they knew something was going on as they watched the two Admirals whispering to each other. "It doesn't mean Salean has him." He paused. "Salean isn't even here."

"That we know of. There are a few ways that he could have sneaked in." When Pike had learned about Jim's RSVP which had arrived less than a day before the event (Leave it to Jim to RSVP at the last minute), he bumped up security and put in stricter flight regulations into the Deon System in the hope of keeping Salean out, but he realized it would be very difficult. The Dalenien was smart and there was no doubt he would try as this would be his best chance to get to Jim. "We have to find him."

"You care about that boy."

"I wouldn't refer to him as a boy," Pike responded, not denying anything.

Komack stood up, drawing even more attention to them. It was a clear sign that something was going on. "Alright," he stated with the card still in his hands. He put a smile on his face as he looked out to the crowd. "There's something I have to attend to. Please, enjoy the rest of the breakfast." He stepped out from the table and waved Pike to follow him.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Selek had just finished his mediation, when Sarek entered his quarters to speak with him. Selek wasn't too sure why his father had wanted to speak to him, because even after a year, their relationship was strained at best. Yes, they worked well together on a professional level, but there were still the awkward moment when their work was finished. Sarek knew who Selek was and he knew Amanda lived in his timeline.

"Ambassador Sarek," he greeted.

"There is no need to be formal," Sarek stated.

"Is this is about Project Omega?" Selek asked, unsure if there was anything else they could talk about. What could they talk about that did not require formality?

Sarek stood still next to the door with his hands behind his back like he always did. Selek did not know if Sarek had another stance. "No, Spock. It is not."

The answer had taken the breath from Selek. Living in this time, he had become so used to not being called by his given name, and he did not realize that he missed it until someone addressed him as Spock. "What do you wish to speak about?" he asked, looking at Sarek. He was starting to look human, which was worrisome.

He took a deep breath. "I am-" Sarek was unable to finish his sentence when there was an abrupt banging at Selek's door. "Doctor McCoy again? He does have an act of interrupting in the most barbaric way."

Selek's eye brow rose. "You did not call James barbaric when he was banging at your door."

Sarek shifted. "I have a fondness for James." Selek did not expect that of his father, who always a difficult time admitting anything. "He reminds me much of Amanda."

Selek knew for Sarek to say that, Jim was truly a special person. Sarek didn't say that about anyone.

"You should answer that as I do not think he is going away," Sarek said, as he turned to stare at the door. There was still banging at the door. "We can talk about it later."

"That would be logical," Selek answered, knowing that McCoy would not leave until he wanted to leave. And he did not want to force the good Doctor to leave just to speak with his father. Selek crossed the room and opened the door. To his surprise it was Aurelan. "Miss Swift," he greeted. He had been curious to find out about her relationship with Jim, but his curiosity was cut by the worry on her face.

"Ambassador Selek, I…" She drifted off as she saw Sarek.

Noticing her silence, Sarek walked pass them both. "We will speak later, Selek." He disappeared down the hallway, leaving them alone.

"How may I help you?" Selek asked.

"Jim is missing."

Recently that fact wasn't out of the norm for the young captain. Jim had started to disappear when he became stressed or overwhelmed, which had worried Selek. It was not a healthy habit to run away from those emotions. "I am sure Jim will return, Miss Swift. This is not the first time he has done this."

Aurelan looked at him. "This is different," she countered. "He received a note from Salean. He threatened to come after him."

Selek was very good at controlling his emotions for the most part but hearing about the note almost made his control slip. This whole situation had tested his control, and there were times that he had been close to losing it. "Jim has seen the note?" he asked, his voice was soft.

Salean, who had been trying to contact Jim for months, had sent countless notes, flowers, videos, and gifts to Jim; however, none had made it through thanks to the security checks. Nothing can travel through space without being checked.

"Judging from his room, yes." She took a deep breath. "Do you think Salean has him?"

Selek was never good with emotional troubles of others. He had no idea of what to say to her and didn't want to try. "Anything is possible," he stated. He knew Seleen would do anything to please his son and would gladly help him kidnap Jim. It was why it worried him when Seleen learned of Jim's presence. "We must alert Admiral Pike to this."

Aurelan gave him a weak smile. "Admiral Pike sent me to get you and bring you to Jim's quarters." She closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to clear the image of the trashed room from her mind.

"We should not keep him waiting," Selek stated, worried for Jim. It seemed it was Jim's life mission to make him die of worry, and now it looked like he was going to succeed in doing that. There was a part of him that wondered if Jim enjoyed seeing him like this. It didn't matter the timeline, as in each, he would take unnecessary risks. He wondered if that made his counter-part as annoyed as it did to him. He imagined it was worse for young Spock as he and Jim had a relationship. The urge to protect Jim would have been greater than his own.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Pike and Komack had made it to Jim's quarters in a short amount of time. Not waiting for Selek and Aurelan, they entered the room and took a look around. Pike noticed the now dead flowers on the ground. "Those flowers are only grown on Dalenius," he stated as he picked up one of the ugly blooms. He took a closer look to study it.

"How would you know that?" Komack asked, looking around the room. He was looking for any sign of a struggle, but he wasn't sure if Jim did the damage out of anger or if it was the result of a fight. He knew the young man would not be able to put much of a fight against a Dalenian. He had no doubt of Kirk's fighting ability, but there wasn't much of a chance he could handle one with his fists alone. Dalenians were known for their super strength.

Turning to Komack, Pike pointed the flower toward him. "Because this isn't the first time Salean had sent these flowers to Jim." He paused. "Although this is the first time they had reached him." He exhaled. "Salean is resourceful." This was another reason why Pike wanted Jim back with Starfleet, as it would be easier for him to keep Jim safe. There was no telling what Salean would do to get to Jim.

"I wasn't aware of that." he stated turning back to Pike, who had started to pick at the flower. He had known of Salean's nonstop attempts and countless petitions to see Jim, but he wasn't aware of the flowers.

"Jim wasn't aware of it as well." Pike took a deep breath. If Jim had known, it wouldn't have been pretty. He had already been worrying about Jim's mental state, and he didn't think Jim could take the terrible stress of knowing.

"Why wasn't I made aware of that?" Komack asked. It was cleared he was irritated.

Pike knew it was stupid not to tell Komack, but at the time he didn't consider it something that the man needed to know as he had other things to worry about. After everything that happened, he wanted to personally handle Jim's security. Jim needed proof that someone cared about him. "I didn't believe you needed to know at the time."

"I want to know everything that involves that man, even if you don't think it's important." He gave Pike a long look. "And those obnoxious flowers. Do you know what they mean?" He knew the flowers on Earth had a different meaning.

Pike took a deep breath. "Understood." He looked down at the flower. "I guess you would compare them to roses, though I would prefer roses over them. Roses are pretty at least." He stared the flowers. "I guess what makes them special is the rarity of the flower. These are only found on Dalenius in certain places." He remembered some of the Dalenian officials telling him this, and they also explained that it was considered a great honor to receive them. "For Salaen to send them to Kirk, it means..." He didn't want to finish the sentence.

Komack didn't need him to finish his sentence as he understood exactly what Pike meant. "He has to be dealt with."

"It could already be too late." There was no telling that Salaen would be willing to do. He had already shown that Jim meant a lot to him, even if it was in a twisted way, and he wasn't going to give him up.

"We do not know that."

"I-"Pike started but he was silenced by the door opening. Selek and Aurelan entered the room.

"Ambassador Selek," Komack greeted. "I wish these were better circumstances. This should have been a joyful meeting." He had not given the card back to Pike.

"So do I, Admiral Komack," Selek responded back. "What do you know?" He looked between Pike and Komack. It only took a few minutes to explain everything that they knew, which wasn't much.

"Have you tried scanning the station for him?" Selek asked.

Feeling like an idiot, Pike shook his head as he hadn't even thought of doing that. "I will need access to the station security system and that'll take some time." Though this was a Federation event, the Deon Council was in control of the space dock.

Aurelan crossed to the computer in the room and turned it on. They watched her as she did so, and didn't say a word until she rotated in the chair. "That will only take a few seconds."

"What did you do?" Komack asked, eyeing her.

"I hacked into the mainframe and started a scan. It will only take a few seconds to locate Jim," she explained.

"Fascinating," Selek uttered.

"Did you just admit to a crime in front of two Starfleet Admirals and an Ambassador?" Pike asked. Though he frowned at her law breaking, he was quite impressed at her hacking skills.

She glanced at each of them. "Are you going to throw me in the brig, Admiral Pike?" she asked. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. "We need to find Jim before someone else here does. I heard Salean's father is here."

"Seleen has already spoken to Jim," Selek stated, briefly explaining the run in. "I have no doubt he will try to speak to Jim again before this event it over."

Pike was growing angrier by the minute. What was it with that family and thinking they could do anything that they wanted? Trying to calm himself, he took a deep breath. The conversation that he had with Jim was starting to make more sense.

Komack rubbed his forehead. "So it is quite possible that Salean has help from his Seleen." He glanced back to the computer, which was still scanning. "Do we have any proof of that?"

Pike glanced toward the flowers. "Kirk didn't get the flowers until after Seleen had seen him."

Selek was standing with his hands behind his back as he stared off. "It does not mean he is helping his son. The news that Jim is getting a ship would have spread and he could have learned it on his own."

"That doesn't mean he isn't," Aurelan stated, drawing the attention to her. They had almost forgotten that she was there.

"We know," Pike stated. "But we simply cannot break the law just because we want to." He glanced back to the computer. He couldn't be mad at her because she was doing something that he wanted to do. He wanted to toss the regulations out the window and beat Salean and Seleen to death, but he couldn't. He didn't want to turn into a monster like them.

"We can't stand here and do nothing," she protested.

"We are doing something," Selek responded.

Komack handed the card back to Pike and crossed to the computer next to Aurelan, staring intensely at it. His presence made her uncomfortable, but he didn't care. "It appears that the scan is completed."

"What does it say?" Pike asked. His heart was beating fast.

Aurelan turned back to the monitor and her mouth dropped. "It's unable to locate Jim."

Pike took a deep breath. "That isn't good. Not good at all."

"Don't think so negatively, Chris. He could have gone planetside," Komack stated, not really liking that idea. There were so many dangers on the planet, and it would be easier for Salean or Seleen to take him. He looked towards the dead flowers on the floor. "Isn't it a crime to let those flowers die?" he asked.

"It is," Selek answered, staring at the flowers on the floor. After a few seconds, he turned away. "Maybe there was an error," Selek replied, walking over to the monitor. "These programs can error at times."

Aurelan glared. "There's nothing wrong with my program," she snapped as she moved out of the way for the Vulcan. "Why don't you look at it, Ambassador Selek?" she added.

"Easy," Pike warned.

Aurelan looked at him and sighed. "Sorry," she muttered.

Selek turned slightly to her and nodded. "It is fine," he stated as he typed away. "It is a common misconception."

Komack almost laughed as he looked between the two. Vulcans had a special way of insulting a person without really insulting someone. "Are you able to locate Kirk?" he asked the Ambassador. From the corner of his eyes, he could see that Miss Swift was still annoyed.

Selek rotated in the chair and faced both of the Admirals. "It seems that Miss Swift is correct. Jim is not located on the dock. I could start a scan of the planet if you like."

"See! There's nothing wrong with my program," Aurelan stated, defending her program.

"I said I could not locate Jim and not that your program is correct," Selek responded. Aurelan glared again, but she didn't say anything.

Pike glanced toward Komack, who shook his head. "I can look past the illegal scan of the space dock, but I cannot look pass the illegal scan of a planet. They would detect that," Komack answered. "We'll have to go the old fashion way."

"A planet wide search?" Aurelan asked, confused. "We won't find him that way. The planet is too big for that."

Komack shook his head. "No, we must speak with Seleen. He might know something."

Pike exhaled before speaking, "And I can give him a piece of my mind for trying to speak with Jim. He knows he has been ordered to stay away from Jim."

Aurelan looked between. "Is there something I can do in the mean time?" she asked.

Komack had turned away from her. Pike spoke, "Nothing at the moment. I will let you know if we learn something." She knew that meant there was there was nothing she could do to assist.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy had just woken up. Usually he had no problems, but today, he had no interest in getting out of bed. He just wanted to lie in his bed and rot. However, there were places he needed to be and people he needed to see. The whole event was just an annoying headache, but he had no other choice.

Pushing himself out bed, he crossed to the dresser. After he had gotten dressed, he left his quarters in the search of Captain Pitts, who had requested to see him. He knew Pitts was in a breakfast meeting of some kind, but it was scheduled to be over in a few minutes. He would rather be early than late. He didn't want to invite an earful from that guy. He didn't know if it was Pitts or that fact he wanted nothing more than to speak with Jim, but he really couldn't stand Pitts' voice at the moment.

He was half tempted to avoid meeting with Pitts and go Jim hunting or even Spock hunting, but that would not end well. Pitts would have his head, which he thought he deserved. He deserved every punishment known to man for the horrible things he did to Jim. _"You don't deserve pity,"_ he told himself. _"So just stop it."_ He knew feeling guilty wasn't a good enough punishment. He needed to stop feeling guilty and do something. Actions spoke louder than words.

McCoy took a deep breath as he walked. He could hear many voices talking but didn't recognize anyone of them to his disappointment. He was hoping he knew one of the voices so he would be spared from his thoughts. Shaking his head, he reached into his pants pockets and pulled out a folded picture. It was an old photo from his cadet days with Jim. _"Those were the easy days,"_ he told himself as he stared at the pic.

Both he and Jim were wearing their red cadet uniforms and had huge smiles on their faces. Their hair and uniforms, which was not buttoned correctly, were a mess, but they didn't care. When the picture had been taken, they were drunk out of their minds and had no idea which way was up. They had just come from a party that to this day McCoy had no idea of who had thrown it. Jim had dragged him there and filled him up with so many drinks that he had lost track. Somehow Jim was still able to talk unlike himself who so drunk he couldn't say a word.

_"I miss those days,"_ McCoy told himself. He didn't have a worry in the world, and he had his best friend. Now, he was too afraid to trust his judgment and he had lost his best friend. _"_ I'm an idiot." Ever since he had turned his back on his friend, he hadn't been able to smile and lost a piece of himself that he would never get back.

Shaking his head, he pocketed the picture, and made his way to Pitts' quarters. As he was distracted, he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. He had some near misses and had a few people yell at him but he didn't notice as he was still trapped in his mind. It wasn't until he collided with someone that he realized that his mind was drifting. "Sorry," McCoy muttered as he looked up. He vaguely recognized the Dalenien, but he couldn't remember from where.

"You should watch where you are going. Though I guess, I should not expect more from a Starfleet officer," the Dalenien stated as he strengthen out his robes.

Knowing he should just let it go, he couldn't. He was proud to be in Starfleet even if he complained about it all the time. "Excuse me?" he asked, hoping the Dalenien would give him a name to call him when he yelled at him.

The Dalenien took a long look at him. "Starfleet and the Federation are simple minded fools, who do not understand the universe does not rotate around them."

The Dalenien's arms were folded behind his back, which reminded McCoy of a certain Vulcan; however, Spock had more sense than this one. "You're at a Federation event," McCoy stated, trying to point out that he was an idiot. As the alien turned, McCoy noticed the symbol on this shirt. "Dalenien," he stated, becoming angry. Though he doubted this was the one who raped his best friend…ex-best friend, he was a part of the world that did. He didn't know about anything about the rape and that killed him. He didn't know what Jim went through.

"My name is Seleen and I am a member of Dalenius' high council," he stated proudly. There was a smile on his face that creeped McCoy out.

The name was familiar to him, but his mind was too clouded to think straight. "Why are you here if you don't believe in what the Federation is doing?" he asked.

Seleen glared at him. "I do not need to explain myself to a lowly Starfleet officer."

"Lowly Starfleet Officer?" McCoy was ready to snap. "I'm the Chief Medical Officer on the _Enterprise._ I am not lowly." He raised his eyebrow as he noticed Seleen looking at him oddly. "Did I say some interesting?" he asked, not believing the Dalenien found anything that he said to be interesting.

"I find it fascinating that you, with your lack of manners, are serving on the Enterprise under James Kirk."

McCoy narrowed his ears. "Lack of manners?" He took a deep breath to calm himself. "And Jim is not the Captain of the Enterprise anymore." He didn't like how he stated Jim's name.

Seleen stared at him. "I suppose he is not, but he was and still is a good Captain. James is a proper man unlike you."

McCoy was not pleased with how he was talking about Jim. It didn't feel right. "I don't have to stay here and listen to you."

"And I do not want to waste my time speaking with you. I have to find my son," he said as he looked McCoy over again.

McCoy didn't say anything as Seleen disappeared down the hall to his joy. The Dalenien was insane, and he knew he should probably tell someone about him. He grumbled as he realized it wouldn't be good if he campaigned against the Federation.

The Doctor slowly made his way to Captain Pitts' room as he thought about the asshole Seleen. When the Enterprise was in orbit around Dalenius, he had been stuck on the ship the whole time and hadn't met a Dalenien in person. When Jim went planetside, both he and Spock were left on the ship against their advice as the Captain met with the officials. Knowing what he knew now, they were correct because when Jim came back, everything went to hell. _"How could I have been so stupid?"_ he asked himself as he flashed back the day. He hated that memory.

_When he heard Jim was coming back to the ship, he almost ran to the transporter room, because Jim gave him a heart attack whenever he went planetside. That man didn't know how not to get hurt. He had lost count how many times Jim was injured on a mission, and it annoyed him that Jim was so careless about his life. He had a whole damn ship counting on him. He couldn't be this damn selfish, not that Jim saw it as selfish._

_As McCoy arrived at the transporter room, he noticed Scotty and a few other red shirts leaving. "Jim must have arrived already," he thought to himself. Granted, he might have missed Jim because the Captain was usually the first one to leave a room._

_The last person to leave the room was the Admiral, who sent him a smile. "Captain Kirk's still in there but he asked to be left alone."_

_"Why?" McCoy asked. Jim only asked to be left alone when something was wrong and he knew something happened. The officers that went down with Jim had come back a few days ago, saying they were ordered back to the ship and they weren't given a reason why. Knowing something had to have happened, he and Spock were going to beam down, but Jim ordered them to stay on the ship. McCoy wasn't going to listen but the Admiral stated it was vital they stay onboard, giving the reason that the talks had become tense between them and the Daleniens. No one would tell them what had caused that._

_The Admiral took a deep breath. "That's a question better left for Jim to answer."_

_When he said Jim's name, an alert went off in his head. The Admiral didn't call Jim anything but Captain Kirk. "Okay," he said as he nodded. He could feel the Admiral's eyes on his back as he entered the transporter room. "Jim," he called looking around the room. He didn't notice Jim until Jim answered back._

_"Bones," he replied, softly. He was sitting in the corner of the room behind the control panel._

_McCoy could feel in his bones that something wasn't right. Something was very wrong as Jim didn't sit this quietly._

Closing his eyes, McCoy took a deep breath as he tried to shake that memory. He was right that day; something was very wrong. He now knew what it was and it broke him that he didn't notice it back then. Jim had showed all the signs but he looked right passed them as his anger had taken control. _"Jim, I am so sorry,"_ he told himself.

_He had gotten down on his knees so he could look Jim in the eyes. "Tell me what happened?" He looked around the room. "Where's Spock?" He asked himself. There was no way Spock would leave him like this, even if he was an emotionless pointy ear bastard. He still did not understand how those two got together._

_"Nothing happened, Bones." He turned away from his best friend._

_Though he hated that nickname, Jim had a special way of saying it, which made his heart melt a little. Granted, if anyone else would to say it, he would hypo them to death. "Bull shit," he said. "I know you."_

_Closing his eyes, Jim pushed himself up and took a few steps away from McCoy. "I don't want to talk about, Bones."_

_Again, his tone worried him. "Why isn't Spock here?" he asked as he eyed him._ _"Wait? What's that?" he asked himself as he noticed some strange coloring on his arm._

_Jim turned toward him. "I ordered him to stay on the Bridge. It's where he's needed."_

_It was clear he was trying to dodge his questions. "What happened? Did the Dalenians attack you?" As he eyed his best friend, he noticed a few other bruises on him._

_Shaking his head, he walked into the transporter as if waiting to be beamed down. "They did not attack us."_

_"Tell me what happen then?" McCoy asked annoyed._

_"Don't worry about it, Bones," Jim stated. His back was facing him._

_"Don't worry about it? Don't worry about it?" he repeated, showing his annoyance. "You're my best friend. I'm going to worry about you." Something happened and it was clear that Jim didn't want Spock to know about it. "No, Jim you didn't,"_ _he thought to himself. He had seen bruises like that before on Jim; on the nights before he got with Spock, Jim came to him bruised from his wild nights. "You slept with someone down there, didn't you?" he asked, pissed. "You messed with some Councilmember kid, didn't you? Are you stupid? What about Spock? What about our assignment? Don't you care about anyone besides yourself?" He took a breath. "I'm sick of cleaning your messes."_

McCoy shook his head as he was pissed with himself. How could he be so stupid? How could he not see his best friend was hurting? He was the stupid one that day and he wished he could take everything he said back. He took a deep breath as he tried to clear his mind. His mind couldn't be distracted when he was speaking with Captain Pitts as that man could eat him alive…not that he didn't deserve it.

However, he couldn't get Jim's face out of his mind, but at that moment, he couldn't give a fuck. He thought Jim didn't care about anyone but himself and he was sick of cleaning up after Jim's messes.

_Jim turned with wide eyes and stared at him. He was breathing heavy. "Fuck you, Doctor McCoy," Jim stated, switching to a formal tone. Though Jim was pissed, his tone gave his shakiness away. "I never asked you to fix my messes. I can fix my own problems," he yelled, as he pulled down on this sleeves. "I don't need you or anyone."_

_"You couldn't tie your shoes let alone command a ship without help. You're a child," McCoy snapped. "Did you think what this would do to Spock? I don't like the asshole, but he doesn't deserve this."_

_Jim took a few steps toward him. "You should remember who the hell you're speaking to Doctor McCoy. I'm the Captain of this ship."_

_Though Jim was angry at him, he could read the fear in his eyes. Jim was scared and that alerted McCoy but he was too irritated to care. "I don't think you deserve that title." The second he said that was the second McCoy had regarded it, but he wasn't going to take it back._

_A pissed off Captain stormed into McCoy's face. "I think you better watch your tone, McCoy, or you might end up in the brig." His hands were shaking at his side._

McCoy had to stop and gasped, because it was getting hard to breathe. Knowing what he knew now, he felt sick to his stomach. He had seen that Jim was in pain and he did nothing. Instead, he attacked his friend.

_"Abusing your power?" McCoy snapped._

_Jim grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall without much effort. Jim could usually take McCoy in a fight. "You have some nerve," he hissed. "I run this ship as a captain should, not how you want. I think you forget that you're a doctor. You didn't go through what I just went through down there for this ship, so shut your fucking mouth, or help me God; I will throw you in the brig and never let you out." He shoved McCoy away and walked back to the transporter pad._

_"You think cheating on your First Officer is a part of the job? You're insane," he stated as he turned to the door._

_"You don't know what you are talking about," Jim stated softly._

_McCoy wasn't expecting such a soft weak tone from him, and he glanced at Jim. He thought he was seeing things when he saw a tear ran down Jim's face._ If he thinks he can fool me with that, he's stupider than I thought, _he thought. "Don't expect me to clean your messes anymore, Captain."_

_"Trust me, I wouldn't call you even if you were the last person in the universe," Jim shoot back._

_"Maybe, you won't need me," McCoy replied. "But don't come crying to me when Spock dumps your ass."_

_"Going to tell him, tattletale?" Jim asked._

_Again, McCoy could hear the fear in his voice, and that pissed him off. If he didn't want Spock to leave, then he shouldn't have cheated on him. "I don't need to tell him. That robot will find out on his own."_

Closing his eyes, McCoy took a deep breath. It did no good for him to be stuck in the past, thinking of all the ways he had been wrong. He needed to fix things now. Shaking his head, he got back on his way.

As he turned a corner, he saw Admiral Pike and Admiral Komack coming down the hallway. It worried him that they looked they were in a hurry. "Is there something going on?" he asked as he reached them. The look in Pike's eyes scared the shit out of him.

"Have you seen Captain Kirk?" Admiral Komack asked as he glanced over the doctor.

"No, I haven't. Why?" McCoy was very worried. "Is he missing?"

Pike took a deep breath. "We don't know if he's missing, but there's something important we need to speak to him about."

McCoy knew something was going on, but he knew they wouldn't tell him. If the stink eye that Pike was giving him was any clue, Jim must have told the older man everything including what happened during his last days on the Enterprise. "No, I haven't seen him."

"I thought you two were close?" Komack stated, "I hardly ever saw you two apart while you both were in the Academy."

It was clear Komack wasn't aware about how he had acted during Jim's last days on the _Enterprise_ , which was a blessing. He didn't know what he would do if everyone knew he was a shitty friend.

Pike turned to Komack and gave him a look. "Kirk told him nothing, not that I blame him." Komack turned to Pike and gave him a questioning look, which McCoy didn't like. He knew it would be stupid to say something.

"Let's just find Seleen," Komack said.

Seleen's name brought up irritation. "Why do you want to find him? He's an asshole," McCoy stated. "You know that he isn't a fan of the Federation? I believe he called us simple minded fools."

Pike rubbed his temple. "Where did you see him?" he asked. It was clear he was annoyed but he made no mention of it.

McCoy glanced down the hallway. "Down one of these corridors," he stated. "He said something about looking for his son, who's probably just as big of an ass as him."

"His son?" Pike asked. "Did he say Salean?"

"I don't know. He didn't mention a name." McCoy didn't know who this son was, but he didn't like the expression on the Admiral's face. Something was very off. "Someone tell me something. I'm a doctor, not a psychic."

Komack glanced at Pike. "Seleen only has one son, doesn't he?"

Pike ran his hair through his hair. "Yes, I think. FUCK," he cursed.

"Who is this Salean?" McCoy asked. It wasn't a good sign when two Admirals were worried.

Komack immediately issued an order. "Pike, go alert security and have them search for Seleen and his _beloved son_. We need to find this son of a bitch before he finds Kirk, if it isn't already too late."

McCoy's heart started to pound as he came to a sickling realization. "Salean is the bastard that raped Jim, isn't he?"

Pike, who had turned to leave, looked back toward McCoy. "Yes," he answered.

Komack looked between the two. "I thought you didn't know."

"I found out on my own," McCoy answered, not wanting to get anyone in trouble. He wasn't sure if Selek was sworn to secretly or something. "Besides, we have other things to worry about. We have to find Jim," he stated. Jim's name on his tongue felt weird as if he had no right to say it.

"Pike, get going. I'm going to take Doctor McCoy with me," Komack stated, starting at the doctor. Pike nodded before disappearing down the hallway, leaving Komack and McCoy alone. "Let's talk to Deon Council."


	16. Memories of the Broken

Jim was on the edge of unconsciousness and fighting to stay awake. He knew if allowed himself to fall asleep, he might not wake up. In the back of his mind, he wasn't sure if he could win this fight. His head felt like it was on fire, and the pain was almost too much to bear. Jim couldn't think straight or even open his eyes as he was experiencing flashes of pain nearly every ten seconds. He tried to take deep breaths between the waves of pain, only to have pain shoot through his side each time he did. He knew his ribs were broken from the beating he had gone through.

He wanted to curl up in a ball and ride the pain out, but he couldn't move. His feet barely touched the ground so all he could do was hang in that spot. The only good thing about his pain was that it nearly distracted him from the overwhelming heat. It was so warm that he felt like he was going to puke, but there was nothing in his stomach to throw up. His only comfort was the cold sticky liquid that was running down his face, which was probably blood. If he had been thinking clearly, he might have been worried about his head injury. However, in his current state, he wasn't able to feel that emotion.

At that moment, a flash of pain flew though him, and he unconsciously yanked on his hands. His arms refused to budge. His wrists were raw and started to bleed at the sudden movement. If he could have yelled out in pain, he'd be screaming, but for now, he could only moan.

His numb hands were bound high above his head in a painful backward angle. If the coldness and stiffness of the bindings were a clue, his shackles were made of a metal chain that wouldn't break even if he had Vulcan strength. He let out a groan as he rode out the pain. It was the pain that kept him somewhat conscious. He wanted to stay awake, but as the pain increased he began to regret that desire.

His head bobbed as he tried to open his eyes, only managing to keep them open for a second. As his body was failing him, his mind, which wasn't functioning at 100% to begin with, followed. It was silently crying for sleep. His head started to throb worse than before, and he let out another excruciating moan.

He tried to pick up his head again when something, most likely a door, made a loud screech. It startled him, causing his head to fall. His face twisted in pain. Jim did his best to ignore it as he heard someone moving in the room. Listening hard, he could tell there were two sets of feet, but he couldn't process what that meant. They were talking, but Jim couldn't figure out what they were saying as more pain ran through his body. His vision was hazy, only allowing him to see fuzzy shapes. Jim flinched as one of the beings grabbed his head, forced it up, and shined a bright light in his face.

Unable to fight the alien (he could tell from the cold, fat, slimy hands), his head was forced to the side, revealing his neck. Jim let out a moaning curse as the alien hypoed him with something. He would have cursed at the alien but he became grateful as the pain started to slowly go away. He still couldn't move but his mental functions were coming back.

"This human needs a hospital. There is only so much I can do here," the alien who hypoed him said. His cold disgusting hands were still gripping Jim's face.

The other alien walked closer. "I am sure you are aware I cannot do that. If I was able to do that, I would not have called you in the first place," he sneered. His voice was familiar, but Jim couldn't figure out why, only that his body trembled at the sound of it. "You are a doctor. Fix him."

The Doctor let go of Jim's face, which fall hard without anyone to hold it up. Jim still did not have any strength. "That may be the case, but my area of expertise is not in human biology. I do not want to give him anything that can kill him. I assume you want him alive." His voice wasn't soft.

"I do."

"Then find another doctor," he hissed.

Jim shifted in pain, and it was noticed by both of them. This time however, the Doctor didn't give him another hypo, and the other one didn't move.

The other alien took a few steps toward them. "If there had been another, I would not have chosen you. Fix him or I shall not pay you. He needs to be healthy enough for the trip home."

The Doctor took a deep breath as he stepped away from Jim. There was a loud thud as something was dropped. Jim could hear him rummaging through something that he guessed was a bag. "Not enough. He is injured more than you led me to believe."

"I can pay you more."

"I do not think you can pay me enough," the Doctor stated. "I know who he is. Helping you to kidnap James Kirk will put me on their radar. I do not want to make an enemy of the Federation, especially not now."

Jim flinched as his face was grabbed again. He could tell the rough hands didn't belong to the Doctor. "Fix him," the mad alien stated as he ran his thumb across Jim's lips, making him feel nauseated.

"His current state is your fault. Your man should have been more careful with how he treated your beloved human."

Jim would have fought and argued with him if he had the strength, as he did not belong to anyone. That was the one thing he wouldn't give up, even if his life was on the line. He wanted to protest but his body didn't respond to his brain. Instead, it just shook in pain.

"My man has been dealt with in the most painful of ways, and he has learned never to hurt my James again." The alien noticed Jim's pain and brought his lips to Jim's ear, which made him flinch. "It's okay. Everything will be okay," he stated, softly. He ran his hand through Jim's messy dirty blond hair. "I will have to give you a bath when we get home." Jim moaned again. "Fix him," he sneered again at the sound of Jim's pain.

However, the Doctor did not move. "Pay me more and pay me now."

"Okay." The hand let go and released Jim, causing his head to drop. "I will pay you half now and the other half later, but you will fix my James."

Again, Jim did not like to be referred to as belonging to anyone, alien or otherwise, even if he still couldn't identify the stranger. Yes, there was something familiar about the voice, but he couldn't for the life of him remember where he had heard it.

"Very well, but if Starfleet comes looking for the Captain, I will not take the fall for you," the Doctor stated.

"By the time the Federation realizes that he is missing, we will be far away," the alien answered as he stepped away.

Before Jim could realize what was happening, his head was forced to the side to reveal his neck again. "S-stop," he moaned. His throat hurt and at first he didn't realize that he had spoken any words.

The Doctor froze and it seemed he was unsure if he wanted to continue. "Just do it Doctor," the angry alien ordered.

"Okay," the Doctor responded just before stabbing Jim again in the neck. It didn't take long for Jim to pass out, yet in that one second before he lost consciousness, he could only feel terror.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

_"Kirk to Scotty!" Jim yelled into his communicator, which didn't seem to be working. He had been running for a while now as he tried to put some distance between himself and the natives, who were trying to kill him for some odd reason. This seemed like a common thing for Jim, who was always running from something or another. It was really annoying._

_Jim knew they would soon overtake him as they had more stamina and could keep up running longer than he could. "Kirk to Scotty! Beam me up! Can you hear me?" he asked again. Again, there was no answer. "FUCK," he yelled as he turned back to look. The natives were catching up with him._

_Shaking his head, Jim forced himself forward as he zigzagged to dodge the weapons that were being thrown at him. "Where is Spock when you need him?" he muttered, breathing heavy. It was getting harder and harder to up with his pace. "Kirk to Spock!" he yelled, putting his communicator to his lips. There was still no answer. "Is anyone there? Can someone beam me up?" Jim was getting exasperated._

_Spock, himself, plus a few science officers, had beamed down to study an unexplored planet's water supply as it had some strange healing properties. It was going well before the natives attacked, which was surprising as their scans hadn't pick up any life-forms other than plants, trees, and a few small animals. As they were outnumbered, the officers of the Enterprise had decided it was best to run than fight. Early in the chase, Jim was separated from the rest of them, which may have been on purpose. He had noticed that they were more interested in him than the rest of the crew for some weird reason. Making the logical choice (not that Spock would agree), Jim took off in the opposite direction._

_Now he was really regretting it. Five minutes in, he had fallen straight on his face and dropped his communicator. It hadn't been working since, and without it, he knew his chances would be small for the Enterprise to find him. "Idiot," he muttered. He really needed to find a way to superglue the communicator to his uniform. "Kirk to Enterprise," he tried again. "Someone, please answer."_

_Jim looked back and regretted that as well, because the second he turned his head, a spear flew by his face. Even though it barely touched him, it sliced a long cut into his cheek. The force of the spear sent him rolling down the hill out of control. During the tumble, he reached for anything to grab onto, and after thirty feet, Jim was able to stop himself just before he was about to go over the cliff by grabbing onto a purple tree root._

_"Fuck," he moaned in pain._

_Still feeling a bit dizzy and wobbly, it took him a few tries to get up, but just as he got to his feet, he was violently tackled back to the ground. One of the aliens that had been chasing him had finally caught up to him and with its own strength, had pinned him to the ground without any effort. Instead of punching him like Jim was expecting, the alien was staring him straight in the eyes. Every time Jim tried to look away, the alien forced his head back._

_"I know I'm pretty but this is ridiculous," Jim said._

_The alien muttered something back at him in a language that Jim couldn't even begin to understand; however, he knew the alien was angry by its tone. Jim also knew the alien was angry by the fact that it had raised up one of its arms above its head, readying itself to strike him. Jim closed his eyes waiting for the blow, but it never came. He waited a second before opening his eyes, and to his joy, he saw Spock, who had the alien pinned against what looked like a purple tree._

_"Spock. It's you," he stated with a smile._

_His First Officer turned to face Jim after he had knocked the alien out. "Clearly." There was a pause. "I would not leave my commanding officer."_

_It took Jim a few attempts to get to his feet. "How are my officers?" he asked. He had to make sure they were alright before anything else. They were his top priority._

_Spock looked him over. "You are hurt."_

_Jim exhaled in annoyance. Leave it to him to point out the obvious, he thought. "Aren't you supposed to ask me if I'm hurt and not tell me I'm hurt?" he teased. "And how are my science officers?" He limped over to Spock before dropping to his knees to look over the alien, who looked peaceful when unconsciousness._

_"If I were to ask you, Captain, you would have denied it, therefore it would have been illogical to have asked. In addition it is clearly visible that you are hurt," he stated as he flipped open his communicator. "The crew is safe on board the Enterprise."_

_He turned to Spock only to receive the famous Vulcan glare. At first Jim thought the look was funny, now it was annoying as hell to get all the time. It seemed that Spock only reserved that look for him. "I'm fine."_

_"Fine is not acceptable," he stated, before speaking into the communicator. "Spock to Enterprise." There was a pause. "Two to beam up. I have found the Captain."_

_(O)O(O)_

_"I'm fine," Jim stated as McCoy checked him over. "You guys, worry too much." He tried to wave off his best friend, but McCoy just glared at him. "C'mon, Bones."_

_"Don't c'mon me, Jim," McCoy stated as he turned away from him. "You had us all scared with that stunt you pulled. Why on the earth would you go running off by yourself? It took us hours to find you." With his back to Jim, he checked his medical equipment as he spoke._

_"I thought it was for the best," Jim stated as he hopped to his feet. He did feel bad for worrying Bones, but he had to do what he had to do. "I will always put my crew before myself."_

_McCoy took a deep breath as he turned back to face his friend. "I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because I don't."_

_Jim smiled. "Oh I know." As he walked by the doctor, he grasped Bones on the shoulder. "You tell me every day." He was surprised that Bones had let him off so easy. He expected a lecture or rather a big lecture. "Is that all, Dad?" he teased. Though McCoy's nagging could get annoying at times, he never wanted to go without it._

_"From me, yes, but from Commander Spock, no." There was a smile on McCoy's face that Jim didn't like. It was evil and when he was evil, Jim knew it was best to hide. "He seems mad, well for a Vulcan anyways."_

_"No, really?" Jim moaned. He knew he had gotten off too easy on the planet. "He knows me. He knows this is what I do!" He rubbed his temples as he tried to think. He had tried hiding from Spock, but the Vulcan could find him anywhere. It was as if he was trying to annoy Jim though he wouldn't put it pass Spock to do that. "Does he have more important things to worry about? Like his girlfriend? I think Uhura is going to get jealous if Spock keeps following me."_

_Bones stared at him without saying anything._

_"What is with that face?" Jim asked as he pulled his gold command shirt over his head._

_"They broke up a few weeks ago." He paused. "Maybe further back than that."_

_"Why didn't I know this?" he asked, straightening his shirt. Though Jim really didn't care about the relationships between his crew unless it was a danger to the ship, he had prided himself on the fact that he knew them. There were really too many people onboard the Enterprise to know personally, yet he still wanted to try. "How do you know and not me?" He had thought that he was friends with the both of them._

_"Uhura said something about it in the mess hall. We all know the Robot wouldn't."_

_Jim exhaled. "Yeah, but you think I would have noticed."_

_"Not with those two."_

_"I guess," he muttered as he pushed back the privacy curtains. "I still wish someone would have told me. Why didn't you tell me?" Jim racked through all of his memories of Spock from the last few weeks, but nothing seemed off with his First Officer, who had been his shadow for that period of time._

_"It really wasn't my business. Uhura just mentioned her lack of a love life to another female crew member, and I just happened to be in the room." McCoy shrugged. "So I just let it go."_

_Jim felt a little better hearing that. "Let's go get something to eat," he stated as he rubbed his stomach._

_"I'm game," McCoy replied with a smile. "Just let me put this stuff away." Jim nodded as McCoy disappeared behind the curtains. It was at that exact moment that a certain First Officer walked in with a sour look on his face, though the Vulcan would never admit it._

_"Hey, Spock," Jim loudly greeted. He hoped if he said it loud enough, McCoy would come to save him, but doubted that when he heard a snort from behind the curtains…. Nope, he wasn't going to save this time._

_"I wish to speak with you about your risky behavior, Captain," Spock replied. He stood very still as he eyed Jim._

_"Well, can this wait, Commander?" Jim asked, pulling out the titles. If Spock could do it, he would too. "Doctor McCoy and I were going to get something to eat. Right?" he asked as he looked back. He could see Bones' silhouette through the curtain._

_"I don't know what you are talking about, Captain," McCoy responded, holding back his chuckle. "I have reports to file."_

_Jim's eye twitched. "Traitor!" he yelled back. He was going to get McCoy back and he was going to get him back good. He wouldn't know what hit him._

_"Doctor McCoy is not a traitor," Spock replied, still eyeing him with that Vulcan glare. "Though the doctor is highly illogical and senseless at times, I do not believe he would be disloyal to you."_

_"I was teasing him," Jim sighed. He really couldn't joke with Spock around; he took all the fun out of it._

_McCoy popped his head out. "Only you would insult someone to compliment someone, pointy eared bastard." He shook his head as he disappeared again._

_Spock eyed McCoy's shadow. "My parents were married at the time of-"_

_"Spock!" Jim loudly interrupted. He did not want that image in his head. "Again, it's just teasing." It was so much work to talk with Spock, and it made his head hurt at times. At this point, he would rather hear a lecture._

_Turning back to Jim, Spock's eyebrow rose. "How illogical."_

_Rubbing his head again, Jim took a deep breath. "You sure like that word." He knew he was going to regret this, but he might as well just get this over with. "You wanted to talk about my heroism?" Jim was quite proud of his actions._

_"Heroism?" Spock questioned. "I would not call it that. Your constant risk taking is rash and pure foolishness. Your death would not suit anyone, as it will only put this ship in danger. Your safety is top priority, above everything else."_

_Jim was never good at keeping his anger under control, and right now, Spock was pushing all of the right buttons. "No, Commander, it isn't." He took a pause to calm down. "My life means nothing compared to my crew."_

_"Incorrect, Captain," Spock replied, bringing out the titles like he always did. "If you were to die, do you know what would become of this ship and her crew?"_

_"Yeah, you take over as captain. Is that so bad?" Jim avoided looking at Spock when he said that. There was still a part of him that wondered if Spock was more qualified for the job than he was. "Well unless you kill them with logic and regulations." He chuckled as Spock's eyebrow rose again._

_"Erroneous as neither logic nor regulations can kill," Spock replied. "However, you are better suited to be the Captain than I, C-Jim." There was long pause. "You are more important than you believe."_

_Jim stood, speechless, as he never expected Spock to say anything like that. One, Spock just referred to him as Jim in a lecture, which he had never done before, and two, he had just given him a compliment. It took Jim a few seconds to collect himself. "I understand where you're coming from, but I will never put my life before anyone else on this ship." He took a deep breath. He knew he should have just said okay and ended it there, but something inside wouldn't let him. He wasn't the type to back down from an argument. "Will you just let it go?"_

_"I will not," Spock replied. "I will continue to speak until you listen."_

_Jim took another deep breath. "Don't you have someone else to bug?" he asked annoyed. "Like Lt. Uhura?" He knew he shouldn't have brought her up after what McCoy had said. "She was your girlfriend and all. I'm sure she was jealous of all the attention you give me." He felt a little bad for saying that. "Maybe that's why that relationship ended."_

_Spock's tone suddenly changed. "That is none of your concern, Captain."_

_"That's where you're wrong. If your breakup with her interferes with this ship, it is my problem." Jim knew he should have dropped the argument, but he wasn't going to let Spock win this one._

_His First Officer didn't ask how he knew. "It will not, Captain." He stared down Jim. "You should worry about more important things like your health." With that, he turned and walked out of the Medical bay._

_Jim exhaled as McCoy came out from behind the curtains. "You're an asshole at times."_

_"I know." He felt awful and was determined to clear the air between himself and his First Officer._

* * *

_Jim took a deep breath as stared at all the 'paper work' he had to do. If he knew he had to do all of this when he first signed up for Starfleet, he wouldn't have accepted Pike's offer, until he really thought about it. He loved this job and would do anything for his crew and his ship, including giving up his life. It was a fact that neither Spock nor McCoy liked, but they respected it._

_He leaned back in his chair as he closed his eyes. He had lost track of how long he had been sitting still, but he realized it had been a long time as his stomach was growling loudly. His yeoman had tried to get him eat, but he sent her away as he wanted to get his work finished before he ate._

_He didn't know why he waited so long to do it but was going to finish every bit of it. If he didn't, it wouldn't be pretty as his First Officer would have his head. To top it off, they hadn't truly gotten over their argument in the Medical bay a few weeks ago. Yes, Spock had told him there was no apology needed, but Jim didn't know if he could believe that. However, if he let it go, Jim would as well._

_As he signed another form, the door to his quarters opened. Taking a deep breath, Jim looked up to see Spock and inwardly groaned. Though Spock would never say it, Jim expected an 'I told you so,' which usually came in the form of a look, but he didn't see that. "I know. I know. I should have this done already," Jim stated._

_"Jim," Spock called._

_It was always a bit scary when Spock called him by his first name. He didn't know what to make of it. Though Jim would like to think of them as friends, he wasn't sure if Spock did. "Yes, Spock," he answered as he looked up. It took a few blinks to figure out what Spock was holding. Somehow, he was able to balance two trays of food and a box containing a chess set. "I take it one of those is for me."_

_"Affirmative," Spock replied. Jim watched as Spock carefully put one tray down in front of him and the other one across the desk. He set the chess set on the far end of the table._

_"And you're eating with me?" Jim asked, not sure what to think about Spock's actions, but was willing to go along with them._

_"It is the only way that I can ensure that you will eat. You will not send me away as you did the yeoman," he stated as he took a seat across from him. "You are a child at times."_

_"And you are my babysitter?" Jim teased. "I don't know how I feel about that."_

_"If I have to be, then I shall be."_

_Jim took a deep breath. "And the chess set?" He pointed to it._

_"Chess teaches how to strategize and how to think rationally. You will benefit from this."_

_He inwardly groaned, because there was no way that he could win against Spock. One, he had never played against someone of Spock's skill, and two, he didn't think he could be patient enough to finish the game. "Is this some kind of punishment?" He would need to work on his paper work first._

_"This is no punishment."_

_Jim took a deep breath as he looked into Spock's eyes. "Alright," Jim stated, giving in. "But no making fun of me when you kill me." As he stated that, the look in Spock's eyes surprised him._

_"I will not and the game will not hurt you, Jim," he said, softly. "I promise."_

_Spock's tone and words had surprised him, and he didn't know what to make of it. "It was a joke."_

_"All the same."_

_"Um, thanks," he responded. What else could he say to that?_

* * *

_Jim leaned over the counter and stared at his reflection in the mirror, as he wore only a towel. He had a bit of an ego, and he didn't have an issue with admitting to how awesome he felt. He could admit that he was hot without going overboard, and he knew he was very sexy man, who could have any woman (or man) he wanted. He was also very intelligent with the best plans ever, yet if you were to ask certain members of the crew, they wouldn't agree. Some people thought he needed to get a reality check or at least some logic. He took a deep breath as he wondered if anyone noticed that his ego was just a shield._

_Shaking off that thought, Jim walked out of the quarters as he did have a shift to get really for in a few hours. "Good thing about a uniform is that I don't need to worry about what I'm going to wear," he muttered to himself. As he laid out his clothes, this door buzzed, signaling that someone was at his door. "It's open," he stated, having a bad habit of not locking his door. What was the point of that on a Starship?_

_McCoy came into the room a second later. "Geez, man, put some clothes on! No one wants to see that."_

_Jim let out a laugh. "C'mon, you know everyone does." He took a few feet back to lean against the wall, which felt cold against his bare back. "So is there something you wanted to talk about?"_

_"Maybe we can talk after you get dressed."_

_"Oh, you don't want to see it?" Jim winked as he placed his hands on his towel._

_"Jim, you're a child," he stated with annoyance present in his voice. He shifted uncomfortably._

_"I-" Jim started in protest, but he was interrupted by the doors of his quarters opening to reveal his First Officer. Wait what? He thought as he saw Spock's face. Was it him or was there a green blush to it? "Hey, Spock."_

_It took a few seconds for Spock to respond, "I came to speak with you about a certain matter in private, Jim." There was a pause. "I can come back later if I have interrupted an intimate moment." His tone slightly changed as he eyed Jim's chest._

_It was the fact that he had called him by his first name that startled him. It had to be important. "Intimate?" he choked out._

_McCoy let out a high pitched laugh. "No way in hell."_

_"Then why are you in a state of undress with Doctor McCoy in the room?" he asked, eyeing McCoy. "If you are in need of a medical treatment, it would be better serviced in the Medical bay."_

_"Ouch, Bones," Jim said, getting over his shock. He ignored Spock's statement as he really had no interest in answering it. "I have a sexy body. You don't know what you're missing."_

_The doctor shook his head. "I have seen you naked countless times, Jim, and you have nothing that I want."_

_"Geez, Bones, I-" Jim started._

_Spock stepped forward. "It is highly inappropriate for you to be in the Captain's quarters at this time. It would be best if you left as this is not a medical emergency."_

_Jim stood there speechless, not at all sure what to say to that. His First Officer had been acting weird for a while now. At first he thought he was imagining it. Now he knew that he wasn't._

_McCoy stared at Spock with his mouth wide open. "Excuse me, Commander Spock? What did you say?" He paused. "What the hell is up your ass?"_

_"I am trying to respect Jim's privacy," Spock stated, as he took a few steps to put himself between Jim and McCoy. This did not going unnoticed by either of them._

_"I have seen Jim naked numerous times. I've seen scars that you don't know about." McCoy did his best to stare down Spock, but it was hard to stare down a Vulcan. "Like the scar under his-"_

_"Hey!" Jim yelled. "He doesn't need to know about that." He had a lot of scars under things and each one had a story that he didn't want anyone to know about. "Let me get dressed and that will solve everything." Jim shook his head as he took his clothes into the restroom to change. As the door closed behind him, he wondered what the hell he was going to do with them. After he put on his blacks, he walked back into his quarters and noticed that Spock was gone. "Where did Spock go?"_

_McCoy exhaled. "After you went to get dressed, he left without a word. Strange, but heck, he's gone." There was a small smile on his face. "He's going batshit crazy."_

_Jim blew out the breath that he was holding, because he agreed with McCoy. "You really shouldn't egg him on."_

_"That wasn't egging. You've seen me egg people before." McCoy's smile turned semi creepy. "Besides, he's in love, which is why he's going crazy. The whole Vulcan emotion thing."_

_Jim narrowed his eyes. "I thought he and Uhura broke up?"_

_"They did. I wasn't taking about her. He's in love with you." McCoy revealed with a laugh._

_It took Jim a few second to realize what McCoy had said. "Bullshit," he replied, because that was the only thing he could come up with. Why in the hell would Spock be in love with him? He could barely admit that they were friends._

_"That was the same thing I said when Uhura brought it up, but after seeing him react to you being naked in front of me, I think she's right."_

_Again, he wasn't sure what to say. "Since when did you start talking to Uhura? And you both need help if you think the emotionless robot loves me." It didn't make any sense to him. Why would Spock love him of all people? All he did was lecture him and treat him like child. He thought Jim was the most illogical person in the universe._

_"Think about it. Look at how pissed he got when I was in here with you when you were only wearing a towel," McCoy stated. "He stepped in front of me to block my view of you for crying out loud. He almost ripped my head off, Jim."_

_Jim didn't know why this idea was so strange to him, because he had noticed that Spock was acting weird. Spock had always protested his ideas, but recently, he had started to check up on him. Jim couldn't go anywhere without Spock knowing. He couldn't deal with the Vulcan's over protectiveness because he didn't need anyone, though both McCoy and Spock would disagree. He took a deep breath. "I don't know, Bones."_

_"I hear he has been coming to your quarters more than usual, Jim."_

_That was true, but Jim still didn't want to believe that Spock was in love with him. "He just wants to make sure I eat because you know I don't eat all the time." He shook his head. "And… we talk while we play chess." It still surprised him that Spock was willing to talk to him while they were off duty rather than just during a shift or a mission._

_"And you can't tell me that you two aren't closer now than a few months ago?" McCoy asked. "Everyone can see that you two are working better together even through the many fights."_

_This was becoming too much for Jim, and he had to sit down._

_"Why is this so hard for you? I know I don't like him, but he isn't that horrible." McCoy looked annoyed. "Look at what you made me admit. I can't believe I just said the hobgoblin isn't that horrible."_

_"It isn't that." Jim took a deep breath. "It just makes working with him awkward." He paused as he thought about everything that was revealed to him and what could happen from it._

_"I can't believe I'm saying this, but… how bad could a relationship with him be? Well besides the fact that he is an emotionless robot," McCoy stated. He took a few steps toward his friend and crouched down in front of him._

_Exhaling, Jim met McCoy's eyes. "One, I don't like him like that." It felt weird on his tongue as he said it. "And two, you know I don't do relationships, Bones. If I let something happen, it won't end well. I never had a relationship with anyone without it falling apart. I can't allow that, because a Captain and a First Officer have to work as one. And there is probably some regulation against it." He had no idea why he was bringing regulations into this, as he often didn't follow them._

_"You're afraid," McCoy stated softly. "Are you afraid of hurting yourself or hurting him?" There was a pause. "It does appear that Spock is willing to take that risk."_

_Jim stood up suddenly. "I am not afraid, Bones. There's nothing to be afraid of." He closed his eyes as he rubbed his head. "I need to think."_

_"Jim."_

_"No, I don't want to talk about it." He took a deep breath. "Is this what you wanted to talk about?_

_"No." McCoy answered, as he went off into the real reason why he came._

* * *

 

_*O*O*_

* * *

Though Jim would rather not think about the past, the memories were at least good memories and put something good into this horrible experience.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe as Jim's body had started to shake in pain. The pain was ten times worse, and if he could talk, he would be screaming out in pain. To make matters worse, his whole body felt like it was on fire. It didn't matter that he was lying in a tub of ice.

"Your temperate is not dropping," the Doctor from before muttered. Jim still wasn't able to get a good look at him as his vision was still failing him. "And the meds that I'm giving you are not working."

Jim felt his body shake as pain rocketed through his body. He let out a moan, as he knew the end was soon. He realized there wasn't any way he was going to survive this. He wished he could end it now instead of slowly dying. There was nothing that could keep him going besides the _Providence_ and Admiral Pike…okay maybe Selek, but he was still ready to die.

"Salean, I need you!" the Doctor yelled. With that name, Jim's already slow heart almost stopped. His train of thought disappeared along with his ability to breathe. "Now, if you do not want your human to die!"

During the time where Jim had no idea of who had entered the room and who had left, when he was only aware of the heat and pain, he didn't know who belonged to the second pair of hands that had touched him. Now it hit him full force as he realized the identity of the owner of those hands. His body began to shake harder as his soul cried.

"What can we do?" Salean asked as he placed a kiss on Jim's forehead.

"Find a human doctor, preferably one who knows this human. James Kirk seems to have allergies that I am not aware of and I am concerned about giving him the wrong thing." He hypoed him, even if it was clear he didn't want to. It annoyed Jim that the substance let him breathe again. He just wanted to die.

Jim tried to move his hand as Salean touched him, but his body wouldn't listen. The pain was too great, and somehow, he was able to let out a scream, even though he couldn't breathe.

"I will find one. I cannot let anything happen to my James."

"Do it fast, because I am not sure how long he will last."

"I will."

Jim didn't know when Salean left as it was getting harder to think. "M-make i-it s-stop," he moaned. It sounded like there was cotton in his mouth. "J-just let m-me die."

If the Doctor understood what he said, he didn't respond. Instead, he just stabbed him again and with that, Jim drifted back into unconsciousness. His memories were safe for now at least.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

If anyone asked Jim, he'd say he wasn't avoiding Spock, when in reality he was doing everything he could to avoid the Vulcan. After Jim had left McCoy the other day, he had taken a long walk inside the Enterprise, and during this walk, he had come across Uhura and Spock, speaking in one of the observations decks. He didn't want to stay and listen to the conversation but stopped the second he heard his name. He had to find out why they were talking about him. Looking back at it now, he wished he had kept on walking.

Jim at the moment was working out in the Enterprise's gym, as he tried to figure out what he was going to do. He couldn't keep changing his shifts and pretending he was sick each time Spock came to see him, as someone was bound to notice his weird behavior. But he couldn't be around Spock at the moment or any time right now.

"Stop, Kirk," he told himself as Uhura and Spock's conversation replayed in his mind. "Stop thinking about it." He didn't know why he kept thinking about it when it wasn't going to happen. He wasn't going to let it happen.

" _I think you're overthinking and overreacting, Spock." Uhura stated._

" _I do not overact or overthink, Nyota."_

Jim still did not understand why Spock was so friendly and open with Uhura even after the breakup. Most breakups did not end on friendly terms…well most of Jim's did not. He couldn't even look at people he slept with anymore.

" _You are this time. There's nothing going on between McCoy and Kirk. They are just good friends, really good friends."_

" _He was alone with the Captain in his quarters while he was indecent. What else does it mean?"_

It blew his mind that Spock was jealous of McCoy. He was just a good friend, who Jim could count on for anything.

" _You forget who Kirk is. If he could run around naked, he would," Uhura answered. "And McCoy has probably seen him naked hundreds of times. I don't know why you are so worried." She exhaled loudly. "I'd seen him naked for crying out loud, and I don't know what the big deal is about it." There was a chuckle._

Though this whole situation was awkward, he could laugh at Uhura's joke. He and she may not be the best of friends, but she was still amazing. Jim didn't know how she truly felt, but she had never shown anything but smiles and kindness unless he did something stupid.

" _You have seen Jim naked? Why?"_ _It was clear that Spock was jealous, which surprised them both._

" _It wasn't on purpose, Spock. It was by accident." She paused. "If you want Kirk, why don't you just come out and ask him. I would think he would like the direct approach."_

" _I…" There was a pause. "I do not want to scare Jim. He is everything."_

Even now, the admission sent chills down his spine, because no one said that about him. It warmed his heart to hear Spock say that, but that didn't change anything. The relationship still couldn't happen.

" _I doubt you would scare him away that easily."_

" _He has been though more than most people think and I am not willing to risk it."_

" _Spock, you have to do something. I can see how much this is hurting you. Just tell him. I know he might not return your feelings, but at least you can move on if you he doesn't."_

Jim wasn't sure what he was feeling for Spock, but he refused to think about it.

" _I will not as you say 'move on' from him. He is my T'hy'la. I will stand by him no matter, even if… I have to watch him take others to his bed." There was pain in this voice that Jim didn't like._

" _You're kidding right? Kirk is your T'hy'la?"_

Jim still had no idea of what that word meant and why Uhura was shocked by it. He wished he knew, but he couldn't ask anyone what it meant without telling him or her where he got it from.

" _I do not joke, Nyota. And for that, I will do anything for him."_

" _But still." There was a pause. "You would just watch him sleep with other people? You're okay with that?"_

" _No, I'm not, but I will try." There was a long pause. "However, it will slowly kill me."_

After Spock said that, Jim quietly left as he couldn't listen to his First Officer anymore. He didn't want to feel worse than he already did. Spock had admitted his feelings, while he couldn't even begin to understand his own.

Jim swung at a punching bag in frustration. Why must he be so confused all the time? Why was he still thinking about Spock? Why did he care in the first place? Did that mean he returned the Vulcan's feelings? If he did, what did that mean for the Enterprise?

He took a deep breath as he punched the bag again and again. He didn't stop until his arms felt like they were going to fall off. Jim stared at the bag before letting gravity take over. On the ground, he closed his eyes as he tried to think about anything else. It was nice to just close his eyes without having to worry about being somewhere.

"Jim."

Said man almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of his name. "Commander Spock," Jim greeted as he got to his feet. He didn't want to be on the ground when Spock was around. He needed to be on his feet in case he had to run. "How are you today?" He tried to put on the biggest smile ever.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked. Spock was staring him down with a look that Jim couldn't read.

"Me avoiding you? Why would anyone avoid you? You are a basket of fun." Jim knew he was stupid to think that Spock didn't notice, but he still hoped.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Basket of fun? I do not understand." He paused. "And you have. You have changed your shift ten times and been sick each time I came to see you. If it were serious, you would have seen Doctor McCoy, which I know you have not. When I asked McCoy about this, he said a few things that I do not wish to repeat, but he agreed with me."

"Traitor."

"McCoy has not-"

"It's an expression!" He had started to believe that Spock did this on purpose.

"I see, but it does not change the fact that you are avoiding me. I wish to find out why."

Jim took a deep breath, because he didn't want to have this conversation with Spock. He wanted to pretend this thing between them didn't exist. "You're overreacting, Spock."

"You have not answered my question," he stated with his famous glare. He took a step toward Jim as if to trap him in the room. He must have known of Jim's plan of escaping.

Turning away so he wouldn't have to look at his First Officer, he crossed to the bench to get his towel to wipe off his sweat. "I'm not avoiding you."

"You are lying."

Even if it was true, Jim hated to be called a liar. "If you don't believe me, that's your problem, not mine," he snapped as he picked up his things to leave. As he made his way to the door, Spock stepped in front of door blocking his way. "Spock move out of the way." He really didn't want to deal with this.

"No."

Jim's head had started to hurt. Yes, Spock could sometimes give him a headache, but at this moment, he was pissed and normally, he could look past it. Normally his anger would beat anything, but right now his head felt like it was on fire. "Move, Spock," he sneered. Jim thought it was weird that Spock hadn't noticed that he was in pain. His First Officer always noticed the smallest cut on his skin during away missions.

"No."

 _Stupid stubborn Vulcan,_ he thought. "Move, Commander. That's an order," Jim stated pulling rank. He hated it had to come to this, but Spock wouldn't listen to him.

"No."

"Are you disobeying a direct order, _Commander_?" He made sure to deliberately stress the rank.

There was some hesitation in Spock, but he did not move. "Yes, Captain. It seems like I am."

Jim stood there in shock, because he didn't know what he was going to do. He knew he really couldn't force his way around Spock, and he didn't want to call security on him. That would screw them both. He opened his mouth to speak when pain flashed through him, and again, it surprised him that Spock didn't notice. "Spock, please move," he begged.

"There are only two ways that I am leaving, Jim. Either you explain why you are avoiding me or call security, which is something you will not do."

Jim groaned in pain and annoyance. He couldn't believe how much pain he felt. Why wasn't Spock noticing? He thought he cared. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Jim, this rift between us will not help the ship. We need to talk about it."

He closed his eyes again as he was rocketed with another flash of pain. However, even with the pain, he knew Spock was right. Once Jim turned him down, this whole thing would just get awkward. "I can't do this."

"This is vital to the ship."

He shook his head. "I meant that I can't do a relationship. There can't be an us, Spock."

"I do not understand. Us mean-"

Jim waved him off. "I know what 'us' means." He took a deep breath as he tried to ride the pain out. "I meant that we cannot have any kind of romantic relationship. I'm sorry, Spock." The look on Spock's face made him feel like he had just killed his puppy, and he felt awful about it. "I was avoiding you so I wouldn't have to do this."

Spock exhaled as he stood very still with his hands behind his back. "May I hear your reasoning for saying no?"

"Why, does it matter?" he asked. "There is probably some regulation against it."

"When did you start caring about rules and regulations, Jim?"

"When did you stop?" Jim countered. "And then there's the whole being emotionally compromised to each other, and we can't have that on a mission. You know that."

Spock started to take a few steps closer to Jim, who took a step back for each step Spock took toward him. "That will not happen." By the time he was done, Spock had Jim cornered and there was nowhere for him to go. "Why are you afraid?" he asked, looking directly into Jim's eyes.

"It's funny that you're accusing me of being afraid." Again, he had to close his eyes as pain flashed through him. Black spots entered his vision. "Besides, you wouldn't want a relationship with me. Everyone knows how I am and how I don't do relationships." All of the sudden, Jim felt cold. Did someone turn the heat down?

"You have not been in the right relationship."

"And you're the right relationship?" he asked. Why couldn't he just tell Spock that he didn't like him that way? Did he really like him? Was he crazy? How could he like his First Officer like that?

"You are my _T'hy'la_."

There was that word again, but he couldn't ponder what that meant. It was hard to think when he was freezing and in severe pain. "What does that mean?" he asked.

"You are not ready for that yet."

"So why does Uhura get to know before I do?" he asked, annoyed.

Spock stared at him, studying him. "I do not want to scare you away." There was a pause. "You have overheard us speaking?" He sounded annoyed. "You should have come to me."

Jim snorted. "Beats the whole idea of avoiding you, doesn't it?" His heart was beating a million beats per second. "And there still can't be an us."

"I will leave you be Captain, when you tell me that you do not feel anything for me." In a move that Jim never expected, Spock pinned Jim to the wall with his body. His hand danced up Jim's body, but he didn't touch any of Jim's bare skin.

"We can't, Spock," Jim stated as he breathed slowly. He was still freezing and in pain, but at the moment, he was distracted by Spock, whose lips were inches from his lips. He couldn't stop looking at them.

"Tell me you do not want this."

Oh god, he wanted to tell him that he didn't want this, but he couldn't. He wanted this badly…He didn't know when he had started to admit the truth to himself that he wanted Spock… Still though, he couldn't let this happen, but there wasn't anything he could do with Spock so close to him. He closed his eyes as he allowed the whole situation to overtake him. Spock took this as a sign and kissed him hard. Without Jim even knowing, he placed one of his hands on Jim's hand and ran his fingers up and down. When Jim started to kiss Spock back, his First Officer became more aggressive. He put his full weight on Jim's body and Jim could feel Spock's body wanting his. After a few minutes, Spock's lips left Jim's and traveled to his neck. Jim moaned as Spock sucked on his neck.

"Mine," Spock stated as his lips left Jim neck. He had left a mark on Jim's neck and seemed quite proud of it. "No one else may touch you, now." He returned to Jim's lips and kissed him hard.

They stayed there for some time kissing, even with the black spots in his vision and the dropping temperature, which was making it harder to feel. Then all of the sudden, Jim came to his senses and pushed an unsuspecting Spock away. He couldn't do this. He was the Captain. His happiness came last.

In Spock's surprise, Jim was able to slip passed his First Officer and grab his things. "We can't, Spock. I'm sorry." He bolted out of the room before Spock could even react. As soon as Jim made it down the hall, his vision was overtaken by the darkness.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Jim woke up, wanting to scream even if no sound would come of his mouth. It was so cold that he couldn't feel his body and the pain almost disappeared along with his nerves, which was a good thing in his eyes. "Relax, James," the Doctor stated as he started to wrap Jim in blankets. "If you do not, you will die faster."

His opinion was the same; he didn't care if he died. It would be a good thing if his death happened soon. His body was shutting down on him and he was happy for that because he didn't want to be raped by Salean again. He would rather die.

"If Salean does not come soon with a human doctor, it will be too late." He took a few seconds away from Jim and walked to his bag. "I don't want to give you anything else, because there is already a large cocktail in your body."

Jim tried to move his head, but his muscles wouldn't work. The only thing he could do was moan as he still could feel some pain. Without the extreme pain, he was able to open his eyes a little bit and take a look around the room. He could tell the doctor wasn't human just by looking at him. His skin was a light greenish-blue color, and he had weird looking ear-like things coming out of his head. His legs looked like they had been put on backward. "W-water," he stated, struggling to get the word out.

The Doctor turned to him before picking up a rag. "I did not think you would be able to drink with your lack of strength, James." He placed the rag close to Jim's lips and allowed the water to drip on his lips. "This is a good sign, though."

"C-cold," Jim muttered.

"I know," the Doctor stated as he glanced down Jim's body. Jim had been taken out of the ice bath a few hours ago and placed on a heating table. He had been covered in blankets, but the doctor had been unsuccessful in keeping Jim's body temperature up. "The beating that Salean's thug gave you almost killed you, and then the Dalenien idiot almost kills you with a hypo mixed with everything under the sun. If you survive this, it will be something extraordinary."

Jim's eyes started to drift again, and he was unable to stop them. In his last few seconds, he thought about his death. _So this is how it feels like to die?_ He wouldn't wish this on anyone, even his worst foe….just maybe on Salean.

His thoughts wandered to his crew (he would claim them in death) and Admiral Pike. His heart started to ache knowing the pain they would suffer. Pike was a father to him, having a special relationship that no one could deny. He wished he could have said goodbye to him one last time and tell him how much he meant to him. Also, even if Jim could never forget what his crew did, he wanted to forgive them, Spock and McCoy included, and tell them goodbye as well. Though they made his life a living hell during the last few months he was on the Enterprise, they had given him some happy moments that he didn't think were possible.

In one of his attempts to breathe, Jim thought of Aurelan. He hated knowing that he was going to leave her. She had tried to be a rock for him, and he wished there was a way that he could have paid her back. There was his brother, and he dreamed of the relationship he had always wanted with him instead of the barely tolerable one he had now. He thought about his annoying stupid mother. No matter what he did, nothing could have fixed that relationship, but it didn't stop him from wishing there was something that could have be done. Now he had run out of time.

In his very last second, he thought of Old Spock. The Vulcan had lived through him dying once in his own time, and now he was going to have to live through him dying again. How could the universe be so cruel to him? If only for him, Jim wished he could come back, because he understood what it meant to lose a loved one. _I'm sorry, old man._ He really loved that old Vulcan.

But….for once, James T. Kirk had truly given up. He had lost all hope and would rather this be over as he didn't want to think about the pain of his death and the suffering it would cause.

"James," the Doctor called when Jim didn't open his eyes. "James."

Jim couldn't answer as he suddenly lost the power to breathe. His body unconsciously started to struggle for air, as it thrashed, using strength that he didn't know he had. His back arched as pain returned to his body ten-fold, and he knew then that the end was near and welcomed it.

 


	17. Impossible Decisions

With each passing second that they did not find Captain Kirk, Admiral Pike's nervousness was growing. At this rate, he thought he was going to go crazy, because not knowing could drive anyone insane. If Jim hadn't been kidnapped or wasn't in danger, Pike was going to kill him very slowly, because this nervousness could knock even the best to their knees.

Shaking his head, Pike turned to the door that led to Jim's quarters. Admiral Komack had set up a temporary 'base' in the space, so they could coordinate the search party without being noticed. Komack wanted to keep the search under wraps. Although Pike didn't like it, he understood why. Knowing that the famous captain of the _Providence_ was MIA and there was a dangerous criminal on the loose would cause a mass panic amongst the crowd, which would take officers away from the search to calm them down. Also, if they kept this quiet, Salean and Seleen wouldn't be expecting them and they could get the surprise on them.

The door to the room slid open and he stepped through. The ugly flowers had been removed and the room had been cleaned. There were several computers set up and each had an officer sitting in front of them. Doctor McCoy, who had requested to beam down with the search team, was sitting at one of the monitors; his eyes were glued to the screen. Komack had denied his request, saying if they needed him, they would call him. Komack thought it would be best to keep the doctor away from the action as there was no telling how bad it would be. McCoy had argued aggressively, but Komack refused to listen.

McCoy had also requested that they inform the senior crewmembers of the _Enterprise_ of the situation. He knew they would want to assist with the search, and their skills would be helpful. Komack had denied that as well as he didn't want emotionally compromised officers on the search team. He knew the crew was close to Kirk and didn't need their emotions. Having the emotional McCoy was enough, and he needed the famous crew of the _Enterprise_ at the festivities. If he pulled them from the events, someone would notice and begin to ask questions.

Pike crossed the room to McCoy, who looked up a bit. "Pike," he said.

"McCoy, is there any news?" There were more qualified people in the room that Pike could have asked, but he wanted to ask McCoy to keep him distracted from leaving. The Admiral knew the doctor must have been feeling like shit at the moment, which he thought McCoy deserved after hearing the whole story from Jim. Despite the fact that his best friend (ex or not) was missing, there was nothing he could do at the moment.

McCoy glanced up before turning back to his monitor. "I think you should ask them, not me, Sir." He pointed toward the officers beside him. Pike kept his eyes on McCoy. "No, they haven't found him. They have already searched three sections and haven't found any trace of Jim."

"And what are you doing?"

"I'm looking at all of the things on that goddamn planet that can kill Jim. I'm making sure my medical kit is stocked." McCoy pointed to his case. "The second they find him, I'm going to be there." McCoy paused. "I still think we should let Spock in on this. That hobgoblin could probably instantly find him using his Vulcan voodoo."

Pike took a deep breath, knowing where McCoy was coming from. He knew it would be wise to bring in the Vulcan first officer, but he was following Admiral Komack's orders. "Why would we bring in Commander Spock? He doesn't serve under Captain Kirk. Jim is no concern of his. He's Captain Pitts' First Officer, and if Captain Pitts was missing, we would bring him in." He was very irritated at Spock and the rest of the senior crew for their behavior. It was very unfitting for a group of Starfleet Officers and there was a part of him that wanted to bring each of them up on charges. He inwardly sighed as he knew Kirk would never go for that. Jim blamed himself for their actions.

McCoy turned in his chair to face Pike. "Jim may not be our Captain, but he'll always be our concern," he stated loudly, drawing the attention of the room.

Groaning in annoyance, he yanked McCoy up by his forearm and dragged him to the corner of the room to have some kind of privacy. "Doctor, watch your tone," he ordered.

"This is bullshit, Admiral Pike, and you know it. The-"

"Enough, McCoy," Pike snapped. He was whispering, but his tone was very clear and harsh. "The crew of the _Enterprise_ , you included, turned their backs on their Captain. What rights do you think you have?" McCoy was feeling guilty and wanted to make up for it, but he couldn't just run off.

"You have every right to pissed; heck, I'm pissed at myself. What I did to Jim is unforgiveable and I don't expect him to forgive me." McCoy paused to take a deep breath. "I know Jim is like a son to you, and you're trying to protect him, but we can't go to the big horse race without our best horses."

"Don't kid yourself. This isn't about you and your betrayal." Pike took a long look around the room. Nothing seemed to have changed and they weren't any closer to finding Jim. "Yes, Jim's very important to me, and I don't want to see him hurt, which is what your presence will do." He paused to take a deep breath. "However, that isn't why I'm keeping them in the dark. The less people who know, the better, because Seleen and his son could be watching."

McCoy exhaled. "I understand, but I don't like it." There was a long pause. "You know if we could change what we did, we would in a heartbeat."

"I know," Pike stated. He knew Jim didn't tell them anything after what had happened and refused to talk about it, but they still didn't have the right to treat him like that. He flashed back to what Jim had told him. "He wanted to kill himself, did you know that? He almost did in fact. For that, I can't look past it." There was another pause. "If I thought it would help, I would bring each of you up on charges."

"And we would deserve it." McCoy's voice gave away to what he was feeling… broken. "He wanted to die?" He looked down.

"He did." Pike eyed him as McCoy leaned against the wall. "I have to go see Admiral Komack and give him an update." He took a deep breath and turned to the door.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy couldn't sit in the room anymore, and he didn't care what Admiral Pike thought or told him. As an officer, he could understand Pike's reasons, but right now he didn't agree with them. Spock had been able to find Jim countless times when no one else could, and he was sure the Vulcan could do it again. He just had to be given the chance.

Standing up, he glanced around the room. No one looked his way despite his sudden movement. He picked up his medical bag and headed to the door. He knew he would be disobeying a direct order that both Admirals Komack and Pike had given him, but he couldn't sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen any longer. He had to do something.

In a matter of seconds, McCoy was out the door and down the corridor. Though he wasn't sure of the time, Spock had to be in the main hall as the festivities had already stated. However, he stopped by Spock's quarters to make sure he wasn't there. Not finding him, McCoy turned toward the direction of the main hall and took off in a brisk walk. He would have run but didn't want to draw attention to himself.

As he walked, he thought back to what Pike had told him about Jim, and it knocked the air from his lungs. It shocked him that Jim had sunk so slow that he wanted to die, because his former best friend was always the happy, hyper guy. Yes, Jim had his depressing sad moments that he tried to hide, but McCoy had always been able to see through them. However, he didn't see any of that before Jim had given up the _Enterprise_ …Or maybe, he did and just didn't care.

As he got closer, McCoy could hear the festivities, and it made him pick up his speed. He made it to the doorway of the hall in a few minutes, and scanned the room, looking for Spock. The room was crowded and McCoy couldn't see anyone that he knew. "Where are you, you pointy-eared bastard?" McCoy asked himself as he took a step into the large room. He took another look around the area, and to his joy, he spotted the Vulcan standing next to his father. "Spock," he yelled, but there was no way for him to be heard over the noise of the crowd and background music. McCoy could barely hear himself.

As he was able to take another step into the room, McCoy heard his name called and turned around. "Doctor McCoy."

"I don't have-" McCoy started as he turned around. He was ready to snap on the person as he didn't have the time. His heart stopped as he recognized Seleen. "Where's Jim?" He snarled, stepping toward. "If you hurt him, I will personally hypo you to death." His grip on the medical bag tightened.

"If you come with me, I can show you," Seleen stated. He was standing with a straight back and his hands were behind his back. To his left was a man that could only be described as a thug. He was four times McCoy's size and stood a good three feet higher than him. His face looked like it had seen better days as it was black and blue with a few deep scars.

It would be very stupid for McCoy to go with him. Just because the Dalenien said he could bring him to Jim, it did not mean he would. He could be lying. Seleen had already made it clear that he didn't like him. "Admiral Komack would like to speak with you."

"I know, but I do not wish to speak to him."

"I don't care if you don't want to speak with the Admiral. You're going to do it." Seleen was pissing him off.

"I do not have the time. I need to see my son."

"Salean is here? Does he have Jim?" McCoy didn't know what he was doing, but he knew the more information he had the better. It could help them find Jim.

"If you wish to see James, come with me," Seleen stated. His tone had not changed, but it was clear that McCoy had annoyed the Dalenien. "We must hurry, Doctor. He is of need medical attention. I am afraid he will not last long without it."

Every bone in McCoy's body was telling him that this was a very bad idea. Going with Seleen could mean death for him, but he couldn't leave Jim alone to die. "And you came to me?" he asked. "I thought you didn't like me."

"I do not like you. If I could, I would break your legs and leave you in the desert to be eaten by the animals, but the current doctor cannot help him, and you are the only one who can save James." He nodded to the thug who took it as his cue and stepped toward McCoy, "Now, please let's go."

McCoy glanced over his shoulder to where he had last seen Spock, but the Vulcan was no longer there. He scanned the crowd for a second, but he was unable to find him. "And if I refuse?" McCoy asked, knowing that he would never refuse. He would do anything for his friend…besides supporting Jim when he needed him. Disgust for himself filled him.

"You would let your friend die? I would have thought higher of you. My first assessment of you was correct."

"I would never let Jim die."

"Then come with me," he stated. The thug grabbed McCoy arm tightly. With his arm in a lock, there was no way the doctor could break free. "We do not have time for a discussion."

"After I save Jim, what do you plan on doing with him and me?" McCoy glared at the thug holding him.

As he took a look around, Seleen stepped toward McCoy. "With James, you need not worry. He will be taken care of. Maybe, we will let you come with us. If Salean plans on keeping him, we will need a doctor."

"By taking care of him, you mean your son raping him repeatedly?" McCoy snapped back, ignoring the part about his possible future. How could he save Jim only to have him be turned into a sex slave? Though he couldn't speak for Jim, he knew it wasn't the life he wanted.

Seleen grabbed McCoy by the collar and pulled him toward him. "Your Federation has no idea of what they speak of. My son has claimed James, and he will have him." Seleen let him go as he spotted a few people walk their way. He nodded to him as they entered the main hall.

"Even if it is against his wishes?" McCoy hissed.

"He will accept it soon enough." Seleen looked to the thug. "Let's get going."

McCoy groaned as he nodded his head. He couldn't leave Jim to suffer this alone, and he would do whatever it took to make sure that it didn't happen even if the Daleniens killed him.

* * *

*O*O*

 

* * *

Admiral Pike was pissed when he arrived at Jim's quarters to check on McCoy. He knew he shouldn't have left the doctor alone, because there was no way in hell that McCoy was going to listen to him. McCoy was too emotional to think clearly, and Pike couldn't fault him. He himself was also very emotional, and it was a wonder that he was able to think clearly. "Did anyone see where he went?" he asked the officers.

"No, Sir. He left over an hour ago," an officer in a blue shirt answered.

"Fuck," he cursed causing a few heads to turn to him, but no one mentioned his language. "If you hear anything about Captain Kirk or Doctor McCoy, let me know immediately." They nodded as he crossed to the door. "Stupid. I hate babysitting." He muttered to himself.

Pike headed to the hall in a rush. He knew it might be too late to stop McCoy from disobeying orders, but he had to try. If he didn't, Admiral Komack would have both of their heads. Komack had been very firm about keeping this quiet and would punish anyone who disobeyed him. His firmness on keeping this quiet was not a reflection of how he thought about Captain Kirk. Komack hadn't been Jim's biggest fan in the beginning, but with each passing day, he could see that Jim Kirk was a great captain and had started to grow on him.

Now, Pike had to scope out the damage and see what he had to do to fix it. He hoped McCoy didn't go yelling about Kirk's disappearance in the middle of the party and alerting everyone to it. If he didn't, it gave him a chance to keep McCoy out of trouble.

His advancement through the room was slowed by the large crowd that was stopping him every few seconds. It took ten minutes for him to locate Commander Spock, who was having a lively discussion with Captain Pitts. Judging by Pitts' face, he was annoyed, but there was no emotion on Spock's face. He had heard rumors that they did not get along, but it took a special kind of person to have a Vulcan as their first officer.

"Captain, Commander," Pike spoke as he arrived at their location. "Is there something wrong?" he asked as he looked between the two.

"Admiral Pike," Pitts greeted. He glanced around the room. "There's nothing wrong." He put on a large smile. "We were just having a discussion."

"Maybe that discussion is better left to your quarters, Captain Pitts," Pike stated. He didn't think he needed to babysit Pitts as well. "We don't need them seeing us fight." He nodded his head to the crowd.

"I understand, Sir," Pitts responded.

Spock nodded his head. "It is a mistake that we will not let happen again."

The Admiral took a double look of the Vulcan, because now he could see emotions on Spock's face. He knew the Vulcan better than most, and he had never been this easy to read before. Pike knew something had to be wrong, and it had to do with Jim, which annoyed him. Spock turned his back on Jim, and he deserved none of his compassion. "Make sure it doesn't."

"Was there another reason why you're here?" Pitts asked.

Pike looked around the room, catching a few eyes on them. This was too public for his liking, but he didn't have much of a choice. "Follow me," he stated as he headed to a vacant corner. It was the best he could do.

"So?" Pitts asked as he glanced over his shoulder to the crowd. There were only one empty table between them and the crowd. Spock stood by Pitts' side with his arms behind his back. They both eyed Pike.

"Have either of you seen Doctor McCoy?" Pike asked.

"Why are you concerned with Doctor McCoy's location?" Spock asked. "Has he done something erroneous?"

Pitts stared off as he thought of his CMO. "McCoy does have a bad habit of speaking out of turn." Spock glanced toward Pitts for a brief second before staring at the wall behind Pike's head.

Pike glanced between the two. If he didn't know them, he wouldn't think that anything was wrong, but he knew them both well enough to know something was up. He also knew there had been tension between the _Enterprise's_ crew and Captain Pitts, but he didn't think it was this bad. "Not everyone can handle Doctor McCoy. It takes a special kind of person," Pike answered. "However, have you seen McCoy?"

Pitts eyed him. "No, I have not. Have you, Commander Spock?" he asked, turning to Spock.

"I too have not seen Doctor McCoy," Spock answered. "Has something happened?"

Taking a deep breath, Pike glanced around the room. "If you see him, please let him know that I'm looking for him." He stated as he turned to the door. Not to his surprise, he didn't make it three steps before getting stopped by Captain Pitts and Spock.

"Admiral Pike, what's going on?" Pitts asked. "I know something's up. I haven't seen Admiral Komack since you dragged him out of breakfast, and now you're acting weird." He took a step toward Pike.

"Just one question. When did you last see McCoy?" Pike asked. Something wasn't right. At first, he had wondered if Jim was playing all of them with his vanishing act, but now he was beginning to wonder. But why the hell would Seleen and/or Salean kidnap McCoy? He doubted they would like his southern insults and bedside manner. He already knew Seleen didn't like the doctor which led him to think of the only reason why they would take McCoy… _Jim_ , he thought, panicking. Was Jim hurt? Was he dying?

"I have not seen Doctor McCoy since it was announced that Captain Kirk would take the _Providence_ ," Spock answered. Again, if Pike didn't know the Vulcan, he would not have noticed the annoyance and worried tones in his voice.

"Same here." Pitts studied his face. "C'mon, Pike. I know something's happening. I can see it in your face." He followed Pike's glance.

A shiver flowed through Pike as he felt someone besides Spock and Captain Pitts watching him. He didn't like it. He scanned the room, but no one stood out to him. "I can't talk about it here. Follow me," he stated as he turned to leave. They followed him without another word.

It only took a few minutes for them to find an empty room to speak in. The second the door closed, Pitts opened his mouth. "So what's going on?"

"One of the Captains went missing sometime last night, and no one can locate him. We were led to believe that someone has taken him," Pike responded, eyeing Spock. Though he wasn't sure of the status of Jim and Spock's relationship at the moment, he knew Jim was important to Spock. He wasn't sure how the Vulcan would react to hearing Jim was missing.

"Who was the Captain?" Pitts asked.

"It is J-Kirk," Spock said, quickly.

Pike eyed Spock and he could see the Vulcan's body language change. "It is."

"I see why you wanted to keep this quiet," Pitts stated, glancing at Spock. Spock was standing very still with his arms against his side. His hands were clenched into fists as he stared off. "Do you know who took him?"

Pike still eyed Spock. "We do have a lead, but we aren't sure. Captain Kirk did make a few enemies when he was the Captain on the _Enterprise_."

"And you believe this same person has McCoy?" Pitts asked.

"I do."

Spock turned to Pike. "You are being ambiguous. Why?" he asked. "You do not believe it was Salean? He would be the most logical of suspects."

Admiral Pike didn't know if it would be wise to admit that it was Salean. He could already see the control slipping from Spock and knew he couldn't lie. "I do not believe it would be wise to bring in emotionally compromised officers." He eyed Spock and could see the gears turning in the Vulcan's mind.

"You believe that I am emotionally compromised?" Spock asked.

"I believe you can answer that," Pike stated, as he glanced toward Pitts, who was eyeing Spock.

"Though I am Vulcan and I do not outwardly show emotions, I do feel," Spock admitted. He glanced toward Pitts. It was obvious that he did not feel comfortable admitting his emotions in front of Captain Pitts. "…Jim is important to me."

"And you believe your treatment of Kirk showed his importance to you?" Pitts asked.

Spock stared forward, refusing to look at Captain Pitts. "Though my treatment of _my_ Captain is none of your concern, no, it does not." The stress on the word 'my' did not go unnoticed by either of them. "I am ashamed of my actions."

"He is no longer your Captain, Commander," Pitts stated. "I am."

"Captain Kirk will _always_ be my Captain," Spock shot back as he turned to the door.

"Where are you going, Commander Spock?" Pike asked. He glanced toward to Captain Pitts to give him a warning to keep his mouth shut. He could see how emotional Spock had become, and he needed the Vulcan to keep it under control. Pitts was just making it worse.

Spock looked back. "I am going to find Jim."

"No, you're not. I don't need emotional officers making things worse. I need you here," Pike stated.

"Do not insult me. I am not easily controlled by my emotions as are humans." Spock stated, "I can control my emotions."

"Really?" Pitts asked, not caring for Pike's warning. "You don't seem to be doing a good job now or for the last few months." He paused, looking for some kind of reaction in his First Officer. "You allowed Kirk to suffer…Heck, you made it worse for him and then you have the nerve to call him important to you? Really? And you think you aren't controlled by your emotions. I find that hard to believe."

"Captain Pitts, that's enough!" Pike ordered, as he glared down the Captain. He didn't know how Spock was feeling but he knew that Pitts was pissing them both off. Yes, Spock's actions were horrendous and he was going to give the Vulcan a piece of his mind later, but that was _his_ job. Captain Pitts just needed to shut the hell up.

Pitts only spared him a glance. "I can only imagine why Kirk couldn't tell you. He seems to be a proud man who wouldn't want to look like a coward or a weakling in front of his crew. It was a captain thing to do as a captain cannot be weak." He paused as he studied Spock. "I find myself wondering what the rest of the crew and you were thinking. Why would they, especially you, treat him so negatively?"

"Captain Pitts, that's enough! Shut up or else. That's an order." Pike threatened, "This is not the time. There are more important things to worry about."

Spock stepped back to Captain Pitts but kept a good distance between them. "Admiral Pike is correct." He became very stiff which worried the Admiral. "Jim is the top priority." He crossed back to the door.

"Commander, stop," Pike stated. "I remember telling you that you're not going to look for Jim. If you must help, I can set you up with a monitor." He glanced toward Pitts, who met his eyes. He understood the warning.

"Is that an order?" Spock asked.

There was a look in Spock's eyes that Pike didn't like. "Would you listen if it was?" he asked.

Spock turned completely to him with his arms stiff at his sides. "No, I would not. If forced, I would immediately resign my post."

"You would give up everything for Jim?" Pike asked. "What about your future?" Pike would do the same thing as Spock if he could, but he still had to try to talk him out of it.

"Jim is my future, and I will do whatever it takes to get him back."

"Salean could have devised a trap for anyone that comes near him. Heck, we have no idea of where he is." Pike explained as he tried to reason with him. "We need to think logically about this."

"He will not deceive me." Spock turned to the door with his hands still clenched. "Dungau gla-tor nash-veh Salean taflau."

Pike hated when Spock spoke using the Vulcan language. He wished he had learned to speak it so he could understand what Spock had said, but with the tone alone he realized it couldn't be anything good. He knew he had to stop the Vulcan before he left, but he realized he couldn't stop him, especially after learning that Spock and Jim had been together in a relationship. He had to make sure Spock didn't do something that he would regret. "When you find Salean," he paused, knowing that Spock had a better shot than they did. "Just don't kill him."

"I will not kill him," Spock replied. It sounded strained as if he didn't want to promise it. Pike didn't push and allowed him to leave, not wanting to force him to resign. Starfleet needed both Spock and Jim, and in the end, Spock might be the only one who could find him.

After a few moments, Captain Pitts spoke, "Do you think that was wise?"

The older man was really getting on Pike's nerves. "I did not ask for your opinion, Captain. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it," Pike stated, walking to the door.

"Understood."

"Good. Now go back to the event and pretend this conversation never happened."

"Admiral Pike..."

"Now, Captain."

"Yes, Sir," Pitts stated as he left

Admiral Pike went to look for Selek and ask him about what Spock had told him. He had a feeling that the young Vulcan might be getting himself in a lot of trouble.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy's hands were cuffed in front of him, and there was a firm hand on each of his shoulders pushing him forward. His medical bag had been taken from him by Seleen, who held it close to his side. His blue medical shirt had been ripped off and tossed away, leaving him only in his blacks. A jacket had been thrown over his hands, hiding the cuffs. He knew the reasoning. His blue Starfleet shirt would make him stand out, and the handcuffs would draw attention to him. Seleen did not want that.

The second they had entered the transporter room, the thug held him still as Seleen blindfold him. The thug then guided him onto the transporter pad. Though he couldn't see or feel the thug and Seleen, he knew they were on the pad next to him. Seleen said something in his native language, which McCoy couldn't even begin to understand, and a second later, he could feel his himself being ripped apart. Oh, he hated beaming, but it was over a few seconds later, and he was whole again.

McCoy had been blindfolded before and two times stood out to him. One time was by his bitch of an ex-wife, who had tried to be romantic early in their relationship. At the time, he had thought it was cute, but now, he thought the whole thing had been extremely annoying. Because of that date, he had ended up in the hospital as he had tripped and rolled down a hill. She had just left him alone for two minutes. He had started to wonder if she had planned the whole damn thing. The second time was because of Jim, who had jumped out of nowhere and forced it on him. Jim, then guided him down the hallway to a surprise birthday party, but he didn't make it there in one piece. Jim kept accidentally walking him into walls leaving him with bruises the next day.

Though he did not like it this time as well, he didn't fall on his face or walk into any walls. Instead, he was able to focus on his surroundings, which would be helpful if he was to escape. If Jim was too badly injured to escape with him, he would bring back help even if it was the last thing he did.

They walked for about ten minutes on a dirt road before McCoy was forced into an old fashioned carriage. For twenty minutes, McCoy was forced to sit on the floor as they drove. It was the bumpiest ride of his life, and that was counting the time the _Enterprise_ was attacked while in warp drive. Then he was forced out of the carriage and dragged into some kind of building. He was led deep into the building in complete silence, which he was very grateful for as he had nothing to say to these idiots.

Without warning, the thug gave McCoy a hard shove forward, barely missing some kind of sharp object. He could feel his uniform get caught on it. McCoy, who literally bit his tongue, was able to gain control of himself before he fell to the ground. "What the hell!" he yelled. He could taste the blood in his mouth.

"Easy," Seleen ordered as grabbed McCoy. He harshly pulled the blindfold off McCoy. "We do not need the doctor injured as well."

"That would be important, Igits," McCoy muttered. He regretted it a second later as Seleen smacked him in the back of his head.

"We need you healthy, but I will not stand for your mouth."

"Alright," McCoy stated, knowing his mouth could get both Jim and himself in trouble.

"Good," Seleen stated. He turned around and looked back at the thug. "Stay here. I can handle the doctor from here." The thug nodded his head and turned back to the door.

Seleen was an arrogant son of a bitch, and McCoy would love to slap him outside of his head. Yes, compared to McCoy, the Dalenien had four times his own strength, but that didn't matter. McCoy would still love to slap the fool.

"Let's go," he stated as he grabbed McCoy by the upper arm and dragged him into one of the hallways connected to the large room. It wasn't long before they were joined by another Dalenien. "Salean, how is he?"

McCoy froze at the name, remembering it from Jim's file. He had never met Salean while docked at Dalenius as he was stuck on the _Enterprise_ the whole time, but he had heard of him. What he had learned gave him the chills and filled him with anger.

"Bad, father. I see you found the doctor," Salean stated, as he gave McCoy a look over. "I expected more." Salean was a Dalenien that stood roughly 6 foot 11 inches, with a beefy body and larger shoulders. His long jet black hair was tied in a low pony tail, which showed off his long funky ears. The top of his ears had two large points and his tribal earrings, much like the Terrain Native Americans, hung low on his ears. His nose looked like someone had cut off the tip. His skin was pure white, nearly transparent, and McCoy could almost see his organs through the light skin, but it was Salean's arms that drew McCoy's eyes. On each arm, Salean had scars that traveled all the way up his arms and disappeared under his robes. The scars were outlined in black and gold, making them stand out like he was proud of them. Knowing that Daleniens were a violent race, he probably got them in a battle.

"You're exactly how I pictured. A slime ball," McCoy muttered, regretting his mouth. Seleen had hit him again. This time with enough force to send him to the ground.

"You will watch your tongue, Human," Seleen snapped.

McCoy brought his handcuffed hands to his head as if to rub the spot where Seleen had hit him, but he couldn't reach it.

"Father, we need the doctor alive. Please refrain from hitting him hard as without him, James will die," Salean stated.

McCoy's head snapped up, hearing Jim's name. He hadn't seen Jim yet, so he had no idea how serious his current condition was, but if he had to judge by Salean's tone, it was bad. His heart started to race just thinking about it. In the back of his mind there was a part of him that wondered if he should save Jim, who wouldn't want to become a sex slave for this piece of filth. How could he subject Jim to that life? "I'm not going to save him for you to rape him to death, you ogre," McCoy stated, struggling to get to his feet. He readied himself to be hit again. "Who the hell do you think you are to do that to him?"

Not even a second later, McCoy was thrown against the wall by Salean. His large hand was wrapped around McCoy's neck, making it hard for the doctor to breathe. "I have claimed him, which means that I have every right. He's mine."

"H-He isn't an o-object. He c-can't be claimed." McCoy tried to pull the hand away from his neck, but it was impossible as he was a foot off the ground. "H-he doesn't w-want you. He w-will never w-want y-you. He wished y-you were d-dead," he stated, barely getting the words out. It was getting harder and to breathe, and he was beginning to panic.

"Salean," Seleen said calmly. "I believe you told me you needed him alive."

Salean glanced toward his father before dropping the doctor, who landed hard on the floor. "He needs to learn his place." It was clear that he was pissed.

"He does, but he is also needed alive."

McCoy's hands went to his neck as he glanced up at the two. He thought back to the hand imprint he had seen on Jim's neck and felt sick. He had only experienced a small bit of what Jim had gone through. _How did he make it through that?_ He wondered. He knew it had to do with Jim's overwhelming strength.

Salean glared down at McCoy. "James may not want me now, but he will. I will be everything to him soon."

"You don't know what love is." Oh god, McCoy wished Spock, with his Vulcan strength, were here so he could pound the asshole's face in. He would love to see the Vulcan kill the Dalenien, and he knew he would once he found them. No one touched Jim and got away with it when he was around. Spock was super protective of Jim and he didn't blame him, as the kid was always getting into trouble. "And Jim will never think of you like that," McCoy stated.

"Enough, Doctor," Seleen stated as he pulled McCoy to his feet. Even in his old age, Seleen still had the strength and body of a young man.

"We need to-" Salean started but was cut off by yelling. He turned back to the direction of the noise. "James," he muttered, taking off in the direction of the sound. He disappeared down the hallway.

McCoy only had a second to think before Seleen dragged him in the same direction. McCoy couldn't keep up with Seleen's full speed, so the glaring Dalenien slowed down. As they come upon the door, Seleen looked proper as ever, while McCoy was completely out of breath. It took him a few seconds to catch his breath. Seleen eyed him for a few seconds before he turned to the door. At the moment that Seleen opened it, someone let out a heart stopping, bloodcurdling scream, and McCoy recognized the owner of the sound, Jim. With no care for himself, he pushed his way passed Seleen and into the room.

Salean was trying to hold down a thrashing Jim, trying not to hurt him in the process. An alien he didn't recognize, who McCoy presumed was a doctor, was standing on the other side of the table. He had a hypo in one slimy hand, while he checked Jim's heartbeat with the other one. Blankets, which had covered Jim from head to toe, had fallen to the ground.

The sight before him was something he had never seen before. He had seen Jim beaten up and almost dead countless times as the damn idiot didn't have any sense of self survival. This time was different. He could barely recognize the man lying on the table in front of him. He was deathly pale, which made his bruises stand out so much more. The right side of his face was covered in dry blood, while the other side sported a large dark purple blue bruised eye. The black shirt that Jim had been wearing was ripped in multiple places and his skin, which was in different shades of purple and blue, was visible. Even from a distance, he could see that Jim had a broken rib.

McCoy took a few steps toward Jim, knowing damn sure that he just couldn't stand there and watch. It was killing him to see Jim in this much pain. "Take these off," he stated as he turned to Seleen. "I need to help Jim."

"You wish to help now?" Seleen asked. "I thought you did not want to help James."

McCoy felt himself growl. "I can't watch him die," he stated as he held his hands out to Seleen.

"You are a true friend, Doctor McCoy," Seleen stated as he took the cuffs off McCoy.

"No, I'm not. If I was, I would let him die," McCoy stated in a whisper as he grabbed his medical bag from Seleen's hand. By saving Jim, he was sentencing him to a life of misery. Seleen had heard him, but he didn't say anything. He watched as McCoy ran to Jim. "What the hell are you doing?" McCoy snapped as he looked over Jim's thrashing body. It was clear he was having difficult time breathing. They needed to relieve the pressure on Jim's lungs so he could breathe. "Can't you see he can't breathe?"

"Yes, I can see!" The alien doctor shot back in annoyance.

"I don't know about that." Exhaling, McCoy glanced back at the alien doctor and the hypo in his hand. He noticed the label on the hypo and yanked it out of his hand. "Jim's allergic to this, you Igit. How many times have you given him this Hypo?" he asked as he reached into his bag. "I need to know!"

Not answering, the alien doctor looked up at McCoy before looking back Salean who was glaring at him. "You give my James something that he is allergic to?" he hissed as he let go of Jim.

McCoy didn't like how he referred to Jim as his, but he didn't say anything. He had other things to worry about. "Don't kill him. I need him," he stated. Salean was going to kill the alien doctor, but McCoy couldn't let that happen. He needed help with Jim. He needed to know what else he had given him. "You can't really blame him as Jim is allergic to everything. I'm surprised he isn't allergic to water," He stated as hypoed Jim. The medication seemed to relieve some of Jim's pain, but he was still having trouble breathing. Dr. McCoy knew if he didn't fix the broken rib, it would kill Jim in a matter of minutes.

Salean glanced back toward McCoy before nodding. "I will not hurt him for now," he answered. McCoy put a hand on Jim, who seemed to relax under his touch. It didn't go unnoticed by Salean, who silently glared at McCoy.

However, the calm didn't last long as Jim started to convulse again.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Admiral Pike needed a break and he needed it now. Admiral Komack had given him an earful when he had learned that both Spock and Captain Pitts had been brought in. Komack had every right to be pissed as he had disobeyed a direct order, but when he had heard of McCoy's disappearance, he understood his actions. Now, they had no idea if McCoy had run off to search for Kirk or if he had been taken. Either way, it wasn't good.

Shaking his head, Pike took a deep breath as he looked at the report that one of the officers had handed him. They had searched eight different sections and there was still no sign of Jim, Seleen, or Salean. At this rate, they were never going to find Jim before it was too late.

He put the P.A.D.D. down when he heard the door to the observation room open. "Selek, have you found something?" he asked as he turned to the old Vulcan, who was holding a P.A.D.D. and a blue Starfleet shirt. _That's interesting,_ he thought as he looked at the shirt.

"I have." Selek answered, "Seleen has Dr. McCoy."

"How do you know?" Pike asked. Then after a few seconds, he spoke, "That's McCoy's, isn't?"

"It is," Selek answered. "I found it outside of the main hall. It appears to have been ripped from him." He held out the shirt for Pike to see.

Pike closed his eyes as he thought about everything that had happened. McCoy had suggested that they should bring in Spock, who was in the main hall. "He must have been on his way to see Spock and didn't make it."

"It would be wise to assume such an event occurred," Selek stated.

"I don't have to assume anything. I know he didn't reach Spock because I asked him."

Selek eyed him. "I thought Admiral Komack did not want young Spock to know?"

"I didn't have much of a choice," Pike stated. "McCoy was going to tell him." He thought back to what Spock had said and it worried him.

"Your Dr. McCoy is just as stubborn as my Dr. McCoy had been," Selek stated. There was a hint of a smile on his face.

"Stubborn people," Pike muttered. "You brought a P.A.D.D. Is there something you wanted to show me?"

"Yes," Selek replied. "I have pulled the video from outside of the main hall, which shows Seleen talking to Dr. McCoy. Unfortunately, there was no sound, so I am not able to clarify what was said." He passed the P.A.D.D. to Pike to watch. "It would be logical to assume that Seleen told Dr. McCoy that they have Jim."

"But why would they want McCoy?"

"Jim would not have gone willingly." Selek took a deep breath. "Jim would have killed himself before he let Salean touch him again. He told me so in our many communications."

"Jim has to be hurt, and they needed a doctor."

"It had to be a doctor who had knowledge of Jim's complete medical history. Jim has many special medical needs that other doctors would only remotely consider to be possible," Selek stated.

After watching the clip, Pike handed the P.A.D.D. back to Selek, who pocketed the device. "This isn't good, though it means they haven't left with Jim yet. Any idea of where they went?"

Selek took a step to the transparent aluminum window and stared down at the planet. "I have checked with the transporter room operator. Seleen had paid him for his silence, but I was able to get information from him. He transported an adult human male and two Daleniens down to the planet. He did confirm that the human was Dr. McCoy." He had a piece of paper in his hand. "This is the location of where they were transported."

"You did your Vulcan mind thing on him, didn't you?" Pike asked as he stepped beside Selek to take it.

"It is a Mind Meld," Selek corrected. "However, you would be correct."

"I'll send this to Commander Andrews," Pike stated. He took out his P.A.D.D. and sent the message to the Commander.

"Very well." Selek turned to the Admiral. "Where is young Spock? I checked the main hall, but he was not there."

Pike took a deep breath. "As soon as he heard about Jim, he went looking for him on his own against my advice."

"That was unwise of him. He is more hostile than I was at that age, and I am afraid of what he will do when he finds Salean."

"You think he will find him?"

Selek nodded. "When my Jim was still alive, there was nothing that could keep me from him, and I know this Spock is the same. He will find Jim, even if it is the last thing he does."

"He promised me he wouldn't kill him," Pike stated, annoyed. "But he also said something in Vulcan. I don't have the slightest clue what he said. Dun something. Maybe, Dunga. Then nash vah…I think. He said Salean's name… Then Talau. Or maybe, he said Tafu." He took a deep breath. "I don't know."

Selek looked at him with a worried expression on his face. "Did he say dungau gla-tor nash-veh Salean taflau?"

"You understood what I said?" Pike asked, astonished. How could anyone figure out the broken words he had spoken when he himself couldn't understand the language?

"So I am correct," Selek said. "This is not good."

"Why what does that mean?"

"If he had promised, then he will not kill Salean, but…" Selek drifted off.

"But what? What does that mean?" Pike asked.

"It would be wise that we find him. He might not mean to kill Salean, but if Jim is hurt, his promises will not mean anything," Selek answered as he walked to the door.

"Fuck," Pike stated. "This situation is getting worse by the minute." He didn't want to let Spock go, but there was no way to stop the Vulcan unless he locked him in the brig. Spock would never allow them to put him in the brig when Jim was in danger.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy's head ached, and his neck hurt from the blows that he had received from Salean and Seleen. "Igits." He shook his head hoping it would help, only to bring more pain. He knew what would help, but he had no access to pain medication at the moment.

McCoy was once again handcuffed, but this time, his left hand was handcuffed to the table where Jim lay unconscious. Seleen wanted to keep them separated as he did not trust McCoy with good reason, but Salean wanted to keep the doctor close to Jim, in case he needed more medical attention. Salean knew with Dr. McCoy around the chances of Jim's survival increased.

"Jim," McCoy called, but Jim didn't move or respond. He knew Jim was out cold, but that didn't stop him from talking to the person who was once his best friend. "Jim, you just want to give me a heart attack, don't you?" He inquired as he took a look around the room. They were alone in the room to his joy, but he did wonder about the alien doctor. Salean had dragged the alien out of the room, while Seleen had handcuffed him to the table. He knew Salean had most likely killed him.

Shaking his head, McCoy looked down at the hypo in his hand. When he had gotten Jim stable, Seleen had taken the medical instruments from McCoy, including all of the hypos but the one that he had been able to hide in the rim of his pants. The contents of the hypo would kill Jim almost instantly, but McCoy hadn't decided if he wanted to use it yet. This wasn't an easy choice for him. How could he kill his best friend? But how could he allow Salean to continually rape Jim? He didn't know what he should do. He knew he was a dead man no matter what he decided to do.

"Jim," he stated as he moved closer to him. "I'm sorry. I hope you know that. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could protect you…" He exhaled slowly, knowing there was one thing he could do. "Maybe, this hypo is the answer." He closed his eyes. He knew there was a chance that they could be rescued, but didn't know if he could take that chance. "Or maybe, it's not." He hated choices, which was why he was a doctor and not a damn commanding officer.

"B-Bones."

McCoy blinked, as it was barely a whisper. "Jim, are you awake?" He stood up and looked him over. He put a hand to Jim's face and tapped him slightly on the cheek. "Jim."

"B-Bones," Jim muttered again.

He shook Jim's shoulder but he didn't stir. "He must be talking in his sleep." He grabbed Jim's hand and held it tightly.

"D-don't g-go."

"Don't worry, Kid," Bones told him. "I'm not going anywhere." Jim was talking in his sleep and probably couldn't hear him, but McCoy didn't care. "I'll be here to the very end." McCoy glanced down at the hypo. "I'm sorry, Jim, that I'm no help. I don't know what to do. Tell me what you want, please." He glanced toward the door, wondering how long they were going to leave him alone with Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author note: I hoped you enjoyed this. There wasn't much Spock action in this. He will be more involved in the next chapter, which will difficult to write in a sense. I know how the chapter is going to go; however, I am trying not to make Spock so OOC, but I think in stories like this that it will be harder than most as this story is all about emotions...
> 
> And for what Spock said, I am not going to tell you what it means just yet. :)
> 
> You guys got to see Salean in this chapter...As I wrote this chapter, I had to take a few days and decide what I wanted Salean to look. As I never really described what Daleniens looked like, I had to decided what he looked it, which was harder than I thought. I didn't want him to look too humanoid but I didn't want him to look (for lack of a better word) alien. I hope he fit what you guys pictured him.


	18. Regretful Decisions

* * *

Jim's eyelids felt like they weighed a ton and he couldn't open his eyes for more than a second. When he was able to open them, he couldn't make anything out. Everything was fuzzy. He wasn't in pain anymore, which was something that he was glad about; however, his body wouldn't respond to his commands. He could barely feel his body. In fact, he had a sensation that he was floating in some kind of liquid that felt like blood.

Even on the edge of unconsciousness and unable to see, he knew someone had their hand on his. His heart started to beat a million miles per hour because there was only one person who would hold his hand like that and it made him sick. The very thought of Salean touching him made him want to crawl in a hole and die. Jim didn't know what he would do if Salean raped him again. He knew he wouldn't survive it.

He was really regretting that decision to jump out of the car; he should have gone over that cliff. If he did, he wouldn't be in this mess. He would be free from everything… free all of this pain and suffering, because there would be no other way to be free. Even if he did escape from this mess, he would still be trapped in the memories and the pain. He would be still haunted by Salean's face for the rest of his life. He would always have the fear that Salean would take him again and again, and would never be free of that Dalenien. He was too weak live with the fear.

"Jim, relax." The voice startled Jim, because it did not belong to Salean. "You need to calm down. We need to keep your heart rate down." The man paused. "I'm not going anywhere."

As he was trying to obey the voice, Jim's mind wandered back to the hand on his. This hand was too rough to be Salean or his father, who had smooth hands. It also had hair, and neither Dalenien had hairy hands.

"I won't leave you."

The voice sounded familiar. He knew it from somewhere.

"Jim, you have to calm down. Your heart rate is too high."

It also had a familiar accent.

The man's hand left Jim's and travelled to his face. He patted Jim's cheek. "Are you listening?" There was a chuckle. "You never listen to me. Okay, you never listen to anyone."

It was in that second that Jim realized who it was. "B-b," he stated, trying to speak, but his throat was too dry. His lips were cracked and bled each time he spoke. "B-Bones," he muttered through the pain.

"Yeah, Jim. It's me." McCoy's hand left his face and squeezed his shoulder in a sign of support.

Jim could only open his eyes for a split second, yet he was still able to make out a form. Though it was an only a blur, he knew it was McCoy. Why was he here? Jim didn't understand why McCoy was here. Were they safe? Or worse, did Salean get McCoy too? He knew it had to be the latter, as he was injured and needed someone to fix him. "D-don't…" He trailed off unable to speak. It was probably for the best as he wanted to tell McCoy to stay, and if he stayed, it would be a death sentence for him. He couldn't allow that to happen to his best friend…yes, his best friend, even if he wanted to punch his face in. McCoy couldn't die because of him. He was torn between telling him to go and leave him and telling him not to go and stay with him. He was positive that he would lose all sense of his identity and would need Bones here to remind him of that. "G-go," he verbalized as he tried to tell him to go. He couldn't be selfish.

"Relax, Igit. I'm not going anywhere." Though Jim couldn't see or move his head, he could tell that Bones had taken a seat next to him. "Besides it is not like I could if I wanted to," he stated with a chuckle. He rattled something that sounded like chains. "They handcuffed me to the table."

Jim wanted to tell him to pick the lock. It was a losing battle as he was drafting back into unconsciousness, and didn't have the strength to tell his best friend that as he was a fucking coward and didn't want to be alone. It seemed like he would always be the coward that everyone accused him of being.

"Rest, Jim," McCoy stated, knowing him well. "I know you're fighting to stay awake but you need to rest. Once, you are rested, we can escape."

Jim wanted to tell McCoy that he was kidding himself because there was no escaping from Salean. That beast would do anything to keep Jim his prisoner. This situation was proof of it. The only real escape would be death, but Jim would never ask that of Bones, even if he knew the doctor would do that for him. He would never put that burden on McCoy.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim did not know what to do, except going back in time and changing everything, but he couldn't do that. There was nothing that he could do and he refused to accept that. He wouldn't be James T. Kirk, who could succeed at everything if he believed in no-win scenarios, but this time was different. He couldn't win this time no matter what he did. If he gave in to these emotions, emotions that he didn't quite understand, he would lose, because love had always bitten him in the ass. He refused to allow himself to be hurt like that. However, if he didn't, he wouldn't be the only one hurting. He could lose the best damn First Officer in the fleet if he told him no. Why couldn't he just stay together with Uhura? None of this would be happening if Spock did.

Shaking his head, he crossed to the duffel bag on his bed. He was packing for a well-deserved shore leave, which would give him space from his First Officer, who had been eyeing him from a distance. Even from afar, Jim could see the Vulcan fighting with himself to stay away, and it was killing them both. Jim knew Spock wanted to talk to him about the other day in the gym, but they both knew cornering Jim Kirk wouldn't end well. Spock had already tried and failed. They both knew he had to let Jim come to him, which was something Jim was trying to resist.

Swinging the duffel bag over his shoulder, he turned to move to the door, but it opened just as he was about to leave. "Bones," he stated surprised. "I thought I told you I meet you planet side."

McCoy gave him a question look. "Yea, I got that message."

"Then why are you here?"

"I wanted to talk."

"We can talk later," Jim stated as he wanted to get off the _Enterprise_ as soon as possible. He doubted Spock's ability to stay away and he needed some time to think.

McCoy crossed to the bed and sat down. "You know I don't like the hobgoblin, right?"

"I know. You say it twenty times a day," Jim stated, eyeing McCoy. Something was up with his best friend. "So?"

The Doctor took a deep breath. "I don't like seeing you this way."

"Seeing me like what? And what the hell are you talking about?" Jim had no idea what was going on. First, he brought up Spock and now he was asking if he was okay. "I'm fine."

"Just try it, Jim."

"Try what?"

"A relationship with him."

The simple statement took the air out of his lungs. "No, Bones," Jim stated. He could have played dumb, but he wouldn't insult McCoy that way.

"Why not? I see how you feel about him and I hate seeing the Robot acting like a love sick puppy." McCoy shook his head. "I can't believe I'm trying to help that Vulcan." He stared into Jim's eyes, glaring. "Look at what you're making me do!"

Jim exhaled slowly. "He'll get over it eventually. It takes people some time to get over the famous Jim Kirk," he stated with a smile.

McCoy pushed himself up. "I don't doubt that. The question is; how will you get over him?"

"I thought I told you that I don't like him like that."

"Who are you trying to kid, Kid?" McCoy asked, eyeing him with that strange knowing look. "I know what happened in the gym."

Jim's heart started to beat rapidly. "Who said something happened in the gym?" He didn't think Spock would tell him, right? They didn't even like each other.

Not answering him, McCoy said, "You like to put me in awkward positions." He took a deep breath. "Why won't you let yourself be happy?"

"Nothing happened in the gym." Jim lied, "And I am happy."

"Jim."

"I have to go," Jim responded quickly. "My shore leave is ticking." He tried to put on a smile. He didn't need love in his life as long as he had the _Enterprise_ as the ship brought him all the happiness that he needed. Besides, he enjoyed being single. Though it made him sound slutty, he enjoyed being able to sleep around.

"Jim," McCoy called again. Jim didn't listen and couldn't get out of the room fast enough.

*O*O*

This wasn't where Jim thought he would be when he set out this night. This was the last thing that he expected. When he started the day out, he had fun plans in mind, which involved alcohol and a few other activities.

Wanting to have some fun without the nagging Doctor or his protective crew, he had gone out to a bar by himself, and didn't plan on going back to his hotel room alone. He knew what he wanted and needed to do. He wanted and needed to get a certain First Officer off his mind and that would involve a beautiful woman. It didn't take him long to find a hot humanoid alien, and he didn't care that she had a tail or purple skin. It also didn't take long for him to talk her into coming back to his room with him.

The second the door to his hotel room was closed behind him, he had the alien woman pinned against the wall and was lining kisses down her neck. He knew she could easily overpower him with her alien strength, but she allowed him to take control. He kissed her hard as he tried to force to the thoughts of Spock out of his mind. Why in the hell would he be thinking of him when he was about to have sex with a beautiful alien woman? It was pissing him off.

Jim, using all of his skill, was able to get her on the bed with her shirt and pants off. Not long after that, his shirt and pants were off, leaving him only in his boxers. Starting from her lips, he kissed her all the way down to her legs. She groaned and complained that he was taking too long. She didn't want foreplay; she wanted him now. He wanted to get it to her. Oh god, he wanted to give it to her, but there was a huge problem.

From the time that he pinned her to the wall to just then, he had been trying his hardest to become hard, but his pride and joy was floppy. He had no idea of why he couldn't get hard. Sure, he knew alcohol could inhibit one's ability to perform, but he hadn't had that much to drink. Plus, he had drunk way more in previous encounters and had been able to get hard then. He didn't understand why he couldn't now. This alien woman was probably one of the most beautiful women that he had ever seen. So why couldn't he? This had never happened to him before…

What was he supposed to do? Tell her about it? Keep trying? He was hoping he could hide the fact, but she wanted him inside her right then. She wouldn't wait… So, he had to tell her.

When she found out about his little issue, throwing a fit would have been an understatement. After shoving him hard, she jumped off the bed that very second and begin cursing in her native language at Jim, who couldn't care less if he tried. He didn't care that she was throwing his clothes in his face, distracted only a tiny bit when the belt buckle on his jeans slashed his left check. Even with blood dripping down his face, his thoughts were on that stupid Vulcan, who haunted his every thought. Why could he just leave him alone? Why did he have to be thinking about him every second? How can he move on if _he_ couldn't let him?

Only wearing boxers, Jim looked up from his spot on the bed and watched the woman pick up her clothes. He had to give it to her as she had the most remarkable eyes he had ever seen. He would have loved to see them during intercourse as they changed colors with her mood. Right now, they were glaring at him in a bright red color that matched the color of his blood. She still cursed at him while she got dressed. Her tail whipped around with her anger. He wasn't sure what to say to her, and doubted that any words would help.

She glared at him one last time as she slammed the door behind her. Jim could hear her yelling as she walked away.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked himself as he used his gray t-shirt to wipe his bloody check. Dropping the shirt, he allowed gravity to take over as he fell back on the bed. He stared hard at the ceiling, thinking. This was where he lay for next few hours.

"Stupid Spock," Jim muttered. A thought passed through his mind and it popped him right up. "He stated that I was his now and that no one else was allowed to touch me." His fists balled. "He probably did something to me when he kissed me!" That pissed him off. He was going to give that Vulcan a piece of his mind. First, he cornered and kissed him, then he used his mind voodoo to make it impossible for him to get Spock off his mind, and finally, he made it impossible for him to get hard with an attractive woman. Jim refused to believe the next thing that popped in his mind: he wanted to be in a relationship with Spock.

In fit of denial and rage, Jim jumped to his feet, quickly dressed, and headed toward the transporter. He didn't care that half of his face was covered in blood or that there was dried blood on his gray shirt. He was on a mission. He was going to punch Spock's face in.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

There were so many things running through the half Vulcan's mind, and there was nothing that he could do to rid himself of them. He was a failure in every sense of the word. He had failed as a First Officer as he didn't notice his Captain was hurt. He had failed as a friend as he didn't see his friend needed him. He had failed as a lover as he couldn't see his beloved was suffering. He didn't deserve Jim. After all of this was over and he had saved him, Spock would let Jim go like he wanted. He would not be able to stand at a distance and watch like he had told Nyota. It would break him, but he was going to let him go.

However, before he would let Jim go, he was going to make sure Jim was safe and protected, and he was going to kill Salean, as that would be the only way he could ensure Jim's safety. The Dalenien would face all of his Vulcan and human rage, his Vulcan pacifist ways be damned. He had hurt _his_ Jim; he was hurting _his_ Jim at this very second. He was the reason why he was losing Jim, and he would make him pay for that.

The first goal on his list was to find Jim. He was able to 'convince' the transporter room operator to tell him where he sent the Doctor and Seleen. From the beginning, a simple mind meld would have worked in obtaining the information from the operator, but Spock, Vulcan rage beginning to take over, had no interest in easy. This man had helped Seleen and Salean take McCoy. There was also no doubt that he had also helped them take Jim and that was an unforgiveable act in his mind. After the operator was thoroughly sorry, Spock used the mind meld to obtain the information. The operator knew more than Spock had expected.

After being transported down to the exact location that Seleen, his guard, and McCoy were transported to, Spock located tracks and realized the group had used some kind of animal pulled carriage. Though there was an attempt to cover up the tracks, the Science Officer had no trouble following them.

He narrowed his eyes in the direction that the tracks went off in. He had to hurry, because there was no telling what they were doing to Jim, though he knew that it couldn't be anything good. They would not have needed McCoy if Jim was well. Spock had to give it to McCoy, because without the Doctor getting abducted, he wouldn't have come this close to finding his Jim.

Trying to clear his mind, Spock closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. He tried not to think of punishment that he would give Salean and Seleen for hurting his Jim again. He needed to focus on saving Jim.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

After convincing Admiral Komack, Admiral Pike had brought Chekov and Scott into the group. He knew that they would be able to help track Spock, who would be close to finding Jim, as long as the Vulcan kept a communicator on him. Pike knew there were ways to block a communicator signal, making it untraceable. Spock would most likely have disguised the signal, so no one would stop from punishing Salean as he saw fit. This was why he brought in the two _Enterprise_ officers because they could play a key part in tracing the signal and finding Spock. They had to find the Vulcan before he did something stupid.

Chekov and Scotty, who both were stationed in the temporary base in Jim's quarters, wanted to come with Pike and Selek. Pike ruled that out knowing they would do more good in the base. He had wanted Selek to stay behind with them, but the old Vulcan would not hear of it. There was no fighting Selek, who even in his old age could take him with one arm behind his back. Pike allowed him to beam down with the search team. All of them had questions and concerns about Pike coming on this search because of his current disability, but he wasn't going to let the search team go without him. Jim was a pain in the ass, but he was _his_ pain in the ass and he would do anything for him.

Once on the ground, Pike looked around to make sure everything was ready. Komack had asked if they wanted a vehicle, but Pike had turned him down at the advice of Selek, who stated it would be easier to track him on foot as the terrain would not allow for a vehicle. Instead, Selek suggested that they bring along five red shirts, all heavily armed. In the back of his mind he wondered if it would be enough to take on Salean and Seleen, who were both stronger than all of them.

Flipping his communicator open, he radioed Chekov. "Have you been able to track Commander Spock?" he asked. He could see many different tracks in the dirt.

"Sir, Kommander Spock is fiwe clicks southvest of your location and he's moving fast," came the Russian's reply.

"Thank you Chekov," Pike responded. His Russian accent was easy to understand as he spoke slowly.

"No problem." There was some hesitation in Chekov voice. "Vill you be alright, Sir?"

Pike knew what Chekov was referring to. Though he was in shape, he wasn't a young man anymore. His mobility was still hampered from his encounter with Nero. He didn't have the stamina or energy to keep up with the younger officers, but he wasn't going to let it stop him. "I'll be fine," he replied. "Pike out," he stated. He clicked the communicator closed and turned to the group. "Let's get going."

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim didn't remember to put his shoes on when he bolted out of the room and had to run back to his room for them. He ran the entire way from his hotel room to the transporter room. By the time Jim beamed aboard the _Enterprise,_ he was completely out of breath, and shocked the transporter room operator when he appeared on the transporter pad in a frantic state, dressed in his civilian clothes.

His anger was clearly present on his face. "Where's Commander Spock?" Jim demanded from the engineer behind the control panel. If he had been calmer, he might have remembered the Ensign's name, but at the moment the only thing on his mind was Spock.

"Captain, are you okay?" he asked, worry clearly present in his voice. His eyes traveled from Jim's cheek to his shirt. "Doctor McCoy's not on board, but there are other doctors who can assist you, Sir."

"I don't need a doctor." He paused to catch his breath. His hands rested on his waist as his muscles were in a state of protest. "Where's the Commander?" he asked again. After he had regained some of his breath, he stepped off the transporter pad.

"He should be in his quarters as he has just gotten off his shift, but Sir, may I escort you to the sick bay?" he asked.

Jim narrowed his eyes. He could see fear in the Ensign's eyes, but he wasn't sure if he was frightened of him or for him. He had no idea why the officer would be either of those things. Why would he need to go to sickbay? "No, get back to your post," he ordered.

"Yes, Sir."

If Jim was in a caring mood, he might have felt sorry for the Ensign as he looked like Jim had kicked his puppy. This time, he had one goal in mind: finding Spock. Without another word, Jim dashed out of the room and in the direction of Spock's quarters. During the sprint, he had noticed a few looks and stares but didn't put too much thought into them as he knew he must have looked like an idiot running through the halls with his head cut off. He was supposed to be on a shore leave.

When he arrived at Spock's quarters, Jim didn't buzz or alert his First Officer to his presence and barged in, using his override codes. He didn't care that he was probably breaking some kind of regulation, because this wasn't Starfleet related and Spock was not in danger. He didn't care if he got into trouble over this, and doubted that Spock would report him for the incident … Or he hoped so. Besides, the Vulcan started this war first, when he cornered Jim in the gym.

It took Jim a few steps into the room for him to notice that Spock wasn't the only one in the room. Sitting at the desk was Uhura, who was looking at him as if he was going to fall over dead any second. Balling his fists, he tried to control his anger at seeing _her_ in his room. Why in the hell was she in his room _alone_? She didn't need to be in his room. And why did he care? _Because you like him more than you're letting on,_ he told himself. _You wouldn't have kissed him back if you didn't._ He knew he was screwed because there was no denying the truth, but he wasn't going to act on it.

"Captain Kirk, are you okay?" Uhura asked, jumping to her feet. He could hear the uneasiness in her voice.

"I'm fine," Jim snapped. He came here for a reason. This Vulcan had ruined him.

"Captain," Spock stated. "What happened? Were you attacked?"

The voice annoyed the hell out of him. "I'm fine," he stated through his teeth. "You're an asshole, you know that!"

Spock's eyebrow rose. "I do not understand how I am an 'asshole' but that is not important at this time. We need to escort you to the sick bay." His eyes drifted to Jim's check.

"You ruined me, you know!" Jim stated, pointing his figure at Spock. "RUINED ME!"

"Captain Kirk, are you drunk?" Uhura asked, drawing Jim's attention.

"I am not!" Jim protested.

"He does appear to be intoxicated," Spock stepping closer to him.

"I'm not."

"C'mon, Kirk, who are you kidding? If you won't go to sickbay, let's get you to bed," Uhura stated as she moved to him. She reached out for his hand, but he pushed her hand away.

"I want to say this," he stated, turning to Spock. He took a deep breath. "I don't know who the hell you think you are or what the hell you think you know." He took a deep breath. "You aren't special and you know jack shit." Jim had wanted to yell at him for destroying his sex life and haunting his every thought but he didn't want to admit that in front of Uhura. It was embarrassing enough. Seriously, how could he not get hard? "I don't want you. I'll never want to be in a fucking relationship with you. Why in the hell would I want to be tied down to a stick in the mud? A know it all? What happened in the gym was a fucking mistake. A mistake, Spock."

Spock's posture never changed, standing as stiff as ever. "Jim…"

Jim tried to tell himself that he was imagining the flash of pain in Spock's eyes. He tried to tell himself that he was doing the best thing that he could do for Spock, as being in a relationship with him would be pretty damn stupid. Why would Spock want to be in a relationship with him in the first place? He was a player who didn't know what love really was, and it would just end badly for the both of them. The bigger question was why did he want to be in a relationship with his First Officer? He hated relationships with a passion, and he really didn't understand them. "Just stay out my personal life, Spock," he stated as he turned to the door. "We're never going to happen! I can barely stand you now. You th-"

"Kirk, enough," Uhura demanded. The look in her eyes was deadly. "If you're just going to be an ass, just get out."

He gave Uhura his "I'm the captain" look making her back down. Though he felt like an asshole, this was what he wanted. Maybe, if he convinced Spock that being in a relationship with him would be a mistake, he could move on, and be with someone else. _But you know he won't,_ Jim thought to himself as he walked to the door. He remembered the conversion that he had overheard. All of the sudden he felt sick to his stomach. "Just keep that in mind," he said as he left.

Feeling like shit, he didn't pay any attention to the things around him, too focused on how horrible he felt. Not only did he feel like he had killed a puppy, he felt like he lost a part of his soul. He didn't understand why this was hitting him so hard. Although he wasn't happy that he had feelings for the Vulcan, he didn't understand why they were so strong. He just realized his feelings, so how could they go so deep? It scared the hell out of him, because he had never felt anything so strong before. Making Spock hate him wasn't just to protect the Vulcan, it was to protect himself. He refused to admit his fear to anyone.

Shaking his head, Jim entered the transporter room. To stop himself from doing something very stupid, he needed to get off this ship right now. He needed to get away as fast as transporter would allow.

"Ensign, one to beam down," Jim stated, as he glanced toward the Engineer, who still looked frightened.

"Yes, Sir," the Ensign responded, shakily, as he started to type away.

Just as Jim stepped onto the pad, the door to the room opened revealing Spock. Jim had to do a double take as he didn't expect his First Officer to come after him. "Please excuse us, Ensign Morris. I have to speak with the Captain." He only eyed the Ensign for a brief second before studying Jim's shirt.

_What's with everyone looking at my shirt!_ He thought. There wasn't anything special about it. _Haven't they seen me in a tight T-shirt before?_ "There's nothing to talk about, Commander," Jim stated. Why in the hell did he want to speak to him? "I'm ready, Ensign Morris." He was slightly annoyed that Spock knew the Ensign's name when he, as the Captain, was supposed to remember the names of everyone on his ship.

"Leave, Ensign," Spock ordered. His eyes never left Jim.

Jim narrowed his eyes. "Disregard the Commander. Sometimes he forgets his place. I'm ready, Morris."

"Sir," Morris stated. Fear was clearly presented in his eyes and Jim didn't blame him as they were both putting him in a very awkward place.

"I am the Captain of this Ship and I outrank the Commander," Jim stated, glaring. "You will listen to me. Get behind panel and let's go."

"As of right now, Captain, you are on shore leave, which makes me the Acting Captain," was Spock replied. " _I_ am in charge of the _Enterprise_ at this time." Jim could hear the stress on the word I.

Ensign Morris didn't say anything but he kept glancing between the two as he didn't know who to listen to.

Why the hell would Spock want to speak to him after that conversion in his quarters? He thought he had made himself clear. "Morris, leave us for few minutes." It would be better to get this over with and he didn't want to put the Ensign in the crossfire.

Morris left without another word, leaving Spock and Kirk alone in the transporter room.

"I thought I was clear, Spock," Jim stated from the pad. "Why did you follow me?"

"You are injured."

"Why does everyone think I am injured? I'm _fine_! If that is all, Commander, I will be leaving." Jim turned facing the back of the transporter.

"You are covered with blood."

Jim glanced down. He had forgotten that he had used his shirt to wipe his face. "Oh," he stated, noticing the bottom left side of his shirt. "I cut my cheek and I wiped my face with my shirt," he shrugged, understanding all of the looks and concern from his crew. "It's nothing major."

"I must contest. If I am to judge by the amount of blood on your garment and face, the graze is more serious than you are revealing. Please, come with me to the sick bay," Spock asked.

"When I get back to my hotel, I'll let Bones look at it," Jim replied, lying. He wasn't going to see a doctor about a tiny cut and just wanted to get off the ship.

"I do not believe you will, Jim."

Jim turned around and glanced at Spock. "I thought I told you that you didn't know me." He had seen the pained look on Spock's face before, and now he couldn't see it.

Spock took a few seconds toward Jim. "How did you get the cut, Jim?"

"Why do you care?" he asked. He really didn't want to admit the reason to Spock. "Why are you even here?"

"You are injured. I will not leave my Captain when he is injured." He paused as he looked Jim over. "I would also like to know why you think I have ruined you as I do not understand how I have done so."

The real reason why Jim gone to Spock's quarters was to yell at him, but it was too hard to do because it meant he would have to admit the truth. He wanted to make the Vulcan hate him, even if it would do more damage than good. "Spock," he uttered. "I-"

"I desire honesty," Spock demanded. "What you stated in my quarters was a lie, and I did not appreciate it." His voice was harsh and demanding.

Jim's eye twitched. "How would you know that?"

His Vulcan First Officer took another step toward him. "When we kissed, I felt everything, Jim. I felt how much you cared. I felt how much you wanted me. I felt how much it scared you. I understand why, Jim, but I promise that I will not hurt you."

Jim hated promises as he had not met one person who could keep one. "Don't promise me anything," he demanded. "All relationships end."

"Jim, not all relationships end."

"This one will, trust me."

"Maybe, you are the one who should trust me. We are _T'hy'la_. You do not understand what that means." There was _that word_ that Jim didn't understand.

"Yea, you're right. I don't know what it means." He didn't understand why Spock kept repeating that word when he didn't explain its meaning. "Just go, Spock. You have ruined me, and there is nothing else to say."

Spock's eyebrow rose. "Please tell me how I have ruined you?"

Jim's cheeks reddened as he thought about it. Seriously, she was breathtaking and there were so many things he wanted to do with her.

"Jim, how have I ruined you?" he repeated.

"I was with this beautiful woman," Jim started, noticing Spock's shoulder tense. "We were in my-"

"I do not wish to hear about your sexual exploits."

"You said you wanted to know," Jim stated. _Is he jealous? Is he even able to feel jealous?_ Jim asked himself. He had never seen Spock's jealousy, granted he had only seen the Vulcan either stiff or angry. He didn't know what to make of it. "I didn't have sex with her, even though I really fucking wanted to. I couldn't get you out of my mind and was unable get it on with her." Jim motioned to his groin. "God, I wanted to."

Spock looked at him. "You were not able to achieve an erection?"

His face reddened at Spock's sentence. "I bet you enjoy that," Jim stated bitterly. His arms were folded across his chest in annoyance. "Me limp."

"Though I do not enjoy your discomfort, I…" He paused for a second. "…do delight in the fact that you were unable to achieve an erection with anyone that was not I. I do not want you to be intimate with anyone who is not I." He took a few more steps toward Jim, trapping him on the pad.

Spock's voice was deep and… _Shit,_ Jim cursed. What the hell what wrong with him? Really, his penis wanted to come alive now, when he didn't want it to? Spock couldn't see him like this. "It does not change anything." He could imagine what it would be like to have sex with the Vulcan. His long fingers touching him, making him grovel and beg, as Jim was pinned to bed by his Vulcan's strength.

"I see you are 'turned on' as we speak, Jim." Was that a smile on the Vulcan's face?

"So?" Jim tried, but couldn't play it off. It was getting very uncomfortable standing there in his tight jeans.

"I take great joy in seeing you like this," he stated as he cornered Jim. "Why do you protest the truth? Let yourself have happiness."

"I think you are taking too much joy in this," Jim stated as he tried to adjust himself without being obvious, yet it was clear that Spock had noticed.

"I am."

Jim closed his eyes, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle. He knew this was going happen at one point and time, no matter what he did. Both his body and heart was working against his mind. "Fine, you win." He might as well give in and enjoy it, because it was killing him to fight it. "But if either of us feels like this thing between us is dying or anything, we _will_ end it, so we can still be friends after." Though he hoped it would never end, he had to think about a possible ending. He had never been friends with any of his exs, but if Uhura and Spock could do it, he could. "We can't let this hurt the ship."

"If it does and we find we cannot work with each other, I will resign, but this will not happen. You are my _T'hy'la_."

"Will you tell me what that is?" Jim asked as he closed the distance between them. "And no, you won't resign." That was the last thing that he wanted. He would resign before he would allow Spock to.

"When the time is right," Spock asked. He wrapped an arm round Jim as if he was afraid that Jim would change his mind. He placed a kiss on Jim's forehead. "And you are correct. I will not resign as this will last."

Though Jim didn't have blind faith like he did, he was going to go with it. "Just kiss me, Commander," Jim ordered.

"Very well, Captain," Spock answered, kissing Jim hard. After a few minutes of kissing, Spock released him. "You are still on shore leave." He did not move from Jim's side. "Do you still wish to leave or do you wish to stay onboard with _me_?" He had stressed the word me.

"If-" Jim started to speak, but he thought he had heard something. Was someone calling his name? He looked around but he didn't see anything besides Spock, who was eyeing him. "If I don't get back, Bones will notice," he spoke.

Spock looked him over. His eyes paused over Jim's groin, which Jim had noticed. "I am sure he would not mind. If you need me to speak to him, I can."

_Jim. Jim._ There it was again, someone was calling his name. Was it just in his mind? It had to be because Spock didn't seem to hear it. "No, I'm good," Jim stated. A part of him wanted to stay on the ship with Spock and test this new relationship of theirs, but he didn't want to go that fast. He still had his doubts. "Can you beam me down? I think we scared Morris away."

_Jim. Buddy, are you there?_ What was going on with him? Was he going crazy?

"Do you not wish to relieve your erection?" Spock asked. His voice was thick and heavy.

Jim laughed. "I thought Vulcans didn't do the whole sex thing." Though he hadn't put too much thought into Spock's sex or love life, he did wonder about the state of Uhura and Spock's relationship.

"Sex is vital to all life. Though Vulcans do not perform it for pleasure, they do engage in sexual intercourse. It is not as frequent as Humans do," Spock stated, uncomfortable.

Jim let out a chuckle, but it didn't last long as that voice in his head was back. _Jim. Jim._ Shaking his head, he spoke to Spock. "And you are willing to help with this?" He glanced down.

"I am half human," he stated, pinning Jim against the wall. His hand was traveling south. "I want you. I want you every second of every day."

After placing a light kiss on Spock's lips, he rested his forehead against Spock's. "Let's take this slow, Spock." He couldn't believe that said that. He wanted to take this slow? This wasn't normal for him, but if he wanted to make this work, he would need to. "I'll take a cold shower when I get back."

"Understood," Spock stated, taking a step back. "Just as long as no one else touches you."

"Geez, Spock. You're possessive." Jim let out a chuckle.

"I will not share you with others."

"What if I take care of it myself?" Jim joked. He could see the wheels in Spock's head, and he admitted to himself that he loved it. "Just me in the shower, touching myself."

Spock took a small step toward Jim, staring as if he was the most precious thing in the universe. "You are testing my control." His eyes scanned Jim, and the Captain could see the hunger in the Vulcan's eyes. "If you desire to take our relationship slow, I would suggest not making comments like that. Though I have patience, if you keep teasing me, I will not be able control my cravings for you. I have waited an extensive period of time for you."

"Spock," he muttered. The Vulcan knew how to get to him and if he kept talking like that, Jim might just jump him.

His First Officer stared at him, as if he was afraid of letting him go. "I am hesitant to let you go, Jim." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Though it is an irrational emotion that I do not care for, I am afraid. I am afraid to let you go as you might change your mind." There was another long pause. "I would not be able to endure it if you did."

Jim took a deep breath, wondering if he had made the right choice. He had already hurt Spock by rejecting him before. Now, the Vulcan was afraid that Jim would do it again. If he wanted this and he did, he needed to fix that. _You are already ruining this._ "You don't need to worry. I'm yours." He would try his best at this relationship.

"I am glad," he stated as he touched Jim's fingers with his own before he stepped off the pad. He crossed to the control panel and started to type in the coordinates. "Are you ready?"

_Jim._ Jim shook his head. _Wake up!_ "I'm ready."

"Very well."

There was a look in Spock's eyes that Jim could just melt in. He could get use to that look, the look that he was worth something to someone.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy still had the death hypo in his hand, and with each time Salean came in the room to check on Jim, the urge to use it grew. The look in the Dalenien's eyes made him want to both puke and punch Salean's lights out, not that he would do either of those things. McCoy, who had not eaten since he had departed from the _Enterprise,_ had nothing in his stomach to throw up, and Salean was way too strong for Leonard to really hurt him. He was just an ant for Salean to step on, and he would step on McCoy, when he was on longer needed.

Wanting to get his mind off Salean, Leonard turned to Jim and watched his unconscious form. Jim's eyes fluttered, which signaled that he was now semi consciousness and not as deep in his mind as before. It was a good sign, but it worried McCoy for a few reasons. One, the longer Jim stayed unconsciousness, no matter how close to the surface he was, the less likely he would wake up. As some of Jim's injuries had been healed, he should have already woken. He was still badly dehydrated and there was a risk of internal bleeding. And two, if he did wake up, he would have to face Salean and Leonard didn't know if Jim would be able to take that.

"Jim," he called, as he stared at Jim's slow moving chest. It was killing him that he was one of the reasons why Jim was here. He blamed himself, because he had turned on his best friend, when he needed him. If he hadn't done it, Jim might not have left and he might have even told them what had happened. He wouldn't have been vulnerable. Jim would have been protected and Salean wouldn't have been able to get him.

"I'm sorry," McCoy stated for the thousandth time; however, he knew no matter how many times he said it, it wouldn't change anything. To fix this mess, he needed to do something that mattered.

He played with the hypo, popping the cap off and on, as he tried to think of a way out of this place. If he wasn't able to get them both out of this hellhole, did he really want to use the hypo on his best friend? There was a chance that they would be saved, because Spock would do anything to save them… But what if he couldn't save them? McCoy took a deep breath. He told himself that he had to do it and he would if they weren't saved soon. If they got off this planet, he would use it. The likelihood of them being found after Salean had taken them off planet would be very low.

Hearing the door to the room open, the Doctor hid the hypo up his sleeve. "Salean," he agreed, knowing that it would be better to treat him nicely. McCoy had enough bruises from Salean and he couldn't help Jim if he Salean kept hurting him for being disrespectful. "Nothing has changed."

Salean nodded at McCoy as he crossed to Jim. He reached out to touch Jim, but he retracted his hand just before touching him. Instead, he stared at Jim's pale lips.

McCoy was grateful that Salean didn't touch Jim. The last time he did, Kirk had gone into a cardiac arrest and he barely got him back. There was a part of him that wished he had let Jim die, but he couldn't watch his friend die in such pain. With the hypo, it would be a quick death. "What do you plan on doing?" McCoy asked after a few minutes of silence. "We can't stay here." He was digging for information.

Salean turned to him. "We, Doctor? Do you believe you are coming with us?"

"I'm not leaving him," McCoy stated as he nodded toward Jim. "And why wouldn't I? What if he gets hurt? Do you have someone else who can fix him?"

The alien narrowed his eyes at McCoy. "I am no fool. You believe with time that you can escape with _my_ James, and you are trying everything to stay with him." He was glaring at McCoy with such hatred that he thought he would catch fire. "It will not work. You cannot escape."

"If you know my plans, then why am I still alive?" he asked.

Salean's fingers danced along the table, inches from Jim, but he didn't touch the still form. "Because you are correct. I need you, which is why you are coming with us. The second that I feel you are no longer required, I will kill you. Granted, I might need you as long as my James is alive."

The way he said the name James made Leonard want to shove a scalpel into his ears.

"Can I ask you a question, Doctor?"

"I can't stop you," McCoy stated, lifting up his handcuffed hand.

"You should be careful with how you speak to me as I can slaughter you in a heartbeat," he stated as he crossed to McCoy. He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, causing him to yelp in pain. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do," he stated through his teeth. He wished that he could kill this bastard or at least punch him in the face. "What is your question?"

Salean stepped away from Bones and crossed to the door. "Do you think James would ever love or care for me?"

The question shocked Leonard, because he didn't think Salean would even care that Jim didn't want him. If he did, he wouldn't have forced himself on Jim. "Do you want my honest answer?" he asked, not sure why he just didn't lie to him. There was something in Salean's voice that struck him as odd. Did he really care?

"Yes, I do," he answered, looking back at him.

McCoy didn't answer right away, knowing his reply wouldn't be the answer that Salean liked. "He won't. When you raped him, you took something from him. You destroyed him, and there's no fixing that. I don't think he would ever love anyone again." He and Spock had a part to play in that as well, but Salean didn't need to know that.

"He belongs to me. He accepted the stone."

"He's not an object you can own." Jim didn't belong to anyone. "What does a stone have to do with this?"

"It makes him mine as he accepted it. It meant he accepted his place as my partner."

"A stone does not give ownership, you sick assfuck," McCoy cussed. He knew he should not have insulted him as he would get hit for it. "You raped him."

"I did not rape him," Salean snapped back.

"You may not consider it, but Jim does. You forced him to have sex with you," McCoy stated, wondering how batshit crazy this Dalenien could be. "He was with someone, did you know that? He was in a serious relationship. He loved him. You will never compete with that."

Salean glanced at Jim and McCoy could see the longing in his eyes. "Then I shall kill the Vulcan."

"How did you know it was a Vulcan?" Leonard asked, surprised. And did he just send this crazy son of the bitch after Spock? Wait, wasn't this a good thing? It would give Spock a chance to find them, right? Would Spock be able to take this monster? Could the Vulcan win against Salean? He wasn't sure how Vulcan strength could compete with Dalenien strength.

Salean didn't answer him and crossed to the door. "I need to ready the space craft for our leave. Please make sure James is ready for travel." He closed the door behind him without waiting for Leonard to respond.

McCoy stared at the door, knowing that he and Jim were screwed. He needed to find a way out now, or he would have to use the hypo. Glancing over Jim, he got to his feet. "Jim, JIM!" he called, tapping him on the cheek. With each tap, he hit him a little harder. "Jim, I need you to wake up. We need to get out of here."

Shaking Jim's shoulder, Bones tried everything to get Jim up, but he didn't stir. As a Doctor, he knew the likelihood of Jim waking up would be low, but he had to try. "C'mon, Buddy. We need to go. We need to go now." He took a deep breath. "JIM!" He yelled again.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Kirk had never been this happy in his life before and it was strange for him. It was strange that he had nothing to worry about besides the safety of his crew, and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. His life never stayed good for long, and this time, he hoped it would. He had everything that he had ever wanted: a beautiful ship, an amazing crew, an annoying-tell-it-as-was best friend that he wouldn't trade for the world, and an overly protective- okay, wonderful- boyfriend. Yes, he was amazed that he had a boyfriend. He had no idea that the relationship would work so well or even last this long. It felt so right being with Spock, even though his overprotectiveness was very annoying at times.

Jim took a deep breath as he exited the turbo lift and stepped onto the bridge. He heard Chekov yell, "Kaptain on the bridge." It brought a smile to his face, knowing there was nowhere else that he wanted to be.

He nodded toward Chekov as he took a seat in the Captain's chair, his favorite place on the entire ship. "Any word from the outpost?" he asked, turning to Uhura. Jim tried to ignore the empty chair in front of the science station and the feeling that was growing inside of him. It felt strange that Spock wasn't there.

Uhura looked up from her station and turned to Kirk. "No, Captain."

Jim glanced around room, trying to decide what to do. He couldn't sit here and do nothing when there was a possibility that there were people hurt. "Get a search party together and tell them to meet me in transporter room."

"Sir, is that necessary?" Sulu asked as he rotated in his chair. "We don't know if anything happened yet."

After thinking for a few moments, Kirk got to his feet. "That may be true, but I do not like this silence." The _Enterprise_ had been sent to check an outpost that had gone quiet. There had been no communications from the outpost for over a month, and they had not responded to any transmissions. When the _Enterprise_ first arrived, Kirk had sent out a planet wide broadcast with the plan to send a search party if no one responded. Kirk had given them six hours to respond, but two hours in, he decided he couldn't wait and had to go down now.

"Understood," Sulu stated as he rotated back.

"Should I have Spock meet you in the transporter room as well?" Uhura asked, drawing Jim's attention.

Jim knew she didn't mean anything by it, but it bothered him. He didn't need his First Officer to come with him everywhere, even if he did disliked being away from him. "Where's our First Officer now?" Jim asked, refusing to even look at the empty chair. "He's supposed to be on shift."

Chekov turned to Jim. "He's in the science labs, Sir. Something came up, vhich required his attention."

"Does it have to do with the outpost?" Jim asked, wondering why it couldn't wait until after the mission. He knew he had told the crew six hours and Spock had probably decided it would be illogical to sit there for six hours waiting for a response while he could be productive elsewhere. Still, he should be waiting with them on the bridge.

"I don't beliewe so, Kaptain," Chekov responded.

Jim nodded before taking a few steps toward Uhura. "No, Uhura. Let Mr. Spock be," he ordered. He knew full well that the Vulcan wouldn't be happy that he went down with the search team, but he was going to go down. Spock had a belief that a Captain should stay on the ship at all times, where he could be protected; however, Jim didn't believe a Captain should sit back while others put their lives on the line. If he wasn't going to risk his life, how could he ask his crew to do the same? "Sulu, you have the conn."

"Yes, Sir," Sulu stated as he stood from his chair and moved to take the Captain's chair.

"Shouldn't we alert Commander Spock?" Uhura asked. She was eyeing Jim, trying to tell him something through her eyes. "He would like to know about the change in plans." They both knew he wouldn't be happy and she wanted him to think about what he was doing, knowing it would lead to a fight.

Jim stepped toward the turbo lift and shook his head. "If Commander Spock couldn't be here, he must be working on something important, and it would best not to interrupt him." With that, Jim left the bridge and headed toward the transporter room. This was going to start an argument with Spock, and though he hated when they fought, he wouldn't back down. There would be no stopping him from beaming down to the planet. He didn't care what was safer for him. Still, he didn't like how it felt like he was lying to Spock.

He walked into the transporter room and spotted Scotty, who was sitting behind the control panel. "Are we ready to go?"

"As we will ever be," Scotty replied.

Jim nodded and stepped onto the transporter pad with five red shirts. "Everyone's ready?" he asked as he looked at each of them. They nodded to him. "Energize," Jim ordered as he turned back to Scotty.

*O*O*

He really didn't think it would turn out like this… Okay, that was a lie. Jim had a very good idea what would happen, which was why he didn't want to tell Spock. Only an idiot would think nothing would go wrong on a planet that had gone silent. However, he didn't think injuries would be any worse than they already were.

The planet was more dangerous than anyone originally suspected as most of its plant life was carnivorous. Not only did some of the plant life literally bite, they seeped out some type of acid that ate through the outpost's walls and equipment. By the time this was realized, most of the equipment had been destroyed and a few lives had been lost. Once the acid hit the skin, the affects were almost immediate as it rapidly destroyed the skin, and if the antidote was not given soon after, it would be deadly.

Jim could have dealt with that if he wasn't also being attacked by the planet's animal life. If he didn't know better, he would have thought the plant life was coordinating with the animal life to eradicate him. They would have succeeded if one of the outpost officers didn't push him out of the way, but he didn't make it unscathed. One of the creatures had managed to claw him in the chest, sending him to the ground. Unfortunately, he landed in some kind of bush. With quick thinking, Jim ripped off his shirt a second later and was able to save his most of his skin from the acid. A few drops did land on his skin, burning him. It hurt like a bitch, but Jim had played it off as he had lives to save and didn't have time to worry about himself. Once he had the officers inside the outpost, he radioed the _Enterprise_ to beam them up. He, of course, had passed out the second he arrived on the ship from the blood loss.

Right now, Jim found himself in the sick bay getting patched up by McCoy who was giving him the stink eye. "You can't be mad at me for this," Jim stated as he glanced down at his chest. He winced as McCoy cleaned his wounds. The antiseptic the doctor was using on his chest hurt worse than the plant acid.

"I know," McCoy stated as he turned away from Jim. "You were doing what you felt was right, and you were right. You did save lives today." There was no denying that Jim's impatience had saved the outpost officers, who wouldn't have lasted another four hours. "This doesn't mean I have to like it, because I don't."

Jim tried to push himself up but the pain was a little too great. Giving up, he allowed himself to fall back. "So how bad is it?" he asked as he glanced down.

McCoy turned back to him and glared. "Not too bad. I have seen worst; I have seen you worse, you Igit." He picked up one of his dermal regenerators and lowered it over Jim's chest. "Hold still," he ordered.

"I'm trying. That tickles," Jim stated.

"You're a child," McCoy commented. It didn't take long for McCoy to heal Jim's injuries. "I don't want to see you in my sickbay again," he joked as he helped Jim into a sitting position. "But I know you'll be back soon enough." He let out a chuckle.

Jim jumped to his feet and grabbed the black shirt from the end of the bed. "So how pissed is Spock?" he asked, scanning the room.

McCoy let out a loud snigger. "Let's say I'm glad that I'm not dating him."

"So he's pissed," Jim muttered. He knew this was coming, but wasn't ready for it. Ever since they started dating, he hated whenever Spock was mad at him.

"Yes, he's waiting out there for you. He wanted to come in, but I kicked him out while you were out," McCoy stated as he pulled back the curtain. He nodded to Spock, who sitting in a chair near the doors of the sick bay. He was sitting with a straight back with his eyes closed, but everyone knew he was alert.

Jim shook his head and stepped to Spock, knowing he should just get this over with. McCoy didn't go too far to give Jim support if he needed it. Their fights could get out of hand sometimes. "Hey, Spock," he stated with a huge smile. Spock wouldn't be mad at him if he flashed his pretty blue eyes, right? "Doesn't that hurt your back sitting that straight?"

Spock opened his eyes and stood up slowly. "You could have been killed and you are making jests about how I sit?" he asked, annoyance clearly in his voice.

"I thought since we had this fight before, we could just skip it."

"I will keep speaking until you listen."

Jim shook his head and turned back. He glanced toward McCoy who was eyeing him from a safe distance. They both knew how he was when Spock tried to corner him. "Spock," he uttered.

"You forget how important you are to the crew," Spock stated.

It was clear that he wanted to say more but not in front of McCoy. Jim already knew what he wanted to say. He was important to _him_ and Spock didn't want to lose him. "I can't. You won't let me forget." Jim sometimes had a problem of being serious during conversations.

"I thought I stated that I do not appreciate the quips." Spock did his famous Vulcan glare. "You also forget about regulations. A Captain should-"

"Enough," Jim stated, annoyed. "I saved lives. I'm not going to be sorry for that."

Spock's shoulders were tense and it was clear he was losing control of his anger. "Captain-"

"Maybe, if he got laid, he wouldn't be so stuffy," McCoy countered as he turned away to put some instruments away. An angry Vulcan wasn't good.

"Bones!" Jim yelled. "Shut it." He knew he was trying to help, but sometimes the doctor got on both their nerves. Jim took a deep breath as he knew it was the wrong thing to say to the Vulcan, and he could see something in Spock's mind snap.

"The sexual relationship between the Captain and myself is none of your concern, Doctor. Please mind your own business," Spock warned, surprising them both with his tone. He was pissed. "Very, well Captain. I will halt talking about your risky behavior, as it seems you only care about yourself." With that, Spock left the sickbay without another word.

After watching Spock leave, Jim turned to Bones. "Bones, what the hell was that?" he asked.

McCoy stared at him, shock present on his face. "Wait, you and Spock, didn't you, you know…" He drifted off as he didn't want to finish that sentence. He gestured his hands together to symbolize the act.

Bones was heading toward a subject that Jim really didn't want to talk about. "No, we haven't," Jim stated as he eyed McCoy's hands.

"Not that I really want to know, but why?" He closed his eyes as if the images in his head were causing him pain. "He seems like he wants to… I think." He shook his head. "You really can't tell with him." He shuddered. "Dammit Jim, now that image is stuck in my head."

Jim would have laughed if this was a joking matter. He might have gone too far with Spock, and it hurt that he had upset his boyfriend this badly. "I know he wants to. I'm not sure I am ready." He blew out.

McCoy narrowed his eyes. "You, the guy who had so many one-nighters, that you lost count. You, the guy who used to brag about his sexual exploits? You aren't ready?" He took a deep breath as if to think. "Are you afraid again?"

Taking a deep breath, Jim closed his eyes as he couldn't take the look in McCoy's eyes. "I have never loved the person I was having sex with before." There were ways that he could mess this up.

"You love him?" McCoy asked, shocked. "Does he know this?"

It hit him like a sack of bricks. Did he just say he loved Spock? He had never said that about any person; heck, he hadn't even come close to love before.

"You didn't even know, did you?" McCoy asked. His eyes soften a bit.

Jim left out a chuckle as McCoy was right. "I have to go." Jim bolted out of the sickbay as fast as he could. He couldn't wait as he had to tell Spock right now. It also had to be in his or Spock's quarters as those were the only places where Spock would truly be open with him.

*O*O*

He couldn't wait outside of Spock's door for a second and walked straight in without alerting Spock. He found Spock, who didn't look up, on the ground meditating. "Spock," Jim called as he stepped toward him.

"Why did you tell Doctor McCoy about our sexual relationship?" his First Officer asked. There was something in his voice that Jim didn't like. "It is none of his concern."

"I didn't."

"Then how did he know?" he asked as he opened his eyes. He turned slightly toward Jim.

"It's a common joke to tell someone that's a stick in a mud. It's just another way to tell someone they need to relax," Jim stated, trying to explain. Was Spock upset that they hadn't had sex yet? He thought his boyfriend would respect him for wanting to take it slow.

"I do not care for his jokes."

"He didn't mean anything by it." He hoped Spock didn't feel rejected.

Spock stood up slowly and turned. "Am I a joke to you, Jim?"

Jim blinked not sure how the hell they had gotten here. "No, you're not." He hated how defeated Spock sounded at that moment and wanted to change that.

"Then why do you treat me as such?" Spock asked as he crossed to Jim. He stared him down.

"I don't." That was the last thing that Jim wanted Spock to feel like.

Spock exhaled. "If you did, you would not treat me like thus. Do you know how it felt when I learned that you accompanied the search team without even informing me? I found out when I came to the bridge and saw that you were not there. You do not understand how much it affected me." There was a long pause. "The communication silence was unbearable as there was no way to confirm if you were well, and when I discovered you were hurt, I…" He didn't finish.

"Spock," Jim stated. He felt like shit.

"Then McCoy would not let me see you, and I feared the worse. I felt as I did when… I lost my mother." Spock reached out to touch Jim but he pulled back at the last second. "I understand why you risk your life, Jim, but when you do, you do not take in account my feelings." He paused. "I know you will not change your ways, but please, be careful," he begged. "I do not know what I would do if I were to lose you."

Was Spock begging? That was unexpected and it just made him feel worse. "I'm sorry. I forget sometimes. I am not used to this," Jim stated as he reached for Spock's arms. "I'm sorry."

Spock reached up to Jim's face and traced his cheek. "Jim." Jim pulled him closer and kissed him hard. He would show how much Spock meant to him. "Are you sure?" he asked as he held Jim tightly, so Jim couldn't get out of his arms.

"I love you, Spock," Jim stated after he had kissed him again. "I just never made love before and I was scared." He was feeling scared right now but was okay with it as long as it kept his relationship healthy. "I want you," he stated as dirty as he could muster. "I need you."

Spock's response was in Vulcan. Just the sound of Spock's deep voice brought heat to Jim's face. The look in Spock's eyes made him want to melt. "Taluhk nash-veh k'dular." If Jim had any idea of what he said, it wouldn't have mattered. It was still a huge turn on, though he would ask about it later. Jim didn't have time to think as Spock had him against the wall in seconds with his shirt off. He didn't even know how that had happened, but he didn't care.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Spock tried to keep focused on the task at hand of finding Jim, but his mind kept drifting to all of the good moments. He remembered the first time they had intercourse and it had been more than Spock could even comprehend. Jim had given himself fully to Spock, which he had never done before, and he had trusted him with his whole self. It pained the Vulcan to know that he had destroyed Jim. Even if by some remote chance Jim forgave him, they wouldn't have what they had before, and though he would not like it, Spock would accept it, if Jim was safe and protected.

Dropping to his knees, Spock felt the imprint on the ground. It was faint, signaling how much of a head start Salean had, but he did not let that phase him. He would have no problem tracking Seleen and Salean, and he hoped he wouldn't be too late. He didn't know what Salean was doing to Jim, but he knew it wasn't good. His only thought was to see to it that the Dalenien was punished for it. Though he would not mean to kill him, Spock would not know what he would do when he saw him.

It had brought out so much rage in him when he thought about Salean with Jim. Though he was partly to blame, Salean had taken his beloved from him. Jim had meant everything to him and Salean had destroyed it. Not only had he taken his life (Jim was his life), he was hurting him; he was making Jim suffer. Spock knew if he didn't save Jim, Salean would devastate Jim and leave only a shell. The Vulcan couldn't let that happen.

After following the tracks for twenty minutes, Spock arrived at a rundown building with partially collapsed walls. On the walls that were still standing, vines of different shades of green and brown covered them. The windows were shattered, making the building look abandoned, but Spock knew it wasn't. Hidden in the bushes was an old fashioned carriage, which he assumed was used to transport both Jim and McCoy to the base. Taking out his phaser, Spock slowly advanced to the door and pulled it open without trouble. Before entering, Spock glanced down at his weapon to make sure it was set to stun. Though it would be more useful in kill mode, Spock would not kill Salean with a phaser. If Salean would to die, it would be by his bare hands. He wanted to see the life drain from his face as he executed him.

Did he just make up his mind? Was he going to kill Salean for what he did to Jim?

Closing his eyes for a second, Spock exhaled as he tried to clear his mind. He couldn't be this irrational when Jim's life was on the line. Jim was _the_ most important thing at the moment and he couldn't allow his emotions to be clouded. Forcing himself forward, Spock kept his phaser up, aimed in front of him. With every step he took, Spock could tell he was accurate in his assessment. This building was not abandoned. It had appeared that only the outside of the building was falling apart, as the interior appeared to be well kept up.

After a few minutes of quietly moving through a hallway, Spock found himself in a large room, and he wasn't the only one in the room. There on the other side sat a sleeping brute, who looked too large for the chair that he was sitting in. His face and hands were disfigured with many scars, and his skin was blemished with different shades of blue and purple. His wardrobe, if they could be called that, was ripped and torn and looked like they were seconds away from falling off. For a moment, Spock thought about this alien and what he could possibly get from kidnapping his Captain. He did not look Dalenien, as his skin was not ghostly white. What was his motive in helping the Daleniens? How much currency did he think he would get from kidnapping his _T'hy'la_?

Spock kept his phaser trained on the alien, as he played with the idea of switching it to kill. This beast, as he could only be a beast, had taken something very precious from him and had given him to Salean, who could be doing horrible things to him. The Vulcan's blood was boiling just thinking of it, and it had been that thought, which made his decision against switching it to kill. Only one beast deserved that and that was Salean.

Seeing the alien twitch, Spock fired not giving him a chance to wake up. Though Spock knew he could probably outsmart the thug in a fight, he did not have the time to waste. He needed to find Jim. He eyed a Dalenien before he crossed the room to the door next to the unconscious man, but it was blocked. There stood Seleen, who was glaring at him, and Spock finally understood what Jim meant when he said 'if looks could kill'. "Where is Kirk?" he demanded.

Seleen's starch white hand was wrapped around a tube like weapon. "How did you find us?"

"It does not matter how I found you, though it was not difficult. Where is Kirk?" Spock asked again. He would have his answer even if he had to force it out of Seleen. Nothing would keep him from Jim.

Seleen took a step toward him. "You speak as if he is yours. He is not. He belongs to my son." The tube weapon was at his side.

"Kirk is not an object that you can possess," Spock countered. It angered him to hear Jim referred to as an object, because Jim was no object. What made Jim special was his inability to be controlled and Spock would not allow that to be taken from his former Captain. "As you have not answered my question, where is Jim Kirk? Though I do not like to kill, I will not hesitate to slaughter you if you keep me from him." He switched the standard Starfleet phaser to kill.

This was not lost on Seleen, who only smirked. "I thought Vulcans were a peaceful race."

"You would be correct; however, we will kill if needed." Spock took another step toward him. "And I am only half Vulcan." Though he disliked admitting the truth, it was who he was, and it was one of the reasons why Jim had fallen for him. His mind drifted a bit as he thought about Jim's love and how he didn't deserve it.

"You love James."

"It is of no matter to you," Spock answered, taking yet another step. He did not understand why he could not just shoot this Dalenien. He did not need the alien, even if he could be very helpful in finding Jim.

"And James loves you."

"Kirk does not love me," Spock stated. There was no way that Jim could after what he had done.

Taking a step forward, Seleen raised his weapon. "James is in a deep coma. Salean and your human Doctor McCoy do not know if he will wake. However when he is close to consciousness, he utters your name. Neither my son nor I can deny that he calls your name, because he holds you close to his heart."

Spock did not know if Seleen was lying or not, but it did not matter what spot Spock held. He did not deserve it. He deserved nothing. "Where is Kirk?"

Seleen began to circle him. "It does not matter where he is as you will never see him again." He paused. "If I kill you, James will return my Salean's love."

The Vulcan felt himself growl. The Dalenian did not deserve Jim's love, which could transcend life itself, and he would not let him force Jim to give it. It wasn't something that could be taken. It had to be earned. "Even if you do kill me which will not be as easy as you may think, Jim will never love the beast who raped him."

"We will have to see," Seleen responded as he charged Spock.

"We will," Spock stated as he fired.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

As he was accustomed to the fights, Jim was expecting this one. "Spock, I'm doing this," Jim stated as he was packing his bag.

"It would be unwise to go down to Dalenius alone," Spock stated as he blocked the door. "And if you keep insisting on going, I will stop you."

Jim turned and eyed Spock, wondering what was going through his Vulcan head. "I'm not going alone. Chill, Spock." Jim put on a huge smile, knowing it could melt Spock's composure. Jim had come to learn that he could get Spock to do almost anything in the privacy of his quarters just by batting his eyes. Outside of his quarters or in the presence of others, Jim couldn't get any type of emotion out of the Vulcan, unless it was annoyance. Vulcans were an extremely private race who would not get intimate in front of anyone who was not his or her bondmate. "I will have officers with me."

Spock, with his arms folded behind, took a step toward Jim. "As you do not have security officers with you, I request that I go with you."

Throwing his bag over his shoulder, Jim crossed to Spock as he kept an eye on the door. "I need you here, Spock."

"Both Officers Sulu and Scott can handle the ship, Jim," his First Officer stated as he reached his hand to _his_ Jim.

There was something in Spock's voice that struck Jim as weird. "You are worried, more so than usual. Why?"

Spock pulled Kirk close, pressing his body against his. "I do not like this race."

Jim took a deep breath. "I never heard you talk like this. What's going on?" Spock, who was always quick to list his objections, had never expressed a dislike of an entire race before even meeting them. His Vulcan glanced over him before kissing him hard. "Not that I mind kissing, but what's going on?" he asked as he pulled away.

"I do not want you to leave."

"This isn't very Vulcan of you," Jim stated.

"With you, I do not care to be such." His fingers traced Jim's face.

Jim laughed, knowing what Spock meant by that, but sadly he didn't have time for that. "I like when you let go," he stated, running his hand through Spock's neat and tidy hair. He loved messing up Spock's perfect hair. "But I still have to go. They're waiting for me in the transporter room." Jim broke free of his lover's arms and side stepped him.

"I must insist that either I come with you or you stay and let the Admiral deal with this. You are not needed."

"They have requested that I personally attend," Jim stated as he headed to the door.

"Then I shall come with you," Spock replied.

Jim exhaled. He had no idea what was going on with his lover, but he didn't have time for this. "Either you tell me what this is about or I am leaving, Commander," he stated, putting on his Captain Voice.

"I am… worried."

Narrowing his eyes, Jim looked him over. "Are you feeling okay? You just confessed to an illogical emotional."

"Bond with me, Jim."

Jim's heart started to beat rapidly. "When you say bonding, do you mean the Vulcan equivalent to marriage?" Jim asked as he started to freak out. He wasn't ready for marriage just yet. That level of commitment scared the shit out of him. Human marriage was one thing. It could be broken, unlike a Vulcan bond.

"Yes, Jim."

"Are you crazy?" Jim muttered, almost regarding saying it, as he noticed the look on Spock's face.

Spock took a step toward. "I understand you are scared, but this is right. We belong together."

Exhaling slowing, Jim turned from him. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I do not understand."

Jim closed his eyes before turning back to him. "Why are you asking me this? Why right now? Are you trying to stop me from going? If that is the case, no, I won't bond with you." His fists were balled. Though he had never thought himself as the marriage type, it pissed him off that Spock would use it to stop him. He must have known what it would do to him.

"If I was trying to stop you, why would it matter? Regardless of the reason, I want to be bonded with you."

"Really? What does it matter? Really, Spock?" If Spock couldn't see why it was an issue, there would be no point in telling him.

"Are you rejecting the idea because you are scared? Do you not want to be in an intimate relationship with me?" Spock asked. "Are you trying to find a way to terminate our relationship?"

His anger was starting to get the best of him. "After all of this time, you're still expecting me to fucking leave? I have given you everything. I have given my heart and soul to you and you have the balls to think that. Well, fuck you!" Jim stated. "You have some nerve. You're only asking me, because you want to stop me. Is this a way to control me? To make me listen to you? Because I won't!" With each passing second, Jim anger grew.

"That is not accurate."

"Whatever, Spock. I have to go." With that Jim stormed out of his quarters and did not stop no matter what he heard from Spock. If he were to stay, he would say something that he would not be able to take back.

*O*O*

Jim hadn't spoken to Spock since he had stormed out of his quarters, and he had been successful in keeping the Vulcan out of his mind for two days. However, on the third day, Jim caught sight of something that reminded him of his pointy eared lover and he couldn't keep Spock off his mind. _Damn that musical instrument!_ Though not many people knew it, Spock could play a few instruments, and Jim had spent many hours listening to him play the Vulcan lute. At times, he would watch his fingers while he performed. _DAMN IT!_ He _needed_ to get him out of his mind, as he wouldn't be able to focus during the mission.

Throughout the whole dinner and conference, Jim couldn't get Spock's proposal out of his head. Did he really mean it or was it just a way to stop him from beaming down? Was it an attempt to control him? He didn't know was going through Spock's mind, but knew thinking about it wouldn't help him. Instead, he tried his best to pay attention to the issues at hand. He had important things to do and he couldn't do that with Spock on his mind.

Somehow, Jim had been able to make it through the discussion without looking like he had gotten into a fight with his boyfriend and was heartbroken about it… Was he still his boyfriend? He had no clue. Did that fight count as a breakup? Jim wasn't sure as he never really had to breakup with someone. But did he want to end his relationship with Spock? He knew that answer in a heartbeat. No, he didn't, no matter how pissed off Spock made him. He loved that stupid Vulcan, more than anything else in the world, and yes, that scared the shit out of him.

Arriving at the room that he would be staying in while on Dalenius, Jim took a deep breath as he peeled off his command gold shirt. He took the communicator out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment before deciding he would call the _Enterprise._ He needed to talk to Spock and get the whole thing straightened out, because if he didn't, there might not be any relationship to fix. Just as he flipped it open, there was a knock on his door. Jim wondered for a second if he could pretend that he didn't hear it, but it was just too loud. There would be no way that he could.

Flipping the communicator close, Jim headed to the door. As he put on a smile, he opened the door, expecting either the Admiral or Ambassador, being the only people who would have reason to knock on his door. To his surprise, it was a Dalenien. "Oh, hi," Jim answered coming face to face with Salean. Jim barely remembered his name, having only talked to him once a few hours ago. He did know that Salean was Seleen's son, and Seleen was a very important councilmember. Trying not to be rude, Jim smiled and asked, "How can I help you, Councilmember Salean?" He hoped he was saying his name correctly.

"I wish to speak to you. May I enter?" Salean asked.

Jim eyed Salean, knowing something was up, but ignored his instincts. He didn't want to talk to him, having other more important people to speak to. He wanted to say that they could talk later, but he couldn't tell him no. He could not risk upsetting the council. _Damn, I wish I read that brief Uhura gave me more carefully._ "Sure come in," Jim stated, moving to the side. He eyed the large stone in Salean's hand. It had a strange colored leaf tied to it. What was the point of that?

Salean walked pass him and Jim closed the door behind him. "Thank you, James."

Jim's eyes twitched. He hated to be called James as it made him sound like a child. "So what can I help you with?" he asked as he watched Salean placed the stone on the table. He made sure the leaf was facing Jim.

Salean watched him with a creepy smile. "Do you like the stone? It is my gift to you."

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

The hypo in McCoy's hand was uncapped and was inches from Jim's neck. McCoy had waited to see if someone would find them before Salean had them across the universe, as it would be less likely that they would be found after that, and there were be fewer times McCoy would be able to use it. He would not allow Jim to suffer anymore. However, as they got closer and closer to the time that they were scheduled to leave, McCoy's hope was dying. He thought Spock would have found them by now, but he wasn't sure anymore.

McCoy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as he couldn't believe he was about to do this. Was he really going to kill his best friend? Could he kill his best friend? No, he didn't-wouldn't let Jim suffer, but he didn't know if he had it in him to kill him. How could he ever kill him? This man had saved him after his divorce from his evil ex-wife, and though Jim had made his life a living hell, he had given him something that no one else could. Jim, who knew all of his secrets, didn't leave him or judge him… That thought made him feel like a bigger asshole for turning on Jim. How could he even do that in the first place?

Shaking his head, McCoy opened his eyes and glared at the hypo. He had to do it, and he had to do it now, because there was no telling when Salean would be back. "Jim, I guess I should say my good byes, right?" He asked. He could feel the tears start to form in his eyes. "I already said I'm sorry, but I'm going to say it again. I'm fucking sorry, Jim. Though I know it won't help, if I could take it back, I would. I would give my right arm to take it back."

He eyed Jim's face, trying to take in his sleeping face one more time before he was gone. Jim's face was still a multicolored mess, though McCoy had wiped off most of the blood. Knowing Jim, he would have given it his all in that fight against that brute. Jim, who would not have gone down easy, would have fought like hell. "Though there is no chance that I could fix us, I wish I had a chance. I would do anything." He took a deep breath. He would do anything to win Jim's friendship back, and if Jim told him to fuck off, he would after he had made sure Jim was okay. He wouldn't leave Jim if he wasn't. "Jim." He knew why he was rambling because he was trying to put it off. "I think it is time….I don't want it to be time." The tears flowed down his face.

Blowing out, McCoy brought the hypo to Jim's neck. "I will miss you, Buddy," he stated. "You-" The door flew open, startling McCoy. In shock and surprise, he dropped the hypo before he was able to inject Jim. "Fuck," he muttered as he couldn't spot the hypo on the darkened ground.

"Time to leave," Salean stated.

"What?" McCoy stated as he tried to feel for the hypo with his foot.

"It is time to leave," Salean stated as he picked up McCoy's medical bag. He set it on the end of the table that Jim was on. "Is he able to travel?"

"Of course not!" McCoy snapped, trying to take a step toward Salean. He wasn't able to move more than a foot, but unfortunately, he was able to move enough to kick the hypo away. He was lucky that Salean didn't notice it fly across the floor. "He's not stable enough to travel."

Salean looked at McCoy before scrutinizing Jim. "We do not have a choice."

"You are-" A loud sound rocketed throughout the base and McCoy instantly knew what had made that sound… a phaser. God, he hoped Spock found them, but would he be in time? What if it wasn't Spock who fired? What if he was fired upon and what if he was dead? Salean's roar had brought him back to reality.

"We do not have time for you to think, Doctor," he snapped. "Let's go." He gave a table a hard push.

McCoy had the urge to stand his ground and not move in the hopes of giving Spock more time, but he knew that wouldn't do anything. Salean would simply force him to move and he couldn't fight back. There was no doubt that Salean would kill him if McCoy didn't comply, and Leonard would not leave his best friend. "Okay," he stated, trying to see if he could locate the hypo.

"You are behavior is improving, Doctor. I am pleased."

If he wanted to get hit, he would have laughed. He was behaving so Jim wouldn't suffer alone. "For Jim, I will do anything," he replied as putting his hand on the table.

"Good, let's get going. Our craft is through those doors," he stated as he pointed to the doors opposite from the door that the Salean had entered through. "We do not have much time."

"What about your father, Seleen?" McCoy asked, trying to give their savior more time.

Salean looked down. "We are leaving without him. He will reunite with us later." He looked up again and pushed the table ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have an question, what are your thoughts about me going into detail about Jim's rape? As you know, Jim is going through his memories as he is in a coma. The last memory I showed you was Salean giving him a stone. I am going to show bits of that horrible night, but I wonder how detailed I should go with that one memory. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by going too detailed. Please let me know what you think.


	19. Living Nightmare

He had felt anger before, but never anything like this. Not even his mother's death brought out this much anger in him, and he didn't want to admit it scared him. It scared him that he had this much hatred for another life form. A Vulcan, no matter full or half, should not be feeling this level of hatred. They should not desire another life form to suffer a slow painful death. But then again, a Vulcan, full or half, should not fall in love and one should especially not fall in love with a human. However, Spock had never been very good at being Vulcan, no matter how hard he tried. He was always too emotional for those around him, who took great pains to make him show it.

Growing up never being taught how to deal with these feelings, he didn't know how to react to them, so he tried his best to hide them instead of embracing them for the treasure that they were. In an effort to be like any other Vulcan, he locked his feelings away and threw himself into the pursuit of knowledge, but no matter what he did, it wasn't enough. He was too human for his father and too Vulcan for his mother. After years of torment he came to the conclusion that he no longer stay on Vulcan.

Going to his Mother's home planet did not aid him. It was far different than what he had been expecting. He had expected to be overloaded by their discernible, rowdy, untamed emotions, but never thought that he would be considered as such an oddity on Earth, where the Federation and Starfleet were headquartered. In large cities, he could not walk down a street without crossing paths with another species, which looked less humanoid than he did, yet, he was the _outsider_. He was the stranger everyone stared at. He was the one that they called the emotionless robot. It took everything he had to ignore them.

He realized that he did not really fit in anywhere, and it was that thought that weighed heavily on him, at times nearly overpowering him. As he could not change who he was, he acted like emotions did not exist and tried to demonstrate to everyone that he did not need their approval or understanding. He tried to distance himself and show that he was not like them. He tried to show them that he was intelligent and worth something, but at the same time, he wanted to be the emotional robot that they thought him to be.

Spock went through the Academy that way, and for a while, it worked. Everyone marveled at his intelligence and offered praises to him that he told himself he did not need. No one made any attempts to befriend him, which was what he wanted as he could not risk being compromised. It worked for a while, but when his path crossed with Christopher Pike, his plan started to unwind.

The then-Captain Pike would not let him, always checking on him, making sure he was alright, and refused to take no as an answer. In the end instead of fighting him, he allowed him a small window, which Pike used on a regular basis. It was an annoyance, but also a comfort as he knew Pike saw him as more than just a Vulcan. This was why he wanted to serve under Captain Pike. His friendship had opened him up to the idea of something else.

Even with Captain Pike on his side, the half Vulcan was still known as the cold heartless robot on campus that scared cadets and even a few professors. It didn't bother him that people thought of him as scary and heartless, and he considered that a compliment. He saw no point in friendships. He told himself that he did not need love or affection, which he saw quite often on campus. Not only was it highly inappropriate, it was also highly illogical. He did not understand the point of being emotionally compromised by someone. What was the point in showing one's feelings in public? Shouldn't those intimate moments only be shared by the couple? He did not understand the point in displaying those moments with others. Love was a weakness that he would not allow himself to have.

However, then-Cadet Uhura did not like that idea and did everything she could to get him to notice her. Though it had taken her awhile, she had won him over and they began a relationship. She flowed well with him with her bright mind and clever thinking. Though she was not a Vulcan, Uhura was proper and well-spoken just like any Vulcan. For a while, he thought that she was the one he was meant to be with, but he soon realized something was missing. Even though the relationship did not last, he still held her close to his heart as a friend. She had shown him something that he did not think was possible and he was forever grateful to her, because she made it possible for him to love. She had taught him that it was okay to feel his emotions, not fear them. It made it possible for him to open up to Jim.

Unlike Uhura, who impressed Spock from the beginning, from the second he had seen Jim, the man angered and frustrated him (though he would not admit that aloud). Jim had no concern for rules and took great pleasure in breaking them. There was no logic or reason to Jim, who refused to listen to anything and seemed to like testing his restraint. He pushed his buttons at every turn. It took everything he had not to lose his composure when dealing with Jim. It was worse when Jim became the Captain, and there were times that Spock had thought of transferring to another ship. Admiral Pike denied all of his requests, insisting that he stay a little longer. Despite his misgivings, he stayed.

As he got to know Jim, he had learned that there was something more to the rule-breaking Kirk. There was heart, courage, and an overwhelming loyalty in Jim that no one could attest, and those were the traits that he admired. He also had this innocence about him that drew Spock to him, as he had a way to look through one's appearance and see his or her soul. He had the power to look pass grievances and forgive those who would not. Those were the reasons why Spock had stayed, and those were the reasons why he had found himself spending more and more time with Jim. Though it annoyed Uhura that he was spending less time with her, he found that he did not care, as he learned that he would rather be with the frustrating Jim than the relaxing Uhura. It was that reason why he broke up with Uhura.

At first, he had no interest of being in a romantic relationship with Jim as their friendship was rewarding enough for him, but yet as the months went by, Spock found himself wanting something more. It scared him to think that he wanted to be the only one with Jim, the only one Jim turned to. As much as he wanted it, he didn't know what he would do if Jim didn't want a relationship. After getting over his own fears, he courted Jim, and though he had nearly lost hope towards the end, Jim had agreed. At that moment, Spock was filled with a feeling of happiness that he had never felt before.

During their time together, he had come to learn real love, and though Jim had the power to drive anyone insane, there was nowhere else he would rather be. With Jim, he had total acceptance and unconditional love, which was a feeling that Spock could not even begin to describe.

His heart constricted when he thought about how it all came to an end, and he had no one else to blame but himself… Wait, that wasn't completely true. He had Salean and Seleen to blame for taking Jim away from him. They were the reason why he had lost everything after they had destroyed Jim. They had taken away Jim's innocence and turned him against the world, which was unforgivable in Spock's eyes.

Somehow, Spock had managed to overtake Seleen in the fight and had the Dalenien pinned to the ground. Spock looked into his eyes, trying to find any kind of remorse, but found none. All he saw was violence and hatred from Seleen, who didn't regret any of his actions. There was no doubt in Spock's mind that he would do everything again if given the chance but he wasn't going to let him. Raising his fist up to knock the Dalenien out, Spock saw his mouth move, but the sound was lost as he tuned out the world.

When a sickening smile appeared on Seleen's face, something in Spock's mind snapped. Why was this foul thing laughing? He had no right after he caused so much suffering.

With no care of restraint, Spock's fists flew, using him as a punching bag. With every hit, he thought of Jim and the hell his Captain went through and was still going through. This beast and his son had left behind a shell of a man, who had no idea of who he was anymore. Jim had lost his fight, his will, and more importantly, he had lost a sense of who he was and where he was going. He was living life with no purpose. He had lost everything he admired that made him James T. Kirk, and the Vulcan would not stand for that.

Spock couldn't get the image of how Jim looked when had last seen him out of his mind. When he had run into him at the event, he had used all of his Vulcan control not to gasp at the sight. The sparkle was gone from Jim's beautiful blue eyes. His face was pale and devoid of his usual cheerfulness while his hair was dull and limp. He looked like he had lost a lot of weight and was shrinking. It was that image that kept his fists flying even as he felt bone breaking beneath them.

When Spock pulled back his hand, it was covered in Seleen's white blood, which made him looked down at the Dalenien. He was unconscious and barely breathing, but the Vulcan couldn't find himself to care. He wanted, no needed, to make him pay, because not only had he stolen everything from Jim, he had taken something important from Spock. He had spent his whole life as an outsider, but when he allowed himself to love, he found a home in Jim, and now, that home was gone. While he knew he had to share in the blame, he didn't care. Seleen and his son were going to pay for creating the situation, for hurting Jim, and for all their hideous acts.

He raised his arm as he readied himself to strike him again. The human and Vulcan halves of him were ready to release his full rage.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Admiral Pike's nerves were getting the best of him. They were taking way too long to find Spock, and with each passing second, it was less likely that they would find the Vulcan in time. It should have been a comfort that a Vulcan was in the pursuit of Seleen and Salean, as Vulcans were always controlled and relaxed. They would not kill them if it was not required. At least it should have brought some comfort, but Pike held no belief that Spock was acting logically at this moment. He had doubts that Spock was acting rationally, so it was a relief when he spotted an old rundown building. "Commander Scott, is Mr. Spock in the building in front of my location?" he spoke into his communicator.

"He should be, Sir," Scott responded.

"Thank you, Mr. Scott," Pike stated as he flipped the communicator closed. He turned back to Selek and the five red shirts. "Are we ready?" he asked them.

Selek stepped forward. "It matters not if we are ready, as Jim cannot wait any longer, Admiral."

"True," Pike stated as he knew Selek was right. Though he did not know if Spock's strength could compare to the Daleniens, he knew the Vulcan would let nothing stop him from saving Jim. If he had to kill to protect Jim, that would be one thing, but if he killed for revenge, it was another, and Pike could not let that happen. Revenge killing would destroy his career and his life would be over. He knew Jim's life was on a line, which meant there wasn't any room for emotion. He just hoped that they made it in time to stop Spock from destroying his future.

Taking a deep breath, Pike and the search party worked their way through the building. Not knowing the building's stability made their progress ungodly slow. Even at their reduced pace they could hear cracking in the walls. Pike couldn't risk any of his men.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

When they finally got through the hallway, they were shocked by the scene that awaited them. A large man was hunched over in a small chair with a burn mark across his chest from a phaser shot. For a second Admiral Pike thought he was dead, but a closer look proved his chest was moving slightly. It proved to be the least of his worries. Phaser scorch marks tarnished the walls, while blood, which he recognized as both Vulcan and Dalenien, was splattered across the room. He didn't have time to process the scene before his eyes zeroed in on Spock at the far side of the room.

He couldn't believe the sight of the Commander, who was totally disheveled. His blue formal uniform was ripped in several places and was covered in both his and Seleen's blood. There were more of the green and white liquids smeared across the skin of his face and hands. It made him almost forget that it was Spock who was the aggressor as Seleen was on the ground. Seleen, who didn't look alive, had been battered to a pulp. Blood oozed from multiple cuts and lacerations across the Dalenien's body, and the bone in his right arm had snapped and pierced through his white skin.

"Spock," he yelled as he noticed the Vulcan's hand rise. He knew what that meant. Spock was ready to kill Seleen, and if he did that, Pike would have no choice but to stop him. Seleen was the bad guy in this situation, but he was unconscious and unable to defend himself. It would be murder.

"Spock," he called again, when the Vulcan didn't acknowledge him. He had to do something, because the Vulcan wasn't listening and there would be stopping him if he didn't stop himself. "Commander Spock, put your fist down," he ordered. If they had to stop Spock by force, their chances of finding Jim would be slim.

The Vulcan didn't move.

"Spock," Pike stated again as he started to cross to him. Before he could take a second step, Selek grabbed his shoulder. "Selek," he uttered, giving a questioning look.

"It would be best if I approached him, Admiral. He is not in the right mind, and you will not be able to reason with him," Selek stated as he walked pass Pike. Selek kneeled down next to Spock, who didn't even look up. The younger Vulcan was focused on Seleen; his hand still poised to strike. The older Vulcan began to speak in their native language, " _Spock, tash-tor tu."_

The one-sided conversation went on for a few minutes as Selek tried to reach him.

Pike narrowed his eyes as Selek continued to speak to Spock in their native Vulcan. He knew it was the best way to reach the Commander, but he wished he knew what Selek was saying. It was another reminder that he needed to learn the Vulcan language.

Taking a deep breath, Spock glanced at Selek before dropping his fist. He replied back to Selek in Vulcan, and slowly began to rise but stopped when he notice Seleen twitch. His fist balled again, causing the five red shirts to ready their phasers that had been set to stun.

"Jim would not want this," Selek stated in English. He hesitated for a moment before placing his hand on Spock's shoulder.

Spock glanced at him. " _Vravshau Jim_ ," he stated. He gazed hard at the older Vulcan. He stared at his eyes for a few seconds before he spoke. "We do not have time to waste, Admiral," he stated as he turned back to Pike.

Pike stared at both of them in amazement. "Correct, Commander," he responded. It was then that he noticed something on Spock's shirt. In the location of where a human heart would be, it appeared that Spock had been shot and the wound was still bleeding. "Spock, are you okay?"

"The wound is not major. My heart is not in the same location as the human heart," he replied, trying to convince the Admiral that he was not seriously injured. Blood was dripping down his left side. "We do not have-" Spock didn't finish his sentence as Seleen flinched.

Pike eyed Seleen before he turned to the red shirts. He pointed to two of them before issuing an order. "You two keep an eye on him. If he moves, stun him. Don't kill him." He paused. "Unless he gives you reason to."

"Yes, sir," they responded.

Pike nodded before he crossed to Spock, whose state was still worrying him. Though Spock was down playing his wounds and speaking calmly, there was no doubt in Pike's mind that he was close to his breaking point. Seleen had been beaten to within an inch of his life and if they had been a second later, he would have been dead. His eyes moved to Selek, who kept his eyes on the younger Vulcan. It was clear that he too wasn't sure of Spock's state of mind.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

There were so many things running through Spock's mind as they made their way through the building. The thing that startled him the most was fact that he did not feel guilty for nearly killing Seleen. He felt nothing but joy when he was about to end the Dalenien's life. The piece of filth did not deserve anything else but death, and he would have killed him if not for Selek, who had reminded him of Jim. Despite everything he had done, Jim would not have wanted him to destroy his life. In his heart he felt as though he had already done that when he threw Jim away like trash. Shaking his head, he tried to ignore those thoughts.

"We will locate Jim," Selek stated in a whisper only Spock could hear.

Spock glanced at him, unable to respond as Jim had already lost, and in fact, he had lost as well. He had lost a part of himself when he threw Jim aside. In one single act he had betrayed every promise that he had made to Jim. How could have he done that?

It wasn't long before they came across another room, which contained the alien doctor's body. The body was broken in several places, bones where popping out of his light greenish-blue skin, which was losing its shine. "How long do you think he's been dead?" Pike asked as he kneeled down next to him. His once slimy skin was almost completely dry.

Selek studied the corpse. "A few hours I estimate." He paused as he glanced around the room. "He seems to be a doctor," he stated as he pointed toward the medical instruments a few feet from them. "He must have angered Salean to the point that he killed him."

"Why do you say that?" one of the red shirts nervously asked. No one could blame him for being scared.

Pike glanced at the empty hypos that littered the ground. Though he was not a doctor, he knew what a few of those hypos were for, and each one of them could be deadly to a human.

"He was strangled, and I assume it was why they brought in Dr. McCoy," Selek answered.

"Then we need to hurry." Pike stated, "I doubt even McCoy could save Jim if this doctor gave him any of these hypos." He reached down and handed one of the hypos to Selek, whose eyes widened.

"I am surprised that Salean did not hire a better doctor, one who is knowledgeable in human anatomy," Selek stated, as he turned to Spock. "This doctor should have known better than to give a human any one of these hypos."

He did not like the way Selek was eyeing him. He was not a Vulcan child, who hadn't learned to control his emotions. He had almost killed the Dalenien because he wanted to, not because he lost control. He wanted revenge and was perfectly capable of stopping himself.

"If I was a doctor, I wouldn't want to get involved with a kidnapping of a Starfleet Officer," Pike stated as he stepped to the door. "He must've been the only doctor that Salean could find."

Selek nodded. "It must-"

"If McCoy was kidnapped for the sole reason of providing medical amenities to Jim, then we do not have time to talk," Spock interrupted. If Pike and Selek were correct, they had to find Jim, and they had to find him now.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

They came across another room, and this one stole the breath from Spock, who was not expecting the blood. Unlike the rest of the blood in the building, this blood was crimson red, which meant it was undoubtedly human. Though he didn't know how, he was positive it was Jim's blood. This had to be the reason why they had taken McCoy, and why Seleen was fighting so hard to keep him away.

In addition to the blood, the room was riddled with empty hypos and antique needles, which he had read about in ancient medical books. In the corner of the room, chains with blood stained shackles hung from the ceiling, while a metal tub that was filled with dirty water sat a few feet down from them. There was a table in the middle of the room with scraps of black fabric on it. Next to the table was an empty chair, which had been knocked over. The entire room gave off the feeling of a torture chamber.

Spock knelt down next to a puddle of blood and dipped his finger into it. From the consistency, he could tell the liquid was drying, which meant it had to be at least a few hours old. He was terrified they might be too late. "We must hurry. If this is Jim's blood, he has to be seriously injured," Spock stated. He could not take his eyes off the crimson liquid. It was a sickening reminder that he had failed Jim, his everything.

"It could be McCoy's," Pike stated as he was kneeling a few feet away.

"What would make you think that?" Selek asked as he eyed the broken hypo in Pike's hand.

"I can tell from the label that this hypo belonged to McCoy," Pike stated as he stood up.

Spock eyed the hypo's label, but he was unable to read it from this distance. "Why would that hypo bring about Dr. McCoy's death?" He asked as he stood.

Pike handed Selek the hypo. "McCoy's no fool. He knew what this would do."

Selek looked down and squeezed the hypo. "It would have killed him," he answered.

Spock froze as he heard those words. "You do not believe that Dr. McCoy would kill Jim?" It did not compute with him as Dr. McCoy would never harm or purposely end Jim's life. Though he did not approve of the _Enterprise_ 's CMO, he could not deny that Jim and McCoy had a special relationship. There was no way he would have ended Jim's life, even if his former friend begged him.

"I do," Selek stated. "Dr. McCoy would not deny Jim this request."

The younger Vulcan tried to control the surge of anger that flew through him. Though he could not nor would never understand the pain that Jim went and was still going through, ending one's life was not the answer. "If Dr. McCoy had used the hypo on Jim, would he not be dead?" he asked. "Salean would not have let him live if he had done that, and he would have not taken the two bodies with him."

Both Pike and Selek were looking at him, trying to read him. Although he would not admit it, it unnerved him the way they were looking at him. He glanced at the two of the three red shirts, who held their phaser rifles, ready to shoot.

"You may be correct, Spock," Pike admitted as he walked past them toward the door on the other side of the room.

Spock followed closely behind the Admiral, ignoring the pain in his right shoulder. The wound was affecting him, but would not allow it to stop him. He had to find Jim, and needed to get out of the room, which felt like death. "We should cease this conversion and search for Jim." He did not understand why they were speaking when Jim was in danger.

Pike took a deep breath as he stared at Spock. "I know," he stated as he placed his hand the door.

Just as he was about to open the door, he was stopped by one of the remaining security officers, a medium sized man with very short hair. "Don't move, Admiral," he stated as he crossed to door. He knelt down next to Pike and pulled out a small tube of a very light spray, which he used to reveal a thin black wire running a few inches above the ground across the door. "If you were to trip this wire, half of this wall as well as yourself, Sir, would have been blown to pieces."

"Good eye, Lieutenant Smith," Pike stated as he took a step back. "Is there anything else we should be worried about?"

Spock watched as Lt. Smith ran a scanner over the door. It annoyed him that it was taking this long to go through the door, but he could not refute that it was logical for Smith to be careful. There was no doubt that Salean had planted traps all over the building.

Smith safely cut the wire, but he did not move away. He ran the scanner over the door, looking for another trap. The scanner chirped when he got to the middle of the door. "Another one," he stated as he clicked on the thermo scanner. "There's a heat signature on the other side of the door. Though I can't be sure, I'm willing to bet it's a bomb, Admiral," he stated as he glanced back to Pike.

"Disarm it," Pike ordered. He glanced toward Spock.

Smith followed Pike's eyes to Spock before returning back to the scanner. With a deep breath, he spoke, "I need everyone to step back. There can only be one man down field at a time." Selek, Spock, and Pike stepped back to the other two red shirts, who automatically stepped in front of them. Smith checked to make sure that they were back far enough before he started.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Salean was not gentle when he slammed McCoy into a hard metal seat and strapped him in. McCoy thought Salean was going to break his wrist when he handcuffed him to a steel bar. While wincing in pain, he watched as Salean kicked up a few seats to push the scratcher against the wall across from him. After securing the scratcher to the wall, he fastened Jim tightly to it, and before turning away to the cockpit, he kissed Jim hard on the forehead, which made McCoy puke a little. It was sickening to him that Salean could do this. How could he think he could just take Jim and do with him what he wanted?

McCoy took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself, because he needed to come up with a plan. If they were taken from this damn planet, both he and Jim were screwed. There were too many places Salean could hide them. He still hoped that Spock would save them, but he couldn't rely on that. He never wanted to be the 'damsel in distress', needing to be saved.

Trying to formulate a plan, Leonard took a long look around the craft. It was a small ship which could only carry eight people plus the pilot and copilot at the max. What struck him as odd was how bare-boned it was in supplies. There was no way they could travel the entire way to Salean's planet. It was just a shell that contained very little medical equipment and provisions that wouldn't last more than a few days. It had no weapons, which would make it easier to sneak pass space checks. It was then that McCoy realized that there must be another ship waiting for them.

McCoy leaned forward as much as he could and stared in the cockpit. Salean was sitting in of the pilot's chair, flipping switches on and checking on the status of engines, which seemed to be taking some time to become completely operational. "Are you able to fly this thing alone?" he asked.

Salean reached up and flipped a switch above his head. "This ship can be piloted by one person."

"It's sure taking you awhile to power this thing up," he stated.

"It will be powered up soon enough."

"How soon is soon?" McCoy asked, knowing he was being very annoying.

Salean stood from his seat and closed back to Jim as if to check on him. "Soon, Doctor. It takes a while to get the engines running." He reached for McCoy's medical bag and searched through it.

"What are you doing?" McCoy asked, trying to keep down his anger. Besides the fact that he hated when anyone messed with his medical supplies, he did not want Salean anywhere near Jim with hypos. If he were to grab the wrong one, he could kill Jim, though he wondered if that would be a bad thing.

"I do not want James waking up before we get to the _Salasi,_ " he stated as he pulled out a hypo.

McCoy tried to move closer, but the restraints were tight. "Put that hypo down! You'll kill him with that!" he shouted. From where he sat it was difficult to read the label, but he knew that there were many hypos in his bag that could kill Jim, who seemed to be allergic to everything.

Salean glanced down at hypo. "I have you here." He took a deep breath as McCoy glared at him. "I will take your concerns under consideration," he stated as he pocketed it.

It wasn't what McCoy wanted to hear, but he would take it. "And is _Salasi,_ " he repeated slowly, "the name of the ship that you plan to meet up with?"

"You will mind your business, Doctor."

"This is my business. You're kidnapping us."

Salean stepped to the back of the craft and glanced out. "Interesting," he stated as his eyes swiped their surroundings looking for any kind of movement. After a few seconds, he closed the hatch.

"What's interesting?" McCoy asked as he tried to wiggle out of the handcuffs.

The psychopath turned to McCoy. "The explosives that I set have not gone off."

His eyes widened at Salean's words and tried to jump out of his seat. The restraints held him down, cutting into his skin. "You asshat," he yelled.

"Asshat, Doctor?" Salean asked as he raised his transparent eyebrow. "I would have thought you were capable of better insults." He stepped to McCoy. "However, I will not stand for any kind of insult from a pet."

_A pet?_ No one called him a fucking pet, and he refused to stand for that. He then realized something in his anger. "Spock must have found your traps, which means your father must have failed," he stated, letting out a small chuckle. "You aren't getting off this planet."

In an instant, Salean had him by his neck and slammed his head against the hull. "Your Vulcan friend will not last against my father, and we will get off this planet."

He smiled internally, as he was getting to this beast. "First, that Vulcan is not my friend, and second, it appears he already did. Maybe, you should have set better traps." It was getting harder to breathe as Salean's hand tightened around his neck.

"That Vulcan is lucky. I only had time to set up a few traps. If you hadn't slowed me down he would be dead." His tone was deadly, but it did scare McCoy.

"Like that would have helped," McCoy coughed out.

Salean stared at him before dropping his arms. "You only attempt to anger me."

"It was more than an attempt."

Salean growled, which startled Leonard, and stepped away. "You will learn your place soon enough," he stated as he crossed to the cockpit. He took a seat and started to type away at the computer.

McCoy started at Jim and his heart jumped as Jim's hand twitched. _You start to wake up now, you idiot?_ Jim had always had the worse timing. "Jim," he whispered as he eyed Salean's back. Salean couldn't find out that Jim was close to waking, because he would be hypoed again. There were already enough drugs in his system and didn't need anything else in his bloodstream. "Jim, don't move. Just stay still."

"B-Bones," Jim moaned loudly.

"Fuck," McCoy swore as he saw Salean turn. The Dalenien stood and reached into his pocket for hypo. "Please, don't use that, Salean. Please, don't. I can keep him calm," McCoy begged. He couldn't watch his best friend die, even if he had planned to do it. This time was different. The hypo that he had planned to use would have been a quick death, while this one would make him suffer.

Salean stepped to Jim and grabbed his hand. "What is this bones?" he asked as he ran his fingers up Jim's arm.

"It's his nickname for me," McCoy answered as he eyed Jim's face.

"He cherishes you," Salean stated, sounding jealous.

McCoy wasn't sure if that fact was still true, but Salean did not need to know that. "Just don't use that." He nodded his head toward the hypo.

"Do you think he would give me a nickname?" He eyed Jim.

"Just because he gives you a nickname doesn't mean he cherishes you. He's given people he hated nicknames as well," he revealed. He was still hopelessly struggling with his restraints.

Salean stared at McCoy before uncapping the hypo. "We will see," he stated as he stabbed Jim in the neck.

Though he knew Jim was overdramatic at time, he was deeply worried when Jim moaned at the impact. "Untie me! Or at least move me next to him!"

"I am not foolish," he answered. "If I allow that, you might kill him yourself."

McCoy eyed the empty hypo feeling like the world just ended. It wasn't because Salean knew his plan; it was because there was nothing he could do for Jim. "What if you just killed him?" he asked, shaking.

"We will-" Just as he started to speak a huge explosion rocked the building and ground, shaking the craft. Salean let out a chuckle as he felt the shockwave. "One of my traps went off. That should have stopped them."

Dread filled McCoy as Salean crossed back to the cockpit. "You assfuck, you won't get away with this," McCoy yelled, not caring if he angered Salean anymore. "Starfleet will track you down and you'll be punished."

Salean didn't even glanced back at McCoy as he flipped another switch, which kicked up the engines completely. They were roaring loudly now. "Starfleet will be amazed how difficult it will be. The High Council does not support the ways of Starfleet and the selfish Federation."

"And yet your planet joined the federation?" he asked as he kept an eye on Jim. His nerves were getting the better of him. He couldn't move or do anything to help Jim.

"A choice we regret," he replied. "Enough talking, Doctor. Your voice gives me a headache."

Oh, McCoy wanted to keep talking and give that alien the biggest headache ever, but there were more important things that he had to worry about, and one of them was the man across from him.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

Though Salean's many traps had slowed them down, they had become useful. After Smith had disabled all of them, Spock used them to blast through the remaining locked doors. He knew it would give Salean a false sense of hope. He would not be expecting them, after the last explosion took out half the building. However, they had to take it slow as the explosion made the building nearly collapse.

Just as they made it out of the building, the sounds of a craft taking off deafened them as the winds from the engines nearly knocked them down. Selek and Spock managed to stay on their feet. Admiral Pike's weakened leg nearly gave out on him, while the security officers gripped tightly to their phaser rifles.

Spock's heart began to sink when the craft started to take off the ground, but he didn't have time to think. He needed to act fast as he knew Jim had to be on the ship. In a few minutes it would be off the planet and their chances of finding him would be slim. If Salean managed to leave the region, he would never see his Jim again.

Spock glanced towards the others, trying to see if anyone had an idea. Selek kept his eyes on the ship. He could tell he was trying to think of something and was failing. He then looked at Pike, who had turned to the security officers, and gave a hand signal.

Before Spock could react, the three red shirts fired at the engines, disabling them. After smoking for a few seconds, the engines were engulfed in flames and the craft could not remain in flight. It started to slowly descend in a matter of seconds, but when flames started to travel up the wings, the craft fell almost instantly and hit the ground hard, breaking apart on impact. The ground shook, sending dust into the air, making it difficult to see.

Spock refused to wait for it to clear. Just as he started to walk, one of the red shirts, not Smith, grabbed him and shook his head. At that moment the engines exploded, sending metal shrapnel at them. The three red shirts forced Selek, Spock, and Pike to the ground and covered them.

Spock was not worried about the metal pieces coming at them, as he was focused on Jim, who was in the broken craft in front of him. There was no doubt that the explosion would have hurt or killed Jim, and it angered him that Admiral Pike would order his security officers to fire. They could have killed Jim with the crash. Before he could question the order the answer hit him; it was their only way to stop the ship from leaving.

Just looking at that burning ship scared him. Jim could be dead and he did not know how to handle a life without Jim. He could handle not being in a relationship with Jim, knowing he was still alive. When they were together, he knew eventually he'd have to come to terms that he would outlive Jim by many decades. Maybe, with time and Selek's help, he would be able to come to terms, but he didn't want to think about that now. He just wanted his Jim alive.

"Spock," Pike called for him as Spock dashed to the hatch of the craft. "It's not safe!" Pike wiped the blood from his face as he stood.

Spock didn't look back as he picked up a long skinny metal pipe that was lying on the ground from the explosion. The smoking metal seared his hand, but he chose to ignore it just like his other wounds. Using his Vulcan control over the pain, he wasn't going to let anything stop him from saving Jim. "The flames will not stop me," he snapped as he stepped toward them.

Pike turned back to the three red shirts and nodded his head before he turned to Selek. He gave the old Vulcan a worried look. "There is no talking him out of this. If it was I, I would be doing the same," Selek answered as he watched two red shirts follow behind Spock. Lt. Smith stayed behind to look for something to help put out the fire.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

It wasn't long after the ship left the ground that something happened. McCoy could only guess at what happened, but he knew that something had exploded, which made Salean lose control of the ship. Tremors rocketed through the ship as it spun out of control. McCoy was only able to spare a quick glance at Salean, who was struggling with to gain control of the ship, and Jim, whose only blessing was that he was fully strapped in. He wasn't being ripped around like a rag doll like McCoy.

As the craft spun for what felt like forever, McCoy was forced backward by the force, his head acting like a ping pong ball against the metal wall. He was close to losing consciousness from the blows. He felt the hull of craft start to heat up and could hear the frame start to crack. Though he was not an engineer, he knew the ship would not be able to last much longer. Heck, they would not last much longer at this rate. Untied supplies and broken metal shrapnel started to fly around the room nailing everything in its path, but that wasn't what McCoy was worried. Jim had started to twitch slightly; it wasn't anything major, but considering what Salean had done, it was a bad sign. However, there wasn't a thing that McCoy could do as the ship crashed hard into the ground. The force of the crash slammed him back, knocking him out.

*O*O*

Though he didn't know how long he had been out, he knew that he couldn't have been or more than a few seconds, because Salean was crawling out of the cockpit which was completely on fire. Salean, who looked like he just came from hell, was covered in ash and blood. His clothes were scorched and his skin was burnt all over. It looked like one of his legs had been broken in the fall, though he wasn't able to bring himself to care after everything he had done.

McCoy could tell that none of his own bones were broken. Though it was hard to feel anything with his massive headache, he could feel blood dripping down his face. If he had to guess, there was a large cut above his left eye. His lower lip was split, and his left hand, which was handcuffed, was bleeding profusely around his wrist. Even with all of the pain and blood, he was still more worried about Jim, who had a sharp metal object hanging over his head. If it were to move, it would impale him, killing him instantly. There was also the fact that Jim had started to pale again.

With the flames engulfing the hull, the temperature in the ship was rising and it was getting harder to breathe without coughing as the fires consumed the oxygen in the room. The flames in the cockpit were getting larger and were starting to cross into the hull. McCoy's only hope was that the flames would eat Salean alive as he crawled closer to Jim, who was shaking. _No,_ McCoy's mind protested at that sight. How could Jim be cold when he was sweating? They were surrendered by a blaze that was threatening to overtake them.

McCoy fumbled with his restraints as he kept an eye on Jim. He had to get out of these straps, because if he was correct, Jim would go into a cardiac arrest shortly and would not survive without help. Unable to break them, he reached for a something sharp to cut the belts. There was a sharp metal piece just outside of his reach. He looked at Salean, who was getting closer to Jim. Salean had tried to stand, but his burnt legs couldn't hold his weight.

Straining with everything he had, he finally reached the sharp metal fragment. Quickly cutting the straps off, he was finally able to stand, but the handcuffs kept him in the same spot. Seeing that the steel pike that he was handcuffed to was loose, he started to pull as he tried to work it off the wall.

Even using his full weight, the bar refused to budge from the wall. He tried kicking, even ramming it with his battered body. No matter what he did, he couldn't get the bar loose from the wall. His legs felt like jello and he could feel his lungs filling with smoke. In that moment he felt like a weakling, but refused to give up. Jim was all that mattered and he had to do everything he could to save him.

It was getting harder to breathe and McCoy's vision was starting to get cloudy. If they didn't get any fresh air into their lungs, they were all going to die. No matter how much he protested it, he turned to Salean and said, "S-Salean." He was coughing, and it was bloody painful to speak or breathe. He knees had stated to ache as he knelt down front of the seat that he had preoccupied. "W-we need to g-get out of here," he coughed as he glanced at the hull's hatch.

Salean picked up his head and glanced at McCoy before turning to Jim, whose shaking had gotten worse. "I must s-save him," he stated as he pushed himself up, struggling to get to his feet.

Though it sickened him that it would be Salean who got Jim out of this burning hellhole, Jim had to be saved. Hopefully, he would run into Spock when he got outside of the craft. McCoy glanced toward Jim, but he did not hold his gaze as he heard banging at the hatch door. _Spock,_ he thought. Whoever was at the hatch had to be the one who shot them down, and when he saw them, he was going to give them hell for doing so and praise them at the same time.

A loud pop came from the direction of the cockpit drawing McCoy's attention. Though it was getting extremely cloudy and his vision was starting to blacken, he could see that Salean was on his feet. His walk to Jim looked painful.

"J-James," he stated as he reached the Captain. He had to duck down to be next to Jim as the hull hung low above him. With his super strength, he stated to rip off the restraints, but he had only ripped off a few straps as the hatch was forced open.

McCoy felt a refreshing rush of cold air hit him. The flames around them seem to jump in the fresh air. "S-Spock," he coughed as he watched the Vulcan enter the hull. Even from this distance, the doctor in him could see that Spock was seriously injured. There was a small limp in his walk. Spock only glanced at him for a second before he turned his attention to Jim. It didn't bug McCoy that Spock was focused on Jim as he would have been done the same thing, but he would rather not die like this.

With the fresh air, he could breathe again, but it also meant that the flames could as well. They were almost on them and were inching closer. He could see Spock slowly make his way towards Jim. He was unsure if he made it as he blacked out and was unable to remember anything.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

When Spock walked into the flaming ship, the only thing he noticed was Salean next to an injured Jim. He paid no attention to the handcuffed McCoy, who was trying with all of his might to break free. He paid no attention to the flames that were eating the ship. His attention was fully on Jim and the monster, who was touching Jim without _his_ permission. How dare he touch Jim? He was not his to touch, and he was definitely was not his to take. How dare he take Jim? How dare he use Jim? How dare he hurt Jim, who had been hurt enough in his life? All of these acts were unforgiveable and he would punish Salean for them.

Before he could kill the monster, he had to save Jim, who was still strapped down unable to move. Flames were inching closer to him as the beam above Jim's head started to slip. With a quick movement, Spock was next to Jim, and ignoring the pain, Spock picked Salean up and shoved him to the ground. The fire licked Salean's skin, burning him in several places. Spock only glanced at him for a split second, hearing him yell in his native language. Salean tried to stand, but his legs did not support him.

The Vulcan had to get Jim out now because his odds of living were decreasing with each passing second. " _T'hy'la_ ," he called to Jim, knowing that word would annoy the young Captain. Jim, who only had a slight idea of what that word meant, would not want Spock to call him that, because he believed that Spock lost that right. Spock would agree, but his feelings for Jim would never change. Even when he thought Jim had betrayed him and all the pain, he still loved Jim and still had the desire to be with him.

Not seeing any movement or response from Jim, he snapped off the remaining half-melted restraints, but before he could move him, the beam started to move. It sounded like a scream as it scrapped down the wall. As quickly and gently as possible, Spock slid Jim off the table and into his arms. Jim moaned in his arms as he held him tightly against his chest. It pained him to hear the weak moan coming out of Jim, and it installed a sense of urgency in him.

He tried to force Salean out of his mind and focus on Jim, but Salean called to him in his native language. He was trying to bait him, but Jim kept his focus. Holding Jim bridal style, he turned to Salean who was pushing himself up. There was smile on his face that Spock wanted to wipe off. He wanted to use his phaser and kill him, but that death would be too quick for him. He wanted to torture Salean as he had tortured Jim. He wanted to make him scream out in pain and watch as he bled out.

Interrupted from his thoughts by Jim shaking uncontrollably in his arms, Spock turned to the two security officers, who had followed him. One of the red shirts had freed McCoy, who was unconscious and bleeding, and was dragging him out of the burning hull. The other officer was standing a few feet from Spock, waiting for him so he could drag Salean out of the hull. The idea annoyed the Commander because Salean deserved to die. Looking back at Jim, he pushed everything else out of his mind and began to carrying out of the burning craft.

When Spock set out, he had one idea in his mind and that was to punish Salean. He had deserved nothing less than death, but could he leave him to die in the fire? Or did he want him to face his crimes and spend the rest of life in jail? "Ensign, take Captain Kirk to safety," Spock ordered as he crossed the red shirt.

"Sir, I can get Salean," he stated as he eyed Jim in Spock's arms.

Spock could sense that the Ensign was worried about leaving him alone with Salean, as he did almost kill his father. He knew that he could have landed in jail, but he could not bring himself to care. "We do not know the state of Salean and it would be wise to treat him as if he is at full strength. It would be logical for me to carry him. Will you take the Captain?"

The Ensign was worried but obeyed the order. "Yes, Sir," he stated as he went for Jim.

He fought back the desire to hold Jim tightly and never let him go as he allowed the Ensign to take him. He took control over his protectiveness as he forced himself to let go. "Now, go," he ordered through his teeth as he turned from him. It was difficult to let Jim out of his sight when he spent so much time trying to find him.

After he was sure the Ensign had left, he made his way to Salean, who was struggling to get to his feet. The flames were intense and made it hard to get to Salean without being burned. The pain in his shoulder was increasing, but he ignored it as he focused on the Dalenien, who was glaring at him.

"Where did you take James?" Salean hissed as he got to his knees. The hull around was starting to collapse, but neither one seemed to care.

"To safety," Spock responded as he got down on his knees. "I have a desire to leave you here to you die, but I will not allow myself to fall to your level," he stated as he stared at the monster, who had raped his beloved. He wanted to kill him slowly, but Jim was on his mind and knowing that he was safe, dulled that longing. "You will be arrested and put on trial for your crimes."

Salean looked at him and laughed. "Your Federation is a joke," he stated as he glared at Spock. "You believe in your fatuous, ridiculous trials, which my planet does not. It will fail and I will be free again, and James will be mine."

Spock wanted to reach out and snap his neck. How dare he threat Jim in his presence? How dare he claim Jim as his? It also angered him how he said the name James. "You believe you are untouchable?" he asked as he stared Salean down. He could not let Salean get to him. Instead of getting out of the burning craft, he was speaking with him.

"It has already been proven. Just ask James, when he faced me in trial. I was freed," Salean stated as a beam crashed behind him.

"You went to trial for the rape?" Spock asked, not knowing that Salean was arrested for Jim's rape. Why wasn't he in jail? When did he go to trial? How could he have missed that? Anger at himself started to fill him.

"It was not rape, you asinine Vulcan."

"You dare insult me?" Something inside of Spock snapped, "You are testing me."

"I wish to know why James will not love me, but he loves you."

Seleen had said that same thing to him, and again he could not answer. He could not explain to any of them why Jim loved him, as he was unsure himself. He was not worthy of Jim's love, even though he wanted to bury himself in his love and never leave. "You wish to bait me."

"I wish to kill you."

"Is that so? I wish to kill you as well but as I stated before, I am not controlled by animal urges."

Still shaking, Salean pushed himself onto his feet as Spock did the same. "No matter where you take James, I will find him and I will have him. Over and over again," he stated with a creepy look in his eyes. "He is mine. If I have to destroy you, then I shall."

At those words, Spock completely snapped and charged Salean.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

When McCoy came too, he was staring up at Admiral Pike, who looked like an angel, a hideous angel but an angel nevertheless at the moment. "Pike," he coughed. The first thing he noticed was the heavenly temperature drop. "W-where's Jim?" he asked as he tried to push himself up. He had to figure out where Jim was and get him the _Enterprise_ as soon as possible to save him.

"Relax, McCoy," Pike stated as he tried to force him back down.

"You d-don't understand," he stated painfully.

"McCoy, you're injured. You need to keep still," Pike stated as he looked around.

Leonard pushed himself up again and tried to look at what Pike was looking at. In the distance, he noticed Selek and the two red shirts trying to put out the massive fire that had engulfed the craft. Seeing the large flames scared him as he did see Spock or Jim. Taking a deep breath, he spoke, "W-Where's Jim?"

Pike took a deep breath. "You're hurt and you're worried about Jim?"

"He's g-going to d-die if we don't get h-him to the _E-Enterprise_ ," he stated as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

Just as Pike opened him mouth to ask what he was talking about, Ensign Charles exited the ship with Jim in his arms. "Ensign Charles," Pike called as he got up. "How is he?" He asked as Charles laid Jim down a few feet away from McCoy, who started to crawl to Jim. His legs still felt funny. "McCoy!" Pike yelled when he noticed him.

"P-Pike," McCoy croaked, "h-he needs medical a-attention." It still hurt to speak. "L-let me help him." He could see Jim was struggling to breathe. He couldn't tell if the meds that Salean gave him were doing this or if it was the fumes and smoke he had inhaled.

Hesitating for a second, Pike nodded his head and helped McCoy to his feet. Slowly, he helped McCoy walk to Jim. "Why are you so hot headed?" he asked as he placed him next to Jim.

"Because I have to be," McCoy snapped. His throat still hurt, but it was getting easier to speak. He knew his medical bag was destroyed in the fire but couldn't fight the urge to look for it. "Do you h-have any kind of medical supplies w-with you?" McCoy asked as he stared at Jim's slow moving chest.

Pike stared at Ensign Charles, who shook his head. "Unfortunately, no."

McCoy's fingers went to Jim's neck to check his heartbeat, and he felt himself curse. Jim's heart beat was way too fast, and if they didn't get it down, he could have a heart attack, which would be Jim's horrible luck. "Can we get-" The Doctor did not get to finish his sentence as the ship behind him exploded, sending everyone off their feet.

Unsure of what had just happened, the three security officers jumped to their feet to stand between Selek (who had made his way back to them), Pike, and McCoy. "What the hell just happened?" Pike hollered as he pushed himself pass the red shirts. Because of the huge explosion, fire completely engulfed the craft making it impossible to enter or escape from it. "Have any one seen Commander Spock?" Pike yelled, looking at each of them. "Did he make it out of the ship?"

"No, Sir, the last time I saw him was on the ship," the Ensign answered. "He was going after Salean."

"Fuck," Pike cursed. He turned to the fire and tried to step closer to see if he could make out the Vulcan in the flames, but the heat alone kept him back.

Selek turned and stared at Jim as if he was the most important thing in the world. "As it does fit the situation well, I would agree. We are fucked."

McCoy could see the fear in both Selek and Pike's eyes, but he had other things on his mind. Jim was looking worse with each passing second and his heartbeat was refusing to slow down. To make matters worse, Jim's was still shaking. "Pike, we n-need to get Jim to the Medical Bay as s-soon as possible," he stated interrupting Pike.

Just as Pike opened his mouth to speak, McCoy lost Jim's pulse. Frantically, Leonard tried to find Jim's heartbeat, and when he couldn't, he rolled on top of Jim, barely putting any pressure, as he tried to locate it. When he couldn't, he started to do chest compressions as it didn't seem like he was breathing either. Pike, and even Selek, looked on in horror. McCoy was losing Jim.

"D-Don't you fucking dare, Jim," McCoy yelled as he tried to get Jim to breathe again. After a few seconds of pure panic, he was able to get his heartbeat back but it was weak, almost undetectable. Jim took a breath. McCoy thought he could stop but he found Jim's heartbeat fading again. Resuming compressions, McCoy turned to Pike and yelled, "I c-can't keep this up for long. He's fading. We n-need to get Jim to the _Enterprise._ " His throat was protesting.

Pike pulled out his communicator. "Admiral Pike to _Enterprise_. I need emergency transport."

Just as the _Enterprise_ responded, Jim's heart completely stopped.


	20. The One Man's Nightmare

* * *

James Kirk was rapidly aging Leonard McCoy with all of these near sudden deaths; his heart couldn't take it anymore. He was surprised he was still functioning now. Heck, he was astonished that he had any hair after all of the hair pulling, but instead it kept turning gray. Jim was wearing him out, but McCoy would not choose to be anywhere else. It felt right here. Even with all the troubles, the complaining, and the life and death situations, so long as he had his best friend, he could live with it.

After taking a deep breath, McCoy dunked his face into the water filled sink and held it there. A few seconds later, he lifted his head up and stared into the mirror as the water dripped down. He stood perfectly still as he thought about this situation, about Jim, about everything that happened. Once they had transported Jim to the _Enterprise_ , they managed to get him stable in the longest two minutes of McCoy's life. During those long seconds, horrible thoughts about what if Jim had given up plagued his mind; Jim didn't seem to be fighting for his life anymore and that scared him. If Jim gave up, there would be no saving him. If he wanted to live, he had to be willing to fight.

McCoy took a deep breath as he reached for a towel to dry his face. After Jim was stabilized and even though he had refused at first, he received medical attention for himself. He didn't want to leave Jim's side in case his heart gave out again, only to realize that if he was going to save Jim, he needed to be at one hundred percent. Even with his wounds treated, he was still worried out of his mind. Jim was barely stable, and the search crew still hadn't found Spock. The Vulcan was still missing and they all started to fear that he had been killed in the explosion.

He dropped the towel onto the counter and crossed to the door. As soon as he opened it, he was struck by a loud piercing scream. After first, his heart dropped as he thought it was Jim, but quickly realized that the voice belonged to his crazy mother, who McCoy had never met in person. Why was she here? The logical answer would be that she was Jim's mother and she wasn't going to be anywhere else, but Jim didn't consider her to be his mother. If McCoy had to judge from hearing Jim talk about her and from what he had overheard from their few communications, Jim resented and hated her, which McCoy did not blame him for. He would too if he had a mother like her.

Stepping out of the Sickbay's restroom, McCoy walked toward the yelling with one thing on his mind: he was going to kick Winona out. Besides the fact that Jim wouldn't want her here, McCoy would not allow her to be in the room if she refused to keep quiet. The chaos wouldn't be good for Jim, who needed a calming environment. The curtains had been drawn around his bed, separating Winona from Jim.

When he got within a few feet of Jim's hospital bed, he could see that she was yelling at Admiral Pike. "What the hell is going on over here?" McCoy snapped as he eyed the woman. He knew Pike could handle himself, but sometimes it helped to have back up.

Winona turned from Pike and glared at McCoy. "Isn't it oblivious?" She spit. "I'm here to see my son, who was injured in a kidnapping which no one bothered to tell me about." Her tone was deadly.

Pike stepped forward. "Mrs. Kirk, this is a sensitive situation, and it would have done no good to alert everyone to it," he firmly stated. McCoy could tell from Pike's voice that he would not back down. There was something about Pike's command voice that could make anyone back down.

However, Winona wasn't one to back down. "He's my son. I had a right to know some sick bastard took him." Winona was giving Pike a death glare.

"With all due respect," Pike stated, focusing his eyes directly at hers. "Do you have a right to claim him as your son?"

"How dare you!" Winona yelled. "He's my son. I'm his mother." She paused. "I know that I didn't do the best, but I raised him the best way that I could." She was staring Pike down as he stood between her and the closed curtains that blocked Jim from the rest of the bay.

McCoy could see something in Pike snap as his jaw clenched. He took a deep breath. "Commander Kirk, the fact that you claim yourself as Jim's mother is despicable. You may have given birth to him, but you were never his mother," Pike stated in a normal voice, but anger was dipping from his words.

"I am his mother!" She hollered as she took a step closer. "You have-"

"Enough!" McCoy stated, having enough of this. "This isn't good for Jim. I'm going to ask you to leave."

Winona turned her glare onto McCoy. "I'm his mother. I'm not leaving!"

McCoy returned her glare. "Jim's condition is very serious. As his doctor, I cannot allow this shit around him," he stated, using his CMO's voice.

"You can't kick me out. If anything, he should go!" Winona stated as she turned her glare onto Pike.

"One, he's an Admiral and I can't kick him out, but I can with you," he responded. In reality he could easily have cleared the bay of everyone but the medical staff. If push came to shove, McCoy could kick Pike out of the bay, but Jim needed his only real parent with him. "And two," he stated with hesitation, "Pike is more of a parent to Jim than you ever were." McCoy could see something in Winona's mind explode as she heard him. At first, the doctor thought she was going to start screaming again, but instead she turned and stormed out in total silence.

When they were both sure Winona was gone, McCoy turned to Pike who had pulled the curtain back. He watched as Pike sat down next to him. "She's a handful," he stated as closed the curtains again, waiting to see for the Admiral's reaction.

Pike took a deep breath before he answered. "Yes, and I do understand why she's upset," Pike replied. "No one told her that her son had been kidnapped." He watched Jim's chest slowly move up and down.

McCoy had no sympathy for her after the stories that Jim had told him. After a morning of helping Jim nurse a hangover from dealing with the memories of Tarsus IV, Jim confessed every detail of his childhood. It left the doctor feeling sicker than his patient. That woman had no right to claim to be his mother now, when she wasn't before. "How did she find out?" he asked, knowing they were trying to keep this under the wraps.

"After the explosion and the emergency beaming, it was difficult to keep it quiet," Pike stated as he glanced up at McCoy, who had picked up a P.A.D.D. "Mrs. Kirk came running the second she heard."

"How the hell did she get on the _Enterprise_?" McCoy asked as he scanned through Jim's stats. His breathing and heartbeat were slowly going back to normal levels.

"Captain Pitts cleared her," he answered.

Ignoring the pain in his back, he stepped to the edge of the bed. Although the medical staff had patched him up, he was still hurting. "Why would he allow her on the ship?"

"I believe it was to get her to be quiet," Pike answered. "She caused quite a scene." He shook his head as he thought about it.

After setting the P.A.D.D. down, he glanced at the closed entry doors of the Sickbay. "If she was causing a scene, why didn't you use the Security at the door?" It annoyed him that Winona thought she could just walk into Jim's life any time she wanted.

"In a time like this, do you want to resort to violence, Doctor?" Pike asked.

McCoy exhaled harshly, because Pike was right. There was no need to create more hostility when it wasn't needed. "I guess you're correct, though it wouldn't hurt anyone if she were on another ship or spent a night in the brig." He winced in pain as he leaned back against the counter.

Pike leaned back in his chair and eyed McCoy. "Still in pain?" he asked. "I thought Doctor M'Benga fixed you up"

"He tried to, but without giving me stronger medication, there is nothing he can do for the strained muscles. I don't want to be knocked out with Jim's fragile condition, so there is still a little pain," Leonard answered as he stared at Jim's closed eyes. The pain that he was in now was nowhere near to what Jim had experienced. And right now, Jim was in a coma and they had no idea of when or if he would wake. Though the damage to Jim was extensive, there was no telling the level of mental damage until he regained consciousness. Not only did he get stabbed with many different kinds of drugs all of which could ruin brain functions, his brain had gone without oxygen for several minutes. His brain function could be forever compromised and no amount of medication could fix that. "Has the team found anything?" McCoy asked.

Pike's hand traveled to his communicator and flipped it open, but there were no urgent messages. "Nothing yet. They still haven't been able to find Spock or Salean, but that doesn't mean anything. We can still find them," he added seeing a worried look on McCoy's face.

"Can you? How could anyone survive that?" Leonard asked. He knew how flames could kill the skin. Once the dermis layer was destroyed, there were only a few things he could do, and if the damage was all over the body, the list got smaller. Sure, he could grow back a missing limb, but if the whole body had been extensively damaged, there was only so much he could do. He couldn't regrow a new body.

"You must have faith, McCoy," Pike stated turning back to Jim.

McCoy followed Pike's glance back to Jim, who wouldn't be happy if something happened to Spock. Though he knew that neither he nor Spock had been forgiven, there would be no doubt that Jim would suffer greatly over Spock's death. Even though he was angry and hated them, love did not just go away. "I have faith, but faith can only go so far," through a heavy accent.

He stared at Jim's face and could have sworn there was a twitch.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

The water roasted his skin as it rained down on him from the shower head, but Jim couldn't bring himself to care if his skin boiled off. In fact, he was scrubbing his skin raw with the shower brush. He had to get the filth off, even if he had to skin himself alive, because he felt like he was covered in slime that he couldn't get off. He couldn't get the smell off his skin. He could smell Salean on every inch of his being and it made him scrub harder. He had to get the stench off him; he just had to. "Why don't you go away?" Jim shouted, freaking out. "Go away. Please, just go away," he begged with tears running down his face. Not caring that his skin was already bleeding, he rubbed himself harder, but no matter how hot the water or how much he bled, he couldn't get rid of the smell or Salean's phantom touch off his skin. "It… It is still there!" It felt like the monster was still touching him, and it was those thoughts that almost forced Jim to knees.

Every time he tried to stand and blink his eyes, he could see Salean staring at him with hunger in his eyes, and he kept thinking that he was back on the bed tied down again. His heart would race and he would lose his breath for minutes as he tried to remind himself that he wasn't still tied down to the bed. He was safe now, but he couldn't get Salean out of his mind. During the rare times he managed to calm down, Salean was back in his head seconds later and dragged him back to the darkest points of his mind.

He let a groaning cry as the shower brush ran over his injured side. It sickened Jim as he stared down at his profusely bleeding side. Even with the blood, it was clear that something had been carved into his flesh. Just seeing that mark made Jim's stomach turn as it had been Salean who had carved it into his flesh. It was Salean's way of claiming Jim as his own so no one else could have him. He wanted everyone to know that Jim belonged to him and he would do anything to keep it that way. He made sure that Jim knew this as he carved the claiming symbol into his flesh. Jim had not screamed during the carving as he did not want to give the monster the pleasure as he enjoyed his pain.

The brush fell from his hand as he remembered the smile on Salean's sick face when he licked the blood from Jim's side. It stole his breath and sped up his heart to the point where he couldn't think. He reached down for the brush and with that quick motion, his legs slipped from under him and he fell hard. His head bounced off the hard shower wall and he lost consciousness.

When he came to, there was someone knocking at the door and the roasting water had turned ice cold, but he had no interest in moving. He just wanted to stay in the same spot and drown in the freezing water. Salean had taken everything from him. The Dalenian had taken away his confidence and forced him do things against his will. He was broken.

"Captain Kirk!" the man yelled at the door. The pounding on the door got harder.

From his spot on the ground, Jim looked up to the door, barely visible from his angle. He didn't answer the Admiral, who had found him tied to the bed. When the Admiral saw him tied naked to the bed, looks of pity filled his eyes and Jim couldn't get that look out of his head. The pity look cut through him. When did he become someone who had to be pitied? He had never needed anyone's pity in past and refused to accept it now.

"Kirk, are you okay in there?" the Admiral yelled through the door. After he gotten over the shock of Jim's beaten, bloody body, he untied him and tried to get a doctor, but Jim would not allow it. Yes, he would see a doctor, but he needed to wash his body. He needed to get the evidence off his body. He knew it could ruin the trial, but he didn't care. He just needed to get it off. Unable to fight Jim, he watched as he disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. "Answer me, Kirk."

Jim could hear the worry in his voice, and it just drove him farther into himself. He didn't want to be here; he didn't want to be anywhere. He couldn't deal with any of this. His body was covered in bruises and slashes, and it ached from the rape. Jim didn't know where to go from here. How could he get his life back?

"Answer me, or I'm going to force my way in," he yelled, banging harder. There was no way for the Admiral to get through the locked heavy door on his own.

Jim's hand traveled to his ribcage and traced the wound. Salean had struck him every chance he could during the entire brutal assault. Though he would chastise him for it, he seemed to enjoy punishing him. "J-just leave me alone," Jim croaked. His voice was nothing more than a whisper.

"Kirk!" he yelled again as he slammed his whole body against the door.

Jim didn't know why the Admiral was trying so hard. He was broken, useless. Why was he trying so hard to save him? There was no saving him from what had happened. Maybe, this was karma for all that he had done. Maybe, he deserved this for all of the crimes that he had committed.

Forcing the Admiral's voice out of his mind, Jim looked up into the cold water. It rained down, nailing him in the eyes, but didn't compare to the pain running through his blood caked body. His reddened skin ached every time he moved, and his lower back felt like it was on fire, even while being soaked by ice cold water. He could feel himself start to drift asleep and wanted to allow himself to go and never wake up.

Not hearing anything, his eyes drifted back to the door and how quiet it had become. The Admiral must have given up and left, which pleased Jim as he just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to soak in his sadness and just die, because he really didn't have a will to live. He leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling of the shower as he was pelted by the water.

He stayed frozen in place until there was another knock at the door.

"Kirk, if you don't open the door, we'll open the door for you!" the Admiral shouted. His soft tones were gone. It was clear he was annoyed. "Do…" He trailed off and there was silence for a few seconds. "Do you need me to get Commander Spock?"

Jim's eyes flew open. He had totally forgotten about Spock. How could he have forgotten about him? What would the Vulcan do when he found out? Would he abandon him? Why should he stay? Jim had cheated on him with some assfuck, who carved his name into his chest. This whole situation was his fault, why shouldn't it be? He must have led Salean on for him to have done that. Why would Spock want him now? He wouldn't want to touch disgusting, damaged goods. Why would he want to date a loser who couldn't protect himself? He was some idiot who got raped. He wasn't a man anymore.

"Kirk!" the Admiral yelled again as he started to punch in some kind of code.

What was Jim going to do? He knew he couldn't stay here. But where would he go? He thought back to the Vulcan, who had become his everything. He had become his confidant and safety net, whom he trusted with his life. He never judged him and was always there with a comforting hug. And in turn Spock had fallen in love with him for his strong will and spunkiness, which was now gone. How could he love him now that he was nothing more than a shell?

As the door to bathroom opened, Jim made up his mind that he wouldn't tell Spock because he couldn't bare it if he left. Even if he wanted to, he doubted he could ever tell him. He wanted to keep it deep inside of him so no one could tell that he was broken.

The Admiral was next to him in a hurry as someone else turned off the water. "Jim," he stated switching to his first name. "Are you okay?" He snapped his finger in front of his eyes. "Are you here, Jim?" he asked as the man who turned off the water handed him a towel. He covered Jim as best he could to give him some dignity.

It took everything he had to look at the Admiral as his muscles were sore and weak. He just wanted to let his head drop and drift into nothingness. One of the Admiral's questions struck him hard. He would _never_ be okay, but rather than come up with a remark, he allowed his eyes to close.

The Admiral turned back and said something to the other officer, but Jim was unable to fight any longer and drifted into unconsciousness.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

When Spock came to, he was lying face up in a large puddle of mud; an unconscious Salean not far from his side. Pushing himself up, he tried to remember how he got here, but he couldn't remember anything after sending the Ensign away with Jim. His mind flashed to Jim, trying to remember if he was alive. His soul would not be able to take it if Jim was dead. The very idea of Jim's death sent shivers down his sore body, and shook him so hard that he had difficult time breathing. It brought out feelings that Spock couldn't understand or recognize.

He struggled to his knees as his body fought him. He was injured before he had entered the shuttle, but combined with his new injuries from the explosion, wracked his body with pain. There was now a large gash from his right shoulder down to his stomach and would have been bleeding profusely if not for the mud that covered his body, acting like a Band-Aid. There were numerous small cuts all over his arms and legs, some cutting into burns and bruises. Like the larger gash, the mud slowed most of the bleeding, but he knew that it would only last for a short time. Though his body did heal quickly, he would need to get medical treatment if he did not want his wounds to become infected.

His legs felt weak under him as he stepped to Salean, who was covered in his own white blood. Salean was in worse condition and would surely die if he did not see a doctor. He was not covered in mud and his wounds were bleeding profusely. A question passed through Spock's mind…Did this piece of filth deserve a doctor? He did not and Spock wanted to leave him here, but as evidenced by the fact that they both of them were not in the wreckage of the exploded shuttle few meters away, he wasn't going to leave Salean to die. For all the pain that he had caused Jim, he deserved all the pain in the world, and he would get that in prison. It was that thought that saved him from killing Salean.

Picking up Salean, who groaned at the touch, Spock placed him over his shoulder and disregarded the new pain that was growing in his shoulder. He did not have time to think about his injuries as he had to figure out how to get back to the _Enterprise_. Without looking, he knew his communicator was destroyed, both from the mud and from the explosion that had slammed them both into the ground.

The trek back to the building was slow as the fire from the shuttle had flourished and started to spread to the surrendering areas, making it difficult to walk around the craft to the Starfleet officers that Spock knew were searching. Starfleet would never leave someone behind, but the flames were dangerous and they had to get them under control before they could start the search.

When they were halfway through the large fire, Spock had to take a break as his fatigue had started to grow from the trek and the heat of the flames. He set Salean down and took a seat next to him. He eyed the Dalanian as he started to moan in his native language. Spock listened for a while as he tried to understand what the he was saying, but he did not understand the codes and ciphers of his language.

It wasn't long before Salean started to stir and only a few seconds later that he opened his eyes. "I am alive," he stated, surprising clear and smooth. "You are in fact as weak as I thought, Vulcan. If I was you, I would have killed me. In fact, I still might kill you."

Spock looked him over, analyzing Salean's body. Even with his injuries, he calculated his chances of winning a hand to hand combat was 89.453%. At full strength, there was a 94.223% chance Salean would have won the battle, but the Dalenian's body was broken in multiple places and he was unable to stand. "I do not understand your need to threaten me when you are clearly are beaten." Salean glared. "And I am not you. Do not judge me by your standards."

"I would not dare do so as you are clearly inferior," Salean stated as he glanced down at his broken legs.

Spock knew he was trying again to get him to react. He used his Vulcan teachings to maintain control. "You misconstrue my allowance to let you live as weakness. I assure you it is not. To kill you would not solve everything."

"You think you can out talk me."

"I do not think, Salean. I know" he stated. "My mind is far greater than yours."

Salean tried to push himself up onto his feet, but his body would not support him and he fell back down. "You think highly of yourself. I can outsmart you."

"You can attempt if it pleases you," Spock stated as he pushed himself to his feet. Seeing the sun had started to set, he knew that they had to be off the planet as soon as possible. To prepare for the event, Spock had read up on the planet and the lifeforms on it. The most dangerous of the predators that could easily eat both of them alive came out after sunset and stayed out on the hunt until dawn.

"Does it please you that I had claimed James as my own?" he asked with a sick smile on his face.

Spock fought back the urge to snap, and instead, he reached down to Salean, who did not fight. He lifted the Dalenian onto his shoulder, feeling new pains rush through him. Spock called on Surak to help him through the trek as Salean did not stop taunting him. With each passing second, the insults grew worse and the Vulcan knew his control was slipping, but he wasn't going to cave.

It was severely tested when Salean brought up the rape. It took everything that he had not to throw him to ground and use his Vulcan strength to kill him. The monster talked in great detail of Jim's rape. When he mentioned Jim's pleas for him to stop and the carving of flesh, Spock felt his heart drop. Though he knew Salean was trying to make him lose what little control he had left, he knew Salean would not lie to him. He wanted to see Spock's face when he heard the gruesome details and took sick pleasure in reliving the events.

Spock didn't have to listen for long as they started to hear voices. He knew who these voices belonged to and he felt relief as he could not make it much farther with his injuries. His ears burned with the filth that came from Salean's mouth, and he could not bear it anymore. It made him sick as he listened to the torture that Jim faced. When the owners of the voices came into view, a small, almost nonexistent smile appeared on his face, and he dropped Salean on the ground.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Even after a few days, Jim couldn't believe this was happening to him. How could this be happening? He really couldn't understand it. Did he really lose the love of his life and his best friend? He couldn't get his mind around that. How did his life go to hell so fast? He had everything that he could possibly want, but now, it was gone. All gone, and Jim didn't know how to handle that. There had been points in his life where he had nothing, but this was worse than nothing as he had everything stripped from him. Right now, he had been destroyed and there was no up from the depths of this hell. Every time after _it_ that he had woken up on the _Enterprise_ , it felt like a shot through the heart, taking his very breath away, and though it killed him a little bit more every second, he knew he had to get used to it. He didn't realize how used he had become to having the Vulcan sleep next to him, even if the Vulcan wasn't always sleeping. It was weird not to hear him breathing next to him, not hearing his Vulcan heartbeat or feeling his touch.

Unable to force himself to sleep on the mattress, he shifted his bedding to the floor. He fell to his knees before falling onto his hands and resting his head against the ground. At this point, he didn't care what happened to him. Maybe, he should just starve himself, because no one seemed to care if he did. No one cared that he was hurting. No one cared that he was dying on the inside. Why didn't they care? Did they ever care about him in the first place? He was unable to think about it anymore and tears started to flow.

It didn't take long for his tears to wet his hands and soak the carpet. He repeatedly pounded his fist into the floor. After a few blows his hand started to hurt, but he didn't care, since it paled in comparison to the great pain he still felt from the rape.

This pain was his fault. He had refused to seek medical attention and threatened anyone who even brought up the idea of a doctor. He just wanted this whole mess to go away because if he allowed himself to be medically checked, it would make it real. He wanted to push everything under a rug and wipe the memory from his mind. Yet, each time he closed his eyes he saw Salean above him and he just froze. His heart rate raced and he lost the ability to think.

There was also the fact that he wanted to hide his body, because he never wanted to feel that exposed ever again. He wasn't able to stand his own eyes on his naked form let alone another lifeform. It was just another reminder of how weak he was. "Damn it," he yelled as he banged his hand against the ground. "Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!" He yelled. Why was he so fucking weak? Why couldn't he tell the truth?

Unable to hold himself up anymore, he allowed himself to roll over onto his side that was screaming in pain. At first he thought it would go away but now he could no longer ignore it. It didn't take much to know his wound was infected. The white pus was the first and only clue he needed, but he couldn't find the courage or the will to go to the Sickbay. At first he didn't want to see a doctor because he couldn't stand the fact of anyone's hands on him. Then it finally dawned on him why he couldn't go. There was no way he could face seeing Dr. McCoy. He couldn't bare the look of disgust in his former friend's face.

As the minutes ticked by, he knew that he had no choice; the infection was getting worse. Looking at the closed door, he refused to leave unless he had to. He could feel the fire grow worse until he mentally went through the Sickbay staff list. He pushed his tired, exhausted, broken body up and crossed to the comm. Each step was painful and it took his breath away, but he had to talk to a certain doctor.

Once he got to the comm, it took him some time to muster up the energy to press the button. His heart clenched as he thought about McCoy answering the call. He didn't have the energy or the will to get into another fight with him. "Kirk to Sickbay," Jim gasped. It was getting hard to breathe. His heart stopped as he waited for someone to answer and his heart could beat again when it wasn't McCoy, who answered.

"Nurse Chapel, here. How can I help you, Captain?" She answered. Her sweet voice helped to calm him.

"Can you send Doctor M'Benga to my quarters?" he replied.

"Are you hurt, Captain?" she asked. There was a worried tone to her voice.

"Just send the doctor."

There was a pause. "McCoy is here. I can have him come to your quarters."

He could hear the hesitation in her voice. McCoy had made it known that he didn't want anyone else attending to Jim if he was available, and he would give said person an earful if they tried. "No. Just send M'Benga," Jim ordered.

There was a long pause before she answered. "Yes, Sir. He will be there in a few minutes," she stated.

Jim ended the call and crossed to the blankets on the floor, where he had been trying to sleep since returning to the ship. The very idea of sleeping repulsed him and he couldn't even look at a bed without sweating. Right now, the mattresses was flipped onto its side and pushed against the wall. Boxes were stacked upon the bed frame, making it impossible to be used. Despite being dead tired and his hands shaking just at the thought of using it, he couldn't take his eyes off it.

It didn't take long for M'Benga to arrive, and it took him even less time to realize Jim was in serious pain. "Captain Kirk," he stated as he rushed to his side. "Why didn't you alert Doctor McCoy?" His hand went to Jim's forehead. "You're burning up," he said, glancing around the room. The state of the room caught his eye, but it was the state of his bed that clearly shocked him. "What happened?" He reached into his bag looking for a specific hypo.

"This is infected," he answered as he left up his shirt.

M'Benga's eyes widened at the sight of Jim's injuries. "What the hell happened?" He asked as he examined the wound. It was swollen and filled with pus.

"Doesn't matter," he stated as he winced in pain. Even the light touches of M'Benga were agony.

"Captain Kirk, I can't fully help you unless you tell me what happened," the Doctor replied back as he stabbed Jim with a hypo.

Jim glanced at him. "It isn't important," he answered as he closed his eyes. He didn't have the energy to fight or argue.

M'Benga stared at him as he ran a medical scanner over his side. "Doctor McCoy was available. Why did you request me?" He asked as he turned to the P.A.D.D. for the results.

"McCoy will no longer be my attending doctor," Jim stated with a bad taste in his mouth. He never thought he would ever say that, and it was another painful reminder, but it did get him thinking. Did he really put McCoy in a role that he needed to play babysitter? Did he take advantage of McCoy and treated him like shit? Maybe, he just couldn't take it anymore, and… Jim knew McCoy was right. He had cleaned up a lot of Jim's messes. Maybe, he deserved everything that happened to him.

There was a long pause. "I can be your attending, but…." There was another long pause. "Sir, this is none of my concern, but it would serve you well if McCoy remained your attending. He's better aware of your medical history. Did something happen between the two of you?"

"You're right. It isn't your concern," Jim stated, snapping. He knew where M'Benga was coming from, but he didn't want to talk about it. "I just need you to do this."

"I understand and I will, but I will need you to be honest with me, Captain."

He should have known that M'Benga wouldn't let it go. He rotated slightly to look at him in the eyes. He took a deep breath. "I'll tell you," he stated, unable to fight anymore. The doctor was correct. In order to treat him, he would need to know everything that happened. "But you must promise that you don't tell anyone, and I mean anyone. You can't tell anyone else in the Sickbay especially Dr. McCoy."

There was a minute of silence as M'Benga thought about the request. "As it is the only way you will let me treat you, I'll do as you wish, but keeping secrets aren't good for anything." He paused as he rescanned Jim. "You have multiple injuries up and down your body."

Jim closed his eyes as he gathered his strength, and after a few seconds, he told him the entire horror story.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Aurelan hated not knowing and she was ready to snap on anyone, especially after Winona had snapped on her not long ago. She could understand Winona's feelings a little bit, because she was his mother and it would be painful for any parent to lose a child. If Winona kept acting like this, she was going to deck her. She looked over and saw the woman trying again to get the security officer to let her out of the room. Aurelan could see in his face that he didn't want to be here. Winona was slowly getting on everyone's last nerve.

Taking a deep breath, Aurelan looked down at her hands as she tried to relax. After they brought in Jim to the Sickbay, everything went to pieces. It had put the day's events on hold and sent everyone into a panic. No one could believe that this had happened. There had been an immediate backlash as no one could believe that Starfleet allowed one of their captains to be kidnapped. With all of the security, how could they allow this to happen? It only proved how dangerous Salean and his father had become. It seemed like no amount of security was going to stop them from getting to Jim. Despite Jim's stubbornness in refusing help, there should have been someone in Starfleet that could have protected him.

Aurelan took a deep breath as she tried to calm herself. It had been a few hours since she had learned that Jim had been transported to the Sickbay in critical condition and she still had not seen him. The only update came from Winona, who had been kicked out of the Sickbay, and it had been silent ever since. At the moment, she, Winona, and Sam were waiting in one of the observation decks in the Enterprise after being banned from the Sickbay per the CMO's orders. Jim's status was still too critical for him to have visitors. Doctor McCoy had told her that he would have someone keep them updated, but the waiting drove her crazy.

To make matters worse, she kept catching Sam staring at her. Unsure of what to say, she didn't say anything to him or his mother, who was giving her a death glare. She normally avoided anything to do with the two of them, but she wasn't going to leave Jim. He had enough people in his life that had abandoned him and didn't need anyone else to do it.

She closed her eyes to think, only to open them when she heard a loud commotion outside of the room. As she crossed to the door, the noise got louder.

"What the hell is that noise about?" Winona snapped as she got to her feet.

Aurelan glanced at her before she opened the door and was shocked to see so many officers running through the hall. It was like the ship was being attacked but that couldn't be right. They were docked and surrounded by several armed ships. She paused before realizing it had to be something else.

"Do you think something is wrong with Jim?" Winona asked as she stepped closer.

Sam took a deep breath. "I doubt that. Officers wouldn't be running around the whole ship." He looked around, "It has to be something else."

Aurelan took a deep breath as she stared out at the officers, which were mostly red shirts carrying phasers. _Are they expecting a prisoner or something?_ With that formation number, it looked like they were going to round up a deadly criminal. " _Maybe, they caught that son of the bitch,"_ Aurlean thought as she watched the chaos.

Without out another thought, Aurelan went out to see what was going on. If they really did catch him, she was going to beat the living shit out of him.

*O*O*

When Spock was brought into his Sickbay, it had taken McCoy by surprise. He wasn't expecting Spock to come back alive, let alone still on his feet with all of his wounds. He was covered in his own green blood, which shocked the doctor every time he looked at it. McCoy had always seen Spock as a robot and it wasn't just because he was emotionless; it was because McCoy saw him as invincible. He was nonmoving, strategic, and rational. There was no slowing him down, and though McCoy would never trade in his emotions, he couldn't help but appreciate how well it worked for Spock.

The Vulcan didn't keep his attention for long as Salean was brought in right after him, looking like he had been run over by a shuttle. Though McCoy couldn't bring himself to care, he wondered how the hell he was still alive. No one could survive that many injures and live, but the Doctor guessed there was a first for everything.

McCoy did not have time to think as he had a sickbay to run, and two more patients to take care of. He directed the medical officers to place Spock and Salean on two waiting beds. Both were conscious, but only one was easily put into a bed. Salean was fighting hard, even with both of his legs obviously worthless, as well as throwing annoying insults at his medical staff, which only made them harsher with him. In turn their actions made him angrier, which started the cycle again, and it all was giving him a headache.

"Once you have him down, make sure he's secured to the bed," McCoy ordered as he stared Salean down.

"I will not be tied down, pet! You forget who I am." Salean yelled as he tried to push away the nurses. "I am a member of the High Counsel!"

McCoy let out a short laugh. It was funny that he thought he had any power in this situation. "You are restrained and I'm the pet?" he asked as the nurses and orderlies successfully tied him down.

"You will learn your place, pet," Salean spouted back as Nurse Chapel waved the other nurses and orderlies away. Not playing attention to his rant, she applied the monitoring equipment to him. "I will have what I-" He yelped in pain as Nurse Chapel stabbed him with a hypo. He glared at her and yelled in his native language.

Leonard didn't doubt that Chapel stabbed him to make him shut up, but she would never admit it to him. "Salean, didn't your mother ever teach you not to curse in front of a lady?" he asked through a heavy accent.

Salean glared at McCoy. "Do not speak of my mother." He struggled against his restraints.

McCoy took a deep breath before he turned to Chapel. "Is he stable?" He asked.

"He is, but he will need his legs reset," she stated.

"I know. I'm planning to have that done soon so he can be transported to the brig," McCoy stated.

Chapel checked his status again before stepping away from the bed. "I'll check on the Commander then the Captain," she told McCoy as she closed the curtains around them.

"Thank you," McCoy stated as she left. He did not know what he would do without that woman, as she knew what he needed before he knew what he needed. She understood his worries and concerns, and knew how to handle it without being bothersome. "We'll have your legs fixed as soon as we fix up the other patients," he stated as he turned back to Salean who had a look of pure anger.

"That caregiver stated something about a captain. Was she speaking of James? How is he? I desire to see him."

McCoy flexed his fists. How dare he ask about Jim when he was the reason why Jim was in a coma? There was a chance that Jim would never wake up and even if he did, there was no telling what his mind would be. "You will never see Jim again," McCoy stated.

"You assume you can stop me but you can't."

"I have some babysitters for you," McCoy stated as he waved in two armed security officers. "They will watch and make sure you don't." As the officers took their places, McCoy left, not sure how much longer he could go without strangling that piece of filth. It took all that he had not to pick up a phaser and shoot him, and it irritated him that he was on the _Enterprise_. Starfleet was still trying to figure what to do with Salean and his father Seleen, and until then, they would be stuck on the ship. Hopefully, it wouldn't take too long for them to decide.

McCoy took a deep breath as he went to go check on Spock, who was being treated by M'Benga. "How's our favorite Vulcan doing, Dr. M'Benga?" he asked as he looked over Spock, whose skin was now clean of his blood. M'Benga had made quick work of healing all the cuts on his pale skin. With dark bruises still littering his skin, he knew it had been a miracle that nothing had been severely broken.

"I am well, Doctor," Spock answered before M'Benga could. "And I was not aware that I was your favorite Vulcan." He paused as he thought. "That statement is illogical. You have not met every Vulcan to make that assertion."

McCoy laughed. "I'm glad you're back. I miss this."

Spock just stared at him. "I can return the sentiment, but I do not enjoy this banter, Doctor."

McCoy laughed again. Yes, this banter annoyed the hell out of him, but thinking he would never see Spock again left him wanting it. He would never admit that he had grown attached to this Vulcan.

"The rest of his injuries should heal fine," M'Benga answered as he took off his gloves. He picked up a P.A.D.D. and placed under his arm. "I'll let you both talk while I file these reports." He nodded to them as he left.

"It's really good to see you alive, Spock. I thought I would be seeing your dead body," McCoy stated.

Spock pushed himself up and off the medical bed. "I did not believe I would survive that explosion as well." He picked up a black undershirt off the bed and slipped it over his head. "I see you are well."

"I am." McCoy eyed him as Spock pulled a blue science shirt over his head. He could see a tiny, almost nonexistence wince as he put his arms over his head. McCoy knew Spock was very good at hiding his pain.

"Where is Jim?" Spock asked as he pushed open the curtains. "How is he?"

McCoy took a deep breath, because there was no good answer he could give. "His condition is very critical. There's a chance he might not wake up." He was expecting something from Spock, but there were no readable emotions on his stoic face. Though he knew Spock never showed emotions, he expected something after everything that had happened. He didn't know what happened in the scuffle between Spock and Salean, but it couldn't have been good.

"What is the extent of his injuries?"

Leonard leaned against the bed. "Too many things to count. Broken ribs, deep cuts and bruises. Both his ankles are sprained and his wrists are severely abraded. His face is a mess. Salean and that quack of a doctor gave Jim so many different hypos that I can't give him anything without fearing it would cause a severe reaction," he answered. "Right now, we are trying to flush them out of his systems." There was a pause. "At the moment, he has a high fever that we can't break."

"There is nothing you can do to bring it down?"

McCoy closed his eyes. "We have kept his mattress cool and put a cooling blanket on top of him, but it does not seem to be working." He paused to study Spock. "Selek is with Jim now." It was that bit of information that got a reaction out of Spock which shocked McCoy. "You can see him if you like."

Spock didn't say anything and just walked in the direction of Jim's hospital bed.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

It was happening again. He couldn't sleep, and it wasn't because of the cold hard floor; it was because of the nightmares. No matter how tired he was, he couldn't sleep without seeing Salean's cold devilish face. Every night he would stare at the ceiling, trying to think of anything to escape the nightmares, but he kept going back to being tied down on the bed. He kept flashing back to the cold touches of Salean on his flesh and his foul smelling breath on his face. It brought shivers to him that he couldn't stop.

Unable to stare at the ceiling any longer, Jim got to his feet and stood still, unsure of what to do. He could stare at door that led to the conjoining restroom for hours on end. He didn't know why he stared at that door so often, when he knew that Spock would never walk through it. The Vulcan couldn't even look at him for longer than two seconds, and when he had to talk to him, he had his back toward him. It killed him, because he needed to see his eyes to feel some kind of normalcy, but he knew it would never happen.

Jim shook his head and crossed to the main door. Maybe, a walk could help him get his mind off _it_. One time he thought walking would help him sleep, but all it did was made it worse as he kept thinking people were staring at him, talking about him. He knew they all knew; they had to know. They thought he cheated and was nothing but a coward. He could see the doubt in their eyes; they didn't want him. As he stepped out of the room, he wondered why he was leaving his room. He should just stay and hide and never come out, but it only took a second for him to realize that he couldn't do that. He was still the Captain and had to face the crew.

Trying to clear his mind, he started his walk. As he hadn't been eating or sleeping much, it didn't take long for him to get tired, but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop. He kept walking in the hopes of completely tiring himself out, because it was only during exhaustion that he could sleep. M'Benga refused to give him any more sleeping pills without him seeing a therapist and he refused to see one of those. He didn't need someone tell him that he was healing wrong. He didn't need someone to explain what he was feeling. He needed to figure it on his own, without the help of someone who didn't know him.

As Jim rounded a corner, he felt someone's eyes burn into him, and it made his stomach drop. There across the hall was Uhura, who had been given him the stink eye from the second that she had learned that he had cheated from Spock, and had made it her life's mission to make his life a living hell for the pain that he caused Spock. She never said anything that he heard, but he knew she was talking about him; he could see it in her eyes whenever she spoke and he could see it pass to the people around him. However, the worst thing was how she cuddled up to Spock, telling him things, filling his stupid head with stupid things. It never occurred to her, despite her extensive training in mediation, to ask for both sides of the story. Just like Spock, she had allowed a lie to twist her mind. Only Uhura went further, doing everything she could to hurt him, to turn everyone against him. Chekov was the only one who stood up to her on his behalf.

Unable to deal with the stares, Jim turned and walked away. He had been doing that a lot lately, as he didn't have the energy to deal with the drama. The one time he even thought about it, Spock stopped him with a look. A look that was forever stuck in his mind; it reminded him of the look that Salean gave him, and it froze him. It drove his stomach to the ground and he almost lost it, like he was about to now. How could Spock look at him like that?

Jim took a deep breath as he headed to the engineering deck. Whenever he needed time or needed to hide, he would hide in one of the spots that Scotty had showed him. He worried the chief engineer whenever he went down there, but there was nowhere else he could go to be alone. His quarters were no longer safe. It was just another place where he could be raped. The bridge was no longer warming and inviting. It was a place where he was tested endlessly and where he failed. Every day it was harder to take his place in the Captain's chair. He knew he had to be strong or the ship and its crew would eat him alive. If he let that happen, Salean would win. But right at this moment, he was off duty, and he didn't have to shield himself.

It did not take long for Jim to make it to Engineering and even less time for him to crawl into his spot. He caught a few strange looks, but it wasn't anything he wasn't used to. Even without the rumors running through this ship, there were a few stares because he looked like death. He had become extremely pale, and lost a lot of weight. His clothes were a few sizes too big for him now. He couldn't bring himself to eat. He would just stare at the food, and if it wasn't for M'Benga forcing oatmeal on him… if it wasn't for Scotty, insisting they share sandwiches… if it wasn't for Chekov bringing him soup… he would probably be dead. They were the only ones making sure Jim was eating enough to keep himself alive.

Getting comfortable in the small hiding spot, Jim curled up in a ball. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but he knew it was futile as his sleep never lasted for long. The second he reached REM sleep was the second that he was startled awake by some nightmare. If he wasn't dreaming of Salean, he was dreaming of Spock, who had turned extremely cold and refused to stop or say anything that Jim was facing. In some, he just stood there and watched as some psychopath attacked him. In others, he couldn't even look at him and just called him trash and slut, sometimes in standard in other times in Vulcan.

However, this time he was woken up by Commander Scott, who was sporting a worried look on his face. "Captain," he stated looking Jim over. "You're needed on the bridge."

Jim stared at him, wondering why Scott was looking at him like that. There was no hatred or annoyance like that of the rest of crew. It was the same look Chekov gave him. "How long have I been out?" he asked as he straightened himself up. The angle that he attempted to sleep in was awkward and it hurt to stretch. Even in this cramped secure space, there was no rest.

Scotty looked at him. "Not long, Sir." He paused. "Are you okay?" he asked, as he looked him over.

"Good," he stated as he pushed himself up. It was a struggle as his legs felt very weak.

"However, sir, it looked like you were hav-"

Jim cut him off before Scott could finish his sentence. Though the chief engineer never asked what was wrong or what had happened, Jim could sense that he had figured something bad had happened. Montgomery Scott, though never the emotional guy who anyone would really talk to, was willing to listen and give Jim whatever he needed. "I don't want to talk about it," Jim stated, as he walked past the concerned officer. With his back to Scotty, Jim said, "Thanks."

"Thanks for what?"

"A lifeline," Jim stated as he exited the area. Without him, Jim doubted that he would have made it this far. Scotty kept him sane when everyone else wanted him to fail. He used Scotty to keep himself up. There were many times he just wanted to go jump off a cliff, but every time he was on the edge he thought about the chief engineer. Thinking about him also made him think about M'Benga and Chekov, and he would back away. Why was he so reliant on people? Even before his life became a living nightmare, he was always using someone to get through life. Is that why Salean wanted him? Did the monster figure out he was weak enough to control? Did he see that he was a fake? That he really didn't deserve being a Captain?

*O*O*

When Jim stepped onto the Bridge, he was exhausted and knew it showed, but he wasn't going to let it get to him. He had a job to do. He had to show everyone he could be the captain of the _Enterprise_.

"Kaptain on the Bridge," Chekov yelled as Jim stepped to his chair.

As he had trained himself to do, he didn't acknowledge or look at anyone, going straight to his chair. "What did you find, Commander Spock?" Jim asked, staring at his hands. He could still see the red outlines from the ropes that Salean had used on him. It took his breath away each time he looked at them.

There was a pause from Spock as if he was fighting with himself to speak. Jim had an urge to look back to check, but he forced himself to keep looking forward. "We have located the source of the energy, Sir."

"And have you sent a search team down to find it?" Jim asked, still staring at his hands. He couldn't even look up at the monitor, which had the planet they were circling on it.

"We were waiting for you, Sir," Spock answered.

There was a tone in his voice that Jim didn't care for, but he was sure he was probably imagining it. Spock did not have tones. "Why?" Jim asked.

"I assumed that you would like to be a part of the search team," Spock replied.

Jim could feel the Vulcan glare on his back. "You assumed wrong," he answered. The very thought of going down to any planet freaked him out. He did not want to be that open again. If he just stayed on the ship, nothing would have happened. Instead he ignored protocol and beamed down to the surface. And what did that get him? More than half the time he ended up nearly dead or injured. He should have just stayed on the ship like other Captains and sent the crew in his place. Now that would change. "I will be staying on the ship," he stated. He could hear Spock get up and step toward his chair.

"That is unlike you, Captain," Spock stated. His tone was back.

He stood and turned in the opposite direction of Spock. It hurt to be that close to the Vulcan. "You yell at me when I want to go and now you yell at me because I don't want to go?" Jim asked annoyed. He needed to get off this bridge and back into his quarters. Spock was too close, and it took everything he had to keep his hands from shaking. "It would be foolish of me to go," he stated. Why was it getting hard to breathe? Why was Spock doing this to him?

"Being foolish hadn't stopped you before, Captain," Uhura interjected.

_Don't look at her,_ Jim told himself. Looking at her wouldn't do anything good. "Just put together a team, Mr. Spock. I trust your judgment," Jim stated, but he regretted it a second later.

"Too bad he can't trust yours," Uhura shot back.

Jim turned to Uhura and was met with her death glare. Did everyone else on this bridge feel the same way? With the exception of Chekov, they were all giving him the look, and none of them looked too happy. He could see doubt in their eyes.

"Uhura!" Chekov yelled.

"It's fine, Chekov," Jim stated as he entered the lift. "I'm heading to my quarters if you need me." As the doors closed, he glanced around the room again and his heart pinged as his gaze landed on Spock. Did he really just allow Uhura to speak to him like that? Did he allow himself to be chased off the bridge? He was losing control of himself and the crew, and he couldn't allow that to happen. His heartbeat started to beat rapidly as it started to get harder to breathe the second that he got off the lift. As he walked to his quarters, he tried to get those thoughts out of his head. He tried to get rid of his fear, because he couldn't allow himself to care what they thought. The second he allowed himself to lose what little he had left was the second that Salean won, and it would be the second that he was truly gone.

However, he didn't make it to his quarters as he was stopped by Spock, who was giving him one of his nasty looks that he would never admit to. "How can I help you, Mr. Spock?" Jim asked as his voice betrayed him. It was so hard to be around his former lover when he looked at him like that.

Spock looked him over. "I am concerned about your ability to captain the Enterprise."

Jim felt himself shiver as Spock looked over him. "You do not believe that I can run this ship?" Jim asked, annoyed. How dare he doubt him! Jim would give up his life for the Enterprise in a heartbeat. He would give up his life for anyone on board this ship. He would do whatever it took to make sure that nothing happened to this ship, so how dare he think couldn't run it… _Maybe, you should've listened. Maybe, I should have just let Spock resign like he wanted._ He paused as he thought. _If anyone resigns, it should be me._

"You are being irrational." Spock was still staring at him.

"I have always been irrational, Spock! That's why you dated me in the first place," he argued.

Spock didn't move. His eyes looked down at Jim. "It was an error, Captain."

No matter how many times Spock said that to him, it took his breath away each time he heard it. "Just go away, Spock," he begged. He did not have the energy for this fight.

"I cannot, Captain, as you are not well. I have noticed you have not been sleeping or eating." Spock paused. "Dr. McCoy would agree."

Something snapped inside of his head. This was their plot, wasn't it? They wanted that from the beginning, didn't he? Was this Spock's sick plan all along? He didn't even know what he would do if he lost the ship. "Well it's a good thing that Dr. M'Benga is my attending physician. McCoy would have no idea of my state." The very thought of losing this ship stole his breath.

"Why is Dr. M'Benga tending to you instead of Dr. McCoy?" Spock asked, clearly surprised by that information.

"It's none of your concern," Jim snapped. "If you want to take the ship from me, you know how, so do it. Why are you even here, Commander?"

"Your state is my concern, Captain," Spock stated. "If you are unfit to be the captain, you should not be on this ship."

He knew what this was about. "Just say it. You don't want me as your captain. You're just bitter about our relationship ending." He gave him the biggest glare he could muster. "I am not giving up the chair."

Spock gave him his Vulcan glare. "You are a fool if you believe this is about your infidelity." His eyes flecked to Jim's wrist then to his face. "Your physical and mental capacities have been compromised and you are unable to operate at a level that is required."

That was a slap to his face. "My mental capacity? You think I can't handle this?" He felt like someone was sitting on his chest. "Come off it!"

"It is obvious that you are unable to function at the level required. Your lack of sleep is affecting your ability to deliberate and think rationally. You are a danger to this ship," Spock stated. His posture was tall and stiff, with his hands were folded behind his back.

"I'm a danger?!" Jim asked. He didn't know why it was so shocking to hear it from Spock, when he thought the same things. It was the reason why he didn't want to go down with the landing party.

"You are acting reckless," Spock answered.

"Whatever, Spock. Do what you want! Just take it like you took everything else," Jim yelled as he stormed away from Spock. This was why he wouldn't be around anyone; they could see that he was broken. Yet instead of helping, they rooted for him to fail. How could they turn on him?

As he entered his room, his anger started to grow as he thought about all of the shit he was putting up with. Why did he put up with this? He was the fucking captain! He was should be in control, not barely able to function. It made him question everything that Admiral Pike had seen in him when they had met at the bar. Why the hell was he so weak? Why couldn't he stand up for himself? Why did Pike give him the _Enterprise_?

"What's wrong with me?" he yelled as he fell to his knees. He couldn't eat without feeling like he was going to puke. He couldn't sleep without getting nightmares. He couldn't even go on landing parties without turning into a coward. The very thought of going down almost gave him a heart attack. "What's wrong with me?" he repeated. He didn't deserve to be Captain of the _Enterprise_.

As he tried to stop himself from hyperventilating, he pushed himself to his feet and crossed to the desk that held a tray of food that M'Benga had brought him last night. Unable to look at it, he threw it to the ground. His chair was next, followed by the books he had on his desk. Still angry, he kicked the items that he threw on the ground until his foot started to hurt. "Why me!" he hollered. "Why me!" he repeated again, this time crying.

He crossed to his makeshift bed and kicked it as it was painful to even look at. "Damn you, Salean," he stated as he fell to his knees. He clutched the blanket in his hands and rested his head against the ground. He couldn't believe that the _Enterprise_ was going to be taken from him. How could Spock do that to him? Did he know that the ship was the only thing kept him going? "Damn you, Salean," he whispered as he tears dripped onto his hand. Maybe, he shouldn't be the Captain, when he needed it more than the ship needed him. "I… I can't… I can't do it," he whispered, barely able speak.

After having his face in the ground for a few minutes, he pushed himself up. He couldn't do this. He just couldn't just curl up on the floor and die. "I…" he said as he crossed to the monitor. He needed to speak to someone, because he was going to explode if he didn't. Jim typed in the codes and waited. It didn't take long for the call to connect. Selek appeared on a screen in a few seconds and it took even less time for him to know something was wrong.

"Jim, what is wrong?" Selek asked. "Did something happen?"

If he didn't already felt like shit, the look that Selek was giving him cut him to the core. Did he really look that pathetic? But he guessed he was because he was crying to a Vulcan. "Spock wants to take the _Enterprise_ from me." It broke his heart to say those words.

"Spock would never take the _Enterprise_ from you. You are the only Captain worthy of the _Enterprise._ What would make you believe that?" Selek stated, shocked.

Jim didn't know if he could tell him that… Wait, what was he doing? "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have called. You don't have time to talk to me." He was about to click the communication off when Selek called to him.

"Do not think that. I will always have time for you." He gave Jim a look that Jim couldn't pull himself away from. It drew him in. "Please Jim, tell me. What is wrong?"

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Spock just stared at Jim as his chest moved ever so slowly, torturing him. The severe bruising and numerous deep cuts, both his eyes so badly bruised and swollen they looked unreal. How could this happen to Jim? How could he have let it happen? How could he think that Jim would ever cheat on him? In an instant the answer came to him. He was foolish and scared. He had never felt this way about anyone, and the idea of losing that scared him. It made him act in a very shameful way as a Vulcan, and he wished he could make up with Jim even if it was impossible.

"Has there been any change?" Spock asked as he noticed Selek sitting next to Jim.

Selek glanced from his spot. "I see you are on your feet, Spock."

Spock glanced at him. "I am," he stated as he stared at the monitor above Jim's head. His heartbeat and brain functions were weak, almost unreadable.

"Jim is in a coma." It hurt him deeply as Selek said those words. He thought back to his Jim, who would refuse to be in a coma. His Jim was not the type of person to lie down for long in a hospital bed even if he should. It was strange to see his younger counterpart like this.

"He is."

There was something about Selek that Spock did not particularly like. He was his counterpart from the future, but he did not like his relationship with Jim and he was not fond of the idea that Jim turned to Selek when he needed someone. "Does McCoy know when Jim will wake?" Spock asked.

"I don't," McCoy stated as he burst into the room with a P.A.D.D. "And there hasn't been any change," he stated before they can ask for anything else.

"Any idea of when he could wake?" Spock asked. To see Jim like this made him regret not killing Salean.

McCoy took a deep breath. "No," he stated simply. He stared at Jim for a few seconds as he tried to figure out what to say. "I have talked with M'Benga, and we both agree that the chances of Jim waking up are slim."

That statement shocked Spock, because he couldn't understand how that was possible. How could the famous Dr. McCoy fail? He was one of the best (if not the best) doctor in Starfleet, and when no other doctor could find a cure, McCoy could. Spock had come to rely on McCoy's excellent skills, though he would never tell him that. The doctor was hard enough to deal with on a daily basis. If he knew how much Spock respected him, there would be no end to his illogical banter. However, his respect for the doctor was slowly dying at each passing second that Jim laid unconscious. Why was he wasting time talking to them when he could be finding a way to save Jim? Did he not understand that he needed to save Jim? He needed to act fast or they could lose him, and they couldn't let that happen.

"Jim is known for doing the impossible, Doctor," Selek stated, starting Spock from his thoughts. "Is there any course of action that you are thinking of taking?"

"There is." McCoy answered as he glanced toward Spock. "I've been talking to Sarek."

Spock turned to McCoy. "You have been speaking with my father?" he asked shock. Why was he talking to his father instead of saving Jim?

"Sarek confirmed my fear," McCoy stated.

"Which is?" Spock asked.

"Jim is in a deep coma, and neither your father nor I believe that he will wake on his own," McCoy stated as he stared at Jim's closed eyes.

"You imply that there is a way to help him wake?" Selek asked.

McCoy took a deep breath as he quickly checked Jim's I.V. "Sarek suggested that the only way to wake Jim to is to do that Vulcan mind thing with him. He's so far into his mind."

"It is called a Vulcan mind meld," Spock stated as he stared at the I.V. It was plain torture to watch the I.V. drip, because it was a constant reminder that he had failed everything that he was as a Vulcan and a Starfleet officer. He had failed Jim on every level, and now he was paying the price. "Are you suggesting that someone mind meld with Jim?"

Selek glanced at Spock. "I would not believe it would be wise for you to do so, Spock," he stated before he could volunteer.

Spock did not like Selek's glance. He was so used to being treated as inferior by his own kind, it did not bother him; however, he did not like to be judged by his own self, who had lived a completely different life. "Why would you believe that?" There was no one better than he to enter Jim's mind as he knew him the best. _Do you deserve to enter his mind?_ He asked himself. Jim's mind was a safe heaven, and after what he had done, he did not deserve to enter such a cherished place.

"You lack control," Selek stated. He glanced at Spock before turning to Jim. "You are emotionally unstable."

"You insult me?" Spock asked. "You look at Jim as if he is yours. Your Jim is long gone. You do not have a right to mine." Spock knew Selek was correct; he was losing control of himself. There was no telling what could happen if he were to go inside of Jim's mind. If he wasn't careful, he could tear Jim's mind apart. To successfully complete a mind meld, one must be in complete control and able to contain himself and at that point, Spock doubted he could do that.

"I do not desire that. I only desire Jim's happiness," Selek stated. "What do you desire, Spock?"

McCoy glanced between the two with a calculating look in his eyes. "You two can cockfight later. We have other things to worry about."

"Cockfight, Doctor?" Selek asked. He gave him a look, but there was no annoyance in his eyes. There was a hint of laughter behind the older Vulcan's eyes. "This is not a blood fight between two roosters and there is no currency value if we were to fight."

"You're funny, you know that," McCoy stated. "Why can't Spock be like you?"

"Did my father mention anything else?" Spock asked, changing the subject. They did not have time for everyone to compare him to his counterpart.

"He stated that Spock should do that mind thingy with Jim," McCoy stated as he eyed Selek. "I know you don't like it, but he believes Spock would be the only one that could reach Jim." He eyed Jim's slow moving chest for a second before glancing at the monitor. Jim's brain activity was almost at a nonfunctional level.

Selek glanced toward Spock. "Our father might be correct. You had a special connection with him that nothing can compete with."

Though Sarek was their father, it was odd to hear him refer to Sarek as their father. Sarek was different than Selek's father and there was no comparing them. How could he claim his father as his own? "You trust me within my T'hy'la's mind now?"

"No, I do not," Selek stated.

"Selek, he's our only shot." McCoy stated, "He has to try. I can't sit here and just watch Jim waste away, because that's what he's doing." McCoy was clearly pissed. His nails dug into his skin. "For the most part, I drained his body of the toxins, but I can't…" He paused as he looked for the right words. "I can't jump start his mind. I, no, we need Spock. If you don't let him, so help me God, I will hypo you to death."

"I am not saying he should not attempt because Jim is not ready." Selek paused and eyed Spock. "It is Spock who is not ready, and I cannot allow someone who doubts himself inside of Jim's mind." He stood up slowly and stepped toward Spock. "Do you disagree, young one?"

Spock stood firmly with his arms behind his back as he stared at Jim's closed eyes. "No, I do not." He was insulted earlier when Selek stated he had no control, but he was correct. Though he looked calm and controlled, inside he was a mess. His emotions were running rampant and he would not subject the already fragile Jim to that. If he wasn't careful, he could rip Jim's mind to pieces. There was also the fact that he did not have the right to be in Jim's meld; he had left Jim broken and alone. He had betrayed the safe haven of Jim's mind and was not worthy of it. "You should be the one, who should enter Jim's mind," Spock told Selek. "I cannot enter."

"I cannot as it is not my place," Selek stated.

"It is not mine," Spock replied. His eyes glanced in the direction of Salean, who was strapped down in a bed. "I have lost that right."

"I cannot reach him, young one. I am not the one he needs," he stated. "He needs you."

"He does not. He told me so," Spock stated.

"He needs-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP," McCoy yelled. He glared at them both. "Spock, just do it. If Jim gets mad at you, at least he will be awake." He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. "Just do something."

Spock glanced at McCoy, who was just as affected by Jim's state as he was, but he could see that the doctor was doing all that he could, while he just watched. He knew he had to get over himself and help Jim, because his pity was a handicap that he was using to justify his feelings "You are correct for once, Doctor," Spock stated.

"For once?" McCoy asked as he watched Spock stepped toward Jim.

"Not now, Leonard," Selek stated as Spock took a seat next to Jim. "You can argue with Spock later. He needs to prepare himself."

"Just tell me what you need," McCoy stated as he watched the younger Vulcan calm himself. Spock closed his eyes as he slowed his breathing. "And I am not sure I like you calling me by my first name, hobgoblin."

Selek let out a small chuckle. "Neither did your counterpart."

McCoy watched as the younger Vulcan took deep controlled breaths. Through his portable scanner he watched as Spock's heartrate slowed down to a calm level. Several times he wanted to shout at Spock to start the meld but remembered what Sarek had warned him. Spock had to be in complete control or else he could end up destroying both Jim and himself.

"I am ready," Spock stated as he opened his eyes and glanced at him.


	21. The Mind's Depths

It was total darkness for Jim with no up or down. He couldn't tell what was going on or if he still existed in time. His mind was so confused that he did not know what was real anymore. He didn't know if his memories were real, or what was true. What he did know was that he was trapped somewhere, and he had no idea of how to get out.

Did he want to get out? Did he want to face his demons? He didn't know if he would be able to. He wasn't able to see the past, or what he thought was the past. He was just spineless baby, who couldn't do anything but whine in a corner. He was weak and he was a coward. There was no point in denying it, though he wasn't sure if it was something he could fix. His fear had taken ahold of him, and he didn't know if he could free himself of the pain.

He could see something had taken ahold of him and had pulled him deeper…

*O*O*

* * *

Jim's back had started to hurt from sleeping on the floor, but he still could not go anywhere near the bed, which served as a reminder to his failure. Instead, he just lay on the floor with a pillow under his back as he stared up at the ceiling. A tray of food on the table was left touched but not eaten, while another half-eaten tray had been thrown in the trash. Dr. M'Benga had sat with him the day before and made him eat as he watched, making something as simple as eating into a painfully awkward moment. He wasn't a child, though if he thought about it, he was acting like a child. No wonder why no one wanted him to be the captain.

"Shut it," he told himself as he pushed himself up. "Just suck it up." He had to stop acting like a baby and grow up.

He crossed to the desk and took a seat in front the tray. He slowly picked up the fork, but he couldn't do anything besides poking at the replicated food. Forcing himself, he put it to his mouth, as he wasn't a child and he didn't need someone to feed him. As the food neared his mouth, the smell made him nauseous. In fact, he was going to puke. Feeling something rise up to the back of his throat, he bolted to bathroom. He didn't bother to check if the room was empty. The only ones allowed to use it were himself, and a certain First Officer, who should be on duty.

Jim didn't enjoy puking, and this time was no different, even if he had nothing in his stomach to puke up. He was going through the painful motions of dry heaving, coughing up a small amount of his stomach acid. His stomach ached as it forced the air out. His throat burned as he arched forward over the toilet. His back throbbed as he leaned over and rested his forehead against the toilet. He felt like he was on fire as he struggled to breathe. What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn't even puke without turning into a baby.

It wasn't until he pushed himself off the toilet that he realized that he was not alone. Standing in the doorway was his traitorous First Officer, who was looking at him with disgust, though Spock would never admit to it. He was too goddamn perfect for that. The Vulcan never made a mistake and it made Jim sick. Without saying a word, Jim pushed himself to his feet and turned to the door.

"If you are ill, Captain, you should go see Dr. McCoy," Spock stated in his monotone voice that drove Jim up a wall.

Jim glanced over his shoulder at Spock. He didn't have the energy for this argument, though Spock would refuse to acknowledge it as one. "I'm not sick, Commander," Jim responded. "And you can ask M'Benga if you like. He can attest to that." Jim knew why the Vulcan kept pushing him to see McCoy. He wanted him declared medically unstable and needed the CMO to assist him as M'Benga would not sign off on it.

"I do not know if I value Dr. M'Benga's diagnosis as you are clearly not well."

"Why do you care if I'm sick?" Jim asked, knowing that Spock was trying to take his ship from him. Why did he have to take everything from him? Couldn't he just leave him with something? Unable to take whatever answer Spock had, he bolted out of the room, shutting the door behind him. He couldn't take the look the Vulcan was giving him. Those judging eyes cut through him. They made him feel like a child and a failure, and he was sick of always being a failure.

Storming into his quarters, he couldn't contain his anger any longer. He flung the tray off the table, and kicked the food across the room, but it wasn't enough. Turning to his makeshift bed, he kicked it until it was against the wall. He was sick and tired of feeling like this; he was sick and tired of being treated like shit. He was sick of the looks and the whispers, but there wasn't much he could do. He brought this onto himself; he was the reason. There was no one else to blame but himself.

It made him feel like he was worthless and that pissed him off. He wasn't worthless. He had proved that when he saved the Earth. He was the damn captain! He was supposed to be a leader, but why didn't he feel like one? Why did he allow himself to be beaten? Why didn't he stand up for himself?

His life was different after that one night, and it hit him hard by how much it had affected him. He realized it had to do with how weak he felt. His strength had left him. How could he allow that to happen to him? Why wasn't he strong enough? If it was possible, negative thoughts flooded his mind, forcing out everything else.

He crossed to the monitor as he needed to vent what he was feeling, but who he could he talk to? He couldn't keep calling Selek with all of his problems. The Vulcan elder shouldn't waste all of his valuable time on him when he had other things to worry about; besides he already regretted calling Selek in the first place. He felt like a child, needing someone to hold his hand as he cried. He refused to be a child.

Shaking his head, he stepped away from the monitor and moved towards the door. He had to get out of this room before he did something crazy. He didn't want to contact someone and then regret what he might say. Though he was fighting it, there was a part of him that agreed with Spock. He knew if he stayed, he might give in, and resign his position. He knew he was a huge mess. Spock was right; he was losing it. He had lost what made him a good captain.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Selek watched as Spock readied himself to enter Jim's mind. They both knew it would be difficult as Jim would not want Spock in his mind. Jim would fight him every step of the way, which would hurt both Spock and himself, and the damage could not be repaired if the young Vulcan was not careful. There was a part of him that worried about letting Spock enter Jim's mind, but he was the only choice. They were each other's other half, even if Spock did not deserve him, even after everything that happened, even if Jim hated him. They belonged together.

The elder Vulcan took a deep breath as he thought about how their lives would have been had Spock not turned away from Jim. He had enjoyed a love-filled life with his own Jim that ended too soon. The younger Vulcan did not know how wonderful he had it, being able to love Jim from nearly the moment they met, and it annoyed him that Spock threw it all away without a second thought. If he really cared, wouldn't he have fought for it? Why did he just let Jim go so easy? If it had been him, he would not have let Jim go. He would have asked Jim for the truth. Now, he had to help his counterpart get back what little was left of their relationship.

"Are you prepared?" Selek asked as he glanced around the room. Dr. McCoy, though not pleased about it, had left them alone with Jim and had cleared the area so no one would interrupt them. He understood that they needed to do this in private, even if he did not want to leave Jim's side. Selek did not blame him, knowing that McCoy regretted everything he had done; plus, knowing Jim, he would probably die or stop breathing the second he left. The kid was near death more often than anyone else he knew.

"I shall never be ready," Spock answered. He glanced down at Jim.

Selek stared at him, feeling foolish for even asking. He had known the answer without even looking at Spock. "You understand what you need to do. You must be careful not to rip apart Jim's mind," he warned.

"You do not need to warn me. I am aware," he answered.

"You must not take anything in his mind personally," Selek added. He had been inside of Jim's mind before, and it wasn't like anything he had expected. It was difficult to be inside of Jim's mind, feeling everything that Jim was feeling. The hatred nearly overtook him. "If you allow it to, you will fail."

Spock did not look at Selek as he kept his eyes on Jim's blank face. "You fail to take into account that this is my fault," Spock responded. "I can never get rid of that feeling." He paused. "It is a haunting feeling."

"Then you should not enter Jim's mind," Selek answered.

"You may be correct, but we cannot wait," Spock stated. There was something in Spock's voice that worried Selek. He did not sound defeated, but he did not sound certain of himself. He was unsure of what the young Vulcan was thinking. "Jim's readings are decreasing with every hour. We must do this now."

"I have seen his readings," Selek replied as he looked up at the monitor above Jim's head. "Are you ready to enter his mind?"

"I am," Spock stated as he leaned forward and placed his hand over Jim's face.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

When Jim woke up, he had made a plan to go with the next landing party, but the second he stepped on the bridge and gave the order, he froze and his heart stopped. He couldn't even start the sentence to say he was going with them. He couldn't do anything besides staring forward with his mouth wide open. If there had been any flies on the ship, they would have flown right in his mouth. He knew he looked like an idiot, but he couldn't say anything. He couldn't make a sound. How pathetic was that?

"Are you going with the landing party, Captain?" Spock asked. His eyes were glaring eyes into Jim's back.

Jim knew what the question really was; it was a test. It always was a fucking test. The Vulcan was looking for a way to take his ship from him, and he would do anything to achieve it. If Jim didn't watch, Spock would succeed, though if he couldn't get a sentence out, may be Spock was correct. However, he was going to go down fighting no matter what, even if the odds were stacked high before him. And at the moment, they were.

"Are you okay, _Captain_?" Uhura asked, stressing his rank. Her bitterness was dripping from her words. If looks could kill, Jim would be dead. "Do you need a doctor, Sir?" Each word was colder than the last.

"…No, I don't," Jim stated, as he glanced around the bridge and seeing every eye on him. He had tried to tell himself that they all didn't hate him, but he was failing. All he could see was his failure in their eyes; he could see their distrust in him. He knew they didn't trust him or his decisions anymore.

"I can beg to differ," Uhura shot back.

She was getting bolder in her comments, and Jim knew as her Captain, he should stop it, but at that moment, he didn't have the strength. He really had nothing to say in his defense. "Just send out the party, Commander," he stated as turned away from the crew. Jim didn't give anyone a second look as he entered the lift, and the second the doors closed, he fell to his knees in mental and physical exhaustion.

He knew his insomnia was hurting him. He wasn't able to walk the ship like he used to. He couldn't even walk to the bridge from his quarters without being out of breath. His strength was weakening, which was probably a good thing that he didn't go with the landing party. He didn't need to slow everyone down.

And there it was his answer. He knew what he was doing, but he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop attacking himself, because he blamed himself for _it._ He was the reason why _it_ happened. If he had been stronger, if he wasn't some pathetic loser, none of it would have happened.

_Stop it!_ He yelled at himself. But how could he stop it? He was right. He was a loser that no one wanted. He didn't even trust himself, which was the issue. He couldn't even look at himself without feeling disgusted. How could he have let _that_ happen? Even with all that he had been through, he had never hated himself.

He knew the secret of how to get better and that was stopping these thoughts. It involved forgiving himself, but how could he forgive himself when he had hurt anyone so badly? Though Jim hated his First Officer at the moment, he knew how much pain the Vulcan was going through. And it was his fault. He was the reason.

_No, you aren't!_ A voice in his head shouted, like it had been saying since _it_ happened, but Jim wasn't listening. One, he never listened, and two, if it was in his head, it couldn't be correct. He was never correct about anything. His ideas never turned out well for anyone, as they at times got people killed and he always ended up in the medical bay. _Stop it,_ the voice stated. Shaking his head, he pushed himself to his feet and closed his eyes as he tried to catch his balance. After taking a deep breath, he headed to the Medical Bay. Though he did not want to see McCoy, he needed to see M'Benga, or he was going to go crazy if he wasn't already passed that point.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the medical bay and took a look around. Not seeing McCoy, he stepped deeper into the bay. His stomach growled and his body ached as he walked through the noisy sick bay. The nurses, who were talking up a storm, looked up and greeted him, though the greeting felt more of an attack than anything else. They were all judging him with those eyes, probably after hearing McCoy bitch. Shaking his head, he glanced at Nurse Chapel, who was looking at him differently than the others. He could see that she was worried about him as he did look like shit. He had lost a large amount of weight, and he was beginning to look like a zombie.

Jim passed by McCoy's office, and he could see the CMO was sitting behind the desk working on a report. He didn't notice Jim staring at him. McCoy looked different, he looked older. Jim stared at him, fighting the urge to go in there and speak to him. They hadn't spoken to each other since the fight in the transporter room, and he had wanted to speak to him, if only to argue. Since that day, he had only seen McCoy once or twice, and the look in his eyes stopped Jim in his tracks.

There was another part of him that was livid. McCoy had no right to be mad; he wasn't the one raped. He wasn't the one everyone hated; Jim was the one who was falling apart. He was the one dying on the inside. McCoy had no right at all to be angry. Besides, he was supposed to be his best friend, who was supposed to be with him until the end. What the hell happened for this to have occurred? Shaking his head, he stepped away from the office.

A few feet away, he felt dizzy and had to stop to take a breath. "Come on, Jim," he whispered. His stomach groaned in pain from vomiting and lack of food. Taking another deep breath, Jim pushed himself forward to where Dr. M'Benga was located. The Doctor was sitting in the back of the bay with a P.A.D.D. in front of him. "M'Benga," Jim called when he come within a few feet of the Doctor.

The doctor looked up and his smile narrowed into a frown. "You haven't been eating," he stated.

"I tried," was Jim's response.

"And you aren't sleeping either," M'Benga stated as he pulled a medical curtain around them. "Sit here." He pointed toward a bench.

Jim closed his eyes as he obeyed. "Can you give me something?" he asked, no begged. He sounded pathetic.

"Captain Kirk, I'm afraid I can't until you see a therapist. Giving you all of these drugs, isn't good for you," M'Benga stated as he waived the medical scanner above Jim. "You need to eat."

"I tried."

M'Benga backed up slightly as he looked him over. "If you don't eat, you will end up in one of these beds, or worse, dead."

"I'm trying. Don't you think I'm trying?" Jim pushed himself to his feet and pushed pass M'Benga. "I don't want to be like this. I want to eat. I want to sleep, but I…." He drifted off, unable to finish his sentence. Every time he had tried, his mind would freak, and he lost the ability to breathe.

"Kirk," M'Benga said as he turned to Jim, who was now pacing.

"I tried to eat earlier, but I just puked." Jim shook his head violently. "And Commander Spock was there to see it!" He stated, angry. "Just one more thing that Vulcan can use against me."

There was a long pause. "I can prescribe you something now, but only a few pills. You need to speak to someone."

Jim took another deep breath. "I would if there was someone," he answered as a flash of dizziness passed through him. He blinked a few time to focus his mind and took another deep breath. "There's no one," he stated. Everyone that he had ever trusted had turned on him, and he didn't want to put any more on Chekov and Scotty.

M'Benga backed up and handled him a bottle with a few pills. "Go back to your quarters and take one. After you sleep, let me know if you're feeling any better."

"I will."

"And you need to stop sleeping on the floor," M'Benga stated. "You're killing your spine."

"I can't sleep on that bed," Jim stared as he pushed open the curtain. "I can't sleep on any bed."

"Kirk."

Jim shook his head and stepped away in a rush. He couldn't take talking anymore; he couldn't take baring his soul to anyone. If he did that, they would probably just stab him in the back. Shaking his head, he stormed pass McCoy, who had come out of his office, and out of the medical bay.

*O*O*

*O*O*

When Spock first entered Jim's mind, he had expected there to be some kind of fight, but it was too calm and that worried him. A mind such as Jim's should have more energy than this, but now it was dull, almost boring. There was nothing, and that was a horrible sign. Jim's wonderful mind should not be this quiet. It should be bright and vivid.

The young Vulcan took a long look around, but there was nothing. The grey sky was empty. The dull grey, ground went on forever, and no matter how far he walked, nothing changed and he got nowhere. He even tried to influence Jim's mind with his own, but nothing happened. He continued the trek for what seemed like days.

Spock was about to pull himself out of Jim's mind as he felt his own mind slipping. He was losing control as Jim's mind started to influence his, but before he could leave, a shadow took shape a few feet in front of him. The shadow was tiny compared to Spock, who towered over it. Spock couldn't speak as he watched the shadow form into a boy, who looked barely older than eight Earth years. However, it was hard to be sure of the age as the body was tiny, and he was drowning in his clothes. He looked like he had not eaten in a long time.

The boy stared at Spock with such an intensely, but he did not speak.

"Are you well?" Spock asked after five minute of what seemed to be a staring contest.

"You don't belong here!" The child hollered. His eyes looked dull, like his soul was dead.

This child was not Jim; Spock knew this, but he was a part of Jim's consciousness. He may not be Jim, but he was the key to finding the real Jim. "I came to speak to James. May I speak to him?" he asked. He would start out easy for now.

"No."

"If I do not speak with him, he will surely die," Spock stated.

The child tilted his head. "You have already hurt him. I can't let you do it again."

"It was a mistake."

"A stupid mistake." The child glared. "Go away!" The boy bolted.

Unsure of what else to do, Spock followed after the small boy, who was way too fast for his age and health, and to make it even harder, the surroundings begun to change rapidly. Trees and brushes popped out from the ground as a playground appeared in the background. The child sat on a swing with his head drooping, and the swing was moving slightly back and forth on its own.

"What do you call yourself?" Spock asked when he stepped closer. The wind had started to pick up and it whipped him hard.

"It doesn't matter," he started. He kicked his feet forward.

"Where is Jim?" he asked switching to Jim. Maybe, the boy would respond better.

"Hiding."

"Do you know where he is?" Spock asked, as he eyed the boy's face.

"No."

He did not have time for the one word answers that were starting to annoy him. "Can you tell me of his state of mind?"

The boy looked up. "It isn't good."

"How do you know if you do not know where he is?" Spock asked as the weather started to change. The ground shook not long after it.

"Because I'm part of him," he answered. "I can _feel_ him." He stressed the word feel. "And he doesn't want you here!"

"And I shall leave, but only after Jim wakes."

"He won't wake for you," the boy teased back as he jumped to his feet. "I won't let him!" The boy bolted again and everything started to change. "Not for you! Never for you!"

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Doctor McCoy was going out of his mind after Selek had kicked him out of the room so Spock could have total quiet. He understood this was important, but it was torture to stand outside, not knowing what was happening. If this didn't work, McCoy wasn't sure what he would do. He knew he had a hand in Jim's current condition as he had turned his back on his former best friend. He was the one who refused to listen. He was the one who didn't give his Captain a chance to explain.

Shaking his head, McCoy stepped toward Salean, who Nurse Chapel had finished patching up. He would remain in the sick bay for another half an hour before they transferred him down to the brig. "How is the psychopath doing?" he asked.

"DO NOT CALL ME NAMES, DOCTOR!" Salean roared, "You are beneath me, Pet!"

McCoy glanced toward Chapel. "Has he been this way the whole time?"

She gave him her famous look. "Do you really need to ask?"

McCoy took a deep breath. "No, I guess I don't, but I want to make sure that he isn't abusing my staff."

Chapel glanced at him as if she wanted to say something, but didn't. She stared a moment longer before turning away. He knew she wanted to say something, and when she stayed silent meant that it would have been pretty bad. She never liked the rift between Jim and himself from the beginning, but never said anything to him about it. In fact, she didn't really talk to him during that time. Barely making eye contact, she treated him like had a disease. He knew why as Chapel was loyal to both him and her Captain. She may be playing well with him now, but he knew he would get it soon. She wouldn't let him live this down.

The doctor stared at Salean for a few seconds before turning and walking away. He glanced back to Jim's room, knowing that Jim's life was in danger. He knew he couldn't just stand there, but he couldn't leave either. Shaking his head, he turned back to his office, but stopped when he heard a familiar voice. It sounded like the woman that had accompanied Jim the event, and if he remembered correctly, her name was Aurelan. He remembered their encounter in the bar, and did not want to deal with her right now, but he wasn't that lucky.

"Where's Jim?" she demanded.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. There were supposed to be officers at the door so no unauthorized person entered. There was a highly dangerous criminal here.

"Where's Jim? I demand to know how he is," she stated as she stepped toward him.

McCoy looked at her. He knew she wasn't going to back down easily. "You aren't family," he answered, choosing the path that would be the best course of action. Though he didn't care what she thought, he did not want to set her off any more. He didn't need any more drama in the medical bay.

"Bullshit. I'm the closest thing to family he has."

He stared at her, trying to judge her statement. Jim had never mentioned her to him. "Listen sweetheart, just because you say that does not make you family, and I cannot release any information to you."

If it was possible, she would have exploded. "Don't fucking sweetheart me. I-"

McCoy knew that he had to stop her ranting before it disturbed Spock. "Enough! This is a medical bay, and you have no right to demand anything here!" This woman was pushing all of his buttons. "I need you to leave."

"I have every right," she countered. "No one else does."

He wasn't going to lie that hurt, because she was right. No one helped Jim when he needed it. Jim's friend or not, he still could not have her in here. "I still can't have you here," he stated as he waved a few security guards forward. "They're going to take you bring back to the observation deck."

"I won't go!" she yelled, as the security guards forcibly dragged her out. McCoy felt bad, because she was just as worried and concerned as he was, but he couldn't have anyone in the bay unless it was necessary. Shaking his head, he turned towards his office as he tried to get her yelling out of his head.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Did that really just happened? Did McCoy just walked out of the mess hall at the very sight of him? Jim couldn't believe that had just happened. Yes, he knew McCoy was pissed at him and they had a massive fight to end all fights, but this was too much. He couldn't stand the silence or this 'I can't be in the same room with you' thing. It was just a constant reminder of how much he had screwed up. It showed how much he had fallen in the eyes of his crew. How could he be the Captain when he chased people out of rooms? He hated that he had become a freak show.

Jim bolted out of the room as panic started to rise through him. He couldn't let anyone see him like this, though he had been very close to breaking and knew everyone could tell. Spock knew how to push him over the edge, and he did it often just to see if Jim would break. Sure that behavior pissed him off, but how could he run a ship when everyone was waiting for him to fail? How could he be here if no one wanted him? He couldn't blame them as he hated himself as well. He had failed, and how could he in good faith let himself captain when he didn't trust himself?

Once he entered his quarters, the weight of it all sent him to his knees. He didn't know how to deal with all of the hatred, anger, depression, or his distrust. The incredible weight took his breath away. "What's wrong with me?" he asked through his shallow breaths. "Everything," he breathed out. He had to do something or he was going to go crazy.

Selek had helped in more ways than Jim thought was possible. He didn't want to constantly lean on Selek, even if the older Vulcan reassured he could. He had more important things to do than deal with him, and Jim told him this each time. He wasn't important; he was trash that people kept using over again. Those were thoughts that Selek did not care for. He told Jim this may times and told him why, but Jim didn't believe him as his memories were of _his_ Jim and not of him. In addition, those talks just pissed him off because he could never be like _his_ Jim and he knew it. It just hurt to listen to them.

He let himself fall to the ground in exhaustion, not that he knew why he was so tired since he hadn't really done anything. Yes, he knew it could be related to his not eating or sleeping, and he desperately wanted to sleep… _Wait!_ He suddenly remembered the sleeping pills that M'Benga had given him. Forcing himself up, he took a pill from the bottle and put it in his mouth, washing it down with a tiny bit of water. He needed this pill to work because it was only a matter of time before he truly went crazy.

Lying down on his back, he stared up at the ceiling as sleep started to overtake him. Just before he finally fell asleep, a horrible feeling of dread filled him.

*O*O*

*O*O*

When Spock came across the boy again, the park looked like a battleground, and the boy himself looked like he had gone through the wringer. The boy's clothes were muddy and torn, and he had a rather large black eye. "What has happened to you?" Spock asked.

The boy, who was again sitting on the swing, looked up at him. "Go away. You aren't wanted." He glanced back down at his shoeless feet. His socks were filthy with dirt and what appeared to be blood.

"Where is your footwear?" Spock asked. It was odd to him that this boy would not be wearing shoes, though nothing was odd in a mind. A mind was the place for illogical items.

"I didn't have time to put them on," he stated as he wiggled his feet.

"Why not," the Vulcan asked. He did not have time to waste on this child, but it was the only way he would get to Jim. This child looked a lot like his Jim.

The boy glanced at Spock again. "Why do you care?" he asked as the sky darkened, and it started to get cold.

"Why do you presume I do not?" he countered. Spock glanced up at the sky, knowing that it must mean something. Maybe, it had something to do with Jim, and if that was the case, he needed to find him as soon as possible. Jim could be close to death.

"Because of what you did to Jim."

The statement struck Spock hard, but he knew he couldn't let it get to him. "What happened to you?" he asked again, trying to clear his mind of guilt. He had to be focused on the task in front of him.

"Frank."

The child's voice shocked him; he sounded defeated and scared. "What did he do?" Spock asked, remembering the name Frank. Jim had once told him about his stepfather, and though it wasn't much, it was enough to paint a scary picture.

The child hopped to his feet. "Enough, Hobgoblin." A glare reappeared on the boy's face.

Spock raised an eyebrow. He did not understand the point of being called that name. He was not a hobgoblin, nor did he look like one. He was clearly a Vulcan. "You state you are not Jim, yet you treat Jim's injuries as your own," Spock stated.

"I'm not Jim. I'm his memories, and his feelings. I feel what he feels." The ground shook. "And he doesn't want you here."

Spock was growing impatient with this child, but he had to follow Selek's advice. "He needs to wake."

"He doesn't want to." The answer came out as a whine.

That took the very breath from Spock, and he had no idea how to respond.

"You hurt him," the boy stated. "You hurt him badly. I can see it." The boy started to shake as flashes of memories started to pass around them. "He doesn't want to wake up."

It shocked him, because that wasn't what he remembered of Jim. Jim was lively, bright, and a fighter to the end; he wasn't like this. "This is not-"

The ground shook again, sending Spock to his knees, but the boy didn't move. "You're running out of time." It was a mock this time.

"Why? Is it Frank?" Spock asked. He tried to look around but the ground was shaking too much. He couldn't get his bearings.

The boy tilted his head. "Frank's not here. I'm just living through a memory. That's not what's affected Jim."

"Then why am I running out of time?"

"Because Jim is running out of time."

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

"You look like death, McCoy," Admiral Pike stated from the doorway of Dr. McCoy's office.

McCoy glanced up at Pike. "Is Salean out of my sick bay yet?"

"Yes, he has been transferred to the brig, and the _Enterprise_ is set to depart in half an hour for Earth," Pike stated.

The doctor looked up at him, confused. "What about the rest of the event or whatever you call it?" It wasn't important anymore, but they couldn't just leave, could they?

"Just the _Enterprise_ is leaving. We need to get Salean to Earth before the Dalenien Counsel learns that we have taken Salean and Seleen." Pike took a seat on the sofa by the door.

McCoy flashed back to Jim, who had a bad habit of laying on it with his feet up whenever he came to visit. "Won't they demand their release anyway?" he asked.

Pike nodded. "They will, but there won't be anything they can do. They can attempt to fight it, but Salean and Seleen kidnapped and assaulted a Starfleet Officer at a Federation event." He took a deep breath. "I just want to get away before they start a fight at the colony. I'm not sure how this planet will react." Pike laid back and looked up.

"I understand that," McCoy stated as he looked over Jim's medical records again. Even after he learned everything, it still sickened him to know what had happened to Jim. He couldn't get the image of Jim's mutilated, bleeding side out of his head. How could someone do that to Jim?

Pike eyed Leonard. "How's Jim?" he asked. "I'm surprised that you aren't by his side."

"Not that I deserve it."

"No, you don't," Pike stated. "But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be there."

McCoy was surprised by Pike and how he was handling this. He expected, no deserved, for the Admiral to start yelling at him and tell him that he was a horrible person, but Pike wasn't like that. He didn't beat anyone while they were down. "Selek and Spock are with him. Doing one of those Vulcan mind melds."

Pike looked at McCoy for a few seconds. "He's that far gone?"

Hearing Pike ask that question made his stomach drop, nearly making him sick. He knew Jim was in critical condition and there was a high chance that he wouldn't make it, but it hurt to hear him say the words. "Yes," McCoy answered, not sure if he trusted himself to say anything else.

"Do you believe that's wise?" Pike asked.

"It-"

"The truth," Pike stated.

"No," McCoy answered, judging from the little knowledge that he had about those mind melds. He knew Jim would most likely fight Spock. "I don't." He paused as he took a breath. "But it's our only option right now."

"I don't doubt that, but I'm worried about Jim," Pike stated.

"I know you do, Admiral Pike," McCoy smiled weakly. Everyone knew Jim was like a son to Pike. The man would die if anything happened to him.

Pike slowly stood up and turned to the door. "I have to speak to Captain Pitts before we disembark." He took a deep breath. "And once we're off, I will need you down in the brig, Doctor."

McCoy knew why they needed a doctor down in the brig. They wanted to 'talk' with Salean and Seleen, and though they wouldn't intend things to get rough, having a doctor with them would be wise. "I can send Dr. M'Benga down," he stated.

"No, I want you," Pike stated at the doorway.

"Didn't you just ask me why I wasn't by Jim's side?"

Pike took a deep breath. "I did but I need you down in the brig."

"I don't want to leave Jim," Leonard stated. He didn't understand why he was explaining this.

"M'Benga has been taking care of Jim and can continue to do that. I need you down in the brig in an hour. Am I understood?" Pike asked.

"But, Sir," McCoy pleaded. He knew he couldn't disobey the Admiral. He needed to understand that he couldn't leave.

"McCoy, that's an order."

The command stole the breath from McCoy. Pike may not have meant that as an insult, but that how he saw it. However, he knew he couldn't blame anyone else but himself. "I will be there," he stated.

"Good," Pike stated as he left, leaving McCoy's alone with his thoughts.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Jim's body felt like it was on fire and the pain made it almost impossible to breathe. He had no idea what was happening, but it couldn't be good. He knew he had to be dying, though he didn't know how or why. He wasn't even sure where he was or what was going on. The last thing he remembered was… Wait, he couldn't for the life of him remember how he got here. What he could remember was conflicting. In one memory, he was taking a sleeping pill because his nightmares kept him up, while in the other, he was chained down in a burning craft. He wasn't sure which memory was correct, but he knew he didn't like anyone of them.

Jim tried to shake himself into motion, but nothing wanted to respond. His body and mind were just a dull sense. He wasn't even sure he was breathing as the pain was growing out of nowhere. This pain was a mystery to him. Maybe, it was from the burning flames. Maybe, he was still in the burning craft. Or worse, maybe he was still with Salean and that almost stopped his heart. He couldn't take it if Salean still had him.

He tried shaking himself out of that thought, but he couldn't move. Maybe, he really never got away from Salean. Maybe he was still raping him. As Salean's hideous face came into his thoughts, he lost the ability to breathe. Even though he was finally aware that he was breathing, he couldn't keep his breath. To make it worse, his heart was racing, and he couldn't get it to slow down.

It was a horrible feeling to being dying, and Jim did not wish it on anyone other than Salean who deserved to die in the most painful way. Jim tried to think of happy thoughts to override the death feelings, but none of them were strong enough. All of those happy moments had been ruined, and now all they did was make him sick as the pain increased. The thoughts of the rape and torture overtook everything. All he could feel pain and hatred. He was losing himself.

Jim tried to move but nothing happened. He tried to scream, but there was no sound. He couldn't feel anything and even his pain went away, which was a bad. How could he exist if he couldn't feel anything? He kept asking himself if it was worth it. Maybe, he should just let go; it would make things easier… for everyone

*O*O*  
*O*O*

The next thing that Spock knew, he was on the ground as everything trembled around him. He took a look around, trying to figure out his location, but all he could see was a desert and a cliff, with a long drop. A smashed crimson car was a few feet down, but as the ground shook, it was inching closer to him. Spock pushed himself up to move out of the way as the ground suddenly shifted and sent the car flying at him. Without thinking, his reflexes took action and the Vulcan jumped into a roll to get out of the way.

"Those are some quick reflexes," a voice stated.

Spock, still not able to get to his feet, turned his attention to the voice. The boy in front of him was not the same one that he had seen before. This child was older, but his state was still the same. He still looked like he had been through a terrible fight. "What is going on?" Spock asked as the ground shifted again.

The child, who looked to be around 15 now, took a few steps toward Spock. The shaking ground did not affect him, though his face was broken and bleeding like the ground around them. He was so thin his clothes barely clung to his frame. "Jim is dying."

Spock did not want to hear that. "Where is he? Let me see him. We do not have time for this," he stated as he looked over the teenager.

"It would be better if he died," the boy stated. He paused. "I won't let you near him."

It would be useless to fight with this teenager, but it was difficult to listen to him without getting angry. "Death is never the answer." He did not care what the reason is; death was not the answer. Life was something to be cherished and protected, not thrown away.

"In this case, it is," the battered teenager stated.

"What has happened to you?" Spock asked. He could not comprehend how it turned out like this. Maybe, something happened to this person, or rather Jim, to make him this cold.

The boy cocked his head. "You're asking about me when your time to save Jim is running out?" A crack ran through the ground, and the sky flashed as lightning struck two feet from them.

"To get to Jim, I must get passed you," the Vulcan stated. This teenager was the key to get to Jim, but he wasn't sure if he would be able to get passed him before it was too late. "And you reflect what has happened to Jim."

The boy turned and took a few steps away from Spock, who had finally pushed himself up onto his feet. "You left him. That's what happened."

"I made a mistake." Spock was and would be regretting that every second of his life. "I will suffer for it for the rest of my life."

"And Jim will pay for it with the rest of his life."

Spock knew he must not let this teenager get to him, because if he did, he would not be able to save Jim. He told himself that the child in front of him was not Jim; he was just a defense that the real Jim put up to keep him out. "I am not to blame for it all," he stated. "Salean is the beast who had attacked Jim."

The boy closed his eyes and fell back, as if he expected someone to catch him, and before Spock knew what had happened, everything around them changed. Now, he was a waist deep in roasting water, and the boy was gone… just himself and endless water. Spock knew it would be pointless to call out for the teenager, but he couldn't help look around. His skin burned with each drop of water that touched him as though it was real and not a product of Jim's mind. He focused and tried to tell himself that the burning water was an illusion. It was worrisome with regard to everything else that happened in Jim's mind.

"Stop!" A voice rang through.

Spock turned but was unable to locate the source and direction of the voice. The water started to become violent, and whipped him back and forth, almost knocking him down.

"Stop. Please, stop." The voice screamed again. The sound became blood curling.

The Vulcan knew who the voice belonged to; it was Jim's. Hearing his fear angered Spock, and it brought up his own panic. He couldn't leave Jim alone when he was in danger and feeling this way. He focused and tried to remind himself that none of this was real; he didn't need to find Jim as he was already in Jim's mind. He knew what this illusion was attempting to do. The teenager was trying to lose him and force him out. "It will not work."

"Please don't do this," Jim's voice cried out. There was pause and then another blood curling scream.

Spock's fist balled, knowing what he must be listening to, and it drained him "Stop this. I cannot listen to this."

Another scream echoed across the water. "You don't have to do this." There was a pause. "Please, please. Don't do this." His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, along with a painful moaning. "Just let me die, please."

"What do you accomplish by watching me?" he asked as he glanced around. It was just endless water.

The battered teenager suddenly appeared in front of him. "I want to see how you would react."

"Does it please you?" Spock asked, trying to reclaim his composure. Another tremor ran through the water. "Jim will not last much longer. He needs to wake."

"What does he have to live for?" The teenager asked. The water turned ice cold, taking Spock by surprise.

Spock thought about an answer, but he wasn't sure what the boy was looking for. Life was defined as much then what a person could live for. "Jim is too innocent to die."

The boy tilted his head again. "You believe that even now?"

He surprised the child with his answer, "I do."

The water started to slowly disappear, but everything around them started to quiver more. "Why?"

The sky started to darken, a sign that they did not have much time left. "The reasons why I love Jim are more than I can possibly describe." It was hard to describe why he loved Jim, because there were things about him that Spock disliked. However, those little annoyances could not compare to Jim's kind heart, his spirit, his loyalty…

The boy stared at him wide eyes, but he shook it off. "You're running out of time."

"I understand." He watched the teen's eyes, knowing he was getting to the boy. "Why will you not let me speak with Jim? If he tells me to leave, I shall."

"I speak for him. He wants to go and he wants to let you go."

"Why does it frighten you to let me speak with him?" Spock asked as the lightning struck.

The boy turned. "He is too weak to talk." Everything started to darken.

The change worried him. "You are afraid." He needed to convince the teen to let him through. Time was disappearing.

"I feel what Jim feels." The ground shook violently, creating a rift between them. The ground continued to shaking.

Spock knew what this meant and his fear grew. He had to convince the teen right now. "Let me speak to Jim before it becomes too late."

The ground started to crumble below them and disappear. "It's already too late, but I would've let you see him," he stated as he started to disappear into the darkness. "I can see you care."

"Wait," Spock yelled as the teen disappeared completely and Spock was forcefully pulled out of Jim's mind. He didn't have the power to stop the strong force from pulling him out.

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

When Spock came to, he and his chair had been forced away from Jim's bedside and Selek was kneeling in front him, staring directly at him. However, Selek could not keep his attention as Jim was going into a cardiac arrest. Dr. M'Benga, with the help of Nurse Chapel, was trying to get Jim's heart rate under control, while another nurse tried to keep an eye on his other stats, her main focus were Jim's barely readable brain functions.

"Where is Dr. McCoy?" Spock asked after he was able to make sense what was going on.

Selek glanced up at M'Benga just as he hypoed Jim. "Admiral Pike called him away."

"Then someone should call him back," Spock stated firmly as he tried to catch his breath. His own mind was fuzzy, but he was almost through Jim's mental defenses. He was so close. He almost had Jim back. "Someone should alert Dr. McCoy."

"Dr. M'Benga is well versed and fully capable of saving Jim. Yet, we have sent someone to acquire Dr. McCoy." Selek didn't move away from in front of Spock as he did not want to allow him the chance to get up.

"What has happened?" Spock asked, as he kept an eye on Jim. It wasn't that he doubted M'Benga's skills. It's just he did not trust any doctor with Jim as much as he did McCoy. It was McCoy had brought Jim back from the edge many times, and Spock had learned never to doubt the doctor, who seemed to make the impossible possible.

"I do not know if it was your mind meld that sent Jim into this cardiac arrest, but I do not think it will be wise to allow you to enter Jim's mind again."

Spock quickly glanced at him in shock. His mind had yet to return to its normal controlled state, and his emotions were still affected by Jim's very overwhelming state. "I must go back," he stated, standing up and forcing Selek back. "He was allowing me in."

"He is not stable enough for another meld, Spock," Selek stated.

"I can-" Spock started, but Jim's heart began to slow to an unlivable state. Spock could only watch in horror as the machine sounded. His mind went into panic mode as he couldn't go on without Jim living. This couldn't be happening; he couldn't let this happen. He had to do something. "Where is Dr. McCoy?!" He couldn't lose someone else.

Selek stood between his younger self and the medical staff. "He-" He began to say but the sight of Jim arching up in pain stopped him. No, this couldn't be happening. He couldn't be losing him again. Even if he never saw Jim again, at least he would be alive. He could live with that; he couldn't live with Jim dying.

"Chapel, get me the hypo," M'Benga yelled as he tried to hold Jim down. "Damn it." He cursed, which was shocking as this man did not curse. "That Salean drugged him with so many drugs that I don't know how to counteract."

Spock felt anger. Where was Dr. McCoy? McCoy could have known what to do. Why in the hell did Pike take him away?

"Here, Doctor," Chapel stated as she handed M'Benga a hypo, but he didn't get the chance to use it as Jim flat-lined.

Selek and Spock's hearts fell and they lost the breath they were both holding. Selek dropped his guard.

"I need the defibrillators," M'Benga yelled at Chapel. "We're losing him!"

Spock's anger kept growing. Where the hell was Dr. McCoy? Why wasn't he here? Jim was going to die and he wasn't here to stop it. Spock couldn't allow that. He refused to allow that. but he was torn between the needed to find McCoy and not leaving Jim.

"Clear!" M'Benga yelled as she handed the defibrillators to him. The sound echoed through the room. Jim's heart beat for a second before fading again. "Clear," he yelled again. He shocked Jim again, and his heart beat for another second before it faded. He tried again, and it failed.

"Jim," Spock called out. "Jim." His cries silenced the bay.

M'Benga looked up at Spock as the Vulcan broke. "Commander," he called out. There was a long pause. "There is nothing we can do. He's gone."

Spock wasn't listening as he stepped toward the bed and knelt down next to it. " _T'hy'la, ni'droi'ik nar-tor,"_ He begged as he laid his head down on the bed. He rested his hand on Jim's hand, while everyone stepped away from the bed, which Spock was grateful for. He wanted to be left alone with Jim or he would strike out at them, though in his mind they all deserved it. They let Jim die. They failed Jim. Where the hell was Dr. McCoy? Why did he let his best friend die? How could he allow himself to be drawn away from Jim?

_You were also drawn away_. Spock said to himself. For that, he would never forgive himself. For that, he would punish himself and live with his pain. He deserved nothing more, though he did not know how long he could last through this unbearable pain. He felt like someone had stabbed him repeatedly in his heart; like someone had tortured him for days. This was the worst pain that he ever felt, and Spock didn't know how to deal with it. " _Taluhk nash-veh k'dular."_

He paused. He did not deserve to say that. He didn't deserve to say anything. The only thing he deserved was death; he should have died in Jim's place. " _Ni'droi'ik nar-tor,"_ he repeated. He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Leave me be."

"Spock," Selek called out.

"I shall not leave," he replied, not taking his eyes off Jim. He wouldn't be able to look at him for much longer, and he was going to remain as long as he could.

Selek stared down at the Spock. "He is gone."

"I know. You do not need to tell me."

"Spock," Selek called again.

"Leave me" Spock said again.

"I cannot leave you in this pain," Selek stated, as he glanced down at Jim's body. He had never thought he would have to deal with the pain of losing Jim again.

"How did you deal with his death?" Spock asked, knowing this is the second time for Selek. How could he live through it again? His own pain was just too great.

"It is still there. I can never rid myself of it," Selek answered.

"I do not think I can live with this." He couldn't even think correctly at the moment; he didn't know how he could live with this pain. He didn't want to live with this pain, but he had no choice. This was his punishment for betraying Jim. This was his punishment for allowing Jim to suffer. He deserved it all.

"You must not think like that," Selek stated. "I can help you deal with the pain."

"I do not need your assistance. You are-" There was slight movement in Jim's hand causing him to jump. "Doctor M'Benga!" Spock called.

M'Benga jumped into action and ran back to the bed. He gave a Spock a look as he felt for a pulse. "He's alive," he said shocked. There was no way he was alive; his heart had stopped. He looked at the readings. "Nurse Chapel," he yelled. He needed to get Jim stabilized before he flat-lined again.

Spock felt his heartbeat speed up, and he finally understood how a heart could jump. It didn't stop there as he watched as M'Benga was struggled to keep the weak pulse up. "Save him," he begged.

M'Benga looked up. "I will."

The young Vulcan didn't move from Jim's side, because he couldn't leave him. It was impossible. He refused to leave him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I was so was going to end this right after M'Benga told Spock that Jim was gone, but I couldn't end it there! I think you all would have revolted and cropped off my head.
> 
> I promise it won't be as dark! We are coming toward the end.


	22. Many Open Doors

When Salean had been brought down to the brig, he was placed in a separate holding cell as no one wanted Seleen and Salean near each other. There was no telling what type of plan they could come up with. Admiral Pike wanted to question them separately so they couldn't devise their statements, though nothing that they said would change the outcome. In a normal situation, they would face a very long stretch of time in a penal colony without having to jump through hoops, but Pike wanted to make sure that they had everything in order so there was no possible way of them escaping punishment. In order to do that, he needed to take their statements.

Doctor McCoy stood a few feet back from Captain Pitts and Admiral Pike, though he wasn't sure why Pitts was there. He had no reason to be here as he did not know Jim, but when he thought about it, he assumed it had to do with the fact that Pitts was still the captain of the _Enterprise_. He could also be seen as a third party, and he also knew that the Captain had more authority than most knew about. They were in a sense a judge on their own ship.

"If you wish to speak, then speak. I would rather not have the three of you stare at me all day," Salean stated as he sat with his back against the wall. His skin color had returned back to its normal transparent white, and the hideous scars were a stark contrast under the bright lights of the cell.

"Do you understand why we're here?" Pike asked as he stepped closer. The Force Field was the only thing separating them, though McCoy wasn't sure who that was benefiting. Sure, Salean was healed for the most part, and he could probably take all three of them out, but Pike looked pissed and McCoy did not want to deal with an angry Admiral.

Salean glanced up before glancing back down at his hands as if he was reading something in them. "What you wish to speak about is something private. I will not speak to you about my relationship with James."

"Neither Kirk or anyone else would call that a relationship," Pike spoke.

Salean gazed at him again before glancing back down. "You are foolish. You cannot use your standards of a relationship."

"You can't use your standards either," Pitts stated. "That's just dumb."

McCoy's eyes widened, because he had never heard Captain Pitts speak that way. Until now, he was always a very serious person. He didn't sound angry like Admiral Pike, but rather annoyed, like he couldn't believe the stupidity of this Dalenian. McCoy shook his head as he tried to focus on the situation. He knew he should stay focused on Salean, though he didn't know what Pike was looking for.

"Do not insult me," Salean stated as he stood.

"Yea, he doesn't like that, though he enjoys calling everyone stupid," McCoy muttered. His mind wandered to Jim and his status. He hated being down here instead of the Medical Bay; Jim could be dying for all he knew.

"Most people are like that," Pike replied as he glanced back. "Salean, you understand the situation, right?" he asked, turning back to Salean. "You will be imprisoned for your actions."

Salean's laugher silenced the bay as it echoed through the space. "You are foolish. Your human trials mean nothing," he stated. "You have nothing."

His tone sent chills up McCoy's spine.

"Your council can't help you now," Pike stated as he took another step toward Salean. "We're traveling at warp speed toward Earth and-"

"You may have a point," Salean interjected. "But my so called crime took place in the Dreon system. They will-"

Pike cut him off. "They have given it to us." He nearly laughed at the Dalenian's arrogance. "This crime was committed at a Federation event, so it makes sense that you will face the Federation courts."

The look on Salean's face was priceless and McCoy was having a hard time holding back his laugher. He was enjoying the fact that Salean was trapped in a corner. He enjoyed the fact that there was no way out for the monster this time. He would get what he deserved, and hopefully, he would rot in a penal colony for the rest of his life.

Salean sat back down. "I shall not speak and nor shall my father." He paused. "The one person I will speak to is _my_ James." He explained. He stressed the word my as he tried to show he still believed Jim belonged to him.

"Fat chance," Pike glared as he stepped even closer to the force field. "You'll never speak to Kirk again, and by some off chance you do, you'll be chained like the animal that you are."

He glanced up. "James will not leave me," he stated. "He will come to me."

Pitts was starting to tire of the whole situation. Everyone knew that Salean was taunting them, and he wasn't going to explain his actions to anyone. "Alright, this is-"

He wasn't able to finish his sentence as a Medical officer burst into the room.

"Is everything okay?" McCoy asked, meeting the officer halfway. This wasn't good if a Medical officer burst into the brig, interrupting an important interview.

The officer took a few seconds to catch his breath before he spoke. "It's …Captain… Kirk," he stated through short breaths. It was clear that he run the entire way.

"What about Jim?" McCoy asked, placing a hand on the man's shoulders. Out of the corner of his right eye, he noticed Salean stand, but he ignored the action as his instincts screamed that something was very wrong.

"M'Benga is losing him. Kirk keeps going into cardiac arrest, and he can't stabilize his heart," he stated.

McCoy had been worried about Jim's heart as it had gone through the ringer. He knew all of those defibrillations, injuries, and drugs had put a strain on the heart that might be too much for it to handle. "Shit," he cursed as he ran out of the brig to the Medical Bay. He wasn't going to stop nor listen to reason.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Spock was not lying when he stated that he would not leave Jim's side. He didn't budge, even when Dr. M'Benga was working on Jim. Even with Selek hovering over his shoulder, all of the action around Jim, pain from still healing injuries, Jim's cardiac arrests, and the aftermath of the mind meld, Spock did not move. He would not move, and if anyone tried to move him, it wouldn't end well for said person.

"I managed to stabilize him," M'Benga stated as he took a deep breath. "For now, at least." He took another long look at Jim's stats as if to reassure himself. It was a miracle that Jim had made it this far.

"You-" Selek started as he stepped toward Jim's bed side.

It was that second that Dr. McCoy burst into the room. Sweat was dripping from his face from his run. "Jim," he breathed out. His eyes went to Jim's face. "He… is… stabilized?" His breathing was heavy, and he could barely speak. He glanced up at the monitor, looking for Jim's heartbeat.

"We lost him for a few minutes, but we got him back. Not sure how," M'Benga answered as he wiped his hands on a towel.

McCoy looked at him then back at Jim. "What do you mean lost him?"

Spock suddenly jumped to his feet, moving to within a foot of Dr. McCoy, drawing everyone's attention. "His heart stopped and we believed him to be dead. What do you think it means?!" the Vulcan snapped. Everyone took a step back from the angry Vulcan. "He could have died and you were not here. Do you not care about him?!"

Leonard stared at Spock for a few seconds, shocked at his tone. He had never heard such anger from the Vulcan, even when Jim had insulted Spock's mother. He didn't know how to respond, though he doubted any words would make this situation better.

"Spock," Sarek stated as he stepped into the room. "Do not presume to understand what another is feeling. You will only make a fool out of yourself."

"Father," Spock uttered, feeling like an ill-advised child. His father always had the power to make him feel that way, yet he knew this time, it was his fault. He had allowed his emotions to get the best of him, and he was taking it out on everyone else. The two Dalenians in the brig deserved his anger, not Dr. McCoy. "You are correct. I was mistaken."

Sarek stepped toward the unconscious Jim and looked over his fragile form. With his hands behind his back, he was stiff at Jim's bed side. After a few seconds of silence, he turned to M'Benga, who had taken a step back. "What do you believe to have caused the attack?" he asked.

McCoy stepped toward Jim's monitors as Sarek talked. He looked over Jim's readings before he had flat-lined. There had been a change in Jim's brainwaves and heartbeat. As he expected, Jim's heartbeat had risen, but his brainwaves had decreased with each passing second. McCoy's eyes then froze. There had been a spike in the brainwaves seconds before he flat-lined. That was interesting. Did Spock reach Jim?

"It's possible that the meld was the reason; however, Captain Kirk's heart is weak as a result of the many drugs that were introduced into his system. His heart can barely handle its normal functions now," M'Benga answered. "Any amount of stress could send him into cardiac arrest."

"Do you not have a tool to assist him?" Sarek asked as he stepped back to the door.

"We do," McCoy stated as he eyed Jim's still body. "But…" He drifted off as he watched Jim breathe ever so slowly. "The human heart is a very sensitive organ, and the success of the machine depends on the strength of the heart." He took a deep breath. "Let's face it. It also depends on Jim and how hard he's willing to fight."

Spock crossed back to the bed and sat down in the chair next to it. He thought about the meld and what had occurred. "Jim has his will back," he stated. The dream teenager had told him that when Spock was pulled out of the meld. Had Jim been ready to give up, and it was the meld that brought him back? Was that why Jim fought? Was that why he was still alive? Had the meld worked?

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Scotty and Chekov were both sitting in the mess hall, staring blankly at the food on their trays. "Do you think the Kaptain vill be okay?" Chekov asked as he pushed his food away. He couldn't even think of eating when Kirk could be dying.

Scotty glanced up at Chekov before pushing his tray away as well. "McCoy will take care of him," he stated. He felt uneasy about this whole thing. He couldn't be sure about anything as he hadn't seen Kirk since he had taken the stage. Not even when they saved Kirk and beamed him aboard the ship had any one seen him. He could be dead for all that he knew, and it worried him.

Chekov took a deep breath as he rested his forehead on his folded arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he wondered if he had failed his Captain somehow. He felt he could have done more and didn't. If he had watched and protected Kirk more, he could have stopped him from being hurt.

"I am as well," Scotty stated. He ached for a drink, but he didn't dare touch any alcohol as Captain Pitts would have his head. If Pitts knew he had anything remotely alcoholic on aboard the _Enterprise_ , he would surely put him in the brig. Pitts did not tolerate any misdeeds, even if it was something as little as alcohol.

The young Russian took a deep breath as he looked up to see Uhura walk into the hall. She looked like she had been through hell, but that irritated Chekov. She had no right to look that way when Jim was fighting for his life. He was the one who was hurt, not her. He blamed her for everything. Sure, she wasn't the only one, but he considered her the ring leader. She was malicious to Kirk whenever she had the chance, and hadn't been shy with her comments. Chekov and Scotty weren't stupid by any means and knew what happened between the Captain and the Commander, but they failed to understand why that was important. Why should anyone care besides the Captain and the Commander what happened between them?

Chekov shook his head, trying to calm himself. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't just Uhura. Spock, McCoy, and everyone else had all turned on Kirk. It was also his fault as he didn't push his Captain hard enough. He knew something was wrong, but he didn't push. He didn't ask or try to talk about it, even though he knew Kirk wouldn't tell him. In his soul, Chekov knew he should have tried harder no matter what Jim said. He could see the man was hurting.

"I know what you thinkin'." Scotty stated, staring at Chekov.

"You don't."

"I know, because I'm thinkin' the same thing." Scotty followed his glance toward Uhura. "I have been thinkin' the same thing for a while, but that's incorrect." He poked at his food. "You, we, supported Kirk when he needed it, and we made sure he had a safe place. If we pushed, we might've pushed him further away." There was no telling how Kirk would have reacted. It might have sent him over the edge, and knowing what they knew now, there had been a strong possibility that would have happened. Kirk's mental state wasn't good.

"You vould be correct," Chekov said as he pushed himself up from his seat.

Scotty eyed him. "What are you doin'?" he asked.

Chekov didn't respond and stepped toward Uhura, who was sitting alone. He couldn't help himself as every fiber in his body pulled him toward her. He had wanted to say something since all of this shit had started, but remained silent because Captain Kirk had asked him to. He nearly begged him, because he didn't want to cause any more friction between the crew than there already was. "Uhura," he called when he was within a few feet of her.

She glanced up at him. "Hey, Chekov," she greeted. With larger bags under her eyes, she looked exhausted.

"You look tired," he stated. His anger died down seeing her like that, but it didn't make anything better.

Uhura smiled weakly. "I haven't been able to sleep," she said, poking at her own food. "I've been looking through transmissions between Starfleet and the Daleniens. They have learned we have taken two of their councilmembers. They are not pleased." She glanced toward a P.A.D.D. which had a transcript opened on it. "Not please at all."

"Vhy do you hawe this?" Chekov asked. Her voice was soft, sounding weak. She was making it difficult to be mad at her, but he wouldn't let her wear him down. He had to say this.

"Admiral Pike wants someone to be monitoring these at all times, and I said I would do it. It helps me keeps my mind off things," she answered as she breathed out slowly. She peered at him from the corner of her eyes. "Just say what's on your mind, Chekov."

"Vho says there is?" he stated.

"I know you want to yell at me, which I know I deserve. I was a total bitch to Kirk," she said, blowing out. She picked up her P.A.D.D.

She was taking away all of the fun of yelling at her, but he wouldn't let that stop him. "You think that vill make up for it?" Chekov asked, giving her a death glare. "You hawe no idea of what Kirk vent through."

"No, I don't, and I understand that I mis-"

"You don't understand anything," he snapped as his anger was coming back. His Russian accent was getting heavier with each passing second. "He suffered and you did nothin' but make it vorse."

Uhura closed her eyes. "I know and I feel like shit. I don't know how I could miss his pain," she said as she took a deep breath. "I was too focused on believing he was guilty that I forgot about him. And I hate myself for that." She slowly opened her eyes.

"Your guilt doesn't make it better," he stated.

"I didn't say it did."

"Then vhat are you saying?" Chekov snapped.

Scotty sighed as he stepped toward them. "Easy, Chekov. We don't need to get into a fight," he spoke. "We have a shift coming up. Maybe, after that, we can check in on Captain Kirk."

"They won't let you. Authorized Personnel only," Uhura stated as she pushed her tray away. She was due on the bridge in a few minutes. "I tried. I'm surprised they let Spock inside, but I suppose they couldn't keep him out."

Chekov narrowed his eyes. "Maybe they just don't want vou in there," he replied. "Ve didn't turn on our Captain."

Scotty put his hands on the young ensign's shoulders and pulled him back slightly. "Let's give the Lass a break. We can't turn on each other at a time like this." He shook him slightly as Chekov did not respond. "I understand why you are angry, but we can't do this. Remember what Captain Kirk told us?"

Of course, Chekov remembered what Kirk told him. He didn't want them to fight with the rest of the crew as it would create a bigger rift, and it wouldn't be good for any of them. A rift could be very dangerous, and Jim would rather the crew hate him than endanger the ship. "Yes, I do," Chekov huffed as he turned to leave.

Scotty watched him leave before he glanced toward Uhura. "He's correct."

"I know. He has every right to be angry." She paused, watching him leave. "And there's nothing that I can say." She smiled weakly. "However, there's nothing he can say that I haven't told myself." She took a deep breath. "Thanks for helping with Chekov."

He took a deep breath. "I didn't do it for you. I did it for him. I did it for Captain Kirk. He wouldn't want us to fight, which is the reason why he didn't tell us what really happened." Scotty understood why Kirk did it. He didn't like it, though he could respect him for it. It took a special kind of man to sacrifice everything for others.

"Captain Kirk is something else."

Scotty nodded as he added, "And you don't owe me or Chekov anything. The only person you owe anything to is Kirk." With that he left.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Dr. McCoy would not be drawn away from the medical bay again, but he wasn't hovering like Spock, who had not moved an inch since he last saw him. He just sat there silently with his eyes closed, though he wasn't asleep. He was fully alert, ready to protect Jim with his life if it came to that. It wouldn't come to that. He wouldn't allow anyone around Jim except a few chosen people. McCoy knew why the Vulcan was doing this. Spock had failed Jim before, and he wouldn't fail him again.

McCoy knew how Spock was feeling, but he couldn't just sit and watch Jim either. He had to do something, find some way to save Jim. He had to find a way to strengthen Jim's heart. He couldn't use the normal drugs in the fear that they would react with something that Salean had given him and cause massive organ failure. He supposed he could try an artificial heart, but Jim wasn't strong enough to survive the transplant, and he wasn't ready to give up on Jim's own heart.

Shaking his head, he leaned back and stared at the ceiling. He felt himself going crazy, not being able to do anything. Jim was stable and there was no change, which meant there was nothing he could do. It was all on Jim; only he could save himself, and McCoy didn't know if Jim had the will. Spock said Jim had responded, but there was no telling if that was enough. He couldn't enter Jim's mind again in the fear that it would send Jim over the edge again. So there was nothing more any of them could do but wait. McCoy hoped it was enough.

"Doctor McCoy."

The Doctor looked up to see Sam Kirk standing at his door. McCoy was shocked to see him. He wondered how he managed to get by the security guards at the door, but he wouldn't put it past him. The man was Jim's brother. "Mr. Kirk," he greeted. "I assume you're here to complain." He expected Momma Kirk to come bursting into the room yelling at him, but he was okay with Sam, who at least could control himself.

Sam crossed to the desk and sat down. "I do wish to see my brother, but…" He paused. "That's not the main reason why I'm here. I want to know how he's doing."

McCoy was shocked at Sam's calm tones. He truly expected him to throw a fit like Winona, whose temperament was widely known amongst the crew. She was one of the reasons why he had requested security guards at the bay doors. Some might call him cold for keeping her out, but she was a stress that wasn't needed when Jim's life was in danger. "I believe you have already been informed," McCoy replied. He had one of his staff speak to the Kirk family and Aurelan. "One of my staff should have-"

"You did," Sam stated interrupting him. "But I want to know how he's really. He's not going to make it, is he? What happened down there? Why did that son of a bitch want my brother?" He was angry, but it wasn't directed at McCoy.

Leonard took a deep breath, because they weren't told much. Besides select members of the crew and Aurelan, no one knew what happened with Jim as he didn't want anyone to know. "I can only tell you about his health, Mr. Kirk."

"Bull shit, you know more than that," Sam snapped.

"I'm not at liberty to say anything else," McCoy answered. "I'm a doctor, nothing else." Sure, he knew more, but he was damn sure that Pike wouldn't want him to talk about it. He himself was a firm believer of doctor-patient confidentiality rules.

"You were his best friend. I'm not sure what happened between you two, but you must know something." He pleaded with the Doctor. "I need to know."

"I don't know anything. Jim didn't tell me anything," he said as he stared at his hands. If only he had known what had really happened from the beginning, things would have been different.

"You have to know." He paused. "When Jim left this ship, he spiraled out of control, and he almost killed himself." Sam took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. "I could see something was eating him, and there was nothing I could have done. He refused help."

McCoy couldn't respond, though it made him sick hearing it. Jim had suffered alone. He couldn't imagine the amount of pain that Jim went through.

"I want to know what happened to him so I can help him when we get back to Earth."

McCoy stared at him, confused. "What do you mean by that?"

"I plan to take Jim home with me."

"No offense or anything, but Jim is a Starfleet officer, and he'll receive treatment at a Starfleet facility," McCoy answered giving him a hard look.

"Do you really think that Starfleet is the best place for him? Look at everything that happened," Sam stated as he jumped to his feet. "He's in a fucking coma for crying out loud. He's in pain, and it's getting worse being here."

Sam was angry at him now, but McCoy didn't care. He wouldn't let him take Jim to some sub-par backwoods place on Earth. Jim needed to be with Starfleet, because his home was here. It was where he belonged, even if it wasn't with the _Enterprise_. "Have you ever thought Jim spiraled because he left? Maybe, he needs to be here to get better." He hoped he could reason with Sam to see that this place was the best place for him.

"I don't agree."

"It doesn't matter if you do or not, because you have no say so," McCoy responded, angry at him. He would not allow Sam to take Jim, even if he was his brother.

Sam was glaring. "I'm his family. I have every say, and I believe my mother would agree."

That angered McCoy a lot, because Jim really didn't consider any of them family. Winona was a poor excuse for a mother, and Jim never considered her to be his mother. And could Sam really call himself Jim's brother? He hadn't seen nor contacted the man in years. "You're not Jim's family."

"How dare you?" Sam snapped. "We are his family."

"By blood, yes, but do you think Jim thinks of you like that? I didn't even know he had a brother, and I was his best friend. And don't get me started on his non-relationship with his mother. He rarely spoke of her, and he when he did, it wasn't good."

Sam looked like he had been sucker punched. "I wasn't there in the past, but I will be now."

McCoy could say the same thing. "Then let him go to a Starfleet Facility."

"I don't know if I can."

"To be honest, you don't really have a choice. Admiral Pike is the one listed as Jim's emergency contact. Jim had authorized Pike to make all medical decisions," McCoy stated.

Sam looked like he was just hit by a truck hearing that, but he bounced back. "We'll see about that."

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Jim found himself in a nearly empty field with a swing set as the only object in it. On the swing was a small boy, who looked barely only enough to be by himself. If Jim had to guess, the boy was around 8 years old, though he could have been older. It was hard to tell as the boy was wearing baggy clothes that looked two sizes too large.

"Hey, Kid," Jim called as he made his way toward the child. Jim was confused. The last thing he remembered was immense pain, which felt like he was dying. He had thought he was dead for a moment as he felt himself fade into darkness. How was he alive now? Was this heaven? Wait, how could this be heaven? How did he deserve to go to heaven? Was there a heaven to begin with?

The boy looked up and smiled. The simple gesture did not comfort him as the boy looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks. "Jim!" the boy cheered. "I thought you were gone."

"I did too," Jim admitted. "Who are you? Where are we?" Could he be in his head? But how could that be? Sure the kid looked like him, but he didn't remember any of this. Besides, his dreams lately had been nightmares, and this didn't look like a nightmare… yet.

"We're in your head, Silly." The boy seemed happy.

"I don't understand," Jim said as he looked around. The field stretched as far as the eye could see.

"You expected something different," the boy stated.

"I did."

"You wanted to die."

Jim didn't like how the boy responded. He said it as if he knew for sure, and then there was the past tense of the word 'want.' Did that mean Jim changed? "Who are you?" He asked again.

"Well I'm you but not you." The boy kicked his feet in the air as he leaned back in the swing.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"We're in your head. We don't need to make sense."

Jim shook his head as he tried to figure out what was going on. He couldn't quite understand what was happening or why he was talking to a child, who was supposed to be his younger self. He wasn't buying it. "Why am I here?"

"Because of you."

Jim's eye twitched. "How so?"

"You're in between. Close to waking up, but yet, there's some hesitation in you. You don't know what you what." The boy swung back and forth, getting higher and higher.

The boy was right. Jim didn't know what he wanted, but he was tired of this game. He wanted straight answers and he wanted them now. "Why are we here? And give me a straight answer this time," he said through his teeth.

"We are here, because of Spock."

Anger grew inside of him. Jim was sick and tired of that name. He wanted to forget it and everything that came along with it. The Vulcan had hurt him just as badly as Salean; Spock had hurt Jim's very soul. He had made Jim feel worse than Salean had ever done. Sure, Salean made Jim feel less than human and broken, but Spock made him feel like he was completely nothing and unrepairable. "Why does he matter?" Jim asked.

"You love him."

Present tense this time. Jim's eye twitched again. "I don't love him."

"Why do you lie to me? As I am you, I know you do."

Jim shook his head. "Okay, so what." He admitted. "Why does that matter?" He knew he still loved the bastard, but that didn't matter. They could never be a couple or even a command team again; they were too far gone. Besides, every time he just thought of Spock, all the pain came rushing back.

"He's the reason why you are alive."

"How so?" Jim asked.

"You are in a coma."

"I figured that much," Jim stated. "So what?" He took another look around. The temperature had dropped a few degrees, and the winds had picked up, but the boy was still swinging.

"You were slipping, almost gone. You still are slipping." The boy slowed down a bit in his kicking.

Jim narrowed his eyes as he crossed to the swing set. "And what are you saying? He brought me back? How did he do that? Spock isn't a doctor."

The boy stopped kicking and allowed the swing to slow. "Did you not feel the change when he entered your mind?"

Jim's eye started to twitch. "He mind melded with me?" Jim snapped. Yes, he had felt the change, but he wasn't sure what it was. Sure, he was glad he wasn't dead, but the Vulcan had no right to be in his head.

"I told him that you didn't want him in your head, but he's a stubborn one. He wouldn't leave," the boy answered as he used his feet to stop the swung. "He wouldn't leave until you told him so."

"The asshole. What did he want?" Jim asked, leaning against the metal support beam of the swing set. "He probably thinks he can talk his way out of this, and I will welcome him back. He can go to hell."

"I thought you still loved him," the Boy stated.

"Just because I still love him, doesn't mean I want to get back with him," Jim puffed. Even if Jim could look passed everything that had happened, he could never trust him.

"He just wants you to wake up. Though he loves and cherishes you, all he wants is for you to wake up, even if you never forgive him." The boy paused as he stood. "Why don't you wake up?"

"Why are you on his side? I thought you were me!" Jim snapped, turning to the boy. "You're not supposed to agree with him!" How could this boy be him if he was agreeing with Spock, the asshole? But if the child was him, what was he trying to tell himself?

"You didn't know how to fight."

"And you are saying Spock showed me how?"

"Partly. We, you, had the strength to fight but didn't, and he reminded us why you have to."

"Did he now?"

"That's why you are here now," the boy started. "You're in between right now. You have to make a choice. You can remain here in this cycle of dreams, or you can open your eyes and live your life."

"Why are you trying to convince me?" Why was the boy fighting so hard? Why did he want him to wake up? What did he talk about with Spock? "What did the hobgoblin say?"

"It wasn't what he said. It's what he showed. You are needed."

Jim took a deep breath as he thought about everything. Maybe, his little self was right. He couldn't be here; there were too many people who wanted or needed him. Plus, there was that new ship, where he could start anew, where no one would judge him. And he would be making a difference, finding new life forms, saving lives, and everything else that was out there. His life would mean something again, which was what he needed. "You're right."

"Then wake up."

"How?" Jim had no idea of how to do that.

"Just open your eyes."

"What? It can't be that easy." It didn't make sense. How could he open his eyes when they were already open? And if it was that easy, he would already be awake.

The Boy smiled as he crossed to Jim. "Open your eyes." He suddenly clapped his hands very loudly.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Everything was suddenly black and Jim couldn't tell where he was or what was going on. His body felt heavy as he tried to move. He continuously tried and refused to give in, as he had to wake up. He couldn't give up like he had done so in the past. People were counting on him and if he gave in, Salean would win.

Jim forced his eyes open, only to be blinded by an intensely bright light which forced his eyes shut again. His opened his eyes a fraction, but the light was just too bright and he squeezed them closed. He felt a hand grip his arm and there was someone calling his name, but it was too distant. However, it gave Jim something to focus on. He forced his eyes open again and kept them open even through the pain of the bright light.

"Jim."

It took a few seconds for Jim's eyes to focus. "S-Spock," Jim uttered before he slipped back into darkness. He was totally drained, unable to stay awake.


	23. Not Ready to Make Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I wrote this, I was listening to the song by the Dixie Chicks: Not Ready to Make Nice which I think fits this chapter really well.

When Jim woke up again, he was in a crummy room, created by hospital curtains. The ceiling lights shone brightly, burning his eyes. He moaned and turned his head. The small movement created sharp pains in his neck. Every part of him ached and burned. His entire body felt too heavy, as if he had woken up in one different from his own. His brain felt hazy, and his vision was so fuzzy that everything around him was a blur.

"Jim," said a voice, calling to him.

At first, Jim couldn't understand who was calling him or what the man was saying. It took a few seconds to set in that the man was calling his name.

"Jim," said the voice again.

There was a pressure on Jim's arm, drawing his attention. "P…Pike…" Jim uttered, his voice shocking him. The sound was barely recognizable to him. His voice sounded like sandpaper as he spoke while his throat felt as dry a desert.

"Yes, Jim, it's me," Admiral Pike said, his voice sound and calming.

His eyes tried to focus on Pike, a blurry mess that not even glasses could have fixed. The whole room looked fuzzy to Jim, besides the lights which were all too bright. It was like he was staring at the sun. "Lights," he whined.

The pressure left Jim's arm and the light above his bed was switched off. "Thanks, McCoy," Pike stated as the pressure returned to his hand.

_Dr. McCoy is here?_ Jim wasn't sure if he was angry or happy that his former best friend was here. He tried to shift in the bed to look at him, but he couldn't move anything. His whole body was sore.

There was a slight squeeze. "Jim, relax," Pike stated. "You need to rest."

"The Admiral's right," Dr. McCoy said as he stepped toward Jim. Even in Jim's tired, exhausted state, he could sense the hesitation in McCoy's steps.

Jim wasn't sure what he was feeling emotionally at the moment. He was torn between anger and happiness at McCoy standing next to him. It was difficult to be mad at someone who had been willing to sacrifice everything to stay at his side and make sure he didn't suffer alone, but at the same time, he kept flashing back to the anger in McCoy's eyes. It was hard not flinching thinking about it.

McCoy took a deep breath. "We can talk once you are able to. I know your throat is killing you and your eyesight isn't good. Don't worry it'll return to normal shortly."

Jim wasn't sure about that, considering how alien his body felt to him, but he would never doubt McCoy when it came to anything medical. The doctor always knew what he was talking about. "W-wat…er," he tried to say.

"Okay," McCoy replied.

Not a second later, he felt the bed go up and someone's hand on his back as he was helped into a sitting position. He wasn't sure who was helping him up, but it was the other person who brought a cup with a straw to his mouth. The person made sure that the straw was directly in front of his mouth. "Drink," Pike stated.

The ice water felt wonderful, cooling his dry itchy throat. He found himself unable to stop drinking, because it calmed down the fire running through his veins. Before he could finish the glass, he started to cough as he drunk more than he was able to at one time. He felt someone pat his back.

"Slow down," Pike ordered.

"We don't need you to choke, when we just got you back," McCoy added.

Jim wanted to chuckle, but nothing came out when he opened his mouth. He closed his eyes as he allowed them to lay him back down. It was a weird feeling to have someone acting so gentle with him, like he could break at any second. He did not like feeling so helpless. "W…where's everyone else?" he asked, his voice straining.

"I kicked them out. I don't need them hovering," Pike answered. "I was surprised how easy it was to kick Spock out. I was positive he would have put up a fight, but he didn't."

"I thought so too. Damn hobgoblin," McCoy stated, setting something down. "Anyhow, you need to rest, and then we can talk."

Jim didn't protest, even though he wanted to. He had been asleep for what seemed like forever, and he didn't want to spend more time in a dark place. It scared him as he wasn't sure if he would wake up again. He didn't want to sleep and dream anymore as even the good dreams brought him so much pain. They were a reminder of what he had, something that could never happen again. It hurt when he thought of Spock, and how he couldn't bear to be around him. Even if Spock knew the truth, he was still tainted to the Vulcan. Was that why he had to leave? _It isn't like I wanted to see him anyways,_ he thought as his eyes started to drift close.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

When Jim woke up later, his vision had cleared a bit. Now he could see things close by, while objects further away were still a bit fuzzy. He was able to see that he was alone except for one person, who was asleep a few feet from him. Pushing up through the pain, he glanced toward Aurelan, who in her sleep had a worried look on her face. He wondered how she got through to see him, but he figured it had something to do with her ability to get passed anyone.

"A-Aurelan," he called, his voice almost too low to hear. He called for her again through his aching throat, and this time she stirred.

She slowly opened her eyes and pushed herself up. "Jim," she called. Her voice was soft and kind, something pleasant in the chaos of the Medbay. "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water? Want to eat?"

He could tell that she was worried and trying not to cry. "No, but help me get this bed into a sitting position," he asked trying to find the remote for to the bed.

Aurelan jumped to her feet and rushed over toward him as if she expected him to disappear at any second. "No problem," she replied as she found the buttons to the bed. "I'm so glad to see you up. You had us so worried."

He felt guilty at hearing that and turned away from her. "How long have I been out?" he asked. He felt the bed shift, and finally rise up into a sitting position.

"A while."

He glanced toward her, looking for a better answer, but she did not give him one. She just looked at him with her big round eyes. "So where is everyone?" he asked, expecting more than just one person. Though he had no interest of being mobbed by everyone, it felt like a sucker punch to the gut that they weren't here. Did no one want to see him?

She pushed the chair closer to Jim and took a seat. "Admiral Pike ordered everyone out. He wanted to give you room to breathe, and didn't want the others around you until we knew if you were…" She drifted out, staring at her hands. Even now, she was beautiful and there was no denying that.

Jim took a deep breath knowing what she meant; he may not know all of what had happened to him while he was out, but he knew he had died and his brain was without oxygen for a few minutes. There was no telling how much damage had been done until he woke up… well if he woke up. If he hadn't been himself, Pike wouldn't want anyone to see that. "I'm fine."

"I see that. Are you sure you don't want anything?" she asked. Her hands were shaking, and upon seeing this, Jim tried to reach out and take one of her hands. His arm felt like lead. Seeing him trying to move, she reached over and gave his hand a light squeeze.

"I'm fine," he said again.

"Are you sure?"

Jim wasn't really sure of anything. He wasn't sure what he wanted or what he was going to do, but he knew he had to start with one thing and that was forgiveness. He would never forget what happened to him, but he needed to forgive so he could move on with his life. For months, Jim had been letting Salean and everyone else have power over him and his life. For too long, he had allowed other people to control what he felt and what he wanted. He knew it would be a very long and hard process for him to reclaim what he had lost, but he would do it. "Yeah." He smiled at her, trying to reinsure her.

She looked at him, not sure if she should believe him or not. "You've been through quite an ordeal."

His smile vanished. He was tired of people telling him how he should be feeling, or how he should be acting. Unless they had been through the hell he had gone through, no one should be telling him what he should be feeling or doing. No one knew what he had been going through. _Relax_ , he told himself as he let go of her hand and hid them in his lap. _Just another setback. Is that all I am good for?_ He thought he was moving forward by forgiving everyone but his anger was coming back. "Aurelan, stop."

"Jim," she said, completely shocked.

"Just stop. I don't want to be told how I'm supposed to be feeling," he snapped, feeling instant regret a second later. He didn't know how he was ever going to forgive anyone if he was snapping over little things. Even as she blinked at him, he could feel dark thoughts entering his mind. Sure, she had been there to comfort him, but even the beautiful Aurelan had betrayed him. It was because of her that he ended up at the Starfleet event.

She just stared at him for a few seconds before she pushed the chair back and stood up. "I will go get Admiral Pike," she stated, sounding defeated.

"Aurelan." He hated himself right now for snapping at her. He knew this was going to be a hard journey for him, but he didn't realized how hard it would be. Sure, it wasn't as easy as turning a switch, but damn, why did everything she say piss him off?

She smiled weakly. "I know your anger isn't directed at me, so don't worry about it." She said as she disappeared behind the curtains.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

 

As Jim waited for Admiral Pike, he thought about how he was going to forgive his so called crew, even though there was still some doubt in his mind that he would be able to do it. He knew it was necessary, because he couldn't allow dark emotions to control his life and overtake all of his thoughts. If he did that, he would be living on that damn farm, doing nothing for the rest of his life, letting anger, distrust, and hate over take him. It would be a disease that would take everything from him if he let it. It was up to him to fight it, not his former crew.

How could forgive any of them? Anger came to the surface each time he thought about it, because no one had the right to be forgiven after what they had done to him. They had broken him beyond everything that Salean had done. The people in his former crew were the ones who turned their backs on him and watched him suffer. Some had even gleefully enjoyed watching and adding to it.

Jim turned into his pillow and buried his face in it, remaining there until Pike pushed through the curtains. He didn't look up until he heard his name. He hadn't realized that he had been crying until he looked and saw the pillow was wet. He closed his eyes for a second before he turned to Pike and forced a smile to his face. "Hey, Old man."

"Urgh, I hoped that part of you would have disappeared," Pike answered as he stepped toward the bed. "How are you? Do you need M'Benga?"

"No, I just need to get out of here," Jim answered. He finally decided he needed a lot of time to think before he gave anyone forgiveness. "Far away from these things," he said pointing to everything medical. His eyes rested on a few hypos, the devil's playthings.

Pike let out a small chuckle. "For someone who was declared dead for a few minutes, you are sure annoying." He paused as he studied Jim's face. "And you can't leave just yet. See that machine right there?" He pointed to a square box right next to the bed. Wires connected it to his chest. "I'm not sure what that does, but it's keeping your heart beating."

"Who needs a heart?" uttered Jim. His heart was broken and he wasn't sure if he wanted to repair it. He didn't need love to live his life or captain a ship. There was a look of pity in Pike's eyes that Jim didn't like, but he didn't say anything.

The Admiral reached out his hand to give him support, but Jim flinched away from him. "Jim."

Jim closed his eyes, unable to look at the older man. With each passing second, it was becoming clear that he wasn't able to do what he wanted to do. He had become a weakling.

"Don't let that judge you, Jim. Anyone would be affected if they faced what you did." He paused and leaned in. "It takes strength to stand up like you did. Don't forget that."

"If you say so," Jim muttered. He could feel how weak his heart had become. Even the slightest of movements took his breath away. How long would he be like this?

"Do you want to see anyone?" Pike asked, looking over him.

"I wanted to see everyone to say I forgive them. I don't want to have this anger, but I don't think I can. The very idea of talking to any of them makes me sick, and the idea that I can't forgive the people who saved my life makes me feel like shit. I owe my life to some of them. Without McCoy or Spock, I wouldn't be here, yet I don't want to see them," Jim stated. "I just want to get back to Earth, work on getting the _Providence_ , and forget it all."

Pike took a deep breath. "I know it's hard, but you don't need to forget to forgive someone."

"I know and I keep telling myself that, but it's harder said than done."

The Admiral let the sound die down in the room before he spoke again. "Are you up to talking about Salean and Seleen, and what happened when they took you?" Pike asked, hesitation in his voice.

Jim glanced at Pike, who looked older than he remembered. He had a few more gray hairs than before, and there were heavy bags under his eyes. "You want to know how I was captured." Jim reasoned.

"I need to know what happened so we can make sure those bastards go to jail this time."

Jim closed his eyes as a panic attack threatened to hit him. He could feel it in his bones, and he slowed his breathing as he tried to control it. The last trial was a joke in every sense, and he didn't know if he could go through that again. The idea of reliving everything shook him hard. "You don't need me to do it. You caught him in the act."

"I don't want to take it to trial, but just in case."

"When I got those ugly ass flowers and the note, I freaked out," Jim started. "I didn't know if I could keep living with the constant reminder that Salean would always be after me." He stopped and stared down at his balled hands. His nails were digging into his skin, but the pain kept him sane unlike the rest of the pain he was feeling. "I needed to clear my mind, or the fear would weigh me down. I knew drinking was a bad idea." He stopped again. "But I had no idea what to do."

Pike looked Jim over. "If this is too much, let me know."

Jim shook his head. "My mind settled on sex," he continued. He could see the shock in Pike's eyes at hearing that. "I hadn't had sex or thought about the idea of it since I was raped." He stopped again to take a breath. "Before the rape, sex was something I wholeheartedly enjoyed. Anyone who knew me knew that, and I thought if I can get that back, then maybe I could get me back." He stopped again and squeezed his hands tighter. "I went down to the planet to some random bar that I don't remember the name of. I forced myself up to some random girl. I couldn't do a guy without freaking out completely. Even if there was no way that I could overpower her, I just needed the illusion that I could in case I needed to get away." He paused again. "I couldn't do that with a male."

Pike waited for Jim to continue and when he didn't, he pushed him slightly. "Then what?"

"Then I found a female humanoid that was easy on the eyes and went up to her. It didn't take long for me to talk her into going back to her room." He paused for a moment and took another deep breath. "However, when we got there, we weren't alone. One of Seleen's thugs was there. You met him I believe."

"There was one that Spock took down."

Jim opened his fists and stared at the blood droplets on his hands. "It had been a trap set up by Seleen and Salean. I guess they knew me all too well." He closed his eyes again and threw his head back against the pillow. "I tried to fight back, but I was no match and was out in a matter of seconds. I remember a very angry Salean and even in my unconscious state, I could feel him touching me, mad that I was hurt. I don't remember much after that besides some random doctor trying to save me and McCoy." He took a deep breath and stared up at the blinding light. He felt sick just thinking about it. "Without McCoy being there, I might not have fought to stay alive. Just him being there was a comfort."

Pike reached for Jim's arm again and this time he held through the flinch. He eyed Jim, who was still covered in bruises and cuts, but each injury was healing well. His face didn't look as bad as before. "They don't know you."

"How can you say that? They knew exactly what I was going to do. Maybe, Salean was right about me," he turned away from Pike. His mind focused on Pike's hand, wondering if he deserved it.

"Salean knows nothing," Pike said. There was anger in his voice. "Don't you ever think that! If you do, he wins. You need to fight back, Jim. I'm tired of this whining."

The remark hit Jim like a sack of bricks, and he didn't know how to respond.

The Admiral continued, letting his hand fall. "I know you been through a lot, but you need to stay out of that dark place." He paused, wondering if he should say the next thing. "I feel like you like it there in that dark place. You want to stay where people feel sorry for you."

Anger started to rise up in Jim. "How dare you? You think I want to feel this way? Well, I don't! I want to move on!" He tried to push himself up, but the wires connected to him strained and kept him on the bed. "I really do. I want to forgive them! I just don't know how!" Jim yelled.

"Then don't."

"What?" Jim was shocked, "I thought you wanted me to forgive them? How can I heal if I don't?" His brain was spinning.

Pike's expression softened as he stood. In silence, he stepped away from Jim and after a long minute, he turned back with a half-smile. "Forgiveness is a tricky thing, that can't be rushed. If it is, then it could turn into resentment. You can only forgive them when you are ready. It's a feeling deep down inside of you."

"But they saved my life," Jim whined.

"That doesn't change what they did, and if you did forgive them, your life won't go back to what it was before." Pike crossed back to the bed and sat gently on the edge of the bed. "Is that what you want?"

Jim didn't answer him right away, thinking about what Pike had said. There was a part of him that wanted what he had before he ended up in the Medical Bay…what he had considered the best ship in Starfleet, the _Enterprise_ …a great, trustworthy crew…a best friend…a lover, while another part wanted it all to burn. His mind kept telling him that he didn't want or need Spock or any of it back. He should move on and take the _Providence_. "I don't know."

"You know it won't work, right?"

His anger was boiling back up again. "How would you know?"

"Because in order to go forward, you need to work through everything and I mean everything." Pike took a deep breath. "And you aren't even close."

"And you won't let me anyways."

"I won't let you what?"

"Be the Captain of a ship."

Pike's eyes softened as he looked at how defeated Jim had become. "You aren't ready."

"I know," Jim said as he leaned back in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Pike was right about everything. He wasn't ready to forgive anyone, including himself. He wasn't ready to captain a ship, when he couldn't even look at his reflection without flinching.

"Do you want Aurelan to come back? Want to speak to anyone else?"

Jim closed his eyes and thought about who he wanted to see. "Have you been keeping them back?"

"Yeah, I didn't know what you would do if you woke up and saw them all here."

"Probably a good thing. How close are we to Earth?" Jim asked, changing the subject.

Pike stood up and stepped away from the bed. "We're about a day away from Starfleet Headquarters. Then we have to figure out what we're going to do. Your brother wants to take you to some private faculty and keep you far from Starfleet, which I believe is what your mother wants as well."

"I don't want that," Jim stated calmly. He had been through so much in his young life and decided he wanted Starfleet in it. He couldn't sit on the sidelines anymore. "I told you before I wanted the _Providence,_ and I meant that, even if I have to fight for it."

The Admiral smiled. "Good. If you hadn't woken up, I knew we would've had a fight on our hands."

Jim sideways glanced at him. "And Sam would have put up a fight."

"Do you want to see him?"

"No."

"Afraid you would change your mind if you did?"

"Yes."

Pike opened his mouth to speak again, but he stopped when he saw the curtain move. Jim's heart started to beat faster as he wondered who was pushing through. For a split second, he wanted it to be McCoy, even if he couldn't forgive him. He wanted his friendship back.

_No, you want what you had, and it won't ever be that way again._ Because of all the hurt, accusations, and assumptions, they could never be best friends again. When M'Benga pushed through the curtains with a small cup of pills in his hand, Jim felt a brief bit of sadness, but pushed it away. It was better that it hadn't been McCoy, since he still didn't know what he wanted to say to him.

"Dr. M'Benga, I didn't expect you," Jim stated, his voice uneven.

"Yeah, Doctor McCoy thought it would be for the best," he said as he handed the pills to Jim with a glass of water. "Take these. You need them for your heart."

As Jim carefully took the pills and drunk some water to wash them down, he tried to mask the pain of M'Benga not being McCoy. A part of him really wanted to see his former best friend. "Thanks, M'Benga."

"Are you okay, Jim?" Pike asked, noticing a change in Jim's voice.

"It's nothing," said Jim. He hated how he was feeling right now.

"Did you want to see someone?" Pike asked. "We can send for them."

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Can you send McCoy in?" he asked. It wasn't because he wanted to forgive him. He wanted to thank the doctor for staying with him, and once he did that, he should be able to move on with his life or so he hoped.

Pike was shocked. "Are you sure? M'Benga can assist you if you need anything."

"I don't need anything like that. I just need to work through something with him. You know I still haven't talked to Uhura or Spock, and I'm so angry at those two I can't even look at them right now. I haven't had a chance to face McCoy. He saved my life so I think I owe it to him." Jim said with a small smile. Even though he wanted to thank the Vulcan for saving his life, it was still too painful for him to think of being in alone in the same room with him.

"So you just want to yell at him?" Pike chuckled.

"He deserves it," Jim said, thinking back to all the pain his former best friend had caused him.

"I can get him for you if you like," M'Benga said.

Pike took a deep breath. "Thanks. I have a few things I need to do." With his hand on the blue curtain, he turned back to Jim. "And you don't want to see anyone else?"

Jim already knew who he really wanted to see. "Chekov and Scotty, but I want to see McCoy first." He wanted to finally talk to his former best friend because if he didn't do that right now, he might never work up enough courage to face him.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Dr. McCoy knew it was the best thing to do when Admiral Pike forced everyone out of the Medical Bay, because they didn't need to be surrounding Jim, when he needed to be left alone. After everything that happened, no one had the right to be in the hospital room besides the only people who supported Jim the entire time, Scotty and Chekov. He took a long look around the mess hall to see the senior staff sitting and waiting for some word. Like him, they were waiting for Jim to ask to see them, though they all knew that wasn't going to happen. Why would he ask after everything they had done to him?

Scotty and Chekov were sitting in the left far corner, talking in whispers. Well Scotty was talking in whispers. Chekov was angry and was growing louder with each sentence he spoke. Every other word out of Chekov's mouth was in Russian and judging by his tone, it couldn't have been anything good. No one in the room except Uhura could understand what he said, but she was trying to speak to Spock on the other side of the room.

Spock, with a P.A.D.D. in his hand, wasn't paying any attention to anyone in the room besides Uhura, who was trying to get him to see Jim. Spock had also been kicked out from the room, but unlike everyone else, he wasn't fighting to get back. Spock, who had refused to leave Jim when his life was in danger, was now refusing to see him when he was recovering. He could do a guilt trip better than anyone else and was now punishing himself by staying away from Jim.

Sulu was sitting across from the doctor reading an old-fashion book about some sort of rare plant. The Pilot was so focused on the book that McCoy wasn't sure of what was going through his head as he sat in silence. There was something to say about a man who hardly said a word.

"Spock, you're being ridiculous," Uhura yelled as she bolted up to her feet. She had drawn everyone's attention with her outburst. "You can't just sit here. You need to speak to Kirk."

The Vulcan slowly got to his feet, holding the P.A.D.D. under his arm. He glanced at her for a second before he turned to leave. "I will be in the Science Labs."

"Spock, if you let him go now, you might never get him back," she said as she took a few steps after him.

"Jim is not an object that I can just take. I will not treat him like that." Spock replied as he turned back, giving her one of his famous Vulcan glares. "I betrayed Jim and lost all right." He paused. "If Jim wishes to speak to me, he will call for me, but as he has not, I will not force myself on him. He is recovering and will be taking the _Providence._ I do not need to protect or save him anymore."

"Kirk will always need you," Uhura said, trying to get him to stop.

The Vulcan didn't say anything and continued to the door, but he didn't make it far as Dr. M'Benga strode into the mess hall. His arrival quieted everyone as they knew he was the doctor treating Captain Kirk.

"Has something happened to Jim?" Spock asked.

M'Benga smiled lightly as he stepped forward into the room. "Captain Kirk is doing well. Better than expected."

McCoy got to his feet. "Then why are you here? Am I needed?" He had avoided going anywhere near Jim's hospital bed, after the first time he had spoken to him. It wasn't like he wasn't allowed to go into the bay. After all, he was still the CMO. Pike may not have ordered him away like he had done everyone else, but he strongly advised that he leave Jim alone.

"You all worry too much," M'Benga stated.

"I do not think we worry enough," Spock stated. "Did you come here for any particular reason?"

"Kirk has asked to see you, Dr. McCoy," M'Benga said.

McCoy couldn't think for a few seconds after hearing that. Jim really wanted to see him? "Really?"

M'Benga smiled slightly. "I don't know if it is a good thing, as he made a mention of yelling at you, but it could be."

To McCoy, even if Jim were to yell at him, it was something. At least he would be talking to him, and they could work something out, even if Jim never spoke to him again.

"It is something," said Leonard as he glanced at Spock. He could see something in the Vulcan snap at hearing that Jim wanted to talk to him instead of his former lover. He knew Spock was taking this harder than anyone else as he had been the closest to Jim, and Jim had been his everything. The feeling that came after he had mistakenly betrayed the most important person in the world was something that McCoy wouldn't wish on anyone.

"And after he's finished with you," M'Benga added, "Kirk said Chekov and Mr. Scott can see him."

At hearing that, Chekov's face lit up, and he was almost bouncing in his chair. Scotty looked like he was about to jump for joy. Yet, McCoy couldn't take his eyes off Spock, who stood stiffly in his place, but the Doctor could see right through him. He looked like he had been hit by a truck. McCoy's heart went out to the Vulcan, knowing that even though they brought this upon themselves, it must have been a blow to his heart.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

It felt like a lifetime waiting for McCoy to arrive, and Jim still wasn't sure what to say. Yet as each second passed he felt his edge slipping away. If McCoy took any longer, he would turn into a lost puppy who couldn't find its mother, and he didn't want to be that helpless. When the curtains moved, Jim's weak heart skipped and the machine beeped loudly in warning. Jim glanced at it weakly before he glared at the curtain. It seemed like it was playing tricks on him, making him see things, and messing with his already weakened mind. He was going crazy.

When McCoy pushed pass the curtain, Jim felt his heart do a loop. "McCoy," he uttered as the Doctor walked over to the heart machine and checked it.

"…You need to relax, Jim. Your heart is still recovering," McCoy said.

Jim could see the hesitation in his former best friend's steps. "I can only lay in bed for so long," he said. He was already sick of his Medical Bay bed and couldn't wait to could get out of it. Beds, though not as bad when he first was raped, still made him uneasy.

"Your legs probably won't support you," McCoy's quietly warned him. After checking the machine, he stepped back to the foot of the bed. He eyed Jim's discolored face for a few seconds before he spoke, "So let me have it. Yell at me, because I can't take this. I hate silence."

Jim watched McCoy's expressions changed. It was amazing how many emotions he could see in the Doctor's face. "I wanted to say thank you, and then I wanted to yell at you for putting your life in risk. You didn't have to do that."

A small smile appeared on McCoy's face, only to fade away after a second. "I did. I wasn't going to leave you again…" He drifted off, and Jim could hear the guilt in his voice. "You're like a brother to me."

The admission made Jim angry. How could he do that to his 'brother'? "Was I really?" Jim asked, unable to stop himself. He knew he shouldn't start an argument, but the resentment and irritation was bubbling to the surface. How could he really say anything like that after what he had done?

"Jim…"

Jim could feel panic rising in him. His breathing turned to gasps as the air left his lungs. The machine sent out another warning. McCoy rushed to it and put a hand on Jim's shoulder.

"Jim, you need calm down."

A shudder flew through him from the contact, but he focused on his breathing. After taking several deep calming breaths, the machine finally stopped sounding its warning, and McCoy reluctantly let go. He returned to standing at the front of Jim's bed.

"You turned on me. How can you say I was like a brother to you?"

McCoy glanced down at his hands. "I can't and I'll have to live with that. I'll have to live with everything that happened and know that I'm part of the reason."

"Damn straight." There were so many things going through his mind and Jim didn't know what to make of it. "You know I wanted to forgive everyone, because that's how I'm supposed to move forward, but I'm not ready to do that."

"I understand."

"No, you don't and don't insist that you do. I'm trying hard to say what I need to say, but my anger won't let me. I just want to take a baseball bat to everyone's head, including yours, and then take a phaser to Salean and his father, but I can't. I don't know how to handle my anger and until I do that, I can't forgive anyone. It's taking everything I have not to fall apart," Jim explained. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Maybe, that means I'm improving, because not long ago I would have lost it and attacked. You can ask Spock about that."

"You attacked him?"

"When I first saw him, I slapped him right in front of Selek and Chekov, because I couldn't deal with him. Still can't really. Just seeing him brings out so much rage. He saved me, but I can't get that look of disgust out of my head." He took a deep calming breath. There was so much anger inside of him. "I can't get those eyes out of my mind."

"You know Spock stayed with you the whole time you were out."

"I know. I saw his ugly face when I woke."

"This is breaking him."

Jim knew he was right. But right now, he wanted to be selfish just like everyone on the ship had been. "I know, but I can't see him… It hurts too much." His heart sped up just thinking about it. "And to be honest, if I did, I might flip out on him again, even though I want to thank him for saving my life. Without the two of you, I would be Salean's sex slave." The very idea left a bad taste in his mouth, and it made his sick to his stomach. "And it won't help Spock either. He might think there would be hope for us and there isn't. There will never be an us again."

McCoy glanced at him. "So I'm the safer route?"

"That and I haven't had the chance to yell at you for turning on me." He looked at his hands as if they were a safe haven. Still looking at his hands, he added, "I don't know what you want me to say, McCoy." He refused to call McCoy 'Bones' as that was a name reserved for friends and right now, the doctor wasn't his friend. "We can't be friends right now. I can't have that with anyone right now, not after what happened. Maybe, after some time."

"You're giving me false hope," he said.

"If that gave you hope, then it's some terrible hope," Jim said. "It might never happen. I have to like myself first, and I'm not sure if I can ever do that."

"You can yell at me," McCoy said, trying to find something. "Call me names."

Jim looked at him, knowing what McCoy was doing. "That won't help and my throat is too sore to yell."

"So you're going to walk away from Starfleet again?"

"No, just the _Enterprise_ and her crew," Jim said weakly. "I need to start over. I need to get away from here, because with each passing second my anger keeps growing and I just want to snap. You have no idea how much I want to snap."

"Are you going to tell anyone else this time?" McCoy asked, sounding bitter. "Is that why you're asking for Chekov and Scotty?" There was a jealous tone in his voice.

Jim didn't answer right away, unsure if he wanted to explain to McCoy that he was planning to take Chekov and Scotty with him. They had stuck by him when no one else did; they remained at his side when he needed it. They were the only two humans left that he trusted. Jim of course wasn't on his own list. There was only one Vulcan he trusted and that was Sarek, who had faithfully kept his secret, even from Spock. "No, I plan to take them with me," Jim admitted.

"I can see why," McCoy said, sounding completely defeated. "You know I wish I could take back everything I said. You were never those things. Never. You were meant to be a Captain."

"Hindsight is 20/20," he said, not meaning to sound bitter, but it came out that way.

"I know. I wish you luck," McCoy said as he readied himself to leave. Every fiber in him was screaming at him to take Jim and give him a comforting hug like he used to do.

"McCoy, even if I do forgive you, it doesn't mean I can work or be friends with you," he said. "There's no trust anymore, and I can't be on a ship with people I can't trust." It hurt him to see that depressed face on his former best friend. It shouldn't be like this. How did things turn out like this?

"I know. I have to earn it back and I will."

"I need to forgive myself first before that happens."

McCoy looked at him as he slowly opened the curtain. "All the same, I am sorry."

Jim looked down at his hands as he took a deep breath. "I wish that fixed things, but it doesn't. I don't know if it can ever go back."

"I know…" He drifted off. "I still think you need to speak with Spock."

Jim closed his eyes and said nothing as McCoy left. He didn't know what was going happen, but it didn't make him feel any better about the situation. It just made him feel worse about everything. Lowering the bed, Jim lay back down and closed his eyes. Feeling exhaustion creeping up on him, he hoped he would feel better after a nap. Maybe when he was back to normal, he would be able to move on. Maybe after a few weeks, he could forgive them, but right now, it was too fresh…too raw in his mind.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and aren't too upset. I want to give you all that happy ending, but I can't really give it so soon and give the story some justice. There was this one story I read with the same theme of this where there was a character Death and it left the reader in shock as there wasn't any happy ending. It was a depressing ending. I won't do that to you, but I just want to warn you all that it will take some time for Jim to forgive them all. It might not even happen in this story. It might happen in the Sequel (that I am playing with the idea of writing) 
> 
> Also, don't get too use to these daily updates. I only have a few more left.


	24. Painful Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a few requests to go deeper into the rape scene, so I am answering those request. The First Flashback will go deeper into that scene, though it will stop right before the rape which may be too much for a few readers. I don't want to make any of my readers uncomfortable so if you don't want to read it, you can skip the first flashback. Just go to the second double *O*O* section.
> 
> And I am sorry if I make any of you uncomfortable. I know I felt uncomfortable when I wrote this, but I do believe it turned out well.
> 
> Also, there is a time jump at the end of the Chapter, but I will explain the time lapse in the next chapter, so don't worry. I don't want you to think you are missing anything.
> 
> Anyhow, please let me know what you think with reviews.

Most of Jim's memories these days were anything but sweet and if they were, his sweet memories couldn't beat out the horrible, horrible memories that haunted him night and day. It didn't matter what he was doing or who he was talking to, the terrible memories were always there, attacking his happiness. Even now, in this calm space, the scariest one terrorized him.

* * *

 

*O*O*

_*O*O*_

* * *

 

_"Do you like the stone? It is my gift to you." Salean asked with a creepy smile._

_Jim eyed the large stone on the table, which seemed to be endlessly mocking him. He didn't know what to think of the strangely colored leaf. It was a neon color that nearly made his eyes hurt from the brightness, and it made him wonder if it was natural leaf. However, he wasn't able to think about it for long as Salean was staring impatiently at him._

_"What do you think, James?"_

_There it was again: his full first name. What was it with this Dalenian calling him by his full first name? Was it a part of his culture? Jim wasn't sure and now felt annoyed at himself, because he hadn't carefully read the report that Uhura had put together for him. He had only skimmed through it, reading what he had thought was the most important. He closed his eyes, trying to remember if there was anything about a stone in those reports. "That's an interesting leaf," Jim said, trying to buy some time as he racked his brain._

_"It comes from our rarest tree," Salean stated. He stepped closer to Jim, impatience showing in his steps. "Now, James, what do you think?"_

_Warning signs went off in Jim's head as he stepped closer to Jim. Yet, he couldn't risk ruining the treaty by rejecting the offering, though he had no idea of what he was rejecting. He had no idea what the stone meant and knew it could be dangerous to reject or accept the stone without knowing its meaning. "It's nice," he stated, taking a step back._

_Just by the expression on Salean's face, it was clear it wasn't the answer he wanted. "But do you accept the stone?"_

_Jim grimaced because he couldn't help but answer. "Sure. It's a nice stone," he said, regretting it a second later._

_Salean smiled. "I'm glad," he said, taking a step closer._

_Taking another step back, Jim backed into a chair, almost knocking it over. He wasn't quite sure why he was so scared of the Dalenian. He could take care of himself, but there was something about him that Jim didn't like. "…Well, thank you for the stone. If you mind, I think I'm going to sleep now."_

_Salean's eyes drifted to the bed and another creepy smile appeared on his face as if he expected something. "Sleep would be wise," he said, turning to the bed._

_Jim finally had enough of the Dalenian's cryptic remarks, though most of his inner turmoil could be from the earlier fight that he had with Spock which still plagued his mind and left his emotions running wild. "So if you could leave?" he asked, waving toward the door._

_The expression on Salean's face suddenly turned sour. "You desire to me leave?" he asked, almost snapping. "Why?"_

_Jim had no idea what was happening, but he didn't like it. "If you don't mind," he said turning from Salean. He hoped his turned back would be a sign that he didn't want Salean here. Why couldn't he understand that? Shaking his head, Jim stepped around the chair as he hoped to ready himself for bed, but he never got the chance. The second he stepped away, pain exploded on the back of his head, sending him to the ground. It was barely a second later when darkness covered his eyes._

_Jim didn't know when he came to, but his mind was fuzzy and his wasn't able to make anything out. To make matters worse, he couldn't move. When he tried to pull his arms, they refused to budge. Pulling harder, he strained his wrists, and the skin tinged and ached. If he knew if he kept pulling, he would rub the skin raw. To his relief, his legs weren't tied to a bedpost like his arms, but his ankles were chained together. Moving his legs he found he could move them apart, but the short length only allowed him to move them a couple feet apart. The rattling of the links burned in his ears._

_Jim forced his eyes opened as he threw his head back, trying to clear his mind. Even though there was a soft pillow behind him, pain flashed through his head, and his eyes slammed shut as his head protested the movement. As the pain grew, he fought at the restraints, but there was no give and he felt his skin chafing to the point of blood. It came to the point that it hurt just to move his arms._

_The Captain in Jim refused to give up, even if the pain had become extreme. He forced his eyes open again and everything was still fuzzy. He was unable to make anything out but a shadow that stood at the end of the bed. Jim closed his eyes for a minute before he opened them again, hoping to clear his vision. His heart began to pound as fear began to take over._

_Judging by the cold breeze on his body, Jim realized he was naked. There had been times he had woken up naked, but only after a night with Spock or those drunken nights before he became Captain. Fear crept into every cell of his body. Why was he naked? Why was he tied to the bed? One terrible idea instantly came to mind, but he desperately tried to chase it away. He refused to believe it was possible. Most people would think that was some cosmic joke, considering how many people he had slept with. No one would believe him._

_Shaking his head, he forced his mind back and focused on the shape in front of him. After a few blinks, Jim realized it was Salean standing in front of the bed, wearing only a golden robe. His white flesh was visible as the robe was untied, revealing everything._

_"Salean, what the hell?" Jim snapped. He knew yelling at Salean would not help, but he needed the Dalenian to listen to him._

_"You accepted my stone," he said, as he licked his lips._

_Jim almost growled at himself for accepting that damn stone. Keeping his eyes off Salean's manhood, he forced his eyes up and his stomach flipped. There was a hunger in Salean's eyes that scared him as they drank in Jim's naked form. Jim was never shy about his body, but now he felt the urge to cover up. He pulled at his restraints and flinched at the pain._

_"Relax, James." He stepped toward the side of the bed, running his fingers up Jim's bare leg._

_Salean's cold fingers felt wrong on his skin, and he suppressed a flinch. "If you let me go, I won't report this," Jim said, trying to use his command voice. "You can just walk away."_

_"There is nothing to report, James," he stated, stepping to the side of the bed. His fingers danced on Jim's exposed side near his ribcage, making him cringe. "You took the stone."_

_"What does that stone have to do with this?" Jim asked. He tried to think of anything besides Salean touching him._

_"It means you are mine," Salean said as he took a seat on the bed._

_Jim desperately tried to move away, but there was no give with the ropes. "How does a stone do that?" he asked, failing to keep up his command voice._

_"You accepted my…" He paused as if looking for the right word. "…my betrothal stone. These stones are the rarest on my planet. It is a gift, one of many that I will shower you with."_

_Jim didn't know why Salean considered a leaf-wrapped stone as a gift. "I don't want it." He knew he could anger the Dalenian by rejecting the stone, but maybe, if he was clear, Salean would leave him alone._

_Salean roughly grabbed Jim's face and forced it still. "You accepted it. You are mine. I will not take rejection."_

_"Was that why you tied me up?" Jim asked, eyeing him as he tried to fight the hold on his face. He knew it was useless against Salean's strength, but he had to do something. He couldn't allow this to happen._

_Before Jim could react, Salean forced a quick kiss on Jim's lips. "You are mine." He hovered an inch above Jim as if he was going to kiss him again._

_"No matter how many times you say 'You are mine,' it doesn't make me yours," Jim hissed. "It just makes it annoying." His temper had reached his peak. "Now, get away from me!" he yelled as his legs came alive. Despite being chained together, he found the strength to move them._

_Salean let go of Jim's face and roughly grabbed Jim's legs to force him down. "You will learn your place," he said as he tightened his hold on them. "I will have you willingly or not."_

_Jim growled. "I won't go willingly," he said, as his urge to fight grew._

_"You accepted my stone. You are my betrothed," he said, firmly. He let go of Jim's now bruised legs and backed away from the bed._

_Jim's mind went into overdrive as he tried to figure out how to get out of this mess. He had to do something or else he would be raped. How did he get here? Did he inadvertently flirt with Salean and somehow made him think that way? Did he act someway to attract this monster? He took a breath and tried to focus on getting away. He knew he did nothing wrong. This was all on Salean, who wouldn't take no for an answer. Shaking his head, he needed to escape, but the rope around his hands was strong. "Why don't you ask someone else?"_

_Salean snapped back as if he had just been insulted. "I do not want anyone else. Your figure appeases me." He stepped back to the bed. "I want only you and you should only want me!"_

_"I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm taken," Jim stated, though he wasn't clear of his relationship with Spock at the moment._

_In an instant, Salean was on top of him, kneeing above him. His body hovered an inch above Jim as a threat. "You belong to no one but me!" Salean was now enraged. "Who dares to claim you as theirs?" He brought his face closer to him._

_Going against all of his survival training, Jim swung his legs up into Salean's privates. He didn't know what he was really expecting, but he had expected more of a reaction from Salean, who barely flinched._

_"If you wanted to get feisty, James, you just needed to tell me," Salean stated as he leaned down and forced a painful kiss onto Jim, who did everything he could to fight off the monster. Nothing worked and he was rewarded with a slam to the back of the head, leaving him dazed. "Do not fight me, James. It will be more enjoyable if you do not."_

_"No," he yelled, his head feeling like it was on fire. "Get off."_

_"Tell me who it is!" Salean demanded. "Who has your heart?"_

_Jim closed his eyes again, trying to focus, but it was hard with Salean right over top of him. He could feel Salean's body wanting him, nearly making him sick. The air left his lungs as he felt himself start to cave, but he refused to break in front of this monster._

_"Tell me who it is," he ordered. Salean glanced down at Jim's body, as he ran his hand up his leg, hesitating at Jim's inner thigh. "I can pleasure you more than they ever could," he added when Jim didn't say anything. He lowered himself down on Jim, pressing his body against Jim's shaking form and moved slightly to create fiction._

_Jim tensed up, still in disbelief at what was happening. "Stop. Just stop!" he yelled, trying to distract himself from the feeling of Salean's body against him. "Please," he begged, surprising even himself. His voice sounded so broken. "I don't want this. Just go, and we can forget this happened." He looked away as he bit his lip to the point of blood. He could feel it flowing down his chin._

_Salean grabbed Jim's face and forced him to look at him. "Who is this person who has your heart?" he asked as he placed a kiss on the edge of Jim's lips. He licked the blood from Jim's chin and lip as his free hand traveled down, caressing him. "Does this not feel good?"_

_The touch made the nausea rise to the back of his throat. He wanted to puke, but nothing came up. "Just stop. Please," he begged again. "I don't want this."_

_His pleas angered Salean even more as he slammed Jim's head back in the pillow and held his head in place. "Who is this human that has your heart?"_

_Jim cringed under him as he felt Salean's hand on his hips. "Get off," he yelled, feeling his anger grow. This monster had no right to touch him like this. "Stop it!" he yelled, hoping someone would hear them. "STOP!"_

_The hand left Jim's hip and reached for something on the stand next to the bed. At Jim's angle, he couldn't see it, but when the object was harshly pressed against his side, the cold sharp metal left no doubts. He instantly knew it was a blade. "Who is this human?" Salean asked again as he hovered over Jim. The knife danced at Jim's side._

_"He isn't a human," Jim yelled, still fighting. He was barely focused on the knife as his mind went back to Spock, whom he should have listened to. If only he allowed Spock to beam down with him… This wouldn't be happening…. Oh, God, what would Spock think of him now? Would he reject him? No, he wouldn't do that. He would die if he did._

_There was an evil smirk on Salean as he pressed the knife into Jim's side, drawing blood. "He? And he is not human?" he asked, almost shocked. Jim didn't answer and looked away. "Who is he?" Anger flared up in Salean as he pressed the knife harder, causing Jim to scream out in pain. "Who is he?"_

_"Why do you care?" Jim asked through his teeth. Salean dragged the blade deep into Jim's flesh, carving some kind of pattern. He tried move, but Salean sat on his legs, pinning him to the bed. "Please stop. Please. Let me go and I won't tell anyone." The pain was extreme, making it hard to focus. Jim let out another scream as Salean dug the blade even deeper in his side._

_"Tell me who it is and I will stop."_

_Jim's blood soaked the bed, making everything sticky and gluing him to the bed. "Why do you want his name?" he asked, trying to move away from the blade, now covered in the deep crimson of his blood._

_Salean smiled as he put down the blade and lowered himself down to Jim's red side. "Your blood is beautiful," he said as he licked the crimson liquid from Jim's wound. Picking up his head, he stared deep into Jim's terrified eyes. "I want to know who I am competing with." His mouth and lips were dark red from Jim's blood. "If he is not human, what is he? Why will you not tell me? Does he not mean anything to you?" He dug his fingers into the cuts, causing more pain to shoot through Jim. "Tell me and I will stop." He caressed Jim's hip again. "We can do something else." When Jim didn't answer, he grabbed Jim's arm and held it until it bruised. "You love him that much that you refuse to tell me his name?"_

_Jim didn't want to reveal Spock's name. He was terrified that this crazed Dalenian would go after him. Even as the torture continued, he refused to speak the name he cherished above in the Enterprise. Each time Jim refused to answer, another blow slammed into him, and he felt his strength draining. He didn't know how much longer he could take it. "He is my everything. We are to be bonded," Jim said, trying to hold him off._

_"Bonded, you say?" he asked as his hand drifted down toward Jim's manhood._

_It wasn't exactly true, as Jim had turned Spock down, yet being trapped in this living nightmare with Salean, made him realize how much he wanted to be with Spock in every way. If he ever got out of here, he would tell Spock that he was wrong and would accept his proposal. "I did," Jim said, trying to struggle out of the Salean's hand. When Salean gasped his penis, Jim froze._

_Salean squeezed slightly. "I can make you forget that Vulcan." The answer stole Jim's breath away. "It is your First Officer, is it not? I know all about him." He squeezed tighter, creating more pain for Jim, who screamed with his remaining strength. "Why do you not enjoy this?" He hissed, squeezing even harder._

_There were so many things going through Jim, but it wasn't just the physical pain. The mental pain was worse. His heart was breaking and his soul was shattering. His will to fight and live were now dying. There was no way that he could break free of this monster, no matter how much he struggled against the restraints. His wrists were bleeding, and his side was on fire. He didn't need the strong smell of copper that assaulted his nose to tell him that he had lost a lot of blood._

_Salean grabbed Jim's face again and force another kiss. "Give in," he ordered. "Forget that Vulcan."_

_"Please stop," Jim cried, struggling again._

_Salean grabbed Jim's legs and forced them apart so he could slip between them. "You will forget him and beg for me," he hissed as he disrobed himself._

_Jim struggled again knowing what was about to happen. "Please don't. Please," he begged, trying in vain to get away from Salean._

_"What does he have that I do not?"_

_"He doesn't force me," Jim yelled, throwing his head back in defeat. His self-preservation had stopped working, and he spoke without thinking. "And I love him."_

_The declaration enraged Salean. "No, you do not."_

_Jim forced his eyes closed as the monster descended on him._

* * *

 

_Jim didn't know when Salean fell asleep next to him, but he knew he wouldn't sleep. He knew that peaceful sleep would never come to him again as nightmares filled his mind, even when awake. He felt sick, having puked when Salean pulled out and fell asleep next to him. Jim refused to feel tired. He was not going to let himself to fall asleep with Salean right next to him. The Dalenian had an arm around his waist, his fingers on the edge of the still bleeding carving on his skin. Jim had tried to use his feet to get away, but he couldn't get his legs to work. They had gone numb, and now he could barely move his toes._

_He knew it had to do with how violently he had been raped, which had left him bleeding from the tears in his rectum. He could feel and smell the blood starting to pool beneath him. Salean didn't seem to care. He refused to listen to Salean's moans as Jim cried for him to stop. How could he have enjoyed anything when Jim was screaming in pain? Maybe, he enjoyed his pain…_

_"James."_

_If Jim could have jumped, he would have, but his body was too exhausted to do anything. Jim felt Salean's arm move to his head as he rubbed the redness on Jim's face._

_"Easy, my James. You need to rest," Salean said, smoothly and gently as if it had been a pleasant night for both of them. He pushed himself up, and now was hovering over the battered form._

_"Just let me go," Jim begged. His throat felt like sandpaper._

_Salean eyed him before getting to his feet. His naked form was haunting Jim as it dripped some kind of liquid, making him nauseated. "I am needed somewhere, but I will back shortly," he promised._

_Jim seemed to find some unknown strength and started to struggle with the restraints again. His wrists screamed out in pain as some of cuts reopened._

_"Easy, James," Salean stated just watching him. After a few minutes of watching Jim struggle, he left without another word, leaving him completely alone._

_Being alone in complete silence with his moans as the only sound could make anyone go crazy. Jim didn't know how to work through what he was feeling. He wasn't even sure what he was feeling. Was he angry? He was, though he wasn't sure if he was angry at himself or Salean. Was he scared? Even if he didn't want to admit it, he was deathly afraid. He couldn't handle being raped again. Was he ashamed? Yes, every part of him felt ashamed of what just happened. There he was completely naked, covered in bruises, dried blood, and some kind of nasty foul-smelling liquid that Jim didn't want to think about. How could he have let that happen?_

_Jim struggled with his ropes once more before giving up. He felt like nothing as he laid there in a bed that reeked of intercourse. Jim didn't know how a bed could stink so badly. After all of the other times he had sex, the bed never ended up smelling like this. Why was it so strong? The terrible smell made him want to throw up again. He ended up heaving up the little bit of water left in his stomach._

_Just as he wanted to find a way to let himself bleed to death, there was a knock at the door which raised his heartbeat. Was someone here to save him? It couldn't have been Salean as he would have just walked in._

_The knock came again, this time louder. "Kirk!"_

_Jim wanted to answer back, recognizing the voice of a Starfleet Admiral he had met on the planet, but nothing came out when he opened his mouth._

_"Kirk!" he yelled again. "Are you in there?" He knocked even louder._

_Trying to think of something as his voice wasn't working, Jim yanked at his hands in the hopes of banging the headboard against the wall. To his relief, it worked and made a loud bang. He repeated the action four times before the Admiral opened the door and rushed in. It took less than a second for him to spot Jim naked and covered in blood on the bed. Jim's joy at being found was short lived as he noticed the look the look of pity in the Admiral's eyes, and he felt even sicker. He closed his eyes and waited for the restraints to be cut off his limbs._

_*O*O*_

* * *

_*O*O*_

_Jim really didn't know what to do. The letter from Salean was too much for him to handle, and he had to get the hell out of that room. At first, he wondered where he could go, because if Salean or his father could get into his locked room, where else could they get into? For a second, he thought about going to Selek or Spock even though he was pissed at both of them. Salean couldn't get to him if he was with one of them, but his pride and anger kept him away. Then his mind went to Admiral Pike, but he didn't want to bother him anymore. Pike had already insisted that he work with the Dalenians to ensure they sign the treaty. He also didn't want his mentor to see him as weak or crazy. He didn't want to lose his ship._

_There were so many places or people he could have gone to, but he wasn't thinking logically. The room suddenly became very hot, and he felt the air leave his lungs as the room went from feeling blazingly hot to freezing cold. He had to get out and get out right now. In a record time, he made it to the transporter and beamed down to the planet. Without wasting time, he found the closest bar as he needed to drink. Even though he knew he had to stay away from alcohol, he needed to get rid of the negative thoughts that clouded his mind._

_However, the second the bartender put the strangely colored drink in front of him was the second that Jim changed his mind. If he started to drink now, he would keep drinking and he would get drunk; he needed to stay sober. He needed to get his life back together. He wanted that damn ship. No not the Enterprise, the new one, the one where he could start over, the Providence._

_He pushed the glass away and settled for watching the people coming into the bar. His eyes were on each humanoid that walked through the door, looking for the perfect one to try to sleep with. If he couldn't drink, he was going to have sex. He hadn't have sex since he was raped and he would be damned if he allowed that sick fuck to control his life anymore. He was going to have sex, because that was what he did. He had sex and lots of it. Maybe if he could get that back, he could get himself back._

_Spotting a female humanoid with long smooth sexy legs in heels, he approached her. He was a sucker for long legs in heels, and this female was attractive. For a second, he played with the idea of going for the equally attractive male that just entered, but after being raped by Salean, the idea of being with any man scared him. He feared he might be overpowered and didn't want to take that chance._

_Shaking that thought from his mind, he put on the charm and spoke to the woman, who smiled at him. Clearly she found him attractive as well. With a few good comments, he was able to convince her to take him back to her room. Pleased with his work, he was followed her to her apartment._

_His happy feeling didn't last long as the door to her apartment closed behind him. She quickly disappeared as two figures emerged from the darkness, and as the light revealed their faces, Jim's heart stopped. He thought he was going to have a heart attack as Salean and some beastlike thug were staring back at him. Salean had the same disgusting looking on his face that he had the night he raped him._

_Realizing it was a trap, Jim turned to the door to rush out of the room. How could he have been so fucking stupid? He didn't have much time to think about that as the door wouldn't open. Even with the twisting of the locks, the door wouldn't open._

_"James, please relax. I just want to take you home," Salean stated as Jim pulled harder on the door handle._

_Just hearing Salean speak his name sent chills down his spine. Then there was the fact that Salean said 'home'. Jim never wanted to step foot on that planet ever again. "I'm not going anywhere with you!" Jim snapped, turning to them. Not turning his back to Salean again, he glanced around the room looking for anything he could use as a weapon._

_"You are mine," Salean said as he waved his thug forward. "And I will have what is mine."_

_Something in Jim snapped at hearing those words, turning him into something stupid and rash. He was going to fight no matter what, and to Jim's luck, there was a long bat-like item to his right within hand reach. "I would rather die," he yelled as he picked up the wooden stick and waved it at the thug. "I won't come willing."_

_"I hoped it would not turn out this way, James. Is this about seeing that Vulcan?" Salean asked as the thug approached._

_Jim growled, unable to believe that Salean was bringing up Spock. Did that mean that he was watching him all this long? "Jealous?" he asked, snapping._

_"We do not have time for this," Salean stated. "Get him."_

_At that, the thug reached for Jim, who was able to dodge the big hand. Jim swung the bat at him, but the hit didn't have any effect. The thug grabbed the bat right out of Jim's hands and flung it at the wall. Jim didn't wait a second before he swung his fist and made contact, but the hit barely grazed him. The thug reached for Jim, who sent another punch at him._

_The thug's dark eyes locked on Jim for a moment, as if he was surprised that the smaller person had actually tried to hit him. He swung his fist again, but this time, Jim wasn't quick enough, and the larger humanoid grabbed him by the neck, picking him up._

_Jim struggled, kicking and scratching at the thug as he tried to break free. He dug his nails into the thick skin as he was running out of air. Black flecks began to dance into his vision, signaling that he had to do something right now._

_One of his hands dropped to his pocket reaching for a coin he knew he had. Once he took hold of it, he dug it into the thug's eye. The beast cried out and flung Jim hard against the wall, almost knocking him out. He could vaguely hear Salean yelling not to hurt Jim, but the beast was angry at the injury and wasn't listening. He charged at Jim and punched him hard in the gut, knocking the air out of Jim's lungs._

_Jim was sure that the blow had broken one of his ribs as his chest was on fire and each breath seemed to draw in less air. Jim looked up at the thug who was glaring at him, and he knew this wasn't going to end there. He was picked up and thrown again. Jim felt himself becoming nothing more than a rag doll in his hands._

_From Jim's new spot from the ground, he could only look up in horror as the beast approached him again. He felt himself shake as he stepped towards him. He couldn't move, but before the thug could touch him again, Salean jumped between them and started to yell at the thug in his native language. Salean turned back to Jim, who was having a hard breathing._

_"Don't…touch…me," Jim said, barely getting the words out. It was really difficult to breathe and growing harder just to think._

_"It will be fine, James," Salean said, as he pulled something out of his pocket and stabbed Jim in the neck. Jim wasn't sure what was in the evil hypo, but he was out a few seconds later._

*O*O*

* * *

*O*O*

Jim was standing in front of a floor to ceiling window that overlooked Starfleet HQ. From his spot, he could see the Golden Gate Bridge which was still impressive even after all of these years. He focused on the great bridge as it spanned across the water. It was his anchor during these horrible memories, which he never wanted to remember. Yet, even as his part of him wanted to forget everything, he knew he couldn't move on if he didn't face the hell he had gone through. Shaking his head, his eyes left the bridge and drifted to the Starfleet officers below.

"What are you thinking about, Captain Kirk?"

"Nothing," Jim answered, glancing back to his therapist who was sitting on one of the many chairs in the room.

His therapist wasn't human. Even with his wavy orange hair and tail, he could pass for a human in crowd. When Jim first met the therapist, he told Jim his race and birth name, but right now he couldn't remember what he had said at the beginning of the sessions. There were so many letters and symbols that Jim didn't know how to say it back.

"I have heard that before, Captain," Doctor Jones said. As Jim could not pronounce his real name, he had told Jim that he could address him as Doctor Jones. It was part of the dual name that he had adopted.

Jim turned from the window and stepped toward Jones, who was writing something on a datapad. This was Jim's fifth session with the doctor since he had arrived back on Earth, and he hadn't said much to him. He knew he should talk, but he wasn't sure if he could trust him yet, so he barely spoke. Jim knew he had to speak, because these sessions were required for him getting the _Providence._ "I don't know what you want me to say. Just tell me and I will say it."

Dr. Jones looked at him. "There isn't anything specific that I'm looking for. This session isn't for me. It's for you. We can talk about anything you want to talk about."

It wasn't first time Jim had heard that remark from the Doctor, but he wasn't sure if it was true. He wasn't really sure of anything. "Is that so?" Jim asked as he turned back to the window. Instead of going back to the bridge, his safe place, his eyes scanned the ground below.

"Yes."

Jim didn't know what he was looking for on the grounds, but he wasn't expecting to see Spock. Even though they were about ten floors up, he could make out Spock's form from anywhere, and that annoyed him. He didn't want to be able to know it was Spock from so far away. "This view is something else," Jim uttered, unable to take his eyes off his former First Officer, who was talking to someone. Even though McCoy was right, he hadn't seen Spock since he had woken up on the _Enterprise._ There was a part of Jim that wanted to see him, but there was another part that was terrified.

"It is."

"You see everything from here," Jim said, sounding exhausted. As he watched Spock, he felt betrayed, not because he didn't believe him originally, but rather, he had never reached out to him. Why didn't Spock reach out to him? Didn't Spock want to see him? Sure, Jim didn't want to talk to him, but Jim wanted Spock to try or do something. Why wasn't he trying to get him to forgive him? Did he not want to be forgiven?

Though he never wanted to see Uhura again, she made Scotty take her to see Jim, which Chekov wasn't too happy about. He refused to speak to her, and when he had made himself very clear he didn't want to talk, Scotty happily escorted her from the room. Once she was out of sight, his thoughts moved to Spock. He still hadn't tried to visit.

Was this some kind of self-inflicting punishment by the Vulcan? Spock made it almost impossible to be mad at him when he did things like this, and it pissed Jim off. He wanted to stay mad and Spock made that impossible. How could he mad at someone who was punishing himself?

"Who do you see?"

Jim jumped, shocked that Dr. Jones could see him staring at someone. At first, he wanted deny it, but he thought better of it. "My former First Officer."

"Mr. Spock." Jones stated as he put down the datapad on the arm of the chair.

Jim watched and waited for Jones to ask something, but he remained silent. He was waiting for him, not pushing. This doctor hadn't pushed him much, trying to build trust. Maybe, the pushing came later. "He hasn't tried to talk to me," Jim said, deciding to give the doctor a bone.

"Do you want him to talk to you?" Jones asked.

"Maybe, just to yell at him or something," Jim muttered. The last time he had spoken to Spock, he was emotionally compromised, and attacked the Vulcan. He regretted that conversion, even though everything he had said was true. "Though it might be bad, I'm so angry at him."

"Tell me about it," Jones said.

"It's not just him."

"Who are you really mad at?"

Jim took a deep breath as he crossed to the sofa in the room. After sitting down, he reached for a glass of water on the table. Taking a long drink, he carefully put the glass back down on the table. It took another long moment and a deep breath, before he could finally answer. "Myself."

"Why?"

"Is all that you do to help is ask questions?"

"Yup, went to all of those schools just to get a degree in asking questions," Jones teased. His impressive degrees were hanging on the walls behind him. "So why are you angry at yourself?"

Jim didn't answer right away and continued staring at his glass. "It's all my fault," he finally muttered.

"How so?"

That wasn't what Jim expected Jones to say. He expected the Doctor to defend him or tell him that he was wrong, but he didn't. "If I just told Spock the truth when I got back… If I would've told someone, everything would be different. Maybe if I listened to Spock, then…" He had drifted off, too mad at himself.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Put blame on yourself and not where it belongs?"

"And where is that?"

Jones leaned forward. "You tell me."

Jim looked down at his hands knowing what Jones wanted to hear, but he wasn't sure if he could say that. "You want me to say Salean." Even now, saying Salean's name was hard.

"Why don't you want to say it?"

There were many reasons why he didn't want to say it, because it wasn't just Salean's fault. It was his. He should have told someone. If only he had… Jim looked down at hands, trying to hide what he was feeling.

"It's not your fault, Jim, not one bit of it. I think once you realize that you will be ready to speak to your former First Officer."

Jim looked up at the Doctor. He hadn't expected him to say that, but he didn't respond. He wasn't sure what to say, but maybe, this Doctor had a point. He stared at Jones for what seemed like hours, not saying anything.

"Well, our session is over for today, Captain," Jones stated as he got to his feet. His tail swished gently behind him. "I will see you in two days."

Jim followed suit and got to his feet. "Yup," he said. Admiral Pike had him coming to this doctor three days a week as he felt Jim was in great need of it, and after everything that Jim had done, he couldn't fight him on it. The older man did have a point as he did try to kill himself at one point.

"And don't forget, if you ever need to talk outside of our sessions, please contact me."

"I will," Jim stated, though he would never try it. Jones had offered his personal contact information after each session, but Jim didn't want to be a burden and refused to call him.

"I mean it."

"I know."

With that, Jim left, heading toward the construction of the _Providence_ to check on the process. After he had informed Mr. Scott and Chekov about taking them with him on the new ship, they both were depressed at first, not wanting to leave the _Enterprise_. After they got over the shock of it, they both became happy and jumped head first into the construction of the ship. Scotty glued himself to the _Providence,_ overseeing every bit of the build as he couldn't trust anyone with it.

Despite Chekov wanting to spend every minute he could helping Scotty, he ended up spending more time with Captain Kirk, then he did on the build. Jim couldn't help but feel a small bit of happiness as his future Navigator seemed to be glued to his side and acted like a buffer to the world. He even found himself eating and holding food down now that Chekov shared meals with him.

With both of them at his side, Jim felt as if he could really do this, and that brought him more happiness that he hadn't felt in a very long time. If this happiness continued, Jim could see a bright future, and that was something he hadn't seen in a while. Sure, the _Providence_ wasn't his yet, not until Dr. Jones and Admiral Pike cleared him, but he was going to get that ship no matter what. There were still some demons that were haunting him, but with two great friends and a beautiful new ship that would be ready in a year for the stars, he had a reason to fight.


	25. One's Choices

The road to recovery was anything but smooth, as Jim hated to lay around and do nothing. He didn't care if his heart was still weak from the many medical procedures and needed more time to recover; he just couldn't stay in a hospital bed anymore. He didn't like to be stationary, where everyone could bother him, and he was too active to be sitting in a bed for so long. The silence and boredom had been torture, and he would do anything to get away.

The first time he tried to get out of bed, he almost fainted as his heart was still too weak and couldn't take the sudden change. After that, it had taken a few days before his doctors let him try again. He didn't faint, but he wasn't going to run a marathon anytime soon, feeling lightheaded after a few minutes. However, it meant he could leave the hospital and stay in his own San Francisco apartment after Admiral Pike had agreed to let him go on the condition that someone stayed with him during the first few weeks to make sure he was alright.

Admiral Pike wanted a nurse or a Starfleet medical officer, but Jim didn't want that. He didn't want someone watching and waiting for him to faint. He agreed if it was someone else, and without hesitation, Chekov volunteered. It warmed his heart, but he still felt like a child. Yet the young Russian did everything but treat him like a child. He allowed him to try and do things on his own, and didn't let Jim 'bully' him either.

Before Chekov volunteered, Aurelan offered, but Jim wasn't going to let her do that. She had a life and a job that she had to get back to. He wasn't going hold her back any more than he already had, and he could handle this without her. He didn't want to be one of those people who needed to lean on someone. Aurelan, though hesitant, left, but she still checked up on him. His brother had followed her example and went home as well. He only wished his mother would do the same, but she refused. She kept trying to see him. She sent him numerous messages and tried to get others to take her to see him, but he wasn't going to see her. The security guards in his apartment building had let her know several times that she was not welcome. He hoped she would get the picture soon enough.

After he arrived at his apartment, things started to fall into place, though he knew it might never go back to being normal. Jim didn't know what normal really was anymore, but he did know that life did go on, and he had to live it even if he wasn't ready. The meetings with the therapist were difficult and challenging. They made him doubt if he could move on, reliving through his scary memories, but he knew he had to try.

He was starting to go stir crazy as Pike wouldn't give him anything to do. He went from his apartment to therapy to the _Providence_ , which he wasn't permitted to touch, only overlook. It annoyed him that wasn't allowed to do anything that could be remotely physical. It didn't take him long to understand Pike's reasoning as he jumped at any sudden movement, and there had been an instant where he had freaked out when someone stepped too close behind him.

Even with the speed bumps, Jim's body was slowly recovering, though he still couldn't find himself to forgive anyone, including himself. Every time he thought about it, anger rushed through him, as he couldn't understand why they treated him like that. So many questions filled his head, with no clear answers. There were times when he nearly questioned himself into a panic attacks, only creating more worry for Chekov.

At the moment, Jim found himself on one of construction rafters around the _Providence,_ as he stared mindlessly at the ship. The outer core was in the final stages of completion. There were some parts of the ship that only had the framework completed.

"She'll be impressive."

Leaning against the railing, Jim glanced toward Pike before staring down at the ship. "Can't wait," he said. Even from the height, he could see Scotty running around on the ground like a chicken with its head cut off as he wanted to make everything perfect, and not a step behind, there was Chekov. It was an amusing sight. "I can feel the Captain's chair calling me. I can't wait to go on missions again with those two."

"I bet, but I think Mr. Scott and Mr. Chekov will be a handful." Pike said as he stepped next to Jim, eyeing him. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

Jim could feel his exhaustion just standing, but he wasn't going to show it, not in front of Pike who would put him back on bed rest. "I feel fine. My heart is fine, though I can't run from a Klingon attack."

"Planning of running into some Klingons?" Pike asked.

"You never know," he answered.

Pike took a deep breath. "You know there's nothing wrong with taking it easy. It was only two weeks ago that-"

"I know," Jim interrupted. He didn't want to think about Salean and his father and how they almost killed him. He didn't want to think about this former crew, even if his mind went there every few seconds. He just wanted to look forward and forget the past. "I just need to keep busy."

"You need to rest."

"You worry too much. I've been behaving, and I'm surrendered by people if something goes wrong," Jim said, pushing off the railing. "I've been going to my therapy meetings. You can ask Dr. Jones."

"I have," Pike admitted, surprising Jim.

Jim knew Pike had been checking up on him, but it was surprising to hear the older man admit it. "I hope all good things," he said, looking back to Scotty. "If not, did I not pay Jones enough?"

Pike shook his head, laughing. "There's that spirit I love so much," he said, as he patted Jim on the shoulder.

The Admiral didn't answer his question, and Jim wondered if that meant he wasn't doing well. Was he screwing up his therapy, too? Was he that much of a screw up? Taking a deep breath, he spoke, "I try."

"Just take it easy," Pike said, stepping away.

"Not going to force me to bed?" Jim asked surprised.

"Like that would work. When do you listen to me? Almost never. I'll admit that sometimes not listening is why you're great at being Captain," Pike stated. "Besides, I have nothing to worry about. If you overwork yourself, there's a little Russian that will get you." He let out another laugh. "So behave."

Jim laughed as Pike was right. Chekov would have his head if he overworked himself, and despite the fact that his future navigator was younger than him, an angry Chekov was something that scared him. "I will," he promised as Pike stepped away.

Jim watched him disappear before he turned his attention back to Scotty and Chekov, who were now focused on one particular section of the ship. It was quite a sight to watch them work, because he could see how passionate they both were and how hard they were working. It was then that he realized how lucky he was to have to those two as his friends. He would be lost without them.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

"He shouldn't hawe," Chekov said, going off in a Russian rant. Ever since Scotty had brought Uhura to see Jim, he had been ranting in Russian. Since Chekov had been staying with him, he was quickly picking up the language. From what he had already learned, it was enough to make any sailor blush.

Jim laughed. "I think you're angrier than I am." He leaned back in his comfy chair in his apartment as he eyed the chessboard set out in front of them. He had recently started to play the game again, having not played since the last time with Spock. Without his normal partner, playing the game didn't feel right. It still didn't feel right, but he wasn't going to let that get to him. If he couldn't play a simple game of chess, how could he move on?

"She has no wight!" Chekov said, moving his knight forward.

He was correct, but Jim couldn't help wondering why she was the only one. Sure, he had no interest in talking to any of them, but he wanted to see them try. He wanted to see them struggle like he had. "But at least she knows that now," he said, sliding his bishop diagonally to the left and taking one of Chekov's pawns.

Chekov looked up. "I do not think so. She still needs to learn it!"

When Chekov said things like that, it scared Jim, as he knew the Russian meant it when he said it. Chekov was planning something, and he knew it wasn't going to be good. "Chekov, no revenge."

"But Kaptain, they deserwe it," he loudly stated, as he jumped to his feet, bumping into the board.

Jim took a deep breath as he eyed the board. Some of the pieces had been knocked over. "Relax, Chekov," he said. "It's over with. No need to nuke them or anything." He stared at the pieces before picking them back up and setting them back where they should be.

"You have forgiven them, Sir?" the Russian asked as he sat back down.

"I wouldn't say that," Jim answered. He wasn't sure what was going on in his head, but he wasn't blaming them for _everything_. He still wasn't ready to forgive them just yet, but he wasn't going to burn them at the stake either. His anger was dying down, allowing him brief moments of blissful calm.

Chekov looked at him. "What would you say?"

Jim wasn't sure how to answer him. He wasn't going to yell at them, but he wasn't going to be friends with them any time soon. "I say it's time we get out and do something!"

"Okay, Sir, but you can't overdo it again," Chekov said.

"I promise," Jim said, thinking of the time his friend was referring to. It had been a fluke; someone just got too close to Jim without him knowing on a walk and he panicked. The walk was stressful in itself as it was a push on his body, but the panic attack overwhelmed him. His heart raced and he almost snapped on the innocent cadet, who only wanted to say hi to the famous Captain Kirk. He wasn't sure why, but it sent him back to that time with Salean.

Things went downhill fast, because Jim couldn't calm himself, and his heart couldn't keep up. It couldn't pump his blood fast enough for him to get oxygen through his whole body. He had thought he was going to faint as he couldn't breathe. He had hardly moved before he collapsed from the lack of air.

It was nearly an hour before Chekov could get him back to his feet.

"You vetter or Admiral Pike is going to mad at me," Chekov said, snapping Jim out of his thoughts.

"And we can't have that. An angry Pike is never a good thing," Jim admitted as he got to his feet.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

"Are you okay, Captain Kirk?" Dr. Jones asked, looking at Jim's back. Today, the therapist had gone old fashion, having a notepad and pen in his hands.

Jim was at his favorite spot at the window, staring at the water. It was a cloudy, rainy, cold day in San Francisco, and there was hardly anyone outside. To make the day look even gloomier, the wind was blowing harshly. "I'm fine."

Jones eyed him. "Just fine?"

"What's wrong with fine?" Jim asked, glancing at him over his shoulder.

"I know your 'fine', and it never means just fine," Jones stated, not moving from his chair. He rarely moved from his seat after the first session, because any sudden movement frightened Jim. He had learned this after Jim had freaked out during the first session, when Jones had gotten up to get a hard copy of a book that he wanted Jim to read. Jim fainted due to his weak heart, and the session became a huge step back.

Jim took a deep breath as he turned back from the window. "I'm just thinking."

"Well this is the perfect place to think," Jones stated.

"I guess." He took a deep breath. "I don't know what to think really."

Jones eyed Jim as he paced back and forth from the sofa to the window. "Just say whatever is in your head. You don't need to worry about anything that's said here."

Jim glanced at him. "Yea, right. I know you have been updating Pike." He knew why and the importance of updating Admiral Pike, but he couldn't help but see it as a betrayal. Could he be sure that anything he said wasn't retold to someone else? He didn't want Pike to know what was going through mind.

"Yes, I do report back to Admiral Pike, but I don't discuss what is said. I will never repeat anything to him. Just how you are doing, and if I have cleared you for duty," Jones said, sitting completely still.

"That's it?" Jim asked, eyeing Jones for any sign that he was lying. He didn't see any, but that didn't mean anything. Selek had promised that he would never tell Spock and he did. Spock had promised that he would never hurt him and he did. McCoy had promised that he would be there no matter what and he wasn't. He wasn't sure if he could trust anyone with what they said. Yet if he continued to do that, would he ever move on? Would he ever get the _Providence_ if he didn't learn to trust people? He wanted that ship more than anything else, and if it took learning to trust people again, he was going to try.

"It is."

Jim took a deep breath as he stepped to the sofa across from Jones and took a seat. He didn't say anything at first and stared at his hands. "I feel like I don't know myself…like I'm a stranger in my own skin," he said, after a few seconds. "The man I'm now isn't the man I want to be. I'm just pretending to be okay, when I'm not… I hate myself."

"What have you become that you hate yourself?" Jones asked, putting the pad down into his lap.

"I hate being weak. I can't even walk a few meters without being totally exhausted."

"You won't always be like that. You heart just needs time to heal, and when it does, you'll be back to your normal activities," Jones said.

Jim snorted. "What is normal?"

"Hey, asking questions is my job," Jones replied with a smile. "…So what's normal to you? What do you think normal is?"

That made the Captain laugh a bit, but he had to think about it. "I hate that I flinch every time someone is around me. I freaked out when this young Cadet approached me, which sent Chekov into mother hen mode, and trust me, it's not fun."

"When was this?"

Jim hadn't told the doctor about his panic attack, because he didn't want to be that person who had breakdowns. He desperately wanted to be himself again. "A few days ago, I was out for a walk with Chekov, when I had a full out panic attack. I couldn't breathe or do anything."

"Why didn't you contact me?"

"Because I didn't want to be weak," Jim said. "I don't want to be that person who can't do anything."

"There's nothing wrong with asking for help."

"I know!" Jim snapped, jumping to his feet and crossing to the window. It had started to pour outside, and Jim couldn't see the Golden State Bridge in the rain. "I just hate it, and I hate myself that I can't do anything about it."

"Kirk," Jones called, still not moving. "Why do you hate asking for help?"

Jim despised these questions, because he didn't want to answer them. "I don't want to rely on people…" He paused to take a huge breath. "…You won't tell anyone?" he asked, not looking back at Jones.

Jones could see the tension in Jim's shoulders as he exhaled. "No, I won't."

"…If I rely on someone, I'll just be hurt again, and I won't let that happen."

"This is about your crew?"

Jim leaned forward and rested his head against the cold glass. "Yes. I relied on my First Officer and my Chief Medical Officer and look where it got me. Nowhere!" He took a deep breath.

"Do you wish to talk about your relationship with them?"

"No… maybe… I don't know," Jim said, thinking about it. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say about them. He wasn't sure what stood between them. "I just want to trust again."

"Do you trust anyone?" Jones asked.

There were a few people who came to mind: Chekov, Scotty, and Pike, even with him pulling that stunt with his 'resignation', but he wasn't sure if he really trusted them. He half expected them to leave, but at the same time, he knew he could count on them. He then thought about Sarek, the Vulcan who had protected his secret from everyone. "I don't know."

"What about the Ensign who is staying with you?"

"I guess," he said, thinking about everything that Russian had done for him.

"You guess?"

"No, I do," Jim said with a deep exhale. "Chekov has been there for me through everything. I know I can count on him, and that is refreshing, but I still feel…" He drifted off, unable to finish his sentence.

"Feel what?"

Jim took another deep breath. "Unsure. I feel like I can't trust myself, as I made one dumb decision after another. I find myself wondering if I'm doing that now. I did that on the _Enterprise_ , which is why I left."

"Are you starting to doubt you'll take the _Providence_?" Jones asked. His tail swung behind in a slow motion.

Jim took a deep as he pushed away from the glass and turned to Jones. "No, that's the one thing I'm clear on…well… maybe a little. I find myself doubting if I'm ready and if I should take the ship. If I'm the right person to command it. If I hate the person I am now, how can I lead a ship?"

Jones picked up his pad and lean forward a little, making sure not to make any sudden movements. "You just came out of a horrible experience. You can't use that to judge your life."

Taking a deep breath, Jim walked over to the sofa and sat down again. "I know." He knew what he should do, but he couldn't bring himself to do any of those things.

"Do you? You're stronger than you think. Just look at everything that you've been through, and how much strength it took to survive."

"Yes, I know."

"Good." The doctor watched Kirk for a few minutes as he glanced down at his balled hands. "Is that all?"

At first, Jim took that as an insult, because it sounded like the doctor thought there would be something more. As he thought more about it, he knew Jones didn't mean it as an insult, because he knew there was more. He was just reading him. "I wonder about my decision about not talking to my crew… well more specifically Spock."

"Why is that? Do you want to forgive them?"

"I don't know," Jim admitted. He didn't know what he wanted to do, and he wondered why the Vulcan hadn't tried to see him. Didn't he care enough to see him? Sure, Spock did some horrible things, but why did he just give up? Was he too damaged for him? "I think I have things left to say. I don't think I can move on until I do."

"Then why not see him? Afraid of what you might say?"

Jim leaned back in the seat. "I don't trust myself. I'm not sure if I'll yell at him, or what's going to happen if I see him. I don't want him back, but I have these feelings in my head." He took a deep breath. "There's a part of me that wonders if we can go back to what we were, now that he knows the truth." He hated that he felt that way. The Vulcan had betrayed him on every level, and yet he still loved him? Oh, god, he was pathetic.

"Do you think that's possible after everything that happened?" Jones asked.

Jim knew the answer to that question, despite not wanting to know. "No, it's not, but it doesn't mean I don't want it. I want that, but I know I can't and I hate them for taking that away from me… I hate them for making me hate them." He got to his feet and crossed back to the window again. "They have no idea what they did to me."

Jones glanced toward Jim, who looked totally defeated. "Did you tell them?"

He twisted on a dime and glared. "No, I didn't. What part of I don't trust myself do you not understand? If I talk to them, I might say something I'll regret. I'm supposed to be getting past this, not moving backward." He hated what Salean had done to him, and how it had affected every part of his life.

"If you like, I can invite one of them here, and we can talk together," Jones offered.

"You would do that?"

"Only of you want to."

"And what would you do?" Jim asked, not sure of the idea.

"You said you don't trust yourself, so I'm here to support you and help you remember what you want to remember," Jones said.

That was something, but Jim still wasn't sure it would work. On one hand, he wanted to see Spock to talk to him, though he wasn't sure what he would say, but on the other hand, he never wanted to see the bastard again. He betrayed him without a second thought and put him through hell. He wanted to yell at him. "I doubt he would agree to see me," Jim mumbled. Spock hadn't even tried to see him once, so why would he come to a therapy session with him?

Jones smiled lightly. "How would you know if you don't try?"

He really didn't want to know. A no would hurt more than not knowing. "Can I think about it?"

"Sure, but do you want me to ask him first before you make up your mind? That way we can know right away and not waste any time thinking about it."

There were so many things running though his mind that he wasn't sure what he wanted, but Jones might be right. Jim nodded as he got to his feet. "Okay." He paused. "I think I'm going to go now."

"Very well."

Jim couldn't get out of the place fast enough. He had to get away to think.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Staying away from Jim was the hardest thing Spock ever had to do, but he deserved nothing else. He had betrayed him on every level, and he didn't have a right to see him or talk to him. Yet, it was extremely difficult because he never wanted to leave Jim's side after what happened; he wanted to protect him from everything. There had been a few times that he had seen Jim off in the distance, and it tested Spock every time. Every fiber in him wanted to run up to his former lover, throw himself at his feet, and beg for forgiveness. He wanted to kiss away the broken look, but at least, he was able to tell that Jim was eating and walking well, and that was all he deserved to know.

"Is everything alright, Commander?" A red shirted Ensign asked from behind the transporter control panel.

Spock stepped off the transporter pad and toward the door. "Why would it not be, Ensign?" he asked, leaving before he could get an answer. He was not in the mood for pointless conversions.

He had just transported back from the _Enterprise,_ where he had been completing a system check. He had been put in charge of the ship on a temporary basis as Captain Pitts had stepped down to retire. At first, Spock had wondered why Pitts had taken the captaincy if he was going to retire, but it didn't take much thought for him to realize why Admiral Pike and Captain Pitts had done so. It was for Jim. It seemed everyone had been behind Jim besides him and that thought weighed heavily on him.

With Chekov and Mr. Scott gone, Spock had to take on more tasks on the ship as their positions hadn't been replaced yet, and they wouldn't be replaced until there was a new captain. There hadn't been any talk about a new captain for the _Enterprise_ yet, though there might have been and he hadn't been informed. Pike hadn't been talking to him much since they had docked at the space port. However, he wasn't even sure if he would be the First Officer of the _Enterprise_ , because when the new captain was chosen, he or she would select the First Officer. Who would want to pick him?

Though he knew everyone was replaceable, he had to admit to himself that losing Chekov and Scott to the _Providence_ was a major setback, as they were the best at what they did. There was no match to the combined geniuses of Commander Scott and Ensign Chekov, and Spock had begun to learn that as he looked at everything they were working on before they were transferred. Losing them created more work that he would need to complete until they were replaced. The extra work was welcomed as it distracted him from thinking about Jim, and his jealousy of Chekov and Scott, who would be at Jim's side.

When he made it to the entrance of the building, he watched the rain pour down, nailing everything in its path. It was a chilly day and he had to wear a thicker thermo shirt to keep him warm in the sudden drop in temperature. The cold had chased more people from the grounds, sending them inside to keep warm. When the Vulcan had transported up to the ship, the temperature had been vastly different, and he didn't bring an umbrella or a raincoat. He didn't want to go back and ask for a spare. He stepped out into the cold rain.

Spock had become completely soaked within minutes and was shivering soon after, but he couldn't bring himself to care. His health meant nothing after the hell that Jim had gone through. Did he worry about Jim's declining health? He did, but he didn't do anything about it and he let him suffer as he thought about taking the _Enterprise_ from him. So why should he care about his own health?

On his walk to his Starfleet issued apartment, Spock had run into very little people as no one wanted to be out in this storm, and it took him less time than normal to get home on the uncrowded streets. However, the silence just made it worse, as his mind tended to be worse than the words of the world.

His feet squished as he walked up the stairs to his apartment, and his clothes felt heavier, weighing him down slightly. It wasn't anything he couldn't handle, but it was an awkward experience as the clothes clung to his skin, affecting his movements. He didn't have much farther to go as he walked down the hallway to his quarters.

As he arrived at his door, he noticed Uhura leaning against his doorway. She didn't notice him at first as he took a few minutes to look her over. He could tell, even from the distance, she was just as tired and exhausted as he looked, but he knew she wasn't as destroyed as he had become. He had betrayed his beloved, his T'hy'la, and left him to suffer. There were no words to describe how he felt at the moment, because his soul was in pure, undying pain. Yet as he took in her strained look, he could not overlook Uhura's pain. "Lt. Uhura," Spock said, announcing himself as he stepped closer to her.

Her head popped up, and her eyes buried into him. "Spock!" she yelled, as she closed the distance between them. "You're soaked!" She reached toward him, but she stopped when she noticed his intense stare.

Spock walked passed her. He wasn't in the mood to speak to her today or any day, as there was a part of him that blamed her for Jim's treatment on the _Enterprise,_ even if she wasn't totally to blame. "I am fine, Nyota," he said, stepping toward his door.

"You can't go on like this," she said, turning to him. "You're going to get sick if you keep this up. Kirk wouldn't want that."

His hand froze just before it hit the control panel as he thought about what she said. "You have no idea of what he would want," he countered after a few seconds of silence. He placed his hand on the panel. There was a moment before the scanner chirped in response and the door opened.

Before he could close the door, Uhura barged in behind him. "Why don't you ask him then?" she asked.

Spock glanced back at her before he walked toward the bathroom of his tiny apartment. As he was a commander, his rank allowed him to have a larger apartment, but he did not see the need in that. He just needed a kitchen, bathroom, and a bed, and the tiny apartment he was finally issued met those needs. "I do not wish to speak about this." _With you,_ remained unsaid.

"Spock!" she yelled, annoyance seeping from her voice. "You can't go on like this. You're going to get sick and waste away." He eyed his wet footprints as she watched him step away.

He glanced back at her before stepping into the bathroom to grab a towel to dry himself with. "I will not-as you say- waste away, Nyota."

"Talk to Kirk."

"I will not," Spock said, pulling off his soaked blue science tunic and setting it down in the sink to dry.

Uhura sighed angry. "You're being ridiculous. You need to stop moping and go get Kirk."

He had grown tired of these conversions with her, because she was failing to understand why he could not attempt to contact Jim. She was too naïve to understand what he had done to Jim, or perhaps too stubborn to see just how badly he had been hurt. "I do not mope, and Jim is not an object to obtain," he answered.

"What do you call this?" she snapped. "It's moping! Grow some and go talk to him."

"You will forgive me if I do not take your advice," Spock said, stopping his annoyance from seeping through. "I have learned from that error in judgment." He held the towel tightly, trying to control his emotions.

Uhura stepped back as if she had been slapped. "…Spock." She paused as she took a deep breath. "I know I made a mistake, but I'm right this time. You can't sit back and do nothing. You'll lose him if you do."

"I have already lost him," Spock said, not shifting to removing any more of his wet clothing. Just the act of removing his blue tunic in front of Uhura made him feel exposed. "If you may, please leave."

She nervously fumbled with her hands. "I went to see Kirk a few days ago."

He froze in his spot. "You went to see Jim?" he asked. How dare she go see him? Neither of them had any right to see him. Her presence would only serve to hurt Jim, and he couldn't allow that.

"Yes. It didn't end well, and now Chekov wants to kill me, but I tried. You need to try," she said, pleading with him.

"If he wishes to see me, he will ask for me." And he never expected for Jim to ask him.

"He a-" Uhura started but was interrupted by the sound of the chime from the door communicator.

Spock glanced at her before he crossed to the door. His shoes still squished as he walked, and his dripping soaked clothes were glued to his body. He opened the door to reveal what first appeared to be a human with bright orange hair, but then Spock noticed his tail.

"May I help you?" Spock asked.

Spoke looked and saw the stranger had an old fashion briefcase in his left hand and a dripping wet umbrella in the right. On his face was a smile, and his posture was friendly and relaxed. "Good evening," he said. "My name's Dr. Jones. I would shake your hand, but I know that Vulcans don't like to touch hands."

Spock stared at him, not sure what to make of the humanoid. "I do not mean to be rude, but what is the purpose of this visit, Doctor Jones?" He wondered briefly why there was a doctor at his door, and tried to dismiss it. He had other things on his mind, and Uhura was still in his apartment, watching him.

"May I come in?" Jones asked. "It's important."

There was a brief hesitation before he spoke. "You may," Spock stated, moving to allow him in. After the Doctor walked in, Spock closed the door behind him, but he didn't move from his spot. "What do you wish to speak about?"

After setting down his umbrella by the door, Dr. Jones stopped in the middle of the room, still holding his briefcase in his hand. "Oh, hi. The name is Jones," he said, holding out his hand to Uhura, as he noticed her.

"Lt. Uhura," she said, taking it. "Nice to meet you."

"Oh, I heard of you," Jones said smiling.

Uhura looked at him shock. "Heard of me?" she asked, eyeing him.

"Captain Kirk-" Jones started but interrupted himself with his own hand. "Never mind. I came to speak to Commander Spock."

Jim's name sent Spock's mind into overdrive. How did this doctor know Jim? "How do you know Captain Kirk?" he asked, his own voice betraying him.

Jones waved him off. "That's not important. I-"

"What's this about?" Uhura asked, cutting him off as she crossed to him.

The doctor looked at her before glancing to a wet Spock. "You know you'll get sick if you stay in those wet clothes, right?"

There was something about him that Spock found odd. He was bouncing slightly on his feet. "I am aware. What do you wish to speak with me about?" he asked, redirecting him to the topic.

Jones smiled again before speaking. "…It isn't definite, but Commander Spock, would you agree to have a mediation session in my office with Captain Kirk?"

"What?" Spock uttered. For a moment it was as if Dr. Jones was speaking in a foreign tongue that he didn't recognize. Did he just invite him to speak with Jim? Why would he do that?

"Yes!" Uhura yelled, stepping even closer to the doctor. "Spock would love to do this session with Kirk."

Spock turned to Uhura, still shocked as to what was going on. "I do not understand. What are you inviting me to? And is Captain Kirk aware of your request? I do not think he would approve."

Jones glanced at Uhura again before looking at Spock. "There's much he wants to say, but he's a little hesitant. I'm here to help him find a way to say it. So will you agree to have a session with him if he wishes to have one?"

"Who are you?" Spock asked, trying to figure out his identity.

"Just a mediator," Jones stated.

"He does not trust me?" Spock asked, shocked though he knew he had no right to be. Why would Jim trust them after everything that had happened? And what did this doctor mean when he said he was a mediator?

Dr. Jones stepped away from Uhura and crossed to the door. "That is a tricky question, my friend."

"I am not your friend," Spock replied, coldly.

Jones shrugged. "Just a saying. So is that a yes?" he asked again, picking up his umbrella. He stood a few feet from Spock, studying him.

"It's a yes," Uhura said, almost tripping over herself as she crossed to them.

Jones looked at her before turning back to Spock. "Does she speak for you?"

Spock glanced at Uhura, annoyed at her for thinking she had a right to speak for him. Even when they were together, he never liked that she spoke for him. How did she think she knew what he was thinking or what he would pick? She couldn't, so why would she speak for him? There was only person he didn't mind speaking for him and that was Jim, as he seemed to have a sixth sense for what he was thinking, and he wanted to please Jim, to make him happy. "She does not speak for me."

Jones' face fell. "So you do not want to do it?" he asked.

"I did not say that. I merely stated that Lt. Uhura does not speak for me," he said, as he didn't want Jones to get the wrong impression. He wanted to speak to Jim, but not in front of this stranger. It was a private matter between himself and his former lover. However, he would take whatever he could get. If Jim wanted to speak to him like this, he would. He wasn't sure what would become of the conversation, but if Jim knew he was sorry, that was all he could ask for. "If Jim wishes to speak to me, I will."

"Good. I'll let you know when Kirk is ready, and we'll set up a time," Jones stated, as he opened the door.

"Very well," Spock responded as Jones exited the apartment and the closed the door behind him. Though he did not know who this Dr. Jones was or his motives, he felt something bubble up inside of him. He felt almost joyous at the thought of seeing Jim, his beloved, though he had no clue if this was what he thought it would be. He knew he shouldn't expect anything but Jim's anger, yet he couldn't help feeling joy no matter how illogical it was to feel that emotion.

Uhura watched him as he stepped away from the door and crossed to the other side of the room. "Spock. This is great. I know you won't be alone with Jim, but at least, you get to speak to him."

"If you may, please leave." He wanted to think and change out of his wet clothes as he didn't want to get sick, when he had a chance to see Jim.

"Spock," she said, her voice becoming soft.

"You do not speak for me, and I would appreciate if you do not in the future."

"Spock," she repeated.

"Please leave."

She took a deep breath as she turned to the door. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep. I-"

"Apologizes are illogical," he said, his back to her.

Uhura took a deep breath. "Okay," she said as she opened the door. She lingered in the doorway for a second before she turned to leave. "Just take care of yourself."

He waited until he heard the door close before he turned back and stared at the door for a few minutes. He allowed himself a very human sigh before stripping out of his wet clothes.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Once again, Jim found himself staring at the _Providence_ , as he was thinking about what Dr. Jones had said. He wanted to talk to Spock, so why he so hesitant? There was still one small part of him that still loved the Vulcan, but at the same time he was angry at his betrayal and didn't want to see him. _But how can you forgive and move on if you don't?_ He asked himself. Why did everything have to be so difficult?

"Are you okay, Sir?"

Jim pushed himself up from the railing, fighting to keep his breath. "I'm fine, Scotty," he said, looking at the Scottish man heading toward him.

"Not overworkin' yourself?" he asked, when he arrived at Jim's side. Even with the PADD at his side, hidden by his arm, the _Providence's_ blue printswere visible on its screen.

"This ship relaxes me," Jim admitted, and it was the truth. The thought of going back into space was the most peaceful one he had in very long time.

Scotty smiled. "I completely understand, Sir."

"So where is Chekov?" he asked. Usually he never had to ask where the Russian was as the man rarely left his side, and if he did, he was with Mr. Scott.

"He's down there. He's running a basic analysis on the engines."

"So she can fly?"

Scotty stepped toward the railing. "We haven't tested the main engines yet, since she her bridge hasn't been built, but yes, she is capable of flyin'," he said with a huge smile.

"I can't wait," Jim said. The thought was truly amazing, and he couldn't wait to be back out in space.

"Neither can I, Sir," Scotty said. "Do you want to go and have a drink to celebrate?" he asked. "We can bring the kid."

A drink? Even now, Jim longed for a drink, but he knew if he started he wouldn't stop. Maybe, down the road when he wasn't so weak and self-destructive, he could have a drink… Maybe. "I don't drink anymore." He didn't want to go to a bar so he wouldn't be tempted.

"Oh," Scotty said, his expression fell. "I forgot. I'm sorry." He paused. "…We can do something else? I know a great place that serves up some of the best non-replicated food in San Francisco."

"Sounds like a great idea."

Scotty smiled again. "Good. I just had a few things to finish up. Then we can head out and listen to how the Russians invented everythin'."

"Maybe, they had, my friend," Jim joked as he watched Scotty leave.

Once Jim was alone again, he pulled out his communicator to call Dr. Jones. Talking to Scotty had him thinking about everything, including his future. He thought about what Jones had said in their last session. It also made him realize that even if his choices were wrong, he needed to start making some, and trust himself to make the right ones. It was his decision on taking the _Providence_ that made him realize that. Just that one choice alone had turned his outlook around.

Jim flipped open the communicator and dialed Dr. Jones. His voice came through almost immediately as the doctor answered. "Kirk, are you alright?" he asked, sounding worried.

"Yes, I'm fine. You worry just like McCoy," Jim said, stumbling over his former best friend. His mind went back to their last conversion. He did need to forgive himself first before he forgave anyone else. He still didn't know if he could but was willing to try.

There was a pause before Jones responded. "Well, we doctors worry. It's in our job description."

"For good reason I know. I know I'm a handful."

"Yes, you are, Captain. Such a pain in the ass, really."

"Hey!" Jim laughed at Jones' playful tone. "Anyways," he said, trying to control his laugher. "I have made a decision about Spock."

"Have you now?"

Jim glanced down at the communicator as he held it out in front of him. "I have." If Jim wanted to recover, he needed to start making choices. He needed to stop doubting himself.

"Very well, what is it?"


	26. The Power of One's Doubts

Doctor McCoy had been keeping a close eye on Commander Spock ever since they arrived back on Earth. Not for Uhura, who was worried and asked him to try and talk to him. He didn't keep an eye on the Vulcan because of his own worry, nor for the fact that the First Officer's was now temporarily in charge of the _Enterprise_. He kept an eye on Spock because of Jim. Though his former friend had not asked him to do that, he routinely checked in and evaluated Spock's health.

Even if the stubborn Captain would not admit it, he still cared about his former lover to the point that it hurt, and McCoy understood this all too well. His divorce had been a hellish experience and even now he still despised his ex-wife, but he still managed to care a little bit about her for the sake of their daughter. With him being off planet, there needed to be a stable presence in her life and take care of her until he was able to return. It brought some comfort knowing that his daughter was okay. Now, McCoy wanted to do the same for Jim, even if he didn't like the Vulcan.

With a deep breath, McCoy knew that was not right. Though he would never admit it out loud, he did like Spock. If the Commander ever found out, he would never hear the end of it. So whenever he saw the First Officer, he assured him that he was concerned as a doctor, even though inwardly he was worried as a friend.

Leonard had never seen Spock like this, even during _those_ months where he thought Jim had betrayed him. During that time, the Vulcan, who would never admit to having any emotions, had this anger keeping him going. Only now, that anger was gone, replaced with sadness and guilt. The doctor knew how overwhelming those emotions could be. After all these months, it was only now that he could function without a constant feeling of overwhelming guilt. The reverse had happened for Spock, and the betrayal by his own actions was crushing him.

When the Doctor spotted the Commander walking toward the transporter, McCoy could see that something was different with the Vulcan. There were no outward changes in his appearance. His posture was still rigid, and his pace was steady. He was the still the same stoic hobgoblin, but there was something different. If he had to guess, he would say that he almost seemed happy.

McCoy made his way over to Spock as quickly as possible, wanting to intercept the Vulcan before he beamed aboard the _Enterprise_ for the daily scan. "Spock," he yelled when he got close.

The Commander stopped and turned around as he heard his name called. "Doctor McCoy," he said, spotting McCoy running to him. "Do you require my assistance with something?" he asked, when McCoy arrived at his side.

"You seem to be eating now," McCoy answered.

"Eating is necessary for survival, Doctor, which I thought you were aware of as a physician," Spock replied in his monotone voice.

Insulted at first, the doctor took a deep, calming breath. "That would be funny if you were eating, but M'Benga and I have been checking on your food intake and we know you are barely eating."

Spock looked at him, almost shocked. "I was not aware that you were both keeping such a close observation on my health," he said, standing perfectly still. "Is there a reason for your intrusion?"

"You're barely consuming enough to keep yourself awake," McCoy said. "And since you are my commanding officer, it's my job to make sure you're healthy." He inwardly laughed as he thought about how he babied Jim, and how Spock would react if he started to do the same with him.

"I am fine."

"You know how I never believe Jim when he says that? Well, I don't believe you either. In fact, I believe you even less," McCoy said, eyeing Spock. He did look thinner, though it seemed like he had started to take care of himself again. His hair was back in its usual cut and his uniform was perfect.

Spock glanced at McCoy before he turned away. "I do not have time for this. If that is all you require, I am needed on the _Enterprise_."

McCoy sighed. "You can talk to me. You know that, right?" he said, as he rubbed his nose in annoyance. "We're in this together." Turning back, the Vulcan glared at him, unnerving the doctor. "You know I'm not speaking a foreign language. You can say something."

"Even though Vulcans are raised to understand both the Vulcan language and the Federation Standard of English, I consider Vulcan my native language, and English is foreign to me," he coldly replied.

Leonard felt his eye twitch as Spock had become more distant than ever, and that was saying something as the Vulcan had always been cold and distant. Even with the change, the doctor could tell something was different. There was something else. "What's going on?"

There was a long pause before Spock answered. "Jim… asked to see me."

For a second, McCoy wondered why Spock wouldn't tell him that, only to have jealousy grow inside of him. Why didn't Jim ask to see him? _He already saw you,_ his voice of reason said. _Was this how Spock felt when M'Benga told me that Jim wanted to see me?_ Shaking his head, he snapped back to Spock and why he was so hesitant to tell him. "So that's why you didn't say anything?" he asked, putting on a smile.

Spock was eyeing him again. "I did not think it was important."

"Not important? It is! This is good news," McCoy said, trying to get some kind of reaction from the Vulcan.

"I do not see why it matters to you."

McCoy was surprised at how cold the Vulcan had become. What was going on with him? "Are you worried about what Jim is going to say?" He remembered how much he ached to see Jim while he allowed Dr. M'Benga to treat him. When Jim finally requested to see him specifically he was both worried and relieved. It didn't go like he had planned. Jim still wouldn't look at him as his best friend, but at least they were talking. "It'll be fine, even if you don't like what is said. It'll help you both to move on."

"I do not wish to move on," he said sharply, turning it away.

With a deep breath, McCoy knew where Spock was going, but he had to understand that it wasn't possible. "You may not have a choice."

"I am aware of that, Doctor." He stared at McCoy for a while before he spoke again. "And that is something I will have to live with the rest of my life."

There it was, hidden beneath layers of Vulcan teachings. At first, McCoy thought he might but wrong, but an instant later, realized it was very real. He could see the sadness in Spock's eyes. He had to admit to himself that hurt to see it. "Yes, but you need to take care of yourself, even if Jim doesn't want to see you. You can't live your life waiting for him to forgive you." As McCoy spoke, he wished he could take his own advice.

Spock turned to him and stared him down with his Vulcan glare. "I am better aware of my emotions then you are, Dr. McCoy," he said. "Why do you not listen to your own words?"

With another deep breath, McCoy wondered why he bothered trying, because it was clear Spock didn't want his help. He just wanted to drown in his sadness, like McCoy wanted to do until he finally realized he couldn't. He knew he had to move on and try to regain his normal life even if it could never be as it had been. He just hoped that with time Jim would forgive him and they could talk again, because he couldn't deal with the silence.

Setting his emotions aside allowed him to realize one thing. Jim was going to need more than just the _Providence's_ CMO looking out for him. With his record of being injured on missions and having many known and unknown allergies, McCoy had started to plan how he was going to be a silent watcher. Jim was going to have a second CMO looking out for him.

It was in that instant that he thought about his daughter, Joanne, who had been bugging him about the silence between Jim (whom she had dubbed her favorite uncle) and him. She had no idea why they were fighting. "If you want to waste away, then do it."

"I do not need your permission. In case you have forgotten, Doctor, I am your Commanding Officer."

He knew he shouldn't get angry at Spock, knowing he was going through emotional hell, but there was only so much he could take. "You know it's a little hard to forget," he replied, turning away from Spock. "If you want to be an idiot, so be it."

"One cannot-"

"I know you know what that means!" McCoy snapped as he stepped away. He had begun to wonder why the hell he even tried. It was pointless before, but now, it was beyond pointless as Spock was in a place where he didn't want to be helped. He had surrounded himself in his Vulcan stoicism, wanting to burn instead. It did worry the doctor, but there was only so much he could do. Spock was the only person who could save himself, even if it was only for Jim.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Ever since Jim had agreed to meet with Spock, his mind had been in overdrive, wondering if it was a good idea. He knew he should meet with his former First Officer, because he needed to finally tell him how he was feeling so he could move forward. Yet, every time Spock's face entered his mind, his weak heart raced just thinking about it. How could he say what he wanted to say when he couldn't even be in the same room with the Vulcan? And what did that say about himself?

Shaking his head, Jim pushed off the railing that overlooked the _Providence_ and spared Chekov and Scotty a glance before he stepped away. Though he knew he was going to get an earful from his navigator, he needed to get away from everything for a little while so he could think. He wasn't going to change his mind about seeing Spock, but he had to think a few things over. What was he going to say? What was he going to do when he finally met the one that had for a brief period of time, become everything to him?

After sneaking away, Jim found himself sitting on a platform under the Golden Gate Bridge, staring out into the bay. The cool breeze from the water blew through his hair, making him briefly shiver. His feet dangled below him, inches above the water, as his thoughts plagued him. There were so many things in his head that he wanted to say, and he wasn't sure exactly what to say or if he could say them. There were things he wanted to say to Salean and Seleen, who were both in a Starfleet holding cell, but the thought of seeing them again nearly took his breath away. He could feel the nausea rising in his throat. How could he move on if just thinking about those monsters made him weak?

Taking a deep breath, Jim stared off into the distance with his hand blocking the sun from his eyes. The waves crashed violently against the bay. Birds chirped above his head, and faint sounds of the city echoed in his ears. His hair and loose articles of clothing flapped gently in the breeze as the wind blew lightly. Jim remained like this, bathing in the sun for what seemed like hours, soaking in the peace that came from the water. It wasn't until he heard footsteps behind him that he moved. It was hard to suppress his flinch.

"Jim."

With a sigh, Jim looked over his shoulders to see Selek, who he hadn't spoken to in a very long time. The last time they had spoken was when he first saw Spock and blew up at them both. Selek had betrayed him, although not as badly as the _Enterprise_ crewhad done, but it was still another betrayal. Jim didn't want to speak to him. Maybe if he ignored the old Vulcan, he would go away.

"Jim," Selek called again as he walked slowly to the young man and took a seat next to him.

Jim felt himself trembling. He forced himself to face forward. He refused to look at Selek as it would only encourage him, and Jim didn't want to talk.

Selek sat a foot away from him and made no movement closer. He turned to him, eyeing the side of his face. "Please, do not isolate yourself from me. I do not think my old heart could take it," he softly begged.

Anger rose up in Jim as he listened to the Vulcan elder. How could he expect anything from him, when he revealed everything to Spock? How could he trust him again? "Why should I talk to you? You're just going to tell Spock," he coldly replied.

He wasn't sure if his silence might have changed the outcome of what happened. After all, in the end it did save his life. Maybe, Spock wouldn't have tried so hard if he didn't know the truth. As he really thought about it, he remembered the angry conversation he had with Uhura. He had revealed his terrible ordeal to her in order to get her to shut up, and it could have easily been her. It didn't matter though, Selek still told him.

The old Vulcan didn't reply right away, and it took a few minutes for him to speak. "Although I did not want nor desire to betray your trust, I could not allow you to be hurt, even by your own hand," he replied. "I am sorry nonetheless."

Though Jim didn't want to hear apologies, it meant something to hear it from Selek. However at the same time, it almost felt like an insult. "Why does everyone think I can't take care of myself?" he asked, annoyed. It seemed like everyone expected him to fail.

Selek looked at him, a soft expression in his old eyes. "No one believes that. You mistake our worry for doubt. You are one of the strongest humans I know, and there is nothing that you cannot do." He paused for a moment. "I have been a fool, Jim, but I thought I was doing what was best. Seeing your mind so dull and lifeless was just too much for me to witness, and I could not bear it any longer."

Why did everyone think they knew what was best for him? Why did everyone… With a deep breath and a shake of the head, Jim tried to stop thinking that the universe was against him. Not everyone he met wanted to hurt him, and help wasn't a sign of weakness, even if it felt like it. He had to remind himself on a daily basis that help just meant that someone cared. It took everything he had to see that Selek was just trying to help, though seeing the pain etched in Selek's face made it hard to overlook. "Dull and lifeless?" he asked.

Selek watched as Jim slowly breathed in and out and briefly feared he was going to have a panic attack. "Jim, no matter what life you live, you are gifted with a bright mind and I could not let that die. You are just as much a Captain as my Jim had been, maybe more. You need to believe that." His hands twitched in his lap as if he wanted to reach out and offer a comforting touch. "You mean so much to lot of individuals, Jim." He paused for a few seconds to catch his own breath. "Again, I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you by my actions. I am a foolish old man."

"I know you didn't mean to," he said, letting out a sigh. Jim held back his own smile as it really did light up his heart to hear Selek say that. "And I thought apologies were illogical?"

Selek gave a small smile as he looked over Jim, who had relaxed slightly. However, there was still a little tension in his shoulders. "Maybe to a Vulcan, but not from one friend to another. Jim, I am your friend, and I have made an error before," he replied.

"Which time? When you told Spock the truth? Or when you told Pike I wasn't ready for the _Providence_ ," he asked, still trying to hold back his anger.

"It is hard sometimes not to help or give Spock words of advice as he is my younger counterpart." He paused for a few seconds as he watched the anger build up in Jim. "I am not sorry that I told Spock the truth as he was in pain, though not as much as you are," he replied, eyeing Jim. "I am sorry that I have hurt you."

The apology did nothing but make his anger grow, but he knew Selek had a point, even if he didn't want to admit it. Though it did not erase everything that Spock had done, he was hurting just like Jim, and they were both suffering from a broken heart. Jim flashed back to what Pike once said to him, _"You left the Enterprise over a lie?"_ At first, he denied it and took it as an insult, but now, he couldn't help but think that the Admiral had been right. However, that did make what happened any better. No one should be treated as he had been. "And what about the _Providence?"_ He asked.

Selek turned away from Jim and stared out into the bay, eyeing a few low flying birds. His old heart clinched at the thought that the _Enterprise_ would never become the great ship he knew she could be. "I was in error in that judgment. I can see now you are ready for the _Providence._ I can see how much that ship means to you."

His anger finally dying, Jim turned to Selek, shocked to hear him say that. "You mean that?"

"Vulcans do not lie." Jim glared, which lit up Selek's face with a playful glare. "They just live in ambiguity… yet, I mean it when I say I would not lie to _you_."

"Thank you." It really did mean a lot to Jim to hear those words from Selek, who had been there for Jim even when it didn't look like it. With a deep breath, Jim turned back to the water and the sounds of the waves. "And remember Team Jim, not Team Spock."

Selek laughed a bit and said. "Very well, Jim."

"I like it when you laugh," Jim mindlessly said with a smile on his face. The sun lit up all of his features, making it hard for the Vulcan to turn away.

"Only for you, Jim."

Those words caused Jim's thoughts to slightly darken, because during his relationship with Spock, the young Vulcan had said those exact words to him. He had opened himself up only to Jim, only to leave him lost and confused. Did he really open himself? If he did, why couldn't he see that Jim was in pain? "Am I really that important to you?"

"There are no words, Jim, to describe how important you are to me."

"Even if I am not your Jim?"

"Even if you are not my Jim," Selek replied without any hesitation.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Spock stood outside of a building facing the Golden Gate Bridge. He normally wasn't the one to be nervous about anything, but this time was different. He was about to see Jim and be in the same room with him, for the first time in weeks. His heart was beating rapidly in his side, causing him to do the human thing of taking a deep breath to calm down. Though he knew he shouldn't expect anything, he could not help but feel somewhat joyous at seeing and speaking to him. He wasn't sure how long of a conversion it would be, but it would never be long enough.

It was part of the reason why he didn't want to talk Dr. McCoy about his meeting, as he didn't want to share it with anyone. Even if McCoy would never take this from him, he didn't want to lose the chance to see Jim alone, even though the mysterious Doctor Jones would be there. There was also a serious reason why he did not want McCoy to tag along with him. Jim was still fragile and needed more time to recover before having too many people around him.

Even now, he was jealous of McCoy, though he knew he had nothing to worry about. McCoy had known Jim longer and knew so much more about Jim than Spock did. It wasn't like his former lover wouldn't tell him if he had asked. He had been patiently waiting for the day when he would tell him on his own. That was why it hurt when Jim asked to see McCoy and not him. Did he want to share more with McCoy?

Realizing it was close to the scheduled time of the appointment, Spock pushed himself forward and into the building. The path to Jones' office had been a long slow walk as the Vulcan wondered what Jim was going to say to him. Would it be like that time at the event where his anger exploded, causing Jim to hit him? Would he be soft and conflicted like he was with McCoy? Spock had decided what he was going to say, as he was going to beg forgiveness, even though he knew he did not deserve it.

When the Vulcan arrived outside of Jones' office door, Spock found himself frozen in his own shameful fear. He thought he had control over his emotions, but now just moments before seeing his beloved, the tight control was slipping.

When they had first met, Jim had tested every ounce of his control.

Jim had been a cadet desperately trying to get out of his father's shadow, while he himself was doing everything possible to prove he hadn't been handicapped by being a hybrid. They had clashed several times until they came to a mutual understanding. Then when they started their relationship, his emotions had started to boil to the surface more often. Jim had accepted his lack of emotions and cherished the times when they did show. After _it,_ his emotions were everywhere, and learning the truth made it almost impossible for him to regain control. Even right now, at the door, he could feel them twist inside of him.

Without another thought, Spock pushed open the glass doors, inscribed with Jones' name, and stepped into the lobby of his office. A few large chairs lined the small lobby, and it was empty except for a female receptionist, who was eyeing him as he stepped toward her. He could tell from her the color of her eyes that she was a Betazoid. He pushed down his emotions and forced himself to speak to her. "I am here to see Doctor Jones."

She silently looked at him, which alerted him as he did not want her in his head. "Don't worry, Commander Spock. I'm a hybrid like you, so my abilities are limited, I am only able to read your emotions, which by the way, are all over the place," she said. "Maybe, you should try yoga or meditation."

"Instead of intruding on someone's privacy, why not focus on your job? I believe you already know I have a meeting with Dr. Jones. Is he available?" he asked, coldly.

She stared at him before saying. "Maybe, someone needs to have some sessions of their own. I can sign you up for some." she offered, "It does Starfleet no good to have a Vulcan showing emotions."

This half Betazoid was testing his every control. "Is Dr. Jones available?" he nearly growled.

"He is. Just go right in," she said, pushing a button on her desk. The door on the far left, directly opposite of the office door, opened.

Spock only spared her a glance before he walked through it. As he stepped into the room, he was surprised how old fashion it looked. It looked like an office right out of the 21st century. On one of the four walls, there were bookshelves filled with old fashion paper books. Spock knew Jim would be jealous of the collection. Jim had always liked paper books, as he enjoyed the feeling of the paper as he flipped through the pages. Spock never understood why that feeling was important when reading, but he had to admit it was impressive to see so many real paper books.

Against the book lined wall was Jones' desk, which at the moment was covered in different P.A.D.D.s. A monitor sat in one corner, its screen dark. With the second wall, where Spock had entered, there were shelves with a variety of objects placed on them. Spock recognized a few religious items like a bronze Buddha. The third wall, painted a light blue color, had different size frames lining the wall. His eyes wandered to back of the office where a large glass window overlooked the Bay, and even from the other side of the room, Spock could see the Golden Gate Bridge.

Dr. Jones was sitting in a chair under the frames with a datapad in his hand. His tail wagged behind him as he chewed on a black stylus. "Hello, Commander," he greeted, not looking up.

"Where is Jim?" Spock asked, not moving any farther into the room. "He is not here. Has he changed his mind?" If he had, Spock would not blame him, but it would break his heart.

"No, he's coming. I just asked to you come a few minutes earlier."

"Why is that?" Spock asked.

Jones looked up and smiled. "Why don't you take a seat?" he asked as he waved to the couch across from him. "Let's talk." Spock did not move. "Or you can have something to drink?" He pointed to the water in front of him, sitting on a small wooden table.

Spock eyed him for a second before speaking, "I do not require any refreshments." His focus turned to the wall behind him with the frames, and when he stepped closer, he could see that they were the degrees that the doctor had earned. He was impressed by the number and all of them from very prestigious learning institutions. Jones appeared to be highly intelligent.

"Did Rachel, my receptionist, say something she shouldn't?" he asked. "She has a hard time understanding social norms."

Spock didn't pay much attention to the doctor's question as he noticed one particular degree on the wall. "You are a therapist?" he asked.

"I am."

It was then that he realized the real identity of this particular person. Dr. Jones knew Jim as he was Jim's therapist. "Why did you not tell me you were Jim's therapist when we first met?" he asked. Though he did not like the idea of Jim spouting their intimate secrets to a stranger, he was glad that his Jim was finally able to speak to someone.

"Confidentiality. I wouldn't tell anyone unless Captain Kirk wants me to," he replied. "Plus, it doesn't matter what I am. I am here for Kirk, and I don't need to be a therapist to be there for him."

Spock stepped away from the wall and walked towards the window as he wondered about how he had betrayed Jim. He had done everything that he said he would not, and there were times he found it hard to comprehend that, he as a Vulcan, had been capable of such actions. How could he say he cared for Jim when he threw him away without a second thought? "Why did you want me here early?"

Jones didn't move from his seat. "I have to lay out a few ground rules."

"Ground rules, Doctor?" he asked, looking out at windows. It was a bright sunny day outside, which only made the view even more impressive.

"When Kirk arrives, I'm going to ask that you don't move from your chair," he said.

Spock glanced back at him from the corner of his eyes. "For what purpose?" he asked.

Jones took a deep breath before he leaned forward in his seat. "Sudden movements do-"

"I understand," he said, interrupting him. "I will not move." It pained him how frail and vulnerable Jim had become, because he was never like that. He was always strong and brave. He remembered how Jim never backed down from Nero, and in the process helped to save his people from extinction. Now he was fragile in mind and body, and Spock wanted to help get Jim back to the person that he had been. He also wanted to take Jim into his arms and never let go, though he knew Jim would never let him do that. _I'll never let you take care of me again, Spock._ Jim's words flashed into his head, and it felt like he had been stunned by a phaser. Every word hit him like a shard of glass.

"And you must let Jim talk," Jones added. "This is about him."

Spock glanced down at the street below and felt his heart nearly stop. Even from this height, he could make out Jim's form as he walked toward the building; however, it wasn't his former Captain that shocked him. It was Selek, who was at Jim's side, and they appeared to be friends again. When did that happen? How did that happen? The last time he had spoken to Selek, he was under the impression that they weren't speaking to each other, but now, it seems they were close again.

Spock couldn't help but feel inferior at the sight of the pair. Why were he and his counterpart so different? It seemed like Jim preferred Selek to him, even before their relationship was over. Why was that? Why couldn't he be what Jim needed? He didn't know, and he couldn't help but feel mediocre. He wished he could give his _T'hy'la_ everything he needed, tend to all his hurts, soothe his every nightmare… Now it was too late for that, his actions only proving his failures. "I understand."

"Is there something wrong, Commander?"

"I am fine," he said, crossing to the chair next to the couch.

"What did you see?" Jones eyed, eyeing Spock.

"I do not need a therapist," he said, coldly. Spock started to wonder why he had agreed to this meeting, because he didn't deserve to speak to Jim. He had betrayed Jim on every level, and he shouldn't be here. He needed to let Jim go, because that was what he needed. He didn't need to hold him back any longer, as Spock would only remind him of his pain.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Jim smiled as he stepped into Jones' office. "Hey, Rachel," he greeted. It felt like a weight have been lifted off his shoulders when he spoke to Selek, and he couldn't wait to talk to Spock, even if he was a little nervous. There were so many things in the air, but he knew once he spoke to Spock, he would feel better.

"Captain Kirk, Doctor Jones is ready for you," she said as she pushed a button. "Good Luck."

Though he barely knew the woman, her smile could always light up his day. "Thanks," he said, as he headed into his office with a deep breath. He put on a smile as he took in the room.

Jones smiled at him as he waved in. "Kirk, come take a seat."

"Sorry, I'm late," he said with a smile as he eyed Spock, who was sitting perfectly still. He could see the tension in his shoulders. Was something wrong? Sure, Jim was mad at him, but there was something in his tension that worried him. "Let's get started," he said, stepping deeper into the room.

Spock, looking painfully straight and rigid, stood up, "I must be going."

Jim blinked, shocked. "What?" What was going on? Why was Spock leaving? Didn't he want to speak to him? Jim's weak heart started to beat rapidly as Spock turned toward him.

Jones leaped to his feet, seeing the beginning of a panic attack in Jim. "I don't understand. Why are you leaving?" he asked, taking a step toward Jim. "Why not just stay for a few minutes?"

Spock eyed Jim's face for a second before he spoke, "I have made an error in coming here. I must go." He glanced down as he walked around Jim to the door.

"Commander," Jones called, but Spock did not stop.

With that, the Vulcan was gone, leaving Jim totally stunned. He wasn't sure what had happened. The only thing he knew was that the same feeling of abandonment had come rushing back. He felt lost and confused, and now he felt worthless. Why did the Vulcan keep doing that to him? Was Spock ashamed of him? Did he think Jim was too damaged now? Of course he did; why wouldn't he? Jim considered himself damaged and was ashamed of what he had become.

Jones was at his side, but he was glaring at the door that Spock had exited through. "Are you okay, Jim?" he asked, using his first name. Jones only used 'Jim' when he was really worried.

"Why the hell does he think he can just walk out?" Jim asked, hiding behind his anger. He allowed it to overtake him to keep from breaking down. "He can't even look at me without bolting from the room. Do I sicken him that much?"

"Maybe, it was too much for him," Jones reasoned, trying to get Jim to calm down. "I know he wanted to be here. You can ask Rachel."

Jim thought about the half Betazoid, who he knew to be an empath. "I told you he wouldn't want to see me," he said, referring back to their last conversion. "I told you."

"I do not think it was that," Jones said, as his tail stopped waving.

"This is all about Salean," Jim snapped as his fists balled at his side. Just thinking about that monster made Jim's skin crawl. His ugly face refused to leave his mind. The Dalenian was the reason for everything that happened. Jim put himself out on the edge when he agreed to meet with Spock, and it crumbled out from underneath him. Why did he let that Vulcan do this to him?

"Salean," Jones repeated, nearly shocked that Jim had said the name. From what Admiral Pike had told him, Jones knew about Salean and his heinous actions. It had taken all of his training not to be sick himself, but he knew Jim needed someone he could trust. Jim had only mentioned his attacker's name a few times and the doctor never pushed. Jones knew the harder he pushed the more Jim would have resisted. "Kirk," he said, switching back to his last name. "Although this all started with Salean, I do not believe he is the reason why Spock left."

Jim looked at Jones, holding back his glare. Why didn't this doctor understand that everything that happened was Salean's fault? He was the reason why he lost the _Enterprise._ He was the reason why he lost her crew. He was the reason why he didn't trust himself. He was the reason why his life was so screwed up…Wait, when did he start blaming everything on Salean? Yes, that was where the blame should be. In that moment, Jim felt something in him that he hadn't felt in a long time…courage. "I've got to go," he said, needing to get his anger out somehow.

"Don't go," Jones said as Jim stepped away. "Let's talk."

Jim spared him a glance before he turned and walked out. He only glanced at Rachel, who gave him a knowing look, before racing out of the building.

* * *

 

*O*O*

* * *

 

Jim knew better to than to bring up the idea of seeing Salean in front Chekov, who had already given him a lecture about disappearing when they were working on the _Providence._ He didn't blame or fault Chekov for his protectiveness as Jim had left without word. Not only were his emotions getting the best of him, his body still hadn't healed completely, despite feeling a bit better. Chekov was just worried about him, but it was getting old as Jim was not a child. However, he was proud at how strong his future navigator had become.

He also knew Mr. Scott would be turned off to the idea, and it wasn't because he felt Jim was too weak. He knew that despite feeling uncomfortable, Scotty would agree, but he didn't want to put his future chief engineer in that situation. He was risking enough by sneaking in a few select foods that Jim wasn't supposed to eating, and he didn't need to add anything else. Dr. M'Benga would have a fit if he found out he hadn't been sticking completely to his diet plan.

Then there was Admiral Pike, who would never agree to the idea and probably lock Jim in his apartment if he found out. Pike would lock him in his apartment now if he could, because he was worried about him. He was worried that Jim would overexert himself, which was possible as Jim's heart was still recovering. It would be weeks before it would be back to normal. He could wait for that, because he needed to get back into shape if he was going to be a Captain again. He needed to able to run from any attack.

After calming Chekov down, Jim was sitting outside one of the many Starfleet faculties, reading a P.A.D.D. for a class at the academy. A professor had asked if Jim would speak to one of the Tactical Analysis classes. Not only was it providing him a welcomed distraction, he considered it an honor. Jim couldn't wait to talk to the cadets and give them some advice. Maybe he could scare one or two of the ones who weren't taking their classes seriously.

With a deep breath, he forced the negative thoughts about a certain Vulcan out of his head. Though it still hurt that Spock had left him again, he refused to let that get to him and used his anger toward Salean to keep him going. The thoughts of that monster weren't better, but they kept him upright and angry. He wanted to give that piece of shit a piece of his mind.

With the sun beating down on him, Jim got to his feet, but it wasn't long before he heard someone calling his name. He turned to the sweet voice, which he recognized from anywhere.

"Uncle Jim!" the girl cried as she ran to him. Joanne was a sweet 10 year old girl, who in Jim's opinion looked exactly like her father. McCoy didn't think so.

"Joanne," he said, smiling as she hugged him tightly. She was quite strong for her age, which was probably due to the sports she had been playing.

"I'm so glad I found you," she said, letting him go.

Jim eyed her as he got down on one knee to look at her, face to face. "Where's your mother?" he asked, looking her over. Though Jim wasn't sure if Joanne got along with her mother, he knew McCoy and his ex-wife didn't get along all too well. He hoped the girl hadn't run away. A quick glance showed that she was clean and well dressed in her jeans and blouse.

"She dropped me off with my dad so she could do something with my stepfather," she replied, still wearing a smile.

"So where is McCoy?" he asked, knowing damn sure that McCoy would not let his daughter out of his sight. His former best friend was extremely protective of his daughter and didn't like to let her out of his sight for more than a second. He would hate and love to see what McCoy would do when she started dating.

Joanne looked at him, concern in her petite face. "Why are you and my dad fighting?" she asked, her eyes drilling into him.

"Why do you think we're fighting?" he asked, trying to withstand her stare. She had an intense stare for a ten year old.

She narrowed her eyes. "One, you called him McCoy and instead of Bones, and two, you haven't talked to him in a long time. I've wanted to see you for days because you're my favorite Uncle, but dad said you were too busy. You're never too busy for me, so I know that's a lie."

Jim had to hand it to Joanne. She was very smart for her age. "I'm your favorite Uncle?" he asked, teasing her.

"Don't change the subject," she said, sternly.

With a deep breath, Jim sighed and got to his feet. He couldn't believe that he was getting yelled at by a child of all people. _Geez,_ he thought to him. "Let's go find McCoy. I have no doubt he's worried about you, and if I don't get you back to him, he might hypo me. Trust me, you don't want to see that," he said, giving her a playful look. "And if that happens, you're so getting one too."

Joanne studied him. For a child, she was wise and had a better understanding of what happened around her than most adults did. "Did something happen between you and my Dad?"

Jim looked at her, not sure what to say, because he didn't want to lie to her. At the same time he couldn't tell her the truth. She was too young for that and didn't want to ruin her relationship with her father. Jim may not be getting along with McCoy, but he didn't want that for Joanne. "I have been busy with a lot of things. I don't know if your father told you but I'm getting a new ship, and I have been working on getting it ready for space." It wasn't a total lie.

"Is Dad coming with you?" she asked.

"No, he is staying with the _Enterprise_ ," Jim answered, feeling uneasy. He hated disappointing this little girl.

"Why?"

Jim shook his head, not wanting to answer that. He wished he could get off this subject and move on to something else. "Why don't we find Bones, and the three of us go get something to eat," he said. It stung to refer to McCoy as Bones, but if he didn't, Joanne wouldn't believe him.

Her face lit up. "Really?" she asked, excited.

Spending the afternoon with McCoy wasn't something that Jim wanted to do, but to see Joanne smile like that made his day. Her innocence was something he cherished. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it," he replied. "I would love to spend the day with you two."

"Yay," she cheered as she grabbed Jim by the hand to lead him away.

Jim put on a smile as he let Joanne lead him toward McCoy, who would at least want to see him unlike a certain Vulcan. Why didn't Spock want to see him? Was he a coward and didn't want to face his punishment? Did he not care? Was Jim disgusting to him? Jim didn't know what it was, but it told him all he needed to know. Whatever it was between them must not have meant anything to Spock, and that was all he needed. It would help him look forward and not be stuck in the past. Sure he knew they would never be a couple again, but it still hurt like a bitch.

Maybe he should have stayed and talked with Dr. Jones, but he needed to get out. He needed to think on whether he should see Salean, as that was something he wasn't sure he wanted to do. The idea of seeing the Dalenian scared him, and he didn't want to go alone. He had no idea of what he would do if he saw Salean, and or what the bastard would do in return.

"Joanne, Jim," a voice called, snapping Jim out of his own thoughts.

With a deep breath, Jim looked forward and saw McCoy looking at them with wide eyes. It was if McCoy couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Look who I found, Dad," Joanne said, letting go of Jim's hand and stepping towards her father.

McCoy glanced at Jim before turning to his daughter to give her a lecture. Jim held back his chuckle as he watched. Jim had to hand it to McCoy that despite everything that had happened, he was still a good father. It was clear how much McCoy loved his daughter and would do anything for her. "Go easy on her, Bones," Jim said with a smile. "How could you get mad at her for wanting to see her favorite Uncle?" He stepped to Joanne, grabbing her shoulders, and started to tickle her.

Joanne couldn't hold back her laugh and started to shake with laugher. "M-mercy," she yelled as she tried to get out of Jim's hands. "M…M-mercy." She struggled against Jim's chest. "I g-give. I give."

After getting over his shock at being called Bones, Leonard looked between Jim and his daughter as a smile appeared on his face. "Okay, I think she'd learned her lesson."

Jim, with a huge smile, stepped back and turned to McCoy. "If you say so."

With a heavy breathing, Joanne said, "I think so."

"Do you?" Jim said, threating to step back to her.

"Yes," she yelled, playing scared. "Let's just get something eat."

Fear crept into McCoy's face as he looked between the two. "I…I don't think Jim has time," he said, slowly.

Joanne gave her father a face. "It was his idea."

McCoy looked back to Jim. "You don't have to if you don't want to," he said, his voice uneasy.

"Dad," Joanne muttered, looking at her father with a pleading look.

Jim could see the fear in his former friend's face and knew what he was thinking. McCoy understood Jim's feelings and he didn't want to force Jim to do something that he didn't want to do. Jim was grateful for that. "I'm not busy and I'm starving. As a doctor, you should want me to eat!" It was a playful whine. "Let's go. My stomach is growling."

"Okay, then lead the way," McCoy said.

Joanne cheered as she took off toward her favorite place in San Francisco. Both Jim and Leonard trailed behind her in silence as each was unsure what to say to each other. It wasn't until they were almost there that McCoy spoke. "You don't have to do this. I would have understood."

Jim didn't even look at McCoy as he kept looking forward, "What? You don't want me here?"

"No, I do," McCoy said, protesting a little too loudly. Joanne had glanced back toward them for second before continuing her walk. "I just don't want you to feel that you have to."

"I know, but…at least, someone wants to hang out with me," Jim answered, thinking back to how fast Spock had fled Jones' office.

McCoy kept walking, but he kept his eyes on Jim. "What happened?" Just by Jim's tone, he could tell something was wrong. "Did something happen?" He pause waiting for an answer. "Did something happen with Spock? I know you two were going to meet."

Jim tried to fight back his flinch as he heard Spock's name, but it was clearly visible. "I don't want to talk about it." It wasn't because it was McCoy who was asking. It was because he didn't want to think about it.

"Okay," McCoy said.

Then out of nowhere and unable to stop himself, he said, "He left me. Spock showed up, but I don't know what I did wrong. He just bolted when he saw me."

Leonard looked forward at his daughter, who was now marching dramatically in front of them. "I don't understand. He seemed happy to see you."

"I don't want to talk about it," Jim answered. It was true that he didn't want to talk about it, but he couldn't keep it in any longer. However, something else popped into his mind, but he wasn't sure if he could bring it up.

"Okay," McCoy said slowly as they arrived outside of the restaurant. "Whatever you want."

With a deep breath, Jim turned to him and grabbed McCoy's arm stopping him. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Joanne watching them, but he focused his attention on his former best friend, who was just staring at him. McCoy was surprised by the touch. "What I want is to see Salean and you to come with me."

Shock rose up into McCoy's face. "What? You can't be serious."

"I need to see him and I want you to come with me. You were with me when he kidnapped me, and I want you there now. Please, Bones," he said. He felt guilty using the nickname as he could see McCoy melt when he heard it, but he wanted him to agree.

"Why would you need to see him?" McCoy asked, coldly.

Jim couldn't understand it himself as Salean had destroyed his life, but it was something he had to do. "Please," he begged, not sure what he would do if McCoy said no.

McCoy took deep breath before he answered. "Okay, but if it's too much for you, then we're leaving. You have to promise me that, and I have a right to go all doctor and CMO on you."

A smile appeared on Jim's face as he remembered why he liked McCoy. Even though it was annoying, it felt good to have someone care about him enough to bug him like McCoy did. "You have a deal, but first let's eat. I need to be full if I'm going to do this."

"Yes, and I think Joanne is going to get us if we don't hurry."

Jim laughed and turned toward Joanne. "Then let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With Spock and his escape, I know there is a few 'NO' in the crowd when you read it, but he is at the point where he doesn't think he deserves to speak to Jim. Maybe, once Jim sees Salean, he might go see Spock and they might have their talk. ;)
> 
> And did you know Chris Pine is very scared of Spiders? I don't blame him as they are evil! I might use that in the story, though.
> 
> Until next time! And don't forget to let me know what you think.


	27. The hands of Fate

With each passing second, Jim wondered if he was making a big mistake. Why the hell did he think it would be a smart idea to see Salean? What did he think would come of it? Would it make him feel better? Jim didn't have to speak to the bastard or listen to anything he had to say, but was he going to see him for nothing else other than to prove he could confront him? Or was it to say what was on his mind?

There were so many things on his mind that Jim didn't know where to start, and then there was the fact that he was unsure if he would be able to speak at all. He was scared that he would freeze in front of his rapist, and if that happened, how could he possibly captain a ship? If he couldn't control his fears, how could he lead a crew full of their own fears? Jim wasn't sure, but he knew that he had to see Salean.

With a deep breath, Jim pulled on his coat and quietly stepped out of the apartment. Chekov was asleep, and he didn't want to wake him. He knew the Russian wouldn't approve of what his future Captain was planning to do. He would probably call Pike, and together they'd tie him to a chair and lock him in his room. He knew where they were coming from, but they needed to lighten up. He was still a Starfleet Captain. The slight twinge that rose in his chest reminded him that his weak heart was part of the reason they had become so vigilant.

As the door closed behind him, he stared it for a few seconds in disbelief, not expecting to escape the apartment. Chekov wasn't normally a heavily sleeper, but Scotty had been keeping the Ensign busy with the _Providence._ There was no denying that Jim was falling in love with that ship, though he knew it would never completely replace the _Enterprise._ That ship was the reason why he was a Captain, and he hated leaving her.

Jim turned from the door with a heavily sigh and slowly made his way out of the building. Each step was a battle as he was walking closer and closer to Salean. Despite making up his mind to see the Dalenian, he still had some lingering doubts. It made him grateful that Dr. McCoy had agreed to come with him as he wouldn't be able to do it on his own. He wouldn't have survived without Bones saving his life… Wait, Bones? _He's Bones again_? He was shocked. When did that happen?

He shook his head as he stepped out of the building. What did that mean? Was he ready to forgive his former best friend? Did he want to? There was no doubt that McCoy regretted everything that had happened and would do anything to make up for it. Jim had no doubt that Bones still hated himself for his betrayal, but was he ready to forgive him?

Exhaling slowly, he turned toward the jail where he would confront Salean. He had no doubts that the Dalenian would try to convince him that it was all a mistake and he really cared for him. Jim had no idea how Salean could even think that he loved him, when he attacked and raped him. How could that monster still claim to care after what that he had done? How could Salean believe that was love? It was pure pain and nothing else. It was-

"James!" a voice called, surprising Jim.

Jim froze in place as his heart raced. His mind flashed to Salean as the monster always referred to him as _James_. No matter what was happening, it was always _James_ , and hearing someone yell his full first name nearly sent him back there.

"James."

He forced his fears down when he realized it was a female voice. _It isn't Salean_ , he told himself. _It isn't Salean._ The Dalenian was in a prison cell along with his bastard father. With a deep breath, Jim turned to the woman who had called his name, and groaned as he eyed his mother. Up to now, he had been really good in avoiding her. "I thought I told you to go home?" he said, unable to hide his annoyance.

She had a sadness in her eyes that was impossible to miss. "I realized that I've done some things wrong, and hurt you in so many different ways. I'm sorry, Ja-Jim," she said, keeping some distance between them. "I've been worried about you." There was a softness in her voice that he had never heard before. In this brief moment, she sounded like the mother that he always wanted.

Jim took a deep breath as he stared at his mother. He had no idea what to say with the whirlwind taking place in his head. This woman was MIA doing his childhood, and even now, he could feel the emptiness that it left. Now, here she was in front of him, wanting to be a part of his life, and he didn't know if he could accept it, not now. He had no idea how long this caring Winona would last and couldn't take another heart break.

"I'm fine," he said through his teeth as he tried to slow his heartbeat. "You can go."

Winona fumbled with her hands, clearly not sure what to do. "As I stood out here, unable to get in, I was trying to think of what I would say to you if I saw you." She paused to catch her breath. "I know there's nothing I can do to change the past, but I want to try. I want to have a relationship with you."

Jim was frustrated with his mother, because she never understood what she did wrong. She never apologized for any of the abuse. She had chosen Frank over him, countless times. "Not possible."

She looked like she had been shot. "Please, Jim. Give me a chance."

"I already did and you shot it to hell. You chose Frank over me when I needed you the most," he replied. There was no denying that still hurt.

Winona was silent as she stared at him. He could tell that she was really listening to him this time.

"I don't know what to tell you, because I can't say you what you want to hear," he replied. He had heard that she had given McCoy and Pike a hard time when he was unconscious, which told him that she cared to some degree. However, he couldn't look past all of the pain that she had caused him.

"I want you to let me in. I want to take you home," she replied, stepping closer to him.

The word home raged in his head as he thought about his true home. Inside the one place that had always felt safe… The place where he once had a true family and real friends. It was with those feelings that only one place popped into his mind. It was the _Enterprise_ , but he couldn't go back there. It wasn't his home anymore; it was just a shell that was once his home. "Just go. I won't go anywhere with you. My place is here."

"Jim."

He turned his back to her as his fists balled at his side. "Just go. If you want to change, then change, but leave me out of it," he replied. She needed to realize that there was no chance he would let her back in his life. If she didn't get it this time, Jim had no idea of how he would get it through her head.

"Jim," she called, one last time. Her voice was breaking as she spoke.

Jim closed his eyes, fighting back the guilt rising up inside of him. "Just go, and leave me the hell alone," he replied, as he walked away. He couldn't take her anymore and needed to get away before his confusing emotions exploded.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

As Jim made his way to StarFleet's detention facility, it was a battle to keep his thoughts in check as he struggled to keep walking. He felt relief wash over him the second he saw Dr. McCoy. There was a part of him that would always be mad at his former best friend, but it wasn't as strong as it used to be. It had become a low annoyance. When he looked at McCoy's medical kit, he reminded himself how normal it was for him to be annoyed when the man switched from being his best friend to his chief medical officer.

The Captain eyed the Doctor, studying his former friend. McCoy looked just as tired as he felt, or maybe he was just worried about seeing Salean. Even if that monster was tied to the wall, there was no telling what he could do or how Jim would react to seeing him. Even now, Jim felt his weak heart racing.

"Jim," McCoy called.

Even from a distance, Jim could hear the worry in his voice, but he played it off. "McCoy," he replied, stepping to him. "Glad to see you didn't change your mind." There was a part of him that expected McCoy to not show up, and it was a relief to see him. Unlike a certain Vulcan, McCoy always kept his word and that meant a lot.

McCoy narrowed his eyes at Kirk as he met him half way. "I may not agree with this idea, but I won't let you do this alone." he replied, "I've let you down before, and I won't do it again."

Jim didn't know how to respond to that, but he was grateful for McCoy's support and didn't know what he would do without it. Sure, the doctor was against the idea, but he wasn't going to let Jim do this alone. It meant something that he was going to follow Jim into the lion's den even if there was no turning back.

"Let's go before I change my mind and drag you away," McCoy sourly replied, as he glared at the building a few meters from them.

The Starfleet penitentiary wasn't massive. It was a dark structure, dwarfed by the buildings surrounding it. It was hidden in the shadows of Starfleet as if they wanted no one to know it was there. Jim supposed that it was Starfleet's way of building up the image that they were a peaceful organization with no need for a prison system, but everyone knew that wasn't true.

"I need to do this, Bones," Jim replied. Leonard's nickname slipped off his tongue before he was able to stop himself. After everything that happened, Jim found it hard not to use the nickname that he had so easily called his friend since the day they had met. Now the name Bones easily flowed and he felt a little lighter.

With a deep breath and a small grin, McCoy responded, "I know, and I'm with you, though I'm not sure if you can get pass those guards." He pointed toward the door, where four well-armed guards were stationed.

The Captain in him put on a large smile and stepped toward the guards. He didn't wait for McCoy to follow before he spoke, "They can't say no to this face, and besides, I'm a Captain."

McCoy gave him a look. "You give yourself way too much credit. You're not that cute."

"Oh, yes I am." Even with knowing how close he was to Salean, it was comforting to joke with McCoy. "Just watch me." he added, making his away over to the guards, who let him pass with no problem after seeing his rank. If there was one thing Jim was grateful for, it would be the power his rank gave him. He had missed that back in bum fuck Iowa, where he couldn't do anything. Here, he was someone.

The guards did give McCoy a little trouble but after Jim explained that McCoy was his attendee, they let him by. However, the receptionist at the front desk proved to be a harder challenge. She had a hard look about her and didn't back down no matter how brightly Jim smiled at her. Even now, with one of his largest smiles, she refused to budge. The famous Jim Kirk charm wouldn't work here.

"Surely my rank would allow me access to a prisoner," Jim said, getting annoyed. Why wouldn't they allow him to see Salean? Was the universe trying to tell him something?

The receptionist gave Jim her full attention. "You're correct. As you are a Captain, your rank does give you certain privileges to see anyone in here, Sir; however, there are only five people authorized to see Salean, and I'm sorry, Sir, but you are not one of them."

After everything, this was how this ended? Jim was angry, but he wasn't about to let this stop him. "By whose order?" he asked, all but snapping. This was extremely frustrating because there was so much that he wanted to say. First there was Spock, who bolted at the sight of him, and now, he couldn't tell Selean how much he hated him and how he wouldn't control him any longer.

"By Admiral Pike's order," she replied.

Jim felt himself groan as McCoy stepped toward him, reaching for his shoulder. "Let's go, Jim. You're not getting in."

"No," Jim replied. "I need to see Salean." If he didn't see Salean now, he didn't know what he was going to do. There were so many things in his head he needed to finally say. His emotions were eating him alive, and he needed to find the proper outlets for them. Seeing the monster who raped him was the first thing he could think of to find some kind of release.

"You know Pike won't let you see him," McCoy said.

Jim turned to McCoy and gave him a glare that said it all. He was going to see Salean even if he had to fight for it. "I need to see Salean. Who do I need to talk to get the clearance to see him?"

The woman, whose name Jim did not care to know, let out a sigh. "Only Admiral Komack or Admiral Pike can give you authorization," she replied.

Jim felt himself twitch, because he didn't want to ask either of them. They both knew exactly what had happened to him and would immediately turn him down. "That's it?"

"Well Admiral Marcus can, but I don't think it would be wise to bother him," she replied.

There was no denying that. Everyone knew about Marcus. He was very strict and harsh on those who did not follow the proper channels. "I am aware," he replied with the sigh. "Call Admiral Pike."

McCoy took another step closer at the sound of that name. "Jim, you'll know what he'll say," he whispered between his teeth.

Jim knew exactly what Pike would say, but it was his only shot. A long shot, but still a shot. Maybe, if Pike understood why he needed to do it, he would relent. "He will give me authorization," he said to the receptionist.

She gave him a sharp look as she picked up a communicator and flipped it open. Kirk and McCoy watched as she called Pike, who took only a few moments to respond. Jim's impatience grew as he could only hear one side of the conversation.

"Good morning, Admiral," she spoke. "I have a Captain James T. Kirk requesting authorization to prisoner 1205250." There was a long pause. "Yes, Salean."

Jim held back his grimace as she said his name. He didn't have any illusions that Admiral Pike would allow him to Salean. Everyone was so protective of him it was to the point that it had become nearly suffocating. He understood they all cared deeply for them, but they needed to let him have some breathing room. They needed to let him be the person he wanted to be.

"No, Sir. He's not alone," she replied. "No, it's Chief Medical Officer McCoy." McCoy's head popped up at his name, and he studied the woman's face, looking for any signs of mistrust. "No, just him, and he does appear to have a medical kit with him." There were long minutes of silence as she listened to Pike speak. "I understand, Sir."

She flipped the device closed and set it down on the table. Jim expected the worst and knew a long conversion with Admiral Pike would come after this. Why didn't he understand that he needed to do this? He thought about the man standing next to him and was thankful for his support. "So what did he say?" he asked, trying to hide his nerves.

The receptionist let out another sigh before she spoke. "He's agreed to allow you to see prisoner 1205250."

Surprise and shock flooded Jim's face. He never thought that Pike would authorize him to see Salean. "See I told you he would," Jim said, trying to hide his emotions.

McCoy looked just as shocked as Jim. "I don't believe it."

"He did give some conditions," the woman said, getting to her feet to get a pair of temporary badges.

Jim's eyebrow rose, not liking where this was going. He should have known that even with permission, Admiral Pike wasn't going to let him see Salean that easily. "Like what?"

"You're not to be alone with the prisoner at any time," she replied. "However, I doubted that would've been an issue in the first place." She eyed the Doctor, who stood a few feet from Jim.

"You bet your ass it won't," Leonard replied.

Jim only gave McCoy a glance before he turned back to the woman. "What else?" he asked.

"At all times, a force field will be up, separating the two of you. Prisoner 1205250 is very dangerous and aggressive. We cannot take the chance of him hurting you," she replied as she handled McCoy and Kirk their badges.

Jim understood firsthand how dangerous Salean could be. There was some part of him that didn't like the idea of the barrier as he wanted to show Salean physically how strong he felt. He wanted to prove to that monster that he could try anything and never break him. "Is there anything else?" he asked.

"If your vitals show any dangerous spikes, we are to remove you immediately," she replied.

Jim wasn't sure of this restriction, as his heartbeat rose at the very thought of Salean. What would seeing the Dalenian do to him? He wasn't sure how he was going to respond but he steeled himself. Taking a deep breath and straightening his spine, he knew he was ready. "Let's do this," Jim said.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

The detention building had the same feel and design of many of the Starfleet ships with its crisps white walls and polished floors. The sound of their boots echoed in the long white hallways as they walked. The silence was nearly overwhelming. As they walked closer to Salean's cell, Jim's heart pounded loudly in his ear, drowning out the sounds of their steps. Using what Dr. Jones had taught him, he tried to take deep breaths to slow his heartbeat. He refused to let his body stop him.

Jim kept his gaze forward on the heavily armed guards, who said nothing as they lead him and McCoy to the prison cells. From the corner of his eye, he could see that McCoy was keeping a close watch on him. The Doctor knew Jim's heart was still weak, but he knew could handle this. Jim's courage had allowed him to come this far, and now he just needed to go a little further if he wanted to move on.

"Where are you keeping Salean?" McCoy asked, noticing that there were fewer prisoners as they walked. No one was complaining as the silence was better than the jeers and taunts that they had received from the criminals as they passed.

Without turning back, one of the guards answered, "Prisoner 1205250 has been known to start fights with the other inmates, so we had to separate them. Prisoner 12054251, his father, has also been a handful."

Jim didn't doubt that for second, knowing how dangerous the two of them could be. There was no doubt that both Salean and Seleen were being difficult, as neither Dalenian understood that what they had done was wrong. There was no doubt they would attempt to kidnap Jim again, which was why Starfleet was fighting to the nail with the Dalenien government. They had no interest of returning the two, even if they angered the entire planet.

Unlike the last time, there were no cultural traditions or beliefs to hide behind. Both of them had racked up a lot of charges ranging from kidnapping for taking Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy, assault of multiple Starfleet officers, attempted murder of multiple Starfleet officers, to a murder charge for the dead alien doctor. There was no way they could dispute the evidence nor get out of any of the charges, but it didn't stop the pair from trying.

It wasn't much longer until Jim and Dr. McCoy were standing in front of a set of secured doors, waiting for one of the guards to swipe his badge. Jim's heart was beating an million beats a second, and his palms had started to sweat. The sound of the locks retracting was heard, and the doors swished open to reveal the part of the building where the most dangerous criminals were kept. There were several cells along three walls protected by force fields. As soon as Jim stepped inside he could see the two monsters that had become his worst nightmare. They were on imprisoned in separate cells on the far wall next to each other. The other cells were empty and dark.

Jim took another deep breath. This was his last chance to change his mind. While a small part of him was telling him to turn around and walk away, he forced it down. He wasn't a coward, and if he allowed the idea of confronting Selean to control him anymore, he had no business captaining a ship.

"Are you okay?" McCoy asked, seeing Jim's distress.

Jim had no idea why he was terrified in the first place as there was no chance that Salean could hurt him. Even if the impossible happened and Salean broke through the force field, there was no chance that bastard could get to him, not with the heavily armed guards in the room. He would not be alone. "I will be," he replied as he turned to the guard giving him the nod. Jim was going to do it.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

If Spock was broken before, he was devastated now. Leaving Jim was the hardest thing that he ever done and it took all he had to keep moving as he heard Jim call to him. Even if Jim had only said one word, he could still see the pain his betrayal had caused his beloved. He knew that walking out on his former lover created more pain, but it was for the best. His presence would only serve to hurt Jim further and he could not allow that. Yet deep in his katra, he knew there was another reason why he left Jim. He did not deserve to see his T'hy'la, whom he had betrayed. He did not deserve Jim's forgiveness.

Having just beamed aboard the _Enterprise,_ the First Officer headed to the Bridge for an update. As the ship would remain docked until a new Captain was appointed, Starfleet had decided to give the _Enterprise_ a few upgrades, and Spock was checking on the process. It was important that nothing went wrong, or they would have to repeat the entire process from the beginning.

After arriving on the bridge, Spock made his rounds to every station, with each step feeling like he walking through a heavy fog. Every part of him felt weighed down as though he wear wearing the armor of the pre-Surak time period. Taking a small glance around, he could feel his very essence shake being on the bridge. The sight of the empty Captain's chair was almost too much to bear. It was a constant reminder that Jim was gone from his life, from the _Enterprise_. Jim lived to be a Captain, and that chair had been his place… a place he had been driven from. Spock had no one to blame but himself.

As he stepped to his station, a familiar voice called to him, "Are you okay, Spock?"

The Vulcan didn't flinch or show any signs of being surprised. Normally it was very difficult for anyone to sneak up on him, but lately, it took all of his Vulcan teachings to stay in control. His nerves were shot to hell from the whole experience. "Lt. Uhura," he said, not looking back to her. He focused on the data that the computer was displaying. "Have the computers been updated to Starfleet's latest specs?" he asked.

Uhura eyed Spock's back, not moving from her spot. "It has been. The last requirement is a final systems test."

"Good," he replied, still not turning back to her. "If that is all, you can leave."

"What's wrong, Spock? Did your meeting with Kirk go bad? Did he say something? What happened?" she asked, her voice was soft. It was also clear in her voice that she was worried.

Spock stood straight and turned to the lieutenant, who was only other one on the Bridge. As they were docked there was no need to have a full bridge crew. As per protocol, there was one person on the bridge at all times, but Spock had relieved him when he stepped on the bridge. He needed to be alone for a while to think. "It is not important."

Uhura's expressed changed almost to the point of anger. "He didn't change his mind, did he?" She paused as if to allow the anger to grow. "I'm going to kill him! I understand you-no, we hurt him, but this isn't right. Can't he see that he is hurting you?" she asked, almost hissing. "Can't he see you're sorry?"

"Stop," Spock ordered. To hear her threaten Jim angered him, and he would not tolerate it. Jim did nothing wrong; he had never did anything wrong. Spock was the guilty party as he had been before. He tried not to do the human thing of inwardly sighing as Uhura had still not stopped her pettiness in rushing to blame Jim.

"Spock," she uttered.

He glanced at her as he picked up a P.A.D.D. "It was not Jim."

He could see the expression on her face change, as the reality of what had actually happened dawned on her. "It was you!" She was shocked. "What the hell, Spock," she said in disbelief. "Why would you do that? I thought you wanted this? I thought you wanted to make up with Jim?"

Her anger shouldn't have surprised him. Lately, she had been pushing him to see Jim, which was opposite of what she had originally been doing…When she tried everything she could to keep them apart. "It is not of your concern."

Uhura narrowed her eyes at him. "You need to stop this."

"Stop what, Uhura? I do not understand."

"This self-punishment of yours," she replied. "I never thought you were a chicken, Spock. Grow a pair."

Spock's eye brow rose to her illogical statement, as it was impossible to grow a pair, and there were quite a few ways he could respond, but he understood what she meant by it. He knew he was allowing his fears to overtake him, but he couldn't face what he had done to Jim. He had broken all of his promises. She did not understand what it meant to a Vulcan when they hurt their T'hy'la as badly as he had done. "You simply do not understand."

"I don't understand?" she snapped back. "No, you don't understand. You don't understand what you're now doing is hurting Kirk. What do you think Jim was thinking when you left him _again_?"

"He was probably relieved," Spock answered. It was painful to admit it to himself. All he wanted was for his former lover to finally be happy.

"Or abandoned again," she answered, glaring. "How could you walk out on him? There was a reason why he wanted to speak to you and you just threw it back in his face! Do you even care about how he's feeling?"

The Vulcan didn't know how to answer that, because there was no logical reason why he walked out on Jim for the second time. Hearing Jim utter that one word told him that Jim was devastated yet again, but he thought it was for the best. He thought he was allowing Jim to heal by leaving. Now he was beginning to wonder if it was the best course of action. How could he just walk out on Jim? "I have repeatedly hurt him."

"We all have, but you can't live in that past. You need to man up and make up for it. Come on, Spock. Show him how sorry you are. He needs you to step up, show him now much you love him, and not abandon him again."

Spock wanted to say that he didn't deserve Jim, especially after all of the broken promises. "What if-"

"Stop," Uhura replied before he could complete his sentence. "Don't do this what if. Do Vulcans do the 'what if' game? No, they don't. They don't make illogical judgments from their limited information."

"Nyota," he uttered.

She smiled slightly. "Don't do this to yourself. Talk to him first, before jumping to the worst conclusion. You never know it could turn out well."

He knew she was right, but it was difficult as he kept flashing back to their last conversion. "You are correct."

"I know I am," she replied. "And you should focus your anger on Salean, who deserves it for everything that he did to Kirk."

Salean's very name brought out so much anger in him that it nearly stripped his control. The monster had stolen everything from him, and he wanted nothing more to return the favor. It took all of his Vulcan control not to march down to the penitentiary and kill him with his bare hands. Had the crimes taken place on New Vulcan, he could have claimed the ancient rights of T'hy'la and killed him to protect his potential mate. "He does," he responded.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

"James!" A cheerful voice called, breaking through the silent room.

As Jim walked through the door, his kept his eyes straight and focused on a wall, away from the prisoner, trying to work up his courage. However, hearing his name come out of Salean's mouth froze him completely, and he lost all power to think clearly. He could feel the fear begin to grow inside of him. Dr. McCoy was at his side in an instant, blocking Salean from his sight, making sure his friend was alright.

"Oh, James, when they told me I had a visitor, I never expected it be you," Salean said, happily. "I was beginning to lose faith, but I knew you would come to me. I told them you would you understand what you are to me. You would understand that you belong to me." He paused as he took a step to reach to Jim. "Once I get out, I will come for you." Salean's voice could have melted wallpaper as it dripped with desire and hunger. "I will show you how much I missed you."

With his eyes slammed shut and his fists balled at his side, Jim tried to slow down his rapidly beating heart as the painful rape memories flooded back. The beating turned into a roar that made it difficult to hear Bones, who was trying to calm him down. He distantly heard McCoy ask if he needed something. Even the concern coming from his friend was drowned out by Salean. "No," he said louder than he wanted. His voice quivered slightly.

"Jim," Bones uttered with a firm grip on his shoulder.

"I got this," he replied, taking deep breaths. He kept reminding himself that there was nothing that Salean could do to him. Besides McCoy and the force field, two armed guards were standing at the back of the room, ready to defend if the impossible happened. "I can do this." He closed his eyes for a second as he forced those thoughts of his mind.

"Yes, you can," his former best friend responded. "And if you need me, I'm here."

With a heavy heart, Jim smiled at McCoy. Sure, he could never forget what had transpired between them, but in the past, McCoy had always been there for him. He knew he had to be honest and remember that he had refused to tell the truth. He refused to allow anyone to think of him as weak. "I know."

With one last deep breath, Kirk stepped away from McCoy and toward Salean, who was smiling at him. It was unnerving to see Salean look at him that way, like he really cared for Jim… like he loved him. How could Salean think that way after everything he had done? He was watching Jim like he was his whole world, and the feeling made his skin crawl. "Stop looking at me like that, you sick bastard," Jim snapped, loudly.

McCoy inched his way to Jim's side, not wanting to be too far away in case something happened. The two guards stood at the back of the wall, watching Salean for any quick movement. Their eyes were focused on the Dalenian with their guns aimed when he stepped forward. None of this was lost on Jim, even if his eyes were focused on Salean's twisted smile.

"James, how else would I look at you?" Salean asked, inching closer to the force field. "I have missed you. It has been torture not knowing what had happened to you. How are you, my love?"

McCoy stepped forward, trying to put himself between them. "Stop talking to him like that, you sick bastard!" he snapped.

"Shut your mouth, Pet. I was not speaking to you," Salean spit. "You have no idea of what you speak of! James belongs to me." Salean glared at him before turning to Jim. "How are you, James?"

Salean's voice mocked Jim, and it took everything he had not think about what had happened "It's okay, Bones." He replied softly. He couldn't allow Salean to keep doing this to him.

"Yes, Pet. He knows how much I care," Salean replied.

Jim could tell that McCoy wanted to respond to Salean, but this was something that he had to do on his own. He had to be strong and face his fear, or he would never get over it. He pulled up all his pent-up anger. He focused on his life, and the pain of everyone turning on him. He remembered all of the nasty looks, the blatant disrespect, and turned it back on Salean. "You call that caring?!" Jim asked, his heart beating rapidly.

Salean looked unfazed "James, I am hurt that you think that." He banged against the force field, testing for a weakness. The guards took a step toward prison cell in a silent warning, but Salean did not settle down. "Let me out so I can show you. You do not-"

"Enough," Jim snapped. "You know nothing! You call that love? You have no idea what you did to me." His anger was starting to overpower his fear. He didn't see McCoy had quietly pulled out his tricorder and was now scanning him.

"I do not understand why you are fighting this? You accepted the stone," Salean asked.

Jim was so sick and tired of that stone, which had become a never ending nightmare. "You took advantage of my ignorance and raped me."

McCoy stepped closer to him, worry clearly present on his face. "Jim, your heart."

He understood why Bones was worried. His heart was racing and he could already feel faint, but he needed to finish this. "Stop," Jim hushed, as he waved the Doctor off. "He has no power over me, and I can handle myself. Look where he's at. A dog in cage."

Salean slammed his fists into the force field again in anger and loudly growled. "I am no pet," he hissed. His expression had changed from lust to extreme anger that Jim had only seen on him once before. He had a vague memory of the Dalelian lashing out at an alien doctor followed by the sound of snapping limbs. "You belong to me! You are my pet!"

Before Jim could responded, one of the guards stepped toward them with his phaser rifle raised. "Step back, Prisoner 1205250," the officer ordered. "One more aggressive move and we will stun you."

Salean narrowed his eyes. "The Council will hear of your mistreatment of me, and you will be punished," he snapped. "You do not understand who I am and my power."

"And you do not understand that we don't care," the officer shot back. "Now, step back."

Salean, grudgingly stepped back, as he eyed the officer. After he had complied, the officer stepped back to his spot at the back of the room.

Jim couldn't help the small smile that appeared on his face. It felt so good to see Salean trapped behind the force field while he was free to live his life without fear. It was a wonderful feeling to know that Salean couldn't hurt him anymore and would have to answer for what he had done. "How does it feel?" Jim asked. "How does it feel to my bitch?"

"Your bitch, James?" Salean asked, his voice filled with rage. "You do not know your place! I need to separate you from these bad influences," he said, turning to McCoy. "What have they filled your head with? Do you not understand how much I lo-"

Listening to Salean speak was sickening, and Jim could not take anymore. "Shut your filthy mouth. You have no idea what you have done to me. What you have stolen from me, and you will probably never understand what you have done, but maybe with some time, you will," Jim interrupted. "You deserve to rot in this cage for the monster that you are. You have no idea of what you made me feel. I felt less than human for so long that I lost track of who I am, and for that, I want to kill you."

McCoy looked alarmed when he heard those words from Jim's mouth, and there was no doubt that he was worried about Jim. "Jim."

Jim only glanced at him for a second before continuing on Salean. "For too long, I have let you control me. I let fear overtake me, and I won't let that happen anymore. I'm taking control and I will make sure you rot for all the pain that you caused me. I will make you regret raping me, you pig."

Salean looked even angrier. "You belong to me!" He stormed back to the force field, careful not to touch it. "You are mine. I have marked you."

For a brief second, Jim almost lost his confidence as he flashed back to the mark that Salean had carved into the flesh. The pain was so overwhelming that it almost sent him to his knees. It was McCoy's hand on his shoulder that kept him steady. Jim didn't know what he would have done if Bones hadn't been there with him, even with all the painful memories.

"That marks makes you mine," Salean replied, almost happy at seeing Jim turned silent.

With a deep breath, Jim turned back to Salean and let out a chuckle. "What mark?" he asked, lifting up his uniform shirt to show his side. He felt completely exposed, showing Salean his bare skin, but it also felt amazing to see Salean's face drain. All of it was thanks to Dr. M'Benga. Even though Jim had waited until the wound was infected before alerting the Doctor, and it was difficult for him to heal the mark, the carving was nothing more than a faint, nearly invisible scar. With two more treatments, the scar would be replaced with smooth skin. "You're nothing but a bad memory that will fade. I'm free, while you are not. So who is laughing now?"

Salean glared, not saying anything. His fists were at his side as his whole body shook.

"I'm not afraid of you anymore," Jim said, even though his heart was still racing. "You have no control over me." With that, Jim turned and stepped away. No matter what Salean yelled, he didn't stop. He didn't stop when Salean brought up the details of the rape. He didn't stop when Salean threatened him. He didn't stop for anything, and it felt good to hear Salean beg for once, to hear him sound weak. As the sounds faded as he walked out of the prison hall with McCoy at his side, he felt like he could like he could finally move on and live.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

"Spock, stop. You can't do this," Uhura yelled as she trailed behind the angry Vulcan. It took all she had to keep up with him, who was making his way to Starfleet's penitentiary.

There was so much anger running through him that it was nearly impossible for him to maintain control. He wanted to find Salean and unleash the anger on him as he destroyed the future he would have had with his T'hy'la. Salean had almost killed Jim and that was unforgivable. The Dalelian would soon learn what happens in the Vulcan culture when you hurt a potential mate. "I must."

Uhura almost tripped over her feet as she ran after him. "If you do this, you will lose everything. There's no possible way you can get away with this."

Even though anger was racing through him, Spock had no idea what he was planning to do to Salean. He wanted to see him and unleash his anger. He wanted to hurt him. He wanted to break his filthy hands and disfigure his hideous face. He wanted to make the bastard pay for his crimes. Yet as every step took him closer to Salean, he thought of everything that would block him. It was still tempting, but he doubted he would have the chance to do so.

Admiral Pike and the rest of the Admirals of Starfleet had ordered that Salean and his father to be placed in the most secure cells that Starfleet had on the planet. He doubted anyone there would allow him near Salean, and if they did, there was little chance he could get close enough to kill him. "It would be worth it," he replied, sounding very human.

"Spock," she muttered in shock.

He was grateful to Nyota for some things she had done, though he would never forgive her for what she had done during Jim's last months on the _Enterprise_. He had his own share of blame as he should have trusted Jim, his T'hy'la, and not given into the vicious words she had used. She had softened her stance when she had learned the truth and was now trying to get him back with his former lover. He could see that she was trying in her own way to make amends. Yet he knew deep in his katra that he should have trusted Jim all of those months ago. "There is no reason to mask the truth," he replied.

Uhura's expression softened. "I'm worried about you."

He too was worried, but he could not allow Salean to be a threat to Jim any longer. He had to finally start taking care of Jim as he should his T'hy'la. If that was the only thing he could do for Jim, he would keep him safe.

"Spock, Stop." She was out of breath, but she refused to stop as the jail came into view. "You can't do this. You can't-"

"Jim, are you okay?"

Spock and Uhura froze at the sound of Dr. McCoy's voice as it cut through their conversion. Spock glanced forward looking for the owner of the voice, and when he found him, he felt anger and jealously rush through him. A few meters from them, McCoy stood next to Jim, as they had walked out of the penitentiary. Why was Dr. McCoy with Jim? Why did they seem so friendly? Spock knew he had no one to blame besides himself as he had twice walked out on Jim.

"I'm good, Bones," Jim replied, not noticing Uhura and Spock. "In fact, I feel better, like a weight has been lifted off my chest." There was a smile on Jim's face that Spock hadn't seen for months, and it brought up even more feelings of jealousy.

He replayed Jim's comment in his mind. Did Jim just refer to Dr. McCoy as Bones? When did that happen? How did that happen? Dr. McCoy had betrayed Kirk just as Spock had, so how did they become friendly again? He did not know the reasons, but he couldn't fight back the feeling in his stomach at the sight of them.

Uhura glanced toward Spock before she made her way toward Kirk and McCoy, and it took the Vulcan a few seconds to realize what she was doing. She had wanted Spock to speak to Jim and was going to do whatever it took to make it happen. "Kirk!" she yelled, getting their attention.

Spock could see Jim's expression change as he noticed her, but his gaze didn't remain on Uhura for long. The Captain's eyes were on his former First Officer's, drilling into him. Jim didn't say a word as Uhura made her away toward them. It seemed like fate had brought them together again.

* * *


	28. The Key to Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo
> 
> I am sooo sorry for the wait. I have no idea why it took me so long to get this out. :(
> 
> Well here you go. The last Chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter and it lives up to the long wait.

**Chapter 28:**

**The Key to Forgiveness**

* * *

For what seemed like hours, Jim looked between Uhura and Spock, unsure what was going on or why they were here. Did they know he would be at this location? Or was it by chance? Did they come to see Salean? If so, why? What did Spock have to say to Salean? What right did he have? Jim took a deep breath, stopping those dark thoughts before they overwhelmed him.

Dr. McCoy spared Jim a small glance before turning to Uhura and Spock. "Uhura," He muttered, looking between the two. "What are you two doing here?" The Doctor's glance hardened as he looked toward Spock. "Going to run again, Commander?" he asked. "Too afraid to get what you deserve?"

With that, Spock's face hardened and his posture stiffened.

Uhura glanced at him for a second before snapping, "McCoy." She was glaring at him. "That's uncalled for."

"Uncalled for?" Leonard snapped back. "He left not once but twice. Do you have any idea of what that did to Jim?" He was glaring right back at Uhura.

With a deep sigh, Jim glanced toward McCoy. Even though Bones was right, he didn't need him to defend him. He could do it on his own. "Bones, enough. You don't need to fight my battles."

"Jim," McCoy uttered, softly.

"However, you do have a point," Jim replied, annoyed. He glanced at Spock from the corner of his eyes as he felt his nerves grow. He thought seeing Salean would have killed all of his nerves, but they were alive again, burning at the sight of his former lover, who just stared at him.

Spock stared at him for a few long seconds before glancing at the prison behind them. "Did you see Salean?" the Vulcan asked, as he tried to mask his emotions. To Jim it was clear that he was angry.

For a second, Jim wondered what he should say to Spock, who continued to stare at the prison. Did he have a right to know anything? "I did, Commander," he answered.

Uhura glanced from Spock to Jim, worry filled her face. "Are you okay, Kirk?" she asked, taking a step toward her former Captain, who intensely watched her.

There was something about Uhura's worry that was off-putting and began to annoy him. Taking a deep calming breath, he refused to let his annoyance and anger get to him. It would only hold him back, and he couldn't move on if he allowed it to. Jim let out a sigh as he glanced toward Spock, who was now staring at him. "I'm as fine as I'll ever be, Lieutenant," he replied.

"Kirk," she uttered as she took a step toward him.

He let out another sigh at the sound of his name coming from her lips. "If that's all, Bones and I are off," he replied. He had no idea of where they were going, but he had no interest in staying. He had enough heartbreak already and couldn't deal with anymore. "Let's go," he said waving to Bones, who only eyed him. It wasn't until a few steps that the doctor followed him.

Uhura followed them. "Kirk, stop. You and Spock need to talk this out," she said. "You-"

"Nyota, that is enough," Spock said sternly. His eyes were burning into her, not sparing Jim a look.

She turned back to him. "No, this is enough. You both need to talk to each other," she snapped back.

Pausing in his steps, Jim turned to look at the two. Uhura had a point, but he wasn't in a mood for Spock to bolt again. Sure, there were a lot of things he needed, no wanted, to say to the Vulcan. However, he refused to deal with him bolting. Spock needed to stop running and talk to him.

McCoy's eyes moved to Spock, who was standing perfectly still. "He doesn't seem to want to talk," he mumbled.

"Hush, McCoy," Uhura snapped. "You got some nerve, after what you have done."

"And I will pay for that-" started McCoy, but Jim cut him off.

"Enough," Jim snapped. He didn't have the patience for this, not with his heart recovering from his meeting with Salean. He was glad the Dalenian wasn't able to pipe in, because he wasn't sure if he would be able to handle that. "I think we've had enough fighting," he said, feeling drained. He couldn't help but think back to what Dr. Jones had told him; forgiveness was the key, but it was difficult.

McCoy glanced at Jim. "Sorry, Jim," he replied.

Uhura let out a sigh but remained quiet. Jim could tell that she wanted to say something. His ex-Communications officer was never one to shut up, even when ordered. There were times that Jim wanted to blast her off into space when she wouldn't shut up. However, he had to give it to her; she was a true friend… at least to Spock.

Spock stepped forward. "I am as well, and if this is all, the Lieutenant and I will be off," he said, not looking at them.

Jim narrowed his eyes at his former First Officer. Where was the fighter that Jim had fallen in love with? Where was his confidence? The Vulcan in front of him didn't resemble the one who had been his First Officer and lover. He didn't resemble the one who took care of him and protected him. For a few moments he didn't recognize that this was the Vulcan, who had stolen his heart. Sure, he couldn't see a chance for a second shot for them, but he didn't want to see him like this. After everything that had happened, he didn't want to see him hurting so much.

Right now, Spock reminded Jim of himself when he resigned his post to return to the Iowa farm house he purchased. He looked defeated, like he had lost everything and there was nothing left to live for. Jim knew how that felt. He knew how it felt to lose everything and have nothing but memories. He knew how haunting it was to live in his memories, and it wasn't until recently that he stopped living in the past. After being saved from Salean and Seleen, he realized there was something to live for and he shouldn't be controlled by his emotions. With the help of Dr. Jones and his true friends, he had slowly retaken control of his life.

Even though he was still mad at Spock, he didn't want him to be like this. Jim wanted the Vulcan to move on and forgive himself, even if he wasn't able to forgive him. In the back of his mind, he wasn't sure how Spock would be able to if he wasn't ready to forgive his own self. "Commander, take a walk with me," Jim said, surprising himself. He couldn't help but think that this was a something left over from his talk with Salean.

"Jim," McCoy called, worry clearly present in his voice.

The blond smiled softly and stepped away from the Doctor. "It's time that Spock and I talk. It'll be fine." There was a paused as he glanced back. "I'll meet you in an hour for lunch," he said, stepping closer to the Vulcan.

"The usual place?" McCoy asked, eyeing him.

"Yup, I'm in the mood for some big juicy burgers," Jim said, answering back. "Or maybe some nice fat, grilled steaks and a big mound of French-Fries. That sounds good…I don't think I can last an hour." He chuckled.

McCoy couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, yes. I don't think I can either."

"Good, I'll meet you there," Jim said, as he continued to walk away.

Spock and Uhura eyed him as he walked by, and though Jim couldn't hear what Uhura said to the Vulcan, he knew she was telling him to go. Although it annoyed him that Spock had to be pushed into talking to him, he understood why he was so hesitant. It was guilt that the Vulcan was feeling and keeping him from speaking to him. He wanted him to try. "Are you coming, Commander?" he said over his shoulder.

There was a pause before Spock took a step toward him. "I am."

Jim didn't look back as the Vulcan quietly followed him.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

The wind was howling and the sun was almost blinding as Jim stared out into the bay. He stood perfectly still, as he tried to calm his nerves. It was nerve racking to have his former lover standing silently behind him. Why did Spock have to be a Vulcan of few words? Why didn't he just say what was on his mind? Why was he trying to do all of the talking while Spock stayed quiet?

"Why did you leave?" Jim asked, tired of the silence.

Spock shifted uncomfortably behind Jim, as he took a step forward. "Which time, Captain?" he asked. There was an unmistakable sadness in Spock's voice.

There was a battle inside of Jim. He was still so angry with Spock that he didn't know if he could ever forgive him, but at the same time, he didn't want to be angry anymore. He was sick and tired of being angry. "At the therapist office," Jim responded, still staring out.

Spock didn't answer right away, taking a few long seconds to answer. "I thought I was doing what was best," he replied.

At hearing his response, Jim nearly snapped, and it took everything he had to control his anger. He was tired of people trying to do what they thought was best for him. Why was it everyone else's job to decide that? They had no idea of what was best for him. "Don't lie, Spock," Jim said, turning him. "That was for you."

The Vulcan was taken aback by the comment, looking insulted. "I do not understand what you mean. I did not do this for-"

Sometimes it was difficult to deal with Spock, as he never seemed to understand him, or maybe, that was a trick. Maybe, this was how he got out of talking about anything. "Just shut up and listen, Spock," Jim said, interrupting him.

His former First Officer stared at him, clearly wanting to respond but remaining silent. His stance was as stiff as ever as he listened.

"That was for you," Jim started. Maybe, it was left over from his talk with Salean, but he needed to get everything off his chest. "I don't care what excuses you use, because none of that was for my benefit. There's no justification for you leaving me again, because all it did was made me feel like shit _again_." Jim paused for a second to breathe. "So how did that help me?" Jim paused, giving Spock a chance to respond, but he was met with silence. "No, seriously. How did that help me?"

Jim glared at Spock, daring him to response, but the Vulcan remained silent. "Be honest, you did it for yourself. You did it to spare yourself. You were too afraid to admit your feelings like you always are. Too afraid to admit that you were wrong, that you were a fool. Too afraid to admit that you don't know everything." He felt his heart race as the words flowed, more so than when he had confronted Salean. "Be honest, you left because you were only thinking of yourself."

Spock was stiff as he took a step toward Jim. "…There is no denying that I was thinking of myself when I walked out of that office. I could not rid myself of the image of you with Selek and how inferior I was to him." There was a pause as the Vulcan gathered his thoughts. "I thought I would only bring you more pain as I would remind you of the past."

"So you thought I would fall apart at seeing you?" Jim asked, eyeing him. With each passing second, he was beginning to think this was a bad idea. What did he hope to accomplish by this? "Do you think I am that weak?"

"You misunderstand, Jim," Spock said, softly. "I do not think you are weak. You are stronger than most of the beings I have ever met, and my comment is not a reflection about you. It is a reflection about me and how weak I am. I could not take seeing you. The pain was too extreme, and I did not wish for you to feel like I do."

Jim couldn't help but feel that the Vulcan was missing the picture, yet there was something that he couldn't deny. He couldn't miss the pain that his ex-lover was feeling, but there was a part of Jim that felt pleasure from that. "So you were thinking of your pain and not mine," he stated slowly, trying to make Spock understand what he was saying. "Through everything, you thought about yourself. You didn't even stop to think of how I was feeling."

Spock didn't answer right away, allowing a few moments to pass. "I am very much ashamed of my actions, and I will never forgive myself." He paused for a few more seconds. "I want nothing more than to make amends for my actions. I know there might not be much that I can do, but I shall not give up."

_Isn't that the truth_ , Jim thought. "No, there isn't."

The Vulcan took another step forward, his eyes glued on Jim. "However, it does not mean that I will not try, Jim. I shall do everything that I can to atone for my actions," he said, his tone changing.

It wasn't what Jim wanted to hear. He wanted to hear Spock give up and move on, as there was no moving back. There was no way they could return to what they were… to what they had between them. "There's nothing, Spock." He couldn't help but flash back to his final days on the _Enterprise_. "Though I know it doesn't help matters to keep everything in, there is nothing you can do."

"I am aware, but please allow me to try," Spock said.

"Why?" Jim asked. "You showed me nothing but hatred and pain, threatening to take the very thing that gave me meaning." Even now, the memory of Spock threatening to take the _Enterprise_ was almost too much for him to bear. Yes, Jim wanted to move forward, but he still couldn't get passed what happened. At the same time, he realized that he had made mistakes too. He should have handled things differently.

Again, the Vulcan was silent for a few moments before he answered. "I have no decent answer for you, Jim." There was another short pause as if he were trying to work up his courage. "I have hurt you, but at the same time, I was hurting deeply as well, Jim. I was blinded by my heart to notice your pain."

"Sounds like an excuse," Jim replied, feeling annoyed. When he focused on everything he knew deep down he truly wanted to forgive Spock, because he was correct. They both were suffering from a broken heart.

"If you had only told me, _Th -_ Jim," he said, eyeing his former lover. His voice was soft.

Jim had been asking himself the very same thing for a while now. Every time it left him confused and angry, but it was useless as there was no changing the past. Maybe, he should have told them all the truth, but that was a moot point now. He just hoped he could change his future. "It's too late for that now," he answered. "You just need to move on."

"I cannot, Jim. You do not understand what you mean to me."

"I only know what you showed me. I know you would rather listen to the ramblings of a jealous ex than me. I know you already had a foot out the door when we started this relationship. Let's face the facts. You doubted my ability to remain faithful to you from the beginning."

Something changed in Spock as he took another step toward Jim. The ocean roared loudly as it hit the rocky bay, but nothing could take his attention from Jim. "You have things wrong." His voice was still soft, but there was an edge to it now. "It is you, who-" He paused for a second as he stared at Jim. "-had a foot out of the metaphoric door."

"Excuse me?" Jim asked, his anger growing.

"It is not illogical to think so. It was I who had courted you, who cared about you even when you had rejected me," Spock replied. "It was I who asked you to bond with me and you rejected the very thought of it."

Jim could feel his anger growing. He didn't need this. He didn't want to fight with Spock. He wanted to finally say goodbye and close that part of his life, yet the book refused to close. "I didn't reject the thought of it. I just rejected it then, because it was just a tool for you at that moment."

"A tool? Bonding is not a tool and it is an insult to think of it as such."

Jim couldn't see it as anything other than a tool to get him to stay on the _Enterprise_ instead of going to the planet. He wished he listened, but it didn't make any difference. Spock didn't offer to go through the sacred Vulcan ritual out of wanting to truly bond with him. "You said it to stop me, and that isn't how you ask someone to marry you, Spock," he said.

Spock's hands flinched behind his lower back as he his arms remained stiff. "It may have not been the correct time, but I meant it fully. I did not know understand the purpose of love until I met you."

"You have a funny way of showing it."

"There are so many things that I can say, but I know nothing I say will change it." Spock took another step closer to Jim, who only stared. "And to know that you could not tell me the truth breaks my heart even more."

"Like you gave me a chance, Spock," Jim snapped back. "I asked- no, begged you to give me a chance to explain, but you walked out on me, telling it was all just an experiment. Did you forget that?"

Again, there was a long pause before the Vulcan answered. "I can never forget that. It has haunted me since the very moment I walked out that door."

"Haunted you? You have no idea of what haunted means. You could sleep. I could not, not with my endless nightmares. You slept in your bed as I spent hours laying on the floor, trying to sleep. You could walk through the _Enterprise_ in silence with the respect of the crew. I could not. I was tormented and disrespected as I walked through the ship. Yes, I was the Captain and I could've-no, should've taken control, but I couldn't. I couldn't even look at myself without feeling ashamed, wondering what I did to deserve this," Jim ranted. "There was a short time that thought I deserved all of it."

"Jim," Spock said sternly but softly. "You have no reason to feel ashamed and it angers me so to know that I was behind it. I allowed my pain to blind me and… I am allowing it to do so again. You are correct. I allowed the pain to drive me from you at the therapist office. I… was scared as I could not handle your anger. I cannot lose you again." He took another step forward.

To hear Spock sound so broken nearly made Jim want to forgive the Vulcan as he truly felt sorry for what he had done. There was no doubt that his former love regretted everything that happened, but it didn't change anything. Spock's hate filled eyes were burned into his mind. "…You have already lost me, Spock."

"Jim, allow me a chance to court you again. I know you had said that you would never allow me to take care of you, but I will spend the rest of my life, Jim, trying to do so."

Jim closed his eyes as he took a step back. He needed to think as all of his emotions were rushing back in one giant wave. This was why he didn't want to talk to Spock, because it was too much. "I can't, Spock. I just can't," he finally said, after a few seconds of silence.

"Jim," he said, sounding broken.

With a deep breath, Jim slowly opened his eyes and stepped away. "I know you're sorry, but I can't. I just can't. I have to move forward, which I am trying to do, and this talk is something that needed to happen. This doesn't mean it can go back to the way it was before our lives became a living nightmare. We both need to move on and heal."

Spock took a step toward Jim, reaching for him. His hand froze as it nearly touched his T'hyla's arm, the limb flinching. He slowly moved his arm back to his side, watching as the muscles in Jim's arm calmed down. He was silent for a few seconds. "…I apologize, Jim. I should have not reached for you," he said, withdrawing his hand.

The flinch annoyed him, but it wasn't because Spock tried to touch him. The involuntary movement was a sign of weakness in Jim's eyes. This was why he needed time. Time to decide what he wanted to really do with his life… to decide if he could ever love someone again. "It isn't you. It's me." He paused with a deep sigh. "I need time. You need time. I'm upset and hurting. And even if I let this anger go, there isn't a chance for us. All I see when I look at you is that look of disgust, Spock, and I need to get past that."

"I have wronged you, and I desire nothing more than to right it. There are no words to describe how badly I have wronged you, and it is something I must correct." Spock was giving him a pleading look that Jim didn't think was possible from the Vulcan. "It is true that I do not deserve it, and it is a punishment I shall take if you desire it."

Jim's eye twitched, because Spock made it hard to be angry with him. "Right now, I need time and space. Please allow me that. Please, Spock. You need this too."

"While you are aboard the _Providence_ and away from the _Enterprise_?"

Jim took a few steps away from the Vulcan to put space between them. "Yes," he said, firmly. He paused for a second before he asked, "You don't think I can handle the ship?" ew

He knew Spock and Selek both disliked the idea, not believing he was ready for the ship, and at that time, they were correct. Even now, the Captain had some doubts, but now he was better equipped, with a solid team to support him.

"I have learned that you can handle anything. Your strength surpasses mine."

The remark meant something to Jim, and he could feel a small amount of warmth in his chest. "Thanks, Spock."

"Why do you not take the _Enterprise_ instead?" his former first Officer asked.

The warm feeling instantly evaporated. "Spock, I-"

The Vulcan didn't give chance to reject him. "Do not worry. I will do what I have promised and resign from the _Enterprise._ It is where you belong."

Just as it did before, the idea struck Jim hard, because he couldn't see being the Captain of that ship without Spock. "No, Spock. There are too many memories there. I need a fresh start." Taking the _Providence_ would be hard enough as is, and he had no doubt that he would be haunted by bad memories if he went back to the _Enterprise._

"I understand."

Jim turned to Spock, studying his face. He could see the pain rise in his ex-lover's face as he realized that they were over. There was a part of him that doubted that Spock would give up completely, but hopefully, it would be with enough time that Jim wasn't filled with anger. "And Spock, stay away from Salean and his father. Nothing good will come from it, and besides, revenge is not the answer."

"He deserves nothing less than death," Spock said, coldly.

"I can't help but agree, but he's right where he deserves to be. Plus, he knows he's screwed. I saw his face when he realized it," Jim said, feeling pleased about that. Just knowing that Salean was in jail lifted his spirits, and he could start to live his life again.

"You have a point, but he deserves much worse."

Jim let out a sigh, knowing that was no arguing that point with Spock. As he thought about what was happening now, he realized they needed to move on. "You need to let go and forgive yourself. I need to forgive myself as well." It had been a long journey for Jim, but he was getting there.

"I… You would be correct, but I do not believe I would ever be able to after the pain that I have caused you," he replied.

With a deep breath, Jim stared at Spock for a long silence, wondering if he could forgive him. He knew before talking to Salean, he wasn't ready to forgive his former lover. He couldn't see past his anger, and he couldn't let go of the thought that Spock was at fault somewhat. Yet after meeting Salean, he knew the only one at fault was Salean. In the aftermath both he and Spock had been controlled by their pain, as it overshadowed everything, making it difficult for either of them to think clearly. Yes, he was still angry with Spock, but he finally understood his actions.

"Spock…" Jim started, drifting off. He knew what he wanted to say, but he never realized how difficult it would be to get the words out. It was like there was a lump in his throat, making it hard to breathe. After a deep breath, he started again. He paused again as nothing came out. Another deep breath, he said, "…if it helps, I… f-forgive you."

Spock's eyes widened in shock. "Captain," he said, softly.

Jim could see the hope in Spock's eyes which killed him. "But it doesn't change anything between us," he quietly said.

They stared at each other in complete silence for a long while before Spock was able to speak. "I understand."

Jim took another deep breath as he couldn't bear this. Sure, the conversion had lifted something off his mind and made him feel better even with the heartbreak. It let him finally speak the things that he wanted to say. It helped him work through his pain, but he needed space. "I'm sorry, Spock, that's everything I can give you."

"I understand."

He hated to hear those words from Spock as there was a part of him that wanted the Vulcan to fight for him. "I have to go and meet McCoy for dinner," he said, turning from his former First Officer. He couldn't take the face that Spock was making at McCoy's name.

Without another word, Jim walked away with his eyes straight ahead. He slowly counted as he tried to clear his mind and keep his emotions in check. As each step took him closer to the place where he would meet up with McCoy, he knew it was another small step in the long road to recovery.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Doing his best to keep a certain Vulcan out of his head, the future Captain of the _Providence_ kept his gaze forward as he walked. It would do no good to be so focused on his ex, because there was no changing the past no matter how hard Jim wished she could.

Just as Jim cleared his mind, he spotted McCoy leaning against the outer wall of the hamburger shop. He had a guarded look on his face as he mindlessly looked out. Sure, he and Bones were talking again, but they weren't the best friends they had been before. There was some doubt in Jim's mind that they would ever get that close again. Then as he looked back at what the Doctor had gone through to save him, he wasn't sure he wanted to give up on something that he had counted on for so long.

"Geez, Bones, why so blue?" Jim asked, after he got within earshot of the doctor.

McCoy flinched at the sound of Jim's voice, but he easily recovered. "That took longer than I expected."

Jim's mind automatically skimmed through the conversion with Spock. Even now, it amazed Jim how many emotions he had just gone through: anger, fear, sadness, depression, and pain. "I got out what I needed to."

"So it went well?" he asked, not moving from the wall.

Jim thought about a response. Yes, he was thinking about giving their friendship another go, especially after realizing that McCoy was the reason why he was alive and even in Starfleet to begin with. However, the stress of the conversation with Spock was still fresh in his mind, leaving him not ready to open himself up completely to him. "McCoy," he uttered.

His former best friend let out a sigh. "I understand, Jim. It's fine."

"Bones," he uttered.

"No, I get it," McCoy said with a heavy breath. "Maybe, I should leave."

This was not want Jim wanted. "No, stay,"

The Doctor let out a sigh as Jim's name escaped from his lips. "Jim."

"This is going to be a long road, and we might not get there, but you showed me that you're truly sorry and that you're willing to die for me," Jim explained. No matter what happened, he would never forget what McCoy had done. He was willing to die for him, and that meant more to the Captain than anything. It also meant something that McCoy hadn't given up and forgotten about him, when he resigned from the _Enterprise._ From what Selek and Admiral Pike had told him, McCoy was determined to find out what actually happened. "Let's take this one step at the time."

Jim let out another sigh. "Let's just look toward the future. The past is the past, and there's nothing we can do." He was sick of dealing with the past and wanted something new. He wanted to get passed the flinches, the feelings of shame and guilt, and the self-doubt. He wanted to be the Captain that he been before, the man who faced down anything.

"Jim." There was a long pause as McCoy stared at him before replying, "Can I say something? I…It was never about choosing Spock over you. It was about me feeling like I needed to clean up after you. I felt like I had to always babysit you, and when you came back, I thought you had done something stupid again. I thought you had thrown everything away and expected me to clean up for you. I allowed myself to be controlled by my stupid emotions and I'm so sorry."

The apology angered Jim somewhat as it sounded like McCoy thought it was his fault. However after the initial anger died down, Jim understood him as there were countless times that the Doctor had to bail him out. He had put his own reputation on the line to save Jim's, and Jim had taken those times for granted. It would make sense that he would push his friend over the edge at some point.

"We both were stupid. I should've told you the truth, but I was…" Even now, Jim had a hard time admitting it. He knew he had nothing to be ashamed of as he had done nothing wrong. It was Salean, who should be ashamed. "…I was scared to admit what had really happened, and it was that fear that cost me everything." Jim let out a sigh. "You know. That fear taught me something about myself. It showed me how strong fear is, and that's something I will never forget."

"Why me?" McCoy asked, suddenly.

"Why you what?" Jim asked confused.

McCoy pushed off the wall, glancing slightly into the restaurant. His eyes rested on Pavel Chekov and Montgomery Scott, who were drinking inside. It appeared as if they were waiting for Jim. "Why me? Why not Spock? Why forgive me and not him, well that is if you forgave me at all?"

"Oh," Jim mumbled, staring at McCoy. It was true that he had never said he had forgiven McCoy, but he could feel it. He didn't know why or when he had forgiven the doctor. He just did.

With a deep breath, Jim took a few steps toward McCoy. "I don't know when or how, but I can't be mad at you, not after everything….and I understand why. Yes, it still hurts, but I understand. Besides, I didn't give you clue. I allowed you to think like that, so it's my fault as well."

"Jim."

"It's okay. I forgive you, Bones."

"Jim… I… don't know what to say."

Jim smiled slightly as he patted McCoy on the shoulder. "You already showed me that you're sorry. You came with me to see Salean, even if you didn't agree with it, so thank you."

McCoy smiled back. "No, I should be thanking you. You showed more strength than I ever thought possible."

With a sighing laugh, Jim smiled. "I think this has been a hard time for all of us." Sure, no one went through what he did, but they had all gone through a nightmare. Now it was time for healing. "Let's talk about something else and get something to eat."

McCoy glanced back to Scotty and Chekov, who had yet to see them. "Are you trying to fix things with Spock too?" he asked, unable to help himself.

Jim turned from McCoy and took a few steps toward the busy street. He stared out into the darkness for a few seconds before he turned back to his friend. " _Yes,"_ he thought to himself " _My friend."_ "I need space with Spock."

"So that's a no."

With another deep sigh, Jim stepped passed McCoy to the door of the restaurant. "You didn't break my heart, Bones. I found myself hoping for once. I was thinking of ma-" Jim started but cutting himself off. He didn't want to say the word as it was too painful to even think about it. He had allowed Spock in and it left him shattered. This was why he didn't want to let him in in the first place. It was the reason why he only allowed himself one night stands. The pain was almost too much to handle.

"Jim, I…" Bones started but drifted off. It was clear he had no idea of what to say.

Jim shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. "I think we've been out here long enough. Let's go in and get something to eat. I am starving."

McCoy shifted uncomfortably as he glanced back at the restaurant. "I think I should leave. I have to do rounds in the morning."

Jim turned on a dime. "Why? Did I say something?" he asked. Yes, they had a difficult path in front of them, but he was willing to try if Bones was willing to do the same.

"No, it's not that." He sighed, pausing for a few seconds. "I just don't want to cause trouble."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jim snapped, stepping back to McCoy.

McCoy turned and stepped slowly to the door of the restaurant. Even with the closed door, he could hear the loud music. His eyes landed on Scott and Chekov as they talked animatedly. "I don't think Mr. Scott and the kid would like that, especially the kid. They don't care for me lately, not that I blame them."

Jim laughed as he peaked in to see his future Chief Engineer and Navigator. "If you keep calling Chekov a kid, I don't see that changing any time soon," he said.

"Jim, I don't want to make any trouble."

"Well, they're going to have get used to it. I can't have that on the _Providence,_ " Jim said as he reached for the door. "Let's go. I so need a burger."

Bones gave him a look. "What are you talking about? On the _Providence?_ I won't be there to cause trouble _."_

The Captain gave him a smile. "Why wouldn't my Chief Medical Officer be on board?" he joked.

McCoy's eyes widened as he stared at Jim with his mouth wide open. It took a moment to get the words out. "What?" he uttered, unable to say anything else.

"Well that's if you want the post. I can understand if you don't," Jim said nervously. He didn't know what he would do if McCoy turned him down. It was a big step for Jim to offer this to McCoy, and he had been nervous to bring it up. How would the Doctor respond? Would he even want to the post after everything that happened?

"What about M'Benga?" McCoy asked. "Surely after everything you would rather have him."

Jim shrugged as he stepped back to McCoy. "No offense to M'Benga, but his medical skills do not compete with yours, and besides, it would take too long to train him like I trained you."

"Trained me?" McCoy asked, his eyebrow raised, briefly reminding Jim of a certain Vulcan. "I am not cattle."

Jim laughed. "No, not cattle. More like a dog."

"What have I gotten myself into?" McCoy joked.

"So will you take it, Bones? Or do I need to beg?" Jim asked, hitting him in the shoulders. "Besides, I think M'Benga would be better suited for the _Enterprise._ He knows more about Vulcan biology than you." He chuckled again as he thought about McCoy and Spock being alone for an extended period of time. "I don't see you and Spock being best buds."

McCoy laughed loudly. "Ain't that the truth! I thought I was going to go crazy. He never wanted to seek medical attention, just like a certain Captain I know."

"Hey, I'm not that bad." McCoy gave him look. "Okay, so I'm that bad, but you know I'm loveable and you can't get enough of me."

Leonard let out another laugh. "You're something else."

Jim laughed loudly. "So are you in?"

"Yes. I'm in."

With that, Jim was instantly warmed, something he hadn't felt in some time. Feeling like this, he knew he had nothing to worry about. He was going to be alright, and he was going to be the best Captain in Starfleet. He was ready to go back into space. "Let's eat."

McCoy glanced back inside before he looked at Jim. "Let's eat, but don't let it go to your head. Once we're on the _Provident,_ you aren't going to be eating like this and I'll be keeping an eye on your diet. We can't have you getting a belly."

Jim glanced down at his stomach and chuckled. He patted his stomach as he said, "Pssh, I will never lose this figure."

"If you keep eating all those hamburgers, you will."

Jim waved him off as he opened the door. He was blasted by the loud music and sound of people enjoying themselves. There was a smile on his face as he stepped in. He had no doubt that he could handle being a Captain, and now there was a small ache for the Captain's chair that was growing inside of him. The only thing on his mind was how his little Russian guard was going to handle working with McCoy. Jim wasn't sure, but he was willing to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it doesn't seem real. I have been writing this for so long that I never thought I would have finished it. So thank you, because if it wasn't for you guys, I would not have finished this without you. So thank you. I would like to thank MoonstarWorld because she is awesome. She had helped me so much and I don't know what I would do without her.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know some maybe upset about Spock and Jim, but I did not feel like I would do this story justice if I did end it like this. After a break, I might do Sequel or a One Shot to tie up everything.
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this story. I know I did.
> 
> Peace out.


	29. Author note

Hey all,

 

I just wanted to let you know that I have posted the Sequel to this story.

 

If you want to read it, please. I would be honored if you all decide to keep reading. It called The Absolve of the Innocent and I hope you enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy it.


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